Slow going this morning, compounded by having no lucid thoughts, despite about a half hour or so glaring at the computer screen already.
Well, technically maybe 5 or ten minutes, if you include wandering over to the window to peer outside, stopping to watch a bit of the morning news, occasional wanderings to answer Nature’s call, dozing off here and there, moments of fascination with the paper towel holder beside me, and a study of the last pot lite that has yet to burn out, like the rest already have.
Yeah, I got nothin’…
A small degree of insomnia last night – so it was up and over to the sofa, where I presumed I could indulge in viewing some late-nite poker – High Stakes, Low Stakes, or T-Bone Stakes.
I was surprised to discover though that GSN, long a haven for poker broadcasting, has ABANDONED televised card-playing, in favour of run-of-the-mill game shows. At least on Sunday night, when it used to run for hours.
Had to surf around, and find some on a sports network.
Couldn’t rely on Game TV, the Canadian version of GSN either. Execs there are apparently smitten with the decades old Dan Akroyd/Eddie Murphy flick, “Trading Places” (not to be confused with home reno show “Trading Spaces” – although maybe that could be the plot basis for “Trading Places 2”…).
They were running that popular old film back-to-back, THREE times over, either intentionally, or due to a broken VCR that wouldn’t release the tape so as to allow inserting something else.
The things you learn, when you can’t sleep at night…
Chow for now!
“Give me the …bear necessities,
The simple bear necessities…
Forget about your worries and your stripes!”
Huh? What does that popular song from Walt Disney’s “The Jungle Book” mean?
If the bear is singing the song, why is he worrying about stripes? Did he knock up a zebra?
These are the things that make me go “Hmm?”
Chow for now!
Chicken Scratch
(posted by weekend guest blogger (and possible illegal city resident) Charlie Chicken…)
"Yeah, put the empties over by the garage door, Luigi! Then empty the ash-trays!"
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Howdy, humans! Ole Charlie is jus gettin’ sum house-cleanin’ dun, tryin’ ta earn my keeps here wit da peeps.
After tha ravelination on TV this week that chickns ain’t suppose ta be in the city limits, I’m havin’ ta modify my luxurious lifestyle expectashuns…
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
So, pickin’ up a few things here and there, wearin’ my chicken knuckles down ta tha bone…
Man, I wish I was still snoozin’ in bed right now…hangover house-cleanin’ ain’t befittin’ my stashun in life…
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
“LUIGI!! SHAKE A CLUCKIN’ LEG OVER THERE!!!”
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Sorry, where wuz I?
Oh yeah, whoa iz me…
Well, smoke-break time. Enough cluckin’ anguish fer now – Kay Sara Sara, as the French say. Those pluckin’ French make no sense at all…
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Cluck fer now!
Looking out the window at the forlorn patch of lawn where our gazebo once stood, which we’ve now nurtured and encouraged with three different seeding efforts, makes this month’s column seem even more timely:
http://www.remonline.com/home/?cat=32
Chow for now!
Oh-oh!!!
Looks like a certain weekend guest blogger may be living here in Calgary illegally!
Who knew – chickens aren’t allowed in the city?? I may have been harbouring a fugitive, or at least an impolite poultry pushing the perimeters of permission…
No wonder he and his wacky brood hide as much as they do!
Which makes me wonder – how does he maintain his suntan? How does he shop for groceries, beer and cigarettes?
So much to ponder…so little time…
Chow for now!!
I believe I shall become “ripped” today. I’m not entirely sure of the process, but I intend on trading in my “keg” of abdominal protrusion, for a more manageable (and visually appealing) “six-pack”.
It is almost summer, after all. Pretty soon, I’ll be dusting off my muscle shirts and bicycle shorts – which frankly do nothing when draped over what appears to be a male beer belly bordering on the eighth month of apparent pregnancy.
Which also reminds me – it may be time for my annual search of the Yellow Pages, for those handy back hair removal organizations. Spring always seems to instigate a renewal of my Robin Williams back-carpeting syndrome. Shag, that is…
Chow for now!!
Classic Blog Post – June 1, 2006:
Has anybody out there actually had a canary??
That's one of those wacky sayings that you hear repeatedly over the years, and can't ever seem to find a single person that it may have happened to...
"Oh-oh, Daniel!! Your mother's gonna have a CANARY!!!"
My mother has had a lot of things over the years, but a canary was never one of them. A canary out of thin air would have been tremendously cool. Sure, you see magicians pop a dove out of thin air all the time, but how often does one of your parents throw a white hankerchief into the air, only to have it transform into a canary?? Not once in our house, that's for sure...
And these canaries, do they really spend a lot of time in coal mines?? Aren't there forests or residential backyards that they might find a little bit more enjoyable?? Although I'm not so sure that old Police song would have become such a classic, with a common sense title like "Canary In A Tree"...
I was once in the famous Carlsbad Caverns whenI was a kid, and I know that's not really a coal mine, but I can assure you, there was not a single canary to be found down there. Bats by the billions, but canaries?? Nada...
So, my quest continues. I must determine if somebody, anywhere, has ever really HAD a canary. Aside from a mother canary, I mean...
Chow for now!!
Refrigerator CSI:
Episode 1 – The team attempts to identify what may once have been a food product, but now looks like a putting green in a Tupperware container. A putting green with what appears to be a pulse…
Episode 2 – The team analyzes large suspended blobules in a milk container, in the hopes of discovering why the entire carton hasn’t attained the consistency of petrified matter.
Episode 3 – The team profiles the apparent twisted and mono-chromatic mind of a certain Dr. Seuss – whose fridge contains green eggs, green ham, green cheese, and remnants of leprechaun…
Episode 4 – A package of ground beef quietly whistling “Give Me A Home, Where the Buffalo Roam” perplexes the team.
Episode 5 – Carbon-dating fails to identify the age of a bag of celery releasing noxious fumes, on the season finale…
Chicken Scratch
(Posted with shivering chicken fingers by frosty weekend guest blogger, Charlie Chicken…)
CLUCK ME!!!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Snow?? Are ya cluckin’ kiddin’ me?????
This is almost June, fer cluck’s sake!!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Batter my giblets and call me deep-fried…what the doodles does this mean?? Is there gonna be a plague of locusts next?
An’ it’s not only snow-covered, it’s snow comin’ down like there wuzza sale on the stuff. I’ll be cooped up in here all weekend, what with my avurshion ta wet knuckles.
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
An’ ya wonder why I drink…
I could swear I heard rain deers onna roof lass night – but it musta been pigeons bangin’ their heads on tha shingles – even the worms is wearin’ overcoats when they pop up outta tha ground!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
I’m goin’ back ta bed – see ya in August!
Cluck fer now…
Last night, we recorded and watched “Four Christmases”, the hit flick with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. This despite the apparent micro-brain programmers at Movie Central apparently being able to figure out that this is now almost summer, NOT Christmas.
Well, excuse our error:
http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1#p/a/u/0/pAqlDQLfaks
Turned out to be a very appropriate movie to watch…..
Chow for now!
Peter Scolari
“Newhart”
“Bosom Buddies”
*******************************************************************
So, once again I beg your indulgence.
Either change your feed today to “RSS” (usually a little orange symbol, or the actual letters somewhere on the screen) or click the link below:
Then you should be able to download and listen to an interview from last year with actor, producer and director Peter Scolari.
This was essentially the first interview in my “Talkin’ Funny With” series, and appeared in print in my weekly Kelowna column (which runs for the last time today).
For today, that’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it!
Chow for now!!
Walloping Mallets Fall In 1st Exhibition Matchup
It’s hard to say if the devastating loss of the Montreal Canadiens last night played heavily on the minds of The Walloping Mallets in their season-opener exhibition match loss. Frankly, it shouldn’t have, as the match was played in the early afternoon, long before the NHL semi-final.
Maybe as a rec league croquet team, the players were jointly worrying about the lawn still trying to re-grow, further away in the very yard the croquet course was set up in. How long does grass need to be nurtured along before it gets off its ass and sprouts??????
Ahem…
Most likely, it was the loss of team captain Angus “Hammer Time” Yoshima, who left the game after trying to mallet a competitor’s ball away into a corner, but instead seriously injured his own foot when the crocs he was wearing proved to be less sturdy than a croquet mallet swung at high speed.
If all goes well, his cast will come off in late June…
In the 27-3 loss, The Mallets certainly showed some early promise, but a clear inability to aim the croquet ball through rather large metal U-shaped hoops is going to have to be overcome, if this team hopes to make the playoffs. Less beer during the match might also be helpful.
The team loses home turf advantage for the next game, as they hit the road.
Chow.
Authorities are entirely indifferent to reports of a shady character recently seen buzzing around Cowtown.
Characterized by a polished forehead & scalp, hairline remnants - plus numerous jiggly chins, this dude has been seen recently aimlessly watering a portion of lawn near his home. Authorities have no explanation for his behavior, aside from presuming that constantly listening to Justin Bieber’s latest CD has possibly porridged his frontal lobes.
He is guilty of no apparent crimes, other than a tremendously inadequate attempt to look like actor Jack Nicholson.
Honey Nut Cheerios.
There was no reason imaginable to release this report…
(05 23 10….hmmm…“11” anybody???)
Hey, a colleague, amigo and fellow blogger/writer has bestowed an honour upon this space that she recently accepted at her own blog (one of two – follow the links – plus I think she also pens others):
http://writingonthewall-vaneck.blogspot.com/
I’ll take it. I’ll wear it proudly. After well over 1500-plus consecutive posts without Blogger intervening in the interests of good taste or reason, I would admit to being a prolific blogger. Any other descriptive will be left for history to decide, or my tens of readers.
I can say that this blog has expanding my writing into places I never expected, as a long-time “humour-only” scribbler. Now that my weekly column is homeless, hopefully it will soon post to other links that my “nonsense and stuff” occasionally appears – or I could just start listing the places it doesn’t:
Redbook
Saturday Evening Post
Chatelaine
Apples Of The Americas
Saskatchewan Farmer
Dear Penthouse…(no, wait…)
Smithsonian Monthly
Acne Digest
The Well-Dressed Nudist
Vanishing Eyebrows – Digest of Lasik Disasters
KFC Flyer, May 2009
IKEA Catalogue
Prairie Barns Magazine
Man, there may be more to list than I had expected….
Just keep stopping in, and there may be the odd announcement or two.
Chow for now!!
Chicken Scratch
(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)
Mirrer mirrer on tha wall,
Whose da hunkiest chicken uvem all?
“Why, you, ole Charlie – was there any cluckin’ doubt??”
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Yessir, ole Charlie has got tha package – rugged good looks, kerizma, an a certain inexplikkible sex appeal – tha chicks dig me!
An can ya blame ‘em? Look at the rise a my comb, and the playful curve a my beak – I’m practikally tha James Dean a tha poultry set!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
If I wuz a muse-ishun, I’d be a Jonas brother…
Frankly, it oughta be ill-eagle ta look this good! I should register my chiseled fa̤ade as a deadly weapon Рof love!!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!
Alla which makes me wonder – how dya translate that sorta shinola inta yer online datin’ profile, an still remain your humble, adorable self??
Better try scribblin’ that out one more time…
Cluck fer now!
Next week will be a personal milestone for That Dan Guy. After a little over six and a half years, my weekly column in the Kelowna newspaper supplement will run a farewell edition. Lack of space will be the official cause of death.
As I say in the column, it seems like I’m writing an obituary, but far from it – I’m busier than ever with my writing, thankfully. I still enjoy a national column here in Canada, plus I hope my recent inroads within the Canwest chain (or whatever it will be called once the sale finalizes) continues.
Plus this will free me up to finalize a number of book projects, which is pretty exciting as well. It’s been some time since my last one – I think the Beatles were still together when that one came out.
What is even more exciting is the regular traffic heading over and downloading the interviews I’ve done this past year.
So, between my ramblings here (sorry, that will continue as well…), and other stuff I’m jamming into the pipeline, the silly will continue for the foreseeable future.
Yabba, dabba, and doo…
