I'm starting to feel like the Goldilocks of the wireless world...

And don't think that the irony there escapes me - any locks I got left ain't even close to golden...

The comparison is due to my picking up a third (yes, three) Blackberry handheld wireless device this weekend.

Well, the first one died of natural causes (it's a tough world out there, baby). The replacement must have been a refurbished unit, because some of the keys didn't work, and the battery had about half the life span of the last one.

So, like my pal Goldilocks, the first Blackberry was too dead; the second one was too crappy; this one seems to be juuuuust right.

The only problem is - to keep it safe, I can't use it as a handheld. I have to leave it somewhere safe, wrapped in protective casing, and only refer to it occasionally. Otherwise some other "natural cause" may come into play (Earth, Wind & /Or Fire).

So, I have managed to somehow thwart my own convenience, which is no big surprise, seeing as how I managed to wallop my forehead on the pointy corner of a dresser the other day, while vacuuming. Mrs. That Dan Guy was forced into playing nurse, which resulted in the vacuuming being postponed for the day (that white uniform drives me crazy!).

I am one level above klutz, near as I can figure. I really should keep myself wrapped in protective casing...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Uuuuuuh......

Ole Charlie ain't feelin' so good today, boys an' girls...I got some kinda cluckin' summer cold.

The doc thinks it may be the flu! How about that - bird flu!!! Pluck my legs and call me Smoothie!! Bird flu!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

Well, at least it ain't Mad Cow, although I am pretty peed-off about being so cluckin' sick. If I didn't feel so lousy, I'd be madder than a wet hen!! Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!

Uhhhhhhhhh........

Scuse me. I think I gotta puke....

Hey, puking ain't the worst of it. It's the OTHER end that you should be worried about. Holy cluckin' Hanna!! I feel like a pez dispenser on steroids!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

So, I need ta get some rest, and drink lots of liquids. Water might not be bad, but I prefer whole grains, so gin it is. A hangover can't make me feel any worse than I do right now.

And it can't make me spew up my cabbage any faster either...

Ooooooohhh.....

My cluckin' tummy hurts.....

Is it cold in here, or has Death wrapped me in his icy grip?? And if it's so cluckin' cold, why am I sweatin' like Lindsay Lohan at a roadside sobriety check??

OK, now I'm just tired. Better go put my pinfeathers down on some down. Hopefully next week I'll be feeling more up to visitin' with you skin-covered mammals...

Cluck for now!!

I have yet to come to terms with why things that are supposed to be so good for you, always have to taste like hemlock, or lawn.

Take cabbage, for example. There's yet another vegetable with all sorts of health benefits. As a matter of fact, several years ago there was even a wacky boiled cabbage diet. Yet I for one will pass on cabbage, boiled or leafy fresh. I just don't have enough "inner goat" I reckon...

What else?? Grapefruit. OK, there's one at least that has some flavour, but how many freakin' grapefruits can a person consume, if they aren't in a tropical Bellini at Happy Hour?? I can generally squirm my way through one, before my tongue starts to pucker up in self-defense, and restrict access to the balance of the fruit. Maybe that's part of the weight loss, not being to eat more than a half a grapefruit.

And yet, I can always fit more Fruit Loops in...go figure...

What the world needs is a diet pretzel, or potato chips made from baked cabbage leaves that don't retain any of that product's downsides, like taste, texture, or overall blah-ness.

Blah-ness is really what prevents me from embracing diets. My life needs pizazz, and a boiled cabbage leaf is seriously lacking in pizazz...

Chow for now!!

NOTE: I don't know what the problem with Blogger is, but I post these things first thing in the morning. Sometimes they show up, sometimes they don't. I'll keep trying until it does show up...

******************************************************************************

Why can't we share wildlife, with other parts of the world??

Wouldn't it be just a little bit cool to see a kangaroo hop by as you're preparing to go to work in the morning?? I mean, as opposed to a ground hog, or a crow??

Why should Africa have all the elephants and hippos, when we could see some in our own parks and valleys??

Sure, that's what zoos are for, you say. But a person walking down the street in a Louisiana bayou doesn't have to view an alligator from the protection of a pen or enclosure - they jump right out of the water, and chomp onto your arm, without the frustration of a barbed wire fence in the way.

I for one would love to send the neighborhood cats and dogs to say, Alaska, if it meant we could have a pod of friendly penguins toodlin' down the sidewalk here instead. I'm sure I'd find cleaning penguin poop off of my lawn less disgusting than dog crap, that's for sure!!

Speaking of cats, wouldn't it keep people on their toes to know a lion or tiger was given free rein of the neighborhood? You see a lot less chubby people in tank tops on their porch, if a hungry puma was lurking in the shadows!

Just sayin'...

You could even train some of them to do odd jobs. Giraffes could hang Xmas lights. Dolphins could deliver mail to waterfront homes.

I'm not sure how useful aardvarks would be, but give me some time...

At any rate, they say variety is the spice of life. How about a bit of variety in the neighborhood pet population??? "Remember folks, have your python spayed or neutered"!!!

Chow for now!!

While travelling through the forest one afternoon, young Red Riding Hood became disoriented.

Happily, she had a handheld GPS system to help regain her bearings, and was soon back on track to Grandmother's house.

Until a big wolf appeared, and impeded her on the route to Granny's.

"Say, wut up homey?" the wolf asked Little Red Riding Hood. He appeared to be a friendly beast.

"Stay back, Jackass, or I'll zap you with my illegal stun gun, purchased off of e-Bay", replied Red Riding Hood. And she appeared to be very serious...

The wolf grinned with all the charm of a used car salesman on a sunny Saturday afternoon. " I be chillin', Little Sister. It weren't me that just enjoyed three little pigs with a side of poached eggs!!"

But he did have traces of straw on his fur...

"I'm serious, you hairy reprobate", Red Riding Hood barked out. "And I got a canful of Mace here that sez you need to step your mangy butt back!!"

The wolf decided to humour Little Red Riding Hood, just in case she really was armed to the teeth. He was, after all, still recovering after a whole bunch of huffin', and puffin', and blowin' houses down. Damn asthma...

"Carry on, my dear maiden", the wolf smiled, with all the charm of a dentist who has just discovered decay in 9 molars. "Granny's house is just yonder, over the knoll".

Little Red Riding Hood glared at the wolf, but didn't put down her stun gun, as she walked around him, and right into the hands of a crazed woodsman, who in addition to being Dutch, mistook her for a mature pine tree.

Our story ends as his two-sided axe splices the air...

I really wish I had put more thought into having a moral of some sort to wrap this up...

Oh well...

Chow for now!!

I read in the newspaper the other day that comedian Drew Carey was injured, while rehearsing for his duties as the new host of The Price Is Right. This can't bode well for his future on the show...

Did a wayward Plinko chip break free, and impale itself in his forehead? Did he get his fingers caught in the Squeeze Play game? Did that yodelling mountain climber on Cliff Hanger just get sick and tired of being sent to his doom everyday, and attack Drew with his climbing gear??

I seem to recall reading that he (Mr. Carey) caught his arm in some spinning game, which is just about as embarrassing as any of my earlier guesses. I mean, come on - if an 80-year-old man can do this gig every day for 50 years without having ambulances respond to the scene, why can't Mr. Carey get through early rehearsals??

I can understand if he would have sprained his arm rolling those huge red dices on The Dice Game (hey, if "meeses" is a word for cartoon cats, then so is dices for me). But what spinning game did him in?? It can't be "The Big Wheel", because the host doesn't spin that. So what's left??

I must put my resources to work, and find out just exactly what the nature of this injury happens to be.

It's my little part, for the benefit of America...

I only wish it was one that made any sort of sense...

Chow for now!!

Holy Toledo!!

Seeing as how nobody updated me on who it was that used to say "Great Horny Toads", I'm going to hold off on using that phrase for now. I've got no logical explanation for that, but I also seem to have no logical explanation for most anything I post in here...

At any rate...Holy Toledo!! When we tried to see The Bourne Awesome Adventure, or The Bourne Goblet Of Fire, or The Bourne Free flick this weekend, and became stymied due to it being sold out, imagine my surprise to discover this morning that the new Jackie Chan movie was tops at the box office this weekend!!

Go ahead, imagine it. I'll wait...



Anyhoo, Rush Hour 12, or 13, whatever that franchise has kicked out currently, beat The Bourne On The Fourth Of July series. Un-freakin-bee-lee-vable... I felt like I had been walloped by a frozen mackerel. Like I had been sucker-punched by one of those boxing kangaroos.

I was quite taken by surprise...

I sure hope poor Harry Potting hasn't suffered through all these box-office upsets. I don't want to have to avoid a boy-wizard panhandling on the street...

Hey, anybody out there watching Entourage?? A funny little show spoofing Hollywood, on HBO.

Where did THAT come from?? I was talking about movies, for Pete's sake...

Oh well, the thoughts flow freely, wattaya gonna do?? All I know is that I still haven't seen The Bourne Ward, and probably may not even get to it this weekend...

Chow for now!!

"Great Horny Toads"!!

I think that's an exclamation of amazement used by famous Daily Planet editor Perry White.

No, wait just a minute... I think he used to say "Great Caesar's Ghost"!

So, who was it that used to say "Great Horny Toads"?? Was it Little Orphan Annie??

No, I think she used to say something close, like "Leapin' Lizards"!!

Could it have been Homer Simpson?? I think the phrase is much older than even ole Homer.

It'll come to me. At any rate, the reason I was starting today's posting with such an exclamation of amazement was that Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to go catch a movie last night. After tossing a coin, the flip came up on "The Bourne Identity Crisis", or "The Bourne Melodrama Of Car Chases", or "The Bourne Plague Of Locusts" - whatever the current installment in those Matt Damon movies happens to be right now.

It was sold out!!!

"Great Horny Toads"!!!

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

Howdy doody, my weekend human companions..

Look at that cute picture I got here. Makes ya go "awwww", don't it??

Well, if you missed my recent appearance on The Maury Povich Show - THE KID AIN'T MINE!!

That's cluckin' right, you bunch of judgmental meat-eaters. The DNA came in, and I had nothin' to do with this little kitty. Although, Mom can still call me anytime, if ya catch my drift...

So, just because Eddie Murphy can bring in a little Fresh Spice to the world, doesn't mean ole Charlie's gotta wind up payin' child support all over the barnyard. My honor remains intact.

I was a bit concerned, if I hadda be honest. A while back (what IS the gestation period for baby tigers??) I had gotten into some malt liquor, and woke with a face full of striped fur, so I was an easy target for this whole disaster. I don't even remember catchin' the bar at the local zoo!! I started off in Moose Jaw, for Pete's sake...

At any rate, what's done is done. Sally and me are remaining friends, at least in my book, and for the immediate future, I'm stickin' to root beer!

Cluck for now!!

My old computer monitor must have been returned/delivered by courier sometime yesterday afternoon, but I was out and about. Mrs. That Dan Guy had a doctor's appointment, for which I was her chauffeur.

What barks my tree is that the delivery company, which we'll call Fat-X, doesn't get a response when they ring the doorbell, so they just leave a valuable package outside, for anyone mowing their lawn, or out walking their baby to purloin.

That's steal, heist, pinch, snag, lift...whatever you want to call it, the delivery company (Fat-X) put my property at risk, so that they could deliver Tupperware to some other home, or make it to the opening of the first round of Bingo somewhere.

Is this proper, I have to ask? Shouldn't the driver be obligated to sit in his or her truck, and WAIT until I return, even if it did happen to be almost 8:30 PM last night??

Shouldn't the driver be required to at least get a signature, or does he (or she) just take a digital picture of themselves holding the package in front of my house, which would legally alleviate themselves of any loss if indeed a renegade mom out walking with a newborn did IN FACT snap up my package,and sprint into the nearby hills??

I'm mad as a wet noodle, and I ain't gonna take it anymore!!

As soon as I finish my coffee, and have my morning nap, I'm going to raise hell somewhere.

Chow for now!!

Well, wax my knees and call me shiny...

You know, you'd think that with a start like that, I might actually have a follow-up, but I still have nothin'...

This could technically be "Brain-Barren, Day Three", if I wasn't trying so hard to cleverly conceal the fact that I once again have sat down, with loads of nothingness to write about.

And I do mean nothing. Zip. Zippo. Zipperoo.

Which is sort of silly. There's lots going on in the world. Politics, sports, TV, movies. Even just Barry Bonds getting the new record (Was it for hitting? Catching?? Touchdown receptions??) should give me some fodder, yet...nothing.

I think my light has dimmed since Paris Hilton sort-of straightened out her act, and "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators" wrapped up. I just haven't been the same. I'm going through Cher impersonator withdrawals. I think it's even starting to affect my golf swing.

So this is my solemn promise to you all out there. No matter how bummed out I am about these things, tomorrow I SWEAR I will have something to say about something.

Even if it is just a recap of "According To Jim".

Chow for now!!

Brain-Barren, Day Two...

* Tried to think of ideas for a new entry yesterday, but those efforts were thwarted by a last-minute deadline for one of my regular columns, which slipped by me.

Actually, it didn't slip by so much as parade by, with rockets going off, and a band of marching drummers trying desperately to get my attention. Curse my procrastinating gene!!!!

* After completing a column and firing it off, I returned to my task, of trying to think of something new for this empty space. Marvelled at how much it resembled the emptiness in my head...

* Which pretty much leaves me where I was a couple of days ago - blank space here on this blog, blank real estate in the Thinking Department of my brain.

* In one desperate moment, I consider relaunching my efforts to "help bring sexy back". May be an option after I've showered, but right now that campaign just feels wrong. I think I have an odour of Gouda about me...

* Wonder if I've ever considered sharing financial tips in this space before. Maybe I could become a guru...

* Starting to question the logic of capitalizing the first letter of each new "starred" sentence. Yet I've never once questioned a rubber chicken doing the weekend blog. Go figure...

* Heh Heh! The last few capitalized letters spell "Wiws".

* Whoops! Forgot to capitalize that last sentence. And, it's time for my medication. Better Run.


Chow for now!!

This is going to be one of those mornings...

One of those mornings where I sit before this computer monitor and keyboard - with nothing between my ears... Nada!

Oh, I can shake my head around alright, but the marbles are all rolling around loosely, failing to cooperate, bringing out anything cohesive enough to write about. I can still pat my head and rub my tummy at the same time, but can't for the life of me come up with any sort of an idea for today's posting.

Which is sad really. I read the newspaper every day. I watch TV (although nothing all that stimulating, as we have determined over the course of numerous postings on "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonators"), so how can I sit before this computer now, and be brain -barren?? That's a good question...

I could talk about the humble chocolate chip cookie, probably the best cookie ever invented.

I could talk about how we cleaned our carpets quite successfully this weekend. Not all of them. Just one...

I could even talk about why I should go have some breakfast right now, but just thinking about that has made me really hungry.

So I better go eat. And think of something to write about tomorrow morning. So much for spontaneous brain combustion...

Chow for now!

I love long weekends...

Well, working from home, long weekends really aren't all that different for me than any other ones, I suppose. Except that Mrs. That Dan Guy is around. Which means that on the Monday, I can't watch "The Price Is Right", and "The Young & The Restless"...

Plays hell with my schedule. I can't come on down, or keep track of who Victor's marrying this week.

I also have to spend HOURS up in my office, pretending to tap away on the keyboards, rather than surf The Google, or play Minesweeper. You'd think that after 1378 games,I might have figured out how to play that stupid game by now...

The worst part, is not being able to sneak off to the horse track. It's WAY better to see them run live, than on some fuzzy internet feed. But, as long as my handicaps pay off, who cares how they cross the finish line??

Nice sunny day today, so we'll probably spend some time in the yard. I guess I should have at least mowed (mown??) the lawn this weekend, but I'm playing up a bout of tennis elbow, just in case I slip into a game of Minesweeper, and the keyboard falls silent...

Man, that weekend chicken smells!! What in the name of Thor's hammer has he been rolling in??

Groddy, man...

Chow for now!!

I've been thinking, which is generally never a good thing...

In order to procure a few extra buckaroos for some of my hobbies (including, but not limited to music collecting, concert attending, and recreational eating), I might need to explore alternate ways to make more disposable income.

Rather than work, so to speak, I turn to other options, such as, say...charging a nominal fee for viewing these postings.

As this is a public site,I would have to work on the honor system. I realize that just about anybody can view this stuff every day for free, but to assist me in keeping current with Michael Bolton's latest recording efforts, or allowing me to try this new tuna snack food product, I am proposing that a voluntary donation of say...ten bucks a viewing would work wonders. For me, anyway.

That's just the price of 6 coffees a day (One-and-a-half if you go to Starbucks), a small personal sacrifice for the untold daily benefits of lowering your blood pressure with less caffeine intake.

Plus, you'd get the added perk of reading this stuff, and opening your world to the heart-warming pleasure of knowing that I've been able to start model airplaning. Or bobsledding. Or lawn bowling.

The possibilities are endless. I mean, why support something intangible and faceless like UNICEF, when I've got a smiling picture right up there, at the start of this blog every day? And in writing about my adventures, you'd know your hard-earned dollars were being spent far more wisely, as I share my horizon-widening (or belt-widening...I did list recreational eating) experiences with the world.

At least those members of the world kind enough to send a few daily dollars, care of this blog...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Gardening Tips From Charlie

Happy summer, human beans!! I'd join you in some suntanning, but it just reminds me of heat lamps at a certain Southern Cooked Poultry joint. No way Jose!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

So, today, I'd like to share some gardenin' tips, so as to prettify yer yard, or windowsill.

I've got some experience in fertilizin' gardens, which may be a bit awkward for humans, but still can be done, in my opinion.

So, first off, yer gonna need some soil. Somewhere to plant your daisies, not push them. This soil should be muddy, and in an area where the sun shines. As supposed to where I'm gonna kick you, if I see you reaching for another McNugget!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

OK, ya got some muddy soil, and a degree of sunshine. Next, ya need seeds. Seeds for the plants ya wanna grow. I prefer tubeaks, you may prefer tulips!!

Ba-dum-bum!! Here all week folks!! Now THAT'S pluckin' funny!!!

Anyways...

So, and I know this sounds all technical and scientific, but the next step is, ya plant the seeds in the muddy soil. Push the little pluckers into the soil, and cover them up. Then water them. And for a few more days, keep watering 'em. If you so desire,take advantage of nature's call to fertilize them. As long as you aint' planting carrots, fertilize away, baby!!

Now comes the hardest part of gardenin'. For what can seem like days, ya hafta wait for somethin' to happen. Water, wait. Water, wait.

Oh yeah, I also advise ya to invest in some buckshot, for any lazy-ass robins that swoop down to chew up yer hard-worked efforts. Ship the carcasses off to that restaurant chain I mentioned earlier. It's still a bird, even if it ain't technically "chicken".

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

There's probably more advice to give, but these are the basics. I mean, come on, if ya can't handle somethin' as simple as pushing a seed into the ground,why would I waste time telling ya how to prune??

Although, I'll give ya that one for free:

Spend an hour inna tub of water!!

Cluck for now!!

I'm always suspicious when a few hours go by, and I don't get any new e-mails. Especially after writing a posting about how far behind I am on getting to the dang things...

I typically awaken to a handful of new arrivals every day, and get seriously panicked if none come in. I attribute it to either cyber-pirates, or a world-wide failure of The Google, preventing regular mail traffic.

You've probably already guessed by now, I found no new e-mails when I awoke this morning.

After a precautionary test e-mail to myself (from one of my six active e-mail accounts), it would appear that traffic is indeed still flowing, just not to me.

Which isn't to say I want to get another slab of e-mails, it just makes me curious.

OK, crazy...

I mean, how can that be?? I get e-mails day and night, night and day?? How can a night go by with NOTHING??

Just sayin'...

Chow for now!!

Lately I find myself lusting. Lusting for something so close, and yet still just a bit too far. I am lusting for a Mac.

Let me clarify. Not "Mac" the local lawn care entrepreneur, or "Mac" the guy that sweeps out the dingo cage at the zoo - "Mac", the alternative to Bill Gates' world of windows and general PC computer tomfoolery.

I started out on computers with a Mac, many, many, many, many, many, many years ago. Loooved it!! Easy to use, inexpensive to maintain once the hardware was initially purchased.

However, it didn't have all the software options of the Maxi-Soft world. So, I began back then to lust after one of those super-popular Windy-Ohs computers.

And once I initially converted, I spent many a smiling day in front of my new computer system. Sold my beloved Mac, and never looked back. Aside from crashes, viruses, worms, incessant requirements to upgrade every aspect of my computer's day-to-day operating functions - I liked Windy-Ohs.

But now, Mac is surging back into popularity. I've taped every one of those "I'm a Mac, I'm a PC commercials" (if THOSE don't qualify for Emmies, I'm selling my Zenith floor model). I wish I had one of those i-pods. Or an i-phone. I'd even settle for an i-extension cord.

Now, with my recent computer (Maxi-Soft, Windy-Ohs) woes, I wonder if I should take the opportunity to switch over to Mac, once again.

However, looking at the fine print of those User Agreements that you have to check off when you install a Maxi-Soft program, or buy any computer product that works with Windy-Ohs, I discover that in skimming past all the words, and just clicking "I Agree", I have entered into several 200-year contracts.

We'll just have to see where the Wind blows...

Chow for now!!

Good grief...

I am so far behind on my e-mails, I'm responding to items received weeks and months ago. It's gotten entirely out of hand...

For example, I see that I have missed out on a 2-for-1 sweater sale at a large chain of popular department stores, which expired just prior to Jan 15, 2007. I could have really used 2 sweaters for the price of 1. My BOGO was a no-go...

Part of this is due to having FOUR active e-mail addresses. Actually, six if you include the two different Yahoo accounts I've had to open, for discussion groups. Discussion groups which provide more than their own share of contributions to my ample amounts of delayed e-mail responses.

So, clearly I need to set up a program for getting back to people promptly. Before they graduate college, in some cases...

Maybe I should spend less time clinging to rebroadcasts of "The Price is Right". I'll just have to embrace the new episodes, once Drew Carey takes over the helm.

I could quit training for my shot at "Dancing With The Stars" perhaps. For one thing, I'm pretty sure you have to BE a star, to even be considered. However, it sure has improved my fox trotting...

Oh well, something will come to mind. I do need to get on top of this task, and start responding far more promptly than I currently do.

Hey, look at that subject line! A friend has sent me a greeting card!!

THERE'S one to check out first!!

Chow for now!!

And, we're back.

After a day filled with much drama and heartbreak, I am now once again able to deliver this drivel to you on a timely basis.

My thanks especially to those of you that sympathized with my plight, and sent along your well wishes. A few sizeable donations, or a fresh strawberry tart might have been appreciated even more, but hey, I'll take all the well wishes I can get.

Our solution was slightly less than the brand-new, top-of-the-line HD, wide-screen long-battery-life laptop I felt had been alluded to by a posting from Mrs. That Dan Guy.

OK, a lot less. We picked up a new monitor, which while appreciated, admittedly is still unable to provide adequate computer speed for my daily (break-time only!) attempts to attain Level 6 of
Nascar NHL Mario Brothers Circus Of Running Scissors.

Alas...

However, most importantly, for my tens of readers out there, I am now able to view what I type.

I apologize that you are able to view it, as well...

Chow for now!!

What a way to start your day...

My computer monitor has been driving me crazy the last little while, shutting itself off ten or twenty times, while I'm trying to work on something. I've been trying to suck it up and ignore it, but this morning, it flickered off, and has been unresponsive since. Quite dead actually. As useful as a rotten fencepost in a weekend bonfire for viewing my data.

I'm in better spirits now, but if you're at all aware of how I react to inanimate objects that fail me, you may surmise how happy I was a couple of hours ago. I would have made Andrew Dice Clay blush.

As I had to take Mrs. That Dan Guy to a doctor's appointment first thing this morning, I thought I would simply blog from my Blackberry, but after scratching out a very modest posting, it failed to actually post. Or save the draft. No connection to Blogger.

Again, much to my delight, but in a doctor's waiting area, I was forced to internalize my glee.

So, once everything was wrapped up, and the Mrs. dropped off at work, I returned home, and got onto her laptop.

Voila, today's posting. I will now spend my day determining whether I can afford to repair a 2-year old monitor, or if I must delay my acne treatment, to purchase a new one. In this heat, the skin just looks super-sweaty anyway.

Chow for now...

The Sunday Morning Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review - John Fogerty

(or, Why I Will Never be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

Un...

Freakin'...

Bee-lievable...

Last night we may have just seen the best live concert I have ever seen in my life. I mean, I was anticipating THIS one, but any expectations I may have brought to The Saddledome were blown out of the water. This guy was flippin' amazing!!!!

If you don't know who John Fogerty is, you're probably still nursing, so continue watching The Wiggles.

For the rest of you, the former leader of Creedence Clearwater Revival has clearly made peace with his past. He only played FOUR songs from his solo career over two hours last night, the rest were spectacular takes on the many, many CCR hits. I can't even begin to list them all, it seemed like he played the entire catalogue, starting the show right out of the gate with "Travelling Band". Songs I hadn't even dared to dream I might hear last night, and many more.

Even "Keep On Chooglin'". I never knew what "chooglin" was back when I was younger, still don't know now, but love the song anyway. I used to have it on an 8-track tape, CCR Live In Europe, and that version was so long it switched tracks midway through the song.

What struck me the most last night was that this guy has the most recognizable voice, and rock 'n' roll licks of all time. Every song has guitar licks that are known to listeners in the first few notes. Probably even more than The Beatles.

And Fogerty is the architect of all that. The rest of his old CCR bandmates still tour, as Creedence Clearwater Revisited. As a matter of fact, they were in town to close The Calgary Stampede. We passed on that. It would be like going to see Wings, without Paul McCartney. Or Overdrive, without Bachman & Turner.

Van, without Halen. You get what I mean...

Opening the show was Blue Rodeo's Jim Cuddy, who was a treat as well. Terrific solo stuff, as well as a couple of outstanding Rodeo tunes, "Five Days In May", and "Trust Yourself".

But it'll be Fogerty that we'll never forget.

Un...

Freakin'...

Bee - lievable...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Hold onto your pinfeathers, my big skin-colored friends - Charlie's gone and got hisself pierced!!

That's right, pierced. You watch one too many episodes of Miami Ink, and look wut happens!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

I hafta admit, it didn't hurt nearly as bad as I thought it might, but I may have also underestimated the nurturing qualities of a rain barrel full of tequila.

I had hoped to maybe get a hoop or stud for my ear, but the "artist" had some difficulty finding any ears.

And for the record, I don't wanna suggest that every male doctor got his medical license just to see chicks nekked, but they could have saved a FORTUNE in tuition and just went to tattoo school. While I was getting my noggin pierced, you wouldn't BEE-LIEVE the places some hens were getting inked up. My hat is off to the decline of modern morality.

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!

So, I gotta watch this thing for a few days. Nominal amounts of puss can be normal, a prolonged shower of puss will require consultation with a real doctor.

And, I should be careful to watch where I'm walkin' . Shoppin' in a fabric store could possibly end up with me snaggin' a roll of fabric, and runnin' around like a chicken with his head cut off. Heh heh heh...

I hafta admit, I do feel tougher, more roosterly. Pluckin' ay, man...

Cluck for now!!

I dread Fridays.

Fridays lead to Saturdays, and Saturdays inevitably draw out Charlie, the chain-smoking chicken. Charlie, the chicken you wouldn't bring home to meet your mother. Charlie, the chicken who would just hit on your mother anyway...

So far, there haven't been any lawsuits, or restraining orders, but still...I worry.

**********************************************************************************

I Loves Me A Good Train Wreck, Part Two

So, we watched the finale of The Next Best Thing Thing, Celebrity Impersonators last night. I didn't think it was possible, given the incredibly low standards of the show, but they managed to make it an even bigger train wreck.

Does anybody else out there watch this stuff?

They opened the finale with a "We Are The World" style number, incredibly tacky. No, that's not quite right. It made tacky look classy. Two faux Elvii warbling along about their dreams of being impersonators. Sniff...I guess it was a bit inspiring...

If you missed it, the final 10 competitors were:

-two different Elvis impersonators.
-a Little Richard that should have won the whole thing, but didn't even make the final five.
-a not too bad, but already professionally employed Frank Sinatra.
-a Barbra Streisand with a voice that intermittently goes through puberty, or a meat grinder.
-a Lucille Ball that at one point hiked up her skirt, revealing the sad limitations of control top pantyhose.
-a spot-on ringer for outgoing (not soon enough) US President Dubya B.
-the wild card contestant - a hilarious Paris Hilton clone with a penchant for performing bad magic acts.
-Robin Williams II, who for his last performance didn't do stand-up, but a dance routine with Lucille Ball. Those wacky producers!
-finally, a Tina Turner wannabe, who resembled to me at least more what I expect Beyonce Knowles to look like when she's 70.

It was indeed a derailment of monumental proportions, one that had the voice of Mrs. That Dan Guy constantly groaning in the background.

The "Heartbreaker" Elvis won. And how could he not? He had more evidence of plastic surgery than Cher's backside, and a smile that just wouldn't quit. Because they stretched the skin back too far behind his ears...

Chow for now!!

Please!! Don't ANYBODY tell me who won!!!

I've got it on tape, and hope to watch it tonight. Until then, I must carefully protect myself from accidentally discovering who won the title of "The Next Best Thing - Celebrity Impersonator".

We've watched the entire season - all 4 shows I think, not including the "best of" retrospective.

We enjoyed the celebrity hosts - an allegedly A-list impressionist we've never heard of before; a lady that's supposed to be an actress, and the third guy...I think he's a writer. At any rate, these three people have held the fate of future superstar Cher impersonators in their hands. Until last night, when a winner was crowned.

We, um...missed it. We went shopping. But I did commit to recording it. That way we can even choose to extend the surprise by pausing the program. We can relive the joy and exhilaration of the winner (once announced), with the rewind feature.

We can even prolong the agony of not knowing, but I'm weak, and I can assure you - we will watch it tonight.

How will this change our lives, you might well ask?? I suppose that for one thing, we may have a chance some day to see the winner in person, at a stadium. Or Wal-Mart parking lot.

I just hope that whoever wins is a positive role model for kids, not another booze can like Lohan or Hilton. I can't imagine anything sadder than an inebriated Celine Dion impersonator, clubbing noisy fans over the head with a microphone stand...

Chow for now!!

Are shower curtains supposed to be green??

I think mine started out as clear, back when we bought it. It strikes me as being rather furry now, as well...

Hey, we got some rain last night! Hi-De-Ho, sweet relief from the heat wave!! We were even able to sleep upstairs in the bedroom once again. It was terrific.

I really don't mind the heat, if it just wasn't so unrelentingly HOT in the house all the time. If we ever retire to Hawaii, I'd feel the same way.

Man, if global warming keeps up, imagine how hot Hawaii is going to get. It could eventually make Hades look like an ice cream parlour.

Am I the only person that worries about stuff like this??

Chow for now!!

This blog of mine is still working bass-ackwards. I need to do Word Verification after a posting, even after I've signed in as myself. You don't, if you leave a comment.

And the auto-save function appears to be disabled as well, so I have to do the stupid thing several times before my blog posts.

I am indeed technologically cursed...

Well, I could gripe about the heat wave again this morning, but I should probably find something else to carp on about.

I am getting to be in need of a haircut. I can always tell, seeing as how the top is considerably thinner than the sides. I end up looking like the love child of Neil Diamond, and Bozo The Clown. Sweet Caroline!!!

I suppose I could go on about the e-mails I get incessantly lately, due to different membership "reward" programs. Radio stations, clothing stores, shoe stores, accordian outlets - the dang things just keep coming into my in-box. What exactly is the "reward"???? A bony claw that seizes up after opening one too many of these things (I really need to start using more than two fingers when I type)??

Just sayin'....

Chow for now!!

Back sleeping on the sofas again last night. It was 28 freakin' degrees on the main floor at 10:45 last night. We could have roasted chickens upstairs in the bedrooms (Charlie???)...

The heat wave is expected to last all this week, with nominal drops in temperature. Lying on the sofa at night, trying desperately to sleep, we can hear our lawn pleading for just a day or two of rain.

That's right, our lawn is as whiney as we are...

Hey!

Oh brother. Forgot what I wanted to mention. What's up with that??

What was I just talking about??

Oh yeah, hot hot heat. Let me just set the record straight - I have absolutely nothing against good weather in the summertime. Mark my words, set your clocks - I will be griping about the cold weather when it hits here, this winter.

For that matter, I may gripe about the milder weather in the fall. I may get up on a soapbox over the colour of leaves - I just can't say for certain what will set me off. I'm like the Ed Asner of bloggers. Watch out - I'm Simon Cowell critiquing weather patterns!!

(As usual, delusions of grandeur...)

Better run. I need to drop some fresh ice cubes down my pants...

Chow for now!!

Return of the heat wave...

Well, after a couple of recent cooler nights that allowed us to sleep in our bed again, the heat wave has returned here. Which wouldn't be such a bad thing, if it weren't so danged HOT!!!!!!!

I know, I know - it's too cold - it's too hot - the alligator just chewed my arm off - I'm never happy, am I??

I guess I'm just mourning the central air conditioner we had in our last home, which kept things like Goldilocks used to like them - just right! I could shave in the morning, without the whiskers floating off my face like the logs on that Disney Mountain ride. I could do my morning Jumping Jacks without spraying fluids like a dog after a run into a lake.

The other odd thing that results from this endless heat wave is that I have become a back yard putterer, for the first time in my life. The lawn, which I recall being of a greenish hue earlier in the year, now resembles thatch. Departed thatch.

Deceased thatch.

My nights are now filled with watering the yard, in a hopeful attempt to nurse it back to life. At least the ants are getting regular showers...

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Well hello, my fine feather-less friends. Welcome ta the 500th blog entry for Such Is Life.

I'm your host, and Guest Dignitary. Holy Pluckin' Toledo,the weight on my shoulders today!!

Come on in, pour yerself a glassa wine, and help me share some terrific memories. If you can think of any, let me know ASAP, cause I sure ain't got any...

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

I'm not even sure why The Dillsbury Poughboy asked me to do this today, except it was my regilar day to scribble. As you can see by my attire (fancy cluckin' word, eh??), I was otherwise occupied for the morning, at an all-night "Welcome Back Paris" party, at the Hefner Mansion. I was THIS close to french-beakin' Carmen Electra!!!

Oh well, 500 blog entries. Pretty big deal...

So, here I am.

OK, so what were some highlights of the past 500 blatherings? Well, clearly anything I was in, for sure. To be honest, Poughboy would have been kicked outta here loooong ago, if it weren't for my star power. I mean seriously, I got legs that go on forever!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

What else?

Well, there was the great Banjo Quest 2006, which resulted in an actual banjo. Now if Banjo Boy could only get the cluckin' thing TUNED, he might be able to busk for a few bucks at a local park. So far, it's a paper weight for the carpet...

Are there any other highlights?? I mean, come on - aside from endless concert reviews, and drivel about his day-to-day life, what does this blog really accomplish?

I say today we start a new trend. I say we establish the Charlie Chicken Fund For Fiestas & Siestas, an organization dedicated to helping those fowls less fortunate than Donald Trump.

You can send your donations care of this blog, and rest assured, you will give underprivileged chicken(s) in Alberta the chance to feel the caress of a friendly palm, or some other thing I need ta think about a bit more...

For now, thanks for readin' if ya have been. If not, you don't seem to be missin' anything...

Cluck for now!!

A

B

C

Well, I suppose I could just keep going with that, and eventually I'd have the whole alphabet laid out on the page.

But probably not much of a column, even for these daily blog ramblings...

So, onward and upward!!

D

E

F

HEY!! I said NO more of that! It's time to start writing a real blog...

G

H

J

Oh, for the love of Pete...Not only are we still forging ahead with the alphabet, I can't even get THAT right!! What happened to I???

I


I


I

OK, OK, sorry I asked....

Hey, did you ever notice before that "I" rhymes with "aye"?? RRRRRR, matey!!!

K

L

M

Oh boy. This is like a train outta control. Like free socks at The Bay.

Why did I even mention The Bay? That doesn't make even the slightest bit of sense...

N

O

P

Interesting. I never made that connection before, but the alphabet actually spells out "NO", like some universal negativity demi-god, keeping us down as a society....the alphabet is the anti-Tony Robbins!!!

It almost spells "nope" as well...

Q

R

S

Sssssufferin' succotash! Will this drivel never end????????????????

T

U

V

You know, as silly as this is, if I really DO forget a letter, I'm gonna look like a REAL idiot...

W

X

Y

Z

Zzzzzz...probably what happened to any readers I may have had this morning...

Chow for now!!

According to (Jim) my sign-on data today, this is my 498th posting. Almost 500 online columns, in almost 500 days. There appears to be a bit of a pattern developing...

This was my second stab at modern technology, having already put up a website for my writing earlier. I had always planned to do the blog daily, but I've surprised even myself at the consistency (if only there was quality) of these ramblings. I've even posted one from my wireless handheld,so as not to miss a daily installment.

Who knew I had commitment within me?? Who knew I shouldn't maybe be committed??

Some postings have gone on to be full-fledged newspaper columns. Some others may eventually be revisited as well, who knows??

I've been pushed aside on weekends by an anorexic chain-smoking rubber chicken, and given some of the lamest concert reviews in written history.

Sorry, just a flush of nostalgia...sniff...sniff...

*********************************************************************************

Even with some rainfall, it is still flippin' hot in here. Should hit the high 20's again today, although at the moment, Mother Nature's water tank has sprung an aggressive leak. Refreshing as the rain is, it won't last long enough to cool things down.

To make things even worse, looking out in our backyard this morning, I see that someone left a cake out.

In the rain!!

I don't think that I can take it....

Chow for now!!

We've been primarily sleeping in our family room for over a week now, thanks to this heat wave. We forgot a basic rule of physics when we bought this place (with all the bedrooms and my office on the upper floor) - without central air, humans sweat like jogging yaks...

It is entirely unpleasant to sleep (or try to sleep, honestly) beside a sweaty yak.

So, we've tried to compromise by bunking down on our two sofas in the family room - one an actual sofa; the other a loveseat.

Being a shade on the larger side myself, I was awarded the sofa. Which is OK, but still about 4 inches too short when it comes to stretching my frame out comfortably. I end up having to either crook my legs in, or splay one up onto the back of the sofa, while the other one dangles dangerously off the end of the cushiony part of the couch. After some time, I find a comfortable-enough position and drift off to purring like a newborn kitten.

Mrs. That Dan Guy has to use the loveseat. Even though she's CONSIDERABLY shorter than I am, there's still only about 18 inches of flat space between the two arm rests, so she REALLY has to be an acrobat to find a restful position. Thanks God it's dark in there when we shut the lights off, or I'd be hard-pressed to fall asleep, watching her scrunch into a cannonball-style pose, most suitable for the tiny sofa space.

Next year - central air!!

(NOTE: Every effort has been taken to protect the identity of the sweaty yak...)

Chow for now!!

I had my Calgary TV debut yesterday, on CTV - a short interview on the post-news health segment. I played the role of "Diabetes Patient", along with a doctor that was there to actually explain the technical aspects of the disease. It may not have been "TV's most riveting moment so far this year", but watching it yesterday after the fact, I was amazed at how much I looked like a walrus in a dress shirt...

This appearance was an offshoot of my volunteer work for The Canadian Diabetes Association. They needed someone to be the local media contact for a groundbreaking new national survey on diabetes. I won't bore you with all the details and results, except to say diabetes is bad, it is approaching epidemic proportions, and Fruit Loops are like a total contradiction to dietary needs, as related to The Canada Food Guide.

So, to prepare for my Calgary TV debut yesterday, on CTV, I spent the weekend studying the results of this new national survey, and surfed The Google for pertinent and related diabetes articles. I discovered for example, among other things, that diabetes is not at all related to dyed beets. Seriously!!

Come yesterday morning, I mapped out my arrival to the studio, and left plenty early, so as not to get stuck in surprise summer construction, routing traffic to Moose Jaw as a temporary detour.

I was a little bewildered when I ended up back at my original starting point, 20 minutes later. Seems that if you have a map with "North" at the top, it may not match the actual landscape, which could be pointing, oh, let's say...SOUTH!!!!

Once I learned how to read upside down, I arrived at the studio in no time.

Reception directed me to my very first "Green Room". You always hear about guests on talk shows waiting in a "Green Room". My "Green Room" was kind of a light green, almost bordering on ecru. Not that green at all, frankly.

I nursed my disappointment over the "Barely Green Room" by watching The View, on the network's station. Until I was approached by the producer, who went over the process the doctor and I would be interviewed under (over, under??).

When we finally got herded into the studio, it was dang impressive. The two anchors were anchoring, and the weather lady was forecasting. All very official.

Our spot came along, and I could just get a glance of something very large wearing a dress shirt, on the monitor. I would later discover this to be me...

The doctor, being all fact-filled and such, got the lion's share of the TV time. I fielded two questions, not a single one on this blog, or my recent entry into Facebook. I will admit, neither of those endeavors involve diabetes to any major degree...

It was over in minutes. We were thanked for our time, and ushered back out to the parking lot.

I have yet to hear how the ratings for the episode were, but I do hope we might get picked up as a replacement series in the fall..."Diabetes Patient & The Doc"!!

Chow for now!

Hearing about John Ferguson Sr. passing away over the weekend reminded me of how long it's been since I was a serious hockey follower.

I grew up watching my Dad listen to NHL hockey on the kitchen radio, and watching it whenever possible on CBC-TV. I fell in line with the TV viewing, and this is where my memory gets a little fuzzy. I seem to recall watching Mr. Ferguson play ( but I could be mistaken), along with so many other stellar stars of that generation - Yvan Cournoyer, The Pocket Rocket - OK, mostly Canadiens, but stellar nonetheless. Toronto still had lovely jerseys, what with those blue leaves...

I watched hockey fairly regularly myself during that span of my life. Not crazy-fanatic levels, but I at least followed the game, and knew the big ticket names. Loved the bad guys of the game, enjoyed the occasional bench-clearing brawl, and certainly appreciated what seemed to be the age of finesse from the star players.

And then there was John Ferguson - the enforcer. I can remember seeing at least one bloody fight, but there must have been many more than that. By the time my guy Dryden was tending the net in Montreal, Ferguson had turned to management, most notably my lamented Winnipeg Jets.

I may have blurred timelines with all that jabber, but I was always respectful of Ferguson. I may be crotchety and out-of-touch, but they just don't seem to make 'em like those guys anymore...

Chow for now!!

The "Sunday Morning Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here I-Go-Anyway Concert Review - Reba McEntire

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer)

We missed her in Winnipeg.

We missed her in Kelowna.

By gum, we didn't miss her here in Calgary!! We finally caught Reba McEntire live last night.

It was the only Stampede concert we've attended this year at the actual Stampede, the other show being held off site. Frankly, that doesn't matter one iota...

At any rate, yesterday was a freakin' cooker, 34 degrees on the Stampede grounds. We arrived plenty early, to find parking, and mini-donuts. Found both!!

After some donuts, we realized we needed some dinner, so we hit the casino, which for Stampede triples in size, taking over the adjacent convention space in The Big Four building. It was absolutely nutty in there!

(I'm getting to Reba, relax...)

We waited half an hour for a simple hot dog, then had to scramble over to The Saddledome for the show. I hafta say, after numerous visits, the place is still a pretty neat facility to see in person...

Anyways, in we go, and get our seats, clear across the arena. I can see a stage somewhere in the distance, but it's really just a fuzzy blur.

First surprise, her warm-up act - Canadian country star Gil Grand, who we happen to really like. He puts on a killer show, virtually every song a hit single. Who knew? Including, by the way, his terrific remake of Burton Cummings' "Break It To Them Gently".

Tres enjoyable...

After a brief intermission, the house lights go down, and the place goes absolutely bananas. They're all koo-koo for Cocoa Puffs. Standing ovations that would end up lasting all night long, roaring, cheering - what a crowd.

Oh yeah, Reba...

We've both been fans since the first time we jumped Stetson-first into country music, back in the 90's. We even enjoyed her recent sitcom (hey, we weren't the only ones - six seasons!!).

She was phenomenal. Outstanding. A tidal wave of tunes. A hive of hits. More songs than we could shake a stick at.

She had a crackerjack band, an HD big-screen smack-dab in the centre of the stage, and with over 40 #1 hits, her show clocked in at just under two hours. Class act, no disappointment here.

Again though, we marvel at the younger generation of concert-goers. Much like an ant farm at sugar time, these people cannot sit still. Up and down, down and up - grab a flippin' seat, for the love of Pete!!

By the time we toodled out of the show, we were able to catch Tom Cochrane on The Coca-Cola Stage, kickin' out "Life Is A Highway", and encore "Lunatic Fringe".

We've seen him before...

That's all for today, peoples!!

Chow for now!!

Not sure why, but today's blog (Saturday) has yet to post.

Chicken Scratch

Oh boy....

Looks like ole Charlie done gone and did it again...

I honestly thought that when I ordered my hamburger at The Stampede last night, I could pick my own cow. That old piece of furry leather fell like a boat anchor when I plugged him with my six gun.

Turns out six guns ain't so legal, at a Stampede. They might wanna post some signs about that...

Once the stinky bits hit the fan, I had to scramble (no pun intended) my little tailfeathers, to avoid getting my pluckin' neck wrung!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!

Thankfully I was an expert track and fielder, back in Poultry Public Elementary School. My little chicken legs were flailin' , and being short didn't hurt all that much either. A couple of overweight security guards with big country-and-western belt buckles coUld barely reach their pant pockets, let alone a speedy litte spitfire like masself...

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!

What a pluckin' mess. I was just starting to impress the little chick running the Chicken Fingers stand. Not sure what the pluck chicken fingers are, but I woulda found out, given a few more moments opportunity...

So, this mornin's paper had this not-so-flatterin' picture of me. I'm gonna have to lay low for a few days, stick around the coop. I don't wanna share a jail cell with ole Conrad Black!!

The coop, by the way, is a cluckin' boiler oven , with temperatures over 30 degrees these last couple of days. My beak is startin' to curl...

Cluck for now!!

We attended a Stampede Concert last night - Lorrie Morgan. You can be forgiven for maybe not having her name on the tip of your tongue.

She was really successful back in the 90's, with a string of country hits. We had always been fans, and sure weren't disappointed by her show last night. I have tremendous respect for artists that toss out their biggest hit right at the beginning of the show, and then proceed to wow you with stuff you hadn't expected. She did just that.

The good news for us is that she premiered a bunch of stuff from her new album, all of which sounded pretty darn good. Mrs. That Dan Guy enjoyed a song called "Mirror Mirror" in particular, sounded like a future hit!!

***********************************************************

To cap off our evening, we returned home, and watched the second episode of "Don't Forget The Lyrics". We won't be remembering to watch the show, never mind worrying about the lyrics.

I'm a fan of Wayne Brady, but having to listen to one more contestant like the one they've had on the last couple of episodes (all the musical talent of a carp that had been run over by a fleet of gravel trucks), and I might actually start looking forward to Justin Timberlake albums.

Hey, does it worry anybody else out there that one day there may be as huge a demand for a N'Sync reunion, as there has been recently for The Police??

Seriously, these things haunt me...

Chow for now!!

Hey Sidney Crosby!! Now that you've signed your big fat contract extension, how about that twenty bucks you owe me??

Just sayin'...

**************************************************************************

So, TV Land. Over the last couple of nights, we've watched two very similar shows, on two very different networks. I can't remember one of them, but one major network is running "Singing Bee", hosted by Joey Fat One, formerly of N'Sync fame.

The premise of that show, so to speak, involves a house band playing super-familiar songs, and contestants having to fill in missing lyrics, to compete for the eventual grand prize.

If you, like myself, consider Karaoke to be the downfall of modern civilization, let me just forewarn you - Karaoke will be a sweet delight after watching just a single episode of this televised fingernails-on-a-blackboard horror show.

The contestants on the episode we watched weren't just completely incapable of carrying a tune, they were all graduates of the Ham School Of Bad OverActing, which I suppose is kept extremely busy, what with the incessant release of all these horrific "reality" game shows.

On Fox last night, we caught a completely different game show, hosted by Wayne Brady. The idea on "Don't Forget The Lyrics" is that there's a house band playing super-familiar songs, and contestants have to fill in the missing lyrics, to compete for the eventual grand prize.

Hey, wait just a cotton-pickin' minute...

At least I can stomach Wayne Brady. Joey Fat One just reminds me of an old-time magician with that mock beard of his.

Chow for now!!

Well, perhaps now I really have seen everything...

After getting coaxed recently to join the Facebook world, I thought I had seen the end of the horizon for online chitty-chat, and person-to-person contact.

And I suppose that would be correct, if we were just dealing with people...

I read in the paper yesterday that Facebook has just launched Dogbook, a similar site for dogs to enhance their online presence. And whose dog wouldn't want to be more "out there" online??

Aye freakin' caramba...

Having seen some recent commercials for the upcoming Underdog movie (Have no fear, Underdog is here!!), maybe the critters are smarter than I've given them credit for. If a movie dog can talk, can't ordinary dogs blog??

This site is described as a "virtual dog park,without the barking". How about a "loony bin for people that think dogs can type"???

I can't wait to read about Sparky in Arkansas, who likes long strolls on a sandy beach, and having worms removed. Or how about Thor, who wonders what that big white cone collar is around his head? How do you chase your tail when you can't even see it??

If Dogbook takes off, it's only a matter of time before we see Catbook, Parakeetbook, and Iguanabook. Please, for the love of all things sacred, nobody wants to visit Tarantulabook...

Chow for now!!

I'm never sure how these things happen to me, but my blog site is working backwards...

From what I understand, comments can be posted now, without having to use the word verification feature.

I however, after having logged in as myself, am forced to use that annoying security feature after every one of these postings, and I have to do it several times, due to some weird-ass problem with the loading of this posting page.

It makes no sense at all to me...

***************************************************************************

The ankle is beginning to return to the proper pinkish hue one might expect it to maintain. The two bright purple skid marks on either side (like DC Comics superhero The Flash, sort-of) are getting harder and harder to point out to anybody who will stop and listen to my tale of woe.

I can put most of the pressure of my husky frame on it, without yelping in pain. It will still be awhile before I compete in Tap Canada though.... I hope not to miss out on the provincials.

*****************************************************************************

We have yet to attend The Calgary Stampede ourselves, which is a little embarrassing, considering social butterfly Charlie has already scoped it out.

From what we've seen on TV, aside from the rodeo stuff, it's just a grander version of The Red River Ex. They'd probably put out a contract on me for saying that, but hey, if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck...

Chow for now!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I volunteered yesterday, with the HSBC Calgary Marathon, in support of Team Diabetes. It was an early day, requiring us to be onsite before 8:o0 AM!! 8:00 AM!!

So early, I had to say it twice...

Our location was the Aid Station. Our Mission - pretty much helping to hydrate runners. We were handing out prefilled cups of water and/or Gatorade ("Ading Gators Since 1982"), depending on what the runner was gasping for.

And provide encouragement, verbal ditties like "Wow, you're looking good", "Great job, keep it going", or "Hey, did you know Britney Spears hit her mother with a restraining order?"

Anything that would motivate them to keep running, essentially...

I asked if we should be encouraging the slackers dragging along at the very end of the race, and was told absolutely. In my head though, I scolded them for dragging their heels...

We were also warned not to TOUCH any of the runners. Well, come on! Groddy!! These people are all hot and sweaty - why WOULD you touch them??

We were also required to be on the lookout for any runners that may have needed medical assistance. I was drifting off by that time in the instructions, and had found myself wondering where the mini-donuts may have been located...

Once the runners hit our station, it was pandemonium. Gatorade flyin' everywhere, water getting poured over tired, sweaty heads. And for a Gatorade stand, we were givin' the stuff away! Not much of a summer job there.

It was all over (for our station) by 11:30. Just a ghost town of empty paper cups, and worn tracks in the dirt road. It really wasn't a dirt road, but I thought that the dirt road made for a better visual image...

We went home, and crashed - exhausted. Marathons are hard, man...

Chow for now!!

Advil.

Ice.

Elevate.

Tensor.

These are the keywords on my road to recovery, from one sprained ankle. Although it feels better than it did a few days ago, the broken blood vessels make it look like Rocky Balboa used my foot as a side of beef, during one of his training binges.

I went to the doctor yesterday (all my troubles seemed so far away), after both sides of my foot developed crimson skid marks. Mrs. That Dan Guy felt that I maybe had a (receding) hairline fracture, but I knew instinctively that I had simply stretched my ligaments, and this was just the natural course of the healing process. As a matter of fact, and I swear to God, the doctor said EXACTLY that when I went to see him.

He did send me for X-rays, though, just to be on the safe side.

And so, the healing begins. Advil. Ice. Elevate. And a tensor bandage to elicict sympathy, as I hobble bravely down the street...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Yeeee-Cluckin'-Haw!!!!!!

Calgary Stampede, baby! The Greatest Outdoor Show on earth, next to the Runnin' Of The Chicks in Pimple-oma....

My first Stampede, and I am soakin' it in! Loaded up with a fresh pack a' Marlboros, and my chaps (cluckin' things keep slidin' off my wiry "chicken" legs), I hit the fairgrounds runnin' yesterday. I was hopin' to run into that hooly waitress that licked Prince Harry on the cheek, but she musta been practicin' her poses for Bartenders of The Wild West...

Is hooly even a real word?? What the cluck??

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!

Anyways, I was suanterin' around the midway, real cool and sophisticated-like, when I noticed a game involvin' some fellow chickens. The idea is, you pick a square, and see if the chicken poops on it.

Hey, give me 2 bucks, and I'll poop in yer hand!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!

Someone said they shoot electramicisity into the chicken, to keep him movin' , but we're restless by nature. If it was true, I'd kick the pinfeathers outta whoever was joltin' the poultry!!!

I loves a carnival. I especially like the rides that make me puke up the mini-donuts and cotton candy. Them mini-donuts don't look all that small to me...

Better run. I wanna hit the barn, see if any of my old pals are in there.

Yee-Pluckin'-Haw!!

Cluck for now!!

Managed to do a doozy to myself yesterday. Twisted my ankle but good. Sort-of fell off a few stairs (OK, the new stairs in our back yard), and came down entirely unnaturally on my right foot. Which has required liberal amounts of limping, punctuated by girlish whimpering.

How did I do this? Rappeling down the side of the house, after inspecting my roof shingles?

No...

Tumbling while trying to install a heavy metal (heh heh - heavy metal...) fountain?


No...

Fell into the freshly dug pit for my new pond?


No....

I fell off the stairs, and twisted my ankle while trying to remove the sliding screen door at our back door. Something just as simple as that.

Which might explain why Mike Holmes and Debbie Travis don't return my phone calls...

Chow for now!!

Day Two, Heat Wave...

As the Calgary Stampede gears up for yet another year, the city is being pounded by a heat wave. It was almost 28 degrees here yesterday!!

Which may not seem like much to you tropical sorts in B.C., but up in our second storey, it feels like the raging hellfires of Hades, on a long weekend in the summer. It feels like a meat shop with no air conditioning.

It feels like I've got a wet dog living in my armpits...

So, how will we make it through the next few weeks, if these temperatures continue, and exceed 30 degrees, as predicted??

Just a few thoughts:

* I will remove the stuffing from my sofa, and replace it with ice.

* I will find a way to convert my long underwear into a cryonic suit of some sort - not enough to preserve me for all time, but just enough to keep my Elmos comfortable...

* I will research the cooling benefits of slathering myself in catsup.

* I will ponder on whether Icy Hot stays icy, or hot longer.

* I will research the cooling benefits of keeping cold cans of cola in my pants' pockets...

* I will suspend helping "bring sexy back", until I smell less like a wet yak.

* I will think cool, cool thoughts. I will channel my inner Fonzie.

* Who am I kidding? I'm going to sweat my ass off until we can get central air conditioning

installed...

Chow for now!!!

I'm melting!!!!!!

A little bit of a late start again this morning, as I had trouble falling asleep last night.
It was soooo hot last night...

(HOW HOT WAS IT????)

"It was so hot, I saw a dog chasing a cat, and they were both walking..."

Thank you.

Anyhow, man was it hot up in our sleeping quarters last night. Even at 2:30 AM, it was still sweltering. I worry I may have picked up a touch of malaria, especially without having gotten any sleep.

So, without having to bug my doctor (again), how does a person tell whether or not they have malaria??

I guess I could go surf The Google, but then I'd have to close this site down, and then you'd miss out on all this valuable claptrap.

What to do??

Nope. Sorry. The prospect of having my knees buckle due to a tropical disease is more worrisome than not finishing thi

(Chow for now)

The Tuesday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway" Concert Review - Tony Bennett.

(or, "Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer")

(or professional photographer for that matter, judging by my framing of THAT shot...)

"Just In Time"
"The Best Is Yet to Come"
"The Way You Look Tonight"
"Steppin' Out With My Baby"
"If I Ruled the World"

Those were just a handful of hits delivered in impeccable style last night, by one Mr. Tony Bennett. Just under two hours, no warm-up act - just Tony and his spectacular 4-piece jazz band, working their way through one classy song after another, like silk and taffeta at a Cher concert.

We had been looking forward to this one for a looooong time. Panicked just a little when he got sidelined by pneumonia earlier in the year (shades of James Brown).

Not to worry. He arrived onstage on time, and in fine voice for someone 81 freakin' years old!! One of the complaints about Sinatra towards the end was how his voice had failed. Not Bennett. This guy is still cool personified. Not a bad note among the hundreds he crooned.

And power!
At one point, he put his microphone down, and belted out "Fly Me To The Moon", without any assistance from electronics, and the crowd went bloody nuts! This guy has lungs!!

But the best part of the show had to have been all the anecdotes and sidebars:

*Getting a phone call from Hank Williams, asking why he (Bennett) ruined "Cold Cold Heart (one of the first huge country crossover successes)".

*Talking about recording a song pitched directly to him, and then having Stevie Wonder do a "disco version" to his own huge success ("For Once In My Life").

But the reason Mr. Bennett is still so popular is that he stayed relevant, as evidenced in his wisecracks. Like dedicating "The Good Life" to Paris Hilton.

Of course, "I Left My Heart In San Francisco" was a huge favorite among many others too numerous to list. Considering he didn't take a break, and most songs from his era clock in at around 2-3 minutes tops, we got loads of tunes.

Not only was this guy slick, he had moves. During a song or two, he'd do little dance moves, and spin a few times!

I had a few wisecracks that came to mind, but I can't remember them this morning. Fantastic show, and we had scored third row center tickets. We were close enough to tug at his pant cuffs.

But we didn't...

Chow for now!!

Wow. Late start today, dude...

We're a little slow-goin' today, as we spent the entire day yesterday out in our back yard. Now that we have a fence, patio, and stairs to access the yard, we needed to start defining the area.

So, with a hot Canada Day sun blazing down on our carcasses, we put up a gazebo (bloody mosquitoes - I thought we had left them back in Winnipeg!), put together chairs that were more complicated than a space shuttle made out of bottle caps, and had our first BBQ in almost 2 years (due to the timing of our moves).

The first thing that comes to mind from all that, is how stupid will I look when my column on skin cancer comes out next week?? All day in the sun, and three tubes of 50 SPF sunscreen lotion in the car. Did I put a drop on?? Of course not. I was in the zone - building structures like my prairie ancestors must have once done.

What a putz...

Still, as I look out at the gazebo clearly dipping down towards one side, and sit in the chairs that are wobbling like rockers (they aren't), I feel the same sort of satisfaction as my prairie ancestors must have felt, once they had settled their Conestoga wagons, cleared fields, planted crops, built homesteads, and hunted for their meals.

And I still feel exhausted, just thinking about it today...

Chow for now!!

Happy Canada Day!!

Whether you are celebrating while shivering in some cheap tent in an overcrowded campsite, or lounging in a lawn chair in your backyard, Happy Birthday Canada!

And what better way to celebrate this momentous occasion, than by treating yourself to a copy of Paul McCartney's latest CD??

We did, and I have to say - it's fantastic!!

"Memory Almost Full", currently available in fine Starbuck's locations everywhere just may be the best Paul McCartney album made since May.

We love that catchy little single out right now (Dance Tonight), but the rest of the disc has LOADS of great tunes.

If you enjoy Sir Paul McCartney, get out there today (get off your lawnchair, you drunken reprobate!!), and BUY A COPY!!!

We did. And that just proves how patriotic we are...

Chow for now!!