Tuesdays brings the tears

Stage West Calgary
"Tuesdays With Morrie Review", Calgary Herald
Link to Jamie Far Interview

Tuesdays brings the tears

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

So…www.eHarmony.cluckfinder.webbernet …

Check.

Enter info:

“Single white poultry lookin’ fer fun-lovin’ hen with healthy plumage…”

Nah…gotta be open ta options…

“Single, dashingly handsome clucker lookin’ fer a hen that don’t fit tha desk-ription uvva cackle-brained egg-layer…”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sheesh – this online datin’ dialogue is difficult! How does a bird delicately exclude prudes and dimwits, without narrowin’ tha pool a options?

Mebbe I should work on my profile…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

“Refined bird, fine pedigree – six-pack slabs. Non-smoker, non-drinker, but I could pick up bad habits when I sleepwalk – just so’s ya know…”

OK, that’s better – but I think I need a hook – or at least more of one than I got on my beak…

“Heir of the Bayer Aspirin family fortune – I coulda been a real pill, but I’m humble even in the lap of lug-shurry. I prefer not ta show off, so if ya feel like just watchin’ TV on our date, I am hip ta that jive…”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

UGH – wut else do birds dig these days? A sense a humour? Romantical tendencies?

PFFFFFTTT!!!

Whoops! Probably a lacka gaseous emissions, I’ll bet!! Lay offa tha beans, Chuck…

OK, I need ta submit this – “funny, romantic, gassless bird seeks similar hen of the female variety, fer walks and talks. Must own reliable vehicle…”

Here goes nuthin’…

Cluck fer now!!

Ever feel like you’ve accidentally walked through some kind of time machine portal? Snooping around in HMV the other day, I thought it was still sometime in the mid-1970’s.

Featured albums on the display case by Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, and a new set of remastered music from John Lennon indicates that despite fears to the contrary, modern music isn’t a gaping pool of elephant vomit - as long as talented, enduring artists can still force a toe into the market. But I wonder if 30 or 40 years from now, you’ll still be able to find an album by some of the modern music industry heavyweights riding the top of the pop charts. Probably Lady Gaga, but that’s about it…

Once Bieber’s voice breaks, he’ll be e-mailing Donny Osmond for career advice. Ride the wave while you can, “stars”…

Chow for now!

Here’s a link to my latest real estate column – although subject-wise it could apply to darn-near any career you might choose:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=6614

If you don’t know someone like this, well...maybe you are one. Ask your friends.

Chow for now!!

If Elvis were still alive today, he’d probably be grinning a little bit at the redemptive irony of a current highly-popular TV show emulating the template of his 60’s movies – which despite making bucket-loads of money, often drew ridicule and considerations his career was over by critics.

Watching “Glee” last night, it hit me that the show is a lot like your average Elvis movie, with the characters bursting into song at the drop of a hat – sometimes without a hat even to be seen anywhere on the screen. If The Cat In The Hat were a guest star on the show, he would have to burst into song as well, which I suppose is better than bursting into flames.

Anyway, my point is that the formula sure seems to work for “Glee”, and despite historical revisionists suggesting otherwise, it worked pretty well for Presley as well.

I say we incorporate it into real life – may be you too could be “caught in a tap”!

Chow for now!!

If I live to be a thousand years old, I will never understand what possesses songwriters when they sit down to write a song.

Take for example the old Elvis Presley 70's classic “Suspicious Minds”. You’d think it would be about a relationship or something like that, but not when you consider the opening lines, clearly written about…water???

“We’re caught in a tap,

I can’t get out…”

Maybe it’s an allegory of some kind…

Turn on the tap, let that water flow!

Chow for now!

1700 Posts!

Consecutive, no less – 1700 posts without a single day missed – is that some sort of record? Who tracks that sort of thing?

Actually, my 1700^th post was yesterday, I failed to make a note in my daytimer, so of course, I missed it. Frankly, I expected Blogger might have sent a bouquet of roses, or some other small token of appreciation, for bringing tens of readers to their site over the last few years.

I won’t write that possibility off just yet, ever the optimist that I am. For the record, Google – I’m a big fan of those cookie bouquets…

Chow for now!!

How To Hang A Picture

1) First order of business, buy a picture. The following steps will be severely impeded without that single, essential element. NOTE: In addition to classic picture choices such as “Dogs Playing Poker”, you can now also choose from “Dogs Shooting Pool”, “Dogs Making Pasta”, and “Dogs Discussing Global Warming”.

2) Choose an appropriate blank space on an interior wall of your home. While it is indeed possible to hang a picture over existing pictures and/or picture windows, the best location will often be a new space. Plus nails tend to break glass picture windows, FYI…

3) Make sure that you have proper picture hanging hardware. Sure, you could just use a common nail, but often pictures can be heavy, like lead-coated cast iron. It is best to ensure that the picture you’ve taken the time to hang doesn’t fall down from the wall and get damaged, so consider a combination of screw and anchor, or even the added security of something like a railroad track spike. Landlords are very experienced at repairing or replacing drywall, so don’t fret about what the wall will look like after you and your pictures are gone.

4) Once a picture is securely hung, you must ensure that it is level, and therefore pleasing to the human eye. Agreed, a framed photo of Pamela Anderson will be pleasing to the human eye even if it’s as askew as her brainwaves, but to the average viewer (women), a level picture is rather mandatory. In the absence of owning a proper level tool, here’s a handy household tip, utilizing common items you will likely have right around your own home: Place a broom upside down against the wall where your new picture has been hung. Then, once that appears to be level against the side of the picture you have hung, get a mop, and place that alongside the bottom of the picture. This should achieve the same result you’d enjoy from one of those fancy, store-bought leveling tools.

5) Enjoy your new picture.

(Chow for now…)

Chicken Scratch

Starring bird-around-town, raconteur and all-around cyber-star Charlie Chicken.

(Editor’s Note: WRITTEN by Charlie Chicken…)

Shoppin’ Day! Time ta re-stock the stogie cabinet!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Whoo-hoo! Payday, time ta hit tha bricks, and pick up a few Cuban treets, or even just a el-cheap-o American stogie. I loves me tha smell a tabakko in tha mornin’.!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Mebbe I should get some pipe tobacco – add a touch a elegance ta this otherwise dull drivel! Kinda relay a Hue Hefner aura – hee hee..aura…sounds like Bora Bora…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

From ther cigar store, I gotta pick up some vino, in case my visit ta tha local tavern bears fruit, of the hen variety. Dashin’ as I is, a lil’ lubricant don’t hurt in tha wee hours of tha mornin’.

Plus, it all helps support my country, what with all tha tax grabs on these so-called “vices”. Or as I likes ta call them, the basics a life.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Better skitter – some clown is eye-ballin’ my favourite ninety-nine cent cigarillos!

Cluck fer now…

10 01 10 (technically 111)

Just watching The Price Is Right, with the new and improved, svelte Drew Carey. Reminded me of this old pic, taken with the more familiar version of the popular comic and game show host.

So, as Drew has shrunk before America’s eyes, my own weight has remained more…ummm…static.

Which could be due to:

1) Accidentally opening a package of soda crackers, and absent-mindedly nibbling on them until the entire package was consume d in one sitting.

2) Accidentally opening a package of Lay’s potato chips, and trying to prove Mark Messier wrong – which is absurd – you really can’t eat just one…

3) Failing miserably in my Oreo “Eating Order” research project (eat top first, eat bottom first, scarf down icing first like a giraffe licking dew off a treetop…there’s just no way that really feels the most right…)

4) Make the tragic mistake of getting into a peanut-eating contest with a cleverly disguised elephant, at the neighbourhood pub during Happy Hour…

5) Volunteer at a market research company the one night they are testing reactions to a new line of peanut butter-coated chicken wings.

Without several of those scenarios, just this past week, I’d be looking just as svelte as Mr. Carey… Yessir.

Chow for now!!

In the history of dubious (and extremely subjective) opinion polls, there are always the odd exceptions. I came across one of those this morning:

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/s/capress/100930/entertainment/music_top_cdn100_list

In an arbitrary list compiled by critics, fans and a third group I can’t remember after glancing at the article mere seconds ago, The Guess Who, from my hometown of Winnipeg topped a poll of the greatest Canadian singles. I couldn’t agree more. In their day, and actually still to this day, The Guess Who’s music was both exciting and a reflection of their collective love of not only their country, but their hometown. Some of their pretty patriotic ditties were also some of the best singles on the radio back in the 70’s, and still bring a smile even now, when you hear them somewhere along the way in your day. Hey hey…

There are a lot of great bands breaking out in Canada these days, and plenty of others that have been hoisted up onto a pedestal by critics and fans as well – but The Guess Who for me at least is truly deserving of this position on the list.

Just tell folks your Grandpa said so…

Chow for now!!

Hmmm….remarkable….

In one of those bizarre moments of coincidence that seem to constantly season my life, I came across this classic blog post (work with me…) from Sept 29, 2008 – where two years ago today I was waxing dreamily about Apple computers.

Well, today a brand-new Apple store has just opened in the remodeled Chinook Centre Mall.

Go figure…

http://thatdanguy.blogspot.com/2008/09/if-i-were-pressed-i-would-likely-have.html

And yes, still no Apple computer. Life can be sooo cruel…

Chow for now!!

Jamie Farr “Tuesdays With Morrie”

Stage West Calgary

So, we’re doing things sort-of backwards here this time around. I usually like to post my official newspaper review when it comes out, but it still has yet to run, so we’re going with the audio interview instead.

If you change your page view to an RSS feed, you should magically see a link appear to my podcast site.

Failing magic or technological brain-farts, here’s a simple link to click:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/

And, of course, you can always just subscribe from i-Tunes, by typing in “thatdanguy’s podcast” in the i-Tunes store – it is a free download!

Enjoy the interview – Jamie Farr is a hoot to chat with!

Thanks to Calgary's Stage West Theatre Restaurant for the attached publicity still from Mitch Albom's heartwarming "Tuesdays With Morrie"...

Chow for now!!

How did I come to have my face buried in a strange man’s armpit last night?? Well, I wish I could say “this sort of thing NEVER happens to me”, but regular readers here know that’s just not the case.

If it’s not being approached by the well-lubricated participants of a stagette at the neighbourhood bar, or being singled out at a comedy club in NYC over my “man cleavage” (for the love of Pete, it was summer, and it gets HOT in NYC!!), I have an innate ability to draw the attention of performers looking for an easy, friendly mark.

Hey, if it works, more power to them – and judging by the muffled laughter I could hear outside of the pit job I was receiving, the crowd loved the comic’s bit last night. Kind of like the ever-shirtless comedian Will Ferrell, this gentleman’s act incorporated general nudity above the beltline, as he wrapped up his performance by wandering into the crowd, and somehow along the way managed to get me involved in his finale. Somewhat sweaty involvement...

This was all part of the weekly “Going To Hell Sundays”, at Calgary’s Balance Lounge:

http://www.balancelounge.com/balance-events.html

Billed as a night of shock/dirty comedy, I would have to agree, or at least my fogged, soiled glasses would attest to the premise. A combination of local headliners, out-of-town guest comics, and open mic participants, not a bad way to spend a night out – I was there to meet up with a visiting family member in town briefly to attend a funeral – so not the best of circumstances. However, plenty of laughs helps temper a somber mood – I’d say a good time was had by all.

In some cases, too much of a good time, perhaps…

Check it out, if you’re in the area – Sunday nights.

In other news, two weeks today and still waiting for my Stage West review to appear, but I hope to wrap up the audio interview with Jamie Farr by Tuesday the latest, and I’ll post the link here as per usual.

Chow for now!!

Waffles…

They’re like pancakes, with severe acne. Riddled with square bullet holes. Honeycombed pancakes perhaps invented by bee colonies.

Belgian Waffles…

No resemblance to Belgium whatsoever – frankly with the fruit and whipped cream topping, they should be called San Francisco or Florida Waffles.

Waffling…

An inability to make a clear, irrevocable decision. As in “the batter could not decide whether to be pancakes, or waffles…”

Waffle.

The sound made repeatedly whilst walking in corduroys.

Waffle Iron…

How pancakes, formerly waffles, came to have their flat, uniform appearance.

(Breakfast) Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…who would like everyone to be very quiet this morning…)

AAAAWK!!!!

Oy…

My cluckin’ brains…

Uhhhh…

AAAAWK!!!!

I found a coupla bottles of wine yesserday – I ain’t the best reader in tha world, but they wuz scribbled on, an it looked like they said “Dam Adenoid”?? Who cares – THEY WUZ DELICIOUS!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ow!! Ohh, keep it down, Chuckie…

In retro-speck, I maybe shoulda just had one, but it’s like potato chips – ya can’t have just cluckin’ one!

Holy hen fruit – the headache wine gives ya…

AAAAWK!!!!

I think I may hurdle…my guts is floatin’ like a toothpick on a waterslide…

Hey, wuz that drool that juss dropped inta my coffee? Or sweat??

BLECH!!!!

Oh-oh…I think I know where that late-nite hot dog wuz hidin’…

Better go find tha Gravol…

Cluck fer now…

Sigh…still no Calgary Herald review of “Tuesdays With Morrie”. Hopefully this weekend…

On the plus side, I will be recording the planned interview with star Jamie Farr later this morning, so once that gets through the editing process, I’ll be posting a link here – stay tuned on that front.

On a more positive note, weevils continue to wobble, but they still don’t fall down.

Science can be soooo fascinating!

Chow for now!!

The world keeps changing, not always for the better…

Read some sad news yesterday – after decades, the Liberace museum in Las Vegas has decided to close their doors, due to declining attendance. During our first trip to that delightful city (a decade or so ago) that was a stop among many of the sites we chose to take in, and looks like it was a good thing we did!

During that same trip, we made the (considerably lengthy) trek over to the Las Vegas Hilton, hoping to see the Elvis statue reported to be on display. At the time, the hotel was remodeling, and ever since, it would appear that the statue has left the building.

The city has lost the White Castle that was right on the strip (which actually did have a rather raggedy, flea-bitten Elvis statue outside), plus innumerable historic hotels, bulldozed to make way for shiny new mega-resorts – allowing for multiple Starbucks, certainly convenient, buy somewhat lacking replacing all those other features in a city known for entertainment and dazzle.

If you want to catch the Liberace museum before they shutter their doors, get down to Vegas before October. It is something to see, even just for the kitsch factor!

Chow for now!!

Why do they call it “running water”? I’ve never seen a river, or even a faucet for that matter, with feet???

Hmmm….

Chow for now.

Another light dusting of snow overnight, mostly melted away by now. Mrs. That Dan Guy, who regularly peruses the Farmer’s Almanac for recipes and combine harvester maintenance tips, informed me that this is going to be a long, cold winter, with excessive amounts of snow, and even polar bears will need parkas. Excellent…

Therefore, I am beginning a new regimen to make myself hardier. Not hardier-har-har, but more capable of withstanding what Mother Nature will be testing my endurance levels with.

I expect by the week’s end to be able to handle:

1) Extreme cold – I will add a level of blubber like the hardy Arctic walruses, by binging on cheese and chocolate chip cookies. Maybe some crepes. Then for spring I will shed the blubber by water-fasting, and Jumping Jacks.

2) Extreme cold – (sorry to be fixated on this, but I don’t do well with being chilly…) I will increase my circulation, ergo my ability to hoard body heat, by consuming chocolate chip cookies laced with cayenne pepper, and experiment a bit with low-level electricity.

3) Snow-clearing – I have posted a sign on our driveway, indicating “No Snow, or Junk Mail”. Two birds, one stone…

I know there’s more to be vigilant about, but for now, that seems like an appropriate amount of concerns to address. I must find my cayenne chip cookie recipe…

Chow for now!!