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Thursday, April 30, 2009

Here it is, the last day of April, and you probably find yourself wondering right about now: “when is That Dan Guy going to whine about how fast the month went by?”

Wait for it:

Man, where did April go? I had plans – big pans! (Ha! Typo again – maybe I SHOULD have had big pans…).

Anyhow, there’s nothing you can do, right? Time marches on, like sand through the hourglass – or something like that. Time speeds by, like a roadrunner on goofballs.

Time keeps tickin’ tickin’ tickin’, into the future.

Clearly, I must adopt some sort of time management program. The only problem is, nowadays a writer has to do so many extraneous things that chew up and swallow most of their spare time. I write, I blog, I Facebook, I Spy – but have yet to Twitter, Totter, or Tumble. I wish I DIDN’T have to do all that stuff, because I can barely find time to wind my watch every day, but such is the world we live in now, where technology demands you dance to the music. Or maybe that was Sly & The Family Stone…

Whatever – my point is that my typing fingers get awfully sore, from a host of related endeavours.

Such is (the) life of a creative soul…

Hey, I managed to fill another empty blog space with something!!

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

I continue to clean up my online act…

After discovering by accident last week that my blog-site has been ranking high on a number of different web searches, I have started to try and pay attention to the presence I have online.

Hence, the recent update (and now ongoing effort) to keep my Facebook page up to date, or at least visit it more than once a year. Before the last week or so, I only checked in on Facebook about every three or four months or so – which proved disastrous! Yahoo cleaned out an e-mail account I had set up specifically for that account. I suppose in retrospect I could have loaded access to that account on my home computer, but hey, I still struggle with figuring out how to play Solitaire – so one baby step at a time…

The worst part was giving up my profile picture. I had originally been canoodled into joining Facebook to communicate with family members, many of which are on the site. However, in recent months that has grown to include writing colleagues, and even folks that I don’t really know all that well (Happy Wednesday, Kutimba in Nigeria – say, when is that $25,000,000 US dollars going to be deposited into my bank account, for you to access your late father’s fortune??).

I digress – the profile picture was intended to whimsically portray Mrs. That Dan Guy and I, via a couple of the poultry members (of which there are many, let me tell you) of this household. There’s still one bird left in the shot, but now I’m actually in the picture as well.


It sucks sometimes, having to be a grown-up…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Am I the only person that spends time wondering about “what ever happened to my favourite old cartoon characters”?

I know many are still on air in reruns thanks to specialty network channels, but what sort of work can these characters get, after their show gets the hook?

Are Tweety and Sylvester touring the world, turning up at animation festivals, pretending to still be major adversaries from the confines of their wheelchairs? How old must they be by now? I mean, Bea Arthur was in her 80’s when she left this mortal coil recently, and that old canary and cat team has been around since I was a kid. Do the math – they could be in their hundreds…

Wait a minute! That’s makes it sound like I’m older than a pirate’s doubloon! I just meant to say that I recall those delightful characters from my childhood, so it SEEMED like they have been around forever.

Sheesh…keep putting your foot in, geezer…

This is what happens when your team gets unceremoniously dumped in the first round of the playoffs. Your mind goes wonky, and your thoughts dribble out without any sort of coherence. Pretty soon, I’ll be trying to cook spaghetti in the toaster – my rudder has forsaken me.

Holy Torpedo – does any of this make any sense this morning, or is it just me? maybe I should have woke one of those chickens up?

Let’s just call it a day, while I still have a fraction of my credibility left…

Chow for now!!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Man, our concert calendar has just dried up this year!

A year or so ago, it felt like we were going to see some sort of show every couple of weeks. Now, I think we’ve only been to one concert all year (so far) – at least here in Calgary. We did sneak off a couple of times to some place hidden away in the Nevada desert, to supplement the skinny offerings we’re stuck with at home though - so we’ve managed to survive.

I guess I should say that there have still been shows coming through the city – but mostly they haven’t interested us (hard to believe, I know), or we’ve already seen the acts. And, we do have a few shows upcoming, so hopefully as the year unfolds we can correct this sad state of affairs.

Last night we missed two – both The Killers and Leonard Cohen were in town (separate venues – THAT would have been an odd combination), but we missed out on those shows. Sounds like they both hit home runs, or to use “hockey talk” – they shot, they scored!!!!

Until such time that we get back into the stride of concert-going, Mrs. That Dan Guy will just have to be content with the awesome vocal acrobatics that I perform regularly whilst showering. Sure, I may not be Il Divo or even El Diablo, but I know a lyric or two that I can project through a shower curtain…

Some enchanted ev-en-ing….”

Chow for now!!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

A few days ago (maybe longer – I do forget quickly) I posted a comment here about how my blog has been coming up in different searches. I had downloaded Google analytics tools, and discovered by accident yesterday how to use them.

I had found out that searches for something like Billy Bob Thornton were bringing this blog site of mine up online. I had no idea…

As of yesterday, if you had typed “Billy Bob Thornton Box Cutters” into a Google search, the Such Is Life site was the #2 search result – above and beyond even the major media websites – and that’s for a blog posting review that’s almost two years old!!

My site briefly rose to the #1 position, but is now down to #3 – but my statistics also show that many web-surfers that ended up on my hare-brained concert review ALSO clicked through to other postings, and spent some time snooping around.

A different post about the terrific Angie Tempura character from SNL’s “Weekend Update” was sitting at position #3 AND #4 (but now has drifted down to #17 or so).

So, after bleating repeatedly that nobody reads this online stuff – humbly I stand corrected.

This also means I have to start putting in some sort of actual effort with future postings.

However, if it happens to be celebrity names that draw the traffic, who am I to shoot the golden gift goose in the pinfeathers?








Let the games begin, Google Analyticals!!

Chow for now!!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Breaking News: Temporary Link!

The CBC NewsWorld program I was part of on a diabetes invention coming out of the University Of Calgary is online @:

The feature is at about the 46-48 minute mark, and this link will be gone in about 48 hours, give or take...

Chicken Scratch

Twas many nights before Christmas,

And all thru the house,

Not many poultry wuz stirrin’,

Not even to de-louse


Greetins’, humany peepels! Ole Charlie is havin’ a hard time findin’ peepel awake here this mornin’. I gotta earlier start than usual, and all the usual suspecs is still out cold.


Lemme tell ya, Cornelius looks about as bright as he’s ever gonna been, when he’s soun asleep. That bird is three pinfeathers short of a wreath!


Ugh…I think I need to havanother smoke – this early mornin’ air is too fresh for my refined tastes!


Hey, big hockey game tonight – speaking of feathered friends – us birds gotta stick tagether. We’re all rootin’ for the Blackhawks, unlike other hopeless dreamers in this here Such Is Life household. We know how ta play the smart-money odds – and support our fellow flappers!

Flames? More like dim embers…just like a certain human we see regularly around here…

Cluck for now!!

Friday, April 24, 2009

Everybody (they say) gets their 15 minutes of fame, and I have a few extended seconds that will be running across Canada today!

As a volunteer for the Canadian Diabetes Association ( ) for the past year or so, I’ve found myself occasionally fielding a few different press requests for interviews. You could almost say that I’m Calgary’s “official diabetic”.

Yesterday, I was interviewed by CBC NewsWorld (our national public broadcaster), for an interview that is supposed to run right across our fair country. My first brush with national exposure, and not to Arctic wind chills!

Of course, I am but a mere footnote to the real story they are covering – the invention of a new patch that will test blood glucose levels, and transmit those readings wirelessly to a meter or computer – a huge breakthrough for anyone familiar with the testing procedures currently accepted as the only accurate measure of those levels. I’ll give you a hint – one of the words is “lance”.


At any rate, if you’re in Canada, I understand the piece will run during the 4:30 PM (Mountain) broadcast. So, check your own CBC NewsWorld listings, and see if you can catch the husky balding dude sweating under the lights of a national TV camera. Watch as my voice rises in pitch, a telltale sign my nerves have gotten the best of me.

It ain’t no Susan Boyle on the You-Toob, but it could be fun to watch me pretend to know what I’m talking about…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, April 23, 2009

In my ongoing efforts to actually have something to say in these morning postings, I have started to make a few notes, which I leave beside the CrapMaster 2000. I now learn that “a few notes” may be a fine idea in theory, but if I leave no other notations to guide me, often I am left scratching my head whilst perusing said notes.

Case in point – the other night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I watched “The Assassination Of Jesse James”, with Brad Pitt and Younger Brother Affleck. This morning, having eliminated other such similar notes, I found myself left with “Jesse James, Pitt”. And therefore found myself wondering “Say What???”

Did I want to brag that the film was shot here in Alberta, just outside Calgary? Did I plan on making a commentary about how enjoyable it was, even though I believe it tanked at the box office??

Or, did I want to make a cheap and easy joke about how the title has “ass” twice in the first word? With just “Jesse James, Pitt”, I am left to wonder what the heck I had hoped to post about – and thinking on my feet is not one of the stronger points of this here space…

Oh well - I suppose it will come to me, much as something ELSE had better come to me soon – that was my last set of scribbled notes.

In other news, Flames/Hawks series now tied at two games apiece – hope flickers, pessimism is extinguished. Hockey in indeed a parable for life in general…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Oh boy…

I have completely dropped the ball on this Facebook thing. I recently went to check the e-mail account that I had originally set up to use for my Facebook site, and discovered that it had been closed down, due to my having not checked it in the last 4 months.

Which means I had lost all the e-mails in that account, and that any sent during that span of time to my Facebook site were being returned to sender.

So, if you have tried to reach me via my Facebook page, I apologize, and vow to try staying a bit more on top of THAT endeavour.

Sheesh – these days you have to have a website, a blog site, a twitter, a tatter, a tweet, a beet – when does a person get to find the time to actually WRITE?? A dude can only do so much, you know!

I think we have to change this blasted technology, and bring it all back under one kinder and gentler roof.

That, or I will abdicate every effort to Charlie and his motley crew…

Chow for now!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The curse has been lifted!!

We watched parts of the Flames/Blackhawks game last night – even going so far as to watch the entire final 10 minutes of the third period – AND THEY WON!!

Well, barely – the Hawks did get one goal in the third frame, plus rang a couple off of the post and the crossbar respectively, so it should have been a tie forcing sudden-death overtime – but who am I to quibble? I watched a game, and the Flames managed to bring home the bacon. Très bien, mes amis – très bien…


I think there’s some sort of conspiracy afoot with regards to soda crackers. Have I already talked about this? For years now, I have noticed that many boxes of soda crackers are either full of over-cooked (burnt) crackers, or that when you go to take out a soda cracker by itself, they crumble into pixie dust. Along with every other cracker in the package.

What, do gorillas play basketball with the packages before they are shipped to stores? Or are the pallets of soda crackers kept underneath concrete blocks before they are shipped to supermarkets? Not everyone crushes crackers to use them in soup – some people savour the delights of a freshly-buttered cracker as a snack – or on exotic days, a cracker coated in creamy peanut butter. Those options are difficult to perform if a soda cracker box has been pulverized somewhere between the factory and the grocery cart. Worse yet, pulverized and each cracker burned beyond recognition.

Sure, you may think I’m exaggerating, or even just acting a wee bit on the loopy side, but the next time you go past a box of soda crackers in the grocery store aisle, bring a box home, and check for yourself – I guarantee you’ll either find crushed crackers, or burnt crackers.

It just ain’t right…

Chow for now!!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Nuts – I couldn’t keep my eyes off of it…

Last night, I refused to tune in to the Vancouver/St. Louis game, but during commercial breaks of what we were watching instead, I snuck peeks – I shouldn’t have. The Canucks managed to come back and beat the Blues, giving them a three game to NOTHING lead in that series!!

There’s no way I can afford to doom the Flames, who play tonight, and are down two games to nothing in their own series.

Sometimes I wish I wasn’t Canadian by birth, and therefore SO invested in NHL hockey...


Hey, lately we’ve noticed that I’ve been recording a lot of music programs from network TV, to cable channels, and most of all – from public television! Go figure…

There’s a few really good series ongoing right now, with music legends and hot newcomers that we can’t keep our eyes off of.

First off, we started to watch “Live From Abbey Road”, a series on a specialty network here. The show is recorded in the legendary studio made famous by the Beatles (and others). The artists have been exceptional, covering a wide spectrum of musical tastes, which happens to be exactly our own preference.

That has been supplemented by “Legends & Lyrics”, a public television offering that pairs several legendary acts with newcomers, and gets into some coverage of the song-writing process. We’ve seen two episodes so far, and are already addicted – they must enhance the broadcasts with latent chocolate and hot dog imagery…

Finally – we can’t get enough of “Spectacle: With Elvis Costello”, who I’ve been a fan of since the 1970’s – when I was still years from being born. That show has been truly terrific since it started, and I sure hope there’s enough of a viewership to keep that one on the air, before Elvis has to start eliminating guests, or forcing artists to dance with pop culture TV show hosts. Lord knows there’s more than enough terrible programming out there – surely to Pete there has to still be a few viewers left that actually favour talent over fabricated drama…

But maybe that’s just our own opinion…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I’m afraid that my 2009 NHL Stanley Cup playoff viewing days are over – I continue to be the harbinger of doom to the teams I root for.

Living in Calgary, I am naturally rooting for the Flames. Yet, that support seems to be having the opposite effect. They are now down two games to zero in their series, with prospects not looking particularly favourable after dropping a two-goal lead last night. It will be in their own best interests if I quit watching their on-ice efforts.

Their division rivals, the Vancouver Canucks have leapt to a two game lead in their series, thanks to my rooting for the St. Louis Blues. I may just as well have laid ancient curses on the Blues’ players, the way they are getting stymied to date.

So clearly, if I hope to see the Flames advance past the first four games of the playoffs, I had better leave their efforts to viewers that don’t cast a dark shadow on their fortunes. Hey, that’s why I subscribe to a daily newspaper, isn’t it? I can always see the score the morning after…

On the plus side, if there’s anyone out there that absolutely despises a particular team vying for Lord Stanley’s cup, perhaps you can sway me to root for them. That will very likely ensure that their parachute develops gaping holes, and that they will subsequently tailspin down in an irreversible plummet to the cold hard earth of playoff despair.

For a small fee…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Chicken Scratch

What a cluckin’ travesty!!



Us chickens has been holdin’ this blog space up on our feathery shoulders for a coupla years now, and some chain-smokin’ musical actor is the reason people are findin’ it??? I can barely believe my eyeballs…


Billy Bob Thornton??? I could unnerstand if it wuz Zap Effron from those Dizzy High Skool Muziicals – but Billy Bob Thornton?? He’s almost a poultry hisself – wut’s he got that we don’t got??


Pleeze humans, I beg of you – right this terrribel injustice – make US CHICKENS the stars of this blog space!!

Call your politikel leeders – call your popes and tellyvision talk show hosts – call Oprah for cluck’s sake!! Give a chicken a fightin’ chance!!

This is it, human beans – this is all we got – us chickens need our day in the sun!


Hey, we can play musical instruments – if it’s music ya want, it’s music ye’ll get! Ya ain’t lived till ya heard poultry pucker up and sing!!


Please, help us out here – do your part to make the chickens the stars of this blogging wasteland…

Cluck. For Now…

Friday, April 17, 2009

Billy Bob Thornton Rocks (This Blog...)!!!

I will honestly admit to knowing entirely nothing about how this technology stuff works. Granted, this ignorance has led to some frustrating moments sitting in front of this computer screen. What doesn’t kill you, escalates your blood pressure to astronomical proportions.

However, the other day I decided to go out on a virtual limb, and try installing some tools for this here Blogger site of mine.

While trying to make heads or tails of some of those statistics the other day, I was somewhat surprised to see that one of the biggest hits I’ve been enjoying is from people searching for “Billy Bob Thornton”, who made a bit of a splash up here in Canada a week or so ago.

Thornton was on CBC Radio doing publicity for a show he was going to put on in Toronto (I think), and the host rubbed him the wrong way. Not literally, but he may as well have – Thornton went off, and the resulting audio/video footage went viral on the internet – hence my goofy review of his show here in Calgary in 2007 drawing some attention:

Too bad things went awry – Thornton is a dead-serious musician with his great sense of humour complementing his song-writing and performance. We had a blast at his show.

So, sorry Charlie and all you other mangy poultry people – it’s still humans that get the most attention in this particular blogging space…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Anyone out there watching “Spectacle - with Elvis Costello”? It’s kind of an interesting blend of talk and performance show with some true legends of the music world. So far, Mr. Costello has hosted, chatted, and jammed alongside Elton John and The Police in the two episodes we’ve seen so far. The commercials for upcoming shows appear to promise even better line-ups, although to be honest, I couldn’t tell if Celine Dion or Barry Manilow had been solicited as yet. Pity…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

I will admit here to being a fan of “Saturday Night Live” for about as long as I can remember – even during a few of those lean seasons a decade or so ago. Mrs. That Dan Guy – not so much, but she bravely troopers through for the odd thing that she does laugh at, or musical guest that piques her musical taste spectrum. To repay her loyalty, I sit through each weekly episode of “Brothers & Sisters” (yeesh…).

Lately, there’s been a recurring character that just kills us, on the Weekend Update fake news segment. She’s “celebrity blogger” Angie Tempura, from “”. I can say that word here because it is just the proper description of a female dog, and not anything naughty at all.


Ms. Tempura offers her opinions on various celebrities, and essentially fires misguided blanks each time. There’s not a star twinkling in the Hollywood skies that she can’t find complete disdain for, despite having no star status herself. Which is a pretty witty commentary on this whole blogger thing – an entirely free world of opinionated individuals (and groups) that perhaps may not always carry the credentials to be making the observations that they do – but if it’s written down somewhere, it has to be true!!

Lately I’ve started to visit a few online news feeds, and there’s an entire culture of wing-nuts...ummm…I mean “writers” that lurk out there, gleefully waiting in front of their dim computer screens, to offer their own unique brand of commentary on news stories of the day, news either titillating or mundane. And it would appear that even any glancing knowledge of the subject that they post on is (happily for them) not necessary.

First thing I will say is that, God help any of them if they’re ever forced to compete in a Grade Three spelling bee. Second – just because you have an internet connection, that doesn’t make you the Roger Ebert of the cyber-waves. What kills me about that Angie tempura SNL character is that the actress (whose name escapes me – forgive me, she’s a new cast member) absolutely nails the mentality (and I use THAT term loosely) of this new digital medium.

Hey, clearly just about any old weirdo can start cranking out drivel on this inner-net thing, and expect to be taken seriously. Am I right, or am I right??

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

So long, spring – we barely knew ya!

Reaching out my front door earlier to snag my morning paper, I was surprised to see snow falling once again. I know I shouldn’t be too surprised, as we have been told that it can snow during every month of the year here. But when your entire yard has finally melted down to the bare grass, it seems just a little cruel that Jack Frost can still find more white stuff to drop around the yard.

In related news, my lawn chair, coconut oil and neon orange Speedo are now reluctantly tucked away once again, back into the hall closet…

Hey, New Orleans seems to be getting a lot of attention again. Canadian TV renovation guru Mike Holmes has a new series on HGTV about his work down there with Brad Pittt’s “Make It Right” Foundation. We toured right by the site where those homes are being built when I was there last summer with the newspaper columnists group that I belong to.

We also recorded and sat down to reminisce with the four episodes of “Live With Regis & Kelly” that were filmed there last week – in one episode Regis visited three famous restaurants, two of which were included for us during our own stay. Seeing the sights again made us want to head right back – I just hope that all this renewed attention starts to get some positive activity started in some of those hard-hit areas of this historic and charming city.

Well, technically for us it’s Monday morning, after this long Easter holiday break. Mrs. That Dan Guy is finally starting to lose the buzz of those bourbon-laced Easter eggs, and I need to address four days of stubble. In other words, catch y’all on the flip side!

Chow for now!!

Monday, April 13, 2009

The (Holiday) Monday Morning (We’re Movin’ Kinda Slow Today) “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Review: Stage West Theatre’s “Boeing Boeing”, starring Peter Scolari.

(Or, Why I Will NEVER Be Asked To Be A Professional Reviewer…)

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I turned our backs on spending the entire day cooking Easter dinner in our kitchen, and opted to take in the latest Stage West production – “Boeing Boeing”. Assorted hams and turkeys humbly thanked us, and we thanked ourselves for making a prudent decision.

Boeing Boeing” is a lastingly popular French farce – a broad comedy of a bachelor juggling three different fiancées, his harried housekeeper, and the friend (Scolari) that stops in to help with the juggling chores. You know, it kind of sounds like my own life, pre-Mrs. That Dan Guy…

Of the many shows we’ve already seen at this theatre, this may have been our favourite in the non-musical variety. A tight cast that buoyed the storyline along, plenty of laughs, and the aforementioned Mr. Scolari (to quote from the ads: “from TV’s “Newhart” “Bosom Buddies”, and “Honey I Shrunk The Kids”. SIDEBAR NOTE: The photo I’ve used today is sort of lovingly pirated from Stage West’s website. We are humble folk, Stage West - unlikely to survive a copyright infringement lawsuit. We truly hope that this use today is pleasing, and NOT a reason to immediately call your solicitors...)

Mr. Scolari’s comedy chops added to the already ample proceedings last night. I almost wish it weren’t the last week of this production’s staging, so that you could hastily get into an airplane (a Boeing Boeing perhaps), and ensure that you catch this show. Such is our own sense of comic timing.

The crowd was a little thinner than we’re used to for last night’s performance, but it was a family holiday evening after all. Still, between the lovely dinner and the rewarding performance, we’re sure happy we didn’t stick around the house and slave over a hot oven for 12 hours. I tend to wilt in dry heat…

Hey, prior to attending the show, I had arranged to have an interview with Mr. Scolari afterwards, which he was gracious enough to allow. That interview will turn into a feature in one of my upcoming newspaper columns – assuming my recorder worked. I sort of quit taking notes after a while during our conversation. Jay Leno clearly I am not…

Hmmm. Did that sound like Yoda? Oh well, from our standpoint, and as long as we’re ripping off photos, why not pop culture references?? Two thumbs way up, for “Boeing Boeing”!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter, to anyone out there celebrating or observing this day.

Hey, speaking of Easter, I was quite surprised to take just a brief surf of The Google, and find literally pages and pages of recipes for roast rabbit. Wow – who knew? If Peter Cottontail comes hopping down YOUR bunny trail, and you haven’t picked up a ham or turkey for tonight, consider inviting the little feller in…

We’ve enjoyed a relaxing holiday weekend, here in the Such Is Life household. I don’t think we’ve even been outside since Thursday – although I do pop my head out every morning to grab my daily newspaper. The snow (and this year’s glacial ice field along our sidewalk) seems to be pretty much gone now – but seeing as how this is Canada, we can never truly retire our snow shovel for the year until mid-August.

Which reminds me - I really need to remember to pick up a new shovel for Mrs. That Dan Guy before next winter…

Speaking of MTDG, she’s in pretty good “spirits” this morning. When she woke up, she stumbled across some Easter eggs – some Easter eggs that a certain crazy chicken had laced with bourbon!! Right now she’s downstairs, singing show tunes, and chatting with an egg whisk.

The further away I stay, the safer I feel…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Chicken Scratch

Yo, humany peeples!!! Ole Charlie’s runnin’ a lil late today, cause he hadda fill some Easter eggs with bourbon – THAT oughta keep things quiet aroun’ here Sunday mornin’!!

Hey, today is the cluckin’ 11th! I betcha ole Banjo Boy must be freakin’ out somewhere here…


So, the other day we hadda bit of a false alarm around what some people refer to as the Such Is Life household. I was feelin’ a bit faint, and decided to have myself a laydown, right in the middla my tracks. Well, nutty Hen Rietta comes along, and thinks I has done gone and left this mortal coil – she drapes a sheet over me, and announces that she now owns my Xbox 360 – which lemme tell ya – jolted me right outta my stupor!!


Although, I kinda freaked out, because she had draped that pluckin’ sheet over me, and I couldn’t see nuttin’ – not even the enda my beak!!

She scattered pretty quickly once I started feelin’ my way around in the dark with a sheet over my head – what a chicken!!


Anyways, not to fear – ole Charlie is as robust as ever, and now I gotta go hide these cluckin’ Easter eggs.

Although, they do smell awful good…

Cluck for now!!

Friday, April 10, 2009

I must be hallucinating – I keep seeing people dressed up as huge Easter rabbits everywhere. That, or I need to cut back a bit on my allergy medication…

Has Passover always fallen on this weekend as well? I really need to get on top of all these special occasions and dates on the calendar – there may be a holiday day off that I can take!!

Hey, our record heat wave is slowly melting the Tuscany Ice Fields, which I was this close to arranging signage for – I thought there may be a revenue stream what with adventure tourism and all. Considering that I was the only home on the block to have glacial fields of ice form on the public sidewalk overnight (which we as homeowners are responsible for), I thought I could make a buck or two, and save the time and money on all the salt I was spreading ever morning to avoid lawsuits for some clown taking a spill. It could happen – there are clowns everywhere you look in the world!

Chow for now – and Happy Easter/Passover, whichever may apply to you and yours!

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Holy Torpedo! It’s already the 9th?? Where does the time go??

Wow – April is flying right on by, and I haven’t even started to think about one of the things that is about to confront me once again, once the snow and ice have finally departed for yet another Canadian winter– my passion for sailing.

You see folks, I have long harboured within my bosom the desire to be a sailor – to feel the salty brine of the sea splashing against my leathery cheek, whilst navigating by the light of the heavenly stars. I desire to feel the rise and fall of a worthy sea vessel, and to say ‘arrr” just because I can. I want to hoist my mainsail…

We’ve even taken sailing lessons in the past, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I. The course just called my name, even if it mispronounced it a little bit. Truth be told, I was a natural, like a seal to a ball. I aced the written portion, and once we were out on the water, I knew that I was fulfilling my destiny. Even if I did have to sit in a deck chair, and hang on for dear life. Who knew water could be so blasted volatile?

Nevertheless, our buoyant voyage didn’t diminish my dreams, and still I crave to clamber aboard a vessel of my own one day. With my faithful deckhand at my side. Nothing but open vistas before us.

It is to dream, and then to grasp. I would call my ship "Sea Biscuit".

It is a mariner’s life for me…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, April 08, 2009


There’s just not enough time in the day…

I need to clone myself, or at least outsource some of my day to one of those freeloading chicken members of this household. I just can’t seem to find enough time in the day.

First off, there’s breakfast. After arising bright and early every morning (often long before old sleepyhead Mrs. That Dan Guy), I have to make myself a nutritional breakfast. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep tropical fruit and freshly ground buckwheat fresh for a few days? Let me tell you – it’s hard!

Then, there’s the time I have to take getting ready every morning. Although I have about as much hair left on my head as an old tennis ball that’s seen plenty of work on a paved court, the consistency seems to be closer to steel wool than actual hair. Thus I must primp and tweak incessantly, to achieve what I like to call “the swoop of perfection” – a flawless parting that does not in any way convey a comb-over.

Once I am ready (and only when I am ready), I must drive MTDG to work, often a task not unlike herding cats through Wyoming. My God, she needs to stop for lattes, and other stuff that carves up my day. I need to consider buying a catapult…

Once I FINALLY return home, I barely have enough time to sit and watch the Showcase Showdown, vital for my duties as the primary grocery purchaser here. Although why a comedian like Drew Carey hosts such an informative program is beyond me…

Then, it’s pretty much lunchtime.

There’s just not enough time left in my day…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

What happy news!

A number of jurisdictions across British Columbia are contemplating by-law changes, which would allow people living in residential neighbourhoods to keep…chickens!! Kelowna for example (where we used to live for over a decade), is considering making changes to allow for up to four birds in a back yard, based on similar changes elsewhere in the province:

Needless to say, I am thrilled at this possibility! Now, not only can we fill the house with rubber chickens – we can fill the yard with real ones! Cock-a-doodle-doo!!

Imagine the fun it would be to have a few of those critters running around our patio furniture. Plus, we could have fresh eggs for breakfast every morning, and I could make a tidy sum in feather pillow sales when they moult every spring. This could be the big break I’ve been looking for!

If I could train them to fetch my morning paper, we could sell that useless old hound dog that just eat my slippers!

I know, it all seems a little bit far-fetched, but so did the possibility of mankind flying at one time – now look at us! Commercial jetliners frequently transport people to exotic destinations like…ummm…Las Vegas!

I say that if we could fill our backyard with chickens, no possible ill effect would come of it.

BRING ON THE CHICKENS!! (Cherchez les poulets!!)

Cluck (uh, I mean Chow) for now!!

Monday, April 06, 2009

I will admit – I do worry sometimes that perhaps I come off as a big of a wing-nut. I mean, let’s be serious here – among the other daily drivel, I write about coincidentally recurring numbers from a house filled with plush and/or rubber chickens – there has to be at least one reader out there that hides the computer screen when they surf over to this page on any given day…

However, like those recurring or consecutive numbers, the power of coincidence is strong here in the Such Is Life household. Just this past weekend, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were watching Saturday Night Live when I received a text message from one of my sisters – the one who is almost at the end of an extended trip to Africa. If you’re familiar with SNL, you’ll know of the famous Weekend Update segment, a weekly skit lampooning the news with a fake anchor sitting at a fake news anchor desk. It's not real.

Well, while I was exchanging e-mails back and forth with my sister, fake anchor Seth Myers sat in front of the big map of the world that resides behind the fake anchor desk – but this time around, virtually every shot was directly in front of…AFRICA!! How are these things even possible, I ask you??

And – I kid you not – at some point during our exchanges one of her text messages arrived at exactly 10:11:11 – that blasted 11:11 again!!

So, clearly I must learn to capitalize on this recurring, coincidental, power of suggestion thing. A higher power is clearly trying to get through to me.

So, for the rest of this morning, I am going to lie on our reclining sofa, and visualize myself holding a pair of Paul McCartney tickets.

Or maybe I should start with something much grander – I will visualize myself working at a Windows PC that actually works properly…

Chow for now!

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Man, did I ever drop the ball recently, with a decision to lure Mrs. That Dan Guy back to the flashing lights and incessant neon glow of Las Vegas. While I had good intentions at heart (seeing a couple of incredible shows, helping out the North American economy in general, and allowing MTDG to buy more shoes), I made a couple of critical error in planning, with respect to my pressing goal of seeing at least one surviving Beatle live in concert…

The first chance was to see Paul McCartney at the upcoming Coachella Music Festival in California. There were other stars of appeal as well there, so it seemed like a terrific idea. However, for one reason or another (too many other excellent choices to consider between), we opted to pass on the chance to see him there.

On the way to the airport from Las Vegas during our most recent trip, I spotted a sign advertising Paul McCartney tickets. Curses! A quick check online when we got back home indicated that he was opening a new venue for the Hard Rock Café LV, called “The Joint”. This would have been a chance to see him in a smaller venue, AND allow all of the above benefits that I had mentioned in parentheses earlier. Because I had forced the most recent trip upon us (which otherwise bore us absolutely no regrets), there was just no way we could return immediately for yet another visit.

Then this morning, I read of the benefit concert Sir Paul just performed in New York City. ALONG WITH RINGO STARR!! Two Beatles, one show – my life would have been complete in one brief encounter!!


Wattaya gonna do? Just feggedaboudit, I guess…

Chow for now…

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Chicken Scratch




Howdy humans!! A little hard to hear here this mornin’. Ole Charlie has gathered part of the group for a picture, to show what an IHOP looks like in Canada.

An Innernational House O’ Poultry!!


The chickens outnumber humans here by a substantial margin. Pretty soon, WE’LL be callin’ the shots! No more bulk sunflower seeds and leftover grain droppins – we’ll be eatin’ steak and potatoes!!

Mebbe ole Col Sanders SHOULD stop by…heh heh heh….


Gross Man! Who cut the cheese??? Cornelius???

Cripes, ya can’t even get a break durin’ a historic photographical moment around here…

Lemme tell ya, this ain’t even the half of what us poultry constitute around here. There’s more chickens here than Carter has pills, which is a human reference older than the hills. I ain’t talkin’ about Dr. Carter from ER, neither…

I hafta admit, we got it pretty good, much as I complain. Most of our relatives live in trailers, or barns, so havin’ a soft setta sheets to put our crowns down on at night is pretty decent of the folks here.

Once we take over the house, we’ll hafta remember how kind they were to us inna past…


Cluck for now!!

Friday, April 03, 2009

Considering that four days have now passed since the alleged April Fools Day launch, I think it’s pretty safe to suggest that I have avoided getting that Conficker virus on this “Zista” computer of mine. Which is nothing short of astounding, considering what a piece of crap “Zista” has been, in my own humble experience…

Every time I think that I’ve gotten over the crest of a hill with the Microsloppy “Zista” operating system, I start yet another day where the computer doesn’t recognize “Zista-approved” software, hardware, and pictures on the wall of my office. Today, it is the printer that needs to reload every time I start the computer. Which reloads old software, which forces me to go online to download driver updates, which makes me want to just toss this piece of electronic penguin sludge under a moving fan, and give directions to the driver of THAT vehicle…

(Hmmm. I see I made a typo back there. Which would have been funnier - a moving VAN, or a moving FAN? I must ask for your opinions on that...)

Ah, but I am showing my unhappiness – I apologize. I did have a chance to make the switch over to a Mac, and chose to defer that a bit longer. Who cares if that decision turns my brain into boiled cabbage soup just a little bit faster??

The funny thing about that Conficker virus is that it only targeted Windows OS computers – 9 out of every 10 computers worldwide. In my case, it likely would have done me a favour, and may have even had the opposite effect of crippling my system. It may have finally sorted out whatever failures this “Zista” OS has had since Day One, even with innumerable updates and patches. I’m convinced that the only thing that will ever make this system work properly is when it becomes a boat anchor, and even then I’m not so sure that “Zista” will be able to perform anywhere near correctly, let alone find a body of water if a boat is floating in it. This, my friends, is a dead horse I continue to beat, a dead horse of my own commission. Or volition, whichever word makes more sense back there...

Curse you, live entertainment in Las Vegas, for clouding my judgment, and depriving me of the chance to see a world of computerized efficiency. I am my own worst enemy…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, April 02, 2009

What can I say?

(No, seriously, what can I say? I REALLY need to start making a list of blog topics for days like today…)

Well, I suppose that I could always talk about the letdown of April Fools Day passing, even though we really didn’t pull any big pranks off yesterday. I had two print deadlines, plus an interview I was trying to fit in, so the hope of pulling the sheep over Mrs. That Dan Guy’s eyes with something funny just never came together.

Although, I have put a costume on one of her stuffed teddy bears that says “Iron Man”, which she hasn’t noticed yet. I thought that was kind-of funny.

Aside from that, we had a relatively quiet April Fools Day, here in the Such Is Life household. I’ll have to start planning for next year, to really spring something momentous. Although truth be told, it could almost always be April Fools Day here…

Beyond that, I am currently contemplating ways that I can market my latest “A-HA” idea.

Here’s the deal – I love eating buttered soda crackers, but it’s SUCH a time consuming process, having to butter each one out of the package. Not everyone puts them into soup, so I am proposing to the soda cracker manufacturers that they come out with a line of pre-buttered crackers. Of course, the problems arise, like: “how do you keep the butter fresh while the product stays on the shelf for a couple of years?” I believe I have conquered this concern – cryogenics. Just like the process that freezes famous dead people, each box of pre-buttered soda crackers would come in a portable cryogenic chamber, that could be recycled after each box is consumed.

Sometimes, the solution is as simple as being right under your nose…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Well, if this post loads today, I suppose I’ll have gotten past April Fool’s Day, AND the computer virus that’s supposed to be going around today. We shall see…

Hey, speaking of April Fool’s Day, we got hit by that one day early yesterday, courtesy of the ABC network. We watched their “new” TV show, “Cupid”. Why, this show was so new, it didn’t at all resemble almost exactly the original version cancelled a few years ago, starring the talented and engaging Jeremy Piven (the award-winning actor from “Entourage”). I mean, EXACTLY like the prior version, plot lines and all – just with a different cast...

We should know – we LOVED that original version – Piven played a hilarious character who thought he was Cupid, having to pair up so many mortals on Earth before being allowed back home. He was also able to make the character believable in his quest. This version has younger actors, and I think may be set in a different city, but as the episode progressed, we kept tweaking on all the familiar quirks of the Piven show. We’ll see if it lasts as long as that one before it gets cancelled, but either it was an early April Fool’s prank, or the broadcasters really think viewers are just that dim…

Adding to my April Fool’s Day torment this morning, and aided in no small part by the abysmal performance of the game we attended the other night, our Calgary Flames have fallen from first place in their division. To…the Vancouver Canucks???


Chow for now!!