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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

If you haven’t already tuned in to HBO’s terrific biopic “Temple Grandin”, you really should. It’s not hard to argue with all the Emmy awards the film picked up last night – the entire cast put forth outstanding performances, and Claire Danes was virtually unrecognizable in the lead role. One of those movies you really don’t want to end…

What exactly is a “Temple Grandin” you might ask? Well, it’s either:

a) A super-sized house of worship,

b) Starbucks’ latest medium-sized hot soy beverage,

c) A sizeable pulsating growth on the side of your head…

d) An engaging biography.

e) Do you remember when A & E used to run engaging biographies???

f) The part of your eyeglasses that is very grand.

Seriously, watch this movie! It’s moooving….

Chow for now!!

Monday, August 30, 2010

I took apart our little Dirt Devil hand vacuum yesterday, finally succumbing to nagging curiosity. I just had to see where the maker hides the little tornado inside….

At least, I THINK there’s a tornado inside, or some such force of nature that draws dirt and debris up from the floor, into the holding area. I will admit – it would have to be one tiny tornado in such a small appliance. Which frankly has (had) an awful lot of parts, for its size…

Glancing at the debris of what used to be a hand vacuum, I do wonder if I shouldn’t maybe have jotted a few notes down, before I started to disassemble the little guy – oh well, how hard can it be to put back together??

We’ll soon see…

Chow for now!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

I’ve taken great pains here recently to avoid griping about the weather – and just yesterday I took those very same pains, and tried throwing them into the fireplace, to heat the friggin’ house up….

Alberta is one of the few places in the world that summer forgot to visit this year. We had one day of warm weather, timed perfectly for when we were moving. Sweat is a delightful lubricant for aching old joints scrambling to move heavy weights, although smelly movers is not such a desirable thing to contend with, in cramped quarters.

Now, with that day of summer a fond memory, evening temperatures are plunging below a level comfortable for keeping Jack Frost away. Pretty soon I expect we’ll see our first snowfall of the year.

And we wanted to stay here why???

Bah, humbug!!!

Chow for now….

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest pest…ummm…I mean weekend guest “blogger”, Charlie Chicken.)

Suds me up, Barber Bob! I gots poultry bumps that need ta be smoothed over!!


Ya know, friendly humans, when ya pluck yerself clean onna regular basis, the lacka feathers can kinda make all yer imperfractions sumwut unsightly. Every lump and bump is on display, fer the common masses. As you may guess – it ain’t always pretty…


Sure, with MY fizique, I can pull off the denuded look – with classic lines like mine, a bird can still be worth two in the bush, if ya know what I mean.

If ya do, lemme know – I’m not sure that made sense even ta me…


So, once my weekly chitter-chatter is done here, I gotta run tha razer - keep my poultry bumps smooth ta tha touch, for any touchy-feely birds at tha bar tonite!

Now, where d’ya think Lunkhead mighta packed the bandages, during this relocation????

Cluck fer now!!

Friday, August 27, 2010

How much is that doggie in the window? Perhaps just as important, why is the darn thing in a window in the first place?

Chow for now!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Man, McDonald’s must do 80% of their business from people in transit. Especially when your newest residence isn’t far from one of their fine restaurants…

That could be considered an oxymoron, reading that last sentence back just now…

However, handy is as handy does – Mickey D’s coffee, Mickey D’s iced coffee, Mickey D’s meat and potatoes…if I see one more red-headed clown this week, I might start to think they’re a family member!!

Hey, today we found our toaster! Home cookin’ again starting tomorrow!

Chow for now…

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A few quick notes from the madhouse, while I spend time rifling through boxes for soap, underwear, and Mrs. That Dan Guy:

1) Despite every effort to make this a “seamless” move, our plan failed miserably. It will be weeks before we return to any sort of normalcy. I can’t even find Charlie anywhere, which now that I think about it, maybe isn’t such a bad thing…

2) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #1: Even a minor reduction in living area square footage will result in compromises – such as having your toaster on the living room sofa table.

3) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #2: “Fragile” marked on delicate boxes brings the widest smiles to movers’ faces…

4) The items you desperately need the moment you settle in, are the ones that will be buried under boxes marked “Basement”, but dropped off in the living room and bedroom.

5) Basic Rule Of Thumb For Moving #3: First morning in the new home, you discover how well built the walls are along the stairway leading downstairs, which should really have been better lit, all things considered..

6) The wonder of nature – while YOU haven’t been able to find your packed groceries, the morning after you’ve moved in you awake to discover that a family of raccoons have been infinitely more successful in that regard…

7) Unfamiliar new shower, or used sandblaster???

Things are starting to come together, just far slower than we had hoped. Family, friends – we still hope to make contact with our updated info – as soon as I can set up our main computer – we aren’t ignoring you!!

Chow for now…

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Wow! Running waaay behind today - however, just got internet access moments ago.

In light of the past few days, relocating the Such Is Life household, here's an old column from 2007, about the joys of moving:

The Zen Of The Household Move…

Next to substantially remodeling a home, or widely differing opinions on childrearing, there can’t be any endeavor so stressful to a relationship as moving. I would not be at all surprised to find that there are criminal defense attorneys skilled exclusively in the slam-dunk practice of acquitting wives and girlfriends, after their partner’s poorly planned relocation plan has gone entirely awry. Let’s be honest, no jury in the world would convict the woman whose husband has actually given the wrong house number to the movers-the house he has come home to every night for the last 12 years-the house he orders a pizza to every Monday night, just before the football game…

There are a few different ways to move, depending on the load that eventually needs to toodle over from Point A to Point B.

Young couples, or single folks with minimal earthly possessions can either move everything over in the trunk of their Volkswagen Beetle, or ask a few friends to help fill up a rented cube van. Cost: some beer and pizza.

Chronic packrats like myself will find themselves begging with CN Rail to add a spur connection, to assist the boxcars in reaching the front door. Cost: the wide-screen TV and surround-sound system you hoped to convince your wife would look great in the new rec room.

I’m not saying we’ve got too much…stuff, but the last time we moved, observers thought Fleetwood Mac was back on tour…

If I had one piece of advice to offer after several moves (one inter-provincial), it would be to consider very carefully what really needs to arrive at your new home. When we moved to Kelowna from Winnipeg, we brought (I kid you not!) a substantial load of red bricks. Not sentimental, childhood keepsake bricks, but the painfully ordinary building bricks you might find in any building supply store.

Why, you might ask, would I move bricks across several provinces? It was part of a homemade bookshelf. And a mover’s hernia…

The Zen of the household move comes in hoping to find that perfect balance of preparation prior to the move, blended with the foresight for the first day at your new home. You hope to pack up exactly what you won’t need before the move, then at the very last minute, you will cram the things you’ll need immediately upon unloading at your new home into whatever packaging is still available at the old one. Many a mover has had to bite his tongue at the sight of groceries jammed into pantyhose and hastily-emptied cereal boxes…

The one thing you never want to do is mix up that sequence of events. Should you find that you have erroneously packed the vital household items that your partner uses every day without exception, and then further aggravated the situation by failing to remember to label the boxes, you are best advised to consider a new career, perhaps in the French Foreign Legion. I’ve always liked the hats those guys wear anyway…

No matter how well you plan a move, something will go missing. You can unpack everything on the moving van, and have police dogs come over and try to sniff it out, but the infallible law of a household move is that something either very important, or just plain embarrassing will disappear completely, like a piece of vacation luggage that visits a couple of Hawaiian islands you never made it to yourselves during your holiday.

Plan your move as best as you can. The end result is you better not pack the coffeemaker where you can’t find it again on move-in day…


Soon as we catch our breath, we'll update our contact info, family and amigos!

Chow for now!!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Well, moving day is here - the actual movers arrive sometime between 8:30 and 9:30. Depending on how long they take, I may be able to resolve our Internet issues in the new home (new to us...), and get back to blogging from my computer.
Chow for now

Sunday, August 22, 2010

May be doing tomorrow's blog via my phone
Chow for now

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

You’d think that at my advanced age, I could read a clock properly.

However, last night I posted a little mini-post, unfortunately before the start of today. Hence, my having to repost a link to that snippet.

Scroll down, and click on the link to listen to a great new song from Manitoba’s Doc Walker – these guys are amazing, and I’m not just saying that because they’re from my home province J


Chow for now!!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

From Here by Doc Walker

Check out this AWESOME new song from Winnipeg country artists Doc Walker - once again, as when they released "Beautiful Life", instant Hitsville!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Heh Heh Heh…

Get It??

Chicken Scratch???


I guess ya need ta shop at tha cluckin’ Dollar Store…


I’ll letcha stare at it until it comes ta ya.

Cluck fer now!

Friday, August 20, 2010

A blank page. A screen unblemished by typeface and or goofy graphics, shooting for a cheap laugh.

That would be any site other than this one, I figure. Where no low hasn’t already been achieved, or further depths aren’t just as likely. Yes, here in the Such Is Life household, we strive to ensure that we have standards, low as they may be.

Our humble apologies…

Chow for now.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Hey, we’re finally seeing a bit of summer, here in soggy ole Cowtown! It hit 30° for the first time yesterday, and it appears that the thermometer will be lingering in the higher numbers for the next few days.


Now I will rapidly plant some corn and lettuce, so that I can garnish the bologna I picked up from the deli yesterday. Mmm-mmm good!!

Chow for now!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Have I mentioned before that Mrs. That Dan Guy has 11 toes? Or that three of them are webbed?

Thought you should know, in the interest of full disclosure, honesty, and just to see her reaction…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

As we’re coming up to the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, it dawned on me that I have an interview with a comedy troupe from New Orleans that I should edit and post on my podcast site. It was quite a bit of a hoot, although due to time constraints, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I didn’t get a chance to stick around and see them perform.

I’ll try and get that done over the next few days, and then I’ll post a link to that here – but for now, here’s a column that resulted from the interview, which seems to still be lurking around online:


Chow for now!!

Monday, August 16, 2010

You know, I often wonder why (usually immediately after I’ve done something) I haven’t thought things through thoroughly, before proceeding.

Take my post from a few days ago (please – ba-dum-bum) – I presented an entire blather stream that began almost at the extreme far end of the alphabet, specifically the letter “W”.

"Why?" Exactly.

Today, in deference to the START of said alphabet, I present for your reading enjoyment (hee hee hee – why yes, I may very well be completely delusional, thank you…) a selection from – the letter “D”.

-Dapper Dee Drives DeSoto Daringly!

-Darting Dachshunds Dive Down Driveway!

-Delores Dates Danny, Dumps Darren!

-Dustin Dieber Doesn’t Dominate Dance Domain…

-Do Dingoes Dangle Der Dinner?

-Da Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Da


-Disney’s Duck, Donald?

-Dis dumb, daresay…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Our cat has been hiding under the bed for what seems to have been an awfully long time. Weeks, maybe?

It’s been SOOO long, I frankly don’t even remember what kind of cat it is.

For that matter, now that I think about it a bit longer…I’m not even sure we have a cat anymore!

Which would explain the food and water that hasn’t been touched by the back door, and the remarkable condition of the kitty litter box – it’s so pristine you could eat out of it!

Not that I’d want to consider that, even if it were true that we are in fact…cat-less!

Now, why would Mrs. That Dan Guy encourage me to maintain some fa├žade of pet ownership, if we are lacking in any sort of live feline companionship? Is it some sort of test of my responsibility quotient? Is she secretly “punking” me, and posting my efforts on the Yoo-Hoo Tube?

Some days, I sure wish I had a better sense of awareness…

I just hope I'm not going to regret ordering that "Emery Cat" product from the TV commercials. Although, if it works on cats, wouldn't it work on a dude???

Chow for now!!

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger and fine television connoisseur Charles D. Chicken…)


Saturday mornin’. It’s the cluckin’ best!!


Cluck fer now…

Friday, August 13, 2010

Today’s post is brought to you be the letter “W” (just for shiggles…)





Wee Walter’s winter wiener was wrinkled.

Why would Wendy wallow wistfully?

Where we wiffle, we wattle!


Wherefort wart whoa, Womeo?

Wakka Wakka…


Well, we-xcuuuu—se we!!!


Chow for now!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

For anyone keeping track out there, today is Garbage & Recycling Day, in our neighbourhood. Looking out our front window, the festivities seem a tad subdued this particular G & R Day…

Chow for now!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Happy 11th, everyone!

Here’s a column from a while ago, seemed like a summer-appropriate post:

Learnings From My Lawn Chair

I read somewhere recently that dolphins may not be as smart as we think they are, just because they have a big brain. The writer of the article suggested that dolphins could likely be outwitted by lab rats, and possibly even goldfish. I hope the scientist the writer had interviewed for the column was talking about actual fishbowl residents, and not the cracker variety – that wouldn’t bode very well for the average dolphin.

Even though I have a hard time picturing a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish in the same laboratory classroom filling out a pop quiz, I had an even harder time with the columnist’s picks for the top ten smartest animals:

1) Great Apes (includes humans, chimps gorillas, etc): Being human, I can agree with this ranking, although the one great ape I have in my monthly poker group really isn’t all that bright…I mean, come on – who raises with a four and a seven off-suit?

2) New World Monkeys: All things being equal, are they really that much smarter than Old World Monkeys??

3) Dolphins, Whales. Etc: Wait a minute - I thought they said dolphins weren’t really all that bright?? Shouldn’t mice or goldfish be number three?? Does this researcher read his own notes?

4) Pigs: Well, Babe could sure talk up a storm, so I suppose I’d have to agree with this one as well…

5) Octopuses: I may not be an actual “scientist”, but shouldn’t that be “octopi”? Frankly, I prefer my octopuses not so much bright, but more breaded and deep-fried.

6) Crows, Ravens, Magpies, etc.: Whenever I have to eat crow, I always feel much smarter myself…and let me tell you, I can eat a LOT of crow.

7) Dogs: My wife recently enrolled me in a dog obedience school, so I’ll update you after a few lessons. Already I feel that my begging skills are sharpening considerably…

8) Cats: We used to have a pair of cats that were world-class gymnasts. That takes some brains, and on more than one occasion, they outwitted me while playing with a ball of yarn. There may be some truth to this ranking.

9) Elephants: This one surprised me. I know they’ve got good memories, but being so sluggish, I guess they must keep a lot of that brain power pent up for something. Imagine seeing a couple of those beasts working in IT positions for your computer problems! “Jumbo Solutions, please hold.

10) Parrots: Parrots have occasionally frightened me a bit. I used to keep crackers handy, just in case I ever ran into one of those talking show-offs. If you can mimic humans, you’d have to be smarter than a pig?? So how did they end up at Number Ten?

There you have it – the apparent list of creatures ranked by superiority of intellect.Which makes me question my own, having decided to turn that list into a column.

But it could have been worse. I could have imagined the start of a joke – “a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish walk into a bar…”

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dear Soda Cracker Manufacturer,

Good morning, and thank you in advance for listening to my concerns. Which it turns out, are manifold.

While I have enjoyed your product immensely for several decades now, the inconsistency of your product has prompted this action, in the hopes (however dim) that bringing these concerns to your attention will generate some inward reflection, at the very least.

First off, how is it even possible to overcook soda crackers – so much so that they look like they have grown tree bark? Soda crackers are typically expected in lighter shades, NOT sporting George Clooney’s tan. If No-Name Brand manufacturers can remember this rudimentary technique, wouldn’t it be reasonable to expect a major manufacturer to do the same?

Second, is there any way to possible correct the setting of your machinery – the one in particular that packages each individual cell of crackers? Not much of an adjustment, mind you – just enough to prevent 90% of the product from arriving pre-crushed. Handy as that is for enjoying your product with soup, a meal of cheese and crackers gets a bit more complicated.

I could go on, but that should be enough to at least open a file, and perhaps prompt some internal investigation. I look forward to your response.


That Dan Guy

(Chow for now…)

Monday, August 09, 2010

Timely Look Back…

Hey, how about this handy little online find? I came across an old column of mine from The Calgary Herald that’s quite timely, as we currently watch the summer gasoline pump price increases.


Chow for now!!

Sunday, August 08, 2010

(Oh brother - 1640 posts to date...adds up to 11...)

Toast. Dry cereal. Stale cinnamon buns – what a boring group of breakfast choices!

How about:

Scrambled ostrich eggs, with liberal sprinkles of braised raccoon meat.

Freshly kneaded caviar cornbread.

Antelope biscuits.

Any sort of fruit medley that doesn’t sway either way in the “too tart” or “too sweet” spectrum. And doused by spilled goblets of brown sugar.

Bacon from a warthog. The animal, not students from the Harry Potter school…

Chitlins – I have no idea what those are, but they sure sound exotic…

Hmmm…now I’m even hungrier than before I had to MAKE a decision…better grab a muffin…

Chow for now!

Saturday, August 07, 2010

Chicken Scratch

(posted for no apparent reason by a rebellious, cantankerous, somewhat delusional rubber chicken, every weekend…)



Hey, remember that ole Budwizer commercial? Wutta trip! My favourite wuz tha frogs, but tha footsball players were pretty funny too.

What the cluck does that hafta do with me sittin’ beside this Labatt’s hat?

Who cluckin’ knows??


This does remind of sum great country songs tho – like “Pretty Good At Drinkin’ Beer”. I can relate ta that! Budwizer, Labatt’s, Hangover Rover – they’re all pretty cluckin’ good as fur as I’m concerned.

Whoops! I said fur…


An me barely even sportin’ any feathers!!

Wut the cluck???

Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey…

Rotatin’ rooster on a roto-rooter! I can’t get these country songs outta my head!! I think I must be part cowpoke!!


Too much beer an pickup trucks!

Too much beer period………………..

I gotta lay my ole crown down…

Cluck fer now!!

Friday, August 06, 2010


The interview with the cast of “Two Pianos Four Hands” that I posted a couple of weeks ago on Libsyn/iTunes is getting loads of downloads. In a short while of availability, it’s already almost caught up to the interviews with Joyce Dewitt, and “8 Simple Rules” author W. Bruce Cameron.


Bruce Cameron, by the way has a new book out that’s going pretty viral itself. “A Dog’s Purpose” is an amazing read, written from the perspective of the dog, and I’ll be posting links to reviews I get published soon.

Coming soon, more goodies! Keep your aluminum foil alien-emitted microwave protector hats firmly on your heads, and keep checking back!

Chow for now!

Thursday, August 05, 2010

We have a family (or a clan) of coyotes that gets to howling late at night in our neighbourhood. Sometimes it’s due to the trains that roll through the area, and sometimes I think they howl because of that nutty Vince on late-nite infomercials. If he ain’t floggin’ Sham-Wows, he’s pluggin’ Slap Chop, or Bat Mop, or Crap Drop. Somewhere, 1980’s Madonna is still looking for her telephony over-the-ear microphone set, and one night at 3 AM she’ll spot Vince wearing it.

I don’t think she’s gonna love his nuts.

Sure, this all sounds a little bit inappropriate, but…oh, that’s too funny – there’s the blasted Slap Chop commercial again!! Good grief – martini, Houdini, Zucchini – only on TV!!

Say, how come MY order hasn’t arrived yet, now that I think about it…

Didn’t this whole ramble start off with coyotes? I think I may have ADD…

Chow for now!

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

I guess my blog has “arrived”. After 4 years of daily postings, I finally got my first spammer onboard the other day. Imagine my delight!

I hope I don’t have to start playing around with requiring moderation before posts from readers can go up on the blog – it’s nice to just let everything go on cruise control. As you may be able to tell if you’re a regular reader here, I’ve always believed that less is more. Kind of like the requisite talent for all the current “celebs” that grace all the newsmagazine shows these days.

What exactly is a Kardashian anyway???

Anyhow, I’m hoping this is an isolated incident, and that this clown moves along to some other poor sap with his jerseys, or whatever he hopes to have readers click on only to have thier computers infested with viruses, worms, and decaffeinated coffee.

Leave this space alone Cyber-Spammer, so that rubber chickens can share their innermost thoughts with the world, and I can continue to plead my case for a world where Celine Dion releases new singles every day of the week.

Nirvana, dude…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

"Twinkle Twinkle, Little Star,

How I Wonder Where You Are…"

(Hey! Jack-ass!! I’m up here in the sky! Where the hell did you think I’d be???)


Rather touchy for a constellation, wouldn’t you say?

Chow for now…

Monday, August 02, 2010

Do you ever find yourself wondering if someone really IS a hoot and a holler?

And can you really be both?

Maybe. I suppose you could holler while you’re hooting, or hoot while you’re hollering.

But how does that explain someone that is considered to be both, at the same time?

I imagine I’ve been a hoot on an occasion or two. I have hollered, once I think I even yodeled.

This is getting off track a bit, but once I did spurt Orange Crush through my nose. That could have been a hoot and a holler moment…

So much to contemplate…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, August 01, 2010

Tried putting together a homemade milkshake today…it certainly didn’t resemble anything I’ve ever picked up at a fast food restaurant drive-thru window.

First, I poured milk into a tall glass – seemed like a logical first step. Then, I started to shake it.

Took some degree of time as well as liberal amounts of paper towels to clean up the milk that spewed everywhere, whilst the shaking was underway. Tried a second time, but for this bout I held my hand over the glass.

Despite shaking my glass vigorously, the milk just seemed to stay thin in composition.

This is not what you’d consider a successful trip to the kitchen. I better visit a recipe book…

Chow for now!!