Joy To The World

Hey, what does Christmas have against MALE names??

Joy, Holly, Merry....

I call SEXISM!!!

Also, I call B 12 - do we have a Bingo??

Chow for now...

Always Drilling In Alberta

Sure, there's lots of oil activity going on around here at any given time - but this afternoon's drilling is going to affect a couple of cavities in my own teeth!

If they strike oil, I will be golden this particular holiday season.

On the other hand, if I ask to hold off on paying for the service, and the Mayan apocalypse arrives on schedule Friday, I will also be ahead of the game!

Uhh...sort of......

Be careful out there people!

Chow for now...

North Pole Property For Sale!!

Here's your chance to own a part of the holiday season, year round, in my latest national column in REMONLINE.COM:

North Pole Feature Sheet

Enjoy!

Chow for now....

Hone For The Holidays

What do I need to hone this holiday season?

My Spidey senses?

My juggling skills?

My Latin translation of Jersey Shore??

I'm sure there must be something I do that needs honing - I'll have to put some thought to it...

Chow for now!

Christmas Thoughts Relevant Right Now

I'm attaching a revised piece that I wrote for my weekly newspaper humour column space back in 2009. There is less humour in this piece than I normally included in my columns. With the events of the last few days, I'm thinking it has some direct relation to what has been going on in America.

Take from it what you will...

I Know It’s Christmas When…

I’ve always equated the arrival of Christmas with hearing seasonal songs, either on the radio or while walking around in department stores in September. When I was younger, there was a popular ditty about a hula hoop, courtesy of Alvin & The Chipmunks. As I got a bit older, Elvis made me look forward to a “Blue Christmas” every year. And who out there hasn’t dreamed of a “White Christmas”, with the possible exception of Canadian tourists attending December luaus in Hawaii?

Over all the years and all the Christmases, there was one song I absolutely had to hear before I conceded that the jolly old fat man really was loading up his sleigh - “Happy Xmas (War Is Over)” – by John Lennon and the Plastic Ono Band. For decades, it has been my all-time favourite song of the holiday season, even when other artists have earnestly mangled it beyond recognition.

That would change...

I remember vividly one winter night playing games with family and friends - December 8, 1980. Whatever song had been playing on the radio that evening was suddenly interrupted – a report came in that Lennon had just been murdered outside his New York City apartment, while returning from a recording session. My favourite Christmas song would forever be far more poignant than even the original lyrics had intended. 

In the summer of 2009, I made my first-ever visit to New York. Among the many sights of that city that I stuffed into a trip far too short was an excursion I made to Central Park, to see and to walk in Strawberry Fields. At the time, it had been 29 years after Lennon’s passing, and flowers were still being placed around the mosaic stonework of “Imagine”. I thought that experience might be my singular moment to experience the impact the former Beatle had on that city. But I was surprised to find something even more compelling and unforgettable. 

The Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame Annex NYC in Soho featured a new exhibit that had just opened earlier that year. Created by Yoko Ono, “John Lennon: The New York City Years” was an expansive compendium of their life in the city - featuring photographs, clothing, hand-written song lyrics, pianos Lennon composed the final recordings of his life on, the unmistakable eye- glasses he made famous, and even the Grammy that he had won.  

Seeing so many of these iconic items was a bit overwhelming. At the end of the exhibit, leading guests back out to the Hall Of Fame, was the most emotional part of the entire experience. A bloody paper bag containing the clothes Lennon was wearing when he was murdered outside his apartment sat behind a pane of glass. Yoko Ono has made this a graphic plea for changes to gun laws, indicating in a plague that John was “the King Of The World – he had everything any person could want, but at the end of his life, he came back to me in a paper bag”. 

Christmas time is many things, to many people. Most often, we associate it with gifts, and personal wants. John Lennon only wrote one Christmas song that I’m aware of, but so many of his other song lyrics speak to the true meaning of the season:

“Imagine there’s no hunger.”

“Give peace a chance.”

  “Happy Xmas, War Is Over”

Song lyrics from assorted times of the year - pretty powerful thoughts for this season. 

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Yup - I kin reel-eight Buddy - wee're all sex objects!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Lord knows I've had ta live with being such a chick magnet ma hole life - and that cartoon up there I found on tha inner-nets just sums up how we kin be looked at, when we got what we got.

Like Brad's Pitts, I typikally hafta wear disguises in publik, what with how tha chicks swoon over me. I'm a cluckin' homewrecker on claws!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So wut's tha solooshun? How does a bird settle down his god-given animul magnetsisms?? It's tha bain a ma existince!! I didn't ask ta be tha George Clooney a poultry!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah, there's juss nothin' ah kin really imagine that might change how I is such a catch fer tha birds a tha barnyard. It is ma cross ta bear, an I'm juss big enough ta rekignize I hafta be prepared fer how chicks is gonna fall fer me.

Cross.

To bear....

Sigh.........

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now...

Hark!

Sorry, bad cough...

Chow for now....

Candy Cane Safety Tips

Although candy canes are quite delicious, they are really quite useless as actual canes. Especially if you are a normal-sized human being.

So, here are just a few tips to help you avoid embarrassment if you are planning on using one in public:

1) Tie a couple of popsicle sticks around your candy cane, to firm it up and provide more support. Leaving the plastic wrap on will ensure that you may still be able to eat it after use as a cane...

2) Try to find a really large candy cane, like the size of the ones that people place in their front lawns. Walk on your knees if you are able, to make the cane a more practical size.

3) Do NOT bite the ears off of your candy cane before...wait, no...I may be confusing candy canes with Easter bunnies there...never mind...

4 Consider purchasing candy cane extensions - while expensive they will really trick out your cane and bring it to a more acceptable length for proper usage.

Well, I'm not sure if any of that advice will work for you this holiday season, but there it is anyway.

Ho Ho Ho???

Chow for now.

Foggy Mountain

Hmm....that old iPhone 3GS is getting a bit dicey with the built-in camera...

Although, to be fair, it is pretty foggy, and barely morning - but that is my view out the back door today.

I really should know more about my Canadian geography. That's the Canadian Rockies, but each of those peaks probably has a name. Pine Mound? Rocks Pokin'?? Bosom of The Range??

I promise to look them up on The Googler later....

Off to breakfast - probably featuring some resident forest dweller?? Do they have pigs in the mountains?? Guess I'll soon find out....

Later!

Chow for now...

It's That Time Of The Year Again!

Hello Folks!

Yes, it's me again - the Christmas Feather Wreath!

Feels like it's been forever since I've had a chance to hang around the Such Is Life household, but I'm finally back up, dusted off, and glowing like a feathery ring of seasonal goodness!!

I know there's been controversy in the past, as I am both an acquired taste, and an expensive one. And I also shed like a summer dandelion when I'm moulting...

That said I do bring such a smile to the face of Mrs. That Dan Guy - she sure does love me!!

:-)

As for Mr. That Dan Guy - I could stand to do without:

* His extended blasts from the blow dryer when no one is around,

* The slide show of plucked birds he leaves on replay,

* His ad on Kijiji for feather replacement therapy for balding birds...

My job is simply to stay on this door and look majestic. That's what I'm going to do until the time comes to pack me away for another year!

Despite an occasional hostile attempt on my life.....

Ho Ho Feathery Ho!!!

Oh Christmas Tree...

Centuries ago, the first artificial Christmas tree was erected, and now all these years later we still celebrate this holiday season by putting up an artificial Christmas tree.

Our last artificial Christmas trees have had built-in lights! I forget what you call those coloured filaments that change colours as they softly alternate on and off, on and off - but they look just like what the wise men must have seen back in the day! 

In a fit of ironic rebellion, we have put real pine cones on our artificial tree, just to shake things up. It doesn't take away much from the authenticity, what with the artificial tinsel, artificial decorations, and artificial star on top.

Well, not so much a star as a plastic figurine of Justin Bieber WEARING a star - pretty appropriate all things considered...

Deck the halls!!

Chow for now... 

Mouth Guard

After a week of attempting to numb a howling tooth, I got in to see a new dentist yesterday. Turns out after a battery of X-rays and observations, the thought is I have another sinus flare-up. Second one in about as many months.

So, another round of antibiotics, and another round of visits with my Neti-Pot, an invention for which I would kiss on the lips whoever devised such a godsend device. I never thought I would look forward to filling in for my bathroom faucet, but it truly feels marvelous!!

However, I did not get off altogether scot-free. I have some cracked fillings, a cavity under a crown, and gums that "resemble reef coral"...

Another day - what they did also discover was that I have been grinding my teeth down in my sleep, probably with worry over America's looming Fiscal Cliff.

The solution was being fitted for a night guard, which isn't as much about my personal security as it is about keeping my top teeth separated from my bottom teeth. Unlike the over-the-counter mouth guards you can buy in any pharmacy, dentists don't see any lucrative insurance money there, so they had to fit me for a personalized appliance. I have to admit, once the the resin fumes receded, it felt pretty comforting. It only covers my two buck teeth, so the next time time I sleep through an alarm and rush out the door, I'll look like a beaver in that morning's office meeting.

However, if I can continue to keep these yellowed chompers a little longer, it should all be worth it.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Hey!

A hammock - cool!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Not very comfortable - mebbe I needs ta put sumthin' soft down first?

(Like, FEATHERS???)

Huh??

Who said that??

Wut tha cluck - who's tha wise guy??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

(I know where you can find a top-of-the-line feather wreath...)

Why am ah hearin' voices??

Did I bang my head against concrete agin??

Show yerself, varmint!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah needs anuther coffee...

Cluck fer now!!

NHL Hockey - Time To Move On?

Call me crazy - you'll be inclined to after I run this consideration past you!

With the NHL discussions looking more and more like an armed holdup where no one is willing to acknowledge the situation, maybe it's time the players wash their hands of the NHL altogether, and join together to start a new, Bettman-free league. A league that plays games in admittedly smaller arenas, but provides infinitely more value for fans in those smaller venues.

You could have more Canadian teams, or at least more games in Canadian communities, versus say...new franchises in hockey towns like Salt Lake City, or Deadwood. Where even the sounds of skates and pucks are drowned out by the scraping of walkers along pavement...

Sure, there would be a lot of empty arenas that billionaire owners would have to re-purpose for things like weekly Monster Truck rallies, chamber orchestra concerts, and flu shot clinics - but after a while of carrying the costs without NHL hockey money, the owners might be persuaded to rent the facilities back to the new league, on the player-owned group's terms.

The winners here I think would be the fans, especially in cities with good arenas, but off the radar of the empire building NHL. How fun would it be to see a Leafs/Canadiens game in Brandon Manitoba?? Win Win!

Sure, even the players would have to sacrifice some inflated salaries, but they're playing for the love of the game, right? And, they would never be held hostage again, as the players themselves would own the league, AND determine where the market actually is. Instead of carrying money-losing franchises in exotic locations like Biloxi, or Costa Rica.

So, give that a thought NHL hockey players - disband the league, leave the owners hanging out to dry, and start up a new league - maybe the New Hockey League, which could maybe get away with using the old logo, and save some start-up money by not having to create new logos.

Give it a thought. At least we'd all get hockey again....

Chow for now...

Where Does The Time G0??

Anyone seen my watch??

Goldarn it - where did the stupid thing get off to....

Clearly, I need to keep a better track of my time.

Ugh.....

Chow for now!!

Running Behind

Running behind pretty much anyone with sneakers on - I was NOT built for speed...

And running behind as I need to get into work early today - so fare thee well, Readers!

Chow for now...

Nag Nag Nag...

You know, even if you are an old horse, that seems like SUCH a nasty term to describe you.

Old Horse. Spent Horse. Future Glue - all of those would seem to be far more appealing than "nag".

Unless, of course, you are a nagging nag. Then maybe that's where the term is deemed appropriate.

Chow for now...


- Posted using BlogPress - too lazy to start my laptop...

I'm Dreaming Of A Wide Crispness

I'm not even sure what that means. Is it a really big, well-done turkey? Is it some sort of granola bar??

I really don't know. Could be I'm thinking of doing some tanning - that would be really wide.

Clearly, I need to start putting more thought to these morning writing exercises.

Maybe a wide, crisp thought??

Chow for now....

Turtles Turtles Rah Rah Rah

Tis the season for sugar-free Turtles - a tasty candy delight oddly unavailable throughout the rest of the year. I look forward to stocking my shelves and/or decking my halls with these chocolatey clusters of goodness.

It would be cool if they could have little spectacles and a top hat like the cartoon mascot. You could chew those off first, like the ears off of an Easter bunny!

Rah Rah Rah!!

Chow for now.... 

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Whoa......

Hey man.....

Ah think ah may have mzzzd up ma medycashuns....

AAAWK-BUK.....

How many fingers is I supposed ta have anyway??

None??

Good..........

AAAWK-BUK.....

Mebbe tha mushrooms on ma peeza were wonky??

Ma snout is stickin' waaaaay out - git back here, you!!!!

oh ma gawd - who blew up a rainbow in here???

AAAWK..... 

Izz that a chair, or a rhinoceros? Either way, the cluckin' thing needs ta juss stop WOBBLING!!!!

Oh.

No yellin', OK?? 

Nice n easy everyone...nice n easy....

BUK.....

Wuuut?? I got wings?? Coooool...................

Prepare fer take-off!! FLAP!!! FLAP MAN!!!!

Cluck me..........

I need ta lies down.

Wut??

Already am??

Oh boy....

If ya knead me, I'll juss be lying here then - lookin' at tha pretty butterflies....

Cluck. Fer now.....

AAAWK.....