I can't be sure about this, and I will admit that I could just be imagining things - but I think I hear tapping from inside some of the eggs we have stored in our refrigerator.

Can that be possible? I mean, we do keep it rather cool in there, so potential new chickens might find it too cold for their liking. Truth be cold, maybe they're not knocking on the shell - could be it's just their knees knocking. Or teeth chattering.

I should buy some fresh ones, and put these out for garbage day...

Chow for now!!

If an apple a day can keep the doctor away, do ambulances even bother attending 911 calls from orchardists?

As a diabetic, I am entirely distressed that I need a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down…

“Early to bed, early to rise, makes a person healthy, wealthy and wise.” That could almost explain the Paris Hilton phenomenon, aside for the wise part…

Carrots are good for your eyes, unless poked directly into them.

“I’m strong to the finish, cause I eats me spinach” Really, Popeye? Are you sure you might not be slipping a few little blue pills into that meal plan as well??

Healthy thoughts, to help start your day…

Chow for now!!

It’s been spring here the past few weeks, and I have to say – it’s delightful!

Uncharacteristic for Canada in January, we’ve had daily temperature well above zero, and I think I’m even starting to see new blooms popping up in our flowerbed! I’ll be darned if I can’t hear awakening bear yawns while I sit on my verandah at night, and whittle as I whistle! Of course, that could just be Mrs. that Dan Guy's reaction to our chili dinners...

A person could get used to this. Sure, I’ve got designer parkas in three different colours, long underwear thick enough to stop a bullet, and an inborn desire to ice skate on frozen ponds just like any other crazy Canuck – but if a bit of well-timed seasonal global warming defrosts a month or two here in the continental drift we normally refer to our friends and neighbours as “colder than a meat-locker in Siberia” – who am I to complain?

Think of all the money we’ll save not flying off to Florida, or Hawaii! Why bother, when I can work up a healthy sweat mowing my Canadian lawn – in January!!

Ohh la la!!

Keep it comin’, Mother Nature!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Presents:

“The Tonight Show”, starring Charlie Chicken…

Charlie’s guests tonight – Eggbert, Coop Anderson, and a musical performance by “Shake N Bake”…

And now…HEEEEEERE’S CHARLIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Thang Q…

Thang Q…

Please ladies and gentlemens – please…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, did you hear about Snow White’s brother? What was his name again??

Egg White!! Get the yolk???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Man, is it hot out there. It’s been so hot…

(HOW HOT IS IT???)

It’s so hot that NBC executives are looking forward to the continued cold front between Jay & Conan!!

(sound of crickets chirping)

Whoa! Tough room! I feel as as welcome as Col. Sanders attending a Chickens Anonymous meeting…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey folks, we got a great show tonight. We’ll be right back!!

Cluck for now!!

I’m getting a little bit giddy – so giddy, I don’t think I’m even going to wade into this ongoing late-nite talk show debacle this morning (although according to a report in The Calgary Herald this morning, Conan’s last Tonight Show will be Jan 22, and Leno has re-signed to start hosting the show after the Olympics – at least that’s the latest scuttlebutt).

I’m testing some recording gear for an upcoming column/podcast installment of my “Talkin’ Funny With” series. If this works, it will open a whole new direction. I’m crossing my fingers.

Hey, I know I said I wouldn’t weigh in on the late-nite thingy, but we watched Craig Ferguson last night, and while he did briefly address it himself a couple of times, he was far more impassioned berating Rush Limbaugh for recent idiotic comments, and urging viewers to help any way they can with the recovery efforts in Haiti.

Like he said, there are far more important issues in the world today than which middle-aged white guy will be hosting a late-nite gabfest.

Yessir...

Chow for now!!

Forgot to make my predictions - scroll down to read today's actual post:

I predict Conan will disappear from NBC even before Leno's projected departure prior to the Olympics. I know he's getting screwed, but he's also showing a lack of class in his handling of the situation, and he miscalculated his own popularity before he pushed his way into The Tonight Show hosting gig.

I predict Leno WILL fail if he gets The Tonight Show back - this has been one ugly mess, but a gold mine for viewers of every show poking fun at the situation.

That's my though, for what it's worth.

I was out most of the day, well into the evening last night, plus I’m getting ready to head out shortly for the morning today.

But I wanted to make one last comment (for today) on this late-nite mess going on over at NBC, and spilling out into all the other talk shows.

Regardless of who may or may not be the funniest person in late-nite (dead tie between Letterman & Craig Ferguson), it is kind of funny to see history being conveniently rewritten by “victim” Conan O’Brien.

Back before Jay had to agree to surrender The Tonight Show to Archie Andrews on growth hormones, Leno was the long-running late-nite ratings leader. NBC was quite happy to push him out to pasture, despite his intent to run the show as long as Johnny Carson had. It was only when ALL the other networks came calling to put him in a competitive timeslot against Red Toothpick, that NBC concocted this disastrous prime-time slot.

Now, we keep hearing that The Jay Leno Show had lousy ratings. Even this writer can’t seem to contain his bias, when presenting cold hard facts:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100113/entertainment/tv_us_leno_o_brien

Leno - 5 million viewers.

O’Brien – 2.5 million viewers, after 7 months trotting out his brand of TV.

If the numbers were reversed, it wouldn’t be Conan who was being asked to move to a later time slot. He just ain’t cuttin’ it folks – and as poorly as those dimwitted execs at NBC are acting, numbers don’t lie.

Hosts crying fowl do seem to, though…

Chow for now!!

I can see why that old phrase about “watching a train wreck” is so true. Horrific as it may be, you are compelled to keep watching.

Take, for example, the ongoing late-nite talk show feud. Nasty as it is becoming, the hosts are sure having fun trying to make the best of a bad situation.

Leno was nowhere to be found last night but to be fair, I may have missed his early broadcast before I remembered to set the recorder.

Letterman is the proverbial cat that ate the canary – he’s loving every minute of the suffering over at NBC. You can almost hear that MacDonald’s theme song ("I'm Loving It") after every wisecrack he makes. But I think it’s pretty clear as well that even though he wouldn’t go back to NBC on a dare, not getting The Tonight Show host spot (again) still bothers him.

Hey, his sore spot, our bonus as his lengthy bits on the late-nite feud have been as hilarious as they have been bitingly right-on-the-money when it comes to the bad decisions from “the suits” at NBC.

As of last night, I also seem to believe that the patching up of his relationship with Leno may have been a bit over-estimated. Just sayin'...

Over at NBC, Conan is now on the record as unwilling to move to a later spot. Regardless of your opinion of Leno versus young blood messiah O’Brien, if The Tonight Show was doing even halfway-decent numbers in the ratings, that push from the execs to move to a later time slot wouldn’t even be on the table. Despite his ambitions, and his bald-faced attempt to push Leno out to pasture, it turns out Conan may not be up to the task of what he coveted. I say let him move over to Fox, or ABC, or Home & Garden TV – his take on a mess he’s primarily responsible for in the first place has just become nasty. Well, and pretty funny as well, but primarily nasty.

Who knows where the wind will blow? Will Conan end up on community television? Will Leno actually be able to return to his old time slot without having terminal amounts of egg on his face? Can Letterman possibly contain his glee over the whole damn thing as it spirals even further downward for the last-place network?

We’ll just have to see – none of this can be bad for ratings…

Chow for now!!

After the announcement over the weekend that NBC’s brilliant executive team had painted themselves into a corner, and had to shuffle their late-nite line-up, we couldn’t resist watching said late-nite shows, to see how the situation was being commented on, directly by the respective hosts.

If you haven’t heard (I know, The Bachelor can just consume your TV consciousness), NBC has axed the fledgling Jay Leno Show, and the solution seems to be bumping every show to a later time slot. Leno will move to a half hour slot at 11:30, followed by The Tonight Show, and then the other ones, which now become pre-Prime Time, for the next day’s programming.

Leno was first out of the gate, and you could see that he wasn’t exactly living la vida loca. Guest Bill Cosby made a wisecrack about the ratings, which Leno drove right around without addressing.

Later, Tonight Show host Conan O’Brien came across as angry at the network debacle, but hey – if he was doing all that great in the ratings himself, it might have been Leno taking a 3 AM timeslot.

Best coverage that we watched – Dave Letterman, alternately lampooning NBC and the various hosts, but also offering some suggestions to soothe all the fragile egos. He’s got the cat by the tail (not that I advocate taking cats by tails), standing outside the shoot-storm – well atop the ratings himself. He was hilarious in his observations.

How will this all wash out? Who will get kicked off of The Bachelor next? “Carson Daly Joins Good Morning America As Truncated Comedy Segment”? Who knows? Certainly not the programmer muckey-muks over at NBC..

Chow for now!!

Hmmmm.

01/11/10 – Even better than yesterday!

(BTW, my default font size always loads as “11” instead of the “12” I switch it to…)

**********************************************************************************

We’re currently enjoying one of those delightful Chinook weather systems, unique to the Alberta area. Temperatures the past few days here have been well in the above-Zero range, rather than the typical seasonal -2700°Celsius. I even saw a snow fox the other day with a buzz-cut, working on his tan. This is sweet stuff.

Unless you operate a ski hill, skating rink, or igloo renovation company, I suppose. Those sorts of folks must be standing at their living room window this morning, shaking their fists and cursing the weather. Spilling coffee on the carpet. Spittle on the blinds.

Personally, I can live with the warming trend, as opposed to the typical frostbite we’re trying to ward off this time of year here in Canada.

I may even plan a picnic for tonight. I’m sure I saw a sprig of grass poking out from under the snow in the backyard…

Chow for now!!

Hmmm…

01/10/10…

Me likey!

******************************************************************

Recently, my column in REM (Real Estate Magazine) has been added to their online content. As this is a column (and magazine) for Realtors, I haven’t steered readers here to the site.

But this month’s column is pretty generic – anyone might be able to relate to the topic, especially if you’re having a Sunday family get-together.

Try this link:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=4357

Or you can just go to www.remonline.com and that column (plus more) are located under “Opinions”. This is my longest-running column (and national), since 2000.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Y-A-W-N…

Well, I guess Christmas is offishully over. Time ta start takin’ down decorashuns, an that…

Done for another year, back ta tha same ole drab décor we look at all year round…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, gonna put all those ratty ole decorashuns back in their boxes, and cram ‘em inta tha attic – where spiders can crawl around and protect them with webbin’…

An muffle their snorin'...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now!

If I were the mayor of the forest, I would initiate some common sense changes, to make the woods safer for us humans when we trek through them.

First off, I’d ask the carnivores to “just say no” when it comes to devouring humans. Come on, there’s all sorts of animals out there for them to chew on, why do they need to gnaw off one of our arms? As part of the non-devouring agreement, we may have to agree to quit shooting them for rugs and fur coats.

Second, some basic hygiene changes. It’s bad enough that lazy dog owners can’t clean up after their beasts crap all over the place, but wild animal scat is DISGUSTING to step into. One simple solution would be to identify gopher holes that the animals could poop down, and cover with fallen leaves. Sure, the gophers would have to adapt, but not everybody can be a winner when the status quo changes…

Finally, I’d request more public appearances from the wild animals. How exciting is it when you spot a deer, a coyote, or a unicorn in the wild? But it can be so infrequent. My thought is that with a bit of basic training, the animals could appear together (maybe not with their natural predators), and put on some sort of small performance. Maybe a tap number, or even just running and jumping over obstacles.

There you have it. If I were mayor of the forest…

Chow for now!!

Does grass hibernate? I mean, it spends the entire winter covered in snow (at least here in Canada), which sure saves on mowing for a few months.

But what EXACTLY does the grass do, while winter embraces it in a lingering blanket of white? Does it go on a virtual vacation, visiting family blades in warmer climes? Does it have to hold its breath until March?

Or does grass experience what celebrities like Walt Disney & the late Michael Jackson had hoped to achieve – a state of cryogenic suspended animation, until Spring returns, perking the lawn back up from a drowsy slumber, and releasing the hordes of ants that will ultimately chew a home into it.

Say, that brings up another good point – what about ants, or worms for that matter?

Oh brother, I think I’ve opened a can or worms now…

I better go hit The Google…

Chow for now!!

You know what I dislike? Light, lazy snow. The kind that can’t make up its flipping mind – either it has to fall, or quit falling, but it does neither – falling and stopping at random intervals.

You can go out and shovel, and minutes later, there is more all over the driveway and sidewalk. Not lots, but enough that you feel you have to go back out AGAIN, and shovel the blasted thing one more time.

Until you get back in the house, peel off your long underwear, settle in with a nice hot chocolate…then glance outside and see that it has snowed lightly AGAIN!!

Not a lot, but enough that you feel that you have to go back out yet AGAIN, just to clear the skiff on the concrete.

But this time, you don’t. You just sit in front of the living room window, and glare at it, with a burning ferociousness. It won’t melt, but it still feels good.

And then, you go back out to shovel one last time. Until it snows again straightaway afterwards…

This is when you Google homes in Hawaii. Or Brazil.

Chow for now!!

I understand that Apple may be launching a new “tablet” computer this month.

As much as I want to begin what I expect will be a life-long love affair with Apple, I’m not so sure that I’d be happy with something as small as a tablet. I mean, this net-book I use right now is small enough as it is, but a tablet?? Like a capsule, or an Aspirin??

Egads man…

Chow for now!!

Great.

Now I have to Google “facial rash”. I must have either had something that I was allergic to yesterday during one of our meals, or I’ve started to grow fish scales on either side of my chin.

Either way, it ain’t pretty.

Happy freakin’ New Year indeed…

Chow for now!

Simple Wishes For This New Year (Well, really pretty much “used” already, what with several days having already passed…)

1) I wish that the upside-down ketchup bottles NEVER get retired – they are awesome.

2) I wish that peanut butter grew on trees, small trees like those fancy bonsai varieties, that I could keep right beside the bed so that I could just reach over in the morning when I wake up, and help myself to a handful of deliciousness.

3) I wish that this stupid net-book had a keyboard bigger than the one they designed for sparrow fingers.

4) I wish that I could spend just one day with Spiderman, to get a look at those holes in his hands, where the webbing comes out.

5) I wish that I was in Hawaii, whenever snow falls in Canada.

6) I wish that I could figure out who was pulling my hairs out overnight, whilst I sleep.

7) I wish that we had a pet gorilla.

Looks like that will have to do. For now.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Oh –oh…

Uh…hello humans…

I kin explain…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

OK, there’s a very logical explanation for my being stuck in a paper shredder here this mornin’.

I, uh…thought it was a hot tub! Yeah, yeah…that’s the ticket…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I forgot to put on my cluckin’ glasses this mornin’, so I missed the hot tub by a room or two.

It coulda happened to anyone…

Muppet clucker…

Well, how’s YER mornin’ goin’? What’s the weather like? Did ya sleep well??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Say, if ya get a chance, can I get ya ta call a paramedic or sumthin’? I think my knuckles is getting close ta the blades. Maybe if I swing around, I can unplug this blasted contraption…

Man, I could really use a reset button this mornin’…

Cluck for now! Don’t worry about me! Ole Charlie will be just fine here! You go on and go about your day now…

Muppet clucker…

Ooooh….

01 01 10…Me likey…

So, apparently The Black-Eyed Peas have a new song, called “Imma Be”. They sang it last night on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve (Starring Toothy Seacrest).

As we were chewing on popcorn and watching the show, I just naturally assumed that Fergie and the gang were crooning “I’m a Pea”, which made perfect sense if you think about it, what with them collectively being called The Black-Eyed Peas…

I did learn the errors of my assumptions this morning, after a quick Google search. It is in fact “Imma Be”. I stand corrected already, and it’s only January 1^st. Excellent…

It was cool seeing all the sights we are now familiar with, in Times Square. The pic I loaded back up there of Pea beat-master will.i.am is actually from a Mandela Day concert we attended in Radio City Music Hall – he was just one in a literal galaxy of stars paying tribute to Mandela. Not that far from where the live broadcast last night was recorded.

Now, we MUST attend at least one New Year’s eve celebration in NYC, before Mrs. That Dan Guy is too old to travel…

HAPPY NEW YEAR, my tens of sporadic readers!!

Chow for now!!