Refrigerator CSI:

Episode 1 – The team attempts to identify what may once have been a food product, but now looks like a putting green in a Tupperware container. A putting green with what appears to be a pulse…

Episode 2 – The team analyzes large suspended blobules in a milk container, in the hopes of discovering why the entire carton hasn’t attained the consistency of petrified matter.

Episode 3 – The team profiles the apparent twisted and mono-chromatic mind of a certain Dr. Seuss – whose fridge contains green eggs, green ham, green cheese, and remnants of leprechaun…

Episode 4 – A package of ground beef quietly whistling “Give Me A Home, Where the Buffalo Roam” perplexes the team.

Episode 5 – Carbon-dating fails to identify the age of a bag of celery releasing noxious fumes, on the season finale…

Chow for now!

I don’t have a problem with Roman numerals – I just don’t care for those puffy horsehair helmets they insist on wearing all the time…

Chow for now…

Chicken Scratch

(Posted with shivering chicken fingers by frosty weekend guest blogger, Charlie Chicken…)

CLUCK ME!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Snow?? Are ya cluckin’ kiddin’ me?????

This is almost June, fer cluck’s sake!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Batter my giblets and call me deep-fried…what the doodles does this mean?? Is there gonna be a plague of locusts next?

An’ it’s not only snow-covered, it’s snow comin’ down like there wuzza sale on the stuff. I’ll be cooped up in here all weekend, what with my avurshion ta wet knuckles.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

An’ ya wonder why I drink…

I could swear I heard rain deers onna roof lass night – but it musta been pigeons bangin’ their heads on tha shingles – even the worms is wearin’ overcoats when they pop up outta tha ground!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I’m goin’ back ta bed – see ya in August!

Cluck fer now…

Last night, we recorded and watched “Four Christmases”, the hit flick with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. This despite the apparent micro-brain programmers at Movie Central apparently being able to figure out that this is now almost summer, NOT Christmas.

Well, excuse our error:

http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1#p/a/u/0/pAqlDQLfaks

Turned out to be a very appropriate movie to watch…..

Chow for now!

Lasagna.

(Chow for now…)

Peter Scolari

“Newhart”

“Bosom Buddies”

*******************************************************************

So, once again I beg your indulgence.

Either change your feed today to “RSS” (usually a little orange symbol, or the actual letters somewhere on the screen) or click the link below:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/

Then you should be able to download and listen to an interview from last year with actor, producer and director Peter Scolari.

This was essentially the first interview in my “Talkin’ Funny With” series, and appeared in print in my weekly Kelowna column (which runs for the last time today).

For today, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!

Chow for now!!

Walloping Mallets Fall In 1^st Exhibition Matchup

It’s hard to say if the devastating loss of the Montreal Canadiens last night played heavily on the minds of The Walloping Mallets in their season-opener exhibition match loss. Frankly, it shouldn’t have, as the match was played in the early afternoon, long before the NHL semi-final.

Maybe as a rec league croquet team, the players were jointly worrying about the lawn still trying to re-grow, further away in the very yard the croquet course was set up in. How long does grass need to be nurtured along before it gets off its ass and sprouts??????

Ahem…

Most likely, it was the loss of team captain Angus “Hammer Time” Yoshima, who left the game after trying to mallet a competitor’s ball away into a corner, but instead seriously injured his own foot when the crocs he was wearing proved to be less sturdy than a croquet mallet swung at high speed.

If all goes well, his cast will come off in late June…

In the 27-3 loss, The Mallets certainly showed some early promise, but a clear inability to aim the croquet ball through rather large metal U-shaped hoops is going to have to be overcome, if this team hopes to make the playoffs. Less beer during the match might also be helpful.

The team loses home turf advantage for the next game, as they hit the road.

Chow.

For now…

Authorities are entirely indifferent to reports of a shady character recently seen buzzing around Cowtown.

Characterized by a polished forehead & scalp, hairline remnants - plus numerous jiggly chins, this dude has been seen recently aimlessly watering a portion of lawn near his home. Authorities have no explanation for his behavior, aside from presuming that constantly listening to Justin Bieber’s latest CD has possibly porridged his frontal lobes.

He is guilty of no apparent crimes, other than a tremendously inadequate attempt to look like actor Jack Nicholson.

Honey Nut Cheerios.

There was no reason imaginable to release this report…

Chow for now!!

(05 23 10….hmmm…“11” anybody???)

Hey, a colleague, amigo and fellow blogger/writer has bestowed an honour upon this space that she recently accepted at her own blog (one of two – follow the links – plus I think she also pens others):

http://writingonthewall-vaneck.blogspot.com/

I’ll take it. I’ll wear it proudly. After well over 1500-plus consecutive posts without Blogger intervening in the interests of good taste or reason, I would admit to being a prolific blogger. Any other descriptive will be left for history to decide, or my tens of readers.

I can say that this blog has expanding my writing into places I never expected, as a long-time “humour-only” scribbler. Now that my weekly column is homeless, hopefully it will soon post to other links that my “nonsense and stuff” occasionally appears – or I could just start listing the places it doesn’t:

Redbook

Saturday Evening Post

Chatelaine

Apples Of The Americas

Saskatchewan Farmer

Dear Penthouse…(no, wait…)

Smithsonian Monthly

Acne Digest

The Well-Dressed Nudist

Vanishing Eyebrows – Digest of Lasik Disasters

KFC Flyer, May 2009

IKEA Catalogue

Prairie Barns Magazine

Man, there may be more to list than I had expected….

Just keep stopping in, and there may be the odd announcement or two.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Mirrer mirrer on tha wall,

Whose da hunkiest chicken uvem all?

“Why, you, ole Charlie – was there any cluckin’ doubt??”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, ole Charlie has got tha package – rugged good looks, kerizma, an a certain inexplikkible sex appeal – tha chicks dig me!

An can ya blame ‘em? Look at the rise a my comb, and the playful curve a my beak – I’m practikally tha James Dean a tha poultry set!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

If I wuz a muse-ishun, I’d be a Jonas brother…

Frankly, it oughta be ill-eagle ta look this good! I should register my chiseled façade as a deadly weapon – of love!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

Alla which makes me wonder – how dya translate that sorta shinola inta yer online datin’ profile, an still remain your humble, adorable self??

Better try scribblin’ that out one more time…

Cluck fer now!

Next week will be a personal milestone for That Dan Guy. After a little over six and a half years, my weekly column in the Kelowna newspaper supplement will run a farewell edition. Lack of space will be the official cause of death.

As I say in the column, it seems like I’m writing an obituary, but far from it – I’m busier than ever with my writing, thankfully. I still enjoy a national column here in Canada, plus I hope my recent inroads within the Canwest chain (or whatever it will be called once the sale finalizes) continues.

Plus this will free me up to finalize a number of book projects, which is pretty exciting as well. It’s been some time since my last one – I think the Beatles were still together when that one came out.

What is even more exciting is the regular traffic heading over and downloading the interviews I’ve done this past year.

So, between my ramblings here (sorry, that will continue as well…), and other stuff I’m jamming into the pipeline, the silly will continue for the foreseeable future.

Yabba, dabba, and doo…

Chow for now!!

Ed Lobster was steamed. Crusty as the old crustacean may have been, when he read the headline in his local newspaper, he became literally boiling mad.

Ed Lobster worked at the local butter factory (no small sense of irony there, I suppose), and the newspaper outlined a plan by management to unilaterally alter a claws in the employees’ contract.

Umm, clause, I mean…

Going entirely against the intent of the collective agreement, management was intending to withdraw lunchtime hot tub privileges, negotiated during the last round of hard-fought…negotiations. This sudden change to the workers’ contract was likely to send all the lobsters on the roll (payroll) into the soup – maybe even inspire a boisterous strike. A work stoppage at the very least.

This wasn’t the first time that the Thermidor Butter Company had tinkered with a claws in the contract (clause…sorry…). A couple of years ago, Ed Lobster (union rep since 2006) had to remind his employers that they needed to be more compassionate when employees were crabbing about their lives to the HR department – even if that griping was frequently just one sad tail after another (tale, I mean. Goodness, what is wrong with me??)

Ed Lobster was steamed. Butter battle lines were being drawn – someone would have to crack…

Chow for now!!

I’m thinking of writing a grand rock opera, like classic rockers The Who used to roll out every other year back in the 1970’s.

Take for example their seminal classic “Tommy” – about a deaf, dumb, blind and obviously politically incorrect pinball wizard. My plan is to incorporate something similar, yet even more relatable, to millions upon millions of people.

“Tummy” would be a rock opera that anyone carrying a few extra pounds around the middle could relate to. It will be about a deft, plump kind boy, who sure plays a mean gumball. Or something like that. But the hook is that he’s overweight, which I hope to parlay into a marketing campaign with LA Weight Loss, and Jenny Craig T Nelson.

All I have left to do is write the script, the songs and overcome a few other hurdles – like convincing a group or theatre company to take it on.

I’ll get on that after breakfast….

Chow for now!!

This time of year, my focus turns to the rec league sports that I participate in. Well, sport, technically. I’m on a weeknight beer league croquet team – “The Walloping Mallets”.

I know – how do I find time in MY busy schedule to commit to a grueling season of competition? Well, thankfully we don’t play on any nights that “Glee” airs, so that clears up some VCR tape. Practices don’t typically last over two hours on any given evening, so that also allows me time to attend to more pressing items, like watering my lawn, and napping.

Croquet matches, such as they are, only ever last about 15 minutes or so, so game nights virtually fly by, unless we go into sudden-death overtime. On those occasions, you’re almost forced to set your beer down, and focus on the task at hand – which is walloping the croquet ball through the little wire hoops. Until it hits the little wooden stake, signifying you have crushed your competitors, and have edged ever closer to securing a playoff spot, later in the summer. Your endorsement deals pretty much ride on a successful playoff season – which is why I have ordered some DVDs off of the internet, to give our team an edge this season. I’m hoping there’s at least one tip on preventing those painful mallet welts on my palms.

Well, better run – I have to press my uniform. And pick up more beer.

Chow for now!!

Have I posted a link here yet to my latest REM (Real Estate Magazine) column? I don’t believe that I have…

I should confess that if you’re a regular reader of this here particular web-space, it may seem a bit familiar – although it has been tidied up a bit for general consumption:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=5508

That’s my story for a Monday morning, and I’m stickin’ to it…

Chow for now!!

Wild sprouts, flailingly madly off in all directions (apologies to terrific Canadian comic musician Lorne Elliott). Shoots and clumps firing skyward, leftward, and rightward, with no apparent sense of structure.

No, I’m not talking about the results of our recent lawn reseeding, which is doing just fine by the way, thanks for asking.

I’m describing the back of Mrs. That Dan Guy’s head, with her morning hair.

Egads, man…

Chow for now (hee hee hee…)

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

PRESS THA STOPS!!

PRESS THA STOPS!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

Holey pluck, my fuzzy little peeps – ole Charlie iz riled up this mornin’!

I wuz scroungin’ aroun fer sum snax lass nite, and what do I find? Side Dish, which looked like a nice little fit fer my…side dish. Upon closer inspecshun, I noticed the glazed breast in the upper portion of tha package – looks like this iz supposed ta be a side dish fer a healthy helpin’ – A CHICKEN!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

By the feathers on my chinny chin chin – I can’t eat ANYTHIN’ associated with my fellow poultries. Sure, ya could probably scoop it out alongside some pork or moo meat, but the point here is, these guys SPECIFICALLY single out us cluckers.

It ain’t rite!! It's wrong!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Bad enough I can’t eat batter no more, or many parmigiana options – now I can’t even trust innocent side dishes! They should hafta sell that stuff by the Shake N Bake, so we know it ain’t acceptable…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

This stinks. I gotta go make a picket sign, and figure out where I gotta go protest.

After my sunbath, mebbe…

Cluck fer now!

The Friday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But Here-I-Go-Anyway" entertainment review:

Workshop Theatre's "The Coarse Acting Show"

(or, Why I May Never Become A Professional Entertainment Reviewer...)

I can’t believe that as long as Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have been living in Calgary now, and as much as we get off the sofa and out to see shows when we can, the trip we made to the historic Pumphouse Theatre here last night was our first. Happily, it was a grand introduction.

Workshop Theatre is currently staging a production of Michael Green’s “The Coarse Acting Show” – a community theatre production lampooning community theatre productions. Imagine anything that could go wrong in an amateur staging – lines delivered out of sequence, stagehands wandering on to cavalierly adjust props while the actors are still in character forging on, “murdered” corpses having to place themselves onstage mid-scene – a literal basket full of boo-boos, intentionally.

You can’t help but think of the terrific little film from a few years back, “Waiting For Guffman”, where a similar theme frustrates a marquee director who struggles to coax along the amateur cast of his own production. The fun is in watching all the mishaps and items out of place – like wristwatches on cast members of a Moby Dick reenactment, or a pair of bright Crocs on the feet of a Roman citizen in Shakespeare’s “lost” play, “Julius & Cleopatra” – which also ends with a hearty Caucasian rap number.

The show opens with a classic British murder mystery, and sets the tone for the rest of the production right from the opening. A clearly unplugged phone rings away, forgotten lines are shouted out from the wings, and costume malfunctions ranging from moustaches to hairpieces constantly “plague” the hapless cast in each segment. If you’ve ever lived through a high school staging of “Fiddler On The Roof” as part of the largely invisible chorus, or are a member of a community theatre group yourself, you’ll crack up at this collection of faux pas and earnest bumbling. For anyone else, the comic effects just speak for themselves – funny, funny stuff…

“The Coarse Acting Show” runs at Calgary historic Pumphouse Theatre until May 15^th…

Chow for now!!

I had planned on posting a short video here this morning that I shot yesterday of a coyote foraging around the Calgary Airport area.

But instead, I offer you – a brief commentary on the 3-D Tim Burton film, “Alice In Wonderland”.

On a whim (alternate transportation option, only three wheels), Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to stop in and catch a movie the other day. Of the options available at the time, the only one that really appealed was that 3-D flick, our first modern 3-D experience (yes, we have NOT seen Avatar. Alert the media).

This was a movie that looked pretty interesting when it was first advertised, but not interesting enough to pry us away from TV episodes of “Glee”, and repeated spinnings of that delightful Justin Bieber CD.

However, after the first few minutes, the current version of the 3-D film experience knocked our socks off. I had been wearing sandals at the time, so I had to quickly put some socks on, so that they could be sufficiently knocked right off.

Wow!! Who knew?? The old technology was so lame, you couldn’t understand the haste with which moviemakers were now stampeding to develop more 3-D flickering pictures. But the screen literally popped out, in front of our very eyes. Technically, most screens are positioned in front of your eyes, but in a not-so-literal sense, the images were astoundingly popping out as us!

And, if you haven’t seen the film I’m talking about – well…it was wonderful as well. Two thumbs up. Love those Burton films.

Now, we wish we HAD seen Avatar, just for the 3-D effects. Maybe, if we’re really really lucky, one of those popular Hairy Potter films will magically reappear, in 3-D.

That, or maybe some classic episodes of Baywatch…

Chow for now!!

I’m pretty sure that there has to be an easier way to do this, but I’ve added a link in to a short excerpt from waaaaay back in 2007 – a wee snippet from a full presentation I put on for an annual AGM of the Kelowna Friends Of The Library:

http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1

Either click on the pasted link, or convert this to an RSS feed, and it should magically appear.

That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it…

Chow for now!!