Found out by accident a couple of days ago that the old supplement for which I used to write a weekly humour column for has folded. It was part of the Kelowna Daily Courier family of newspapers.

Too bad, because I used to come across old online versions of my column out there in the interworld. So, any links I’ve posted are now dead, dead, dead. 

Wonder what happened? They ran three days a week, and seemed to have a good thing going. Although, towards the end, when they axed my column, it had become an ad wrap without all the great features. 

Maybe that had something to do with it....

RIP, eVent Magazine - you were great while you lasted...

Chow for now!

I always tend to say that I’m sweating like a yak, and yet how do I know how much a yak sweats? They are covered in fur, and tend to live in extremely warm environments, so one would have to presume they sweat a lot. You’d actually think they (yaks) might have the presence of mind to emigrate, maybe to somewhere like Iceland, but I guess if you live in a hot climate, why would you go somewhere cold WILLINGLY? Unless you were Canadian?

I think I will cut those poor yaks a break. If they want to be all sweaty and flea-infested, that is their choice after all. Maybe boat travel to a colder climate is cost prohibitive? Maybe they can’t find work elsewhere? Maybe they do live in cold climates, and my knowledge of yaks leaves much to be desired??

Well, enough yakking for one day (nyuk nyuk nyuk!)...

Chow for now.

Hey – January 11 (1-11)!

Two things for sure this year – I need to get my “actual” website back up and running, and I need to do these posts earlier than noon. Like Celine says, “near, far, wherever you are”, people like to read stuff early. It is universal.

Or, like Barry Manilow croons, “Daybreak”. I have no earthly idea if that even makes sense in the context of this discussion, but having Celine and Barry appear in the same post just seemed like serendipity.

So, that is my Pledge, as opposed to Endust – I will get my main website back up by hook or by crook, and I will post these…well, whatever you care to call them earlier.

No no – thank YOU!!

Chow for now.

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #014

Calgary Zoo, 2006

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have spent many a lazy day exploring at the Calgary Zoo since moving here – especially when family is in from out of town. Everyone seems to want to visit the zoo!

Here, we are in the Hippo Enclosure, as I call it. Even though the hippos share this space with giraffes, and other hard-to-place critters…like spiders and houseflies.

What magnificent beasts! They are clearly enormous, and obviously enjoy shallow bodies of water.

Despite that popular holiday song, neither I nor Mrs. That Dan Guy would like one for Christmas. We prefer fine cuts of meat, or jewellery.

Please, ask permission if you plan on using this photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

A little dissertation on focus groups, along with a commentary on the original Winnipeg Jets (my hometown NHL hockey team):

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=10775

Hey, I think I just figured out how to make my hyper-links work!! Bonus...

Chow for now.

I think I'm getting closer to vacating my Windows world, in favour of a (albeit smaller) Mac environment. This MacBook has a really small hard drive, but there are ways to get around that.

There have been some compromises, in preparing to make this switch. For one, I will have to quit banging my head on my desk each time Windows Vista re-creates conventional computing - like reloading DURING mid-operation...

For another - I'm posting this using Google Chrome, which is considerably more reliable than Safari, although not nearly as cool. I've also picked up a proper cooling mat - the old one had no connection cable, so the only cooling it offered the laptop was when I picked it up and blew on it. Having a real cooling mat is amazing. Both my computer AND my vegetables are considerably more comfortable!

That's a Toby Keith reference, in case you're scratching your head...

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by...uhhh....oh boy...)

Aaawk.....

Don' think i shoulda swallowed that Slinky....

Aaaawk....

I think I'm gonna hurl.....

Cluck fer now.....

I had an actual topic in mind for today’s post when I got up this morning, but I became distracted, and now cannot remember it for the life of me. 

So, just like when the writers on Jeopardy go blank, I hereby present: “Potpourri”...

• The deer are back in abundance in Nose Hill Park - easily spotted as you drive along John Laurie Blvd. There were several clusters this morning, and a couple of them clearly had Grande cups with steam rising...I think I saw one smoking...
• I just realized that at the bottom of my Pages document (Mac software), there is a word count feature. 106. 107. 108....stop that!!
• I whistle when I work - but then again, I am a bird caller...
• Just thought you should know - my nose is runny. Not like a cooked egg runny, but still pretty runny...
• Whoa! Why would anyone even bother to lick a 9-Volt battery?? Whoa!! Why would anyone even bother to lick another 9-Volt battery?? Whoa!!!
• Are you wondering if the topic I had earlier, then forgot might be better than what you’ve been reading so far?? Me too...
• Is “Potpourri” French for “a pot for Ri”??
• Is “Potpourri” bad English for “pot pour Ri”??
• Is “Porr Rorr EE” the sort of thing you would mumble after too many rum eggnogs??
• Is It time to wrap this up for today??

YES!!!

Chow for now.

Human nature is such a funny thing to observe.

This morning, I was running into a building on my way home from dropping Mrs. That Dan Guy off at her new job (woot woot!!). Behind me, a couple of young ladies were also headed towards the entrance. The closest of the two was still quite a ways behind me, but I lingered long enough to hold the door for her, which elicited a warm smile, and a sincere "thanks".

At which point she raced past me, not at all interested in holding the door for the other lady, who was essentially right behind the first one (now long ahead of both of us) by that time.

Me Me Me. It is quite an interesting generation poised to take over....

Chow for now, Old Fart Grumbling....

Happy Fourth of January!

Why aren’t there any fireworks? Or hot dogs?? Or robots doing the Can Can?? Is this not a special holiday??

I must consult the oracle.....

Or a calendar. 

Hey, I went for a whack of blood tests today! Relax, nothing nefarious. New doctor, and a bunch of standard diabetic blood tests. I expect though that this will not be a Ho Ho Honky-Dory A1C period, what with the holidays and all. 

I know what you’re thinking. “But Dan, an A1C blood test test glucose levels in your system for an average of the past 120 days. There only maybe two weeks MAX of holidays at this time of year.”

Yeah, well...bugger off Poindexter - what are you, a laboratory cop? If I say it may be bad because of the holidays, it is within my right to include Halloween in that period.

My months of attrition and good behaviour lie ahead..........

Chow for now!

I would give my entire kingdom for a Kit-Kat bar. Don’t tell Kit-Kat, but the kingdom is..uhh...a little light in the value department. It may in fact be worth almost as much as a chocolate bar, but it could also fall al little short.

As kingdom’s go, we had to let the jester go early last year, and we drained the moat for drinking water in July. Our crown jewels are crumpled left-over aluminum foil from reheating KFC. My scepter has done double duty as a spider stabber, and a plunger.

As kingdom’s go, if we had to offer a dowry for our princess’s hand in marriage, it would involve taking over our subscription to Reader’s Digest, and some gum we bought in bulk as Costco. Our stables would be better described as “Broom Closet”.

Hey! Kit-Kat!! Where does thou goest?? Come thee back!!!

Nuts....

Chow for now.

Upon reflection, 2011 really was our year of harvest, even if it was modest in some cases, and late in others.

Mrs. That Dan Guy is just days away from starting an exciting new career, which allowed her to leave two full time jobs (keeping me in the lifestyle to which I had grown accustomed is rather expensive...).

I had my best year in writing since my book was released way back in 2003 - feature articles, a successful humour-writing course, a re-Tweet from a comedy legend - and much more.

And, an abundance of wealth with time spent among friends and family - which we will really be able to enjoy with MTDG's new (normal) schedule.

If this is the springboard for 2012, I think we are well on our way towards getting back on our feet.

Chow for now!!

A new year begins - on the heels of the last year which really threw us never-ending curve balls laden with crap. It ended well though, so we hope that this marks the trend for 2012!

We also wonder if we will see those 11’s everywhere like we did in 2011, especially frequent as the year faded away, and our luck turned for the better.

We shall see...

For now, I just need to prepare the first breakfast of 2012 - now that Mrs. That Dan Guy is home on a weekend to enjoy it!

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

(posted by suave weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Happy New Year, Hoomans!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Se ya next year, suckers!!

Cluck fer now...

Hmmmm.....

Posting this from my Windows Vista (blech) computer today, as I am downloading free i-Tunes content from the "12 Days Of Christmas" feature offered by The Calgary Herald (and their affiliate newspapers across Canada - check it out in your own neighbourhoods!)

A nice treat these free downloads, but today's is likely going to take the entire day, as several are HD video files, well over 1G each! With our internet provider's sneaky downgrading of streaming speeds (what? no, not us!!), it is taking longer than ever - way longer than last year - if you care to deny that this is a ploy to get us to upgrade (NOTE: big surprise for you in the new year, cable goons...).

So, I have reluctantly fired up Vista, and hope I can just make it through one simple post without having to reload the entire system.

On a positive note, I am using Google Chrome - can't say enough about how much better this browser is than Explorer - especially the latest version of it. Almost makes you want to stay with Windows.

Oh, that's right - I use it on my MAC - Sayonara, sucker! Apple me up, Scotty!!

Chow for now..

Ornament Abuse??

Chow for now....

Hey? Where did all the Xmas music go, on the radio? What's up wit dat??? Nothing left now but to wait for the return of the Shamrock Shake....

Another late post. Well, after the first week of the new year, things should get back on a more stable track. Perhaps stable isn't the best choice of words regarding these posts. Oh well - they will likely begin to appear earlier again.

Mrs That Dan Guy has officially wrapped up Job #1 - NO MORE LATE NIGHTS!! (unless of course we are out getting into trouble...) Wahoo!!

Although, now I can't watch Showcase, or the French channel, whilst awaiting her return. Not a bad trade-off I suppose.

And. we're both off today. What adventure awaits???

Chow for now....

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #013

Santa Dan

A few years ago, I played Santa for a small company’s Christmas party. They provided the costume (rental), but I had little experience with the dang thing.

As you might tell, considered I spray-painted my own mustache. If you click on the picture, you will see there is an actual mustache, and opening for my mouth.

Costume 1, Santa Dan 0

Please, ask permission if you plan on using it anywhere...

Chow for now!

I am informed that I had forgotten to blog today. This apparently is entirely true.

I was tied up in a little pre-New Year expunging (not THAT sort of expunging, Mrs. That Dan Guy!). As a umm...avid...collector, I tend to accrue. Books, magazines, albums.

Newspapers, clippings, flyers - anything that might one day prove useful and/or profitable. Today, I am expunging what (after a dozen or more years of herding around from province to province) I deem now to not be profitable. Magazines that have shuttered, newspaper articles on computer operating systems long defunct - vital information at the time, but seeing s how it is unlikely I will return to Windows '95...

Although...

It is a tiresome task, let me tell you - hundreds of issues of Book, a supplement to the Globe & Mail. I was sure that one day I would find these invaluable. Now, I find them to be hernia inducers. Begone, Book - to the recycling bin we shall go!

Well, I think this qualifies as a blog post. So there...

Chow for now!

I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS

(MERRY CHRISTMAS)

I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS
I HATE COMPUTERS

(And A Happy New Year)

Special Xmas Feature:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=4173

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

"O Chrssmas Tree, O Chrssmas Tree..."

HIC!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Say, wattaya think they put in them eggnog toddies??

HIC!!

An why is that tree spinni'??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, who let tha bats in in??

Beat it, birds - ya bother me!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Don We Now Our Grey Apparel..."

"Fa La La La La...HIC!!!!

Pardon me. I think ma throat is bakfirin'...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Rockin' Aroun' Tha Chrssmas Tree, Have Holly Up Yer Butt"...HIC!!!!

Whoa! Someone getta grip on that cluckin' tree!!

Bartebdner!! Another nog, por favor!! Chuckie needs ta keep hydrated!!

HIC!!

Pluck me....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Merry Chrssmas, one and all! I think I need ta lay down...

Cluck fer now...

Whoops!

Just remembered I hadn't blogged yet today.

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

And furthermore....

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

In conclusion,

BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG.

Thank you.

Chow for now!!

I've only got a few free minutes, so I apologize if this seems rushed. Playing catch-up today, mustard been otherwise occupied the past few days (yuk yuk yuk...).

I may even try and do another, far more informative post later today after I'm done running around, but don't bet the farm on that.

Wait, if you were interested in betting the farm, I can lay some odds for you. Cash only.

Let's talk...

Chow for now.

PS - My latest audio interview, with Philly musician Pete Donnelly is shortly going to break the record long held by a Canadian musician (Nicholas Fera). Stay tuned!

HOT OFF THE PRESS!!

My audio interview with Philly recording artist and musician Pete Donnelly.

My first-ever post (and loaded podcast) on Google Chrome - SAYONARA EXPLORER!!!

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/webpage/talkin-with-musician-pete-donnelly-part-one-

More to follow - this is a great piece, if I do say so myself...

Chow for now!!

On a moment buoyed by a gusting swell of euphoria, we decided to treat ourselves to a modest dinner out last night. At a modest little restaurant.

The sort of restaurant where well-intended servers go about their business, making judgement calls in the course of their day based on observations.

Which is likely how we came to get our first-ever senior’s discount on a meal. It is either entirely humiliating, or....SCORE!!!! We saved 10%!!

Chow for now!

Today is a good day. No. today is a great day. Today will go down in the Such Is Life household annals of history. I don’t even know what annals are, of if I’ve even spelled them correctly, but I will ensure that the Keeper Of The Annals is alerted to today’s significance.

Sorry, that’s all you get.

Bwaaa Ha Ha....

Chow for now.

Le snow eez falleen. Cherchez de shov-ell!!

Hey, with only a few days left before Christmas, what’s Santa up to right now? Check out his blog to find out:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=4173 

More fun than making a snowman out of golf balls!

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by weekend guest blogger...what the hell??? Charlie??)

Thas right, hoomans - Hail ta tha cheef!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I kinda like my mon-u-mental pose! Wut a fit with those other stiffs! All I had ta do wuz take tha oaf uv office....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Now ya reely can say I got rocks in ma head!!

Cluck fer now!

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #012

Tom Petty

Man, does veteran rocker Tom Petty ever know how to…well, rock! Mrs. That Dan Guy and I saw him perform when he came through Calgary back in 2008, and it remains a memorable concert experience.

As you can see from the photo, Petty had an expansive stage, which he fully utilized – roaming around like a jungle cat. You can almost spot each hair in his familiar beard here!!

This is a shot from our seats up in the rafters. You can also relive the experience via my blog review:

http://thatdanguy.blogspot.com/2008/08/way-later-than-i-had-hoped-tuesday.html

Please, ask permission if you plan on using the photo anywhere...

Chow for now!

Cleaning off our humidifier with vinegar. Getting the strongest craving for fish and chips...

Looks like I’ve only got another week or so to get my Christmas cards done, if I hope to get them out before Christmas. If they happen to arrive to the recipients anywhere close to the day, that’s only going to be a bonus.

You know, I’m only now putting together the correlation between six cups of morning coffee, and my unplanned jogs to one of the smaller rooms in the house. Sometimes, not so much of a jog, more a motivated sprint.

Whenever I visit the local funeral home, I’m like Bruce Willis. I see dead people...

Interesting. I have one lone palm tree in a sandy, barren area in the middle of my scalp...

Loading stones around our Xmas tree. It sounded like a good idea when I heard that song...rockin‘ around...

Oh - oh. Coffee breaking...

Chow for now!

I may need to book an appointment with my ophthalmologist...

I was driving back home this morning, after dropping Mrs. That Dan Guy off at Job #1. It was a rather uneventful trip, until I got behind a car that forced me to do a double take.

In between the driver and passenger seats, ears sticking up noticeably, was a baby deer. Now, I know, I know. I really should know the proper term for a baby deer, but I don’t. All I can say is that while you can see many things on the roads here in Calgary, a baby deer is right up there on the high end of the unusual scale, like the three wolves that stopped traffic here a few weeks ago.

Anyhow, this baby deer was just staring out the front windshield, and at one point, turned and licked the driver. I had to move over, to pull up beside this rare sight, just to see what sort of person transports a pet deer.

Once traffic opened, I did mosey up beside the driver’s side of the vehicle, and determined that this furry four-legged passenger was actually a dog, not a deer at all.

To be fair, my eyes had not enjoyed the benefit of my full dosage of morning caffeine to that point. I won’t make that mistake (both of them) again...

Chow for now.

Spooky....

For the last week or so, I’ve become more and more convinced that a ghost has been knocking a box of Kleenex off of the toilet tank. We can be in bed, eating dinner downstairs, or reciting poetry in the library, when all of a sudden a clear “thunk” could be heard. Every time, the box of Kleenex that sits behind me during moments of deep meditation, has fallen onto the seat below.

The past couple of days, it has been ever more frequent. Three or four times a day I hear the familiar “Thunk”, and have to go restore the box to a more familiar, appropriate location.

Finally, yesterday - I had my fill. I Googled “ghost knocking box of Kleenex off of toilet tank”, to see what this phenomenon might mean. Nothing apparently, aside from (I kid you not) several posts about Justin Bieber’s sexual frustrations. Google that phrase yourself if you think I made that up!

Discussing this yesterday with Mrs. That Dan Guy on her drive home from work, she smiled, then burst out with a hearty laugh-fest. Nursing my bruised ego, I asked here just what the hell was so funny?

She politely informed me that roofers are hard at work replacing the wood shakes with regular shingles, and maybe they might be the “ghosts”...

She can really piss me off sometimes, that Mrs. That Dan Guy....

Smarty-pants.....

Chow for now.

There are two schools of thought. One is that as North Americans, we have celebrated Christmas for decades, and we should be able to continue that tradition unhindered, without having to do so in deep, darkened basements, so as not to offend new arrivals to our shores, and/or non-believers.

The second is that we should be politically correct and sensitive, celebrating a generic, non-Christian “holiday” season - so as not to risk offending the aforementioned groups. Said groups of course which arrive on our shores with all their traditions intact, including questionable, often heinous practices that we are sending our troops (not at all ironically) over to THEIR shores, to try and rescue them from enduring barbaric traditions and practices.

It is both a hoot, and a holler.

All this to introduce my latest column, now online - offering new songs for the winter “season”. Heaven forbid it might be Christmas songs...

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=10667 

Enjoy!

Chow for now...

Hey, today is the 11th! Bonjour, Monsieur Numero Onze...

We’ve got snow coming down like crazy right now. Not such a bad thing, considering we are typically up to our chins in the stuff by this time of the year. It has been a slack winter thus far, by Canadian standards...

That said, I shouldn’t poke the sleeping snake, lest it awakens and I get my ass bit. I’d rather have tropical sand issues rather than snow up the wazoo, so I will cross my fingers that this trend continues a while longer.

As I said while driving home last night, the Christmas lights may look pretty around here right now, but they are just as attractive in San Francisco, Las Vegas, and Hawaii - all places we have enjoyed a warm and cozy holiday season in the past. Unlike lately, where a trip to the fireplace section at Home Depot is as exotic as we get.

Ugh....

Chow for now.

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Hey pal - got a light?

Yuk Yuk Yuk!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, thas right buddy, scritch right about there...that's it....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

"Snatch tha cigamarette from ma beak, grass-hoppa..."

Har Har Har!!!

Oh, ma achin' beak - I slay me!!

Hey, is that a vulture there??

Say pal, which way ta Albuquerque???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I got a millyun uv 'em....

Cluck fer now!

Big trip planned today! After brunch (odd hours here in the Such Is Life household - I know...), I will be going...drum roll please...DOWNSTAIRS!

Yes, that’s right, today I plan on traveling down to our basement. To be honest, I spend most days down there, but for some reason, I felt like I should make it an adventure today. Not like a “Raiders Of The Lost Harp” adventure, but as best an adventure as we can muster up these days.

Perhaps it will be “Crumbs of My Bran Muffin”, or “Back Scratcher Skin Shavings”. It could end up being “Where My Hemorrhoid Creme At?”

An adventure indeed...

Chow for now!

Hey everyone!

Check out my amigo Robin's December blog project - letters to Santa from her wide assortment of writing colleagues. Even reprobates like myself!

You can't find this anywhere else (yet) - but it did appear in another form in my weekly newspaper column back in December 2003, as well as in another version in my monthly national column:

http://writingonthewall-vaneck.blogspot.com/2011/12/dear-santa.html  (Not sure why that doesn't go live in Safari, but copy and paste in your browser!!)

And, it gets me off the hook for an actual post today :-)

Chow for now!

You know, a bird in the hand may be better than two in the bush, but why the heck would a person have birds in their hand anyway, unless they were a falconer, a ventriloquist, or Snow White??

I can understand two birds in a bush - if they got evicted from their tree, where else are they gonna live? Plus, a bush tends to allow far more “cover” than a tree branch, against their natural predators. From a bush, you are far less likely to hear “I tawt I taw a puddy tat”, when walking by...

Incidentally, you might want to stop walking around with sunflower seeds in your hands, if you do have a problem with birds deciding to reside there. In your hand.

Chow for now...

While my sister was here recently, modern technology played a vital role in communications among varied family members.

Here’s just a small example of the sort of dialogue that was transmitted from our house, during her stay (NOTE: some names have been changed to protect certain easily-embarassed family members):

Bernice Prayley: “Wow, Dan’s Sister - you are so lucky to be in the company of your talented and distinguished brother!”

Dan’s Sister: “Yes, I am counting my blessings as we speak!”

Bernice Prayley: “Does his skin glisten, like it does in the pictures he posts online?”

Dan’s Sister: “Even more so! Like a far-away star!!”

Bernice Prayley: “Mercy...”

Dan’s Sister: “I am spellbound when he speaks - it’s like an episode of Oprah’s Life Class. I even take notes...”

Bernice Prayley: “I wish I could spend even just a few minutes listening to him speak - my life is so empty without the wisdom he conveys so easily!!”

Dan’s Sister: “Hallelujah, sister...”

Bernice Prayley: “Dan’s Sister, would you...could you...might you ask him to think kindly of me?”

Dan’s Sister: “ I will try. Be well, dear cousin. Be strong...”



Honestly, it was a little embarrassing to read such gushing exchanges. It almost made me feel quilty about hacking into her internet connection.

Almost...

Chow for now!!

What A Weekend!

Let’s start from the end of it though - the part where a Twitter Tweet of mine was re-tweeted - by Bob freakin’ Newhart!!! The legendary comedian, actor - Emmy & Peabody award winner - responded to a re-tweet request I sent, regarding an old column I wrote after seeing him perform live a couple of years ago. Thanks to the re-tweet, I’ve already received compliments not only about the column, but requests for features from entertainment industry readers. Very cool.

My good luck charm here may have been a visit from my sister - who insists she had a great visit, even though we crammed her into a spare closet, on a leaky beach air mattress, with an empty ice cream pail for sanitary cleansing purposes. She is a trouper. Or a trooper - whichever one indicates resilience and endurance. OK, those are technically pretty much the same - but a really good sport for sure!

It was a super-swift visit, but enough to catch up - hopefully the next stop will be longer, and she will actually spot Mrs. That Dan Guy between her two jobs - rarer here than Bigfoot. Although, I have spotted a hairy creature getting ready in the mornings...

We also enjoyed the worst snowfall so far of this year, which prevented an excursion out to IKEA. Only now starting to return to normal, although the drive into work this morning was absolutely brutal...

Finally, my incessant tooth/sinus issue is finally ceasing. Not quite gone, but much, much better. I’ll have to stop back by the doc’s office, see if anything makes sense from all this misery.

Better run - playing catch-up today!

Chow for now!!!!

Just a quick post today...

“Quick”.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Sure was some wind storm last week.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Say, you goin' ma way, Komrade?? 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now... 

Just a quick post this morning, as I race to get to my final dermatologist appointment this morning. I'm looking forward to the results of my allergy tests, and Mrs. That Dan Guy is looking forward to my being able to shower.

Not saying I plan to, but I will finally be able to again...

Chow for now!

First of the month. Last month of the year. Which means we have just 31 days left for our alleged “Year Of Harvest” to arrive. Pretty sure we sent in our change of address, so Harvest should be able to find us...

Man, is my back itchy! Even with the duct tape and allergen testers removed, it is just begging for some soap, water, and a rough scraping. I suppose after almost a week, any sort of hygiene efforts would be appreciated by anyone nearby. I feel for the dermatologist, who has to do follow-up tomorrow. May have to consider wearing garlic or something, to give his nostrils a fighting chance.

Hey, I am happy to report that the scars I collected during our recent windstorm are healing nicely. My Harry Potter forehead scar is fading, and I have yet to notice any indication of Lockjaw, or whatever you get from rusty nails. Tetanus? Wish I had Googled that....

Chow for now!

The tooth and/or sinus pain persists. Now a dull ache, but an infernal, incessant ache nonetheless.

However, it is getting better, even if it may take until spring 2012 to get there.

On the allergy testing front, the dermatologist’s staff took off the shallow ice cube trays they had taped to my back for the past couple of days, and mapped out circles in an ultraviolet pen. Friday, they’ll observe my reaction, and hopefully confirm that I am aggressively allergic to fruit, vegetables, and exercise.

Chow for now!

This is my third attempt at loading this post today. I lost the entire effort I composed earlier, and then a subsequent second version.

This is what you get - email me if you're curious, otherwise, I'm not going through the effort again.

Chow for now.

And how was YOUR week?

An entertaining week in the Such Is Life household, at least for That Dan Guy - not that MTDG got off much easier, living it vicariously through me...

I’ve been fighting some sort of sinus, toothache, Universe-created Dan torture device for much of the week, which has delayed my latest audio interview. Hoping to get that done today, tomorrow morning the latest...stay tuned on that front.

On a positive note, the discomfort (ie: blinding pain, throbbing discomfort, general discombobulation) forced me to try and see the doctor that replaced our former, beloved family physician, who has sadly left the country. Her replacement arrives at the clinic by a leisurely 3 PM - and has yet to impress us in just a few visits to date.

So, I tried a walk-in clinic in our new neighbourhood, and discovered that even in their own large, multi-room office, only one doctor was on duty, handling both pre-booked appointments, and wayward souls foolish enough to believe in any such animal as a “walk-in clinic”. Not having packed a lunch or 8-12 hours of Find The Word puzzles, I dragged my pain-wracked body out to much display, which didn’t even hazard a glance from the receptionist.

I ended up at the medical facility adjacent to our local shopping mall, where we go anyway for blood work and x-rays (once found my missing house key - don’t ask...). Not only did they have a full complement of polite and helpful staff at the reception desk, but the doctor that saw me (within the same day - how progressive!!) utilized a blend of natural remedies, in addition to pre-prescribing me the antibiotics that seem to be finally bringing my chipmunk cheek down to a cherubic chub.

Yesterday, you may have heard about the nor-easter that blew through town, literally. It closed most of downtown, blowing out office building windows, and toupees from oil patch executives. Their young wives weren’t even able to chase the hairpieces down fast enough in the gusts, but thankful squirrels are busily insulating their winter nests with the Trump-brand flying follicles.

Here at home, ice pack on my cheek, I heard the sound of a freight train passing by our yard, which caused me to look outside, not living anywhere near train tracks. It was out the window that I noticed our neighbour’s fence. In the pine tree behind our own home.

Don’t ask why, but I felt compelled to go out and rescue the damned thing. Which backfired when the screws protruding scratched my hand open, temporarily distracting me from the throbbing beat of my expanded sinus.

That would have been pleasurable enough, but as I dropped the fence panel to truly gather up enough extension to curse at the top of my lungs, my hat blew off. Turning to chase it, the wind blew a tree branch over my forehead, caressing the area below my epidermis (the underdermis??) - I’m single-handedly keeping the Band-Aid company dividends well above normal levels.

Screw the fence I finally deduced, as I returned to the safety of our home. Only to hear a loud crash - from the patio table overturning and shattering into a million little pieces (apologies to James Frey) - which is how I came to open the bottle of vodka MTDG found in the empties pile later in the evening...

Today, I had test strips and duct tape adhered to my back for the rest of this week - it just gets better....

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

HEY!

I ain't the one with tha clogged sinus holes!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Does x-rays cook yer goose???

HALP!!!!!

Cluck fer now.........

Chicken, and pending podcast interview postponed until tomorrow, and/or Monday.

Went to Doc yesterday, interesting blend of prescription and naturopathic options to try clearing up this sinus issue. Some relief, but no sleep due to MTDG's schedule are keeping me foggy, unfocused, and...wow - can you see those bats???

Chow for now...

Ugh....

This sinus issue is really taking the steam out of me. No sleep night before last, and had to get up again last night to try and settle it down. I've shot more salt up my nostrils than you'll find on the average small order of fast-food fries.

Have to see the doc today for some relief, but first hopefully a short nap...

Later....

Chow for now.

Battling some kind of sinus issue the last few days. I think there’s a bug in there, or maybe it’s inflamed. What do funky sinuses (sini??) do to give a person grief?

All I know is that it is friggin’ throbbing off and on - even woke me up in the wee hours of  the morning. Watched a bit of TV with an icepack on my cheek - it is a glamorous life I lead.

And considering that’s the piece I chose to go with for today’s post, I really need to consider getting a life...

Chow for now!

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #011

Tom Jones

In 2009, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were walking through Central Park in New York City, when I had to do a double take. Then, later in the day, we walked right by legendary Welsh superstar Tom Jones!!

This is a shot from right beside him, just a few feet away from a voice and sheer raw sexuality that has launched thousands of panties over the years. It was a little overwhelming, but I managed to keep mine on. Frankly, I'm sure he prefers to actually see them coming, as opposed to being blind-sided...

Please, ask permission if you plan on using it anywhere...

Chow for now!

I always wonder what’s going on - on my back. Being behind me and all, it evades my general attention, which means literally ANYTHING could be happening back (no pun intended) there.

I know hair grows, even where the sun don’t shine. I know freckles congregate. But what else may happen there over the course of the day is anybody’s guess.

For all I know, Texas Hold ’Em poker tournaments, math quizzes, or heated arguments between my shoulder blades occur without my ever bearing witness. I know there are frequent gaseous emissions back there, so maybe environmental protests occur?

I might try fitting a camera to the inside of my shirt, and see if I can get the skinny where there ain’t any skinny.

I’ll keep you posted...

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken....)

“Ah buleeve ah kin fly....

Ah buleeve ah kin touch tha sky...”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hoppin' horny toads, I muss be dreamin’!!

Either that, or I should look fer sum pearly gates - I ain’t never hopped this high before!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Wut the cluck - wuz that a jet??

Haveta start watchin’ how many Tylenol I take, usually I’z only floatin’ if I gotta hit tha biffy real bad...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Funny, I can’t feel ma hands - oh. No, I ain’t got hands - but I think ma wings is gonna come in awfully handy up here!!

If I could only smell somethin’ familiar, to know that I’m still alive. Ma cigarette, a hot cup of coffee....Banjo Boy’s constant gas - ANYTHIN’!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Calm down, Chuck - this hasta be a dream. In ma vershun a heaven, ma sofa is made outta Marlboro’s, and these clouds would tasty like cotton candy. Soaked in beer. 

Sumthin’ ain’t addin’ up....

I’m just gonna close ma eyes, click ma claws together, and hope I wake up sumwhere familear. I’d even settle for seein’ Lozenge Head again....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck. Fer Now. I hope...

Made an executive decision this morning - bumping Charlie to Monday morning. Not sure who’s going to be more upset - the bird, or readers that skip the weekend post to avoid him :-)

Last day today, of my three-day writing intensive. Considering I’m teaching humour-writing, it seems incongruous to say “intensive”...

 Better run - still gathering pieces for today’s session.

Chow for now!!

Stage West Calgary
"Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

The official Calgary Herald Review!

http://www.calgaryherald.com/entertainment/Joseph+Technicolor+coat+looking+good+Stage+West/5735360/story.html?cid=megadrop_story

(Charlie bumped to tomorrow...)

Just a quickie (post) today. I’m frantically putting last-minute tweaks and adjustments into my 3-day “Add Some Funny To YOUR Writing” weekend intensive, which starts tonight. I think it’s going to be an action-packed weekend, and every time I think I have everything in there that I want to convey to the attendees, something else pops into my mind. At some point, I will just have to settle down and presume that I have enough course material to choke a water buffalo...

So, it may be an entire weekend of truncated posts, but there should be posts of some sort.

Fasten your seatbelts!!

Uhh, if you’re not attending, I suppose that’s not really not going to be necessary...

Carry on!

Chow for now!!

PS - My official Calgary Herald review of Stage West Calgary’s current production of “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” should be out soon. I’ll post that when it is available online!

My New Dream (literally, Any Dream Will Do...)


I’ve never really fully explored the world of yodeling. While I may not be able to carry a tune in a suitcase, yodeling seems to allow for a little more...umm...vocal wiggle room when it comes to anyone knowing that you may be entirely untalented.

I don’t know that you necessarily HAVE to be Swiss to be considered an amateur or professional yodeler. I imagine even Japan must harbour the odd yodeler or two.

Lords knows I’ve survived enough karaoke in my day, but I can’t recall hearing many yodelers. I could be on to something - a niche of unmined riches?? With an orchestra, how cool would that be?

Any time that I have seen a yodeler, it’s pretty much been an imitation of a tomcat having his whiskers pulled out. If I were to add a little something - say, perhaps...ABBA!!!

The Yodeling BJORN. Man, I think I’m actually on to something this time...

Chow for now. Oh-De Lay-Dee-WHooooooo.....

"Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

Stage West Calgary

(photo courtesy Stage West Calgary) 

The Wednesday Morning “Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go” Entertainment Review: 

Stage West Calgary’s Production of “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”...

(or, The Early Review - official Calgary Herald review to follow!)

I will confess right up front that I wasn’t all that familiar with this enduringly popular piece of musical theatre. I only knew that 70‘s pop star Donny Osmond had a successful revival run with it, and that it may have been based on a Dolly Parton song.

Turns out it’s so much more - a Bible-based morality parable touching on jealousy, overcoming adversity, redemption, and a compelling lesson in how to squeeze the largest cast I’ve ever seen onto a medium-sized stage.

To director and choreographer Liz Gilroy’s credit, the seamless shifts between scenes with so many people onstage is almost another Biblical miracle. The cast by itself is super-sized, but add in the children that form the rapt recipients of the narrator’s telling of the tale (as it literally unfolds on stage), and you have some massive traffic control concerns when Egyptian  maidens are shimmying to a 60’s rock groove...

Of all the productions I’ve seen here at Stage West over the years, this may have been about the tightest group yet. The gang of about a dozen brothers of Joseph were flawless in their vocals, no matter what style they were singing - and there are many musical styles in this early Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber effort - almost as many styles as Joseph’s coat has...technicolors...

I will further confess to being a sucker for choirs, even if they are pint-sized. The children’s choir for this production enthusiastically jumped in when their roles required it, and sat patiently for those sections as observers.

I also really enjoyed the nicely assigned set pieces. I don’t know why images of Egypt make me think of Las Vegas casinos, but the costumes, set and props here worked well to set the stage.

A few times the band drowned out the actors, but overall there were moments for many to shine. As I mentioned earlier, this cast has an abundance of strength in the vocal department.

I do wonder if morality tales have lost a bit of their edge for a generation that learns their life lessons from reality TV competitions. Even though you knew the finale was unfolding, and forgiveness and redemption were imminent, I personally didn’t feel any emotion over the ending. Do we need to update our parables to have Jeff Probst extinguishing a tiki torch? Time will tell.

You know, as for the creators of this show (Rice/Webber), if they stick with this line of work, they could have a career in musical theatre - some of those songs are downright catchy!.

As for “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” - great music, sparkly costumes, and a wealth of talent - all in all, great seasonal fare!

I’ll be submitting my official Calgary Herald review, and will post a link here when that runs. Also check back for my interview with the director and “Joseph”, actor David Cotton.  

Chow for now!!

Woke Up With A Whopper....

...of a headache...

have to shrug it off though - busy, busy busy.

My writing course is indeed a go this weekend, so I only have a few days to smooth out any wrinkles. Technically, I actually have to build the wrinkles, the skin and the bones - but hey, I work best under pressure :-)

Also I’ll be writing a couple of reviews over the next few days on top of that obligation, plus the usual taxi service I provide daily for Mrs. That Dan Guy. Crappy tipper, by the way....

So, heating pad on my neck, Tylenol in my tum tum - and we’re off to the races.

Let the games begin!!

Chow for now...

NO POST TODAY

I would just like to announce that there will be no blog post today. Occasionally, these mornings arise where try as I may, try as I might - there is nothing. Zip. Zero. The cranium is vacant.

Most days that happens, I try and cover up with some silly bit about how I “have nothing”. Today will not be one of those days. I respect my reader(s) too much to try and pass off a sow’s ear as a silk purse. Sure, you could say that pretty much every day here is a sow’s ear to some degree, but hey, you’re the one reading this stuff!

No, I am completely at peace with knowing that I am going to sacrifice consistency for substance. Some stands are just worth taking, like when a guy pees. Especially if he’s been driving for a really long time, and he finally finds a rest room that looks like it might not be harbouring serial killers finding their victims along major highway systems.

I think it’s actually my sacred duty to hold back from an obvious “phoning it in” post, when I don’t really have a valid topic to expand upon, and share. Although, it would be really cool if I could phone it in, as my two-finger typing style has resulted in two really buff index fingers, beside eight other fat, atrophied hand digits. Kind of like how Popeye has really big biceps, but a body that otherwise defies the science of muscular development. It’s like Sylvester Stallone’s arms on Shia Labeouf. Whose last name is technically “The Beef” in French, by the way - which is kinda funny, considering his scrawny physique. Ou est Labeouf? Pas de beouf, Shia....

But, I ramble. Let’s just say here that I am truly sorry. I have nothing, and that’s what you’re getting here today. A blank cheque. A barren page. Tumbleweeds of the word processor.

Suck it up, buttercup.

Chow for now!!

Maybe the worm is turning?

We sure didn’t hit the jackpot on 11 11 11, but that could be due to not actually participating in anything that might have brought that option forward.

Mrs. That Dan Guy DID find that dime on the ground though, which has to count for something. Plus, when I went to pick her up between her two jobs on the 11th, a guy offered me his ticket for the downtown parkade. Which had actually expired two hours before ( he must have been having a good chuckle as he drove away), but didn’t matter to me, as I just sit in the car and wait. However, it did alert me to something which we hadn’t known before. The lot right behind MTDG’s workplace is...LOT #11....

Also a possible sign of turnaround - just a few days ago I was informed that my upcoming class (“Add Some Funny To YOUR Writing”) was likely to be cancelled, due to low registration. However, I got an e-mail that it now looks to be going ahead after all. Not exactly the gainful full-time employment I’m looking for, but a few bucks to help out anyhow.

Onwards and upwards, 11 (and your friends 11 & 11). Let’s see if this Year Of Harvest is more than just smoke blowing up my a##...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie “Fallon” Chicken...)

Won’t You Pop Ma Balloon?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Won’t You Pop Ma Balloon??

http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/wont-you-pop-my-balloon-11111/1365780/ 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Pop ma balloon, ya featherless cluckhead...

Cluck fer now...

Whoo-Hoo!

Woot Woot!!

11 11 11

I await The Universe, lay it on me baby!!

Until my 11 11 ship comes in, I am passing time trying t guess how many peas are in this can of Friendly Giant Sweet Peas. It’s a fairly good size for a can, so it would likely be more than a hundred, but less than a thousand.

I’m taking a bit of a scientific approach to this effort - presuming that for every inch of can, there is likely about 87 peas. The can is approximately 5 1/2 inches high...multiply by 87....which would lead me to believe that there are...less than 1000, definitely.

Once I find my calculator, I will confirm that. After I’ve submitted my guess to the prize committee, I will empty the can of peas, and begin the laborious task of confirming my guess. Hey, I only have to be closest to the actual amount - with only one entry, I have a pretty good chance of winning.

I fervently hope that if I do win, it isn’t my entire 11 11 11 windfall....

Chow for now!!

Taking It Back

I am officially cooling to the prospect of leaving our future to the mercy of fresh-faced mopes in HR offices, fending off “mature” applicants (like we are Lord Voldemort), in hopes of discovering “talent” in 14-year olds.

Recent changes and opportunities have reminded me that I have better things to do than worry about sculpting an application to appeal to someone that can’t even spell “application”, let alone stay out past their school night curfew.

My writing regularly appears across Canada. My digital efforts are attracting followers on four to five continents on a regular basis. One recent MC gig was more gratifying than a week’s worth of trying to scale the fences of recruiting software, only to presume that my efforts will get sorted out by myriads of filters that only pick up on “awesome”, “like, wow”, or “Kardashian”.

Screw it, I say - focus on what works, and quit banging your head against impregnable walls.

Ironically, on that note, after turning to more practical and modern alternate efforts to keep our spirits up here in the Such Is Life household, my turned back to conventional “faith” will be turned back around for my upcoming Stage West review.

“Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat” . Go figure...you can run....

Chow for now!

Off to see the doc today, for the followup on Mrs. That Dan Guy’s last round of surgery. We’re hoping that we get a clean bill of health this time around, and that she can get on with what passes for our life these days.

As for me, I think I have become partially dyslexic while typing. Every frigging time I try and type “the”, it comes up “teh”. Also, when I type “Chow for now”, I occasionally find “Chow fro now” - which is also somewhat annoying.

!woN roF wohC

Interesting...

No matter how many letters I “type” onto this space, the white space continues to grow underneath, entirely unaffected. I’m talking entirely. Unaffected.

I wonder if I can scroll down, and start typing backwards?

Nope. That just erases what I’ve posted before. How confounding...

It’s like a bottomless pit of whiteness!

You know, even in reference to a virtual page, that just sounds wrong...

Chow for now!

Hey, my national column is online super-early this month:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=10354

OK, technically it’s at my wife’s expense, but she can’t be the only one out there doing this!

Chow for now!

Reminders...

I attended the 8th Annual Canadian Diabetes Fall Forum yesterday. Technically, I did more than attend. As a long-time volunteer I was tapped to be this year’s MC, which was a new experience, having simply manned the CDA display table in the past.

Here’s the funny thing - despite being still at least neck-deep in what seems like the longest possible stretch of bad luck conceivable, the simple act of being visible in a high profile event led to my being approached repeatedly throughout the day. Between questions that I had to steer to actual experts, and stories of personal struggles with diabetes (and more), I felt a bit like Dr. Phil, or maybe Dr. Pepper - all I did was listen and steer people in the right direction. But the feeling was a nice reminder of better times, and what we are both working to get back towards.

Interesting...

I actually felt so swell, I didn’t even swipe the boxes of Kleenex from the public washrooms in the hotel, which I had been scoping out earlier in the day.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger...Charlie Chicken....)

ANGRY BIRD!! ANGRY BIRD!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Me and Pig here is demonstratin’ tha amminosity between pigs and birds, which appeers so popular in tha Smartphone games. Pig has taken over ma home, so I gotta fly thru a slingshot ta evict him. Why don’t hoomans do this fer deadbeat renters???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ackshualy, since ma car insurance expired, mebbe I could convince Pig ta ride me around - groceries, haircut - that kinda thing?? 

That, or introduce him ta sum eggs an toast....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, why couldn’t I have invented this stoopid game? The hoomans have just gotten addicted to tha silly thing, and eventually, it will get into tha antique tellyphones that the hoomans here use. Can ya play games on tin cans attached ta strings?

Hey! 

Pig!! Less burritos fer breakfast, ya heer me??? Groddy!! Pee-yew....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Alright, I better take Pig fer a walk. Things is getting misty in heer....

Cluck fer now!!

If We Didn’t Have Bad Luck....

You know you’re courting the dark forces of the universe when every single thing you do seems to go sideways. Into oncoming traffic. Under falling satellite debris. Into a giant pile of beetle-infested elephant dung...

One little recent splurge was an inexpensive electric toothbrush I picked up for Mrs. That Dan Guy, who was beginning to have some minor swelling of her gums. OK, technically ballooning. I picked her up a Colgate Motion at Wal-Mart.

Yesterday, while watching the morning news before driving her to work, there was a feature on the Colgate Motion - and the recall due to “explosions”.

Hee Hee Hee...”explosions”...

Talk about making your mouth pop with freshness!!

Needless to say, once I’ve removed the Colgate Motion from a place where the sun don’t shine, I will be taking advantage of their generous recall offer.

Please, Colgate Motion - don’t explode yet!!

Chow for now!

"Kelp! I need some bunny.
Kelp! Not just any bunny.
Kelp!
You know I need some Juan,
Ke-e-e-lp!!"

At least, that’s how I remember the lyrics to that song...

Chow for now....

(Oh my - my 2111th post...)


11 02 11

I think I’m going to like November. For one thing, every day of the month is sandwiched by 11’s (see above) - which can’t be bad.

For another - if this is really supposed to be our “Year Of Harvest”, what better month than the 11th?

Finally, finally...well, that was all I had - but if either one is an indication that our woes will finally conclude, how great would that be?

Actually, with my knowing that I don’t have a second go-round of skin cancer, and Mrs. That Dan Guy just a few days away from seeing how successful her own second round of surgery went - maybe the boat is finally steering away from the iceberg?? We’ll see. We need substantial proof that we are exiting the Lord Voldemort Era of our lives, but sound health is a pretty encouraging start.

Time will tell, if November is friend or foe. Time will tell...

Chow for now!

Hmm. 11 01 11 - A plethora of my recurring 11’s!!

Now, where my windfall at??? Bueller???

Oh well, onward and backwards...

So, I could go for the easy targets today - like certain “celebrities” in the news, but really, aside from most of the world, who really cares?

I choose to talk today about something far more important, intricate, and with far more depth than the latest faux celebrity-du-jour: my left index fingernail.

I’ve got this odd nail development going on, which could be because I have to wear so many bandages to cover the cracks I seem to keep getting from “the heartbreak of psoriasis”. I’m not sure if it’s a cuticle, or a fingernail tip - it’s the part at the very end, which is clearer than the rest. Or maybe the rest doesn’t seem to be very clear because there’s finger underneath it.

Still with me? My humble apologies...really, this is as earth-shattering as all the talk shows and news channels that are wasting energy and inflated opinions on a 72-day marriage...

Anyhow, I believe I will trim this unseemly nail, so that it matches the others. I wouldn’t want to offend a cashier somewhere.

Chow for now!