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Sunday, March 31, 2013

Phil Spectre

Well, we watched a new movie on the PVR last night. Quite a disappointment.

First off, even though the title made it sound like a "Casper The Friendly Ghost"-style cartoon, it was not even animated. Throughout the entire movie, there was nary a ghost to be "seen"....



I guess I really don't have a second complaint. Just be aware that the HBO movie Phil Spectre is NOT a ghost cartoon. Good soundtrack though....

Chow for now!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Chicken Scratch - The Easter Guard

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie D. Chicken...)

Howdy hoomans, ess peshully all youse Easter peeples...

Ah'm spendin' ma day taday guarding this here Easter rabbit, which rose from a cave, only ta feer fer his life, frum hooman cannibals that eet eers.


At leest, ah think he rose from a cave - cooda been a burrow, ain't that wear rabbits live??


Ah'm also celebreightin' Easter by watchin' a Vanilla Ice Ice Baby marathon - nothin' says Easter like a washed-up rapper renovatin' houses!!


Ah may also watch tha Ten Commandos, a ackshun movie about a magishun that makes turtles rain down, an such. I think thas wut happens - it's been a long time since I saw it last. Kinda like tha Amazin' Race, but in tha desert. With slow peeple in sandals an dresses....

Cluck me - now ah feel like sum dessert.....

Hey, how come there ain't no Easter turtles??

I gots wut yewd call a inkuizzitive mind....



Where'd tha rabbit go??




Sum juan stole ma rabbit!! Call tha cops!!!

Uhh..I gotta go peeples - I need ta solve this crime before ma boss gets back.....

Wut tha cluck......


Cluck fer now.......

Friday, March 29, 2013

Singing In The Shower

Sorry, typo - that should have read "singeing" in the shower - too much hot water!

Chow for now...............

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Flame - Out!

We were out last night and happened across a Calgary Flames jersey on display, which just happened to have team captain Jerome Iginla's name and number on it.

I took a picture and Tweeted it, as speculation was running rampant that he had been traded. Well, indeed he had been. He's off to Pittsburgh, so that he has a chance to win a Stanley Cup before his prolific career comes to an end.

In return - we get question marks. The only certainty that appears to be completely clear is that we won't even make the playoffs this year.

Unlike the division leading Winnipeg Jets.....

Mmm...who to cheer for?????

Chow for now!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

I've Still Got Six-Pack Abs!

Yes, after decades of unhealthy living, I have recently confirmed that I still have six-pack, rock hard abs. Thank you, ultra-sound!

To protect these assets, I have added a bit of a Great Wall in front of them. My "spare tire" will prevent any damage, although it does make viewings....uhh...completely impossible.

However, I know that the abs are there, solid as a rock - and that's all that counts....

Chow for now!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Look Away, It's Beastly....

Good Lord....

When will I learn?

I need to either start planning a few topics to blog about every morning, or start watching the news like real people in humour/comedy do. At least then I wouldn't have posts like yesterday's abysmal attempt to keep my "consecutive days" streak alive - like that's an actual thing!!

I looked at my Google Analytics this morning, and there was an understandable dip in my recent page views (is it really possible to have page views in the negative?? WTF???), with my ever-so-brief dissertation on free association. Or what was apparently a poorly received post on free association.

Oh well, live and learn. I do try to keep these daily writings both daily, and impromptu - but sometimes my Muse has gone out of province somewhere for breakfast, leaving me floundering to my imagination. Which yesterday appears to have joined the Muse for a Denny's deal somewhere in Oklahoma.

Nobody said this was going to be easy. The crickets are keeping me awake at least............

Chow for now!

Monday, March 25, 2013

Free Association







Very circular......

Chow for now!

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Erma Bombeck Workshop, Final Day - 2006

So, what was I doing on this very day back in 2006?

Apparently, packing my suitcase, as we departed Dayton Ohio, and my first-ever Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop:

Last Day Of The Conference :-(

I see that back then, even with short posts here typos could get right past my copy editor. After 7 years, he has improved only slightly...

I attended one more of those amazing writing events before having to pass on the last two.

If I can get my butt down to the upcoming NSNC conference this year as planned, it will be a fine bell-weather for getting to attend the next EBWW.

And that's This Day In Blog History for today....

Chow for now!

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Chicken Scratch



When will tha heartless hoomans leave us chickens be??

How kin hoomanity be SOOO obsesses with batterin' chickens??

Let alone poor, dee-fence-less chicken BALLS??



Ma eyeballs is googleyin' right outta ma head!!

Read tha description, peeples!!

UNCOOKED! - Juss plucked from tha "vine", dipped in batter, and SERVED TA HOOMANS!!!!




Ah kin barely cintrol ma shakin' - ah could stir a can a cluckin' paint right now juss by ma bodily vibe rayshuns!!!!

How wood you like it if ah decided ta batter YER balls???



Cluckin'  savages.....


I need ta lie down...ah think ma taylebone is quiverin'.....

Cluck fer now....oh, an mebbe you should sleep with one eye open.


Friday, March 22, 2013


Oddly enough, Blogger uses a pencil icon for new posts.

Better than a feather quill and ink pot I suppose....

Have a great weekend y'all!!

Chow for now...

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Raspberry Beret

First off, where the hell do you find a raspberry big enough to make a beret out of it?

Second, what's the shelf life of a raspberry beret, if you don't keep it refrigerated?

Finally, can you get them new, or only at the second-hand store?

Before I run out and get myself a raspberry beret, I need answers to a few of those questions....

Chow for now.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Isn't About Time We Introduce Another Vowel?

Typically, everything improves over time. "New" Tide. "New" Coke. Reality TV.

OK, a couple of those should have really been avoided, but you get my drift...

So how is that all these years (decades?) (centuries??) later, we still have only a handful of vowels for viewers of Wheel Of Fortune to purchase??

A, E, I, O, U - and sometime Y.

Sometimes Y? Let's just promote the goddam vowel and get it over with. Then, we should either convert a consonant or two, or come up with a few new vowels.

We could name them after someone famous, if that would speed up the process. JT has a new album, and his initials sound like vowels. Bjork makes a j sound like a vowel, so that's one that could be promoted.

Or, we could make some up. How about ^, }, or ~???

As always, I appreciate your input. Submit it to the address below in a plain white envelope, along with the $20. fee that will be required to submit the paperwork.

You could be part of history here.

Just sayin'....

Chow for now!

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Rnadom 11 Sighting Of The Day

Today's Random 11 Sighting Of The Day is perhaps the most common of all - 11:11 on a digital clock.

As I seem to be gathering a substantial collection of 11 photos, I thought it might be interesting to post a few.

Well, not so much useful as it is helpful to me, when I've got this blasted daily posting obligation...

You're welcome!!

Chow for now...

Monday, March 18, 2013

Top Two Posts Here...

Opposite ends of the spectrum, to say the least...

My top two posts as of this morning are:

1) My latest review from The Calgary Folk Club,
2) My Yodelling Pickle Video.

Clearly, I must load the pickle onto YouTube - it could perhaps be my Gangnam Style!

Other than that, a blend of miscellaneous posts make up the Top Ten, further confirming that there is no logic whatsoever when it comes to figuring out online readers....

Further to yesterday's post on my 7 years of doing this task, it is funny how things circle back. In my first year, I ended up getting to meet legendary humour columnist Dave Barry at a writer's conference. That may happen again if our economic recovery allows for me to attend my first writer's conference in about three years...he is scheduled to receive an award at the upcoming NSNC conference in Hartford.

Fingers crossed!!

Chow for now!

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Happy Blog Anniversary - 7 years!!

Where does the time go?

This bonus post today is in celebration of my very first post, back on this day in 2006!

First Blog Entry

Much has happened since then - event reviews, travel posts, an alcoholic chicken guest blogger...

But much like back then, the same things are on my mind:

"Who the hell would read this stuff???"

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

That there chicken don look like any chickens i usedta see on tha farm!!

Shiny show-off.....


Tha bottom picher is what he looked like when I first spotted him, trying ta hatch indigestshun pills - wut a putz!!

Up top, well, ya probably don wanna know how THAT picher came about...

Although, discoverin'  he was maid a CHOCOLATE might take a bit of tha gross ness outta seeing a peeled chicken!!


I've come ta learn it was a Eatser chicken - like many of tha earless bunnies that pass through these doors, kinda eye-ronik considering tha diabetes here in this joint.....


Stoopid hoomans...

Well, as long as ah keeps ma own skin on, they kin dispose uv all tha choklit ammimals they wanna...



Guess ma breakfist burreato is givin' me some grief....gotta trot!!

later, chumps!!


Cluck fer now....

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Calgary Folk Club 03 15 13

The Calgary Folk Club
03 15 13
Brother Sun, 
with Quinn & Qristina

The Saturday Morning "Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go" Entertainment Review:

The Calgary Folk Club
March 15, 2013

Brother Sun
(Pat Wictor, Greg Greenway, Joe Jencks)
Quinn & Qristina

Well, you may need to top up your coffee, I fear this particular review is going to be a lengthy one...

First off, what a perfect blend of artists for an evening of fine, diverse folk music. There really was something for everyone in the audience over three stellar sets of songs and stories last night at The Calgary Folk Club.

Opening act Quinn & Qristina sounded as if they just stepped off a fishing boat from the east coast with  sizzling fiddle and guitar to start their portion of the show. The surprise there is that they based on the OTHER coast, specifically Victoria BC. Not to quibble, these two young talents are both incredible instrumentalists, with a confident grasp of the stage and their audience. 

In particular, I was a fan of a segment with a nifty Irish tenor banjo, and "Shady Grove", a slinky blues fiddle workout - something you don't often find yourself describing in a whole lot of concert reviews...

The couple easily balanced tender gentle moments along with jigs and reels - and particularly creative work on their instruments - short bow plucks on the fiddle, and some harmonics on guitar. As a brother and sister, the familial exchanges added warmth to the experience. Although when my sister and I strummed badminton rackets in OUR basement, nothing like the sounds Q & Q created ever emerged, or prompted either of us to consider a career like these two have... 

Find out more for yourselves at their website! No surprise that they are already needing to expand their trophy case...

After a break, Brother Sun stormed the stage with an a Capella opener that was followed up by something that might have come straight from the Crosby, Stills, Nash songbook. The trio wowed the audience with seasoned individual voices for sure, but once those harmonies

The CSN comparison is just one way to try and paint a stylistic image of their united voices. Their "Highway 4AM (Driving)" had overtones of Restless Heart, and the first set closer "Shine" brought me right back to seeing The Band live. Songs like "St. Christopher", "The House That Jack Built", and the (sorry, not even a little bit of an exaggeration) stunning "Lady Of The Harbor" wouldn't be out of place in the Stan Rogers canon. 

Actually, for three Americans from Brooklyn, Chicago and Boston, Canada got a lot of love last night. There was a shout-out to the late Stompin' Tom Connors, and a performance of Dave Gunning's "These Hands" to follow up on actually seeing him perform it a few weeks ago. Surreal...

Note: this was their first Canadian tour. This might also be their first Canadian review.

I'll go over just a few of the highlights here: every single song. That's right, every single song. A remarkable performance of "In The Name Of Love". A hilarious doo-wop on Fox News. The semi-spiritual "Go Tell Mary".  As strong as each individual member is, the combination of their talents is absolutely compelling. I joked on Twitter that as the night wore on, I checked the two CDs I bought to make sure that all the songs were coming home with me. Happily, most did.

This is a group that brings so many diverse sounds and influences together to make something entirely original, and yet instantly familiar. It should be illegal to not own a copy of "Some Part Of The Truth". Incidentally, now available everywhere fine music is sold...

Discover Brother Sun online, and as the new season tickets are currently on sale, make sure you get in by visiting The Calgary Folk Club yourself!

Friday, March 15, 2013

Free Money!

Yes, I am joining the campaign to free Money, the hairless gerbil being held against his will in a goldfish bowl.

Poor Money has no exercise wheel, and his wood shavings are made from paneling.

Which is still far better than the sad case of Rusty the goldfish, who lives in a gerbil cage, continues to bump into a small steel wheel whenever he swims around, and has no similar online campaign to set HIM free...

So please, help me in my efforts to have Money run free! Any amount, no matter how small, will bring us closer to seeing this poor gerbil out of the fishbowl of Dez Pare (his owner...), and into a proper home.

Free Money!!

(Chow for now...)

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Ugly Coyote?

These things happen here...

We were driving along an industrial road in Calgary, and came across this little feller looking like he had just come through a car wash with the windows rolled down:

A coyote pup separated from his/her family...

Thanks to Mrs. That Dan Guy, we now know how to report a coyote sighting, and we have the number to The Coyote Hotline on a sticky note in our vehicle.

"Hello, Coyote Hotline, how may I direct your call?

Sir, you need to stop growling, and speak clearly...

No, I cannot confirm that the proper way to eat a rabbit is by biting off the ears first..."

Just another day in the Such Is Life household...

Chow for now! 

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

I Love To...Clean???

My latest column, now live online:

Master Of The Carpet Sweeper

Perhaps I rejoice a bit too much about vacuums???

Chow for now!

Monday, March 11, 2013

Panties Are #1!!

According to Google Analytics, my Top Three page views (as of this morning) are:

1) My Loose Moose Theatre "Kung Fu Panties Redux" review - by a wide, wide margin. I suspect many people surfing over are highly disappointed to discover that my post is NOT a review of ACTUAL panties.

2) My Calgary Folk Club review. I suspect many people surfing over are highly disappointed to discover that my post is NOT a review of ACTUAL clubs. Or folks....

3) My Stage West Calgary "Game Show" review - also last time I checked, that was the top Google search result - just sayin' .

There seems to be a bit of a theme developing......

Chow for now!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Kung Fu Panties Redux Review

Loose Moose Theatre
CalgaryAlberta Canada
"Kung Fu Panties Redux"

(photo courtesy of modern technology...)

(Finale cast photo with director Rebecca Northan, discreetly snapped from audience...)

The Sunday Morning "Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go" Theatre Review:

"Kung Fu Panties Redux"
Loose Moose Theatre

I couldn't possibly have cut this one any closer. Closing night, last performance after an extended run. So, you could consider this morning's write-up the absolute latest possible review of the show. As useful as mittens on a walrus...

I'd prefer if you read this and considered it the earliest possible review of the NEXT installment in this wildly popular stage production. Don't make the same mistake I nearly did in missing this second edition when it eventually returns to the theatre the next time around. Rest assured, it most definitely will be back....

Part Kill Bill. A nod to the Charlie's Angels film reboots. The tongue from Austin Power's cheek.  Campy ninjas that provide as many laughs as the rest of the cast. Kung Fu Panties Redux is (was?) "Hi-Yah!" hilarity on high heels!!

Of course, it is also specifically adult fun. There was more than a pinch of salty language and considerable sexiness for both the men and women in attendance. You won't see anyone snatch a pebble from Master Po's hand - but some anatomical references certainly substituted for that TV series omission for the audience...

On the sexiness theme again though, refer back to my comment on "camp". A relentlessly funny scene with male strippers possibly had an extra cast member out on stage - from where I was sitting it looked like one of the thongs malfunctioned, but I may just be nuts.... it could have been an upper thigh goiter?

The actors...I must apologize - without a program (and really bad Google search skills), I am unable to provide you with any cast names - but I would also be hesitant to single out any of the 11 members of this crack cast. Of course, the three ladies that make up this wee core of The Sisterhood were wonderful. As the criminal mastermind, _______ was a gas, and one scene with wires was especially memorable. 

As I say, the entire cast made this action adventure work, along with best possible use of staging, and well coordinated sound and lighting. I loved the creative laser segment, along with the sign-bearing ninja somewhat reminiscent of another character in A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum.

The full crowd in attendance clearly loved the show, and the five months of martial arts/stage fighting training paid off handsomely for the actors. No broken noses by the time the curtain fell! Literal acting chops...

I'm not sure how long this link will work, but you can find out more on something called Facebook: Kung Fu Panties Redux - you should also follow them on Twitter to get advance notice of future showings/editions.

For all things Moose, make sure you bookmark Loose Moose Theatre. Follow this legendary troupe and theatre on Twitter as well!

Saturday, March 09, 2013

Chicken Scratch

(posted pretty much noon-ish by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)


If ma wings were longer, I could be sritchin' mahself right now...


Funny...mah left side is freezin' cold, but mah right side is warm as a goat in a bubble bath....

An, mah bed don't feel as lumpy as usual.....









Friday, March 08, 2013

Easter Rabbit Etiquette

This Easter, don't leave things to chance. Today, I will share the PROPER way to consume an Easter rabbit made of delicious milk chocolate.

First off, these rules apply for the solid bunnies as much as they do the wasted money you might spend on a hollow rabbit. In my humble opinion,  it should be a federal offense to omit the full amount of chocolate in holiday offerings. Just stuffing marshmallow inside is a sad attempt to deceive consumers...

Regardless, here are my tips:

1) Ears Away!!  Always, always bite off the ears first. One could almost survive on chocolate rabbit ears alone, but hang in - the rest of the bunny is indeed as delightful as those ears...

2) Eye C(onsume) You... If you feel guilt over an earless rabbit pleading at you with their eyes, you will appreciate this next tip. OFF WITH THE HEAD!! Remove that peering eyeball along with the rest of the bunny's noggin, and voila! No more guilt!

3) Getting A Leg Up - Into Your "Rabbit-Hole": If your chocolate rabbit has stayed in one place so far, ensure that the bunny will stick around longer by removing the bottom portion of the candy. Thumper? Hard to thump without those lucky rabbit's feet!

4) Free-For-All: After the aforementioned items have been removed, it is now appropriate to consume whatever your heart desires next. At this point, it should no longer resemble a rabbit anyhow. Even a PETA member should feel comfortable breaking off a piece and gnawing on it.

There you have it! This Easter, follow these simple rules to enjoy your chocolate rabbit to the utmost.

Chow for now!

Thursday, March 07, 2013

Rejected Dwarves

Everyone remembers the original 7 dwarfs (thank Spell-check for THAT version) - Doc, Sneezy, Raspy, Ecru...

But were you aware that focus groups helped the original author determine that some other character needed to be cut, so as not to spoil the beloved cast that was ultimately assembled?

(I'm asking in case you might know that's actually true, because what I'm about to suggest likely never really happened...)

So, here we go - Snow White's Rejected Dwarf Companions:

Wilt The Stilt

Tuberculosis Ted


Richard Simmons



Tom Cruise

Cannibal Carl



(Chow for now..)

Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Post A Title

That is the default suggestion in the New Post Title Box, which does seem to make a lot of sense.

Title suggestions?

"War & Peas"??

"Pride & Pledge It Just"???

It is really meant to be a "grabber", something that lures readers to your site.


"Call Me, May Bea"??

"CSI Oxnard"??

I have been guilty in the past of luring viewers/readers with titles that have nothing to do with whatever I post - my bad!

"Winning Lottery Numbers"??

"An Teak Roads Oh"??

Unlimited Money - Free!!"???

Boy, it is really hard to choose just one....

Chow for now!

Tuesday, March 05, 2013

If Life Gives You Melons...

There's a pretty good chance you're dyslexic....

Or just a really bad speller...

Or, you're Pamela Anderson (sorry, I tried to leave that one out, I really did...)

Chow for now!

Monday, March 04, 2013

Retired Pope Projects..

First off, thanks to Mrs. That Dan Guy for her comments on an earlier Retired Pope post, which was the inspiration for today's column...

I'm not really sure what opportunities "Eggs" Benny will explore, but here are a couple of possible TV roles:

1) Revive a 90's video show feature, call it "Pope-Up" Video this time. The hook? Jabs at pop culture in Latin!

2) Pope In Space - based on the popular tweets of Cmdr. Hadfield from the Space Station (or wherever he's tweeting from, I just enjoy his photos), the Lingering Pope could also post inspirational pics, from miles above the Earth!

3) My most likely guess - either "Golden Pope", or "Pope In The House". The retired pope sharing a retirement home in Florida with beloved actor John Mahoney (Martin - "Frasier") and Bill Cosby ("Cosby"). Doorways too short for his hat; one washroom, three men - the laughs are endless! Thursday nights on ABC....

Chow for now....

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken McNuggets...)

Wut tha cluck????

Who let winner back in?? It was like summer aroun' here tha lass few days??


Ah woke up this mornin' , an it's cluckin' Snowmaggedon!!! Ah can't even see ma bi- sickle on tha lawn!!

Or ma buddy Cornelius, who sleeps outside - tha sap!!


Well, looks like ma plans to open ma lemmin-aid stand taday is dashed. Who's gunna buy ice drinks.....waaaaait a minute....Hot Rum Toddies anyone???

Perhaps a Saint Burned Ard with a kegga booze??

There muss be some way ta make a few bucks outta this dizaster....


Ah could offer tows ta cars stuck in tha snow. I juss need a emurgincy call number, and a toe truck....


Life kin be sew cruel ta entrapranoors....


Of course, I could juss go back ta bed....


Like a bear, see ya in sumer!

Cluck fer now!

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Calgary Folk Club Review, 03 01 13

Calgary Folk Club
March 1, 2013
Dave Gunning with
Molly Thomason

The Saturday Morning "Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go" Entertainment Review:

Calgary Folk Club
March 1, 2013
Dave Gunning with
Molly Thomason

True story - I discovered Dave Gunning's music back in 2009 when I wrote a column for my national column. I write a humour column for the real estate industry, and my concept for that month was a list of songs about house and home. 

Almost immediately after it came out, I got a letter (2009, remember letters?) from a reader upset about my omitting Dave's "House For Sale". I found a copy, and immediately became a fan of his style of country - as he suggested last night, Celtic Country.

Regardless of what you call the genre, this is a style of music that won't soon go out of favour. It's the sort of music that can be played around a campfire. In a kitchen. Or as he commented in one of his many stories last night, gathered around fellow oil patch workers, missing the home province you left in search of a good income.

A true east coast storyteller, Gunning shares how so many of his songs were inspired, and openly pays frequent tribute to his personal inspirations. A great story about seeing Stan Rogers and John Allan Cameron in concert (TOGETHER), getting the title of a song to co-write with Ron Hines in a bar - the audience clearly enjoyed those nuggets as much as the songs that came from them. 

His comments about going to school with J.D. Fortune (Rockstar INXS) and George Canyon (Nashville Star), and their subsequent reality TV success was pretty cool - I followed both of those TV competition journeys, start to finish. 

Songs. The man can write songs.

With about 20 centimetres of snow expected tonight, it maybe wasn't so out of context to hear his hilarious Christmas song, "Daddy's Beer". Regardless of the season, you might never get tired of hearing "Saltwater Hearts".  

Dave is currently in competition - "These Hands" is a finalist in the International Songwriting Competition. Click on this link to visit his website, and VOTE!! Or find links to his music and tour schedule.

Opening act Molly Thomason was immediately endearing. At just 18 years old, her musical influences certainly spill into her songwriting. Citing The Beach Boys, Buddy Holly and Dion and The Belmonts,  her songs showed deep maturity, as did the introductions she shared before performing them.

She's well aware of her old soul. She confessed to "Hometown" being part of a mid-mid-life crisis. I also really enjoyed "Walk You Home", and "Shine In The Dark", from her 2011 release "Beauty Queen".  The remarkable thing is that some of her material is 4 years old, which would have meant she wrote them when she was 14!

A new release is coming out soon, and she is ALSO in a competition. Visit her site to vote for her as Best New Artist on CBC's Searchlight MainStreet. Vote!

Check out The Calgary Folk Club for upcoming shows!

Chow for now...

Friday, March 01, 2013

Richard Karn Video Interview, Part Two!

Hot off the press - so hot I don't even have an image link posted yet....

Richard Karn Part Two

We talk about Home Improvement, Family Feud, Stage West Calgary's "Game Show", and an enduring iconic Canadian...

Chow for now!