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Saturday, June 30, 2007

Chicken Scratch
Happy Long Weekend, for you losers that need one. I get long weekends every cluckin' day!!!
So, the turkeys that live here (no relation) needed a fence, so they could enjoy their crappy little yard. Too good to stand outside with their Pina Coladas in the open field, eh???
Well, they were also TOO CHEAP (CHEEP??) to HIRE somebody to do it proper, so ole Charlie told 'em he could "git 'er done".
And now, the cluckheads will have to live with what I done...
By law, six feet is the maximum height for a fence here. I din't wanna break any laws (pillar of virtue that I am), so I tried real hard not to go over that.
Where I may have gone a bit wrong was not even coming close. Six feet, six inches - a fence is still a fence!!! Popsicle sticks, for the record, are freakin' cheap!!
Ain't no rabbits getting over that border!!
Hak! Hak! Hak!
'Scuse me. Friggin' smoke doubled back inta my beak...
They also needed a patio, and they wanted one made outta patio stones.
I'm a pluckin' chicken!! How the cluck am I supposed to lift those heavy bastards?? I laid down some gravel, spray-painted it beige...Bob's yer cluckin' Uncle!!
If they don't like it, they can kiss my tenderized tail-feathers!!
Cluck for now!

Friday, June 29, 2007

There are just not enough choices when it comes to peanut butter.

Take for example, the paltry offerings currently available. Smooth or crunchy. That's it. Even ketchup (catsup) has more flavour offerings than that!

Here's what I'm proposing. Send letters to The Food Network. Write to any food critics in your local newspaper. Get on the blower with that Rachel Ray lady, and INSIST that somebody add some variety to the peanut butter world!!

For one thing, why can't it already come mixed with jam? Or honey? There's two classic combinations alone that would sell like hotcakes, in my estimation.

For that matter, why not premixed peanut butter and hotcakes?? Yowza!!

Elvis fans might enjoy some deep-fried banana blended in their peanut butter. A savory taste sensation!

How about those miniature marshmallows? Imagine how delightful a mouthful of Peanie B. and that would be!!! I salivate at the prospect. Actually, I salivate a lot these days, especially when I lay down on my right side. Don't know why...

The possibilities are endless. Premixed peanut butter and grape jelly. Premixed peanut butter and ketchup (catsup). Premixed peanut butter and sardines. OMIGOD!! I can barely stand it!!! In a world where crackers and cheese live in total harmony, why not peanut butter and crackers??

I WANT SOME CHOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just sayin'...

Chow for now!!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

We were Roadhammers last night. That's right..roadhammers!!
We caught The Roadhammers during the course of a company BBQ (hers, not mine - I couldn't afford a real hammer, let alone a Roadhammer), and DID THEY EVER KICK BUTT!!!!!!

I picked up this Canadian country band's cd after hearing the first couple of singles, and seeing them live, well, they're even better. Rocked-out versions of classic truck drivin' songs, plus catchy originals - two thumbs up from us!! As a matter of fact, I'm still wearing my cowboy hat, as I punch out this posting...
As we were out attending this function last night, I had to tape The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators. I mean, come on, ya can't miss quality TV just because of real life!!
They're down to the semi-finals (that was quick!), and we only had a chance to view a handful of the performances. Granted, they were better than during the auditions, but still a long way from a near-sighted dog yodelling "Having My Baby"...
Bring back the male Cher's, for a "Cher-off"!!!
Maybe then there'd be a new cher-off in town, pardner!!!
Chow for now!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Good Grief!!

I am in entirely uncharted territory. At least for an old-timer like myself.

I got nudged into joining Facebook yesterday, the second-most popular social networking site on the Web. Even just during the somewhat brief search to find people I know, I felt like I had accidentally wandered into an online portfolio for 14-year old "glam" model photography, or a universe where Clay Aiken is considered a grand elder statesman.

I felt like Phyllis Diller auditioning for "America's Next Top Model"...

Oh, it's a cool enough joint. I just fear that after having to maintain a website AND this blogspace, the last thing I need is yet another online presence.

However, it was pretty cool (I must admit), to virtually converse and kibbitz, once I was finally able to find the people I knew (found them in under 45 minutes!!). I'll get back into the site later today, and kibbitz a bit more.

Unless my "cool factor" has already expired, in under 24 hours...


Chow for now!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Just in case you may be succumbing to "Philadelphia Fatigue" after over a week of postings, I thought I should mix things up, and babble on for a few paragraphs about something entirely unrelated.

Something...well, something likely on the hearts and minds of most people as summer begins to gather momentum. Network television.

We returned late Sunday night to a series of TV show recordings - none more anticipated for viewing than the episode of "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators" we missed while away.

Every TV season (it seems), we hunker down and look for the worst possible televised train wreck, and this one is clearly "it". Above and beyond even "National Bingo Night" !!! Who knew??

At any rate, to date in this short (thank God) series, the competitors have often resembled other "stars" than intended, and most often have sounded a lot like what I suspect cattle must sound like, while being branded or bathed. It has been a truly bizarre and tasteless parade of talent, in the absolute loosest form of that word. I've never seem so many male Cher impersonators since..well, one never really gets frequent opportunities to see many male Cher impersonators as a general rule of thumb, do they??

The quest for talent has ended. The final contestants have been chosen, and I for one can barely stand the wait, to see who will walk away with the crown, of "The Next Best Thing".

Unless a competing network broadcasts "Groundhog Day" at the same time. Man, I love that movie...

Chow for now!!

Monday, June 25, 2007

"Hey It's Good, To Be Back Home Again..."

That's right, we have returned from our conference/holiday in Philadelphia, so this is likely to be a lame posting (is there any other kind here??), as we have to get unpacked, mow the lawn, and try reviving the dog. Why in God's name did he eat ALL his food the first day we were gone???

I'll post more on the trip tomorrow, maybe even put up a Photo-Share link. If you're a history fan, especially U.S. history, Philly is a crazy town for that. More things have originated there than Edison had light bulbs. We had an absolute blast...

Aside from the other items, I realize I never did work on any of my columns while we were away, and deadlines are rapidly approaching. I'll either add to this posting later today, or make a really long one tomorrow.

Chow for now!!

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Philadelphia, Day Seven
I'm standing here (yesterday) directly on the ball field at Citizen's Bank Park, home of The Philedalphia Phillies. I've just been struck out in two pitches ( a record), and have been send back down to the minors, where my spiral will continue. I see no trading cards in my immediate future...
We got a first class tour of this facility, from the field to the dugout - all the way around the stands, luxury suites, and even into the batting cages and dressing room. Un-bee-lievable...
The coolest part was getting to sit in the various broadcasting booths, where they even broadcast the games in Spanish, which was happening as we were being toured through (the Phillies were on the road).
Aye Caramba!!
That was pretty much the last bit of sight-seeing, as our conference wound down last night. Sadly, we are being told that we have to board a plane in a few hours, and I'll need to attend to a lawn that hasn't been attended to it a little over a week or so (I've never been real good at coordination).
It's been a blast. The conference had loads of info, met some new friends,and caught up with ones we've seen at previous events. And if you've never been, Philadelphia is a must-see American city. It's where it all started! The history here is virtually historic!!
Anyhow, I need to pack, and there's one last meeting to attend.
Chow for now!!

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Philadelphia, Day Six
(NOTE: Due to an error in reading a calendar, Charlie Chicken appeared yesterday. Scroll down, he's below this posting)
Yessir, that's the top of the stairs made famous in the Rocky movies. What with the pose, I know it's almost impossible to not believe you're looking at Sylvester Stallone!
If Sylvester Stallone were an aging grizzly bear, rearing up in apparent indigestive discomfort...
Yesterday was History Day during our conference, here in Philly.
After the morning sessions (Fox New's personality Bill O'Reilly, humorist Dave Barry, and fashion columnist Robin Givhan), we were scooted around various scenic and historical sights.
We toured the U.S.S New Jersey, a rather large and imposing battleship. It is entirely appropriate to say "great guns" to a battleship, even if it is female...
We were bused over to The Phildelphia Art Museum, for our photo op on the "Rocky" stairs. In the first movie, back in the 70's, Rocky ran up those stairs in 10.9 seconds.'
Slacker! I conquered them in 9.7 seconds, WHILE holding a Big Gulp, and having a cigarette!! Movie magic my derriere!!
We also got to tour Independence Hall, and view the Liberty Bell. That's the bell you see on on those late night U.S. infomercials, for collectible silver dollars.
It's cracked, don't you know!!
We wrapped up our historical visitin' at the National Constitution Center, an amazing multi-media tribute to the National.
No, sorry, the Constitution. And, it was a sight to see. Very cool, even for an old Canuck.
Plus, it's kinda got a naughty word, right in the middle of it..
Hee Hee!!
Oh well, better get going. More sessions today, and more sights to be seen.
"Gotta Fly Now"!!!
Chow for now!
(PS - Again, I have no idea why the spaces between my type are crammed in together. I leave gaps, but the program fills them in. Go figure...)

Friday, June 22, 2007

Chicken Scratch
(Philadelphia, Day 5)
Scrambled eggs and powdered milk!! I'm in pluckin' Philly!!
Snuck into some luggage, last minute earlier this week, and it's a dang good thing I did... These bozos were goin' on a road trip, and they forgot to tell ole Charlie!!
It's not like I'm on probation or anything.
Well, OK...I AM on probation, but what's one little road trip, as long as I report on time come Monday mornin'?? It's not like I have to wear an ankle bracelet...
OK, so I SHOULD be wearing my ankle bracelet. It came off too easy, far as I'm concerned.
So, while Mr. & Mrs. Banjo have been runnin' their fool heads off, I been stayin' closer to home, so's as to scurry back whenever the trackin' device I put on 'em goes off.
Still, I been able to hit a few clubs close by, and lemme tell ya, there ain't many chicks in downtown Philly. Lots of mammals, not one cluckin' chick!!!
And hot! By the hammer of Thor, it's so hot I could dry off that slimy stuff on the top of my beak!
Can't find much in the way of pellets around neither. Sure, there's the odd kernel of corn kickin' around, but fowl does not live by corn alone. Frankly, I don't mind the odd bit of hamburger, truth be told...
Even though ground beef tends to activate my...
Ah, ya probably don't wanna know...
At any rate, I hear some stirrin' over in the bed. Better sign off, and get back in the suitcase...
Cluck for now!!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Philadelphia, Day Four
While sightseeing the other day, we happened upon The Walnut Street Theatre, which turns out to be America's oldest theatre (established in 1809).
Here's just a note from their website:
"From 1941 to 1969, Walnut Street Theatre was owned by the Shubert Organization and was the site of numerous pre-Broadway tryouts and world premieres, including A Streetcar Named Desire with Marlon Brando (1947), Mr. Roberts starring Henry Fonda (1948), Gigi with Audrey Hepburn (1951), The Diary of Anne Frank with Susan Strasburg (1955), A Raisin in the Sun starring Sidney Poitier (1959)."
Holy Toledo!!!!!!
We ended up getting tickets to what appeared to be a sold-out production of "Carousel", one of my favorite old Broadway musicals. It was amazing! The effects were unreal - at one point they literally hosted an old-time carnival on the stage.
And to give you an idea of the talent caliber, the female lead was on loan from the current Broadway production of "Phantom Of The Opera". In the lead role there...
Crazy, man...
Aside from that, we continued to hit a few more local spots, before my conference officially kicks off tonight.
We had lunch yesterday at "The Down Home Diner", which is run by Jack McDavid, from The Food Network's "Grillin' & Chillin'".
And, we found a Macy's store with some incredible, huge pipe organ inside.
OK, now I'm just getting giddy.
Better pack it in.
Chow for now!!!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Philadelphia, Day Three
(technically, Atlantic City)
Hey, we're on the Great Monopoly Tour!!
Yesterday, we took advantage of our close proximity to New Jersey to visit Atlantic City. Home of The Trump Taj Mahal, The Boardwalk, and more seagulls than you can shake a stick at.
And let me just forewarn you, if you shake a stick at seagulls in New Jersey, you risk getting your kneecaps rearranged. Tough birds, man...
New Jersey is just across the Delaware River, at one end of Philly. Philly backs onto Camden New Jersey, which makes me think of either a Bon Jovi or Bruce Springsteen album cover. Not sure why, but it does. I have episodes like this all the time, to be honest.
So, if you've never been, The Atlantic City Boardwalk is an amazing thing. One one side, you've got miles of sandy beach, along the Atlantic Ocean. On the other (and this is what gets us every time), there are world-famous casinos and hotels, not quite as lavish as their counterparts in Las Vegas, but lavish nonetheless.
And, the operative word here of course is CASINO.
We spent the entire day, from our arrival at 10:00 AM, until we left around 8:30 PM exploring, and gambling our sun burnt beaks off.
Trump's Taj Mahal is something to see, but there are loads of other cool places as well. Overall, we are happy to report that the entire day (transportation, booze, and meals included) cost us NOTHING!!
We did OK...
The other cool thing is that we were in the deep heart of Sopranos country, just after the end of the series run. Which became even cooler when we found billboards announcing an opportunity to meet the cast, at one of the bigger hotels.
Unfortunately, it was a few days from now, when I will be deep into the conference I came to attend in the first place.
Bada Bing!!
Gotta run. Tummy is rumblin'. Must forage for breakfast...
Chow for now!!

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Philadelphia, Day Two

For our first full day here in Philly, we hit the pavement. We hit the bricks. We hit the road.
It was pretty hard...but roads are often made from pavement, after all.
We spent yesterday sightseeing, within "walking" distance. Which was one heck of a shock to our systems, as "walking" back home is typically more like when we go from the sofa to the bathroom (nature can be very demanding when it calls)...
We wanted to walk down to the Shuylkill River, but for some reason couldn't seem to find anywhere to access the dang thing. There are supposed to be great city views there, but we gave up after several attempts. It didn't help that it was a balmy 90 freaking degrees for our walkabout... I think one of my thumbs melted.
Along the way to the river, we did wander through Rittenhouse Square (a park, not all that square frankly), and saw some old churches. Churches are cool when they're that old. We often take pictures of old churches, while on holiday. We did this time too.
We also made it down to the Pennsylvania Convention Center/Reading Terminal Market, where we took the photo at the top of this page. It houses the original Reading Railroad terminal, immortalized in the board game Monopoly. How cool is that??
Not that cool??
But we took half a dozen pictures!!
WE thought it was pretty cool...
The Center also houses the Hard Rock Cafe. Cooler??
We've been to several other Hard Rock Cafes, around the world. Just sayin'.
OK, to be honest, we're just braggin'.
More to come!!
Chow for now.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Philadelphia, Day One

Well, we arrived safe and sound yesterday, late afternoon. We are officially in Philly. Home of cheese steaks. Philadelphia Freedom. Streets Of Philadelphia. TSOP (The Sound Of Philadelphia). "The City Of Brotherly Love".

Well, whatever floats your boat...

We're here for the annual National Society Of Newspaper Columnists conference. We decided to arrive a few days early for this one, missing all but one hour of the the last one (Boston), due to weather.

After registering at our hotel, the first order of business was real food (anything other than the triple-priced crud that passes as sustenance in airports).

We hit a little joint just down the block from our hotel - "Little Pete's". Right out of an old detective movie. Loads of character, and AWESOME food. Best chili dog I've had since leaving Winnipeg!!

On a side note, we flew with fame. We ended up on the same flight as...

The Amazing Kreskin!! Watching him struggle with the automated check-in at the airport, maybe not quite so amazing these days....

But way cool anyhow!!

I do note that while taxiing on the runway, after about twenty minutes I was worried that we were DRIVING to Minneapolis, to catch our connecting flight.

Just sayin'...

And, speaking of fame, King Tut is here! That's right, the Egyptian pharoah (former - now mummy) made famous in a Steve Martin song!! We may try squeezing him in...

More to come!!

Chow for now!

Sunday, June 17, 2007


If this actually works, I will be breaking new ground, reaching new horizons as a Blogger!

I am blogging on my new, replacement Blackberry wireless device. Which is exactly like my former Blackberry wireless device, but without the goldfish swimming across the screen...

I am also doing this postfrom our room in the Calgary Delta Airport Hotel,where I am PROUD to say that I have saved just over ten bucks, not having to connect to the in-room high-speed inner-net!!!

Yeah, baby!!

We are off this morning, ultimately expecting to arrive in Philadelphia by late afternoon.

And now, I am about to discover if my typing on a miniature keyboard has been successful...

Chow for now!!

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Chicken Scratch

Good morning, humans.

Seymour Poultry here, reporting on the ongoing rain in Calgary. It's a bloody rain-o-rama here. Rain is falling like Britney Spears' popularity lately. There's been more rain here this spring than Harry Potter has potions.

My pinfeathers are soakin' cluckin' wet...

Yeah, it's been rainin' like the dickens here, after other forecasters suggested it would be a sunny weekend. Unlike Seymour, they're pluckin' witless, so stick with me, mammals - I'll give you the goods.

At any rate, it continues to rain. This would not be a great weekend to leave your cake out, or even a Blackberry wireless device. You'd have to be pretty brainless to introduce an electronic device to water, unless you're sharin' your bathtub with a toaster. Then, you probably got other issues to worry about...

At any rate - here's my forecast:

Rain today.
Rain tomorrow.
Rain rain, go away,
Come again some other pluckin' day,
Wet feathers do NOT drive the chicks wild!!

It would be awfully hard to do paper mache work in the yard today or tomorrow.

If you wanted to float your boat, today would be a good day to do it.

If you needed more time to meditate indoors about that lame-ass lousy ending for The Sopranos - fill your rubber boots this weekend.

Sheesh, who writes this crap?? Does Al Roker ad-lib like this? I ain't gonna win no Golden Pellet with this broadcast!!

At any rate, that's it for my report today.

Good night, and good cluck...

Friday, June 15, 2007

Berry, Black
Dec 25 2006-June 15, 2007

Black passed away suddenly, of unnatural causes. He leaves behind a mourning owner, who didn't realize just how attached he had become to Mr. Berry, and his amazing instant delivery of real-time e-mails.

Although heroic measures were taken to revive Mr. Berry, the damage was just too severe. His owner deeply regrets never taking him for some swimming lessons...who knows how that might have changed the ultimate outcome?

In the short time Mr. Berry was with us, he was the subject of a weekly column, which has also been picked up nationally, twice. Date of second publication as yet unknown. Never one for the spotlight, he would have shrugged off the notoriety, had he had shoulders.

During Black's short run as a wireless device for his owner, he was eager to present e-mails that had been received overnight, often along with a morning coffee, two cookies, and the freshly-delivered Calgary Herald. His owner is not entirely sure of this, but he swears that Black followed the comics page as eagerly as he did...

Black was well-known for his sense of humour:

*distinctive ring tones ("clown car horn", "A Little Less Conversation, A Little More Action", "space pulse"), which would often go off at inopportune and embarrassing moments;
*vibrating at awkward moments, in public places;
*resisting every programming attempt for months, until his owner had to call customer service, like the clueless baboon that he is...

HEY!!! Just a cotton pickin' minute here....

Black didn't live long enough to fulfill his dreams of starting his own little family of wireless devices. He did enjoy the sensation of being plugged into a wall socket though.

There will be no service held, as the owner will likely tuck Mr. Berry into his sock drawer, and continue to cling to the mistaken hope that he will someday be revived. Frankly, Mr. Berry is stiffer than an East Coast mackerel after a couple of days in the freezer. His incoming message days are done.

In lieu of cards or flowers, Mr. That Dan Guy would appreciate a contribution of substantial cash, as the latest model is much more expensive, and he has to pay for this one out of his own pocket. It is the price of being a klutz, or a putz. He is unable to remember which one of those names Mrs. That Dan Guy called him.

In all fairness, it was probably both...

Chow for now!!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Well, I've hit a new high-water mark regarding my klutziness. Yesterday, I managed the near-impossible, completely unprecedented experience of dropping my new Blackberry wireless device into...the toilet.

How is this possible? You've got to be kidding me?

Sadly, no. I watched as that little mobile device leapt from my breast pocket, returning to the closest stream it could find to spawn in. Not only is "stream" entirely inappropriate in this conversation, the device failed to spawn after its great escape - it simply died.

Why am I surprised that this could happen to me? After all, I'm the same guy that has:

-recently fallen down a set of concrete steps;
-carved a 4-inch scar into my cheek while staining my sundeck - and I don't mean my facial cheek;
-cut my foot while folding socks;
-inserted my house key deep into my palm while waving "good morning" to a neighbor.

There's more. Loads more. But that should give you just a little bit of an idea of how clumsy I am. Chevy Chase and John Ritter were gazelles by comparison.

So, I am now nursing my Blackberry, hopefully back to life. I have come to rely to the point of ridiculous on the thing, so the sooner he returns to me, the better.

All I have now is my barren hip, where once he used to play.

Please come back...

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

I'm thinking of buying a goat.

This may just be another indication of the apparent limitless levels of laziness I aspire to, but I am seriously considering having a goat graze on my lawn, thereby enabling me to avoid THAT unpleasant task myself.

Not sure why I highlighted THAT in the previous sentence, but I suspect it was to emphasis how much I DISLIKE mowing the lawn...

Frankly, I have better things to do than spend my time walking back and forth, forth and back, side to side on my lawn. You wouldn't know it by reading this drivel, but I do.

If I had my druthers, I'd pave the freakin' stuff over, and paint the concrete green. It would be worth it, just to watch the early birds trying to get their worms out of hardened cement...

Of course, I could just lay down astro-turf, a popular artificial sod. That way I could still run my toes through something fuzzy, other than what's growing on my hardwood, over in the shady part of our living room...

At any rate, the grass has got to go. Whatever my ultimate solution is, I have lost the will to mow. I have seen "The Eye Of The Tiger" dim, regarding lawn maintenance.

My oneness with the blades has left the building...

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

There's been a bit of hubbub here in Calgary recently, as one of the royals has been spotted around town.

Yes, that's right. one of THOSE royals. Prince Harry to be exact.

He made the paper here several times, while carousing at a popular nightclub called "Cowboys", with several other members of his division. They're training around here somewhere.

For the army. I reckon there's just not enough open field space left in England, would be my guess...

At any rate, he didn't make the most flattering appearance in the local media. Seems he was hitting on a local bar wench (sorry, bartenderess), who turned around and sold her "story" ("story" like Paris Hilton's diary entries are likely to one day win a Pulitzer prize) to a UK tabloid. For $30,000!!!

This young entrepreneur also hopes that this recent royal exposure will explode her modelling future (modelling, like Anna Nicole Smith's stellar and memorable forays into "acting"), and maybe get her a shot in Playboy, or Gent.

What, she couldn't wait until Playboy was shooting one of their bazillion installments of "Peroxide 18-Year-Old Bartenders Of The Northwest"???

At any rate, an alert reader sent a letter to the editor of our fine daily newspaper, suggesting that previous "trysts" with British celebrities have fetched dollar amounts more in the $1.0-$2 million range, Canadian. Suggesting to me at least that this bartender's future modelling endeavors may be limited to more mundane options, such as "Cattlemen's Monthly", or "Famous Briefly, Yesterday"...

Chow for now!!

Monday, June 11, 2007

What a letdown!!



Rat bastards!!!


So, we watched the final episode of The Sopranos last night, and personally, after so many fine seasons of whackin' - this was a complete fizzle. Was that supposed to wrap up a long-lost episode of The Mary Tyler Moore Show?? I've seen episodes of The Wiggles with more action than that snoozer last night!!!

Maybe they needed to cheap out, and leave the door open for a future movie, or HBO special? Maybe they were writing the script, and got sidetracked by an episode of America's Got Talent??

Whatever - in the history of series finales, that one is going down in my books as striking out while swinging at a beach ball on a string. Blah! Yech! Booooooooo!!!

But enough mincing my words here. I'll tell you how I really feel about that crapola finale:

*I felt like I had opened my last Christmas present, and it was a box of Bran Flakes.
*I felt like I had found the secret to getting the caramel into a Caramilk bar, and it was as simple as pressing the two sides together, with the caramel pooled inside the squares...
*I felt like I had successfully trained a squirrel to change lights bulbs, and just as our new business cards were ready from the printers - he got run over by a cube van...
*I felt like I had spent a whole season cheering for Canadian hockey teams, only to see a team from California win The Stanley Cup...
*I felt, much like yesterday, like a Pepper...

Curse you, Tony Soprano!! Curse you!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, June 10, 2007

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer weiner....

I don't know why.

I also feel like a Pepper lately. Wouldn't you like to be a Pepper too?

For a while last week, I had an even stranger urge. I wanted to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony!

But then I got sidetracked, running around to local restaurants, asking "Where's The Beef"??


The Ongoing Saga of Paris Hilton - Part 2

So, last I reported, Paris Hilton had been released from her plush celebrity prison facility, to remain in house arrest - in the family mansion. How terrible!

This was apparently due to "medical issues". Personally, I'd like to see the media quit writing about her, for the very same reasons (aren't we all sick to death of hearing about this spoiled juvenile nitwit every five minutes??)

Well, the story now takes a tragic turn for young Paris. Just after my posting the other day, she was ordered back to court, and SENT BACK to The Joliet Hilton, to resume her sentence. Where, and I understand this to be true - she is in a medical wing, for "medical concerns" again?

Seriously people, if an animal suffers, we do the humane thing, and send them off to that pasture in the sky - that land of fetch in the clouds - the hamster wheel in heaven. Is this not an option here? If not for her well-being, what about ours??


I miss "Corner Gas". How much longer must I wait for the new season???????

Chow for now!!

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Chicken Scratch

Weekend greetings. I used to have feathers, you never did...


Wow! Busy week last week. I ended up gettin' drafted into active duty, with the Prairie Poultry Patrol. I joined as a lark, to scam some "charitable organization" bucks, but Holy Chicken Pellets - we got flooded here last week!! Our group had to actually get out of the neighborhood pub, and rescue people!!

Ya ya, I know - Charlie, you're so brave. Charlie, you're my hero.

Well, I am...

But tell that to the twit that start screamin' when she saw a group of chickens wearing lifejackets, swimmin' over to her car!! What, were we a synchronized swimmin' team, lookin' to heist her Randy Travis cds??


Humans are SOOOO cluckin' stupid...

Not only did we risk serious beak pucker tryin' to save this wingnut, that flood water was cluckin' dirty!! And cold! I'm still tryin' to get the feelin' back in my pinfeathers.

Hey, speakin' of poultry, how about them Anaheim Ducks? We may just be cousins in the bird world, but good on 'em for winnin' a freakin' Stanley Cup!!

What do they do with it, now that they got it? Make soup? Save rainwater?? I know what I'd do with it...seeing as how I ain't got no litterbox anywhere in this joint...

Speakin' of that, I gotta run. I feel my morning constitutional comin' on.

Let's Get Ready To RUMBLE!!!!!!!

Cluck for now!

Friday, June 08, 2007

Effective immediately, I am suspending my ongoing efforts to "help bring sexy back".

It's not that they haven't been successful (at least in my own humble opinion - although shaving my legs everyday was getting to be a bit of a pain in the butt...).

Rather I am redirecting my energy into something that I believe will ultimately be of more benefit to me personally, should I ever run afoul of the law. I am now making my life's mission...drum be: "That's Hot".

Yessir, considering Paris Hilton's sudden release from prison due to "medical reasons" (the entire staff at the lightweight penal facility was sick to death of her), I am motivated to build up a goodwill bank such as hers, should I ever find myself sentenced similarly. Why ride out 23 horrific days in a plush prison, when a bit of whining and acting like a spoiled brat will get you released early?

Imagine how much the government will be able to save, releasing people after such short stops in the joint. Armed robbery? Come on by - we won't inconvenience you - you'll be out holding up 7-11's again in no time!!

Cheat on your taxes? Hey, who hasn't!! Drop by our compound for the weekend, and you'll be out by Monday! And, we validate your parking stubs!!

Graffiti artist? Come on by and peruse our state-of-the-art 2800 sq. ft. studio - but don't worry - all our courses run in under 48 hours! You could be working on the same pottery equipment as Martha Stewart did!

Yeah. yeah. That's the ticket. "That's Hot!" I'm gonna be a male Paris Hilton. It's like a gold-plated Monopoly get-out-of-jail-free card!!

Chow for now. Hey, that's hot!!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

The Ducks are the winners!
Long live The Ducks!!
Mighty indeed are The Ducks that skate!!!

They went on to win, those Anaheim Ducks,
Unstoppable, shooting those pucks,
For Ottawa, just bad lucks,
Not winning - that truly sucks...


Hey, I heard on the radio yesterday that Gene Simmon's Family Jewels has been such a big hit for A & E that they have picked it up for another year, and expanded the season!!


Gene rocks!!

Well, that goes without saying I suppose. He's a rock star.

I'm thinking of growing my hair out, in tribute to his TV success. Does he have a really apparent bald spot as well, in the back of his head?? Even if he did, they'd just airbrush it out. This is TV for God's sake - movie magic to make the old guy look good.

I'd just use shoe polish...


Train Wreck Update:

Second episode last night of The Next Best Thing! Celebrity Impersonators Gone Wild!!

This show is really shaping up to be the stinker of the season. We've decided NOT to watch the second season of America's Got (Not A Twig Of) Talent, so this is a GREAT replacement.

While we are sacrificing seeing a drunken David Hasselhoff struggle to eat a cheeseburger on national TV, we HAVE been treated to a nonstop parade of what can only be described as "remote" celebrity impersonators.

For example? How about a male Britney Spears?


I LOVE IT!!!!!

Can't wait for next week.

Until tomorrow: Ducks Rule!!

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

So, I have admitted (recently, even) that I tend to whine no matter what is going on around me.

"It's too hot".

"It's too cold".

"My buttocks protrude too much".

Can't seem to find a happy medium.

Well, last night finally gave me cause to gripe for a proper reason. If you haven't seen the news, Calgary has been getting a bit of rain the last day or so. Enough rain that the neighbors on either side of me are building arks. Enough rain that when an SUV is named "Cruiser", it actually does cruise - along the river in the middle of the street!!

We drove across town last night, and the water was so deep in some spots that those rooster tails you see on racing hydro-planes looked like weak trickles in an elementary school water fountain by comparison. In some areas of the city, cars were almost completely underwater!! I mean, I liked "Yellow Submarine" as much as the next person, but I don't think The Beatles were singing that song about a 1987 Nissan!!

In our own neighborhood, the stop sign at our street junction had water deep enough to stall a car - the water level was up to the poor guy's windows!! This is no way to save a few bucks on a touchless car wash!!

And, to make things worse, a home in our very neighborhood was hit by lightning, and burst into flames!!

The message is clear. Tonight, we will round up a few goats, and even though we may be a little rusty, we will make an offering to the heavens.

Anybody know where I left my raincoat??

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

"Hot Dogs" are a funny food. Are they meat? Are they mineral? Are they in fact food at all??

My understanding is that the average hot dog will likely never compete with caviar for space on a plate in an upscale restaurant or cocktail party. Picture trying to fit a foot-long on a cracker...

I've even heard that the average hot dog contains either:

a) "mystery" meat bits,
b) "nominal" meat bits,


c) "absolutely no" meat bits.

I've also heard that whatever they sweep off the floors in the packinghouse is what typically constitutes a hot dog.

Now, I already know hooves and horns make Jell-O, so what's left over for hot dogs?

Organs, I suppose. I know you can buy tongue and kidney in the meat department, but have you ever seen appendix, or lung?? Maybe, or maybe it's just wrapped up along with some seasoned sawdust, in your HOT DOG!!!

Considering hot dogs TASTE like some sort of meat, there has to be some minute particles of meat in their composition. Maybe the pieces with freckles, that wouldn't look appealing on a ribeye steak? Or maybe knees?

At any rate, whatever they do to whip these delights up is fine by me. They taste great, even if they're made from ear canals, and armpits!!

Hey, enjoy a couple tonight, on your barbecue!!

Chow for now!!

Monday, June 04, 2007

Not sure why, but I seem to be falling down on the job, in my humble efforts to "help bring sexy back".

I mean, it really should be a simple enough process. Yesterday, I cut an old pair of jeans into what could only be described as "hot pants". Or shorts waaaay too inappropriate to wear with my boxers...

Anyhow, along with those pantlets, and a T-shirt from Gold's Gym (yard sale find!), I figured my glance into the bedroom mirror indeed confirmed the possibility of at least a little "sexy back".

But then it rained all afternoon. Before I could hit the streets, spreading "sexy back" like that apple seed dude does his thing. I was (Word Of The Day coming up here) stymied.

So today, it begins all over again. I've got oodles of "sexy back", looking for an appreciative viewing audience. Maybe coming to YOUR neighborhood...

Chow for now!!

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Saturday, 1 PM:

Great. It's a beautiful, sunny day. The temperature is rising. In the upper level of our home, our bedding is melting, and running down the side of the bed...

Saturday, 3 PM:

Briefly considered removing the racks in our fridge, but warm beer is worse than warm Dan Guy. Stuck a couple of oranges under my armpits, until I cooled off a bit. Failed to identify which ones those were, later in the day for Mrs. That Dan Guy...

Saturday, 3:30 PM:

We've decided to go for a little drive. In our air-conditioned car. To someplace air-conditioned. Must stop sweating...

Saturday, 4:30 PM:

Found a lovely little place to kill a few hours. Cool beverages, climate-controlled environment, slot machines. All is well in the world.

Back home, our upstairs sofa has crawled downstairs, opened up the refrigerator, and put a couple of cold oranges under its armpits...

Saturday, 6:00 PM:

We are eating, and coming to terms with the fact that we may have to leave this Utopia of flashing lights, ringing bells, and cool temperatures. We eat like our plates are full of raw broccoli.

Saturday, 7:30 PM:

To extend our reprieve from sweating like yaks, and get a nominal degree of exercise, we park downtown, and take a walk around Prince's Island Park. Probably named after a real prince, not Prince... We are unable to locate the "island"...

Two items of note:

First, we got to see a beaver climb out of the water, and cross the road. We were close enough to touch it (please insert your own joke here). It was VERY wet (again, fill your boots).

Second, we got caught in a freak rainstorm. In the sunshine and heat. Weather here is confirmed as totally psychotic.

Saturday, 9:00 PM:

We've run out of options. We must return home. Unlocking the door, I swear I can hear what sounds like oranges being tossed into the fridge, and upholstery bumping hastily up the stairs...

Heading upstairs, we are pelted with waves of heat, not unlike what it must feel in the heart of the Sahara Desert. Wishing it was the Sahara Dessert, and that our choice was ice cream...

Our electric fan is completely disinterested in spinning, let alone cooling us off. The feeble whip-whip-whip is NOT helping us out at all...

In a corner somewhere, I can hear Charlie cursing, and calling us "cheap featherless bastards"???

Saturday, 11:55 PM:

Just finished watching Woody Allen's "Scoop". Not too bad a movie. Sadly, a classy who-done-it, NOT a film about Ben & Jerry's...

Sunday, 12:05 AM:

Still hotter than a frying pan in here. Must

Chow for now!!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Chicken Scratch

Cluck A Doodle Dooooo!!!!

If yer readin' this, then your lazy butt must finally be out of bed. Good for you...

Well, as you can tell by my picture today, I have decided to join the oil game. Yeah, that's right - I'm gonna be rich!!


With gas prices risin' everywhere, I figure I just need ta hit a small bed of oil, and I'll be rollin' in dough!!

Uh, maybe that's not such a good analogy, for a chicken...

I'll be swimmin' in greenbacks, is what I'll be.

I'll be so cluckin' loaded, I could feather myself with diamonds! Get my knuckles pierced!

I could afford to sue Gold's Gym, for not puttin' a doughnut tray on their treadmills! I hate dropping those damn things, every time...

One thing I ain't sure about is the legalities of this new gig. I hope to just drill in Banjo Boy's backyard, but if he finds out, he may want a piece of the pie. What with the high development costs (my drill, my hard hat, and Feathers Balboa - my lovely and nubile new assistant), I need all the scratch I can muster, from whatever bubbles up.

Hey, maybe I can move to Beverly Hills, like those hillbillies on TV.

We already got a banjo...


Cluck for now!!

Friday, June 01, 2007

Man, is it hot here. Even my sweat is sweating. Not even 7:30 in the freakin' morning, and I feel like I'm sweating with the oldie.

But enough about Mrs. That Dan Guy!!

Ha Ha!! Ba-Doom Boom!! Here all week folks!!

After suffering snow not so long ago, summer has evidently arrived, and in the upper level ("storey" for you science sticklers) of our home it is accompanied by sweltering, sub-tropic-like conditions. We've got rich green lichen growing on the side of our armoire, and the damn capuchin monkeys won't stop fighting over the one banana we have left on the nightstand. It's making us crazy enough to crawl out from under the mosquito netting, and move down to the first floor.

And this is my life in a nutshell....griping when it snows, griping when it rains, miserable when it's too warm, downright unbearable when it's too hot - I've become a curmudgeon!! Like those two dead actors in Grumpy Old Men!! Like Winnie The Pooh on bad weed. Like...anybody that watched The Next Big Thing recently!!

Why, I'm more miserable than an Ottawa Senators fan right now!!

Boy, I may be dead-wrong in THAT prediction, eh?? GO DUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gotta run, I need to slip a can of frozen beans in my drawers.

My DRESSER drawers!! What kind of weirdo do you think I am??

Chow for now!!

PS - A big shout out to GG, who is rockin' in the "poka" world!! Sha-nizzle!!