Chicken Scratch

Howdy, humans – Charlie here, getting’ ya prepped for tha enda tha month – even chickens got standards, ya know…

This Halloween, I hope to gitcha ready to provide only the TOP quality a snacks when yer handin’ out yer goodies – NUNNA that HOMEMADE CRAPOLA!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, I can barely scratch my red pointy thing on my noggin, when I thinka how many morons still insist on givin’ out CRAP at Halloween. Kids and chickens wait all cluckin’ year ta fill bags or pillow cases with TREATS, and some clown families out there ALWAYS insists on givin’ out sumthin’ healthy, or stoopid - like sunflower seeds. Do I LOOK like a pluckin' flowerbed???

If ya don’t wanna getta setta brass knuckles in yer kneecap, leave them “apples”, “popcorn”, or baggies filled with veggie sticks out in yer back yard, where the raccoons will GLADLY rip inta them. How can I say this politely…CANDY!!!!!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I’m posin’ here with some simple exampulls of acceptable fare for my candy bag. Chocolate bars/candy kisses/rockets/Twizzlers/Candy Corn (pellets if ya can find ‘em)/Belgium chocolate – anything with enough sugar ta rot yer molars in under a week, if ya eat the cluckin’ stuff every day.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

So, this year for Halloween folks – give a chicken (and the heavier kids in yer neighbourhood – heck, even the skinny ones will appreciate it) a break – hand out premium candy, and don’t be so pluckin’ stingy about it when ya do.

Remember, the Great Pumpkin will be watchin’…

Cluck for now!!

I will admit – I was always a big fan of the Monty Python Comedy Troupe (and maybe it is like Mrs. That Dan Guy suggested – “it must be a guy thing…” Huh...). When I noticed that there was a little reunion of sorts set to occur on “Late Nite With Jimmy Fallon” - well, I had to record it.

We watched the episode last night, and what a howl! Fallon lost all control as each member of Python aspired to outdo one another with hijinks – including at one point an impromptu fight with cups of water.

The stories told were fun, and even Fallon managed to rise to the level of his guests – although he should really consider giving up on his show-opening monologues – the man is NOT a stand-up.

I don’t know if you can download that episode from The Google, but you really should keep your eyes peeled for if it should repeat. Freakin’ hilarious.

Chow for now!!

For Halloween this year, I think I’ll go trick or treating as either an ice cube, or a snowball.

I often wonder if folks get perplexed by a large, balding trick-or-treater at their door – but then I think about my pillow case full of delicious candy, and the bad thoughts go away…

Chow for now!!

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s off to shovel I go…

Yes folks, once again we have woken to a hearty snowfall having fallen overnight, which just happens to be getting fresher by the minute – Mother Nature has a serious case of dandruff this morning.

So, unlike those adorable little dwarfs from the famous Snow White story, I will be gathering snowfall rather than diamonds, which have far more appeal to the cashier at the Blackjack tables.

Our only solace is that if our squatter gopher is still living beneath our front stairs, he’s stuck there now until spring. Happy hibernatin’, Herbie!!

Chow for now!

I thought some sort of “El Ninny-o” was supposed to bring us a mild winter this year? Despite those forecasts, we are experiencing colder than average weather for this time of year, and after I post this blather, I have to go shovel the driveway. We had a hefty drop of snow overnight. And Mrs. That Dan Guy is COMPLETELY ignoring my hints to head out and get started on the shoveling.

It thus falls on my (recovering from possible H1N1, food poisoning, rickets, exhaustion) shoulders, to make our driveway clear and safe.

Brrr…..

Chow for now!

What kind of Thanksgiving was THAT?

Just as I was digging into my turkey dinner last night, I had some degree of kickback from my digestive system (I should probably have warned you that this post may get a little gross…) – I thought maybe a bit of light indigestion. BEFORE the big meal. Oy!

After taking a break, I was able to soldier on and finish, but not too long thereafter certain uncomfortable bodily functions began to explode, somewhat literally, if you get my drift. That went on for the rest of the evening, overnight, and still so far this morning. Hence my late start, and delicate seating composure this morning.

Why? Why, I ask??

(No more) Chow, for now!

Happy Thanksgiving (in Canada, at least)!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I will be feasting in royal style this year, thanks to an ingenious plan I concocted long before this weekend arrived.

About a month ago, I set up a birdfeeder in our backyard. I don’t know about your neck of the woods, but here we get LOADS of nuisance birds in our yards – most especially magpies. These neighbourhood vultures can’t be bothered to hunt like robins or falcons – they just rip apart garbage bags while they sit on the curb waiting to be picked up each week. I had become a tad fatigued with picking up garbage from my front lawn, after these pests had feasted on old coffee grounds.

So, I set up a birdfeeder, with little bags of garbage hanging from the sides, to especially encourage the participation of neighbourhood magpies. However, I laced the birdseed and garbage with Jack Daniels – and before too long, my backyard was literally strewn with an abundance of passed-out magpies.

One of the fatter ones is going to be the guest of honour at our Thanksgiving dinner tonight. His beak is now a bottle opener.

Mmmm Mmmm good….

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

“GOOD MORNING, VIETNAMMMMMMMM!!!!”

(Heh Heh Heh…)

I always wanned ta do that…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, boys and girls, ole Charlie is considerin’ getting’ inta the radio biz – an I think I may be a natural. I’m blessed with a strong set a pipes, and my cousin, Rusty Limbaugh, has done pretty good for hisself down in the ole U.S. a A.

I don’t mean ta “crow” about misself, but havin’ recently completed a online grammar course, I think I could be the suavest chicken on the airwaves – or with a bit a practice, maybe I could be the next Howard Stern! I could learn ta curse, or be ob-seen!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Man, imagine tha groupies a chicken could gather, if he wuz ticklin’ their earlobes over the airwaves!

I could be a mornin’ show host! It’s in our blood as chickens, even if those show-off roosters get all the glory. Who’dya think gets the roosters up on time for all that cock-a-doodle-doodlin’???

Well, it’s LADY chickens, let’s just set the record straight right now…

Pluck me…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I better high-tail it outta here, and get back ta my vocal exercises. I’m workin’ on my low register this mornin’ – gotta get this pluckin’ phlegm outta my system…

Cluck for now!!

I think my butt is getting hairier…

I’m gonna have Mrs. That Dan Guy give me a detailed report.

Chow for now!!

I’m thinking of applying to have “Murphy’s Law” renamed to something a bit more appropriate – such as “That Dan Guy’s Irrevocable Odds Of Absolute Worst Case Scenarios”. I don’t know if Murphy was ever as consistent as we seem to be.

Case in point – we decided to get rid of a second car that has been sitting out on our driveway for a year or so. Even not running it has cost us money, as the battery died of a broken heart (neglect), and had to be replaced. This car has been babied since we’ve owned it, we just didn’t have a reason to use it anymore.

However, when we came up with a reasonable price, we brought it in for a seasonal oil change and got a bit of bad news – the repairs that the beast unexpectedly needed exceeded our sale price expectations by a couple of hundred dollars. This from a car that has long been a guidepost for maintenance-free operation, and hasn’t been run regularly for at least two years.

Sometimes I think that if I bought a winning lottery ticket, the government would file for bankruptcy the next morning.

These are the mornings I want to punch Tony Robbins in the nose…

Chow for now!!

(This piece appeared in my Canadian newspaper column...):

Late Night, In The Afternoon

I had never been to New York City before, so when my wife and I planned an impromptu trip to The Big Apple recently, she made a request for tickets to attend a taping of the Late Night With David Letterman show. Despite our limited but hopeful expectations – we got a call, and correctly answered a Late Night trivia question – we were in! And as it happened, we were present for history being made, with guest Sir Paul McCartney appearing on the show for the first time in his career.

Even having pre-arranged tickets before leaving Canada, you can’t start to breathe easy until you’ve got the actual tickets in your hot little hands. Anything can happen – a freak infestation of holidaying killer bees, street vendor hot dog stand food poisoning, aging Paul McCartney fans threatening to pummel you with their Beatles memorabilia – it is a gauntlet of gnawing anticipation, as you watch the crowd gathering.

But wait – I’m getting ahead of myself! Before the show, we stopped in at Hello Deli, owned by Letterman recurring character Rupert Jee. His business was the trivia question I answered correctly, to get our tickets. It just felt proper to reward him by taking up space in his deli, to split a roast beef sandwich. I even kept his hand-scribbled note, indicating we ordered the “Brian” sandwich (although he should maybe have been a prescribing physician instead – it looks more he wrote “Pmai”).

After lunch, we finally began the lengthy queue to get those tickets in our hands, waiting to get into the Ed Sullivan Theatre – the very theatre that The Beatles, Elvis, heck - virtually every top performer of that era appeared. Just above us, on top of the Late Night marquee, Sir Paul was doing a sound check for a mini-concert he was doing as part of the show. “Get Back” – Holy Flashback of “Let It Be”, Batman!!! You got goose-pimples…

The process in the ticket line is a bit secret-agent-ish. You wait in one line, then get herded off to the other side of the street, while your heart sinks as you briefly believe that they are escorting you away from the theatre. Keeping your eyes peeled for gentlemen in pin-striped suits with cement buckets, you are relieved to discover that the next stop is the Roseland Theatre, directly across the street from legendary former New York disco Studio 54, where you are sorted by groups into more groups, to (at long last) find tickets to The Late Show in your sweaty palms. Your pulse soon returns to normal.

But, you’re not done waiting. Another line, this one under the marquee, where McCartney is rehearsing “Coming Up”. I hope it’s more like “Staying Up”, as that marquee looks awfully old…

Despite the charade, the show is taped in the afternoon, for broadcast later that night. You have never been so thankful for air conditioning as you are when you finally step foot into the theatre – sweaty goose pimples are considerably unsightly.

In the theatre, we ended up in the second row, just off to the side. We were about 5’ from announcer Alan Kalter – 20’ from Letterman himself while he was sitting at his desk with Sir Paul, after his opening monologues and silly bits. We had a clear view of The CBS Orchestra, and hammy cohort Paul Shaffer. The whole thing just made your head swim. Even more surreal, action star Bruce Willis strolled out to do the Top Ten List, of things he was doing that summer. Fine sense of humour, Mr.Willis. He turned up for the mini-concert afterwards, soliciting more photo ops – cameras not allowed IN the theatre, but free to snap on the street. A street full of happy snappers, there was…

Oh yeah, the concert – McCartney did a half-dozen songs, even though only two were broadcast as part of the show. Great blend of Wings, Fireman and Beatles stuff. The Late Night audience had a special viewing area, as the streets of Manhattan were literally swollen with McCartney fans.

So, not only did I attend a filming of David Letterman’s enduring show, I also had the opportunity to see Paul McCartney make his first-ever return visit to the site of one of the most memorable TV broadcasts of all time.

I have the feeling that getting a High Score on my Wii Bowling just won’t be the same anymore…

©Dan St.Yves 2009

OUR PATIO FURNITURE HAS BEEN STOLEN OVERNIGHT!!!

I looked outside this morning, and discovered that some heartless fiend has stolen our entire set of outdoor furniture, including our outdoor garbage can. What’s up with that?? Rat bastard!!

What?

We put it all away last weekend? Oh…that’s right…

Well, never mind then…

We’ll see it next summer…

Chow for now!

SEVEN!!

We made it!

Even though it seemed like all hope was gone, some unexpected strategic planning on our part allowed for our recent houseguests to become the first elder relatives to make it to all seven local casinos.

The winning strategy? The final casino is located right beside the airport, so on their way back home we were able to stop in just long enough to add it to the list, making a clean sweep of the facilities here. Funny, we couldn’t have been the only ones – plenty of other seniors were rolling luggage along the casino floor as well.

Hopefully they had as much fun here as we had hosting them. Arranging a morning snowfall was just one of the little extras we tried to add for authenticity of a prairie getaway. We didn’t expect it to still be falling though – have to talk to the event planners about that one.

Sure, they loaded their suitcases with our bathroom towels, but maybe it was time to replace those old things anyhow. We went through their wallets while they were sleeping, and now have sufficient funds to do that.

Life now returns to normal, or whatever passes for that here in the Such Is Life household…

Chow for now!

FIFOOT comes to an end today, as our visiting family returns home later this afternoon, leaving one local sight (casino) on the table. In grand Calgary style, we have arranged for a fresh snowfall overnight, to remind them of why this ain’t Kelowna…

Yesterday a tuckered group hung out around Chez Such Is Life. We played more games, primarily “Sequence”, a game that the more you play, the more you wish you were being electrocuted naked in a wading pool. While sharks are gnawing on your legs. While falcons are pecking off your moustache, one hair at a time. I imagine we may have enough time to play a few more rounds before we head off to the airport.

On the sports front, what a start to the NHL season! Our Flames are two for two, as are the Canadiens. Not so much – the Vancouver Canucks. May be time to fire the coach, GM, and trade the goalie.

Oh yeah, finally – the legend of our uncle’s snoring. We’ve waited patiently these past few days, to no avail. Last night though, while watching the Calgary/Edmonton game, he drifted off into a light slumber, and Mrs. That Dan Guy wondered if a storm was blowing in. From downstairs she heard him. OK, maybe he DOES snore a tiny bit…

All in all, a great visit!

Chow for now!!

(Charlie has been preempted, as we continue with FIFOOT Week coverage…)

It looks like we are poised to fail once again. Our second set of Family In From Out Of Town is running out of gas, just before the finish line. We’ve been to six out of the seven local casinos, but last night my aunt and uncle admitted – “we’re done” – they are “casino’d out” – they have "less interest left than a David Letterman extortionist".

Well, it wasn’t without fine, hardy efforts on all of our parts. Some days we were even forced to double up, hitting TWO casinos at a time. So close…so close…

We did end up putting them to work during their visit. Yesterday, I wanted to take our gazebo down before it rained (as forecast), so my uncle helped out with dismantling that. I figured that as long as I had a helper, I’d put the whole outdoor furniture and décor set away for the season.

Then, I remembered that my car needed a tune-up, and some light body work, so I showed him where the tools were. While he set himself into that effort, I had my aunt strip our hardwood floors (they’ve been kind of dull lately…).and refinish those while Mrs. That Dan Guy and I caught up on our napping. Hosting visitors is downright exhausting!

Today – we’ll get them to tackle the attic!!

Chow for now…

Day Three of FIFOOT (Did I say FIROOT yesterday? That makes absolutely no sense at all…).

We’ve made it to four of seven casinos so far, and have managed to consume several members of the animal kingdom in the process. Gambling seems to build a hearty appetite. Too bad it hasn’t built a hearty wallet at the same time…

Aside from that, I’m afraid I must admit that recently I was the victim of an extortion scheme, related to affairs with staff members here in the Such Is Life household. No, wait a minute – that was Letterman – we don’t have enough staff, unless you count the chickens. THAT would be seriously wrong…

Well, a bit of a late start to our day, what with game playing until the wee hours of the morning – better run so we can stay on schedule – three more casinos to go!! Maybe a few sights as well – who knows?

Chow for now!!

Day Two of FIROOT (Family In From Out Of Town) went rather well, expanding on the success of Day One. Although we are now officially falling behind on our Casino Visit Schedule, despite Mrs. That Dan Guy’s House Guest Action Plan. We hope to get back on track later today.

While we were out at a casino located close to the Saddledome, we got caught in the traffic snarl (and man, was it snarlin’…) of the mobs leaving after hearing the Deli Llama speak.

Is that right? Deli? Llama?? I think it might be Dolly Rama??? Dally Lumbar??

Anyhoo – that cost us some valuable visiting time in traffic jams – which we filled with vigorous group sing-a-longs. Man, nothing warms the ear canals like a hearty rendition of “Kumbaya”, even if all four singers can’t find a single one of the proper notes…

After dinner, we learned a new game, apparently a game that has been passed down in the family, instead of the usual gas we’ve grown used to from some members. Not naming any names, “DP”!!!

The game is called “Sequence”, a combination of board and card games. Like Raisin Bran, it’s similar to “a whole lotta awesome”. We played teams, guys against the girls, and soundly thrubbed them. Repeatedly.

Chow for now!

Whew…

Have to run to take Mrs. That Dan Guy in for a doctor’s appointment, but Day One of having family in visiting has been pretty madcap. Our caps are downright batty!

Within hours of their arrival, we had shared a quick snack – our secret family recipe for toast. Dee-licious! That was just to fire up the engines, as we departed for The Calgary Zoo, due to delightful weather (no blizzards). The monkey population was expanded briefly as we made our way through what was pretty much an empty facility – don’t people take time off work to visit the local zoo anymore? Oh well, the lack of crowds allowed us to walk in a single file horizontally, like the astronauts in that “The Right Stuff” movie – loads of swagger.

After returning home for a delightful supper (including more bread, but not specifically toasted), we made chit chat until the lure of the local casinos finally got the better of us – we were off, like flies to moldy tomatoes!

What happens in Calgary (from there), stays in Calgary.

Gotta run!

Chow for now!!

Fall TV Season, so far…

Well, we’ve had a week or two to peruse some of the new offerings for this fall TV season, and despite reading of optimism from the networks on the new shows – here’s my thoughts:

“Community” – primarily starring Chevy Chase – crappy.

“Accidentally On Purpose” – primarily starring Jenna Elfman – crappy.

“Eastwick” – primarily starring Canuck Paul Gross and some aging ex-models – boring, with scattered flurries of crappy.

“Modern Family” – an ensemble cast of “Hey, isn’t that the lady from…” – some potential. But the pre-launch commercials were funnier than the actual show.

“The Good Wife” – primarily starring Julianne Margulies – been there, done that – as far back as 1974. Oh yeah, also liberal doses of crappy.

“Flashforward” – INTERESTING!! There may be one show we pursue past debut week…

(The preceding opinions are those of someone that posts as a rubber chicken on the weekend, and may not necessarily reflect the tastes of actual TV viewers.)

Hey, we have company arriving from out of town this morning – so there might actually be some interesting things to read about here over the next few days!

One can only hope…

Chow for now!

Hola!

Eez freezin’ cold here these morning, Senor et Senoritas!!

Well, maybe not FREEZING cold, but pretty chilly nonetheless. We’ve got our fireplace roaring away, trying to get the circulation to return to our extremities. In the meantime, we’re being careful not to bump into any furniture, lest one of those frozen extremities were to fall off.

Clearly, my days of lounging over breakfast in my man-kini are done for this year. This will sadden Mrs. That Dan Guy greatly, but there will always be the pictures to remind her.

I hope you’ve already had breakfast yourself…

Chow for now!!

Oy.

Had to download a new version of Windows Office – the 60 day trial feature on this netbook was close to expiring.

Now that my stress levels are thru the roof, perhaps I can get to this post, and finally enjoy some breakfast – I think I was far more suited to lounging on beaches that I am to fighting with technology…

Actually, I think I’m far better suited to staying in bed than I am to fighting with technology.

Sadly, I had big plans for today’s posting, but after navigating the web that is Microsoft, even just online, I am now ready for a cold beer and a couple of Tylenols.

Breakfast of champions.

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Brrrr….

What the cluck! When did the mercury decide to frost over??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I can’t quite put my chicken knuckles on it, but it seems like summer has suddenly vamoosed, and there are signs that colder weather is enroot. A fella could use some pants on his pinfeathers around here!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

If I didn’t know better, I’d say there were subtle clues that I musta missed – it was like 30° degrees here just the uther day! Now the birdbath outside looks like a NHL rink. The neighbourhood squirrels have gone into panic mode, rustlin’ up nuts. They better take a good look at a big bald one that lives here!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Holy guacamole! I need ta put some gloves on my knuckles – winner time must be just around the corner – from the Arctic!! Woe is cluckin’ me!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah, WTF – I’m gonna go for a siesta in the hammock right now anyway. I may be a chicken pop if I stay out too long, but I’m made outta hardy stock – and I don’t mean bouillabaisse!!

Cluck for now!!

7:11 AM!

I don’t know if I should post a blog, or have a Slurpee…

I think I’ll opt for having a Slurpee.

Kidding! Sorry, didn’t want to get your hopes up and then dash them so cruelly, but I will make a new post.

POST

Chow for now!

Yesterday, I added a hotlink to a review of mine that ran in the Wednesday Calgary Herald. Scroll back down there to check it out.

Also, I’ve got a full interview with actress Joyce DeWitt available in iTunes – just type “thatdanguy’s podcast” in the iTunes Store search engine. It’s a free download!

Well, Calgary enjoyed some uncommon seasonal warmth yesterday. We were hotter than many holiday destinations around the world, prompting planeloads of Hawaiians, Mexicans, Fijians, Bahamians, and Beelzebub to stop by and visit our province. I don’t want to be around when it snows later today on these poor saps…

Chow for now!!

Stage West keeps marriage alive

Stage West keeps marriage alive

Shared via AddThis

Yikes!

Read in the paper yesterday that New York City’s famous “Tavern On The Green” restaurant is going into bankruptcy. We spotted the picturesque venue on our whirlwind walking tour of Central Park. If we hadn’t been trying to squeeze a month’s worth of travel into a handful of days, we may have allowed time to actually stop in for a bite.

Alas, now it will never be…

Now, just to forewarn my dear reader(s) this morning, Mrs. That Dan Guy is gleefully rubbing her paws together, in hearty anticipation of making some sort of cockamamie claim. Know just that things aren’t always as they seem, especially if someone posts something haphazardly in the comments section here…

Chow for now!!

09 22 09…technically, 11 11…

Schizo days, here in the Such Is Life household. Yesterday morning, it was 3° when we awoke. It eventually went up to 20°. Today, we’re supposed to hit 28° (all temperatures in Celsius), an abnormal high for this time of year. It almost feels like Hawaii out there…

Although, looking out at the brown, dry grass (which I almost accidentally set on fire whilst smoking a cigar yesterday afternoon) – the comparisons end. Plus there’s no ocean, no palm trees, no swaying hula girls, no bracing sea breeze…

Who was I kidding?? Hawaii?? More like the dark side of the moon…

I’m so depressed…

Chow for now!!

Ah, the morning chill of impending fall.

Say, there’s dew on my basketball!

Maybe later I’ll go to the mall.

You know, I don’t have a cousin Saul.

I’m glad I registered for “Do Not Call”…

If I were a gangster, Mrs. That Dan Guy would be my moll.

No Emmy for Tina Fey? What gall!!

For this morning folks…b-d-b-d-b-d – That’s all!

Chow for now!!

A Closer Walk With Nature…

Lately, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have taken to leisurely strolls along a nature trail, close by in our neighborhood. Not only is it a bit of exercise, we’ve managed to view the occasional bits of wildlife along the way. Deer, coyotes, hawks, grasshoppers, wasps – a real potpourri of nature.

Friday night we happened to be out just as dusk was falling – happily at a reasonable rate of descent. We were coming up towards a deep gully, where a woman and her dog were peering downwards, into said gully. They were focusing their attention on a moose, and her calf – a calf about twice my size (just to put things into perspective).

We’ve never seen a moose that close before. What a majestic beast! Then, out of the corner of that frame, we noticed a reasonably-well-sized coyote reluctantly slinking away from the mother and her young – clearly frustrated at not being able to rustle up some dinner out of that scenario. Even a coyote knows enough to stay away from a protective animal the size of a Land Rover…

The pair of antler bearers started to move along, so we did the same thing – in the same direction. The path follows the ravine.

Suddenly, the pair began to head UP. Uphill, towards us. This is why zoos play such a vital role in providing safe environments to view nature, and a wide-open stretch of hillside brush provides so little protection from raging rugs with muscles. I’d have much preferred at that particular moment to be viewing that magnificent creature on the wall of a Montana’s Family Restaurant.

In some small degree of panic, we tried to find a gate in the fences along the trail, which we could utilize if we were charged. At this point in my life, I’ve quite come to enjoy my intestines INSIDE my body.

Happily, the moose on the loose vamoosed – without deciding to try either of us on as antler warmers.

We are now walking at what we hope are safer times of the day…

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Greeeeeat…….

What have I gone dun and dun to myself now??

Is this supposed ta be pheasant unner glass?

Or am I the first chicken in space???????

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, there’s air in here – so at least I’ll still be around next week at this time. Prezoomin’ I’ve managed ta peck my way outta here…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

This musta been a gag those little cluckers are playin’ on me – like when I fell asleep a while back, and they shaved the floppy red comb offa my crown. A chicken loozes his dignity when he’s bald as a pancake!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HEY!! I CAN’T LITE MY CIGARETTE!!!

HHHHEEEEELLLPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the hammer of Thor, SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET HURT WHEN I GET OUTTA HERE!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

I gotta get ta peckin’. Amuse yerselfs this mornin’.

Cluck for now!!

It would appear that my link to this new-fangled podcast thingy might not be all that easy to view. Even though I’m still setting up the actual site, here’s a direct link:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/

Click on the logo that says "Pod".

You might still have to set your browser to read RSS feeds, but at least you should see the link to hear the podcast, even if the page doesn’t display properly.

Unlike putting together an IKEA bookshelf, I may actually need to follow instructions when it comes to making this podcasting thing work.

I only wish that my god-given, natural Crazy Eights skills were of any help here…

Chow for now!!

Alright – after banging my head against the wall heartily the past few days, I accidentally discovered that I WAS able to post a podcast here. Of course, it didn’t seem to work on Vista and Internet Explorer, but if you go back to yesterday’s “extra” post, and view it as an RSS feed, you should be able to open my inaugural stab at podcasting – about a half hour show.

You’ll likely have much more luck if you’re using Safari or Firefox, but if you’re using Internet Explorer in Windows XP, that worked for Mrs. That Dan Guy, which is how I was able to discover that the blasted feature had loaded.

Anyhow, scroll down a bit, to where I say “Test”, “Test”, change the view to RSS Feed, and the invisible podcast will appear for downloading.Or playing. Or maybe this is all just a bad dream...

Chow for now!!

Test...

Test...

A link, but not the actual podcast yet...AAAAARGHHH!!!!

Help!

Help Help!

Anyone out there familiar with reliable podcast hosting sites? I’m getting ready to launch a new feature, but in the run up to that I’ve spent several days rooting out providers – my head is swimming like a goldfish in a bowl of chicken noodle soup.

So much technology, so little brain cells to absorb it with…

Chow for now!

Insomnia Diary – (Where’s The Hot Buttered Rum When You Need It?)

12:34 AM – After tossing and turning non-stop since we retired for the evening, I crawled out of bed and headed downstairs to get some cold water from the fridge. Couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw the time on the microwave. Made mental note to pick up a book on Numerology…

12:54 AM – After watching all the good TV programs on the early feeds we record, I am left to surf through a vast wasteland of paid programming, and drivel I wouldn’t force a rhesus monkey to watch. Decide to try going back to bed….

1:04 AM – How many Celine Dion albums do we own? Five? Eight? I have to know…

1:18 AM – Must…sleep….

1:34 AM – How is America EVER going to narrow down the choices for the winner of this year’s run on “America’s Got Talent”? I’m rooting for the opera lady, but several of the male vocalists gave stellar performances as well…

2:01 AM – After agonizing about too many critical concerns, I decided to get back up again, and check for e-mails. None – what did I expect, it’s 2:00 in the freakin’ morning???

2:03 AM – Mrs. That Dan Guy has discovered that I’m not in bed, and she’s not happy about it. I’d better get real sleepy, real fast. Gotta go…

Chow for now!!

Big week – I believe the fall TV season officially launches tonight. Just might have to clean my entire slate to be ready – wouldn’t want to be caught without enough Cheese Doodles and strawberry licorice…

The new TV season is ALSO great news for ole Mrs. That Dan Guy, who will get a reprieve from getting her behind whupped nightly at the Crazy Eights card table. Despite playing yesterday with one eyed closed, and dealing myself 12 cards at a time, I still managed to steamroll a swath of destruction across her chances of eking out even a couple of wins.

C’est la vie – when ya got it,ya got it…

Chow for now!!

Can someone please send some Google search results on “How To Win At Crazy Eights”? I’ll forward them on to Mrs. That Dan Guy, who has gotten soundly thumped the last few days playing against me. I don’t know why, but I’m some sort of Crazy Eights juggernaut – an unstoppable force of card-winning wizardry. I’m the freakin’ Harry Potter of the eights…

She takes it all in stride though, hiding her crushing disappointment well. Most opponents wouldn’t even be able to walk away from the game table, after the welts on their ego had grown to such epic proportion. To her credit, she is almost able to carry on, as if nothing had happened. What a trouper!

This afternoon, or evening, maybe I’ll go easy on her, and let her win a few games. Dignity thrives in even small successes…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

How revoltin’…

My fragile cluckin’ dignity…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

So kids, here’s the drill – if ya go onna fishin’ trip, make sure ya don’t stand up ta pee, unless ya gots good equal Librium. Otherwise, ya mite fine yerself getting’ hauled outta tha drink like I wuz…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Personally, I think Cornelius rocked the boat on purpose, cause it felt like the goddam Poseidon Adventure before I hurtled overboard, cigarette twirling off one way – a robust spray of liquid waste tha other…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I didn’t bother lookin’ for my smoke after THAT…

Luckily, while Corny wuz grapplin’ with how to work his feeble chicken brain, a coupla other fishermen happened by, an’ they pulled me out ta safety. With any luck, my pinfeathers will dry sometime this month.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

From now on, if we getta cravin’ for fish in the house, it’ll be from that pluckin’ Highliner dude…

Cluck for now!!

Yumpin’ Yiminy!!

(What was the name of that janitor in the Archie comics???)

Chow for now…

Had myself a “Wile E. Coyote” moment yesterday – and, I’m reluctant to admit – it wasn’t my first.

I was power washing our windows (exterior) before fall completely sets in, and happened upon our gopher hole, under our front stairs. As a gag, I thought I’d offer our gopher a free shower. With the turbo nozzle.

The little hole that indicated our gopher is probably still around then expanded into a bit of a two car gopher garage. That flippin’ hose blasted the bejeessus out of the hole.

I could’ve parked my own car in the dang thing.

So, now we are in repair mode. I’m trucking in some gravel and topsoil, along with some cement. Could’ve just rolled a pebble in front of the hole before.

I’m brilliant…

Chow for now!!

09 09 09…

In-ter-esting…

You’re probably wondering how we’re doing here, what with it being fall allergy season and all. Well, things are running smoothly, if by that you mean our nostrils. We’re moistening more Kleenex than a tribute to human spirit on Oprah. There’s more honking in this house than if a flock of Canadian Geese were passing by overhead. Or walking by, for that matter…

I suppose we could just take a few antihistamines and be done with it, but we are hardy stock, determined to shake off the uncomfortable effects of some common affliction like allergies.

Well, I am at least. Some other unnamed individuals are pretty much a wreck…

Chow for now!

Ugh…

Ya gotta pay the piper…

Yesterday, both Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to…umm…celebrate “Lack-Of-Labour” Day. We did doodly-squat. I am loathe to admit that we didn’t even get out of our pee-jammies until we went outside for a late-nite lounge in the gazebo. We were bums.

It’s not easy doing nothing for an entire day. Luckily, we had the Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon to keep us occupied, whilst we lounged on our sofa. Otherwise we may have been inclined to actually do something. Nothing drastic, but something at least a bit more than nothing.

Sort of like today’s post…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Happy Labour Day, mammals! (Don’t forget to help Jerry’s kids!)

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Went out to dinner the other night, an I was amused to see the sign on the wall – who orders “spit”, I thought? An just how fresh does spit need to be??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Then, I noticed the last word. CHICKEN!!! An I don’t think this place is offerin’ fresh chicken spit!!

Wut kinda cruel fate is this? My fellow cluckers, slow roasted?? These ain’t tannin’ beds!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

How would humans feel if us chickens started lashin’ stuffed mammals to a rotatin’ stick, over a toasty fire? THERE’D BE HELL TA PAY, THAT’S WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Give me cluckin’ strength…I gotta go take an Advil…

Cluck for now!

Sigh…

I was pretty sure that our resident under-the-stairs gopher had moved along, but I fear now that with the return of the tell-tale burrow hole – he’s back. Must have been on holidays.

Hopeful we would be avoiding a nasty showdown, I expect that a “final” resolution is going to bring me back under the ever-vigilant glare of the PETA people – especially if he’s big enough to make a fur cap from once he’s been whacked. Hey, I never got a Daniel Boone-style cap when I was a kid!

Gopher, you’re killing me. Looks like we’ll have to return the favour…

Chow for now!

Stage West Calgary: “Married Alive” Starring Joyce DeWitt, Tory Doctor, Sweeney MacArthur, and Ksenia Thurgood.

Singin’! Dancin’! Laughin’! – Marriage, As A Musical!

Last night my wife and I enjoyed the debut of another fine production at Calgary’s Stage West Theatre Restaurant, a musical romp exploring the state of matrimony from “Niagara to Viagra”.

“Married Alive” is the featured season premiere to open the newly-renovated facility. From a married man’s perspective, it was a subject I could relate to. As a man hoping to remain married, you had to watch how hard you laughed at some of the situations the cast poked fun at…

The great thing about gathering clichés to examine the human condition is that while they don’t always fit each and every time (or each and every person), the root is essentially set in a commonality – so that at one point or another, most of the audience can relate instantly to the circumstances of the shared lives that these four cast members found themselves in, over the course of the play. The rush of young love, the pull of career – the unresponsive sagging of certain aging appendages.

If you’ve been in a relationship for any length of time, you’re certainly going to relate to at least a handful of the premises – family gatherings, starting a family, or even just how to relate to your partner after you’ve both settled into your lives after the bloom is beginning to wrinkle. The two couples – one a set of newly-weds and the other midway along the matrimonial path, manage to cover just about all the hills and valleys – in song.

Speaking of songs, the show features a potpourri of musical styles. There are a few cookie cutter musical theatre numbers, but there’s also some convincing forays into heartfelt reflections, Golden Oldies, gospel-styled revival, and one run through some seriously Caucasian rap. Something for everybody – and as far as the performances go, each and every member of this cast can ably carry their musical roles.

The show opens with the “experienced” couple (DeWitt & MacArthur) attending the wedding of the younger pair (Thurgood & Doctor), and brings the show back full circle during vow renewals, all the time poking fun at the road of life – exaggerated. If you had to gauge the success of the efforts by the reaction of the sold-out audience – I’d say this show will have a healthy run here in Calgary, until it closes in November.

By the way, I hope to have my interview with Joyce DeWitt, and maybe even this review available in audio format shortly. Check back here, or my actual website ( www.nonsenseandstuff.com ) for more details.

Chow for now!

Yesterday, I had nothing. I think I hummed a few bars of some song, to fill this space.

Today?

I still got nothing.

So, let’s get on with it:

“Doo Doo Doo

De Doo Doo Dah

Dah Dah Doo

De Dum Dum Dah

Dibbity Dibbity Dibbity Doo

DAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Doo Doo Doo

De Doo Doo Dah

Dah Dah Doo

De Dum Dum Dah

Dibbity Dibbity Dibbity Doo

DAAAAAAAH!!!!!”

Chow for now!

Doo Doo Doo

De Doo Doo Dah

Dah Dah Doo

De Dum Dum Dah

Dibbity Dibbity Dibbity Doo

DAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Doo Doo Doo

De Doo Doo Dah

Dah Dah Doo

De Dum Dum Dah

Dibbity Dibbity Dibbity Doo

DAAAAAAAH!!!!!

Chow for now!

Stage West Calgary

Things can get awfully surreal around here, on any given day. Take yesterday for example, when I found myself sitting down to interview actress Joyce DeWitt, one of the three original stars of TV’s “Three’s Company”. She’s in town right now starring in a production of Stage West Calgary’s “Married Alive”.

And what a pleasure she was to chat with – I listened to the unedited file I recorded later in the day, and it is clearly one of the best in this series that is slowly growing – I just need to find a market for the darn things.

I was also allowed to watch some run-throughs while they were shooting some promotional video footage, making me even more anxious to see the full show Friday night. Talented cast.

So, Saturday morning poor ole Charlie is likely to get bumped in favour of a review of that production – I’m sure that he’ll live to cluck another day.

Chow for now!

GO TO REVIEW:

http://thatdanguy.blogspot.com/2009/09/stage-west-calgary-married-alive.html

09 01 09…interesting…

Why? Well, that’s a good question – I suppose I like the way those nines wrap around the number One. Not exactly repetitive or consecutive, but interesting nonetheless.

Good grief…

I need to get a life…

Chow for now!