“J-J-J-J-Jive talkin’ , tellin’ me lies…

J-J-J-J-Jive talkin’, catchin’ house flies…

J-J-J-J-Jive talkin’, cats are so wise,

J-J-J-J-Jive talkin’, I’ll have some fries…”

Man, they just don’t write songs like that anymore. Although, I will admit that my recollection of the lyrics may be a bit fuzzy. I’m pretty sure they sing something about “deez guys” in there, along with the other lines. Really, you need to be one masterful songwriter to make all those elements work together.

I could have been a songwriter, you know. As a born wordsmith, I naturally leaned towards composing as a teenager - although many of my songs rhymed with acne, which failed to impress publishing houses. Nothing too romantic there, apparently.

Nor much that rhymes with acne, for that matter…

Chow for now!

* Mow Lawn – check.

* Take Out Garbage – check!

* Rake Leaves – check.

* Grease Squeaky Wheel On Little Red Wagon – check!

* Fertilize Petunias – check.

* Check Inflation Levels Of Car Tires – check-eroo!

* Pick Up New i-Phone, and GIFT Blackberry to Mrs. That Dan Guy – to do, pending….

Chow for now!!

If I had been a cowboy, I expect I would have been a swaggering cowpoke, just like John Wayne. I already squint when it’s sunny outside, and I do tend to carry myself with authority. Mrs. That Dan Guy can vouch for THAT, let me tell you.

I don’t think I would have been a rhinestone cowboy. I tend to lean towards earth tones in my wardrobe, and the thought of all those rhinestones clacking around would have driven me crazy, out on the open range.

I know for sure that I wouldn’t have been a Coca-Cola cowboy, because I prefer Pepsi.

There are days when I get a gander at my own man-boobs in the mirror and I worry about how close I come to being a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader…

I suppose I could also have been a Singing Cowboy, considering how well I can carry a tune in the shower. Maybe this morning I’ll practice some yodelling, out in the backyard.

Of course, being such a techno-wizard, maybe I’d be a Space Cowboy. I’m already a bit of a joker, and a smoker – is there such a thing as a Midnight Cowboy? I think there was…

Yee-Haw! We're burnin' daylight, pilgrims...

Chow for now, pardners.

Chicken Scratch

Bud-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dum –Dah

CRASH!!!

Holy Marchin’ Band, Batman!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Happy Saterday mornin’, ya featherless yahoos! Ole Charlie is practicin’ up, for upcomin’ parades…like, say – The Calgary Stampede parade!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Me and Hermoine here are gonna tag-team on cymbals, because cymbal players usually get pretty good placement in the parade process. Unlike all them other insturments, which get lumped inta one big clumpa hat-wearing sweat jockeys. I wanna be seen, in all my poultry glory!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

And why not? Wut’s a chicken gotta do to get a littlel lovin’ aroun’ here? If ya ain’t heard, they already made TV handyman Mike Holmes the pluckin’ parade marshall, so why not tap the chicken world’s answer to Brad Pitt for a little bitta cymbal bashin’? I could bring some class to that stodgy ole event!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Bud-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dum –Dah

CRASH!!!

Whoa! Easy there, Hermoine – it is still pretty early after all. I don’t think the hoomans here is even up yet – rollin’ in as they did at the crack o dawn lass night…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Aw, wut the cluck…HIT IT!!

Bud-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dum –Dah

CRASH!!!

Bud-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dum –Dah

CRASH!!!

Bud-Da-Da-Da-Da-Dum –Dah

CRASH!!!

Ah, muzik ta these ole ears!!

Cluck for now!!

Just when I thought I’d be getting an updated version of my aging Blackberry wireless handheld device, I see a segment on the new i-Phone on our local Breakfast News broadcast this morning. While I may be delaying a full-blown Mac attack here in the Such Is Life household, I could now potentially be introducing the wonder of Apple to our environment, via something like THAT spiffy little gadget!

Not that I don’t love my Blackberry. When we saw Jerry Seinfeld in concert the other day, he unleashed a blistering, hilarious routine against Blackberry users that hit awfully close to home. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m “addicted”, but I have risked my life on several occasions, stopping to “glance” at a new message, midway through one of Mrs. That Dan Guy’s soliloquies on something I will admit I can’t even recall at this particular moment. Rules To Live By: Never encourage a rhinoceros to charge, or glance even briefly at anything electronic when your partner is talking.

At any rate, this new i-Phone looks pretty slick, and it would be a justified purchase, perhaps leading to moving my old Blackberry over to MTDG, who no longer has one, and in her own way, loved the one she owned. If you’re as confused as I am by that last exchange, don’t be alarmed – I think I meant to say that I would gift her my old Blackberry, If I got a new i-Phone. I am generous that way...

Ah well, it's all speculation at this point anyway. The new phone has just come available here, so it will be awhile before I can make a decision. But the door to Apple-Land may slowly be creaking open, here in the Such Is Life household…

Chow for now!

I swear, the version of Windows Vista OS that I have on this computer is like a balloon that just doesn’t have enough helium to float. It’s like a 2-legged centipede. It operates about as well as a refrigerator without a door. I’d say that it’s like a fan with half a blade, but that wouldn’t do justice to just how much it blows.

Funny, I had gotten used to the little quirks and disappointments of Vista over time, but lately more are either returning, or new ones are plaguing me. Never mind that the damn thing takes 10 minutes to boot up, and even after that finally occurs, I need to walk through a series of prods that allow for the processor to remember to put down the cheese sandwich and begin processing. The irony is, when we bought this Brainiac Lite system, we decided to splurge – to get something that would be lightning fast, and capable of limitless performance.

Ha!

About as fast as the decomposition of Kraft Dinner still in the box, and about as limitless in performance as being barely able to keep track of time on the dashboard widget shaped like a clock (sometimes it scrolls baseball scores).

The other day, we were trying to make a simple DVD for a gift. First off, the blasted computer programs (three in total) wouldn’t recognize the camera, despite my having repeatedly loaded the software, and even the necessary upgrades to work with Vista. Hee Hee…”work with Vista” – the penultimate oxymoron…

Then, the software program to edit the short video clip appeared to work, but failed twice during the burning part of the effort. When I finally spent the required twenty minutes of boot/reboot/boot it in the ass one more time/reboot, the final product was filled with unedited footage, despite my having saved an edited version ONLY. I deleted the other footage, so the Vista brain had to really improvise to return THAT for the DVD.

I need to find a support group for addle-minded computer operating systems.

Or the owners that keep them…

Chow for now!!

Jerry Seinfeld Calgary Fundraiser Owen Hart Foundation

The Wednesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review: Jerry Seinfeld.

(Or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Well, last night Mrs. That Dan Guy and I damn-near died from the bends. We were nowhere near water nor scuba diving gear, but our risk was just as real. When you’re in the audience of a Jerry Seinfeld stand-up gig, you could quite possibly expire bent-over laughing.

We have seen some of the biggest names in the business, but seeing Mr. Seinfeld was up at the top of our to-do list. He was here in Calgary last night as part of an annual fundraiser for the Owen Hart Foundation (http://cobloh.com/ohf/index.html ), formed 10 years ago after the tragic accidental death of the wrestling star prior to the start of a match in Kansas City. Seinfeld had TWO sold-out shows to perform back-to-back, but if his energy level and duration of our early show were an indication, the next group into the auditorium wasn’t getting out any time soon either.

So, Jerry Seinfeld, the stand-up. Holy Toledo – this man brings the genre to a level beyond any expectation you could imagine. Most stand-ups start slowly and build their gags – Seinfeld was zinging his bits out like a Dutch windmill, and even though each routine was top drawer, the following bit would beat the last gag. Easily lampooning the quirky every-day behaviour of us as humans, world events, and even his own foibles and irritations, his humour seemed like a scattergun attack to hit as many members of the audience as possible, yet with laser precision.

There were times you just couldn’t quit shaking, yet another bit was building, and you were convulsing again. Seemingly innocent items, such as a package of cookies, the nefarious Blackberry handheld device, and a disdain for Twittering (or Tweeting – for the birds no matter how you call it) were just killer material.

Particularly fun was a commentary on the differences between men, women, and married couples – Seinfeld turned that observation into a daily game show, whereby he leaps every morning from bed, stands in front of the game show podium, and prepares to answer the “Were You Really Listening” speed round.

For an encore, Seinfeld came back onstage, and answered questions – many about his hit self-named TV show. If you aren’t aware, the entire cast has a mini-reunion coming up on the “Curb Your Enthusiasm” series – make sure you don’t miss that if you’re a fan.

I’d love to just share all his lines, but really – you need to find out where this guy is going to be next, and pick up tickets. But make sure you’ve got medical assistance nearby – Jerry Seinfeld just might kill you with comedy…

Chow for now!!

I think I might have the sort of personality type that would lend itself to my becoming a prospector. If I only knew where the gold was in them thar hills, I’d be getting’ myself a floppy hat, growin’ a beard, buying a burro, and settin’ out with just a pick and a shovel for buried fortune.

Although, Mrs. That Dan Guy isn’t tremendously liberal when it comes to beard growing. She pretty much prohibits it. I don’t think you can become a successful prospector with a shaven mug. You sure wouldn't look too authentic while you were in the saloon sipping on a sarsaparilla.

And now that I think of it, I’m not much of a hat person myself – never mind a floppy prospector’s chapeau. Knowing how clumsy I am, it would just be a matter of time before someone had to cut the drawstring away from my ears, as the circulation there was getting stifled.

When you stop and think about it, would I even get along with a burro? We don’t even have a dog, for Pete’s sake – and there’s another thing. Pete is a great name for a prospector. Dan – not so much.

Guess I better put this new pick on eBay…yet another get-rick-quick scheme shot down in flames…

Sigh…

Chow for now!

HOLD ON!!!

I’m not ready for Monday yet – please let it still be Sunday!!!

Oy…

I was really enjoying the weekend. Sitting out in the gazebo…having a cold one…communing with nature…listening to the birds sing…I ran out of time before I could stop and smell The Roses (our neighbours, which just seems like an awkward thing to do, if you ask me – how do these popular sayings outlive putting them into practical application??).

But Sunday just seemed to fly right by. Maybe we shouldn’t have had “fast food” for dinner – that may have moved things along too quickly.

Maybe I shouldn’t have rented “The Hustler” – again, too fast a movie to slow down what remained of our weekend.

I guess napping through most of the afternoon might have also accounted for it passing by so quickly…

Ugh…

Oh well, there’s always another weekend right around the corner.

Chow for now!!

We’re in the process of re-doing my home office, which has essentially been a rat’s nest of mismatched, under- and over-sized furniture since we moved in here a few years ago. In short – a complete ground-zero atomic bomb explosion site – just the sort of environment I feel most comfortable in.

Oh well, there’s something to be said about organization, and workplace efficiency – perhaps I can thrive in that sort of environment as well. Lord knows if I can even just find my keyboard during this effort we’ll have scored a surprise victory.

We participated in a neighbourhood-wide yard sale yesterday. It was something I was less than thrilled about doing (“no flippin’ way am I going to sit outside in pouring rain to get bartered down to 25 cents for a Van Gogh original!!”), but after the first hour I had to admit to Mrs. That Dan Guy that she may have been on to something. My old office furniture went quickly, plus several other household items that had been taking up space where we were still using them. I believe I even went so far as to call her “pretty smart” for getting us involved in that effort.

Anyhow, for today I am typing this blog up on a couple of stacked milk cartons, and sitting on piled phone books that I have been a bit slow to bring to the recycling depot ((who's “pretty smart” now, eh?). Luckily we still had an old candle with part of a wick that I was able to successfully ignite for some small bit of light in here.

Soon, this room will be a model of modern efficiency. And it’s all thanks to MTDG – or at least I’ll let her think it was her idea…

Chow for now!!  

Chicken Scratch

Mmmm.

Summer eez in zee air, mon amis. (Mes Amis? Mon petit knuckleheads…)

Yezz, summer eez now hare, and with it, thoughts of loooove  - or at least a variety of fresh new faces. Charlie (or Charles, for zee purpose of the suave lover that I am) looks forward to stepping out wiz many new lady friends this year.

"Sacre Bleu…"

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah, mes petit dum-dums…my head she is swilling with zee possibilities of unfamiliar feathers, moist new beaks, and very low IQs. Charles prefers his lady friends corn-fed, and slightly...how you say…airhead??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Oui Oui, Cheri. Every little breeze seems to wheespair Louise.

COUGH! COUGH! COUGH!

Pardon moi – these cigarettes sometimes make me wheeze..hey, that eez somewhat poetic, yes non?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Perhaps I should beg your pardon, as I depart for my annual grooming. Zees pinfeathers don’t just place themselves, don’t you know? My stylist works wonders, bringing a certain lift to my signature plumage.

Even though some plumage appears to be less prolific theez days.

Arriverderci, mon amis. Mes Amis? Aw cluck – amis…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck. For now…

Whoa!

This is my 1206th post, on 12/06 - how is that even possible??? Freaky Number Coincidences - BACK OFF!!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Have to phone CAA this morning, to have a non-responsive vehicle towed to the garage. I had boosted the beast and briefly saw it running for the better part a day, but now it simply lies on the driveway – temporarily deceased, primarily pulse-less.

I’ve had a long history of those sorts of vehicles, starting with each and every major American automaker’s product. GM products, Ford products, and an extended waltz with Chrysler products (at least five in a row). All I can say now about Chrysler products is that they make my Windows Vista operating system look like the most efficient invention since chocolate chip cookies.

Mmmm – chocolate chip cookies – now I know what I’M having for breakfast…

At any rate, my point is, since moving over to an Acura not too long ago, I can only wish the reconfigured American automakers the best of luck in their futures – a future that will absolutely NOT include my investment of time (walking to a pay phone from where it has died on the road), or money (to keep the breakdowns below six a month). I’ll keep my foreign vehicle, dummy errant grotto, Mr. Roboto!

Chow for now!  

Hello – June ELEVENTH…

So, over the past couple of days, I took a stab at my first-ever auction purchase on e-Bay.

I know, I know – “Hey Dan, there’s this really cool new invention – it’s called the wheel. We were able to start cranking them out once Harry invented fire.”

So I’m a little slow to get to the party. Better late than never, although my inexperience may have cost me what I had hoped to walk away with. I think I I discovered (to my ultimate dismay) something called an “automatic bid”, whereby every time I raised my own bid towards the end of the auction, my nemesis automatically outbid me instantaneously ( I don’t know you, “e…..b”, but may camels spit on your oatmeal…).

Oh well, along with many other learning curves in life, I am now older and wiser, thanks to my initial fling with e-Bay. Maybe next time I’ll even walk away with my prize, however cheap (or progressively over-priced) it might eventually close at.

One thing at least – I’ve got a topic for my next newspaper column…

Chow for now!!

Hmmm. E-mail issues this morning. This could be a fun way to start my day…

Can’t even access it via webmail. It would have to be my business account, that I rely on for virtually everything…

What is it with me and flippin’ computer issues???

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!

Chow for now…

A blank page before me – and not a single thought between my ears begging to be submitted to help fill it. These are the mornings that I really wonder why I ever decided to do this blasted blog EVERY day!!

 We were out most of the day yesterday, so I’ve got nothing to consider from the boob tube. We did watch “Michael Clayton”, the drama flick with George Clooney and a cast of solid character actors. It was OK, but done a hundred (thousand) times before. It could have benefitted by a flying dog or something, but that could just be my own viewpoint, clearly not shared by Academy Award voters that bestowed an Oscar on Clooney for the film. I think. He has won one (Ha Ha Ha – won (1) one (1) – now those numbers are haunting me in my own sentences!!).

 Aside from the Air Bud movies, and the recent big-screen remake of TV’s cartoon hero “Underdog” (“Here I Come To Save The Day”, if by that you mean going straight to DVD), you just don’t see many flying dogs in the movie theatres.

Or talking dogs for that matter. I do miss talking dogs in dramatic roles. I often wonder if “ER” would still be on the air, if they had added a hip, street-wise urban talking dog to the regular cast of emergency room doctors. But they went with John Stamos instead, and the show went off the air.

Never underestimate the power of animals to propel the success of your broadcast. Or provide enough silliness to fill one of these here blog posts…

Chow for now!!   

Whoa! Late start alert!!

We caught “The Soloist” over the weekend, a movie starring Robert Downey Jr., and Jamie Foxx. You’ve probably heard about the film, based on the best-selling book by Steve Lopez, of the L.A. Times. The book was the end result of columns he wrote, about the character played in the movie version by Foxx.

Well, this flick is one powerful night out. Both stars do exceptional work onscreen, and the end result is pretty heavy by the time you leave the theatre.

Downey Jr. plays reporter Steve Lopez in the flick, whom Mrs. That Dan Guy and I will be sitting in front of, in just a few weeks. He’s a keynote speaker at my annual writing conference this year. Well, one of the keynote speakers. This year’s event may well be one of the best I’ve ever attended, but I guess you’ll have to wait until it’s happening to read all about it here.

Of course, with all this normalcy comes my usual numerical intrusions. From all the movie theatre choices in Calgary, we chose the one where it was playing in Theatre #11. See ticket stub as “Exhibit A”, submitted into evidence.

On the way home, we ordered a pizza for a late-nite snack, and discovered the morning afterward when we were recycling the box, that we were coded as #11.

On Sunday, we watched a movie from Movie Central that we had recorded. “Righteous Kill”, with Robert De Niro, and Al Pacino. Pretty good film, aside from the scene where De Niro is playing on the NYPD rec ball team, and his player number is…what are the odds…ELEVEN!!

I’ve gotta buy a book on Numerology…

Chow for now!!  

                                             

Video clip, yesterday morning. Click on the arrow.

I was just going to pick up my morning paper from the front stoop.

Who knew I should have been looking for Saint Nick???

“Summer in The City”? NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

(PS - Is there any LOGICAL reason that uploading a 6-second video snippet takes 45 minutes??????)

Chicken Scratch

Ya know, there are millions a chickens all over the world.

There’s chickens in Hawaii, Acapulco, Jamaica, and Bora Bora. Me, I’m a chicken in CLUCKIN’ CANADA – where it pluckin’ snows IN JUNE!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!!

Mother of Goose, is this Siberia? Did I attempt to whack a high-rankin’ Russian politician?? Why has the Great Chicken forsaken me so????

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Fresh snow fallin’ an I can barely see my feed on the patio outside. Prisoners had it easier in Alcatraz, than I got it here in the Such Is Cluckin’ Life household.

Such is life indeed, by the tips of my frozen pinfeathers!!!!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

“Hello, Governor? I’m looking into my pardon status? Is there a reprieve on the horizon?”

I need a stiff one – something whiskey based, to start a fire in my belly – cause we ain’t got any hope outside here today…

Pluckin’ heck…..

Cluck for now…

The rain in de plain falls mainly down the drain…

It’s raining, it’s pouring – the old man is now up and awake thanks to early morning thunderstorm, and may as well do this here blog.

Typical of Canadian weather patterns, it is gearing up to be a lousy weekend, after a beautiful sunny week. This is what we live for here - soggy weekends of rain slicker-wearing and rubber boot employment, after going to work every day in sweltering heat and sunny sunshine. Or in my case, viewing the sweltering heat and sunny sunshine from my office window.

I know I’m exaggerating a bit here, but ask any Canadian that doesn’t live in Vancouver. The weather forecast here in Canada during the summer is primarily:

Monday: Hot & Sunny. Birds will be mopping their brows.

Tuesday: Sunny & Hot. Dogs will shave off their fur to get a good base on their tan.

Wednesday: Clear skies, hot with a mild breeze. Sailboat owners require tows from speedboats to maintain forward movement.

Thursday: Highest temperatures of week, and angels toss chocolate kisses from passing clouds.

Friday: Sunny and warm in morning, by noon a brisk arctic wind is bending over full-grown trees. Dark clouds mimic solar eclipse. Aunt Edna’s knee seizes up – surest sign of pending precipitation.

Saturday: Awake to downpour, and record low temperatures. If you’ve been silly enough to go tenting, a fresh stream has begun to flow under your sleeping bag. Even ducks are inside a cabin, watching cartoons on TV.

Sunday: Severe thunderstorm with hail and ice rain. Thermometer readings about the same as your average meat locker. Just as you’re packing up camp to head back home, the sun peeks out, and the rain stops. Temperatures lukewarm for dinner barbecue back at home.

Monday: Hot & Sunny. Corn and wheat spring up everywhere. Lasts until Friday afternoon.

But that could just be my own personal observation….

Chow for now!!  

You know who’s still the funniest guy on late-nite talk? Craig Ferguson – that’s right…a crazy Scot only recently turned American - NOT the long-time local yokels….

Last night, we caught the start of Craig’s show, and he opened with a hilarious sketch to the tune of “Istanbul, Not Constantinople”, with choreography that was clearly very well rehearsed, even including a belly dancer and puppets. We couldn’t stop laughing, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I.

Never mind that he OWNS monologues – not even Letterman can touch him on that effort. And Conan…well, after viewing his first two episodes of his rendition of the Tonight Show, he sure does like his staged video clips. Some of which are funny…

We were in the habit of watching Mr. Ferguson on a regular basis, but got away from the show for no apparent reason other than forgetfulness. It’s about time we got back into the habit…

Chow for now!!   

Just for fun, I intend on skipping whenever possible today.

No, not skipping rope – that would be way too normal. I mean skipping along -as in a walk with an exaggerated gait.

I’m never really sure what prompts these urges, but I thought it might be fun to have people steer clear of me in the local shopping mall, or as I walk down the sidewalk. Hey, who says we need to be normal all the time?

I may even sing something as I skip along. Maybe that peppy sing-a-long classic, “The Happy Wanderer” (Val-De-Reeeee, Val-De-RAAAAAA!!!!). Who knows? 

If I could find a hat with a feather, and some lederhosen, that ditty would be downright appropriate.

Just in case I need bail money, or men in white jackets with butterfly nets get too close, stay tuned – and check your e-mail often.

Yours truly,

The Skipper

Chow, for now!!

We really ought to have TV cameras filming the day-to-day activities here in the Such Is Life household. We’re as entertaining as anything you’ll ever see on “reality” TV shows - at least based on any given episode I’ve ever seen. You could catch us watching TV shows, lounging in our yard on lawn chairs – we could even have a segment where we play with bugs, like they did last night on one of the actual “reality” shows.

Good Golly Miss Molly – we suffered through the last three minutes of “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here” last night, while waiting to catch the debut of Conan O’Brien’s first “Tonight Show”. People actually watch this stuff? 

First off, shouldn’t a celebrity be someone you might actually RECOGNIZE? Second, and based on the three minutes of the program we endured – I think we’d both rather have red-hot fireplace pokers driven through our knees, than have to actually lose an hour of our lives watching that stupidity every week.

But who are we to judge, I suppose? If viewers are tuning in, why WOULDN’T the networks offer up costless crapola like that? I imagine it’s a damn sight cheaper than actually paying for scripts and real actors – some of the “celebrities” might even pay to be on TV for all I know.

I guess we just beat to a different drum. Who knows, maybe 50 years from now this stuff will all be considered classic television.

Or a bad dream….

Chow for now!! 

Well well well….

Lookee here – it’s the first of June, a month which is named ( I believe) after junipers – some sort of common tree or shrubbery. Not sure why Conan O’Brien would choose to launch his version of the Tonight Show in a month named after greenery – maybe it’s the Irish in him?You know, that could just about make sense, with my questionable system of logic…

Speaking of that very system of logic – this week is clearly my “Week Of Major Volunteering”. It all started with Mrs. That Dan Guy and I helping out yesterday at the HSBC Marathon, at one of the water stations for runners. Man, I will confess - even just watching all the runners I was fatigued to the point of needing to come straight home afterwards, and recuperate in a lawn chair with a cold beer for the entire afternoon – that exercise stuff is STRENUOUS!!

We did that to help out the Canadian Diabetes Association, for which I am a volunteer. I have three more commitments this week for them – doing a couple of presentations, and a display at a local library. Unlike some of those other glamorous diseases, the CDA doesn’t have like a giant plastic lung that I can stand beside – just traditional posters and display material. I could have a lot of fun chatting people up beside a giant plastic lung…

Now, why was that an example of my wacky logic? Well, let’s get back to that in a minute. We’ll take a side road to arrive at that destination.

1)      At the marathon yesterday, MTDG had to move a box of supplies. A box that was marked in felt pen with a big #11.

2)      Also at the marathon, MTDG just happened to hand out a wet sponge (you do that at marathons – I’d be tossing that aside in favour of a cold beer) to runner #1111!!

3)      GM stocks are currently valued at around $1.11 (I didn’t make that up).

4)      The street address number of the library I’m presenting at this morning is 11131 – essentially 1111 with a 3 that wandered in accidentally.

WHAT IS IT WITH 1111??????????????????????????????????

And there we have my questionable system of logic, tied in to how numbers continue to haunt me…

Chow for now!!

And now, the end is near…

Farewell, May! It’s been great knowin’ ya! Although you sure could have brought along a few warmer days this year, you didn’t do too bad overall. The snowfalls so late into the year was a bit of fun, once I got over gnashing my teeth in woe over those particular days…

But now, June is standing in the shadows, and I’d say from the looks of things, she’s wearing her summer bonnet. I might be wearing a summer bonnet myself, considering the goofy turn this post is taking this morning. Egads!!

For fun, I continue to post these updates on Safari (a Mac web-server product). I say “for fun” to be polite – the new version of Windows Explorer has a few cool Mac-like features, but overall is simply Windows at the end of the day. I need Picture Windows, not some little single-pane effort. Actually, every time I think of “pane”, and “Windows”, I admire the connection there.

Off to volunteer for the Canadian Diabetes Association this morning, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I – we’re helping out with the HSBC Marathon – I figure as long as I don’t actually have to run, walk or stagger myself, it’s literally the least I can do.

Cluck….OOOPS!!!! CHOW, for now!!

Chicken Scratch

 Ooooohhh……..

 Ya ain’t suffered until a rollin’, explodin’ burp’s come outta yer beak….

 Oooooohhh…..

 BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

 Mother of goose, I ain’t had such a bad reaction since the last chili-eatin’ contest I entered last summer, and I found out it was TURKEY CHILI!!!!

 I got a marchin’ band in my belly, and it’s blowin’ fireworks all the way up my esofygus!! Now I know what the outer part offa firecracker feels like!!

 BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

 The worstest part is, I can’t thinka wut I had, that gave me such a bad reaction. It was movie night here last night for the flock, and between the pretzels, the popcorn, the potato chips, the deep-fried nachos with cheese and peppers, peanuts (peanuts in a shell), cotton candy, chocolate-covered almonds, mini-donuts, hot dogs, Trail Mix, ice cream sandwiches, and gallons a Diet Coke – I can’t narrow down what’s boxin’ in my intestines!!

 BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

 Mebbe next time I’ll avoid the lettuce and veggie stix at lunchtime…

 Oooooohhhhh…..

 I wonder iffa cold beer would calm this ole gullet down??

 Nuthin’ ventured, nuthin’ grained!!!

 BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

 Cluck fer now!!  

Looks like we’re shaping up to have a fan-tas-tic weekend, here in the Such Is Life neck of the woods.

Now, why do they call it “neck of the woods” I wonder? I know trees have trunks. I know they have branches, roots and leaves, but I’ve never ever heard of a tree having a neck. Unless it’s a reference to the trees being bare “nekked”, and some zealous editor of a magazine or newspaper correcting that spelling over time, to make it more palatable to readers?

So much to know, so little time left after network television programs to bother learning…

Hey, speaking of network television, tonight is the last Tonight Show with Jay Leno! We’ve caught the last couple of nights, and it’s been a bit of fun watching him wind his run down. There’s supposed to be a big surprise tonghit – I’m wondering if Dave Letterman is going to stop by. He seems to have put his show into repeats this week while Jay signs off, so that could be a possibility.

 And if it happens, you could say you heard it here first. Not that anybody is going to give a rat’s ass when you tell them, but you really could say that…

 Finally, doing a quick search of my Google statistics, I see that my review of the Stage West production here of “Buddy – The Buddy Holly Story”, and a mention of The Human Statues (starring in that production” continues to remain in the Top Ten of Google search results. Not bad considering that this here (humble) blog has no affiliation with a major media site, like most of the other results that show up.

Now, if I could only get those weekend chickens to start pulling their weight here…

Chow for now!!

Not much on TV at 5:00 in the morning. I suppose I could watch morning newscasts, but who wants to clutter up their brains with that sort of stuff, first thing in the morning? I suppose if I looked hard enough, I'd find some cartoons. Too dopey...

Found "Cheers", so at least I've got something to chuckle at....

Chow for now!

It’s been two weeks since Fleetwood Mac cancelled their tour stop for here in Calgary (on the day of the flippin’ concert no less), and still no word yet on a rescheduled return date. Even though I await here by my phone, newspaper in hand, radio and TV in the background, no word. 

We are Mac-less, in more one ways than one…

 Chow for now!! 

The irony is not lost on me – despite having a chance earlier in the year to switch to a Mac computer, and now having extended my reliance on Windows by snapping up a netbook laptop – I must post these blogs on a Safari web browser. It’s like Mac and Apple are the only kind souls on the digital planet, “nice folks”, and yet I still insist on choosing to go out with the troubled “bad boys” of the computer world.

 Aaargh!!!

 At any rate, the newest version of Explorer, the Windows- based web browser offered by Microsoft seems to not allow me to copy and paste from Word docs anymore, which is how these postings are born. And that’s only because:

a)      I often forgot to use the Spell-Check feature on Blogger, in my haste to post, and found myself making even less sense than I do now, and

b)      Blogger used to crash or freeze during my posts, probably because they are a competitor to Microsoft. So on the odd occasion where I wrote a blog that was worthy of some sort of global digital media award, it would disappear into the electronic abyss, never to be seen again. I was starting to get a sloped forehead, from all the banging of that part of my noggin on the wall beside my desk.

 At any rate, in order to continue writing these posts in advance on Word, then copying and pasting to the web, I have to use a Mac browser.

 Just a little dagger in my heart, every time I think or what could have been…

 Or may yet be???

Chow for now!!

I am pleased to report that despite a small threat of rain yesterday, our weekend here in the Such Is Life household was primarily spent enjoying the Great Outdoors (albeit only as far as our own back yard…).

 Yessir, we ate outside, read the newspaper outside, played cards outside, and even avoided household chickens – all the while outside. It was a great weekend.

 Although, I still managed to get haunted by the number 11 during the past 48 hours – in entirely unrelated settings. Both indoors and outdoors.

 Saturday night, we were watching the Steve Carell remake of “Get Smart”, and ran out of gas, likely due to too much fresh air from our time spent outdoors. We stopped the show on our PVR, but when we took it back up again Sunday, we discovered that we had stopped it at EXACTLY 1:11!! Aye Caramba!

We then decided to talk a little walk (outside – it’s better than circling our living room repeatedly), and we were walking down a little side street in our neighbourhood when I felt an urge to turn around at loo at the house we were walking past – it was street address #111!!  Vaya Con Dios!! 

Finally, we got back home and settled in for the night, and decided to order a pay-per-view movie – Mickey Rourke’s “The Wrestler” (excellent flick, by the way…). Which turned out to be loaded with 11’s – the unit of his manager’s home is number 11, and his daughter lives at #29 – which adds up to 11.

Numbers 11, 111, and 1111 – hear me now – leave us alone, or reveal why in the name of sweet potato pie you are stalking me.

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

I am not crazy…

Oh crap – I did that eleven times….

Oy...Chow for now…

One weekend later, but our gazebo is now up and at 'em. As a matter of fact, we had a lovely little barbecue last night, and sat on our patio set admiring it. Today, we may even sit IN it!!



Summer may have finally arrived in our neck of the woods. We'll know for sure once it reaches our ankles. At any rate, we may be able to pack away our toques and earmuffs for sure this time.



Hey, this is the first blog post I'm making from our new netbook, a tiny laptop we plan on using for our trip to California in June. Aside from having a keyboard that only a mouse could love, this puppy has all the functions of a larger system, but it's way smaller - for those delightfully roomy airline cabins. Again, only a mouse could love...



The best part - Windows XP, NOT Vista....



Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch 

Howdy humans, on this fine Saturday morn!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, ole Cornelius has done gone an loss his mind – he thinks he’s gonna be a late-nite infomercial king!! 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!! 

Yessir, Corny’s got hisself a popcorn maker, and he plans on sellin’ these things on late-nite TV. I ain’t got the heart to tell his dumb pinfeathers that these things are available in stores everywhere already…. 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!! 

Although, we are talkin’ about humans here, and one that watch late-nite TV infomercials, so maybe he ain’t so crazy after all…

Hmmm...

I think I oughta consider tryin’ that sales bit misself! Mebbe I could come up with a formula for premature feather loss. Or a lotion to smooth over those rough claws after a hard day a walkin’ around the coop!

I think I may need to get workin’  on this. If I wants ta get a convertible this summer, I need to increase my cash flow. Cluck, I need ta GET a cash flow!! 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hot damn, way ta go Cornelius! Yer a clickin’ genius!!

Cluck for now!!

I either have a screw loose, or a wish to die by a massive brain implosion, brought about by heightened levels of computerized frustration.

A couple of days ago, I foolishly agreed to install the newest version of Internet Explorer, not even considering for a moment that Explorer is a Microsoft product. Technologically, Microsoft and I get along about as well as a chicken that's accidentally wandered into a fox convention at dinnertime. We just don't...

Anyhoo - now all the things I used to take for granted, like being able to surf the web freely and happily, whilst whistling and flinging sun rays from a basket, appear to have come to a grinding halt. Yesterday, I couldn't even cut and paste into the latest version of Explorer.

Explorer? An explorer that's been hit in the head by an axe, maybe...

Well Safari and Firefox, looks like we're gonna be spending some quality time together....

Chow for now!!

Thursday - the day after Hump Day - a day which still elicits a giggle I will confess...

Thursday - named centuries ago for Olympic great Simon Thur. (Thurly you will believe that...)

Thursday - in my humble consideration, a far more appropriate day to be called Hump Day, because you have to get past Thursday to arrive at Friday...

Thursday - the morning you must have a cigarette, after enjoying Hump Day...

Thursday - actually, maybe it was named in error for the god Thor? Was Thor a god, or just a son of a god? Who knows this stuff? And, who eventually went to Valhalla State Penitentiary for misspelling Thorsday on the first calendars??

Thursday - a day I must scramble to get ready for actual commitments outside of my home office, and therefore lack the timer required to post something that actually makes sense..

Happy Thursday, or Thorsday, whichever day you happen to observe!!

Chow for now!

Wednesday - the work-week (such as it is here in the “Such-Is-Life” household) is already half-over. That’s not only a delightful thought, but also a sentence with a whole lot of hyphens…

Wednesday – the traditional day of the week that wieners and beans are served for supper in households all across North America. At least that’s what Mrs. That Dan Guy says every Wednesday when I press her for variety in our diet planning…

Wednesday – A far more logical day of the week for weddings than the ones on the weekend, wouldn’t you say? Just look at how the word is right there, in the name of the day!!

Wednesday – it is Wednesday, isn’t it???

Wednesday – the longest day of the week that precisely and immediately precedes Thursday.

Wednesday – a smoke screen for yet another day where I sit here without a single cohesive thought rambling through my cerebrum…

Chow for now!

Here it is, almost the end of May, and our furnace is working overtime. How delightful.

We had turned it off (a couple of times, actually) earlier this month, but keep having to fall back on it for little comforts like keeping our tap water flowing, and offsetting frostbite or hypothermia in the home.

Yesterday, we decided to be brave, and take a little walk in the rain. It was just a light drizzle, so we dressed for the weather, and even took umbrellas. After a bit of the hike had transpired, as hikes are prone to do when you’re actually moving one foot in front of the other in a continuous manner, we were heading back to our starting point. When the snow started to fall…

Oh, it’s not as bad as it sounds, even though it is almost June. Nothing like perpetuating the Canadian stereotype though! Now we’ve got extra material for our igloo roof!

On the plus side, the weather kept most other hardy souls off the trails, so we had the unexpected bonus of coming across a pair of deer grazing in the valley below the trail. They blended right in with the rest of the forest, in their camouflage parkas and hip waders. It was their exposed white tails that caught our attention. Deer should really learn to start wearing pants, and then maybe their natural predators might have a harder time spotting them whilst they graze.

At least, that’s how I see things…

Chow for now!!

Well, on the plus side, we had our first barbecue of the “summer” yesterday afternoon. A delightful meat-and-potatoes meal, fresh from the outdoor grill. It was absolutely heavenly.

On the negative side, we awoke to a light dusting of snow, frozen extremities, and a hasty need to restart the furnace, which is now humming merrily along in the background. We will never be accused of holding the oil and gas sector recovery back, here in Canada…

We’ve been enjoying a bit of a lazy long weekend, here in the Such Is Life household. The plan was to set up our back yard for summer enjoyment, but seeing as how summer has been hoofed in the gonads by Jack Frost, it would appear that we weren’t really so remiss in never getting around to that.

We did manage to pull out the BBQ and a patio table, but toward the end of preparing the meal, high Arctic winds had kicked in, and the sky was darkening, so we put almost all of that away, and ate in the house.

One thing we did manage to do – get out to an electronic superstore, to pick up a little something for our upcoming trip to California. More on that tomorrow…

Until then, I must remove my mittens and make Mrs. That Dan Guy and I some breakfast.

Chow for now!!

Oh brother…

About a year ago, I picked up a book I thought I really needed to read. It’s called “The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Improving Your Memory”.

But I keep forgetting to read it…

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Our big plans to put up our gazebo yesterday afternoon were dashed on the shores of Lackadaisical Island. We just plum talked ourselves out of it, preferring instead to have a lazy day around the house.

In our defense, there were winds of almost a half a mile an hour, and a couple of light fluffy clouds seemed to be making aggressive overtures. We didn’t want to risk having to put our beers down, in the middle of the project. It just seemed far more prudent to recline on the sofa, with a bowl of popcorn.

For the record, the light fluffy clouds blew over, likely under the force of those winds. Turns out we could have put the dang thing up after all.

Which we’ll have to do today. Although, it is looking a little ugly out there right now.

Ugh…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

BUK-AAAWK!!!!

Call the governor – we gotsa inhumane rights violation here!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Do we even gotsa governor in Canada?? Who cluckin’ cares – my rights is bein’ violated, and it ain’t right!!!

Just cause I gotta holda “somebody’s” credit card here, and ordered a few “accessories” for my home theatre system – “somebody” here goes nuts, and forces me inta slave labor – I gotta clean ALL the bathrooms in the house!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Oppressed chickens unite!!

I can’t hit the nightclubs with dishpan hands! It ain’t easy to remove the stench of rubber gloves, ya know…

Sheesh, sum people got so sensa humor. Or compassion – how am I supposed ta enjoy big-screen movies without tha benefit a surroun’ soun’?? What, is this Siberia??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Boys and girls, write letters – I don’t know who ya gotta send ‘em to, but send ‘em somewhere!! I must be free!!

Free range, even…

Cluck for now!!

It’s a long weekend in Canada, and possibly even wherever YOU may be reading this as well!

Yee-Haw!!

Our plans?

Well, here in the Such Is Life household, our big master plan for this weekend is to set up our screened gazebo, which is a roomy outdoor structure that we spend most of a day putting up to enjoy the Canadian outdoors, without the interference of rain (a common occurrence this month), mosquitoes (flying bayonets loaded with unsavoury diseases), and renegade Canadian beavers (admittedly rare is suburban back yards, but one can never be too pro-active in matters of preventive maintenance, I always say…).

I’d love to be planning on seeing Elvis Costello at the upcoming Winnipeg Folk Festival, but I guess the lucky beggars that live there will be doing that this summer…

Just sayin’…

Hey, we almost had three of the Original Six set to face off in the NHL finals – until the Boston Bruins were eliminated in overtime last night. Just as I was explaining what the Original Six were, to Mrs. That Dan Guy. I continue to be the kiss of death to any teams I root for.

It feels like I’m really rambling around all over the place this morning. I haven’t even had a chance to brag about how if you type “the buddy holly story stage west calgary reviews” into Google, this here blog will turn up in the top ten search results.

Wait!!! Don’t do that right now!

I haven’t signed off yet…

Chow for now!!

Of all the crazy weather patterns we’ve seen since moving to Calgary a few years ago, the other day completely took the cake. And if you think “someone left the cake out in the rain”, well, yeah, but there was snow too!

Monday afternoon I heard a racket outside. When I looked out our living room window, there was indeed foul weather afoot – a thunderstorm – nothing unusual for the prairies.

However, this was also the first time I’ve ever seen snow falling during a thunderstorm. In freakin’ May…

We have heard that you can literally get snow every month of the year here, but we just laughed that off as the ravings of folks inhaling too much bovine methane emissions.

As we hope to put up our gazebo this weekend, I am wondering if maybe the people saying that sort of thing all the time are just charming loons, or if we should consider waiting to make a summer igloo instead. That way, when the temperature gets way up there on the old thermometer in July and August, we’ll be cool as cucumbers in our ice structure.

Crazy? Crazy like a snow fox…

Chow for now!!

Ugh…

Today’s post was SUPPOSED to be “The Wednesday Morning Nobody Asked Me To, yada yada yada review: Fleetwood Mac”, but sadly the classic rock band’s concert scheduled for Calgary last night was cancelled at almost the very last minute. I was already on my way into downtown to pick up Mrs. That Dan Guy when I got word on the radio station I listen to. And there I was, all dressed up in my Stevie Nicks Goth Collection garb – try ordering a sub sandwich with all that distraction for the poor guy at the counter…

Ugh…

We were SOOO jazzed to see this show, even though technically speaking it was definitely NOT going to be a jazz concert. I can’t even begin to go on about how much we wanted to see these guys, because that is all fodder for my actual posting when we DO get to see those guys. There’s only so much fresh material rolling around in this old skull of mine.

So, we just have our fingers crossed, hoping that the new date is one that we can still attend. As it was, we had to pass on rant comic Lewis Black who was also scheduled for a show here last night, after Big Mac’s concert tickets had already been purchased. This is the same Lewis Black we had hoped to see in Reno, but whom rescheduled his date there to avoid us while we were in town. A fella could develop a complex!

As if all this isn’t frustrating enough, the ole Crapmaster 2000 is really in fine form this morning. The internet has been disconnecting repeatedly since the computer finally agreed to start up this morning, and my keyboard completely failed midway through typing this post. Kick me when I’m down, eh Windows Vista???

Chow for now!!

“Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was white as snow,
And with each and every day that passed, Mary was damn thankful she hadn’t chosen a baby pig for her new pet.”

“If Old McDonald had a farm, was his visionary entrepreneurial cousin named Ronald?”

Least Popular Nursery Rhyme of 2009 – “this little piggy had a runny nose; this little piggy had chills…”

Chow for now!

Hmmm. The 11th…

Hey, does anybody else out there enjoy watching the poker on TV? I suppose a lot of you do, because Sunday night is a poker-watcher’s Utopia, at least up here in Canada. GSN (Game Show Network) alone features hours and hours of back-to-back poker shows. “High Stakes Poker”, “World Poker Tour”, “Poker! Poker! Poker!”, “Poker In The Poconos”. It’s delightful!

For a guy that doesn’t really watch a lot of sport shows, I can sit and watch poker for hours on end. Just last night, sitting on the sofa in my Binion’s t-shirt (a big shout-out to the gg’s), I must have watched about 8 hours of televised poker. OK, I’m probably exaggerating there a bit – it couldn’t have been more than seven and a half hours – we did have to make dinner, and even those frozen meals need more than a few minutes to spring to life in the microwave…

So, what’s the fascination with televised poker? Maybe it’s the lingo – poker comes with a language all its own. Don’t believe me? Try watching any of the programs without a Poker-To-English translation guide. It can’t be done, unless you spend a lot of time watching the shows. How else will you know that you can draw dead with a middle pocket pair, on the River?

To be honest, I’m not even sure that you can draw dead with a middle pocket pair on the River, but you see what I mean? There’s a whole other language out there for professional poker players.

Poker. On TV. There are worse ways to spend your time…

Chow for now!

The Sunday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Evening Out Review – “FunnyFest” Calgary Comedy Festival.

(Or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Evening Out Reviewer…)

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I took in the second-last evening of “FunnyFest”, Calgary’s annual (9th this year) comedy festival – incidentally second in size only to Montreal’s world-famous “Just For Laughs” chuckle-wagon. So, it’s rather a big deal.

You can browse their website for more info:

http://www.funnyfest.com/ or, stay here and submit yourself to more of my own personal reflections. The choice is yours.

And thanks for staying - you’ve clearly made the right decision (but you should still visit their website after you’ve read today’s posting).

“FunnyFest” features comics from all across Canada, the United States, and even a former Canuck now living in England. There are a number of local folks as well, such as the gentleman pictured above. Paul Kuster is a local aboriginal comic, whose last name happens to be Kuster. Spelling aside, that nugget is not lost for potential comic opportunities, which Kuster mines delightfully. MTDG and I had a preview of his performance at an appreciation dinner for Canadian Diabetes Association volunteers here in Calgary. His routine last night was identical, but it illustrates exactly how strong his stuff is – we laughed just as hard, even knowing what the punch-lines were going to be. Only at the stand-up game a few years so far, Kuster is already smooth as the areas of my head that hair has long since vacated from.

There were a load of great performances, both from the U.S. pros, and the Canucks. The headliner that closed out the performances last night, Tommy Savitt had a great routine somewhat presenting himself as a potential catch for the ladies in the audience, but continually seeming to come up with comic deal-breakers. Another highlight.

One surprise – no mention of swine flu at all until almost the very end of the show. Go figure – an easy target, forsaken by most of the performers.

We’ll be sure to check this out again next year – and visit a few of the other venues. We chose this one last night because, uh…well, I won’t lie to you. It was the Stampede Casino, and we know how to get there.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Top o’ tha mornin’, feather-lackers! Charlie saloots ya!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey humans, lookie here – ole Charlie has moved inta the 18th Century – I got misself a Birdberry!!

That’s right kids – now I’m textin’ and e-mailin’ and phone-callin’ up a storm – which is all well and good, but I need to find a few fellow cluckers with one of these thingies themselves… Pretty quiet on the respondin' front.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Still, I can see why these things is so cluckin’ addictive – did you know you can set it up to make different sounds when it rings?? Just like Star Trek!! Beam me up some Jim Beam, Scottie!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Of course, I will admit that this is one of those occasions where I regret not havin’ fingers – them little keys are a pain in the pinfeathers to peck at – and don’t get me started on my stubby little chicken wings!!

I can even set myself reminders on what they call a day-timer. Although for an active bird like misself, it oughta be a night-timer. I think I may be part owl!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So, I gotta get the word out to somma my pals, and definitely the ladies – ole Charlie is wired!!

Cluck for now!!

A Brief History Of Yellow Cut Wax Beans, As Relates Specifically To Me.

Ever since I was a young whippersnapper, which is a real term used to describe children that regularly snapped small tree branches knows as “whippers”, I have favoured yellow cut wax beans as my canned vegetable of choice.

Sure, some people would suggest that canned vegetables are over-homogenized, and feature all the nutrition value of consuming the contents of a foam pillow. Opposing opinions aside, I preferred canned yellow cut was beans above and beyond canned corn, canned peas, and candied yams.

To this day, I will shuffle the cans around in our pantry, avoiding all other canned vegetables, until I have enjoyed a serving of my beloved canned yellow cut wax beans.

But don’t try to get me going on the green variety – it HAS to be the yellow ones. Yellow seemed such a soothing colour tone on my plate, alongside and accompanying mashed potatoes, and a fine cut of broiled meat. Green beans just serve to remind me that vegetables are really fat grass – something a cow should be dining on.

Of course, that’s just one man’s preference…

Chow for now!!

I am into my second week of viewing my Facebook page more than once a year – it seems to be working out.

Then again, if you consider checking continually for new comments an improvement, I guess that’s what I’ve got going on.

On the Windows Vista front, things had started to settle down a bit, but lately I’m back to the same crapola I’ve come to expect from Vista. Just typing this post moments ago, the wireless keyboard and mouse that have been installed for over a year now befuddled Vista, and everything froze. It’s like Vista has a death wish. I’m one baseball bat away from converting Vista to pasta.

The other bit of fun that has consistently plagued or entertained me is the delightful aspect of Vista failing to recognize drivers. It seems to have to reinstall drivers vital to operation over and over again, even if I’ve loaded the software from a disc. You could say that Vista is a few microchips short of a picnic, but even that might be giving it too much credit.

I know what you’re thinking – That Dan Guy, why didn’t you switch over to Apple when you had the chance? Well, a) clearly I have latent masochistic tendencies, and b) I am a few microchips short of a picnic myself.

Oh well – Vista almost works 90% of the time, in a way that borders somewhere between migraine-inducing uselessness, and barely capable. Things could be worse, right?

Happy Happy Happy…

Chow for now!

Of all the sugary breakfast cereal choices, can there possibly be one that’s worse than all the others?

My research this week suggests “no” – they are all quite tasty indeed…

This morning – Fruit Loops!

Chow (literally) for now!

Happy Sink-o de Mayo!

Sink-o?

Did I hear that right on TV this morning? Who celebrates sinks and mayonnaise??? Aye Caramba…

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Man, we are sure enjoying some of these TV shows featuring live performances right now, seeing as how scripted comedy and drama programs seem to have gone out the window with the turn of this century.

First off, we discovered that one of our favourite new shows – “Spectacle, With Elvis Costello” has mercifully turned into a hit, meaning that we have some relief from panting bachelors and bachelorettes sprinting past a gaggle of talking hot dogs, looking for their “soul mate”. Maybe those folks are the ones that need a sink filled with mayonnaise…

“Spectacle” in particular has featured a subdued elegance since it began running, and great guests from all across the musical spectrum. And if I’m not mistaken, it’s a Canadian show that’s a hit. Move over, “Littlest Hobo” - or learn how to play the piano!!

A few others well worth a viewing:

1) Legends And Lyrics, on public TV,
2) Live At The Artist’s Den

I guess the list was shorter than I thought, but the networks do have to keep the airwaves uncluttered for all the celebrity chefs that want to scream at novice helpers for 30 minutes.

Egads, man…

Chow for now!!

M - Moan…yet another new week begins - but never at the crack of noon, apparently…

O - Ornery, which frankly could apply to either one of us, on any given Monday morning. Especially if one of us (the one with less hair) has forgotten to reprogram the coffee maker back from the weekend settings.

N - Nuts! Shouldn’t every day be Saturday? Monday wouldn’t be so bad, if it didn’t fall so early in the week…

D - Dang! I have to give up our lavish weekend buffet breakfasts, and revert back to dry toast and soggy cereal. I may as well be a street urchin, facing a bowl of cold gruel!

A - Aargh!! Mrs. That Dan Guy used her highly-tuned detective skills to ferret out my secret stash of rubber bands from the morning newspapers, inspired to do so no doubt by the target they seemed to place on her back.

Y – Yikes! Look at the time! I need to get my caboose into the shower, and get ready to greet the week. It’s another exciting one, here in the Such Is Life household!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Happy Sunday morning, my favourite human friends! Hen Rietta here, with an exciting excerpt from my latest chick lit effort – “The Lust Luster”.

CLUCK!!!!

Avert young readers’ eyes – this one is particularly steamy!!

CLUCK!!!!

Chapter Six – High Heels & Higher Hopes”

Milly found herself in unfamiliar territory. She had never held a pair of stiletto heels in her hand before, and hesitated to take them straight up to the cash register. But the salesman today, ohhh. Sully had eyes deep as mystic pools, with the waviest hair she had ever seen in her young yet mature enough life. She wanted to be sullied by Sully.

Even though Sully had clearly gazed deeply into her soul, and read her mind as easily as a Dr. Phil self-help opus helps millions of others when he brought out this pair of exquisitely perfect shoes, Milly felt she had to extend this exchange, and gently nudge out some of his personal information.

“So, Mr. Sully – are you single?” she blushed out in a coy purr. Oh my – maybe that wasn’t quite as gentle a nudge as she had intended!

Sully’s softening eyes, and warm smile darn-near melted Milly on the spot. She hadn’t even felt this dishevelled after she had accidentally brushed up against George Clooney (twice) at a Starbucks – as he added sugar to his coffee. It may have been more convincing if she had already bought her own coffee, as she pretended to reach for a stir-stick…

Sully looked deep into her eyes, and his lips slowly parted. “No ma’am, these aren’t single shoes – they come in pairs”.

The illusion was shattered – Sully was clearly dim as a match flickering in the depths of the Grand Canyon. Smiling, she slipped out her VISA card, and at least salvaged the shoes from her exchange…

Sad, eh? Love lost, and all that!! I guess she’ll never know what might have been…

CLUCK!!!

More later, my feather-challenged amigos!!

Cluck for now!!

The Saturday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Evening Out Review – “Buddy, The Buddy Holly Story” Stage West Theatre Restaurants Calgary.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

One of the first live groups I ever saw without my parents’ accompaniment was a “greaser” cover group from Vancouver. They dressed up in 50’s wear, and played all the great hits of that era, which back then wasn’t really all that far behind us.

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I caught another British Columbia-originated band (now based in Toronto), bringing the same music to life as part of the just-opened Stage West production of “Buddy, The Buddy Holly Story”, here in Calgary.

Zachary Stevenson and Jeff Bryant of The Human Statues (more on that group later) help bring this show to eye-popping life, along with a talented supporting cast. Of all the shows we’ve seen here so far, this one absolutely tops the list. When we saw the Stage West run of “DreamGirls”, the very next day we picked up tickets to see James Brown. Unfortunately, he passed away about 12 days before his show here – but that show knocked our collective socks off.

When you see something requiring you to “suspend your disbelief”, you really do want to get “lost in the illusion”. You don’t even have to close your eyes to imagine Buddy Holly on stage for this show – for one thing, Stevenson’s ability to cover Holly songs is downright spooky – as perfect as you are ever going to get without actually sitting right in front of Buddy Holly. But his acting skills and energy sold the performance as well – along with the rest of the cast.

SPOILER ALERT: If you’re not familiar with the story of Buddy Holly’s meteoric rise to fame, the story does not have a happy ending. Holly and two of his musical colleagues died in a plane crash in 1959.

Essentially, the musical arcs his early career, and ends with his last concert. I really should know more of the actual story – I’ve seen the terrific film starring Gary Busey a number of times, and own the DVD. Bright and shiny… But I do know how authentic the music was – as a mobile DJ for years and years and years, I started most of my dances with “That’ll Be The Day” – the song never gets old.

This was also perhaps the most ambitious program we’ve seen here – it seemed like they had double the cast, but when everybody came out for bows afterwards we were surprised to see how few people fleshed out the show. Strong directing, loads of humour, and many highlights. (One in particular, a small town concert intermission act of a local accordion/horn/cymbal group doing the American anthem was about as hilarious as anything we’ve ever seen).

However, the star here was the music, faithfully presented, and gobbled up by the audience. The first act covers the beginning of Holly’s career – the second is a sheer celebration of the end part of his heyday (until you realize he doesn’t survive to the end of the show – hey, I warned you!!).

As it happens, if you’ve read this space for any time, you know I am befuddled by interesting or consecutive number combinations. Well, last night, of all the table the facility features, we were seated at Table #59.

This revival celebrates the 50th anniversary of Holly’s passing – in 1959. I was also born in 1959 – so once again spooky numbers are around me.

For trivia’s sake, Buddy Holly’s big hit “It Doesn’t Matter Anymore” was written by Canadian Paul Anka, who we saw live in concert not too long ago. Trivial? Perhaps…

Personal highlight – the acoustic version of “True Love Ways”. Guys, cut that on an upcoming cd – awesome!!

Oh yeah, I was gonna get back to The Human Statues ( http://www.thehumanstatues.com/ ). Check out this up and coming Canuck group – the promo video on their website alone is a howl, and the CD we bought on the way out the door was instantly enjoyable playing on our drive home – too many influences to even try narrowing down, but they have a knack for catchy songs that stick on the first listen.

Alright, enough gushing – you get the idea. If you’re reading this in the Calgary area, get your tickets pronto.

(Holy Crow, this is dangerously close to a real review!!)

(Poultry lovers, Charlie will return tomorrow morning.)

Chow for now!!

Simple & Inexpensive Entertainment Tips For Troubled Times

Part 1 – “Rubber Band, Rubber Band Man…”

Hey, who sang that old song anyway – was it The O’Jays?? Dang, now the silly thing is in my head…

Anyhow, do you find yourself in these tough economic times, trying to figure out how to keep your own personal morale up, whilst utilizing an inexpensive form of entertainment?

Here’s my hot tip for this week in May – and, it’s essentially free!!

Every morning, my morning newspaper is delivered, held together by a simple rubber band. I will squirrel those elastics aside for a few days, and then one morning while Mrs. That Dan Guy is crawling her bleary-eyed self up the stairs to get ready for work, I will “shoot” one at her. The spare rubber bands come in handy for when she charges me, to confiscate and or pretend to want to cause me some injury.

We laugh for hours afterwards. Sometimes she frisks me for more of the hidden elastics, which can be fun first thing in the morning. Other times, I yelp out “IMMUNITY!!” and she is forced to stand down by the rules of international rubber band warfare.

Give it a try, if you have access to rubber bands – your mornings will never be the same…

Chow for now!!