Who ya gonna call?

Canada has produced some pretty big international stars over the years, but probably none as successful and legendary as this gentleman. Dan Akroyd has achieved top-of-the-class status in TV, film, and music – plus he flogs some pretty damn good booze – which is how I came to be shaking his hand the other day. He’s touring Canada right now, promoting his wines, vodka and tequila.

A few years back, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were sitting in a House Of Blues restaurant, in Atlantic City. I was just about to chow down on my tasty burger, when I got an e-mail to my Blackberry (how quaint – a Blackberry – how 2009!!), from the House Of Blues!

Well, OK – that was probably more ironic than it was interesting, but it was related to today’s subject, so I thought I’d throw it in there…

At any rate, we had Mr. Akroyd sign a couple of bottles of wine for us, but I also brought him a copy of my book – so who knows? Maybe one of the legendary SNL Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time Players, a Ghost-Buster, a real, honest to goodness (not one of the sad knock-offs you see so often at half-time shows) Blues Brother will be thumbing through MY attempt at humour, in his tour bus.

Hmm.. I should probably check the ditches between here and Regina…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest poultry Charlie Chicken…)

Aloha, humans an fellow bird-brains!

Ole Charlie is wringin’ every lass moment outta tha season, even if it is just over freezin’ out here!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, why can’t I feel my knuckles anymore??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I really should be wearin’ a pluckin’ parka, like Mrs. That Dan Dude has been doin’ , the lass few days. Tha snow may notta lasted too long, but it is pretty cluckin’ cold out here…

Hey, is my beak turnin’ blue??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I may hafta hunt aroun tha basement, see if I can find that feather wreath – I could pluck myself a new winter coat. Or at least sit on it…

Hey, I can see my breath!! No wait, tha’s my smoke…

I should lick that railin’ here, see if my tongue sticks!!

Ha Ha Ha!!

Mmmuhhh!! AAAAA!!!!!! MGAD M TNGUE!!!

BK_AAAAAAAAKKKKK!!!!

(Cluck fer now – better get some hot water…)

As you can tell from the above picture, we had our first snowfall last night, even if it was a mere dusting. However, it did prove my i-Phone right, which is really all that counts.

Perhaps my readers in…RUSSIA can relate to the snow at this time of year. Or in Alaska, maybe my podcast listeners are shoveling fresh snow this morning.

That’s right, people – I have readers, and listeners! Something I’ve suspected for years, but have never been able to confirm, until my discovery earlier this week of something Google’s Blogger program offers – statistics.

For the period of Sept 8 to Sept 15 alone, turns out I’ve had several snoopy perusals from around the world – the U.S. and Canada included (hello, friends and family!!).

However, people have read this space in Luxembourg, China, South Korea, the Netherlands, Russia, the U.K., Germany, and Israel. Israel! Oy!!

Sure, it could be argued that those may have been their first and LAST visits to this drivel, but the numbers are surprising – and eye-opening.

Which, sadly is going to force me to start taking more care and pride moving forward, here in this space. That’s right, folks – I regret to announce that I will now be making improved efforts to offer real and/or entertaining posts.

It’s going to be a brave new world, here at Such Is Life. God (whichever one you worship in YOUR part of the world) help us all…

Chow for now!!

You Know You’re Getting Old When…

Well, it’s official – I’m now older than dirt, and just as musty.

I received an e-mail a day or two ago, announcing ticket pre-sales for an upcoming concert in Calgary. However, glancing at the names, I was completely mystified – not only had I never heard of any of these bands, I was sure that it was just a late April Fool’s Day prank.

First off, Dimmu Borgir. Glancing at their promotional photo, I’d hazard a guess that they’re a metal band. The name suggests they are maybe a somewhat dim drill bit. Or, a Dim Sum entrée.

Along with Borgir on the bill – Gwar (seriously, I couldn’t even begin to make this stuff up…), whose own promotional pic makes KISS look like a 1912 barbershop quartet. I’m not sure if they are actually dressed up as dinosaurs and escapees from a cantina scene in Star Wars, or someone messed up when submitting the band’s photo. What I do know is that I wouldn’t bring raw meat along to the show, just to be on the safe side…

Ah, getting older… There was a time when Queen and Ozzy seemed so risqué…

I’d better calm my nerves with some Manilow.

Chow for now!!

Well, I for one am all a-tingle!

Not only do we have S-N-O-W in the forecast for this weekend, but later today, we will discover who has walked away with the 2010 crown from “America’s Got Talent”!! My heart is all tippety-tappety, let me tell you…

OK, I know I spelled “snow” up there, like you may not have known what I was referring to, but yessir – we are expected to wake up to a fresh dusting of snow sometime Saturday or Sunday (actually, according to my i-Phone, which is NEVER wrong BTW – Friday…).

So, frozen precipitation, AND a winner in this year’s installment of “America’s Got Talent” – in the same week! How is one supposed to withstand the excitement?

I tease, but truth be told, I am interested in whoever wins this year, on AGT. Three of the four finalists are extremely talented. One, well…points for showmanship.

For my money, the singers are great, but will that really make for a headlining show in Vegas? Probably not. “Defying Gravity” – oh yeah…they take black-light puppetry waaay beyond what Famous People Players used to do. And, I think that’s a craft that’s maybe long overdue to make a comeback.

But then again, what do I know? I haven’t watched “Survivor” since Season Two…

Chow for now!!

Hey, when did comic Steve Harvey start hosting “Family Feud”? It appears he is the latest personality to take over the show – and having slept in by mistake this morning, I just happened to catch the show over my morning coffee. He’s doing a fine job, from what I’ve seen so far.

The comics are taking over!

Chow for now!!

{(Jiminy Cricket: What? That’s it?? Holy Toledo, dude – you need to start putting more thought into this thing, or your reader(s) will revolt! (TDG): They’re already pretty revolting… (Jiminy Cricket): That may be, but there are reasonable expectations when they take the time to surf over to this claptrap – and one of those expectations is that you offer more than the ingredient listings on a grain of salt!! (TDG): Don’t you have a wooden dummy you need to be looking after? (Jiminy Cricket): Pinocchio? That knot-head got his nose stuck in a birdhouse door! He’ll be stuck for hours. You, on the other hand, clearly need a voice of conscious to guide you with this blather…(TDG): They’re coming to the Fast Money round… (Jiminy Cricket): Oh well, this can wait – pass me some popcorn…}

Stage West Calgary

“Tuesdays With Morrie”

Jamie Farr

The Monday Morning “Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go” Event Review:

Stage West Calgary’s production of “Tuesdays With Morrie”, staring Jamie Farr.

Here’s a production I walked into with a whole lot of expectation. The popular book by Mitch Albom was a runaway success back when it was first released, and ultimately caught the attention of Oprah Winfrey, who turned it into a TV movie featuring the late Jack Lemmon – which just may have happened to be the final film in his long and legendary career – a little spooky considering the subject matter.

For the uninitiated, or anyone that may have forgotten, “Tuesdays With Morrie” is a true story, based on Detroit sports columnist Mitch Albom’s relationship with his old Sociology professor (Morrie Schwartz), during the final stages of Schwartz’s crippling, fatal diagnosis of ALS, or Lou Gehrig’s Disease. The play, like the book had done originally, traces the final months of their time together, sprinkling liberal life advice along the way.

Make no mistake – this is aimed directly at your heartstrings. While there is some humour to lighten proceedings along the way, the ultimate aim of his production is to instil urgency in the audience’s lives – ultimately, your entire life can change in a heartbeat – so live for today, ensure you’re happy, and if you’re like the title character, maybe you can even make a life-changing difference in someone’s life.

The two actors move this well-paced show along. Rejean Cournoyer portrays writer Albom with appropriate (and constant) wired edginess as he juggles the demands of the success he achieves in his career path, and marquee draw Jamie Farr is smooth as silk playing the professor – the veteran actor certainly commands a stage.

A strong production, but you’ll need to bring along some Kleenex – unless you want to wipe your eyes with the dinner napkins. They are awfully soft, after all…

I’ll post a link to the “official” review when it runs here in The Calgary Herald, and can’t wait to sit down later this week with Farr, for a new audio instalment of “Talkin’ Funny With” – stay tuned, and check back here later!!

Chow for now!

So, who WAS the greatest contemporary song-writing team? Many might consider Lemon and McCarthy from that 1960’s bug band, but I offer a somewhat different consideration – I offer you the team of Benny Andersson & Bjorn Ulvaeus, otherwise known as the juggernaut composers behind the many hits of ABBA.

Sure, you can step into virtually any elevator in North America and likely hum along to a Beatles song, but the ABBA catalogue…ahh, the ABBA catalogue – what can I say about songs that have not only stood the test of fickle time and taste, but endure on Broadway? Not even Lumina Van Beethoven can make that lofty claim!

I daresay that Benny & Bjorn may have even exceeded the other great solo songwriters of their day – folks like Bernie Taupin, and Neil Sedaka. Paul Simon, or Puff Daddy. Maybe, just maybe they would rate even higher than the guys that write the songs for Mariah Carey!

My humble thoughts – for your Sunday consideration…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by Chiquita..)

Cluck me on a chopstick!

I mighta bean a pluckin’ banana, inna nuther life!!

BUK-AAAAK!!!!

When did I get yeller jaundice, and get so cluckin’….yellow? Ya’d need a flippin’ magnifrying glass ta tell which one a this bunch is me!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

What in the name of my droopy ole comb is this all about??? Duz I needsta be scared a monkey??

Wut a revoltin’ development…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, I guess it coulda been worse – I coulda looked like a bunch a grapes!

Wunnerful – my Fruita da Loons moment!!!

Cluck fer now…

You know, it’s bad enough when you, dear reader(s) have to read the drivel that I post every day, but when you get dimwitted spammers adding comments under the pretense of commenting on said drivel, it really lowers the value of this here virtual real estate.

I am not interested in jerseys, unless it is New Jersey. I don’t care that you’ve taken a few minutes to compose a threadbare excuse for a comment, whilst hawking crap I don’t care about.

I don’t want to have to start moderating comments – I barely have time to do what I do in this space. But I will try and put a stop to this joker one way or another…just more proof that the online world ain’t all wine and roses…

Where did I put my wine glass????

Chow for now!

The king of the fish world, the shark is lord of all he surveys. Not that they survey all that much, being underwater and all. Sure, they tend to find meals here and there, but it’s not like they can catch a movie, or hop on a flight to Albuquerque. Being king of the fish world apparently has some limitations…

Come to think of it, a shark can’t:

-go through a McDonald’s drive-thru,

-play tennis,

-read a newspaper,

-do an oil change on his car,

-own a car,

-make a peanut butter sandwich,

-walk a dog,

-whistle,

-download Celine Dion on i-Tunes,

-walk inconspicuously along The Strip in Vegas,

-light a cigarette,

-clip his toe-nails,

-vote for the winner on “American Idol”.

Man, when you put it like that, being a shark would really bite…

Chow for now.

Whoops!

I almost forgot to make a new blog post today! Completely slipped my mind! You’d think that after almost 1700 consecutive posts, it would be second nature to dive right in, but for one reason or another, I truly almost forgot today.

On a positive note, I see that my main website www.nonsenseandstuff.com is now back up and running. What a freakin’ mess that thing has been since new hosts have taken over. I will confess to not having been entirely guiltless myself on occasion, but their own site was MIA for over a week, earlier this year. Caramba, dude!

At least you’ve had this vital resource, during the rollercoaster ride.

That is, as long as I can remember to post my freakin’ commentary…

J

Chow for now!!

It gets even better, apparently. This morning when I tried to check my main website, a generic “this website has expired” notice is now in the place where my site used to be. I’ll have to get this sorted out, and sorted out pronto. Looks like I’ll be using a new domain provider, if this is the response I get from the current group. What a pain in the friggin’ buttocks…

Stay tuned, folks – I guess there will be an updated website in my future…

Chow for now!!

Great…

If you typically find this blog site of mine via the link from my main website, you wouldn’t have been able to, the last few days. My domain name was coming up for renewal, which was supposed to be done automatically. Apparently it wasn’t, or the providers, taking the long weekend off, just didn’t bother to address the issue before jetting off to Puerto Vallarta for a few days of rapid tequila ingestion and (hopefully) a strong run of Montezuma’s Revenge.

My new provider for the website and related services has been dodgy at best, truth be told. I will admit, I haven’t been entirely innocent myself, but there have been at least three times where my site has gone completely MIA, once for well over a week. That outage brought me a discounted fee for the month, but this is starting to feel like the Internet gods are trying to tell me something.

Well, I’ve just got to wait till the doors open for business again tomorrow morning, and see if we can’t get the site back up pronto. I hope I haven’t lost my domain name in the meantime…

Ugh…

Chow for now!!

What exactly IS the “breakfast of champions”?

Bacon and eggs?

Coffee and cigarettes?

Ice cream and spaghetti?

Alpo and rhubarb?

Twizzlers and Ex-Lax?

Apples and oranges?

I guess it depends on the champion. It could also depend on the constitution of the individual ingesting said breakfast. Rocky Balboa used to suck back raw eggs, but I tend to prefer mine scrambled with generous dollops of peanut butter.

I suppose a champion could take their cue from fast food drive-thru menus. For example, Burger King offers a breakfast choice of French toast slivers – perfect for dipping into syrup whilst navigating morning rush hour traffic.

A & W offers a bacon and egg sandwich, slathered in healthy melted cheese (or cheese-like) sauce.

Actually, almost every fast food joint offers some sort of breakfast sandwich. What I can’t seem to find is a place that offers Twizzlers and Ex-Lax.

Maybe that’s not such a bad thing….

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken, Esquire…)

Howdy doo, humans!

Ole Charlie is gonna debunk a long-runnin’ myth here today – namely that I ain’t got no class!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, lemme tell ya – I got class comin’ outta my cluckin’ wazoo!

Why, just today I took these photos atta local art gallery, among some fine sculptchers. Even if summa them look nekked as jaybirds!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, I’m a regular art fiend, I can’t get enough a this culture stuff. I loves me my Pablum Picasso, and I adore a good peek at these paper mache stat-choos. Even more so if they wuz wearing knickers!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, art is where itz at. I pity the poor suckers that ain’t got appreciation fer sublime creations like these, or more abs-track items, even. Sometimes, I think I could just sit fer hours, admirin’ this kinda…this sorta…

Aww, phooey! Who am I cluckin’ kiddin’??

I was only in there ta get change fer tha bus, and tha surveillance cameras were trackin’ my every move! Wut the pluck? Wuz I supposed ta sneak one a those things out under my pinfeathers??

Good grief. I’m gonna go look at my Shania Twain poster – now THAT’S fine art!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now!!

Sometimes I have pieces appear that almost seem like they were planned in advance to coincide with something going on, either in the news, or life in general. I can assure you, that is most often entirely accidental.

However, with Tiger Woods receiving increased media attention since his divorce finalized recently, this little ditty on golf might seem somewhat timely:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=6373

Enjoy!

Chow for now…

Well, this is rather embarrassing! I’m learning about the country I was born and raised in, from a Scotsman…

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I watched the first installment of Billy Connolly’s “Journey To The Edge Of The World” last night. The comic is a bit subdued as host of this series, but there’s still quite a few laughs among the rich treasury of images from his trek across Northern Canada.

I’m not sure what inspired him to document his travels clear across the frozen wastelands of our country, but he’s clearly got a passion for what he’s doing. If you haven’t clued in to this Public Television offering, it’s worth a visit – Mr. Connolly not only visits historic sites along the way, but gets right into each of the communities, showing us what makes them unique.

OK, maybe I do need to get out a bit more, but it’s pretty great TV viewing – unless your IQ doesn’t grasp concepts beyond oddly tanned Jersey-ites named “Snooker”.

Chow for now!!

I ain’t no Hollaback Girl.

I ain’t no hollow back girl.

I ain’t no hop-a-long grill.

I ain’t no holding gill.

Hmmm…this hit song writing thing isn’t as easy as it looks…

Chow for now!

If you haven’t already tuned in to HBO’s terrific biopic “Temple Grandin”, you really should. It’s not hard to argue with all the Emmy awards the film picked up last night – the entire cast put forth outstanding performances, and Claire Danes was virtually unrecognizable in the lead role. One of those movies you really don’t want to end…

What exactly is a “Temple Grandin” you might ask? Well, it’s either:

a) A super-sized house of worship,

b) Starbucks’ latest medium-sized hot soy beverage,

c) A sizeable pulsating growth on the side of your head…

d) An engaging biography.

e) Do you remember when A & E used to run engaging biographies???

f) The part of your eyeglasses that is very grand.

Seriously, watch this movie! It’s moooving….

Chow for now!!

I took apart our little Dirt Devil hand vacuum yesterday, finally succumbing to nagging curiosity. I just had to see where the maker hides the little tornado inside….

At least, I THINK there’s a tornado inside, or some such force of nature that draws dirt and debris up from the floor, into the holding area. I will admit – it would have to be one tiny tornado in such a small appliance. Which frankly has (had) an awful lot of parts, for its size…

Glancing at the debris of what used to be a hand vacuum, I do wonder if I shouldn’t maybe have jotted a few notes down, before I started to disassemble the little guy – oh well, how hard can it be to put back together??

We’ll soon see…

Chow for now!

I’ve taken great pains here recently to avoid griping about the weather – and just yesterday I took those very same pains, and tried throwing them into the fireplace, to heat the friggin’ house up….

Alberta is one of the few places in the world that summer forgot to visit this year. We had one day of warm weather, timed perfectly for when we were moving. Sweat is a delightful lubricant for aching old joints scrambling to move heavy weights, although smelly movers is not such a desirable thing to contend with, in cramped quarters.

Now, with that day of summer a fond memory, evening temperatures are plunging below a level comfortable for keeping Jack Frost away. Pretty soon I expect we’ll see our first snowfall of the year.

And we wanted to stay here why???

Bah, humbug!!!

Chow for now….

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest pest…ummm…I mean weekend guest “blogger”, Charlie Chicken.)

Suds me up, Barber Bob! I gots poultry bumps that need ta be smoothed over!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ya know, friendly humans, when ya pluck yerself clean onna regular basis, the lacka feathers can kinda make all yer imperfractions sumwut unsightly. Every lump and bump is on display, fer the common masses. As you may guess – it ain’t always pretty…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sure, with MY fizique, I can pull off the denuded look – with classic lines like mine, a bird can still be worth two in the bush, if ya know what I mean.

If ya do, lemme know – I’m not sure that made sense even ta me…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So, once my weekly chitter-chatter is done here, I gotta run tha razer - keep my poultry bumps smooth ta tha touch, for any touchy-feely birds at tha bar tonite!

Now, where d’ya think Lunkhead mighta packed the bandages, during this relocation????

Cluck fer now!!

How much is that doggie in the window? Perhaps just as important, why is the darn thing in a window in the first place?

Chow for now!

Man, McDonald’s must do 80% of their business from people in transit. Especially when your newest residence isn’t far from one of their fine restaurants…

That could be considered an oxymoron, reading that last sentence back just now…

However, handy is as handy does – Mickey D’s coffee, Mickey D’s iced coffee, Mickey D’s meat and potatoes…if I see one more red-headed clown this week, I might start to think they’re a family member!!

Hey, today we found our toaster! Home cookin’ again starting tomorrow!

Chow for now…

A few quick notes from the madhouse, while I spend time rifling through boxes for soap, underwear, and Mrs. That Dan Guy:

1) Despite every effort to make this a “seamless” move, our plan failed miserably. It will be weeks before we return to any sort of normalcy. I can’t even find Charlie anywhere, which now that I think about it, maybe isn’t such a bad thing…

2) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #1: Even a minor reduction in living area square footage will result in compromises – such as having your toaster on the living room sofa table.

3) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #2: “Fragile” marked on delicate boxes brings the widest smiles to movers’ faces…

4) The items you desperately need the moment you settle in, are the ones that will be buried under boxes marked “Basement”, but dropped off in the living room and bedroom.

5) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #3: First morning in the new home, you discover how well built the walls are along the stairway leading downstairs, which should really have been better lit, all things considered..

6) The wonder of nature – while YOU haven’t been able to find your packed groceries, the morning after you’ve moved in you awake to discover that a family of raccoons have been infinitely more successful in that regard…

7) Unfamiliar new shower, or used sandblaster???

Things are starting to come together, just far slower than we had hoped. Family, friends – we still hope to make contact with our updated info – as soon as I can set up our main computer – we aren’t ignoring you!!

Chow for now…

Wow! Running waaay behind today - however, just got internet access moments ago.

In light of the past few days, relocating the Such Is Life household, here's an old column from 2007, about the joys of moving:

The Zen Of The Household Move…

Next to substantially remodeling a home, or widely differing opinions on childrearing, there can’t be any endeavor so stressful to a relationship as moving. I would not be at all surprised to find that there are criminal defense attorneys skilled exclusively in the slam-dunk practice of acquitting wives and girlfriends, after their partner’s poorly planned relocation plan has gone entirely awry. Let’s be honest, no jury in the world would convict the woman whose husband has actually given the wrong house number to the movers-the house he has come home to every night for the last 12 years-the house he orders a pizza to every Monday night, just before the football game…

There are a few different ways to move, depending on the load that eventually needs to toodle over from Point A to Point B.

Young couples, or single folks with minimal earthly possessions can either move everything over in the trunk of their Volkswagen Beetle, or ask a few friends to help fill up a rented cube van. Cost: some beer and pizza.

Chronic packrats like myself will find themselves begging with CN Rail to add a spur connection, to assist the boxcars in reaching the front door. Cost: the wide-screen TV and surround-sound system you hoped to convince your wife would look great in the new rec room.

I’m not saying we’ve got too much…stuff, but the last time we moved, observers thought Fleetwood Mac was back on tour…

If I had one piece of advice to offer after several moves (one inter-provincial), it would be to consider very carefully what really needs to arrive at your new home. When we moved to Kelowna from Winnipeg, we brought (I kid you not!) a substantial load of red bricks. Not sentimental, childhood keepsake bricks, but the painfully ordinary building bricks you might find in any building supply store.

Why, you might ask, would I move bricks across several provinces? It was part of a homemade bookshelf. And a mover’s hernia…

The Zen of the household move comes in hoping to find that perfect balance of preparation prior to the move, blended with the foresight for the first day at your new home. You hope to pack up exactly what you won’t need before the move, then at the very last minute, you will cram the things you’ll need immediately upon unloading at your new home into whatever packaging is still available at the old one. Many a mover has had to bite his tongue at the sight of groceries jammed into pantyhose and hastily-emptied cereal boxes…

The one thing you never want to do is mix up that sequence of events. Should you find that you have erroneously packed the vital household items that your partner uses every day without exception, and then further aggravated the situation by failing to remember to label the boxes, you are best advised to consider a new career, perhaps in the French Foreign Legion. I’ve always liked the hats those guys wear anyway…

No matter how well you plan a move, something will go missing. You can unpack everything on the moving van, and have police dogs come over and try to sniff it out, but the infallible law of a household move is that something either very important, or just plain embarrassing will disappear completely, like a piece of vacation luggage that visits a couple of Hawaiian islands you never made it to yourselves during your holiday.

Plan your move as best as you can. The end result is you better not pack the coffeemaker where you can’t find it again on move-in day…

*********************************************************************

Soon as we catch our breath, we'll update our contact info, family and amigos!

Chow for now!!

Well, moving day is here - the actual movers arrive sometime between 8:30 and 9:30. Depending on how long they take, I may be able to resolve our Internet issues in the new home (new to us...), and get back to blogging from my computer.
Chow for now

Testing...
Testing...
May be doing tomorrow's blog via my phone
Chow for now


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You’d think that at my advanced age, I could read a clock properly.

However, last night I posted a little mini-post, unfortunately before the start of today. Hence, my having to repost a link to that snippet.

Scroll down, and click on the link to listen to a great new song from Manitoba’s Doc Walker – these guys are amazing, and I’m not just saying that because they’re from my home province J

Enjoy!

Chow for now!!

From Here by Doc Walker

Check out this AWESOME new song from Winnipeg country artists Doc Walker - once again, as when they released "Beautiful Life", instant Hitsville!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Heh Heh Heh…

Get It??

Chicken Scratch???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I guess ya need ta shop at tha cluckin’ Dollar Store…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I’ll letcha stare at it until it comes ta ya.

Cluck fer now!

A blank page. A screen unblemished by typeface and or goofy graphics, shooting for a cheap laugh.

That would be any site other than this one, I figure. Where no low hasn’t already been achieved, or further depths aren’t just as likely. Yes, here in the Such Is Life household, we strive to ensure that we have standards, low as they may be.

Our humble apologies…

Chow for now.

Hey, we’re finally seeing a bit of summer, here in soggy ole Cowtown! It hit 30° for the first time yesterday, and it appears that the thermometer will be lingering in the higher numbers for the next few days.

Boo-Yah!

Now I will rapidly plant some corn and lettuce, so that I can garnish the bologna I picked up from the deli yesterday. Mmm-mmm good!!

Chow for now!

Have I mentioned before that Mrs. That Dan Guy has 11 toes? Or that three of them are webbed?

Thought you should know, in the interest of full disclosure, honesty, and just to see her reaction…

Chow for now!!

As we’re coming up to the 5^th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, it dawned on me that I have an interview with a comedy troupe from New Orleans that I should edit and post on my podcast site. It was quite a bit of a hoot, although due to time constraints, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I didn’t get a chance to stick around and see them perform.

I’ll try and get that done over the next few days, and then I’ll post a link to that here – but for now, here’s a column that resulted from the interview, which seems to still be lurking around online:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=118477

Enjoy!

Chow for now!!

You know, I often wonder why (usually immediately after I’ve done something) I haven’t thought things through thoroughly, before proceeding.

Take my post from a few days ago (please – ba-dum-bum) – I presented an entire blather stream that began almost at the extreme far end of the alphabet, specifically the letter “W”.

"Why?" Exactly.

Today, in deference to the START of said alphabet, I present for your reading enjoyment (hee hee hee – why yes, I may very well be completely delusional, thank you…) a selection from – the letter “D”.

-Dapper Dee Drives DeSoto Daringly!

-Darting Dachshunds Dive Down Driveway!

-Delores Dates Danny, Dumps Darren!

-Dustin Dieber Doesn’t Dominate Dance Domain…

-Do Dingoes Dangle Der Dinner?

-Da Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Da

-Dynamic.

-Disney’s Duck, Donald?

-Dis dumb, daresay…

Chow for now!!

Our cat has been hiding under the bed for what seems to have been an awfully long time. Weeks, maybe?

It’s been SOOO long, I frankly don’t even remember what kind of cat it is.

For that matter, now that I think about it a bit longer…I’m not even sure we have a cat anymore!

Which would explain the food and water that hasn’t been touched by the back door, and the remarkable condition of the kitty litter box – it’s so pristine you could eat out of it!

Not that I’d want to consider that, even if it were true that we are in fact…cat-less!

Now, why would Mrs. That Dan Guy encourage me to maintain some façade of pet ownership, if we are lacking in any sort of live feline companionship? Is it some sort of test of my responsibility quotient? Is she secretly “punking” me, and posting my efforts on the Yoo-Hoo Tube?

Some days, I sure wish I had a better sense of awareness…

I just hope I'm not going to regret ordering that "Emery Cat" product from the TV commercials. Although, if it works on cats, wouldn't it work on a dude???

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger and fine television connoisseur Charles D. Chicken…)

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Saturday mornin’. It’s the cluckin’ best!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now…

Today’s post is brought to you be the letter “W” (just for shiggles…)

Waddle.

Wiggle.

Wobble.

Waffle.

Wee Walter’s winter wiener was wrinkled.

Why would Wendy wallow wistfully?

Where we wiffle, we wattle!

Wallop.

Wherefort wart whoa, Womeo?

Wakka Wakka…

Whirrr….

Well, we-xcuuuu—se we!!!

Why?

Chow for now!!

For anyone keeping track out there, today is Garbage & Recycling Day, in our neighbourhood. Looking out our front window, the festivities seem a tad subdued this particular G & R Day…

Chow for now!

Happy 11^th, everyone!

Here’s a column from a while ago, seemed like a summer-appropriate post:

Learnings From My Lawn Chair

I read somewhere recently that dolphins may not be as smart as we think they are, just because they have a big brain. The writer of the article suggested that dolphins could likely be outwitted by lab rats, and possibly even goldfish. I hope the scientist the writer had interviewed for the column was talking about actual fishbowl residents, and not the cracker variety – that wouldn’t bode very well for the average dolphin.

Even though I have a hard time picturing a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish in the same laboratory classroom filling out a pop quiz, I had an even harder time with the columnist’s picks for the top ten smartest animals:

1) Great Apes (includes humans, chimps gorillas, etc): Being human, I can agree with this ranking, although the one great ape I have in my monthly poker group really isn’t all that bright…I mean, come on – who raises with a four and a seven off-suit?

2) New World Monkeys: All things being equal, are they really that much smarter than Old World Monkeys??

3) Dolphins, Whales. Etc: Wait a minute - I thought they said dolphins weren’t really all that bright?? Shouldn’t mice or goldfish be number three?? Does this researcher read his own notes?

4) Pigs: Well, Babe could sure talk up a storm, so I suppose I’d have to agree with this one as well…

5) Octopuses: I may not be an actual “scientist”, but shouldn’t that be “octopi”? Frankly, I prefer my octopuses not so much bright, but more breaded and deep-fried.

6) Crows, Ravens, Magpies, etc.: Whenever I have to eat crow, I always feel much smarter myself…and let me tell you, I can eat a LOT of crow.

7) Dogs: My wife recently enrolled me in a dog obedience school, so I’ll update you after a few lessons. Already I feel that my begging skills are sharpening considerably…

8) Cats: We used to have a pair of cats that were world-class gymnasts. That takes some brains, and on more than one occasion, they outwitted me while playing with a ball of yarn. There may be some truth to this ranking.

9) Elephants: This one surprised me. I know they’ve got good memories, but being so sluggish, I guess they must keep a lot of that brain power pent up for something. Imagine seeing a couple of those beasts working in IT positions for your computer problems! “Jumbo Solutions, please hold.”

10) Parrots: Parrots have occasionally frightened me a bit. I used to keep crackers handy, just in case I ever ran into one of those talking show-offs. If you can mimic humans, you’d have to be smarter than a pig?? So how did they end up at Number Ten?

There you have it – the apparent list of creatures ranked by superiority of intellect.Which makes me question my own, having decided to turn that list into a column.

But it could have been worse. I could have imagined the start of a joke – “a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish walk into a bar…”

Chow for now!!

Dear Soda Cracker Manufacturer,

Good morning, and thank you in advance for listening to my concerns. Which it turns out, are manifold.

While I have enjoyed your product immensely for several decades now, the inconsistency of your product has prompted this action, in the hopes (however dim) that bringing these concerns to your attention will generate some inward reflection, at the very least.

First off, how is it even possible to overcook soda crackers – so much so that they look like they have grown tree bark? Soda crackers are typically expected in lighter shades, NOT sporting George Clooney’s tan. If No-Name Brand manufacturers can remember this rudimentary technique, wouldn’t it be reasonable to expect a major manufacturer to do the same?

Second, is there any way to possible correct the setting of your machinery – the one in particular that packages each individual cell of crackers? Not much of an adjustment, mind you – just enough to prevent 90% of the product from arriving pre-crushed. Handy as that is for enjoying your product with soup, a meal of cheese and crackers gets a bit more complicated.

I could go on, but that should be enough to at least open a file, and perhaps prompt some internal investigation. I look forward to your response.

Thanks,

That Dan Guy

(Chow for now…)

Timely Look Back…

Hey, how about this handy little online find? I came across an old column of mine from The Calgary Herald that’s quite timely, as we currently watch the summer gasoline pump price increases.

Enjoy!

http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=272739dc-d19f-464f-b52c-8660542ab814

Chow for now!!

(Oh brother - 1640 posts to date...adds up to 11...)

Toast. Dry cereal. Stale cinnamon buns – what a boring group of breakfast choices!

How about:

Scrambled ostrich eggs, with liberal sprinkles of braised raccoon meat.

Freshly kneaded caviar cornbread.

Antelope biscuits.

Any sort of fruit medley that doesn’t sway either way in the “too tart” or “too sweet” spectrum. And doused by spilled goblets of brown sugar.

Bacon from a warthog. The animal, not students from the Harry Potter school…

Chitlins – I have no idea what those are, but they sure sound exotic…

Hmmm…now I’m even hungrier than before I had to MAKE a decision…better grab a muffin…

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted for no apparent reason by a rebellious, cantankerous, somewhat delusional rubber chicken, every weekend…)

Wuuuuzzzzuuuuuupppp?????

BUK-AAAWK!!!!

Hey, remember that ole Budwizer commercial? Wutta trip! My favourite wuz tha frogs, but tha footsball players were pretty funny too.

What the cluck does that hafta do with me sittin’ beside this Labatt’s hat?

Who cluckin’ knows??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

This does remind of sum great country songs tho – like “Pretty Good At Drinkin’ Beer”. I can relate ta that! Budwizer, Labatt’s, Hangover Rover – they’re all pretty cluckin’ good as fur as I’m concerned.

Whoops! I said fur…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

An me barely even sportin’ any feathers!!

Wut the cluck???

“Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey…”

Rotatin’ rooster on a roto-rooter! I can’t get these country songs outta my head!! I think I must be part cowpoke!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Too much beer an pickup trucks!

Too much beer period………………..

I gotta lay my ole crown down…

Cluck fer now!!

Wow!

The interview with the cast of “Two Pianos Four Hands” that I posted a couple of weeks ago on Libsyn/iTunes is getting loads of downloads. In a short while of availability, it’s already almost caught up to the interviews with Joyce Dewitt, and “8 Simple Rules” author W. Bruce Cameron.

Amazing…

Bruce Cameron, by the way has a new book out that’s going pretty viral itself. “A Dog’s Purpose” is an amazing read, written from the perspective of the dog, and I’ll be posting links to reviews I get published soon.

Coming soon, more goodies! Keep your aluminum foil alien-emitted microwave protector hats firmly on your heads, and keep checking back!

Chow for now!

We have a family (or a clan) of coyotes that gets to howling late at night in our neighbourhood. Sometimes it’s due to the trains that roll through the area, and sometimes I think they howl because of that nutty Vince on late-nite infomercials. If he ain’t floggin’ Sham-Wows, he’s pluggin’ Slap Chop, or Bat Mop, or Crap Drop. Somewhere, 1980’s Madonna is still looking for her telephony over-the-ear microphone set, and one night at 3 AM she’ll spot Vince wearing it.

I don’t think she’s gonna love his nuts.

Sure, this all sounds a little bit inappropriate, but…oh, that’s too funny – there’s the blasted Slap Chop commercial again!! Good grief – martini, Houdini, Zucchini – only on TV!!

Say, how come MY order hasn’t arrived yet, now that I think about it…

Didn’t this whole ramble start off with coyotes? I think I may have ADD…

Chow for now!

I guess my blog has “arrived”. After 4 years of daily postings, I finally got my first spammer onboard the other day. Imagine my delight!

I hope I don’t have to start playing around with requiring moderation before posts from readers can go up on the blog – it’s nice to just let everything go on cruise control. As you may be able to tell if you’re a regular reader here, I’ve always believed that less is more. Kind of like the requisite talent for all the current “celebs” that grace all the newsmagazine shows these days.

What exactly is a Kardashian anyway???

Anyhow, I’m hoping this is an isolated incident, and that this clown moves along to some other poor sap with his jerseys, or whatever he hopes to have readers click on only to have thier computers infested with viruses, worms, and decaffeinated coffee.

Leave this space alone Cyber-Spammer, so that rubber chickens can share their innermost thoughts with the world, and I can continue to plead my case for a world where Celine Dion releases new singles every day of the week.

Nirvana, dude…

Chow for now!!

"Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star,

How I Wonder Where You Are…"

(Hey! Jack-ass!! I’m up here in the sky! Where the hell did you think I’d be???)

Sheesh…

Rather touchy for a constellation, wouldn’t you say?

Chow for now…

Do you ever find yourself wondering if someone really IS a hoot and a holler?

And can you really be both?

Maybe. I suppose you could holler while you’re hooting, or hoot while you’re hollering.

But how does that explain someone that is considered to be both, at the same time?

I imagine I’ve been a hoot on an occasion or two. I have hollered, once I think I even yodeled.

This is getting off track a bit, but once I did spurt Orange Crush through my nose. That could have been a hoot and a holler moment…

So much to contemplate…

Chow for now!!

Tried putting together a homemade milkshake today…it certainly didn’t resemble anything I’ve ever picked up at a fast food restaurant drive-thru window.

First, I poured milk into a tall glass – seemed like a logical first step. Then, I started to shake it.

Took some degree of time as well as liberal amounts of paper towels to clean up the milk that spewed everywhere, whilst the shaking was underway. Tried a second time, but for this bout I held my hand over the glass.

Despite shaking my glass vigorously, the milk just seemed to stay thin in composition.

This is not what you’d consider a successful trip to the kitchen. I better visit a recipe book…

Chow for now!!