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Saturday, April 19, 2014

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by...what the heck??? Charlie???)

Pass over yer choklit eggs, an nobody gets hurt, capeesh??


Ah'm tha Easter Bunny, an despite whats ya hears, ah GITS eggs, ah don give 'em!!

So pass me yer cluckin' eggs an ya don get yer knees whacked!!


Ya, confusin', ah know - but this is how it really werks.

An if yah gots any other candy, this is like mah Halloween, so put it in this here pillow case, so ah don'ts gotta bonk ya upside yer pluckin' head!!


Wut's that? I ain't hippity hoppin'??

Bum knee, frum all that goldern snow shovellin' this spring - wut's it to ya!



Cluck fer now!!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Chick Magnet!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm no chick magnet.

So, to gather Easter chicks, I have bought one on eBay! I'll let you know how it works after it arrives. How science works is clearly beyond me, but if a magnet can pull chickens in, there will be no shortage of eggs from now on in the That Dan Guy household!!

Plus, if anyone else is looking for Easter chicks, I'm hoping to have several to sell.



Thursday, April 17, 2014

Considering Some Plastic Surgery

My childhood G.I. Joe doll has not aged well, what with having been dragged through the mud and banged against trees back when I was a young darling.

I may have to arrange for some cosmetic surgery to restore the poor fella to his former glory (or at least to be able to see his beard again). Know any good plastic surgeons I can approach about this??

Maybe I should reach out to Joan Rivers or Kenny Rogers for a "Friends & Family" bulk discount?

I've asked my sister's Barbie doll, but her lips are sealed...

Any help would be much appreciated friends!!


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Embracing Ole Man Winter

Seeing as how Ole Man Winter seems determined to live in our basement throughout spring this year, we can only conclude that his marbles may be a little scrambled. He should already have moved on to Australia by now, but after yesterday (and today), it is clear he has no intention of moving on anytime soon. Even now, he's hollering for his morning newspaper, the crabby old SOB...

So, all we can do is embrace his lingering presence. There are some upsides, after all:

1) Dig out those Christmas cds that you had already put away back in January - many of the songs are far more fitting for the weather than those inappropriate Beach Boys hits...

2) I will save a fortune on lawnmower fuel this year!!

3) That shovel I bought Mrs. That Dan Guy for Christmas is really turning out to be a wise investment at this late point in the year...

4) Summer tires? in Canada?? HA HA HA HA!!!

5) The heavy snowfall has really covered up that deer carcass I've been meaning to remove...

6)  I will save a fortune on barbecue fuel this year!!

7) That frozen, ice-covered robin on the tree branch looks just like a Christmas tree ornament (is that muffled chirping I hear??)

8)  I will spend a fortune on heating fuel this year!!

9) My oil and canvas painting of the view out my living room window is simply shades of white...

10)  I will save a fortune on Speedo dry-cleaning this year!!


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Rejected Rock Band Names

You know, there have been some pretty lame names for rock bands over the years (The Hollies?? What, was Climbing Vines already taken??). But there are several others that were soundly rejected, and we have now compiled them below:

1) Minute Rice

2) The Doilies

3) 2 Guitars, A Bass, Some Drums, and a Piano Player

4) Fondled Buns

5) The Gardeners

6) Root Canal

7) Vladimir's Poo Tin

8) The Democratic Republicans

9) Weak Stream

10) The Beadles

11) The D to F Street Band

12) R.E.M. iniscin'

13) ABC-DE

14) Tone Deaf & The Off-Tunes

15) The Beached Buoys

16) Bustin' Jieber

17) The Philadelphia Triangle Orchestra

18) Taxi Van Hailin'

19) Etude de Mondo Accordian

20) Ahh Bah

I'm sure there's more, but these are the ones we were able to find while surfing The Googler over morning coffee...


Monday, April 14, 2014

Keep Yer Udders Straight!

Man, I'm no farmer, but how hard can it possibly be to keep all those udders straight, when milking cows??

There's 1%, and 2% just for starters, never mind skim and buttermilk. Plus a variety of creams, AND powdered milk! Now that's some output talent for animals that are generally dismissed as dumb...

Are they marked? Do farmers just know after years of experience? Do the spigots have different sizes??

I tip my hat to anyone that can keep all of that sorted out - I'll continue to just enjoy the end result, from lovely cartons in supermarkets, thank you very much!!


Sunday, April 13, 2014

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger and aspiring pugilist Charlie "Thunder Wings" Chicken...)

Howdy hoomans!

Ya know, ya heers sew much about clockfightin', ah gots ta thinkin' - Charlie, why don YOU give clockfightin'  a try??


First off, them hands on clocks iz inna INSIDE, not on tha outsides, so ah figures ah could clock 'em good before they could punch back. 

Git it?? Clocks 'em!!

Har Har Har!!!


There's big money in clockfightin', so mebbe ah could live in tha style ah deserves, not haven' tah fend fer mahself with leftovers from tha humans in this coop! Ah keen, a bird kin only eat sew much Cheezies...

Although, ah does understand that sum parts of tha country frowns on clockfightin' - it may even be ill eagle in parts. 

So, keepin' this idee-ah on tha lowdown fer now - but training' already.

Know any good clockfightin' managers???

Ah floats like a buttered fry, an stings like night pee!!


Better run, ah needs ta shop fer sum boxing' gluves!!

Cluck fer now!!