TRUTH – Ever & Always, Stranger Than Fiction

“This Is My Life”, Episode 1277

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

While Mrs. That Dan Guy was at work, we had a showing on our home. I had to vacate, and she suggested I just head over to our local tavern, and have a beer in air-conditioned comfort, while the Realtor and his clients were perusing our home.

So, I settled into nursing a pint, along with a selection of newspaper sections I haven’t been able to get to this past week. Over in the other end of the bar, there’s a group of young ladies clearly celebrating something, as there are balloons bobbing from strings around most of their chairs.

I determine to make my way through my stack of newspapers.

About 20 minutes into my beer nursing and studious newspaper perusing, I am approached by a small delegation from the aforementioned table of young ladies, including one wearing some sort of festive tinfoil crown. She apparently is a young bride-to-be, out for her stagette with friends, and they have set up a sort-of “scavenger hunt” for her – essentially a small list of to-do’s before her I do’s.

She is clearly already loosened up by the festivities and beverages, and announces that she requires (for her scavenger hunt list) a hug.

Here’s the kicker – she needs a hug from…a bald guy. And somehow, in this darkened neighbourhood watering hole – I fit the bill.

Swell…

Ever happy to oblige, and with my trademark good spirits, she is able to check that requirement from her list, and the delegation heads back over to Balloon-ville.

I get back to my newspapers, and admit grudgingly to myself that maybe there is more Friar Tuck than Frere Hair Amok lately.

About 5 minutes later, the group is once again in full approach mode – I worry that the next requirement is carbon-dating to see if I might be a fossil of some sort.

Happily, the next check-mark on the bride’s list is to buy a beer – for a cute guy!

My confidence restored, I enjoy both of my beverages, and when enough time has passed to return home seems appropriate, I vamoose.

Only in the Such Is Life household, I swear….

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by one wiry piece of poultry, on Saturdays…)

Today: Coffee Chat, With Charlie.

Howdy, humans!

This mornin’, ole Charlie’s gonna present his “Ode Ta Caffeine” – the lifeblood of any reasonable human bean. Or chicken, it would also appear…

Ahem…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Here we go…

“Coffee, Coffee, It’s So Cluckin’ Good,

Coffee, Coffee, it don’t taste like wood.

Coffee, Coffee, oh fuzzy Mama yer so divine,

(BUK-AAAAWK!!!!)

Coffee, Coffee – is there one that tastes like wine?”

Oh yeah, baby! I loves me my coffee – couldn’t start my day without it.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, I oughta submit my poetry ta a literary magazine! That’s there’s award-winnin’ prose, lemme tell ya!

Or I could always go with my famous: “There once was a chicken from Nantucket…”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now…

Every once in a while, I come across one of my old newspaper columns, lurking in the shadows online.

Not sure if I’ve ever posted a link to this one before, but isn’t it always timely to get some good advice?

Isn’t it always timely just to find something to fill blog site space??

Enjoy:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=146117

Chow for now!

Wild Life!

(Well, semi-domesticated wildlife anyway…)

I’ll be honest with you – I’m not sure why I shot this clip sideways – I hadn’t been drinking when I spotted the little guy outside our garage. I think I just moved the phone sideways, not realizing that the video would end up looking like I was half-hammered midway through shooting it.

Oh well, at least I didn’t do an Elmer Fudd, and REALLY shoot Bugs!

The things you see when you put out the recycling…

Chow for now!!

I refuse to start our furnace in the middle of freakin’ July…no way, Jose!

Unbelievably, we’re in the middle of some sort of relentless downpour, connected no doubt in some way to the annual Calgary Stampede in town now, trying to attract locals and tourists alike (much like my raft idea). Instead of sunny skies and warm caressing sunshine, we’ve had enough waterworks falling from the sky to irrigate Jupiter.

With the rain comes the cold – entirely far-too-frigid temperatures for this time of year, albeit I’m happy to report no snow.

Yet…

So, we are monitoring our fingertips for signs of frostbite (in the flippin’ house, for Pete’s sake…), and I am doing everything I can to avoid turning on the furnace. We’ve had jive dance contests, Jumping Jack marathons, and I’m in the process of moving our trampoline inside, to park it in front of the TV. Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are nothing, if not shamelessly creative.

The cold and rain are interesting, considering that other parts of Canada are being cod-walloped by a heat wave. Either they are holding said warm weather hostage, or the sun has decided to holiday out East for a few weeks. Hey, who needs fat cattle anyway?

Well, once the rain passes, I’ll be griping about the hot spell. It’s what I do.

Hey, did you know that Regis and Kelly, from the popular American TV program “Regis & Kelly” are filming here in Canada this week? In the beautiful warm sunshine of Prince Edward Island. Hmmm… Conspiracy theorists might make a few grumblings about that coincidence…

Chow for now!!

Building a Raft (for leisure, fun or profit)

Seeing as how we are filthy with rivers in this city, I have decided to pull a page from a great American literary classic, and use this summer to build myself a raft – a la Huckleberry Finn – to navigate these great waterways throughout the city.

Sure, it could be argued that the multitudes are already utilizing these rivers, albeit with flimsy flotation devices, and occasionally even rather sturdy water-ready floaty things.

I, on the other hand, will hew a raft from the wood of the surrounding forest, like a great Canadian lumberjack. I will lash these fallen logs together, with great vines and thinner branches, and fill in any potential holes with mud from the banks of the estuary.

I will install a skookum Captain’s Chair, because at my age, I’d just be inviting varicose veins if I stood too long piloting this craft…

Yes, I will fabricate a vessel from nature that will inspire locals and tourists alike to clamber aboard, as we set sail…err..oar…for points I frankly have yet to discover myself. Like Huck, I will learn to whistle, and charm the passengers on my raft by eating grasshoppers.

Or maybe I’ll just wear a straw hat. I want to try and be as authentic as possible, without actually being on the Mississippi.

This sounds like the adventure of the summer. I can’t foresee a single flaw in THIS plan!

Chow.

For now…

All Aboard!!!

Sigh…

Another Monday Morning. In no particular order, I’ve going to have to:

-trim the dog’s toenails,

-shave the dog,

-boil some jump-impaired frogs,

-check my lobster traps,

-whittle,

-walk the dog,

-mow ¼ of the lawn,

-try again to invent pop-peas or pop-beans,

-buy a dog to walk, shave, and trim his toenails,

-find my ice cubes recipe,

It never ends…

Chow for now!

Harp!

What like through wander lentil brakes?

Tis July Yet, and the east be the son.

Uh…a rope by any other mane…alas, pure Warwick – I newt him well…

Out out, dam snot!!

You can’t handle the troop!

Too cheep, perchance to clean…

(Chow for now…)

Chicken Scratch

(posted by an increasingly worrisome, perpetually recurring guest blogger…)

HAK!! HAK!!

Pardon me – tha fumes is ob-nock-shush here…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

Howdy humans, Happy Saterday ta alla ya!

Ole Charlie’s just attendin’ ta a bit a fixin’ up – I’m about ta paints me a masterpiece.

I think I’m gonna do a mural a Justin Beiber – that dude is just plain awesome!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Or mebbe Lady GaGa – we’ll see how much sparkly I got in this here canna Spackle…

I wuz just supposed ta cover over the holes me and Cornelius made last week, huckin’ beer caps against the wall fer fun, but ain’t a mongo-huge picktchur a The “Bieb” a better idea?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HAK!! HAK!!!

Sorry tha fumes is makin’ my beak weak…I think I just spotted a herd a leapin’ sheep over in the corner – I must be loosin’ my mind…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, pitter-patter, better get back atter. This would be sooooo much easier if I had thumbs…

Cluck fer now!

Second Evening – Counting Frogs…

Well, after a complete debacle the night before trying to count sheep as I lay in bed attempting to fall asleep (unlike Mrs. That Dan Guy – blissfully snoring away like a blender crushing ice cubes and medium-sized gravel), I decided I might try counting frogs instead.

The traditional sheep counting hadn’t worked out. Looking at other avenues, I reckoned that frogs hopped, and if enough of them lined up on an infinite number of lily pads, I’d be set – blissful slumber would finally be mine!

Not my best idea, it turns out. Frogs don’t exactly leap on demand, even if they do just have to hop over a fence that's lower than a prostrate paper clip. When you stop to think about it, how often do you ever see a frog leaping around, except in cartoons?

To compound matters, when you do manage to line up an infinite number of frogs, on an infinite number of lily pads, who knew they’d get to chatting, and griping about that celebrity octopus that predicts the World Cup soccer winners?

“Ribbit-ribbit-show-off squid…”

“Ribbit-ribbit-see-how-smart-he-is-as-calamari…”

SHEESH! I need to count something, people – NOT listen to a bunch of obese toads griping about other water-dwellers with more celebrity cachet than themselves!

After researching recipes online (Garlic Basted Frog’s Legs…maybe I’ll count how many servings of those I can snarf down…), I determined that I better get back to mammals. If deer are mammals, then I’m set for tonight. I know they can jump over fences. Maybe I’ll hire a couple of wolves to make sure they don’t get distracted.

Only in the Such Is Life household, I’m sure…

Chow for now!

I was counting sheep the other night while trying to fall asleep, and was doing pretty good, as each consecutive sheep managed to vault over a little picket fence and scamper off into the distance. I’ll be darned if one of the little beggars didn’t trip over the fence though, just as I was almost asleep.

Well, you wouldn’t have believed the commotion in my head – sheep ambulances began to arrive, and sheep paramedics scrambled to assess the fallen sheep’s condition. You’d think one sheep bleating was bad enough, but a few of the younger ones in the crowd started in with sympathy bleating.

Soon enough, there was a growing cacophony of bleats, which caused the sheep paramedics to struggle with focusing on their patient. Even though the fallen sheep did seem to be suffering from some sort of injury, he was quite clearly still conscious, as evidenced by his infernal bleating. One sheep paramedic, clearly rattled by the racket, decided to give the victim a round of the cardio paddles.

Well, if you think sheep hair (would that be wool if it’s still on the sheep in question?) is curly just by itself, imagine what it looks like when it’s wet with sweat from building up a good head of steam to try jumping over a fence, then electrified. The damn sheep looked like a ripe dandelion with ears, about to blow apart in the wind.

Then the sheep, even as injured as he may have been, sprung up like one of those cartoon cats, pell-melled his hooves in the air frantically, and ran off in the opposite direction of the fence. The rest of the herd followed, which pretty much quashed any hopes I had of resuming my count.

Tonight, I intend on counting frogs. And they’ll have a very low fence to contend with, let me tell you…

Chow for now!!

From The Vaults…

I stumbled across a rough draft for a column earlier today. I think it was destined for my old newspaper column, or it might even have appeared in my 2003 book "Nonsense & Stuff".

Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that now I don’t have to bang my head against the wall, trying to come up with a blog topic today.

Hallelujah!

Here, in its unedited, raw, primal form is:

How To Cheer Up The Walk-In Clinic Doctor.

Have you ever found that the average general practitioner at a walk-in clinic just doesn’t have a sense of funny ha-ha? Odds are, he or she is concentrating too darn hard on maintaining your health. Here’s a few thoughts that might get their attention, and could even crack a smile or two.

************************************************************************

-When you are getting your blood pressure tested, discreetly slip on a really big plastic ear, and ask if it’s normal to feel swelling.

-Come in dressed as Garfield, and insist on whisker enhancement surgery.

-At the reception desk, ask to be seated in the smoking section of the waiting room.

-Bring point form notes of symptoms you exhibit from every ailment you’ve researched, after seeing them on an episode of ER.

-Tell your doctor you’d LIKE to have gas with oily discharge, coupled with an urgent need to have bowel movements.

-Ask for a prescription for heartstring tugs.

-When they say breathe, cough. When they say cough, breathe.

-While you’re waiting for the doctor to join you in the exam room, lower their chair as far as it will go. Laugh while you can, the lawsuit will ensure you don’t try that gag again…

-OK, this isn’t funny, this is valuable advice. If you’re getting a prostate test, insist on a very thin doctor, with even thinner hands. And don’t ever make the same mistake that I did with prostrate…

-Every time the doctor brings the stethoscope towards you, faint.

-As soon as the medical office assistant tries to leave the exam room, start barking like a seal, and clapping your hands. Point to some imaginary spot on the ceiling when she looks back in.

(I’m pretty sure that piece ended up in my book….)

Chow for now!!

Today's Post: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!

OK, I may be exaggerating just a bit…

Click on the link below, to view footage of when I was attacked by…a Canadian goose, in Boston…he must have been on holidays as well.

http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1#p/a/u/0/PJBIlz7w5bc

Oh, the horror! I still wake up in a cold sweat, just thinking about it…

Remember, I warned you…

Chow for now!!

Good morning, Texas!

And a belated Happy Fourth Of July to you!

Statistics are an amazing tool if you happen to post content into new media. Using Google Analytics, I accidentally discovered that many of these blog posts climb to the top of Google search results (I know…hard to even imagine, but there’s no accounting for online taste).

This morning, I utilized tracking stats for my podcast interview series:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/

The last couple of months the shows have been going mini-viral, recently topping well over 400 downloads. This month so far I’m just under 50, and that’s with no new content!!

But the surprise for this Calgary-area dude is that my largest numbers of subscribers are in TEXAS!!! Now, I’ve always said that Alberta is the Texas of Canada, so this discovery truly supports that contention.

And, it means I have to get off my caboose and get some new content loaded in there. In the next short while, I’ll have an interview with the two stars of Stage West Calgary’s “Two Pianos Four Hands”, plus an interview with a popular improv comedy troupe from New Orleans, recorded a few years back. I also hope to get back to Kelowna soon, to interview a rising star in the music world there that I’m a big fan of, and a fellow author who has just released a new book.

The internet is a hungry beast – I will try to continue to feed it.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Howdy, humans!

Top a tha morn ta ya!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Jus readin’ my Sunday funnies (I already red the terrific Stage West review from yesterday…scroll down if ya missed it…) – Ijust looove that wacky ole Garfield!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Some days it just takes a bit longer to get goin’ in tha mornin’ – which is why I cherish the cartoons sections. When my beak is kinda droopy, or my pinfeathers needs a bit more recreational relaxin’ – the funnies gimme that break in my day – even if I did technically just roll outta bed a few minutes ago…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sheesh! When is that spinny Archie ever gonna choose between those two chicks he’s hot for?? Although, he could just move ta Utah, and has his cake plus heat it too… That’s what we do anyhoo in the “wild kingdom”.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Moldy Feather Pluckers! How long can Dagwood possibly run that gag about 3-foot high sandwiches?? If I wuz Blondie, I’d be checkin’ out some online datin’ services – this guy ain’t got much depth…

Well, it’s been fun, but some a these cartoons got real small print, and I needsta focus. Literally.

Cluck fer now!!

2 Pianos makes for magic onstage (Calgary Herald, 03 Jul 2010, Page C4)

Stage West Calgary Review Calgary Herald

---

2 Pianos makes for magic onstage
Dan St. Yves
Calgary Herald
03 Jul 2010

The play 2 Pianos 4 Hands begins and ends with tuxedos and tails, grand musical flourishes, and in between runs a broad scale of flawless technical precision on twin grand pianos. As dinner theatre goes, the latest Stage West production ramps things up...read more...

Tech Tags: Calgary Herald newspaper ENTERTAINMENT

Whoa!

Post-Canada Day doldrums, I think. Having no small amount of struggles getting going this morning.

Or I’m just having one of those days where I don’t really feel like I have anything to scribble about. I have been meaning to write about my dry heels, to see if anyone out there has any suggestions. Or I could wonder aloud (written) why snakes take so darn long to digest their meals – especially big snakes like pythons, that can swallow whole water buffalos, and then you have to watch the whole thing – hooves, horns and all, as it makes a lazy lengthy journey through the snake’s gullet.

Nature – one wacky possibility – and technically, I think that qualifies as a bit of a post….

Chow for now!!

NOTE: In light of this being Canada Day, I am giving my grey matter the day off, and recycling an old column. Which technically may indeed have been born in this space initially, but who’s quibbling?

Really, who is it? I want names…

Here’s a (recycled) toast to our country:

Fun Facts About Canada

1) Canada is comprised of 10 (Maybe 9. Could be 11 - I really should confirm this for you…) “provinces”, which are much like U.S. ‘states”, except that 90 % of a province’s population will live in one large city, with most of the rest of that province remaining wide open. For all I know, dinosaurs still roam outside of major Canadian cities…

2) Canada has TWO official languages – English, and French. Any product sold in Canada must have both official languages on ALL of their printed matter, which assists citizens in reading the official language of their choice. Except for Spanish-speaking citizens, who pretty much have to gamble whenever they buy a product, not knowing if it might be Chicken Noodle Soup, or a quart of eggshell house paint…

3) Canada has a love affair with hockey. Over the years, we’ve cheated on hockey with curling, lacrosse, football, baseball, and basketball. Hey, when you have two official languages, you really believe the rules don’t apply to you… Hockey always takes us back, with open arms…

4) Canada has a very temperate climate, rarely ever dropping below +20 Celsius. (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! My fingers are soooooooooooo cold right now…)

5) Canada maintains some ties with that overseas country, the one with the big-eared Royal Family. As a matter of fact, the Queen is still pictured on a lot of our currency. Has been for decades. However, we look forward to the new currency coming soon from our Royal Canadian Mint – The “Celine Dion” twenty dollar bills, and the “Alex Trebek” Jeopardy series of commemorative coins…

6) Canada is enormous, but on average, about 97% empty. There’s more bare land than there are people living here. For support of this claim, just drive through Saskatchewan, and try finding evidence of settlement or civilization anywhere…

7) Canada has a very high sky. Even if you live in a big city, one of the things you will generally begin to notice about Canada is that the sky is way the hell up there, in the sky.

8) Canada has the largest population of mosquitoes in North America. And 87% of those live in Winnipeg…

9) Canada is home to The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. How often they get mounted is anybody’s guess…

10) Canada is the country of origin for The Canadian Goose – which will crap on beaches and golf courses anywhere, regardless of geographic location. Canadian geese are pretty lackadaisical that way…

11) Canada is one of the few places in the world where a spelling bee will include words like “toque”, “eh”, and “ou est les fenetres?”

Chow for now, fellow Canucks!

Wow! Just two days left in June – where does the time go?

It’s a race towards fall, seems like to me. Of course, that could just be my penchant for exaggeration speaking…

These limited weeks between Canadian snowfalls are just too precious to be seen as flying by like a rocket enroute to the next season. We need to cherish the warmth – or at least have it feel like it’s been here longer than a fortnight.

Wow! When was the last time I had a tree-fort night?

I digress…

Warmth – here today, gone tomorrow. Could ya slow down just a little bit so we can enjoy it??

Chow for now!

Hey, yesterday was my 1600th post!

Consecutively (which in no way stands for "quality"...)

111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111

It seems sad sometimes that Christmas music only plays on the radio from October to January. I know there’s Xmas-themed stores out there across North America, offering Santa and his entourage year-round – but is it practical to visit these places just to get your fix of “Ark, The Herring Angels Sing”?

I think not…

I propose a federally- funded, 24-7, 365 holiday channel – broadcasting nothing but Christmas carols (OK, and a little bit of Justin Bieber). When the temperature rises this summer, you can cool off by slipping your toes into a bowl of ice cream, and slipping away into a merry Mariah Carey version of “Let It Snow Let It Snow Let It Snow”.

Heaven on earth, I say…

Chow for now!

As I sit here this morning struggling to come up with a topic for my blog, I find myself wondering where Paris Hilton has been lately. You may remember Paris – the wealthy socialite that once declared herself “this generation’s Marilyn Monroe”.

That sort of logic presumes that I could call myself “this generation’s Ernest Hemmingway”, or Peewee Herman could proclaim to be “this generation’s Burt Reynolds”.

Not sure where that Peewee Herman comparison came from – but imagine Peewee in roles like “Deliverance”, or “Smokey & The Bandit”.

Maybe I should have tried a little harder to find somewhat more current and relevant references for this theory.

But I did warn you right up front that I was struggling to come up with a topic today…

Chow for now!!

Stage West Calgary Review

“Two Pianos, 4 Hands”

By Ted Dykstra & Richard Greenblatt

The Sunday Morning “Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go” Review: Stage West Calgary’s production of “Two Pianos, Four Hands”.

As dinner theatre goes, the latest Stage West Calgary production ramps things up a notch – which isn’t meant to disparage previous productions in any way. It’s just that when you typically see popular Broadway hits and other musical productions founded on pop music soundtracks staged there – well, a play built around classical music just seems to give the whole thing a more refined framework.

“Two Pianos Four Hands” traces the journey of a pair of young men pursuing dreams of becoming concert classical pianists, and along the way pokes fun at the hours of practice, the diversions, and the likely chance that neither will see their dreams come true – in a relatable manner that most anyone who’s endured music lessons can relate to.

You’d think that unless you’ve gone down this specific path yourself, the production might seem unlikely to engage viewers. But the storyline does succeed in illuminating the audience on the daunting commitment a career path like this would require, plus the stellar and polished performances of the two gentlemen starring in the show are a pleasure to enjoy. Patrick Burwell and Tom Frey juggle multiple mini-roles while predominantly appearing as aspiring concert pianists Richard and Ted – and there aren’t many moments when one or both pianos onstage aren’t filling the theatre with songs you know instantly, even if you aren’t necessarily a fan of classical music.

The musical performances are impeccable, the humour is plentiful, and you really can’t help but feel what the two go through on the road towards their dream.

Now, I wish I could share more, but I’ve got to save my best nuggets for the official Calgary Herald review, for which you should stop back over the next few days and I’ll have posted a link here. I also had the chance to sit down after the show with Patrick and Tom, so I’ll also have an audio link to the interview that I can direct you to.

“Two Pianos Four Hands” is playing now, at Stage West Calgary.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Whew! Sure wuz cluckin’ hot these last few days! By the rubbery comb on my noggin – I think summer mighta finally arrived!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Time to switch over ta tha short-sleeved shirts, so as better ta air out tha pits, if ya know what I mean….

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

What tha pluck – this must be what they calla warmspell. Like Godspell, but with more heat, I suspeck. God at a spellin’ bee – heh heh heh…that cracks me up every time…

Hey, mebbe I oughta just doff my duds – run around old naturel?? I mean, I’d still have my feathers to contend with, but it would be cooler than flappin’ around tha coop with cotton on.

Mebbe I should go like that cartoon duck, without any pants on…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Desishuns, desishuns…what’s a bird ta do?

I’ll go pop my head in the fridge fer a bit – see if that helps me figure out this dee-lemma.

It ain’t easy bein’ me!!

Cluck fer now, humans!!

I have long danced alongside coincidence.

Take yesterday, for example. For no particular (or sound) reason, I decided to concoct some hare-brained post about yodeling. I have not now, nor ever been inclined to yodel competitively. Yet I felt an urge to post that I was.

Later that morning, I happened across The Price Is Right on TV – a rebroadcast of a Halloween episode (I hope – I know things have changed since Bob Barker retired, but come on…). And guess what host Drew Carey was dressed as? The yodeling mountain climber, of the classic game segment from the show. I darn-near swallowed my Pop-Tart!

In other news, and happy news at that – MY WEBSITE IS BACK!! I discovered that my hosting site had finally resurfaced, and then later in the day, my main website appeared once more!

Happy Dance!! Smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em.

That’s about it for this morning’s “gotta know”…

Chow for now!!

I’m training right now for Yodelpallooza 2010. Contestants from around the world will showcase their yodeling skills, in the hopes of winning the annual title of Grand Supreme Amateur Yodel King (or Queen…ha ha ha...like THAT’S gonna happen!).

The prestige of adding that title to my résumé, plus the Grand Prize lunch for two at Schnitzel House is highly coveted in the amateur yodeling community. Makes a fella wanna yodel from a mountain top. Or his patio furniture...

But this won’t be a cakewalk (mmmm…cake…). There’s stiff competition, and even a bit of limber competition from all around the world. I’m most worried about Pete “Echo Tonsils” Sarducci, whose enhanced vocal chords make him a difficult competitor to best.

All I can do is give it my best shot. And our neighbours are the unexpected beneficiaries of my impromptu rehearsals outside in the back yard.

It never ends, here in the Such is Life household…

Chow for now!!

As optimistic and accommodating as I can be, I’d have to say by now that my website, nonsenseandstuff.com as formerly provided by a now MIA domain host, is deceased. I’ve tried to get a hold of them, but they seem to have vanished – which is funny, because you’d think there would be even some sort of indication somewhere online – I can’t be the only client they had.

If I was, that would go a long way to explaining why they tanked…

So, until I can resolve this issue, it’ll just be the blog (here), and the few off-sites I’ve been meaning to link together anyway. Once again, procrastination bites my plus-sized ass…

So, if you’ve found me via this direct link, congratulations. Your daily drivel is guaranteed.

I will set up a new “main” website as soon as I can, but don’t forget the other places you can enjoy (and I use that term in lieu of “suffer through”) my regular silliness:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/ (interviews you can download and cherish forever)

http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1 (video snippets, growing by the one or two)

And if you’re on Twitter or LinkedIn, you can follow or link up with me there as well.

I think that’s most of the damage I do on a regular basis.

Chow. For now.

Well, I sure hope you find this daily drivel via a direct link. For the past week, my actual website (www.nonsenseandstuff.com) has been on and offline, with the majority of those moments being the latter. Now, for the past few days you just get an error message.

Searching my domain host, their own site is offline as well – which makes me think that they may have gone under, without any notice to their clients. Which is ironic, because they were a “Down Under” New Zealand company that expanded to North America.

Are all those countries “down under”, or just Australia? Heck, they all talk funny, so down under works for me…

I’ll have to see what this means with respect to getting that site back online, but hopefully, as I mentioned back at the start of this ramble, you’ve found this particular site without jumping from the link posted there. At least until I can get a replacement figured out.

FRIG!!!

(Chow for now…)

Every once in awhile, I come across a piece of mine online that appeared in my newspaper column (recently retired/deceased/expired/gonged/crushed/el-ka-bonged), back from the time that it appeared online as well as in print.

Gotta love the internet, where (much like Fame) everything lives forever:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=127870

This one is a bit of fun regarding the popular old board game “Monopoly”.

Chow for now!

My Morning Shave:

Cheeks – check.

Chin – check.

Sideburns – check.

Waddle – check.

2^nd chin – check.

Nose – check.

NOSE?? What the doodles??

Why does hair grow unabated on a human nose, when it avoids places it should logically frequent, like my forehead or scalp??

Oy…

Chow for now.

Chicken Scratch

Items You Never Serve A Chicken, File # 011.

(Cluck fer now…)

The sounds of silence.

Looks like that’s what we’ll be listening to now that Simon & Garfunkel have postponed their current tour. After initially considering we wouldn’t even be able to get tickets at the lofty prices I found during the initial release, there were some reasonable prices on obstructed-view seats above the Saddledome ceiling lighting area, on exposed girders – sounded comfy what with the insulation and such.

However, the first show was postponed, and word reached us last night that the second show has now been postponed indefinitely. Which I’ll admit sounds a little vague, but probably means that they won’t be here anytime soon. Koo Koo Ka-choo, Mrs. Robinson! (Gesundheit...)

Oh well – we have seen both of them in concert before anyway, just not as the legendary pair together. Which would have been amazing, we imagine...

We are not feelin’ groovy right now…

Chow for now!

The Parable Of The Ant & The Grasshopper

Bill the ant was a very determined worker. He worked in the morning, and he worked in the evening. Every day as he raced from one job to another, he would pass by his pal Jerome – a grasshopper with considerably less work ethic than the average ant.

Jerome embraced the easy life – he worked as little as possible, and supplemented those brief moments of mental and physical exertion with lengthy siestas. While Bill held down three jobs, Jerome barely managed to get out of bed every other morning for his part-time job selling stripe refresher for captive zebras.

This sort-of got to frustrating Bill, as his poor little antennae began to droop after so many hours working at a variety of demanding, thankless jobs. It ate at him, and made him very resentful of Jerome.

But before he could confront his friend, and lecture him on the errors of his frivolous ways, Bill had a massive coronary, and croaked. Jerome was sad, and quit his part-time job to ponder his place in the world.

As luck would have it, Jerome also happened to win the largest Lotto jackpot in the history of the world that weekend, so he became a motivational speaker, and advised people against working too hard.

Bill, from the window of his cloud in heaven, almost had another coronary watching this unfold.

The moral of the story – don’t forget to buy your lottery tickets…

Chow for now!!

Can’t believe I actually had to turn the furnace back on this morning. It wasn’t THAT cold in the house, but it was cold enough. Our parakeet was rubbing two sticks together in his cage, presumably to start a wee fire for warmth, and even Mrs. That Dan Guy had been sipping on her morning coffee from a perch atop the stove. I can take a hint…

Considering that it’s almost July, things are looking grim for summer so far. Even the mosquitoes seem to have delayed migrating back from Winnipeg so far this season. Which is nice, if we wanted to sit outside in sub-zero temperatures. We could barbeque hot dogs from icicle sticks.

Some day, the mercury will likely rise above the level we’d expect of out refrigerator. But by then it could be a cold comfort if we’ve slipped into hibernation.

Ugh…..

Chow for now!

Hi-Yo!!

I wonder if that is spelled properly…

If recollection serves me, that was the sort of exclamation mark Ed McMahon used to vocalize, to punctuate gags that Johnny Carson was putting forth during his broadcasts of The Tonight Show.

I need an exclamation mark.

!

Hmmm…sort of lacks the zing of “Hi-Yo!”

I must work on this when I’m a little more awake…

Yo-Hi!!!

(Chow for now…)

The 2010 Tony Awards vs. CMT Awards

Hey, one of our favourite awards show broadcasts here in the Such Is Life household consistently ends up being The Tony Awards, Broadway’s annual celebration of…well, Broadway, I suppose.

Compared to country music’s CMT Awards the other night, it wasn’t even a fair fight. The Tony’s were well-paced, funny, eye-popping and one heck of a sales pitch to travel down to NYC to take in a production.

The CMT Awards, hosted by Kid Rock, came off like an awkward shared shower with an elderly aunt.

Just painful…

Chow for now!!

Chow for now!!

Chow for now!!

When I say “Hilshire”, you say “FARM”!!

“Hilshire!”

(Did you say FARM???)

GO MEAT!!!

Chicken Scratch

Items You Never Serve A Chicken, File # 038.

(Cluck fer now…)

Hmmm…the 11^th you say…

Hey, I know FIFA is in full swing right now, or perhaps more accurately, full kick. I will confess, I’ve never been a huge soccer fan, although I do enjoy playing it on the video game version against my highly competitive brother-in-law - for whose self esteem I throw each match, even though I am easily a natural and virtual soccer juggernaut.

My dislike could be rooted in an old sports injury I received back in high school. This is a newspaper column of mine from a few years back:

Mr. Sports

Even though I tend to live a relatively sedentary lifestyle, I have had two notable sports injuries in my life.

Not so very long ago, I needed medical attention for a substantial laceration on my foot, inflicted while I was at home, folding a pair of socks. I know what you’re thinking – where was our housekeeper that day?? And how exactly was I folding those socks?

Even more inexplicable (or just ironic), reinforcing what I said earlier about sports injuries – it was a Nike sock!! What are the odds??

To fess up, I had dropped a solitary sock while folding the pair, and had to reach down to pick it up. Which is when I somehow managed to catch my bare foot on a surprisingly sharp, and frankly downright bloodthirsty drawer handle.

Believe it or not, most serious accidents do happen in the home, and I should have been more vigilant in my chores that day. Even something as seemingly innocent as a pair of socks can suddenly force you deep into the home medicine cabinet, hopping on your one good leg, cursing and howling while hunting for something to stop the bleeding. I often wonder if this sort of thing ever happens to Tom Cruise??

My worst sports injury however, was an actual sports injury. It was back in my first year of high school, during an early morning phys-ed class. Our gym teacher back then had the ghoulish philosophy of starting the day off with brisk physical activity - before our morning coffee even had a chance to cool down!!

At any rate, the game of that particular morning was soccer, and though you wouldn’t know it now by looking at me, I was a natural back then. Thin as a javelin, and swift like a jungle cat, I was naturally funneled into the position best suited to my skills. I played goal (the space behind the goalpost made for a terrific little nook to store my coffee cup…)

As it was bright and early in the morning that fateful day, the ground happened to have a fair amount of dew still settled upon it. I noticed a few of my classmates struggling to stay upright, during the pitched battle further away, on the field.

That pitched battle suddenly had the audacity to come closer to me and my morning coffee. A member of the opposite team kicked a high ball, over to my right side. I flew like a released javelin, into the air, knocking the soccer ball out of bounds, away from the goal. Like a blunt javelin however, when I touched the wet grass, my feet went back towards the net, while the rest of me rushed down towards the grass. Face first…

When I stood up, I thought I was holding a selection of teeth in my hands. Looking down at the damage, I had been gravely mistaken. It was the top half of my bottom lip!! Shaved clean off by my over-bite, I suppose.

Rushing to the hospital, no one thought to perhaps brush the bits of grass out of my mouth, so when we got into the emergency room, that was the first order of business. Remarkably, without having preserved my lip-bit on ice, it was successfully reattached.

During my convalescence, I retired from soccer. Who knows? Had I stayed with the game, there could have been a movie named “Bend It Like That Dan Guy”!

Unlike Mr. Beckham, they’d be referring to my clavicle…

Chow for now!!

Medical Musings

· It has come to my attention recently that after wearing an apple a day around my neck for decades, I have never once kept a doctor away. I will discard my vampire garlic along with the apples…

· In anticipation of a worldwide floss shortage, I have begun a voluntary odd/even day flossing regimen, to preserve my stockpile. Odd teeth get flossed on even days, and even teeth get flossed the odd day…

· My official blood pressure is about 36 PSI…I’m over-inflated!

· Triple Fish Oil – three times fishier than regular fish oil!

· “Ibuprofen” means “your profen is throbbing” in Gaelic.

In other news, The Boss, Mr. Bruce Springsteen himself is all over the local news media this morning, spotted in attendance at Spruce Meadows, while here to watch his daughter compete. Of course, only in Canada would pictures of The Boss in June be shown of him wearing warm, insulated clothing, and wearing a heavy scarf.

You really can’t buy that sort of publicity for your local Convention & Visitors’ Bureau…

Chow for now!!

Hark!

What light through yonder window breaks?

Tis sun, methinks – which maketh perfect sense, considering the time of day. Certainly, it could not be Dog The Bounty Hunter, beaming a powerful flashlight through our curtains.

Or could it…

Mrs. That Dan Guy??

Chow for now…

Slow going this morning, compounded by having no lucid thoughts, despite about a half hour or so glaring at the computer screen already.

Well, technically maybe 5 or ten minutes, if you include wandering over to the window to peer outside, stopping to watch a bit of the morning news, occasional wanderings to answer Nature’s call, dozing off here and there, moments of fascination with the paper towel holder beside me, and a study of the last pot lite that has yet to burn out, like the rest already have.

Yeah, I got nothin’…

Chow for now!

A small degree of insomnia last night – so it was up and over to the sofa, where I presumed I could indulge in viewing some late-nite poker – High Stakes, Low Stakes, or T-Bone Stakes.

I was surprised to discover though that GSN, long a haven for poker broadcasting, has ABANDONED televised card-playing, in favour of run-of-the-mill game shows. At least on Sunday night, when it used to run for hours.

Had to surf around, and find some on a sports network.

Couldn’t rely on Game TV, the Canadian version of GSN either. Execs there are apparently smitten with the decades old Dan Akroyd/Eddie Murphy flick, “Trading Places” (not to be confused with home reno show “Trading Spaces” – although maybe that could be the plot basis for “Trading Places 2”…).

They were running that popular old film back-to-back, THREE times over, either intentionally, or due to a broken VCR that wouldn’t release the tape so as to allow inserting something else.

The things you learn, when you can’t sleep at night…

Chow for now!

“Give me the …bear necessities,

The simple bear necessities…

Forget about your worries and your stripes!”

Huh? What does that popular song from Walt Disney’s “The Jungle Book” mean?

If the bear is singing the song, why is he worrying about stripes? Did he knock up a zebra?

These are the things that make me go “Hmm?”

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger (and possible illegal city resident) Charlie Chicken…)

"Yeah, put the empties over by the garage door, Luigi! Then empty the ash-trays!"

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Howdy, humans! Ole Charlie is jus gettin’ sum house-cleanin’ dun, tryin’ ta earn my keeps here wit da peeps.

After tha ravelination on TV this week that chickns ain’t suppose ta be in the city limits, I’m havin’ ta modify my luxurious lifestyle expectashuns…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So, pickin’ up a few things here and there, wearin’ my chicken knuckles down ta tha bone…

Man, I wish I was still snoozin’ in bed right now…hangover house-cleanin’ ain’t befittin’ my stashun in life…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

“LUIGI!! SHAKE A CLUCKIN’ LEG OVER THERE!!!”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sorry, where wuz I?

Oh yeah, whoa iz me…

Well, smoke-break time. Enough cluckin’ anguish fer now – Kay Sara Sara, as the French say. Those pluckin’ French make no sense at all…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now!

Looking out the window at the forlorn patch of lawn where our gazebo once stood, which we’ve now nurtured and encouraged with three different seeding efforts, makes this month’s column seem even more timely:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?cat=32

Chow for now!

Oh-oh!!!

Looks like a certain weekend guest blogger may be living here in Calgary illegally!

Who knew – chickens aren’t allowed in the city?? I may have been harbouring a fugitive, or at least an impolite poultry pushing the perimeters of permission…

No wonder he and his wacky brood hide as much as they do!

Which makes me wonder – how does he maintain his suntan? How does he shop for groceries, beer and cigarettes?

So much to ponder…so little time…

Chow for now!!

I believe I shall become “ripped” today. I’m not entirely sure of the process, but I intend on trading in my “keg” of abdominal protrusion, for a more manageable (and visually appealing) “six-pack”.

It is almost summer, after all. Pretty soon, I’ll be dusting off my muscle shirts and bicycle shorts – which frankly do nothing when draped over what appears to be a male beer belly bordering on the eighth month of apparent pregnancy.

Which also reminds me – it may be time for my annual search of the Yellow Pages, for those handy back hair removal organizations. Spring always seems to instigate a renewal of my Robin Williams back-carpeting syndrome. Shag, that is…

Chow for now!!

Classic Blog Post – June 1, 2006:

Has anybody out there actually had a canary??

That's one of those wacky sayings that you hear repeatedly over the years, and can't ever seem to find a single person that it may have happened to...

"Oh-oh, Daniel!! Your mother's gonna have a CANARY!!!"

My mother has had a lot of things over the years, but a canary was never one of them. A canary out of thin air would have been tremendously cool. Sure, you see magicians pop a dove out of thin air all the time, but how often does one of your parents throw a white hankerchief into the air, only to have it transform into a canary?? Not once in our house, that's for sure...

And these canaries, do they really spend a lot of time in coal mines?? Aren't there forests or residential backyards that they might find a little bit more enjoyable?? Although I'm not so sure that old Police song would have become such a classic, with a common sense title like "Canary In A Tree"...

I was once in the famous Carlsbad Caverns whenI was a kid, and I know that's not really a coal mine, but I can assure you, there was not a single canary to be found down there. Bats by the billions, but canaries?? Nada...

So, my quest continues. I must determine if somebody, anywhere, has ever really HAD a canary. Aside from a mother canary, I mean...

Chow for now!!