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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

If Fuzzy Wuzzy had been a bear, I imagine he must have had a pretty rough go of it in school. He would have had to toughen up to handle all the teasing, and that might have just been from the teachers!

I imagine he may have had to get a tattoo, and let his hair grow long like a biker to be taken seriously: "Yeah, my name's Fuzzy Wuzzy - wanna make something of it??"

Chances are he may have had to learn how to street fight to survive, maybe even using dirty techniques, like brass knuckles or a brass monkey. Carrying that name around during his crucial development years must have been a real pain in the brass...

Of course, he could also have just lived non-judgmentally in the woods, never once even knowing how cruel his name might have been had he grown up in the human world. Lucky Fuzzy Wuzzy, in that case.

The End

Chow for now!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

I know that I'm not supposed to shower with a plugged-in toaster.

I know that I'm gonna get bit, if I play with a snake.

I know that whatever goes up, must come down, even if it's filled with helium and filmed by Disney.

I know that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, especially if he's a vampire and you lace it with garlic.

I know that s@#* runs downhill, except maybe in space.

I know that weevils wobble, but they won't fall down. Or maybe it's weebles, and I have no idea what those are...

What I DIDN'T know, was that a f#*!ing potato peeler also could be pretty good at peeling fingertips off..

Class dismissed...

Chow for now!

Sunday, January 29, 2012


Dang-blasted tehnology!!

I just cannot seem to get this blog to load to Facebook. Everything I try (short of posting a link, which works, but isn't the same) fails. Or sure, occasionally a random post appears like it did a few days ago, but the automatic process I utilize works as well as a wet soda cracker would as a coaster.

Why, Computer Gods, Why?? Why must you torment and betray me at every turn???


Chow for now.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Chicken Scratch

(The Weekly Daring Adventures of An Adventurous Adventuring Chicken Named Charles!)



Are you SURE this is tha only way to check ma blood pressure??



Cluck. Fer Now.

I Hope....

Friday, January 27, 2012


We took a gamble on a new TV show that ran a couple of days ago - the latest project starring Kiefer Sutherland - “Touch”. I’ll be honest, the description drew me in, involving a boy obsessed with numbers. As we apparently are (still surrounded by 11’s).

Well, snap my peas and call me Shirley - what a show! Compelling, dramatic, can’t-even-breath-during-some-scenes...probably the best new show we’ve seen. 

I know, I know - it’s not “The Bachelor”, or “Who’s Gonna Marry Chester For A Month”, or “12 Bimbos In Heat” (whatever these painful but popular “reality” shows are called), but we tend to lean towards programs that have real writers, real actors, and aim for viewers with IQ’s over 4. I’m going to leave it at that - to each their own, something for everybody, whatever floats your boat. But really...

So, this was just a teaser episode, but it sure served its purpose. We can’t wait for the debut, and will follow as long as they maintain that initial level of excellence. 

Hey, did you know that “reality” programs have writers, producers and directors? And that not everything you see is real nor even remotely close to spontaneous?

Sorry, I promised to leave it alone...  

Anyway - “Touch” - two opposable thumbs up, which might be what separates us from reality TV fans...


Chow for now!!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #015

Van Halen

Van Halen is back on the road, and they’re dragging David Lee Roth along again! I previewed their new single “Tattoo” on i-Tunes, and I just have to say – has anyone in the band ever looked at a calendar? It’s 2012, NOT 1981….

Well, good luck with that effort. We won’t catch them on this go-round, having seen them blow the roof off of Calgary’s Saddledome back in 2006. Excellent show:

Please, ask permission if you plan on using this photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

One year ago today....

It is probably no coincidence that on the one-year anniversary of my sister-in-law's passing, I have signed off on an offer letter to accept a role with the Canadian Diabetes Association here in Calgary. Among many other things we shared (a love of Apple, a love for her sister), one unfortunate link was that we both had diabetes.

She lived as full a life as she could despite that, and I've posted here many times about the accolades she has received over the last year, but this will be pretty cool, giving back to help fight a disease that affects so many people, including quite a few in both sides of my own family.

New year, new directions....

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Dear Provocative Twitter Followers,

Thank you so much for taking the time to connect with me online. While I certainly appreciate the eye-popping offers and sultry photos that indicate you might be Angelina Jolie's substantially more voluptuous cousin, I must sadly decline clicking on your offshore link, which I imagine is actually a fatal computer virus, or Trojan intended to collect my identity.

Even if I were dim-witted enough to click on your link, the joke would be on you. I have been praying for an end to my Windows Vista nightmare for several years now, and a comprehensive virus might just accomplish that. Truth be told though, I can't rely on that logic, as Vista defies any and all logic when it comes to a computer operating system.

As for a phishing attack, a quick overview of my personal finances would likely elicit more sympathy than success, perhaps encouraging even the most heartless of online pirates to leave what few paltry amounts of "wealth" alone in my online accounts - or worse yet, fuel a desire to spearhead a fundraising effort on my behalf.

I know you think you are fooling me with those half-naked photos of young vixens as your screen shot identity - but this isn't my first rodeo. I know that (especially based on your own Tweets) you are more than likely a middle-aged male in some faraway land, with barely even a hint of how words string together in English.

Best of luck, kind sir. May you eventually find Interpol banging down your door, or spend countless days bent over in agony, as actual Spam refuses to pass gently through your intestines.

Your North American Pal,


Chow for now...

Monday, January 23, 2012

Less Than Kind

Well, this is one TV show (Canadian! I kid you not!!) Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are arriving to just a little late. We're not even sure how we heard about it - but it had something to do with either the passing of star Maury Chaykin, or discovering that it was set in Winnipeg.

Winnipeg!! Our hometown!! City of our birth and raisin'!!!

Well, as soon as I heard that little nugget, I set the PVR to catch the two episodes that aired last night (three if you include the short vignette in tribute to the aforementioned Chaykin). I remember wondering out loud "maybe Stephen Eric McIntyre will show up in an episode" (out loud, it didn't sound like that crazy of a possibility...).

Well, sure enough - within minutes of the first episode, there rolls up Stephen Eric McIntyre. But more than that - the show is terrific, and doesn't seem to be suffering from the loss of such a legendary talent in the family patriarch. We were cracking up, and getting engaged in the story lines, despite having missed probably a season or two. Hell, we'll catch up, via our new and more friendly TV, internet and phone provider (very, very soon).

The episode where the line "save yourself!" was blurted out during driving instructions I think will become as legendary as any mainstream network TV show. You'll find this one on HBO Canada:

Can't wait for next week!

Chow for now.....

Sunday, January 22, 2012

“And now, the blog is here
And so I raise, my nasal Burtons.
My friends, my soup is clear,
I’ll state my State, which is not Virginia
I’ve lived, alongside much bull,
My life is cursed, when crossed with binary
So pour, pour me more, malt whiskey....”
Thank You! 
Here all week folks!
Try the veal!!
Chow for now...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by weekend guest pest...umm..I mean guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

"Can we talk??''


First off, how wuz I supposed ta know that yew only had them last three chocolate chip cookies left??

Second, I wuz pretty sure I DID shut off tha lites on tha car, even if it wuz outside in -30 degree tempuratshures...


An finally - I may have accidentally recorded over yer episode uv Golden Girls, but fer tha luvva Pete - buy the cluckin' DVD, then ya gots the whole pluckin'  season ta enjoy!!


Fer real  dude, we kin get pass all this - say, could ya loosen yer grip on the claws??


Sheesh - I don't mind a steambath, but NOT with vegetables swimming in it...

SOOOOO...wattaya say pal?? Bury the hatchet??

Hey, wattaya doin' with a hatchet anyhow??


Cluck. Fer Now... I hope...

Friday, January 20, 2012

Sitting beside an old woman this morning....
Hey, the cold snap that has gripped Calgary for the last week is finally dissipating! It’s not quite balmy yet, but temperatures will rise throughout the day and overnight, until they are in the + range. Above zero!! How un-Canadian is that??

Controversial (ie: funny) comic Gilbert Gottfried is here in town for a couple of shows. We saw him many years ago in Winnipeg - I’ve never seen Mrs. That Dan Guy laugh so hard - I thought she was going to exfoliate. Man, he is hilarious. He did the weather on a morning news show yesterday, and had me cracking up. Of course, it is cold and dry here, so that could have played a role as well...

Finally, I must report that MTDG is sadly addicted. Hooked. She’s got a monkey on her back. Damn i-Pod...Cursed Hell’s Kitchen app...

Chow for now.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Rather than get all giddy today about a very near future where our household enjoys using a Telusphone, or spends lazy evenings watching Telusvision, I would like to reflect on winning strategies for a simpler technology - playing cards. More specifically, Solitaire.

Sure, you can certainly opt now to play Solitaire on your computer or Telusphone (home or cellular...can’t say that about some other technology companies!), but I’m talking specifically about using an old-fashioned deck of cards. So that you can cheat.

The problem with computers is that it is a little more difficult for the human user to cheat, while the computer program itself is often guilty of cheating like a gigolo at a Palm Springs Sexaholics Anonymous convention. Seriously, how can you possibly lose 29 straight games of Solitaire if the computer program itself isn’t pre-determining the outcome??

With a deck of cards, you can easily peek at the cards in the deck, to ensure the combinations you will need to win. Every time! Stuck making a row? Whoops! How did that card become available?? I WIN!!!

OK, so these aren’t so much strategies as they are a confession, but still - after losing 29 straight games on my computer, either the program or the computer itself is going to meet an untimely end. Just sayin’. 

Oh, and kids - ask your parents what playing cards are. They have to be seen in real life to be appreciated...

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Friggin' Cable Co...

Soon, our Internet, tv, and phone future will be friendly. Unlike now...
Chow. For now...

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Just have to gripe a little - I am trying to get my social media linked again, but there is continued resistance somewhere along the chain.

My Tweets are certainly linking properly to Facebook, but my blogs refuse to. I've disconnected them, and then reinstalled them, and they appeared a couple of days ago, but not again since. I'm really not sure why this stuff is out to get me, but it is getting tiring.

Oh well, not like it's going to earn me a Nobel Prize or anything...

I also seem to be repeatedly pestered by scam "followers" on Twitter - essentially sex-starved vixens wanting to hook up. This isn't my first rodeo with scammers, so there is no way I'm clicking on links which are likely the inexplicable followers in my Google Analytics from Petro-Scarubia, or Sigh-Beria that are neither sex-starved, vixens, or followers.

With the billions of dollars that cable companies earn providing these scam artists with a living, they should be held to task to police the internet to ensure the safety of responsible users.

Again, billions of dollars. How about a small investment back.

'Nuff said.

Chow for now!!

Monday, January 16, 2012

Doris Day, it is colder than a Klondike Bar here in Calgary today!!
It’s so cold, Winnipeg is starting to look like a tropical destination by comparison.
It’s so cold, I saw a group of bears checking into a Holiday Inn Express...
It’s so cold, when I tried to put my hands into my armpits to warm them up, the pits called 9-11...
Of course, this is really just our average January temperatures, much like Hell features Sauna Nights throughout the year. But it doesn’t take anything away from HOW FREAKIN’ COLD IT IS!!!!!!!!
And I’m indoors, for Pete’s sake. Frostbite Pete...
Sheesh - some Canadian! I’m whining like I wasn’t hardened by decades of exposure to this annual ritual. Exposure being the operative word. 
Well, all I can do is crank up the furnace, and wait it out. August is just a few short months away. Aloha!!
Chow for now...

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Regis Philbin, it is cooooold outside today!
We have finally entered what we commonly “enjoy” as typical winter weather conditions here in Canada - sub-zero temperatures, snow, and frozen beaver carcasses littering the forest pathways. 
So, we will NOT be venturing outside today. We will hole up in our humble abode, crank up the furnace, and amuse ourselves with our portable electronic devices. Until Monday, when we will be forced to go outside. Howling all the while, like the arctic winds blowing over the prairies right now.
Funny, after decades of living with cold temperatures, you’d think we’d be acclimatized by now.
No. Not by a freakin‘ long shot. I’d rather be acclimatized to a Pina Colada whilst swaying in a hammock by a tropical lagoon. Not acclimatized to a heating pad, while weeping in long underwear, by a frozen harpoon.
Don’t ask...
Chow for now!!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

I always thought that telly-vision cimmercial wear tha birds flew inta a glass patio door was a little nutty...

Who knew??


Damn glass kleener...

Cluck fer now...

Friday, January 13, 2012

Found out by accident a couple of days ago that the old supplement for which I used to write a weekly humour column for has folded. It was part of the Kelowna Daily Courier family of newspapers.
Too bad, because I used to come across old online versions of my column out there in the interworld. So, any links I’ve posted are now dead, dead, dead. 
Wonder what happened? They ran three days a week, and seemed to have a good thing going. Although, towards the end, when they axed my column, it had become an ad wrap without all the great features. 
Maybe that had something to do with it....
RIP, eVent Magazine - you were great while you lasted...
Chow for now!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I always tend to say that I’m sweating like a yak, and yet how do I know how much a yak sweats? They are covered in fur, and tend to live in extremely warm environments, so one would have to presume they sweat a lot. You’d actually think they (yaks) might have the presence of mind to emigrate, maybe to somewhere like Iceland, but I guess if you live in a hot climate, why would you go somewhere cold WILLINGLY? Unless you were Canadian?

I think I will cut those poor yaks a break. If they want to be all sweaty and flea-infested, that is their choice after all. Maybe boat travel to a colder climate is cost prohibitive? Maybe they can’t find work elsewhere? Maybe they do live in cold climates, and my knowledge of yaks leaves much to be desired??

Well, enough yakking for one day (nyuk nyuk nyuk!)...

Chow for now.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hey – January 11 (1-11)!

Two things for sure this year – I need to get my “actual” website back up and running, and I need to do these posts earlier than noon. Like Celine says, “near, far, wherever you are”, people like to read stuff early. It is universal.

Or, like Barry Manilow croons, “Daybreak”. I have no earthly idea if that even makes sense in the context of this discussion, but having Celine and Barry appear in the same post just seemed like serendipity.

So, that is my Pledge, as opposed to Endust – I will get my main website back up by hook or by crook, and I will post these…well, whatever you care to call them earlier.

No no – thank YOU!!

Chow for now.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #014

Calgary Zoo, 2006

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have spent many a lazy day exploring at the Calgary Zoo since moving here – especially when family is in from out of town. Everyone seems to want to visit the zoo!

Here, we are in the Hippo Enclosure, as I call it. Even though the hippos share this space with giraffes, and other hard-to-place critters…like spiders and houseflies.

What magnificent beasts! They are clearly enormous, and obviously enjoy shallow bodies of water.

Despite that popular holiday song, neither I nor Mrs. That Dan Guy would like one for Christmas. We prefer fine cuts of meat, or jewellery.

Please, ask permission if you plan on using this photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

Monday, January 09, 2012

A little dissertation on focus groups, along with a commentary on the original Winnipeg Jets (my hometown NHL hockey team):

Hey, I think I just figured out how to make my hyper-links work!! Bonus...

Chow for now.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

I think I'm getting closer to vacating my Windows world, in favour of a (albeit smaller) Mac environment. This MacBook has a really small hard drive, but there are ways to get around that.

There have been some compromises, in preparing to make this switch. For one, I will have to quit banging my head on my desk each time Windows Vista re-creates conventional computing - like reloading DURING mid-operation...

For another - I'm posting this using Google Chrome, which is considerably more reliable than Safari, although not nearly as cool. I've also picked up a proper cooling mat - the old one had no connection cable, so the only cooling it offered the laptop was when I picked it up and blew on it. Having a real cooling mat is amazing. Both my computer AND my vegetables are considerably more comfortable!

That's a Toby Keith reference, in case you're scratching your head...

Chow for now!

Saturday, January 07, 2012

Chicken Scratch

(posted by...uhhh....oh boy...)


Don' think i shoulda swallowed that Slinky....


I think I'm gonna hurl.....

Cluck fer now.....

Friday, January 06, 2012

I had an actual topic in mind for today’s post when I got up this morning, but I became distracted, and now cannot remember it for the life of me. 
So, just like when the writers on Jeopardy go blank, I hereby present: “Potpourri”...
  • The deer are back in abundance in Nose Hill Park - easily spotted as you drive along John Laurie Blvd. There were several clusters this morning, and a couple of them clearly had Grande cups with steam rising...I think I saw one smoking...
  • I just realized that at the bottom of my Pages document (Mac software), there is a word count feature. 106. 107. 108....stop that!!
  • I whistle when I work - but then again, I am a bird caller...
  • Just thought you should know - my nose is runny. Not like a cooked egg runny, but still pretty runny...
  • Whoa! Why would anyone even bother to lick a 9-Volt battery?? Whoa!! Why would anyone even bother to lick another 9-Volt battery?? Whoa!!!
  • Are you wondering if the topic I had earlier, then forgot might be better than what you’ve been reading so far?? Me too...
  • Is “Potpourri” French for “a pot for Ri”??
  • Is “Potpourri” bad English for “pot pour Ri”??
  • Is “Porr Rorr EE” the sort of thing you would mumble after too many rum eggnogs??
  • Is It time to wrap this up for today??
Chow for now.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Human nature is such a funny thing to observe.

This morning, I was running into a building on my way home from dropping Mrs. That Dan Guy off at her new job (woot woot!!). Behind me, a couple of young ladies were also headed towards the entrance. The closest of the two was still quite a ways behind me, but I lingered long enough to hold the door for her, which elicited a warm smile, and a sincere "thanks".

At which point she raced past me, not at all interested in holding the door for the other lady, who was essentially right behind the first one (now long ahead of both of us) by that time.

Me Me Me. It is quite an interesting generation poised to take over....

Chow for now, Old Fart Grumbling....

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Happy Fourth of January!
Why aren’t there any fireworks? Or hot dogs?? Or robots doing the Can Can?? Is this not a special holiday??
I must consult the oracle.....
Or a calendar. 

Hey, I went for a whack of blood tests today! Relax, nothing nefarious. New doctor, and a bunch of standard diabetic blood tests. I expect though that this will not be a Ho Ho Honky-Dory A1C period, what with the holidays and all. 
I know what you’re thinking. “But Dan, an A1C blood test test glucose levels in your system for an average of the past 120 days. There only maybe two weeks MAX of holidays at this time of year.
Yeah, well...bugger off Poindexter - what are you, a laboratory cop? If I say it may be bad because of the holidays, it is within my right to include Halloween in that period.
My months of attrition and good behaviour lie ahead..........
Chow for now!

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

I would give my entire kingdom for a Kit-Kat bar. Don’t tell Kit-Kat, but the kingdom is..uhh...a little light in the value department. It may in fact be worth almost as much as a chocolate bar, but it could also fall al little short.
As kingdom’s go, we had to let the jester go early last year, and we drained the moat for drinking water in July. Our crown jewels are crumpled left-over aluminum foil from reheating KFC. My scepter has done double duty as a spider stabber, and a plunger.
As kingdom’s go, if we had to offer a dowry for our princess’s hand in marriage, it would involve taking over our subscription to Reader’s Digest, and some gum we bought in bulk as Costco. Our stables would be better described as “Broom Closet”.
Hey! Kit-Kat!! Where does thou goest?? Come thee back!!!
Chow for now.

Monday, January 02, 2012

Upon reflection, 2011 really was our year of harvest, even if it was modest in some cases, and late in others.

Mrs. That Dan Guy is just days away from starting an exciting new career, which allowed her to leave two full time jobs (keeping me in the lifestyle to which I had grown accustomed is rather expensive...).

I had my best year in writing since my book was released way back in 2003 - feature articles, a successful humour-writing course, a re-Tweet from a comedy legend - and much more.

And, an abundance of wealth with time spent among friends and family - which we will really be able to enjoy with MTDG's new (normal) schedule.

If this is the springboard for 2012, I think we are well on our way towards getting back on our feet.

Chow for now!!

Sunday, January 01, 2012

A new year begins - on the heels of the last year which really threw us never-ending curve balls laden with crap. It ended well though, so we hope that this marks the trend for 2012!

We also wonder if we will see those 11’s everywhere like we did in 2011, especially frequent as the year faded away, and our luck turned for the better.

We shall see...

For now, I just need to prepare the first breakfast of 2012 - now that Mrs. That Dan Guy is home on a weekend to enjoy it!

Chow for now....