There’s been something very familiar, this weekend.

We made a surprise (and lightning-fast) trip home, to Winnipeg! Mrs. That Dan Guy had to come here for our work, and we decided not to tell anybody – just surprise both our families.

Which is a risky proposition, on a weekend. Unlike us, people go out and do things on a weekend. We knew we were taking chances, but by and large, we were pretty successful.
We did miss some people, but we’ll be back, so we can catch them on the flip side.

The first person to get a visit out-of-the-blue was my old buddy, and anti-James Blunt crusader argy.ca. With my new semi-bald style, he didn’t immediately recognize me, until I went straight for some collectible comics, with my greasy fingers. It all came back after that!

From there, we went to MTDG’s sister’s home, where we tried to find out if they’d be home, without giving away that we were already in town. I think we tried to suggest to them (via a cryptic text message) that we had something we needed to talk about, and asked if they were going to be home that night.

Well, we had forgotten to remember that Friday night is Bingo-Mania in Winnipeg, so we had to hustle over, so as to catch them by surprise. As we were pulling up to the house, on our niecettes was vamoosing, to get a really good seat at the Bingo Pavilion. We honked our horn, but she just waved a bingo dabber at us, as her cab sped away…

So, we went to the door of the home, where we did indeed surprise MTDG’s S&H, plus the remaining niecette, who was preparing to go see one of those fancy-pants music concerts we hear so much about. So, our surprise was at the cost of seeing all of them, but we did have a hoot with the remaining group, who decided to pass on Bingo, and visit. A good time had by all…

Yesterday, we surprised MY parents and family, almost causing a cardiac incident when I tiptoes up behind my mother, as they were returning from some running around. She also didn’t recognize me, with my giant baldness, and a couple of extra pounds that somehow snuck on over the summer…

From the old family home, we called up my sisters, who were able to come over, but not my other niecette, who was working. So, at the cost of the element of surprise, we missed her as well.

But, we’ll be back…

Aside from that, I had a chance to walk around downtown Winnipeg, which has changed a bit since our last visit. I walked up past the downtown library, and the new arena, (Large Western Canadian Telephone Company) Centre. Walked up past the Burton Cummings Theatre, and into the Exchange District, where I found Red River Bookstore, still open after all these years. Don’t tell MTDG, but I was able to pick up a couple of titles I’ve been looking for…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Bonjourno, mammals! Charlie’s picked up a few new tricks over the past week, and he’s here to share ‘em with ya!!

So, unbeknownst to my roommates, I had hopped into some luggage last week. Good thing, these turkeys were goin’ to Las Vegas, and they had forgotten to tell ole Charlie!!


Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Damn near broke my heart, but all was forgiven when I scurried out of a wardrobe bag, and out onto the casino floor. Almost blinded by all the flashin’ lights, but once I got my bearings, I managed to get on a hot streak, and doubled-up my stake in a half an hour! I was the cluck of the town!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I’d tell ya about craps, but who needs to hear about my digestive system at this time of day?? I’ll talk about roo-lette instead…

So, the object of roo-lette is to pick a number, and hope that a little ball stops on it. Then ya win, dependin’ on how much ya bet. If yer chicken, and play el-cheapo bets, ya win crap. But if yer like ole Charlie, and live on the edge – well, ya better bring along a piece of luggage, to carry all yer chips home.

Now, there’s more than one way to bet on roo-lette. You can pick a single number, or overlap several. You can even bet on red or black, which takes yer odds down to 50/50 or so. Pays like crap, but minimizes yer risk.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

When yer a hi-roller like myself, the waiteresses cluckin’ much drown you in free booze. If you’ve never seen pickled chicken before, you ain’t seen me in Vegas…

One tip I can share with ya is how to discreetly push yer chips over to a better number, if the spinning ball lands on one ya didn’t pick. But ya hafta be quick, or the pit boss will grab you by yer pinfeathers, and hoist you out into the street. They could at least find a patch of softer pavement if they’re gonna act like gorillas…

And, my final tip – after three hours of consuming complimentary beverages, DO NOT watch the ball as it spins around the roo-lette wheel. If you’re at all yak-inclined, you will yak, probably all over the felt. That’s another trip to the sidewalk. I may have to gow my feathers back, that concrete can scrape off yer poultry bumps!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluck for now!!

This is still pretty weird. I feel like I've got a small ball of cotton in my ear. Or a wadded up piece of paper towel. Or a semi-inflated balloon...

Whatever is in there, it has certainly plugged up my ear. And yet, throughout the day it does clear up, which makes me wonder why I have to drop this greasy mineral oil in there.

Perhaps I gripe too much. And yet, does anyone else have to wander around with half of a set of working ears??

Which bring up another point - this doesn't seem to be affecting my hearing. Much. It's more of an oddball thing, very much like myself...




Oh boy...

Is that all I got today? I could have SWORE I had been going on for at least 500 words, but rereading my post so far, this one falls really short in the wordage department. Maybe I should discreetly insert some random jibbedy-jabbedy??

But hark, what light through yonder window breaks? Four score and a lotta years ago, tie a yellow ribbon if you still want me. I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. There is a house in New Orleans, they call the rising sun. Will you pay $199 for this product? NO! Will you even pay $99 for this product? NO! For just ONE payment of $19.99...

You have to know when to hold em, and know when to fold em. I have to go lubricate my ear...

Chow for now!!

I’ve got some pretty interesting luck, when it comes to picking up odd ailments…

Take yesterday for example. I awoke to discover a plugged ear, the same one I’ve written about in the past – which at times feels like it is filled with water. What a gift that would be if I was stranded in a desert! No, wait, how would I get the water out?? Blimey!!!

At any rate, yesterday this plugged ear got so bad, it made the left side of my face numb. Number. That was supposed to read more numb, not numeric, by the way.

So, even though I believe in my heart that I am capable of curing just about anything myself, I thought this might be a good time to visit a real doctor.

After a leisurely, relaxing 90-minute wait, the doctor took a look inside, and made hand puppets on the wall with the illumination from my other ear.

Kidding. He couldn’t see anything, because of a waxy build-up. Not only should I have used a less waxy cleaner on my floors, I should have been just as diligent inside my ears.

So, the solution was to take some sort of anti-histamine for a week (I think THAT one was total improvisation on his part), and I have to insert a couple of drops of mineral oil every day, to help soften the wax build-up. Thank God the doctor had some suggestions at least, or I’d be here at home right now, trying to excavate the stuff with a toothpick and some dental floss…

Today, it’s just as plugged, but only a 5 on the throbbing scale. In a week he will flush the ear, and we’ll see if there’s indeed water or something in there.

On an unrelated note, it has been two days today since I’ve seen my pet caterpillar. Somehow be broke out of his cage (OK, saucer and lettuce leaf), and has been AWOL ever since. Hope he turns up somewhere soon..

Chow for now!!

So, my earlier hair disaster is starting to mend, finally.

I know, what with George Clooney being in a motorcycle accident, and Pamela Anderson remarrying, who’s had time to think about That Dan Guy’s bad haircut?

Well, soon even I won’t be fretting about it anymore. I don’t even wear a baseball cap much anymore. Mrs. That Dan Guy finds the new fuzz fuzzy and soft, unlike the couple of days of gleaming pink eggshell, back when I was first robbed of my follicles. Or the following few days after that, when stubby stubble filled in some of the empty space.

Above my scalp…

I’m still trying to figure out how a stylist can see a person come into a salon with a head of hair, and decide that a “trim” means shearing me like a highland sheep. I hope somebody out there has had a lovely sleep on their pillow made from my former (& beloved) sprigs.

One thing for sure, I won’t be asking for a bikini wax anytime soon…

Chow for now!!

Well, things are slowly getting back to normal, here in the Such Is Life household. We’ve pretty much given up on having a waitress stop by while on her rounds, and even though we waited all day yesterday, housekeeping failed to make our beds. We are indeed home again…

It’s amazing how some things can transform while you are away. We had left a few items in the refrigerator, and in just a few short days, they became very inventive with respect to composition.

A mixed baby green salad (we’re still trying to figure out how THAT got in there) somehow died, in what appears to have been an effort to become a tartan weave. The baby greens looked like they had been melted together in a microwave experiment, which I swear I had nothing to do with. Frankly, the baby greens looked a bit like my old Chia pet donkey…

We also had a handful of grapes that seemed to bypass the raisin process, and press themselves into a crude maroon-coloured wine. While smelling like pickled radishes.

And, we had what was left of a brick of cheddar cheese, now more like a brick of green felt. I think that puppy had a pulse. I’ll be using my oven mitts to dispose of those oddities…

And hey, in other news, famed Canadian actress and pin-up model Pamela Anderson has married yet again, this past week!! Taking a break from her previous diet of rock stars ( and I’ll use THAT term loosely here), she has this time turned to Paris Hilton’s infamous videographer. Honeymoon tapes, anyone??

Finally (sheesh, I sound like one of those fake news guys), the brand of cigars I enjoy smoking whilst donating money (our heirs may some day otherwise expect) to giant casino conglomerates and concert promoters has changed the name of their product to “blunts”. I have to suspect this is a reaction to the massive worldwide success of my man Jimmy, which makes me even more of a proud consumer of these products.

Chow for now!

Las Vegas Summary, 2007

Well, once again we have travelled to the Happiest Place On Earth, for us at least. It felt like a whirlwind tour this time around, but we still managed to squeeze in a whack of “hotel” visits (they attach casinos to the darn things!!).

Sadly, this time out the casino gods beat us with a stick. They spanked us like puppies that had peed on their carpets. I would almost believe it if someone suggested jackpots had been suspended during our visit. We were skunked.

However, there were highlights, even with missing the show we flew in to see. Don Rickles was hilarious, and I have two terrific pictures - one of his back, and one of his belly. And I wonder why I can’t ever sell any of my photos…

We spent a load of time with some family members that had joined us there, which was very cool. Although, normally we go to bed by 9 PM, and spend more time at choir practice, we struggled to keep up with these youngsters and their late-nite carousing. We just have to double up on our doses of Metamucil and Vitamin D, until we recover…

Our long tradition of punking each other (long before young Ashton may have even been born) continued, showing up on the last day of our visit. We had a package delivered to our room, indicating a “comp” package.

As we began to open the various items, we realized we were being had. However, worrying that we may have to explain some of the items to border guards, we left most unpacked – one item in particular had “Department Of Homeland Security” tape on it.

When we got home, we unwrapped that one, and found a hideous lamp that has passed hands between us for years. But no longer. It did not survive this trip. As fast as I tried to cobble the pieces back together again, Mrs. That Dan Guy was tossing them into the garbage. Not much on ceremony, MTDG….

Our comp package did attract some additional attention – we had our luggage searched by Homeland Security! Good grief…

All in all, another great trip to one of our favourite places in the world. Even with the caning we took at the slots, it’s hard to begrudge Las Vegas for much of anything. As is typical, we reluctantly plied ourself out of our own hotel, just in time to catch a shuttle to the airport.

Until next time, City Of Neon Lights…

Chow for now!!

Sheesh!

You get one good night’s sleep, and you wake up at noon?? What’s up with that??

I guess it makes sense. We arrived back in Calgary at about 1:30 AM, then by the time you hike from the outskirts of town to where they have Canada Customs in the airport, it’s about 2 AM.

Then you wait for your bags, which are unpacked by the airline’s oldest living employee (one at a time, with breaks in between), so that gets you to 2:30. Then we had to drive clear across town to get home, and lug our carcasses and luggage into the house.

Exhausted as you are, you can’t just crawl into bed, so we decided to watch one of the twenty-seven shows we taped on three different VCR’s while we were away. We opted for 30 Rock, with special guest star Jerry Seinfeld. LOVE that Alec Baldwin, what a cad!!

By the time we rolled into bed, getting up at noon was pretty much a healthy 8-hour sleep – our first one of those since arriving in Las Vegas. I guess I’ll have to do a wrap-up Vegas column tomorrow.

And, maybe now these things will get back to being longer than three sentences, which have included about as much funny as a nose piercing with a toothpick.

What do you expect, when the poster posts at 3 in the morning???

Chow for now

BUK-AAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, the second (and last) show we had pre-purchased for this trip was a slice of classic Las Vegas - Don Rickles. He has always been someone I've wanted to see, and he happened to lineup for this venture out. The best part - no bronchitis!! He was able to perform!

And perform he did, but not before a terrific little warm-up act he had - Shades Of Sinatra. This is a trio of Sinatra tribute artists, each one as good as the other. Frankly (no pun intended) they were outstanding. Good enough to earn a standing ovation.

Then it was time for Mr. Warmth himself. Rickles hit the stage, and launched immediately into haranguing audience members, plus working on stuff that a truck driver would find difficult to consider politically correct. He's so far from politically correct, you'd have to give Archie Bunker brownie points on open-mindedness.

But funny! He had the place howling, and surprised most of us I'm sure with several song and dance numbers - he ain't exactly a spring chicken anymore!!

Speaking of chickens, I'm sure glad we left Charlie behind this weekend. He'd be more of a handful than usual here in Sin City!!

Anyhow, Rickles was absolutely amazing. I'm just too tired at this time of morning to be overly descriptive about it....

Chow for now!!

Things don’t always go the way you plan…

That giant display board for the Las Vegas Hilton indicates the major reason we planned this current trip to Vegas. We had booked tickets for Barry Manilow before we left home.

We arrived at the Hilton plenty early, eager to pick up those tickets, and then grab a quick meal in one of the many hotel restaurants. Then we just had to kill a hour before “The Music & The Passion” – the magic of Manilow live.

Walking to the box office though, we had a surprise in store – not a good one. “The Music & The Passion” was CANCELLED, for Oct 4th. No show.

Turns out Manilow came down with bronchitis, so we were, to be scientific about it, screwed.

Crushed and beaten, we somehow shuffled over to a restaurant, and forced some food into our gullets. After some discussion, we determined that with the amount of shows we tend to see, something like this is going to happen once in a while. It just would have been nice if it hadn’t been halfway across the flippin’ country…

So, now we have to come back to see Mr. Manilow, I guess next year. Hope he doesn’t come down with malaria or something. It’ll be like back in the 70’s when you bought Aerosmith tickets, and they were all too ripped to perform. I think they cancelled three live shows in a row in Winnipeg back then. Performers…a little bronchitis and they can’t sing a song or two…

Other than that, we are keeping busy, and having later nights than a meeting of the Hilton Spears Society.

More to come!!

Chow for now…

Vegas 2007, Day 2

After one of the latest nights in our lifetime on Day 1, we settled back into a more normal pace yesterday, hitting the hay at about 2:30 AM. Still pretty late for us old farts, but it's Vegas. It can't be helped...

That will also explain why these postings are going to be off schedule. Just coming alive now...

So, in addition to the general carousing we inevitably do in Las Vegas, we caught our first show of the trip last night as well, at the Planet Hollywood Hotel & Casino. Which, much to our surprise has replaced the Aladdin Hotel & Casino, which we happened to like. They have improved it, so we'll forgive them. It has so far been one of the best places to spend time, this time out.

The show we saw? Our travel companions this time around (GG & Spouse) and us took in Steve Wyrick's Real Magic Show, a Vegas extravaganza, with elaborate illusions, dancing girls, and pounding music. Pretty dang good, if I do say so myself. I figured out all the tricks, but it was stiil pretty impressive...

But, we must eat. Recharge our fuel cells. More to come! Stay tuned!!

Chow for now.

That was an AMATEUR HOUR PRODUCTIONS VIDEO

Oh yeah, we’re in Las Vegas!!!!

And if I didn’t post this now, at 4:00 in the morning, you wouldn’t see it until afternoon.

Only in Vegas…

By the way, on the flight down, we caught Much More Music Live, with James Blunt. Lots of stuff from the new album, and of course, a few classics.. Tres bien!!

Chow for now!!

It’s National Squirrel Month again, folks!!

I may have run this photo last year, but it seems appropriate, seeing as how later today, we’ll very likely be playing one of those one-armed bandits.

Viva Las Vegas!!

Ahem…

I digress…

National Squirrel Month, a celebration of all things squirrely. Do squirrels scurry through forests? Do squirrels need to blow dry those bushy tails, to achieve maximum fluffage?

Do squirrels have an unhealthy addiction to nuts?

Hopefully, over the course of October, we’ll find out. Or maybe we won’t. National Squirrel Month is often out of my control – squirrels happen. And, frankly, I’m not an animal scientist – whatever they call those folks. I’m just a blogger.

Short and sweet today!!

Chow for now!!

The Monday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review” – Paul Anka.

(or, Why I Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Master showman alert!! Whoop Whoop Whoop!!!!!

Last night we enjoyed a top-drawer Las Vegas-style production from Mr. Paul Anka, and what a show it was, boys and girls!! Out on his 50th Anniversary tour, Anka made it clear early on why he’s been around long enough to celebrate that milestone.

He opened the show by entering from the back of the concert hall, just one of many visits he made throughout the night, out into the audience. At one point, he passed by me, and I was able to shake his hand. I touched one of the hands that wrote “My Way”!!! Aye Caramba…

At any rate, the first part of his 2-hour show was filled with a mix of early hits like “Diana”, “You are My Destiny”, and on and on, plus some of his newer cover songs from “Rock Swings”, where he gives contemporary rock songs a big band remake. For my money, the best part of the night was his audience participation run-through of Van Halen’s “Jump”, where the entire audience of (primarily) seniors hopped up and down every time he shouted “Jump”. The irony is, we’ll see many of the same folks when the original band comes through town later this year, hopping their little hearts out one more time. Just like the band will be..

Another highlight had to have been a couple of acoustic sets, one where Mr. Anka sat at the grand piano, and speculated about how some of his songs might sound, if he had to write them today. One fine sense of humour that guy has!!

Hands down, chills up the spine time was the acoustic guitar jam, where four of them played songs from the fifties, including “It Doesn’t Matter Anymore”, the song he wrote for Buddy Holly, recorded just before he died, while on a tour that Anka was on as well.

That’s the cool thing about Anka. You might not get too excited about his own catalogue of songs, but you may not be aware of how many other artists have had monster hits with his songs. Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Barbra Streisand, Chicago, Tom Jones…more than I can mention here. Plus he was buddies with Bobby Darin.

Just sayin’…

Twice throughout the show he ran archival film footage – appearances on Ed Sullivan, American Bandstand, family memories – the guy has been around, and done it all.

He was backed up by a crazy-talented 15-piece big band, including a 9-person horn section. His bandleader was a great sexist. Several times throughout he night he stepped out to play his sex. I always enjoy a good sex player.

Growing up as a young lad in Winnipeg, I used to go see so-called “greaser” bands, groups that dressed up as ‘50’s artists, and played so much of these great songs. Last night, we got the real dude, in fine form, plus way more. Still relevant, still sensational on a stage. So good, you can pretty much forgive some of those songs from the 70’s…

Chow for now!!

I have seen my future, and it ain’t pretty…

No, this isn’t some Photoshop trick. That is indeed my scalp you are gazing at. I’ve got less hair than Charlie!!

It was an unintentional gaze into my future though. I may not have much left on top, but what was once there was infinitely better than this!! I’m smoother than my own bottom!!

What happened was sort-of an innocent mistake. My last stylist relocated, and I went in the other day for a little trim. The new stylist asked if her predecessor trimmed the top short, and (being a clueless male) I said yeah, I think so.

Here’s where the problem gets compounded. I take my glasses off for a haircut, and without glasses, I can’t see past the length of my extended arm. So, what the stylist was doing didn’t seem at all out of the ordinary.

Little did I know...

At any rate, when she was done and I put my glasses back on, I looked into the mirror and saw someone my Dad’s age. No, that’s wrong. Even my Dad still has more hair than this.

Even an egg has more hair than this…

That’s what you get when you continually write columns about having no hair – a self-fulfilling prophecy!!

Oh well. It will grow back. Until then, I’ve got a terrific selection of baseball caps to try out.

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Happy Saturday morning, my poultry-bump-free amigos!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Ole Charlie’s feelin’ a little bagged this mornin’, folks. I been fightin’ the cold that my roommates have been passin’ back ‘n forth, and I think it done did caught up to me…

Plus, they ain’t exactly prompt on cleanin’ up my litterbox, if ya know what I mean…Germ Alert!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, ya know how polite I usually am, but to give you some idea of how we’re all doin’ around here, let me paint a little picture for ya.

Ya ever heard that ole sayin’ “Slicker than the snot on a rooster’s beak”? Well, with three colds in the house, there’s snot ON the beaks, IN the beaks, all over the beaks!!! It’s a cluckin’ mucous factory in here!!

Buk-AAAWK!!!

And I have to say, Mrs. That Dan Guy sounds like a Canadian Goose honkin’ when she blows her nose. Just sayin’…

Which is still better than Banjo Boy, who groans every time he blows his honker, like he’s just passed a marble through his honker. The boy is a total wuss!! Which may explain his fascination with that high-pitched yowler Blunt.

Cluck! Better scatter. My beak is startin’ to dribble again. Chicken wings ain’t meant to hoist Kleenex!!

Cluck for now!!

It’s a great day to be alive, boys and girls!!

Of course, even if you weren’t (alive), this is probably still pretty big news.

Mr. James Blunt has just assumed the Number One position atop the Canadian album charts this week, according to published reports. He knocked Kanye West out of the top spot, rocketing to # 1 about as fast as Garth Brook’s comeback single on the country side.

So, can there be any further debate? The man is a recording monolith, and as I said the other day, there’s loads of potential hit singles on his new disc, so expect him to stick around for another couple of bazillion airplays, kiddies.

Boy, if Mr. Blunt ever put out a live album, he could surpass “Frampton Comes Alive”, “Cheap Trick Live At Budokan”, “Raffi At The Quelph Day Care Centre”!! He’s huge!!

But, I admit I may be a bit biased here.

***********************************************************************************

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are both grappling with pre-holiday colds. Nothing builds enthusiasm for a getaway like phlegm lodging in about ¾ of your throat.

However, once again I find I must recommend Cold-FX, the wonder drug for fighting colds, originated here in Canada. MTDG’s symptoms have lessened since she began her regimen, and my own seem to be held at bay with the product.

Chow for now!!

Well, there you have it, folks! I’ve been saying all along that September was flying by, and look at that calendar! There’s just a few days left…

If only December could do the same. Oh wait, that’s not too bad a month, holiday-wise.

If only January could do the same...

I’m a little dopey this morning. Had some tossing and turning in bed last night, and as a result got up a couple of times. Therefore, I’m kinda feeling it, whilst trying to propel my carcass along this morning.

Man, does network TV ever blow at 2:00 in the morning! Not that it’s all that great at prime time either, but in the wee hours of the morning, you really have to work to try and amuse yourself. While watching TV…

First off, you’ve got infomercials up the wazoo. Infomercials for products you’d have to have been kicked by a mule to think you actually need.

And how do these wizards always come up with $19.95 for every single product they offer?

“A new magnetic duster, harnessing the power of unicorn hair, just $19.95!!”

“Will you pay $1000 for this edible vacuum? NO! Will you even pay $500 for this revolutionary new edible vacuum? NO!! For just three equal payments of $19.95, you’ll be eating dirt in style!!”

I have to admit, I jotted down the number for that amazing new potato peeling glove. Have you seen it? You just rub a potato while wearing these abrasive gloves, and seconds later, you’ve pulverized the peel, and hold in your hands a potato literally begging to be boiled. Sure, the gloves look like you’ve been working on the transmission of a school bus, but I’m sure they just wash off with one easy motion.

Anyhow, I’m whacked, and sitting here pounding this out hasn’t helped. I’m going to go put my head down, and dream of my potato peeling gloves.

I wonder what they’d do to a gerbil???

Chow for now!!

Once upon a time, there were three bears. Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear. Just like the A & W Hamburger family, but with more fur…

One day, the three bears decided to go for an idyllic walk in the woods, to stop and smell some roses. And skinny dip in the local lake. And maybe hit the casino. Hey, bears like to shoot craps too…

While they were out, a young blondie named Goldilocks jimmied open their kitchen window, and crawled inside their modest yet modern home. She caught her new jeans on a splinter of wood from the window jam, and said something I really shouldn’t print here. Seriously, she was quite pissed off…

Once inside the three bears’ home, Goldilocks cased the joint, and filled a burlap gunnysack with a few small but valuable items – all the better to hock later in the day. Well, all except the i-Pod Nano – THAT one she’d keep for herself.

However, as Goldilocks was finishing up her “shopping” trip, she became hungry. Goldie was never much of a long-term planner, and had failed to have a light snack before starting her afternoon work.

So, she rustled through the cupboards, and found boxes and boxes of porridge. And honey. Honey and porridge – that was it. Pissed off again, she glanced around the kitchen, and noticed three half-eaten bowls of porridge on the kitchen table. THAT was more like it…

She sampled one bowl, and it was just too porridgey. Blech! The next one was too runny. Ewww! But the last one was JUST right! So she scarfed it down.

But porridge always made Goldilocks sleepy, so she decided to try crashing for a few minutes.

She found Baby Bear’s bed, but it was too wet (Baby had issues…and a plastic mattress cover).

Then she discovered that Mama & Papa Bear had separate beds, indicating that people who originally wrote fables had to be careful about sexual mores back in the day. Hey, they had Baby Bear, it’s not like they were pure as the driven snow!!

Mama Bear’s bed was not too bad, but Papa Bear’s bed had a big-screen TV at the foot, to watch sports after he had left Mama Bear’s bed each night, if you know what I mean…

So, she crashed there while watching The View. Man, that Whoopi Goldberg is one funny cat!!

But that was bad luck for Goldie, because while she was still snoring, the three bears came home. And, let’s be serious here kids, bears and humans are not a good combination.

Goldie was never heard from again.

And the bears lived happily ever after.

Chow for now!!

One of the quirks of driving to our home is that you are pointed right at the Rocky Mountains. It looks like you’re driving right into them. Until you hit our street, where you have to turn, and subsequently end up in a suburban neighborhood with pretty much no view of those mountains.

Yesterday, driving home myself, I saw that the peaks of those Rocky Mountains were capped entirely in fresh snow, which makes them even more impressive to view (until you end up in our suburban neighborhood, turn, and completely lose sight of them).

This is a nice visual, but it also means that with fall barely a few days old, winter ain’t so far away.

As a matter of fact, we awoke yesterday to a balmy –3 outside, so Mrs. That Dan Guy had to throw on the oven, the fireplace, and sit on a heating pad, while nursing her first cup of coffee in the morning. What I’m saying is – it’s chilly now.

Pretty soon, we’ll have to turn on the furnace. When we still lived in Kelowna, it was an annual ritual to see how long we could go, before we finally gave in and fired up the central heating system. Sometimes it was late October; once we even hobbled into November.

Now, we’re thinking about turning it on (the furnace, the furnace) in the last week of freakin’ September!!! With all the big oil money floating around this town, you’d think SOMEBODY might be able to do something to make it more…well…tropical here. And global warming, come on!! –3 does NOT feel like global warming to me!!

Oh well, wattaya gonna do? Just enjoy the sun while it briefly shines down in the afternoon.

And join Mrs. That Dan Guy on the heating pad at night…

Chow for now!

Having had about a week now to (continuously) play the new James Blunt CD – I have reached a verdict.

Terrific!! Fantastico! Wunderbar!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – have no fear. Mr. Blunt has created yet another monster batch of future hits. Maybe not another “You’re Beautiful”, but there’s some terrific, terrific songs on this disc…

As a matter of fact, it almost has the feel of a Beatles album – one of the poppy ones of course.

Hey, wouldn’t it be fun to imagine (no pun intended) a NEW Beatles?

Paul McCartney is still around, so he could keep his original role.

Ringo. What’s he doing these days? Working at a Kinko’s somewhere? Let him back behind the drum kit, and you’ve got 50 percent of the band back together again. More than enough to keep hard-line sticklers happy.

Then, instead of something tacky and predictable like Julian or Sean Lennon, why not James Blunt?? Come on, he’s British, he’s tall and thin, and he has that high voice. It’s almost spooky I tell you. I’m getting poultry bumps just thinking about it!!!

To round out the new Fab Four, you could really shake things up, and maybe have Norah Jones as the serious one. That works on a number of levels.

“And now Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a really big shew…Paul, James, Norah and Ringo – The Beatles!!!””

Crowd goes wild…

Man, I gotta get this idea into the hands of somebody that can do something with it…

Chow for now!!

It's not like we're admitting that summer is over, but yesterday we took down our gazebo, and packed up our lawn furniture...

Good thing, too. Last night it started to rain like a cheap motel room shower, so we would have had to wait DAYS until everything dried up again. As a matter of fact, it's still raining this morning.

I also mowed the lawn, which is neither here nor there, but it fills up a sentence or two here. Sorry...

So, with all that done, I think we are now officially prepared for fall. Looking out at our empty back yard, with the neatly manicured lawn, I wonder, "hey, who the hell's yard is that"?? The only thing missing is leaves to rake up, which is a good thing, seeing as how we don' t have trees of our own in the yard. I'd hate to be raking up some other person's leaves.

We do have wasps though. On the other side of the fence, in one of our other neighbor's yards, there's a healthy, well-producing wasp nest. Which made taking down our gazebo just a little bit more entertaining when they swooped in to help out. But, we persevered (and dodged a lot), until the task was done.

See you next year, summer...

Chow for now!!

(Hey, aren't these things supposed to be funny???)

Chicken Scratch

Howdy-Doo, humans!

Today, ole Charlie is gonna try and get some proper breakfast tips into your thick skulls. Go grab a notepad…

Buk!

So, did yer mama ever tell ya how important breakfast is?? Well, lemme tell ya – it’s the most important pluckin’ meal of the day!!

Buk!

And what do YOU usually have for breakfast?? Eggs & bacon? Heart Attack Benedict? Coronory blockage Macmuffery?? MORON!!!!

Buk!

Cluck me!! Pluckin’ hiccups…I need ta guzzle some water, or somethin’…

Anyhoo, you have to start having a proper breakfast. Now, just cause ole Charlie enjoys the “Breakfast Of Champions” every day (coffee and several delightfully lengthy smokes), doesn’t mean that’s healthy for everybody. It may keep me as thin as an anorexic heiress, but it could be unhealthy for YOU.

Buk!

Crap!! Somebody pop a paper bag while I ain’t lookin’…

Humans oughta be eatin’ stuff like cereal, and low-fat muffins that taste like perfumed dog turds. They should eat fruit, and other boring things. AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you ever have cereal that tastes good. Ya hafta eat plain, grain, grown with rain stuff.

Buk!

Mother Teresa… C’mon, somebody scare me. Tell me that Fiddy Scent has to retire now that Kanye outsold his record…

So, to sum things up – for a healthy human breakfast – no flavor, no enjoyment. If t tastes like the container your old toaster came in, it’s probably healthy for ya.

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

Hey, that’s better!!

Cluck for now!!

Back when we still lived in Kelowna, we played a little game where we tried to see how long it would be each year, before we turned on the furnace.

More often than not, it was late into October. One time we even stretched into November!

Not here in Calgary. We should have fired up the afterburners days ago. Every morning lately I awake to Mrs. That Dan Guy chipping icicles off her cheeks. I have a cup of unintentional iced coffee. The only thing preventing immediate hypothermia is my flannel long-johns…

Yes, we’ve skipped right by fall here, and seem to be experiencing the arctic chills of winter. I’ll only be able to stubbornly refuse to turn on the furnace so much longer, or I may have to thaw the shower before I can step in.

I think what makes it so cold is the mountain air. Whenever it gets rainy or wet outside, the thermometer drops like an Acme anvil just before The Roadrunner speeds safely by. It’s a wet cold. Cold Wet. Flippin’ chilly…

Which reminds me of the old “Mexican Weather Report” – Chili Today, Hot Tamale!!

Ha Ha Ha!! Ba-Doom Boom! Here all week, folks!!

Anyhoo…

I guess what I’m getting at, in my own terminally miserable way, is that the last few mornings have been bloody cold in the house.

Chow for now!!

Special Emergency Edition Of

Chicken Scratch

By all things feathered and holy, for the love of The Great Rooster, I am pleadin’ to alla ya today! I believe I may be in imminent danger, if not about to totally lose my cookies…

Do ya see what I’m posin’ with here?? Yeah, the brand-new James Blunt CD. Banjo Boy here raced out to buy it cluckin’ TWO DAYS AGO, the first day of release…like some heart-broke schoolgirl. He musta been first in line when the stores opened!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!!

Oh, he can tell ya he bought it for Mrs. That Dan Guy, but he’s full of batter – he played it TWICE before he even went to pick her up!!!! I’m dyin’ here!!

Please, I begga ya, get me outta here before I peck my own eyeballs out!! Or bite off my ears, once I find ‘em…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

The worst part is, he sings along!! This guy couldn’t carry a tune in a takeout container!! I’ll let you decide which one I’m talkin’ about here…

Please, take me into yer heart, and yer home. I promise to drink less if I get outta here, and I’ll do what I can about my smokin’.

I can’t make any promises about the chicks…

Ah, I can’t make no promises about nuthin’…who am I kiddin’???

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

But I need to get outta this Blunt Zone toot sweet, there’s no tellin’ what’s next. I gotta get out before TDG gets a tattoo of James Blunt on his Butt-AAAAWKS!!!!

Cluck for now!!

The Wednesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Art Garfunkel

(or, Why I Will Never be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Well, we were certainly looking forward to this one, we two old fogies. This was a fundraiser for alternative energy gurus The Pembina Institute (http://www.pembina.org/), and I think one of only two Canadian dates. Last year was the exceptional Bonnie Raitt. Go back into the archives for that one…

One of the best shows we ever saw in Winnipeg was Paul Simon, one half of Simon & Garfunkel. Last night, we got to catch the other half of that famous partnership. The soft-voiced serious one. With the Caucasian afro. He still looks the same as he always has - like an electrocuted Q-Tip wearing a necktie.

This is trivia only, but he’s touring with James Taylor’s longtime pianist. Who knows, could be a Jeopardy question someday.

So, now we can say we’ve seen both Paul Simon, AND Art Garfunkel, just not together as Simon & Garfunkel. Which is how they’ve spent a lot of their career “together” anyhow…

Anyway, there’s a review to be done here, enough idle chit-chat!!

Mr. Garfunkel hit the stage with that unique voice of his, somewhat like frosted icing. I can’t recall which one of his own songs he started with, but it was well received. As was “Homeward Bound”, with which he followed that opener. The crowd went nuts. Clearly, we were secretly lusting for Simon & Garfunkel songs.

Which we ended up getting, happily. Over the course of over 90 minutes, Mr. Garfunkel played songs from his many solo albums, and a few surprises, like a tune by Randy Newman, and a lullaby by Mary Chapin Carpenter. But he acknowledged that the crowd seemed to light up a bit more whenever he threw in something like “El Condor Pasa”, or “Scarborough Fair”…

I sort-of expected to hear stuff like “The Boxer” (we did), but we were surprised and treated by hearing most of the Simon & Garfunkel biggies – “The Sounds of Silence”, and “Mrs. Robinson”, during which he joked about the reasons he and Paul Simon had broken up years ago. He has quite the dry wit.

Of course, he brought the flippin’ house down with “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which wrestled out a few sniffles from MTDG beside me… That alone was worth the price of admission…The song – not the sniffles…

Add in a latin-flavoured reworking of “Cecilia”, plus too many other highlights to list, it was a crazy-terrific evening. He closed with an oldie cover from the 50’s – “Goodnight My Love”.

Not the funniest review I’ll admit, but one GREAT show!!

Chow for now!!!

Hic…

Good day, eh. Welcome to today's blog.

Hic…

Super-early start this morning, as I have to be somewhere bright and early. I can guarantee early, but bright may be in doubt.

Hic…

I guess it’s not so early, now that I look at the time. I’ve been dragging my sorry carcass so far, since crawling out of bed.

Hic…

Flippin’ hiccups!!!!!!!

Wow! I’d better start getting ready. We’ve got to leave in about 50 minutes. Oh, wait. That’s MTDG that has to take so long to get ready. I just have to comb what’s left of my hair, and sniff a shirt.

Hic…

AARGH!! I have to drink some water…

Hic…

Quick, somebody scare me. Tell me that Britney Spears is going to sing and dance again…

Hic…

Oh boy. I hate having the hiccups. I feel like I’m trying to mildly project my breakfast or something.

Hic…

Alright, that’s it. I’ve gotta go breathe into a paper bag, or something. This is driving me nuts.

Chow for now!!

Hic…

The 17th??

What is going on with this month?? I feel like I’m in a horse race, but I’m the only nag pulling a cart…

At this rate, it’s going to be October in no time. Give it another 10 or 12 days, and we’ll all be singing those familiar October songs again. Like…like…oh, you know which ones I’m talking about…

So, no matter how much I plead, it’s becoming clear to me that September has its own agenda – so screw the rest of us that might like to see it linger a little bit.

Maybe the month has a big head, because of that old Earth Wind & Fire song about it? Or maybe it’s been out on bail, and needs to get back in a hurry? Whatever the reason, these 17 days seem to have FLOWN by.

Like those flying penguins I’ve been seeing… I know – I thought we had sorted out that whole penguin/can’t possibly be penguins thing, but man, do they ever look like penguins!! Although they aren’t black and white. More two-tone beige…

How did I get back on those stupid birds?? I’m still perturbed about the fleeting month here. I’m so perturbed by the fleeting month, I haven’t been able to fully allow myself to enjoy the Stampeders weekend massacre of that green team from Saskatchabush…our team killed ‘em!!!

I’m falling apart here…football, penguins, rapid-passing months…I’ve lost all semblance of sanity in my ramblings…

What’s that?? What sanity??

Chow for now!!

I don’t want to give anyone out there the impression I might be a little looney, but I’m pretty sure we have penguins flying over our house at night…

Sitting in our yard, there’s a certain time of evening that these mystery birds start flying across the sky. The only birds they seem to resemble are penguins, at least in form. They do NOT appear to be wearing tuxedos…

Now, I am aware that penguins are small, flightless birds, which would present the first challenge to my theory. Also, we live in ALBERTA, not either of the arctic zones. We are also completely devoid of pickled herring as a native food for them. I’m pretty sure the average penguin could find an Oreo cookie without much difficulty…

But these birds DO look like penguins!

Now, in retrospect, we have occasionally enjoyed a spirit beverage while sitting in the yard, so this could be similar to Loch Ness Monster and Ogopogo sightings… At least it ain’t Flyin’ Elvi!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Happy cluckin’ Saturday, mammals!! Tickle yer arse with a feather??

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

So, not much goin’ on today – pretty quiet in the hood. I been keepin’ a low profile this week. Behavin’ myself for a change. Maybe I’ll even tutor some kids for kicks.

Yeah, absolutely nothin’ new this week. Just a dull, dull week around this pluckin’ joint. I read some Cosmo magazines, and caught up on some Oprah video I was behind on. I think I even knit my aunt a set of leg warmers. Tame stuff…

What?? Ya say I look different this week?? What the pluck are ya talkin’ about????

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!

Charlie looks like he has every other cotton-pickin’ week, you near-sighted hairless monkey!!!

Aw, crappy doodles….

Busted…

Alright, so I had a little “elective surgery”. The copy of Cosmo I read had an article that said that chicks still dig a full head of hair. I ain’t ever been all that hairy on the roof, so I HAD to get creative. I found a ad in the phone book for hair augmentation, so voila! Charlie with a bouffant!! Wattaya think??

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I got a bit a danger to me now – a toucha wild man. And lemme tell ya – so far, the chicks dig it!! If I learn howta play guitar, all you featherless homeboy sapiens better get friendly with the Maytag repairman – there won’t be any chicks left for the rest of ya!!!

Maybe I should add one of them growths under my chin…

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!

Cluck for now!!

OOPS!! Forgot The Puppet!!!

Despite my repeated protestations, September continues to speed by. No regard for my feelings, this hasty month!

Here we are, already the freakin’ 13th!! Did September become unionized, or something??? Can’t it be more like August, and take some time to kick back a little???

At the rate this month is flying by, we’ll be carving pumpkins in no time – picking the ants out of Santa’s beard, before we place him on the stairs.

SLOW DOWN, SEPTEMBER!!!! I’m warning you – I need more time to embrace this month.

Although, is there anything you really miss in September? It’s not technically fall, and it sure ain’t summer – the temperature outside today was 1 degree Celsius!! Even Beluga whales like their water warmer than that…

So, would I miss much if September continued to careen along its current hasty linear timeline? Sure, the trees change color, and go through instant balding. National Squirrel Month would be here sooner. And my lawn may rebound from the summer scorching. I suppose I should have watered it once or twice, like my neighbors kept doing…

So, there you have it. I am coming to terms with this sprinting month. Go by quickly September, if that’s what floats your boat. See if I care.

I’ll be too busy watching the new fall TV season to give a rat’s patootie…

Chow for now!!

The rain (last night) fell mainly on the plain, and went down the drain.

By George, I think I got it!!

Yessir, boys and girls, it rained cats and dogs here last night. As a matter of fact, it’s still coming down right now. An abundance of wet – a gaggle of rain drops. When we leave later this morning, will they keep falling on my head??

Hope it’s not Kentucky Rain. That stuff keeps falling down.

If it does, who’ll stop the rain?? Still I wonder…

Have YOU ever seen the rain? I mean, it’s not like rain is something out of the ordinary, so of course you’ve probably seen the rain…

Whatever. I don’t know why I’m being so weird this morning. Must be that rainy day feeling again. You know – it’s raining, it’s pouring, Mrs. That Dan Guy is snoring…

What is pretty cool is listening to the rhythm of the pouring rain. Very rhythmic.

It is supposed to warm up later today, so likely the rain, rain will go away, but you never know - it might come back another day. What can you do? Rain’s like that.

At least it’s normal rain. I’d be worried if it was like, red rain or something freaky like that.

And, on the plus side, there’s no thunder n lightnin’. Frightenin’…

If it was raining here, was it also a rainy night in Georgia? And really, why would I even need to know that??

Better pack it in for today. I’m totally losing it, and I don’t want to upset anybody with this aimless rant. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for blue eyes, crying in the rain…

Chow for now!!

Has there ever been an alternate design for the common office paper clip?? They’ve looked the same to me for years, but surely someone didn’t get out of bed one morning, twist a piece of wire, and become the richest joiner of loose papers in history…

If I had been left to invent the paper clip, it probably would have looked more like a slag of molten metal, to act more as a paperweight, than a paper gatherer and collector.

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen some of the creative solutions I’ve come up with for different conundrums, over the years.

And how I wish I could come up with even just a couple of examples, but for the love of Pete, I’m just waking up here. I haven’t even finished my FIRST cup of coffee, let alone swept the bulk of the cobwebs out of my brain.

So, rather than regale you with witty commentary of the nutty things I’ve done (and had come back to bite me in the ass), I’m giving you this little teaser.

Frankly, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened more often, in over 550 postings. No, I get up, I prop one or more of my bleary eyes open, and eventually rumble up the stairs (early morning natural gas) to try and compose this drivel.

Wait, where was I? Was I still talking about paper clips? Was I trying to elicit sympathy for something that nobody is FORCING me to do? Or was I just trying to delicately confess to being a small part of global warming in the morning??

How did I get so far off track this morning?? I’ve lost my moral compass. No, that’s not even right. I’ve lost something though… I should start leaving bread scraps along the way…

At any rate – paper clips. What a modern wonder. No slight to staples, but for joining pieces of paper, how would we live without them???

Chow for now!

Holy Tomato Paste, Batman…what the heck is happening to September???

Today is the flippin’ 10th already!!! Is September in some sort of foot race?? Does it have somewhere to be by a certain date?? Or is it just that with summer pretty much over now, the calendar gods just feel hey, why should days linger lazily anymore??

Or, am I the only one here with a) wrinkled knuckles, and b) a feeling that the month is flying by at warp speed????

Now I’m starting to feel guilty about watching Britney Spear’s lip-synched return last night. Those were 15 minutes I could have been tilling the garden, or finishing up my 3-D paper-maché model of Saskatchewan. No matter how hard I try, it still just looks like a rectangular pancake…

And how about that performance?? The news channels are already gong on about how she looked like she had walked into a wall several times, and it was painfully obvious at several points when she was desperately trying to remember the words, that her voice was still coming out of the speakers, clear as a bell.

Stick a fork in her folks, I think she’s done!!

But I’m digressing here. Why on earth does time have to fly, when it can take a Greyhound for considerably less money? Can’t I enjoy the days just a little bit more?? By tomorrow, it’ll be the end of the month, and I’ll have to start planning my annual "Birds Of Prey" Halloween costume yet again.

Slow down, Month. I’m warning you!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

I’m not sure if anybody out there can help me with this, but I’m looking for some sort of cream that actually does remove wrinkles.

I’ve noticed over the last little while that all of my knuckles have become completely surrounded by wrinkles. Every freakin’ finger!!

As hands are generally visible all day, I’m starting to get totally paranoid about how my hands look, with all of those pruny fingers. And the wrinkles are deep, man. Craters…

So, yet another life crisis. You just get used to dealing with nature’s creative methods of ventilating the back of your head, and then this! Laugh lines on your flippin’ knuckles!!! What’s next, big fleshy puckering on your elbows and knees?


HEY!!!


Omigod, I’ve got big fleshy puckering on my elbows and knees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m melting down!! I see a bright white light!!


HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be 15 again, and riding my red CCM bicycle long a carefree trail in the woods.

Although, there are wolves in the woods, look at poor Little Red Riding Hoodie.

Was there ever a carefree time in my life?? This is becoming really troubling. Curse you, wrinkled fingers, curse you!!!

I need another coffee…


Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

CANNIBALS!!!!!!

I live among meat-eatin’ cannibals!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!!!

Welcome, fleshy readers. Just happy to be here today, seein’ as how my roommates are plottin’ my untimely demise. Will ole Charlie be soup, or skewer?? Cluck me!!!

You can live among people, and never really know ‘em. Here I thought I was getting’ a free pass, as the resident chicken philosopher. Now, I see I’m future chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie. I’m just happy Mama Wings didn’t live to see the tragedy of this day…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, I gotta sleep with one eye open. I may have to hire a watchdog, to look after my best interest (and valuable pinfeathers).

All along, I thought I had friends here. I though Banjo Boy just slobbered in his sleep, now I see he’s dreamin’ of Chicken Royale!! I don’t wanna drown in fettucini sauce!! I got my pride!!

What the cluck is this world comin’ to? Can’t humans be happy with cooked cows, and vegetables? Save A Chicken, Fry A Fish!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Man, my comb is getting’ droopy. I’m losin’ the will to live… When will the axe fall?? I’ve heard all about that “chicken with his head cut off” claptrap, now I gotta be fast as a roadrunner, so it don’t happen to me!!! What’ll happen to my kids????? Woe is me!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!

Self defense. That’s the ticket. They’d never convict me, if I showed them the evidence. It’s every chicken for hisself…

Cluck for now!!

I wonder sometimes if Chewbacca still has all his original hair. Wouldn’t Wookies eventually go bald, like anyone else?? There’s something unsettling about thinking that a giant hairy beast that can pilot a spacecraft may be wearing a toupee…

A toupee that looks like the daily hairstyle of The View’s Meredith Vieira…

Speaking of bad hairdos, I hear on the news this morning that Britney Spears is going to be launching her official comeback on a music awards show this weekend. Here at the Such Is Life household, we will be clearing our schedules to attend this event, albeit from the safety and comfort of our reclining sofa.

This performance could mark a musical highpoint of the year, like back when Friskies or whoever first launched that famous “Meow Meow Meow” song for their commercials. That tune was on everybody’s mind for years! Go Britney!! And don’t forget, it’s “yay yay yay yay” after every other lyric…

Wow, I’m all over the map this morning! And snarky! I should have finished my first cup of coffee before I jumped on board today.

Could be because I had such bad luck myself this week, at the Meredith Vieira Wig Factory. Her style just isn’t suited to a husky older fellow like myself. I look like that old stand-up comic, Emo Phillips, pictured above - for no apparent reason - at the start of this blog.

Bet you were wondering how I’d tie that in, eh???

Chow for now!!

The Return Of Fuzzball

With: "The Sound Of Summer" (granted the summer of 1967, but summer nonetheless).

Imagine if you will a little baseball cap on the sidewalk, for our furry busker...

Chow for now!!

The more I think about it, the more I find favorable comparisons, regarding my being a Pharaoh…

Considering that every bone in my body still aches from a simple garden shed set-up clearly indicates I could use limitless volunteers, to help with future projects like that. Even my corpuscles are throbbing, and they generally tend to be pretty resilient...

I then recalled that pharaohs are often bald. Well, I’m awful close. Like Yul Brynner in The Ten Commandments, nobody’s gonna call me Curly anytime soon. A few wayward sprigs just don’t hide the rooftop that much anymore…

Pharaohs are OK with snakes, and I don’t have a big problem with them either. As long as they’re behind glass, or in another country altogether.

Again, using Yul Brynner as my pharaoh role model, the ancient Egyptian rulers were fond of loincloths and elaborate neck dressings. Pretty much my attire at the start of each and every day. My staff sits beside the computer desk here…

Not my staff as in employees. My staff like rod and staff/walking stick/imperial piece of lengthy wood. No pharaoh worth his salt would be caught dead without a staff…

I really thought I had more tangible comparisons, but it is quickly becoming clear that I am stretching it, at the very least.

Regardless, it is the pharaoh’s life for me. So let it be written. So let it be Dan…

Chow for now!!

Long weekends tend to confuse me. Is today “Monday”, or “Tuesday”? Will “Friday” feel like “Saturday”?

Will I be able to type more than four words in a row this morning, without quotation marks?

Will I come to resent the next weekend, when it only consists of two (very short) days?

Seriously, I love my long weekends, but it really throws a monkey wrench into all the other ones. I don’t like them nearly as much as I do the longer ones. Sort-of how I like my monkey wrenches more than any of the non-monkey ones…

So how do you accept these extended weekend stretches as they were probably intended (boom sales periods for the liquor stores), without being absolutely miserable when a full week follows the next 2-day weekend??

Well, maybe you should trick your mind into thinking you’re NOT at work on a non-holiday. Pretend you’re at a lazy, warm beach, and kickin’ back in a lawn chair. As a matter of fact, bring your lawn chair to work on whatever day you feel should be the natural holiday.

Pack some hot dogs for lunch. I don’t know how you’d heat them up, I haven’t really thought this through that far. But some of those photocopiers get pretty hot after running for 20 minutes or so…

Wear your beach clothes – the ones that hang down past your knees and your crevasses like rapper pants. Don’t be afraid of a loud T-shirt, with statements like “My Coffee Cup Is Really Filled With Corona!!” Make your biggest decision on this non-holiday holiday whether you should wear a plaid bandana, or a baseball cap.

There you have it. Every week that isn’t legitimately awarding you a long weekend, can become one with simple amendments to your weekday.

Next week: dealing with the extended and/or permanent vacation that may follow this advice…

Chow for now!

I must be starting to lose what's left of my marbles....I thought I had brought home a green tea latte yesterday, but for the life of me, I couldn't find it anywhere...

Whatever.

So, I think I would have been very well suited to have been a Pharaoh. You know, one of those ancient Egyptian rulers that had thousands of volunteers working on pyramids and such.

Yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I spent an entire flippin' day, out in the hot sun. Not tanning or lounging - we had to erect a garden shed before late December, and yesterday was our day to do it.

So, with tools in hand, and a song in our hearts, we set about the task. First order of business, find a level piece of land in the roller coaster track that is our yard. Rather than in a corner, as we had hoped, the only level piece of dirt in our entire backyard ended up being directly in the middle.

So we laid the floor, and all was well - the sun was shining a bit brighter and hotter, but we still had a song in our hearts.

Then came the walls. Which as we fitted one piece into place, a previous section would fall apart. By the time we made it to the fourth side, the first side literally crashed to the ground. The second wall teetered, but only partially decomposed. And that ole sun, well, it really stretched out and shone. Like a space shuttle rocket, boosting away from the earth. Even our sweat was sweaty......

With some persuasion, and after a break sitting in our downstairs freezer, we were able to prop up the sidewalls with a variety of items, including but not limited to tennis racquets, and a copy of Dear Abby's Best Columns.

We were pleased to note that the roof went together exceedingly well, until the next page in the manual indicating a step we had not previously been made aware of, and had to dismantle half of both sides of the roof sections. The song in my heart was getting a bit darker...

The shed now stands completed. But if I had been a Pharoah, my volunteers would have had the joy of completing that task. And this morning, I wouldn't feel like a baked potato that had been shot down the street by a hockey stick.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Howdy-doo, mammals!! Pardon me, whilst I finish up my green tea latte…holy cluckin’ hen feathers – is this EVER A GOOD DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

So, last night the Banjo Buddies went to see Billy Bob Thornton, and didn’t take along ole Charlie. Here’s wishing them all he best with the flea circus I set free in their bedroom suite…

If there’s one actor I always thought I could relate to, it’s gotta be Billy Bob. He’s pluckin’ funnier than hell, and more than just a little bit crude on occasion. I’m funnier than hell, and often crude. Especially if somebody’s got an eye on my chicken wings!!

Plus, he’s a lady’s man, while I remain the original chick magnet.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Anyways, I woulda killed to be there, and see Mr. Bob. We coulda swapped stories about the best beer to have with chicken feed, or chatted about how he could hook me up with that Halle Berry hubba-hubba from one of his movies. I coulda been a roadie for him!!

I will not soon forget this, Evil Oppressor Of Poultry!!!

Anyways…say, this green tea latte is one swell swig of brew. I mean, it ain’t about to replace beer in my diet, but for a Sunday morning, to help prop up my battered soul, it hits the spot.

Hmm…should I ever use a sentence with the word “batter” in it???

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

The Saturday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Billy Bob Thornton.

(or, Why I Will NEVER Be A Professional Concert Reviewer)

Huh???

Billy Bob Thornton?? Bad Santa Thornton??

Oh yeah, boys and girls, THAT Billy Bob Thornton, who rolled into Calgary last night to kick some Cowtown ass. Musically anyway…

Some of you out there already know that he records. I wasn’t aware that he had FOUR albums out, but I had heard one of his earlier singles, “Angelina”, back when he was still married to Ms. Jolie. Not surprisingly, that song was not on the playlist last night…

What was on the playlist was an opening set of killer country rock – edgy and relentless. Hillbilly rock. Kick-ass country. One song even mashed together some Beatles, and The Who, as well as one Mott The Hoople cover a la hillbilly.

His band, The Boxcutters…no, that’s wrong. You’d never get on a plane with THAT name. The Boxmasters, I think. Could be The Boxmakers. At any rate, something boxy…

Billy Bob & his Boxy Band were having a ball up there, and the crowd (sold out) was lovin’ every minute of it. For the record, he’s a chain smoker, and likes his bottles of beer while performing. If you see a show advertised for your area any time soon, get out there and see him. He may be running on borrowed time. Although in one of his trademark commentaries throughout the show, he did suggest that he’s heard from one two many Twinkie-eating doctors telling him to quit smoking, and he’s willing to bet there’s less chemicals in a cigarette than there are in your average Twinkie. The night was peppered throughout with his banter, as funny as you’d expect, but make no mistake – he’s dead serious about this music gig.

At any rate, first set was a killer. After a brief intermission, they returned, with a change of costumes (very liberally – more of a dressing-down for a grunge festival), and spent the next hour cranking out a hard rock set, of even better quality than the first hour. Among the originals and other gems, we were treated to a smokin’ cover of 70’s pop song “Hitching A Ride”, and a bit of a kick at Canada’s Avril Lavigne, when they couldn’t stop grinning through a run of the “I Want To Be Your Boyfriend” song she’s accused of plagiarizing.

I have to say, this was one terrific show. There were more tattoos onstage than at an L.A. Ink taping, and every time Billy Bob gave that famous half-grin and wink, the ladies went nuts. What can I say – the guy has charisma…

Two thumbs up!!

Chow for now (Charlie returns tomorrow morning)

What exactly does Chihuahua mean? I know that cucaracha (la cucaracha, la cucaracha) means cockroach, which makes a person wonder why you sing an upbeat little tune about a bug you can’t kill, even with an anvil…

However, does Chihuahua mean literally “tiny shaking canine”, or “timid dog barely larger than an obese rat”???

Personally, I favour dogs that I could sit at the bar and have a beer with…manly dogs. Give me a retriever or a German Shepard any day of the week. When I see those hairy little lap dogs, I can’t help but think how much more handy they’d be as the floor-end of a mop. I always start to look around for an empty broom handle…

I know I’m bucking the trend with that opinion. Lap dog are freakin’ everywhere now. Even steroid-enhanced Bunyans can be spotted on the street walking a little Shih Tzu. There’s something disturbing about a Macy Parade balloon out walking a dust-bunny that pees.

And why do these little dogs always have to have their flippin’ tongue hanging out? They’ve already got me lathered up by being so small and yappy, then they have to aggravate me even further by looking like a slobbery Swiffer??

Actually, now that I think about that comparison, they really do look like Swiffer dusters…wonder if there’s a glue factory somewhere…

Ah, I’m probably just imagining thing now…

At any rate, one man’s opinion. Me, I’ll always prefer a burly beast of a dog – the kind I could have help me with dry-walling a basement. Lapdogs – if they ever come up with a fashion accessory for kneecaps, I vote for a pair of them critters…

Chow for now!!

Hey, today I feel like a million bucks!!!

Anybody out there have enough to lend me something even close to that???? I’ve got my eye on a new fall jacket…

Anyhoo, after a few days of foggy head and overall inability to continue my relentless pursuit for the coveted gold belt in karate (very advanced), I awoke this morning to discover that my Herculean efforts to drive that funk away have been successful. The Zip-A-Dee is back in my Doo-Dah.

It’s funny, a weaker person may have been sidelined while overcoming this recent brush with Congestive Skull Space. Not me! I reached deep, deep down, and fought back like a wildcat, probably preventing a full-blown case of the sniffles from taking my life over.

Why doesn’t Oprah feel the need to highlight motivational stories like THIS? I mean, come on…you can only see John Travolta cry so many times – I’d have way more respect if he confessed to struggling with sinus swelling. It’s the human touch, boys and girls!!!

At any rate, I think I can finally close the door on this string of postings, and get back to the serious discipline and focus required for achieving my gold belt. Losing a couple of days of training may have already cost me dearly.

And all these recent accusations of being “overly-dramatic” in my battle to return to full health, well…let me just say that I wouldn’t wish a fuzzy head like I had to endure on my worst enemy. Or Justin Timberlake. MTDG, all is forgiven - you couldn't have known how stricken I truly was...

Today, the birds are singing a little louder, the sun is shining a bit more brightly, and even the air smells a little bit fresher.

Uh, except for just now…pardon me…

Chow for now!!

Alright, let the record show – I may have been incorporating a little “artistic license” regarding my health yesterday…

OK, maybe a lot of artistic license. Whatever it was, I did have a bit of a fuzzy head, so I exaggerated just a bit, for impact. If it was a cold coming on, it seems to be taking it’s merry old time.

There is also a possibility that I’m dealing with the changes in the atmospheric conditions at this altitude.

No, I don’t mean the second storey of our home – we’re close to the Rocky Mountains now, and some people react – even suffer from migraines, and yourgraines.

My precarious health yesterday could also have been due to the full moon the past few nights. For some reaon, I can’t sleep when there’s a full moon. I don’t exactly grow a face full of fur (like MTDG does), but I toss and turn, and end up awake until the wee hours of the morning. Which makes me susceptible to cold bugs and such. But apparently not sympathy…

At any rate, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ with it. I will soldier on, and try not to fish for compassion from readers out there in the hinterlands of The Google. While my keyboard may be stained by post-nasal drip, and my typing fingers weakened by fatigue, but I will be a rock. A pillar. A gazebo by a stormy lake.

Cough cough….

I’ll be OK….

Chow for now!!

For anyone just tuning in, my early-morning brush with pneumonia/whooping cough/woozy brain has engaged readers and their keyboards.

This is getting to be about as big an issue as the great James Blunt Rules/James Blunt Sucks debate a few months back.

As I recall, James Blunt ruled....

I seem to have a bit of a buzz this morning. Kind-of a mild headache, but not really a head ache. I think it may be a cold of some sort, trying to grab a foothold in my cranium.

My runny nose is another clue that this headache is less likely hangover than bug or virus. I hope I’m wrong, but as I’ve blown my nose three of four times in just two paragraphs worth of typing, so I’m inclined to think it truly is a cold.

Farfanuggen!!!

I am less than manly when it comes to having a cold. As a matter of fact, Mrs. That Dan Guy takes great pleasure out of snickering whenever I do blow my nose. Snickering due to the correlation between my nasal passage clearing, and the groaning I do immediately thereafter. Like I’ve not so much just expunged loose mucus, as I have battled hoards of demons with a soda straw…

I wasn’t even aware I did that, until one time she just burst out laughing. As I sat in my reclining chair, weak and traumatized from yet another hearty blast into a Kleenex, I was puzzled by her reaction – heartless to be honest.

She responded by suggesting that EVERY time I honk my beak, I moan like a bingo player who ended two numbers short on his or her card. While I know that’s completely RIDICULOUS, after time you just have to humour your partner, and agree with whatever looney-tune statements that they come up with. Otherwise they never bring you your slippers, or your newspaper, let alone light your pipe for you.

The thin line a person has to walk, while suffering (almost) in silence…

Chow for now!!

Holy Doodles!!

The next time I'm eager to try out new technology, I may want to preview what I put up beforehand...

The video clip I loaded here yesterday was about as painful to watch as...well, a root canal may have been a more pleasant way to spend the time...

If I had bothered to preview it, I would have maybe chosen not to post a clip where I looked like I'd just rolled out of bed, after a four-day Jack Daniels bender. I might have also had enough discretion to post something more rugged, like my running up the Rocky steps in Philadelphia.

NOT getting slobbered on by a hand puppet!!!

Oy.....
**********************************************************************************

Lots of TV season finales this weekend, for the summer season. We've had to say farewell for now to Mr. Gene Simmons and his wacky brood, along with a couple of HBO shows we enjoy. Unlike Tony Soprano, they'll at least be back next year...

Which means we must be getting close to the fall launch of the new season, and a plethora (bought that word at an auction- -finally had a chance to use it) of shows that hope to survive longer than one broadcast.

Can't wait....

I wonder if my hand puppet Fuzzball will get picked up by a network???

Hey, today's posting is as lame as yesterday's video clip!!

Chow for now!!!!

"Bad Ventriloquist"

A new feature on Blogger, I just couldn't resist adding in something to test it out.

I may live to regret this...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

“I’ll take Cruel & Unusual Punishment for $200, Alex”

Yeah, that’s me, yer ole pal Charlie – cooped up in the pluckin’ back yard of Banjo Boy. He had his sister in from Winterpeg visitin’, and he weren’t about to have me goofin’ around inside the house…

I guess I can’t blame him. He was pretty pissed about the videos I posted on the inner-net from the last couple visitin’ here from Manny-toba. Whoo-Hoo!!!!! I love my hidden webcams!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

Yeah, so rather than trust me to behave, I’m cooped outside like some sorta common barnyard poultry. In this weather!! I coulda froze to death out there!! And I’ll tell ya, a couple of times I could barely feel my chicken nuggets…

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

At any rate, this is all fodder for my book deal: “Poultry Prison- One Chicken’s Wrongful Imprisonment”. It’ll detail my embarrassment what with neighbors lookin’ at me while they barbecued, and my brave fight against mosquitoes the size of fighter jets.

The heartless bastard didn’t even leave me a magazine to read while I was out there! It was hard time, I tell ya!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

Anyways…

I’m back in now, and ole Banjo Boy’s gonna find a little something special the next time he rolls into his comfy bed.

And I repositioned a few of those webcams, so if he was upset before, he’s gonna be cluckin’ surprised the next time he goes online!!

Cluck for now!!

I see that we’re a little bit behind on our TV viewing. Gene Simmons’ “Family Jewels” in particular.

We caught the season finale last night, on a recording.

What a hoot! Still one of my favorite shows on TV, but I also eat peanut butter 365 days a year – that may be impairing my judgment just a shade…

At any rate, in this season’s ender, Gene and his wacky clan had to go to Las Vegas for a wedding. Enter my man Carrot Top (and again, bear in mind the liberal amounts of peanut butter clogging my brain pores). Hello, hilarity!!

Hmmm. Carrot Top…Las Vegas…Luxor…

Just sayin’…..

At any rate, and there’s no reason whatsoever to assume this didn’t really happen, Mr. Simmons somehow managed to glue a 12” “back massager” to the palm of his hand, while fiddling around with one of Carrot Top’s gags. The episode was classic comedy – even Laurel & Hardy would have been impressed.

Well, maybe a bit offended as well, but you have to be impressed by a Krazy-glued “back massager” as it spent the next day with Gene and his family.

I’m being really vague here in case you as well may have had to wait to watch the episode. You won’t be disappointed – it is FUNNY!

However, now that I’ve built it up, you’ll have to seek it out and watch it yourself. Me, I’ve got a pair of toast with peanut butter slathered liberally onto that I need to address.

To my mouth!!!

Chow for now!!

The general consensus around here is that we’ve been kinda ripped off – it’s gone from the blazingly hot weeks of summer we were enduring, to an immediate and abrupt fall. Autumn. No longer summa. The only thing missing is the leaves changing colours.

I can’t complain. I like my heat when I’m on holidays, NOT while I’m sweltering in my house. I tend to prefer these more temperate temperatures, more tempting to me than temporary heat waves.

I promise, one or more of these paragraphs will eventually make sense…

At any rate, for my sister’s visit, it has been temperate. Or tolerable. Not tempestuous. Maybe even a bit tepid.

All of which has made the house quite livable. It would have been hard explaining my slathers of body mayonnaise if had been over 30 degrees in here. But boy, does that EVER cool you down…

So, this being just the last week of August, will we get more high temperatures, or are we truly sliding down the hill into fall? I for one frankly just don’t care.

Sweat is totally overrated…

Chow for now!!

We’re just in the tail end of a family visit – my sister is in town.

And, the weather here has almost been cooperative. We've had just enough opportunity to squeeze in a quick BBQ –but even that had the threat of a rainfall imminent during the entire cooking of the meal.

Yes, our infamous psychotic Calgary weather has been in full bloom for her visit – bright and sunny in the morning – gloomy and storm-threatening the rest of the day. It feels more like late fall than the last few weeks of summer. I’ve even noticed an increase in the amount of street hockey games going on in our neighborhood – the ice pack is just about perfect!!

We’ve filled her visit with what I like to call drive-by sightseeing. We’re squeezing in so much more by just flashing by local landmarks, or pointing them out at a distance. For example, we can SEE Canada Olympic Park from our back yard, so why actually drive up to it??

Imagine how much a person could save if they just sailed past the ancient ruins of Greece, or looked at pictures of The Eiffel Tower?? This could be the start of something huge in rapid tourism!!

One thing we did actually get inside of yesterday was our local IKEA. That’s right, IKEA. My apologies if you live in a community without one – they are a modern wonder, with the bonus of fresh Swedish meatballs.

After three hours inside yesterday, we emerged with one of the coolest cheese graters you’ll ever see.

SCORE!!

Sorry, I was watching one of those street hockey games…

Chow for now!!

I think it's time to consider getting a new computer...

I start out to do these wacky bloggy things every day about the same time, and once in a while, it works out just fine.

Most times, the computer fails to load. It fails to boot. It needs a good strong boot in the ......

Or, it will freeze while I'm working on something. Or, it will freeze while I'm not working on something. I'm either going to buy a new computer, or a blowtorch...

Not to mention that Mr. Gates no longer supports the antiquated operating system I bought a couple of years ago. That has now been "replaced", and his acreage estate requires fresh astro-turf, which requires little guys like me to "replace" a perfectly fine operating system.

I love technology....

Chow for now!!

Contaminated carrots!!!

I read an article this weekend about carrots from Mexico being tainted with some weird-ass virus. Not too long ago one brand or another of lettuce was recalled, for the same reason.

It all just proves my theory - that this alleged "health food" ain't healthy AT ALL!!!! I mean, come on - how many rabbits or heads of cattle do you see doing the Cha-Cha, or writing books? Exactly!! Zip!! Zipp-o!! They are waaay too whacked out on tainted vegetables to maintain a coherent thought!!

In stark contrast, how many bags of pretzels have been recalled recently?? None that I can recall...

When was the last time Frito-Lay warned the public about cholera in any of their products? NEVER!!

If you want a healthy food product, make sure it comes from a vacuum-packed bag, and NOT some field where bugs and viruses grow like prairie weeds. Seriously, there's bugs and worms in dirt!! How healthy can that be??

I want to know when I open a package of Cheese Doodles that my food product has been carefully cultivated in a lab, with artificial colors and tastes - with no measurable levels of broccoli or tuna flakes.

I want to know that when I dip an Oreo cookie into a glass of milk (granted - a natural food, but filtered through Bessie), there's not a hint of offensive fruit or vegetable anywhere around.

It all about the health!!

Chow for now!