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Friday, February 29, 2008

Feb. 29th? Feb. 29th???

Boy, this really bakes my cookies. An extra flippin’ day this year, that I’m going to have to duplicate so many things I thought I could let slide.

For one thing, I’ll be having an extra breakfast this morning – how’s that supposed to help my diet?? Add in the extra lunch, supper, and intermittent random snacking – yikes!! I’m going to have to see if Richard Simmons is on speed-dial. I need to sweat with an oldie!!!

Is there even TV programming for an extra day of the year? Do the networks schedule for quirks of nature like this? I’ll bet “The Price Is Right” host Drew Carey is thinking the same thing I am – I don’t get paid enough to have to absorb 24 whole extra hours in a year!!!!

Frankly, we should get some sort of rebate for this frivolous addition to the calendar. Make it a day off, so that we can maybe begin to embrace this oddball intruder into our lives. I mean, what’s that all about? A day that can only be bothered to come around once every so-and-so years? Get your act together, Leap Year!!

Ahhh, wattaya gonna do? I’ll just have to make the best of it, and pace myself through this challenge of an additional entire day and night. This extra blog alone is killin’ me! My fingers are only conditioned for 365 days of typing – not almost a whole extra year!!


Chow for now!!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

This is going to be my first-ever Leap Year blog (tomorrow morning).

Great! A whole extra day this year that I have to come up with something off the top of my head. Thanks a lot, Romans – and the calendar you rode in on!!

Chow for now…

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Turns out that even with Mrs. That Dan Guy’s blessing, getting your hands on a live mongoose is not as easy as I thought it might be.

First, I thought there might be a few at the local SPCA. No dice. They’ve got ferrets (similar, but different) rabbits, dogs and cats, but not a mongoose to be found. The young lady at their desk yesterday pretty much looked at me like I was quackers. Nuts. Bonko!

So, my next stop was the local zoo – which turns out to be very territorial about their mongooses. What, people coming to the zoo are going to notice one missing??

So as a last resort, I hit “The Source Of All Knowledge” – Wikipedia. Where I typed in “mongoose”, and discovered that in fact mongooses (rarely mongeese) CAN actually be domesticated, and even taught to do tricks. Hey, the only trick I’m interested in is having them make rattlesnakes disappear…

Speaking of rattlesnakes, MTDG had a relatively logical question the other night. Are there even rattlesnakes IN Calgary? My reply was “why take chances?” Still have her full blessing to bring home a mongoose, but considering the difficulty I’m facing – I’m beginning to wonder if she hadn’t already consulted “The Source Of All Knowledge” before I did…

One interesting thing about the mongoose – they giggle when they mate! Hey, don’t take my word for it – check it out yourselves:

Mongooses – the laughing lovers of the animal kingdom!!

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Again With The Fun “Facts” About Canada!

(Facts sold separately. Batteries not included)

Welcome back to another lesson of Canadiana. That’s a real phrase by the way, unlike much of the rest of today’s posting. All things Canadian are considered Canadiana, similar to all things Pamela Anderson are Andersoniana. I know – sounds crazy, but that’s how it works up here!

Well, enough ado, and even more than enough Gesundheit – let’s get on with our lesson:

* Canada has a mint, which produces the coins that Canadians use in day-to-day transactions. These transactions can include, but are not limited to: purchases of Starbucks coffee, purchases of McDonald’s hamburgers, and purchases of Wal-Mart retail items. Hey, aren’t those all American companies???

* Canada could not afford to jazz up its name with I, E, O,U, or even Y during confederation. Pat Sajak refused to cut Canada any slack with bonus vowels…

* This has nothing to do with Canada, but I just realized that my command of the alphabet may be in serious Jeopardy, after reviewing the order of vowels in that last statement. Hey, that’s TWO game shows I’ve mentioned so far today!!

* Canada has several cities large enough to be recognized worldwide: Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver for example. Not so much recognized worldwide: Estevan, Portage La Prairie, and Frozen Moustache…

* One of the most remarkable things about Canada, is that if you scramble the letters, you can spell “Dan Caa”. I know, sounds a lot like “danke”, eh?? Danke Schoen!!

* Famous Canadians: William Shatner, Wayne Gretzky, Celine Dion. Not-so-famous Canadian: Jim

Well, there’s another half-dozen “Fun Facts About Canada”. If it seems a bit light in the fact department, my internet was briefly down this morning for maintenance. I had to go pretty much just from memory.

Good thing it finally came back up, eh??

Chow for now!!

Monday, February 25, 2008

How about them Academy Awards last night?? Not a bad little broadcast, all things considered. With the writer’s strike settled, Bruce Vilanch (large, hairy star and writer for Hollywood Squares, and The Oscars) was able to work his “magic”, and pen jokes for the show. As were other less hairy writers.

I think considering it was a landmark broadcast (celebrating 80 years – almost as old as Joan Rivers…), the producers put a real effort into the show. Lots of historic clips, and even a long-winded honorary award winner, who was well into in his late 90’s. Boy, if Anna Nicole Smith was still alive…

No big surprises, I thought. Considering all the speculation beforehand that goes into who will win what, most winners came out as predicted. The only thing that disappointed me was not being able to see Ratatouille accept any awards in person. How can you not be free for the Academy Awards broadcast??

Hey, how about host Jon Stewart bringing out that co-winner for Best Song, who didn’t get to say her thanks? I thought that was a pretty classy move. I think they cut out showing the employees of Price Waterhouse, but it was worth it.

Well, running behind today, so I better wrap this up.

That’s a wrap!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Last night, I started to worry about rattlesnakes. This is not a good thing. The average house has so many entry points for those slithery intruders – and ours is no exception!

Truth be told, every time we open the garage door, a rattlesnake could be beetling in, fast as his little scaly underbelly could crawl across the concrete floor!

Every time I open the front door to pick up my morning paper, a rattlesnake could be tiptoeing in from the side, with me completely unawares....

But not anymore! I’ll be looking now, rattlesnakes – so be on your best behaviour! I will not tolerate a single rattler inside this home!!

Man, the more I think about it, a rattlesnake would have endless possibilities for hiding places in here. Under sofas, in the heating vents, under Mrs. That Dan Guy’s extensive and comprehensively large shoe collection…

A rattlesnake could easily crawl up our stairs, and hide under our bed, or in our closets. He could hide among the many wires that inhabit our audio/visual centre…

Why, a crafty rattlesnake could even patiently await in our bathtub, as we keep the shower curtains drawn. Imagine that – opening a shower curtain, and having a bloodthirsty rattlesnake uncoil, in a savage lunge of poisonous death!! From a freakin’ bathtub!!

I’m starting to get the willies, just thinking a bit more about this…

I wonder how much a mongoose costs???

Chow for now!!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Chicken Scratch

Greetings, feather-deprived knuckleheads!!

Ole Charlie is forgoin’ his usual mug shot, so as to share with you a little cartoon he spotted in the newspaper the other day. See above...

In the openin’ frame of the strip, beloved cartoon cat Garfield is grinnin’ one of his trademark grins.

WHILE BOILIN’ A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


So, Mr. Garfield – you find it amusin’ to imagine gnawin’ on a claw?? Well, let’s see how funny you think THIS is!!

I hereby offer a bounty. A bounty of 100 pieces of corn, to WHOEVER brings me the head of that obese tabby. My violin needs new strings, and your whiskers look to be just about the right size, you cacklin’ cannibalistic cat-brain!!


My tennis racket needs re-stringin’, and for that matter, I know a ukulele or two that could stand to refresh their music-makers. I wanna twang a tail!

Garfield, if yer readin’ this – yer days are numbered! One a my buddies will tip-toe into yer house, in the dead a the night, an’ get hisself a new fur coat. Check yer Meow Mix pal – I don’t know what we’re gonna do to it, but ya ain’t gonna like it!!


I’ve never been so outraged in my life. That really ruffles my feathers – even if I ain’t got none no more! What, ya couldn’t fit Odie inta the pot????

I’m too angry. I gotta fly – if I could I would, lemme tell ya!. Hope I calm down by next week. Hope I got a newly strung racquet ball racquet by then…


Cluck for now!!

Friday, February 22, 2008

Holy Spiced Garbonzo!

Where the heck did February go?? One minute, I’m debating whether or not to write a Valentine’s Day column this year or not, then I look at the calendar, and it’s almost flippin’ March!! (Never did write that column, for the record…)

So, with just a few days left in the second month of the new year, how can a person possibly wring as much out of it as possible, before the next month pops up on the calendar??

- Knit. Knit anything. Knitting is one of the secrets of old age. Why do you think so many seniors knit?? It slows time, I tell you!!

- Watch televised curling. You’ll slow down the passage of time so much that you’ll think you’ve got rigor mortis setting in.

- Never mind the current ongoing presidential nomination efforts – spend time watching any of the various provincial or national Canadian political endeavours. Watching a glass of Coke go flat is more invigorating.

- Update your computer operating software to Windows Vista. This won’t slow time down a bit, but your mental breakdown might get the urgency of passing days reprioritized, into wondering why all those toasters are flying around your living room…

- On a more serious note, dust off that old debut album by pop icon James Blunt. Relaxation has never sounded so good…

- Hey, here’s a simple solution: cut the last week right off of the wall calendar! How can time pass if it isn’t even connected to the calendar anymore??


Not sure if any of those will help you, but I’m going to go spin that James Blunt CD right now. I’m getting less stressed out, just thinking about that…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I really need to start diarizing my upcoming events more efficiently…

Last night, we forgot to watch for the total lunar eclipse, which was supposed to be spectacular. I love me a good lunar eclipse… We ended up being inside a mall instead, looking at totally loony paperclips. Nowhere near the same thing…

These electronic day-timers are a marvellous technological innovation, when you remember to use them. Otherwise you key in and look at blank virtual pages, where your reminder should have been. If you remembered to even look at your day-timer, to see if you did indeed enter anything. I may need to set reminders to check and see if I entered a reminder. This could end up being a vicious circle…

Well, excuse me for now, folks. I need to go look for my blogging muse, which has apparently decided to sleep in this morning …

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Every day, there is one issue that bubbles up to the top of my consciousness, and therefore appears here, as my topic du jour.

This morning, the only thing bubbling up to the top of my consciousness is that I need to go down to the kitchen, and make some toast, or I will literally die of starvation. This, even though I carry enough spare “energy” around to shame the average camel’s ability to last without sustenance. Yet I truly feel that I am just on the verge of collapse, unless I immediately gobble down some darkened, warmed bread.

With generous applications of peanut butter…

So, forgive me if I seem unfocused this morning, as the hunger pangs are stronger than normal - somewhat like the cast of “Stomp”, banging garbage can lids against the inner walls of my stomach. This must be how bears feel like, after hibernation ends.

You know, it may be prudent in the future to store some grapes or dry cereal beside my computer, so as to satiate this persistent gnawing in my abdomen. Even a dry cracker or two, with maybe just a dollop or two of peanut butter. We’re not uncivilized after all, here in the Such Is Life household…

Man, all this talk of food isn’t helping my condition any. I can’t think of anything else right now!! My keyboard looks like an ocean of liquorice, with icing on the keys. My desk looks like the most humungous chocolate bar ever created!!

Charlie just walked by with the morning paper, and I’m envisioning him with a generous covering of Shake N’ Bake

I’d better depart, before I do something drastic, stupid, or both.

Chow for now!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Well, the Academy Awards are coming up this weekend, and thanks to the writers’ strike being settled, should feature all the razzle-dazzle typically associated the broadcast.

I’m feeling a bit psychic this morning, and would like to make a few predictions about some of the big winners. These are guarantees, folks! Call your Vegas bookie, and prepare to retire wealthier than a junior Trump!!

Best Actress:

Hillary Swank should snag this one, for her work in Million Dollar Baby. I’m pretty confident on this one…

Best Actor:

You can bet Grandma’s dentures that Jamie Foxx will pick up this year’s trophy, for his marvellous portrayal of Ray Charles, in the biopic Ray. He’s so spooky good, you can almost envision him picking up a real singing career, after all is said and done…

Best Movie Not Nominated:

That Will Ferrell is freakin’ hilarious!!!!!

Best Appearance of French Fries In A Scene:

The Sopranos, Episode 27. OK, technically this might be my first big stretch, seeing as how the Sopranos isn’t technically a theatrical release. I’d still bet on it.

Best Director:

Clint Eastwood, for Million Dollar Baby. Man, this film could scoop a few trophies this year. It’s the female Rocky of our era!!

Best Use Of “Ecru” In Set Design:

What the hell: Million Dollar Baby

Best Picture:

Here, I must admit to being torn. Conventional wisdom leans towards Million Dollar Baby, but I just can’t quit thinking about Elf. Go with “The Baby”, to be on the safe side….

That’s it folks! When you cash in your winning bets, remember That Dan Guy!!

Chow for now!!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Today is some sort of scattered Canadian holiday – “Family Day” here in Alberta, and “Louis Riel Day” in Manitoba. At least those are the two that I’m aware of. Mrs. That Dan Guy doesn’t recognize today’s holiday, and is busily preparing to head off to work. I’m preparing to enjoy “Stay In My Pyjamas & Housecoat Day”, which is eerily similar to every other day of the week around here…

Actually, I kid. I’m preparing to hop into the shower myself, as one of my volunteer positions falls onto today. Would have been a much better day to stay under the covers and sleep until noon (which I NEVER do, seriously), but duty calls….

So, if I’m not mistaken, it’s President’s Day down across the American border. I’m never sure about these more obscure holidays. I do believe that most folks in the U.S. shop for linens at local malls today, but maybe not so much if they live in places like Washington state, or Lincoln, Nebraska. Those sound like very presidential places to me, with possibly less frantic linen shopping.

Linen. Bedding. Back to bed…

Hey, we ended up watching the British Academy Awards last night. A briefer version of the North American counterpart, with funnier accents. Not a bad show, all things considered, although they all started to sound like Harry Potter after awhile.

Chow for now!!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

And we’re back…

After getting the hook from a chicken every Saturday, I feel like I have to play catch-up on the Sunday following.

So, here’s the (belated) scoops du jour:

Friday night on The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno, I tuned in to watch Russell Peters, a talented Canadian stand-up comic, who is exploding world-wide right now. You know, I should say that I mean he’s becoming very popular. Exploding is probably not the best describer in these current times we live in…

At any rate, he was great, and pulled off a hilarious set. But prior to his appearance, Jay was taking questions from the studio audience, and front and centre, there was a guy wearing a Calgary Flames' jersey! Of all the people to zero in on – a Calgary Flames' fan. Go figure. What a small world it truly is…

More fascinating than that, we watched Las Vegas, the delightful series. And as we’re watching, there’s a storyline unfolding where Montecito Casino owner Tom “Moustache” Selleck is apparently killed in a plane crash. And who do they bring in to sing at the funeral??

JAMES BLUNT!! That’s right, and all capitalized for impact: JAMES BLUNT!

He shows a humble sense of self-deprecating humour with his one spoken line, then launches into one of the hits off of his latest album. TV magic! 25 years, from now, this will be like that finale of Newhart, where Bob wakes up next to Emily…

There is hope yet, for the boob tube…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Chicken Scratch


Well, howdie-do, my mammalian amigos! Charlie’s just enjoyin’ a nice bubble bath, after a rewardin’ an’ fruitful Valentine’s Day…


Yeah, the ole pinfeathers needed a bit o’ TLC, after I entertained a little Cornish Game Hen on the 14th, and boy – was she game – if ya get my drift!


Now, I can tell ya wanna ask, but yer too shy – so I’ll just go ahead an’ tell ya: “Charlie, how do ya pull off a successful Valentine’s Day, guaranteed to be magical and…rewardin’?”

Well, this is how it is:

First, ya need some good mood music. Not some crap by one a them froo-froo boy band goobers! Sumthin’ classic – like Barry White, or REO Speedwagon…

Second, ya need to set tha mood. Spread crap like rose pedals around – chicks dig that! And for the love a Pete, hold off on bringin’ out toys, until ya know ya got things in the bag!!


Next, ya need booze. Loads a booze, or at least wine that has a alcohol content higher than a Dr. Pepper. I prefer Claws N Beaks Cellar Chardonnay myself, and I ain’t had no complaints from my lady friends…

A nice touch (that ALWAYS works for me, but remember kiddies – I’m a professional!) is a warm bottle of Professor Feathers’ Pinfeather Massage Oil – to soothe the savage beak, as I always say.

Remember though, this comes later in the evenin’ – it can put a crimp in thing s if ya start with offerin’ a massage… an yer droolin’….


Well, that’s summa my tips. I ain’t givin’ away the farm, so be a man! Improvise! Summon your inner clucker!

Cluck for now!!

Friday, February 15, 2008

After the 50th Annual Grammy Awards broadcast, I ran right out and bought a copy of Herbie Hancock’s “Album Of The Year” – River, The Joni Letters.

OK, technically I may have waited a day or two…

Alright, alright, so it was a week! Who tracks this stuff anyway????

The point is, I picked up what took home the top trophy for best recording last year. And in the process, I believe I discovered a massive Grammy voter conspiracy – they were all kidding!!

Now, I should preface this pending rant with a short comment on how much a fan I am of Mr. Hancock. His last album, Possibilities, was stellar. Astounding. Lush and delightful. This one, the one that won “Album Of The Year”, is not. Not ANY of those things. Frankly, it would have to get jolted with a cattle prod to elevate above “dull as a funeral dirge…”

The album is absolutely lifeless. Everyone sounds like they’ve been hit with elephant tranquilizers. Tina Turner – so understated you’d think she was on sleeping pills, and maybe even sleeping for that matter. Four of the tracks sound exactly the same, like elevator Muzak that’s been harpooned with elephant tranquilizer. Hell, I’d say that a harpooned elephant sounds like it’s sitting on the damn thing…

Even the seductively effervescent and charming Corinne Bailey Rae can’t bring life to the most beautiful song in the world, River, which makes one WANT to be harpooned with elephant tranquilizers…

What a bummer….

Replies to comments will be a bit behind this morning folks – off first thing for my regular quarterly early morning diabetes blood-work. If I need to calm myself down, I’ll pop this CD into my i-Pod…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Happy Valentines Day!!


Do NOT Read Today’s blog, if you don’t want to learn the well-kept secret identity of the Deal Or No Deal banker.

You’ve been warned…

Alright, if you’ve stayed this far, you can only blame yourself if this information crushes and exposes this long-kept secret.

The Deal Or No Deal banker is…..

Academy Award nominated actor Liam Neeson!

That’s right, just look at that Oskar Schindler profile. It has to be him. Plus, what the hell else has he been in lately? Big shot Hollywood actors have bills, just like the rest of us (although rather than health insurance and mortgage payments, they’re up-keeping Lear jets and caviar farms). So why wouldn’t he get behind a disguise, and keep the old cash flow going?

Liam Neeson – Deal Or No Deal banker. You heard it here first….

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

(Yet Even More) Fun Facts About Canada

(assuming “fact” to be somewhat loosey-goosey in the accuracy department)

Welcome to yet another instalment of my outreach program to the rest of the world, offering insights and observations of “The Great White North” – Canada…

* The national symbol of Canada is the beaver. That’s right, a hairy, buck-toothed rodent tree-eater was the best symbol we could come up with. Hardly the majestic eagle that symbolizes the United States, but probably way better than our second choice, the mosquito…

* Canada is home to the world-famous Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Which I believe I’ve already mentioned in a past Fun Facts episode, but we’re awfully proud of them, so live with it…
* Canada shares the rugged Rocky Mountain range with the United States. We are in talks to move them a bit more to the middle of Canada, as Alberta and British Columbia have enjoyed them far too long already.

* Canada ran out of good names for cities much sooner than the United States did, which is why you’ll find places like Moose Jaw, Red Deer (???), and Kumquat on a Canadian map…

* Canada has a wide range of directions, such as North, South, East and West. Not to mention the exotic ones, like Northwest. We named a mounted police force after that one! (Not all of our police forces are mounted, despite those two examples…)

* We’ve personally seen a live beaver here in Calgary, igniting a spontaneous moment of pride in our national symbol. Until he passed gas, and we had to move along. Beaver toots are brutal, dude…

* Canada is home of some of the Great Lakes. And many Not-So-Great Lakes…
* Canada’s national anthem is “O Canada”, which is just before “P Diddy” in the dictionary…
* Canada needs a haircut.

That’s all for today, kiddies! Hope you learned something new, in today’s instalment…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Hey, does anyone else out there remember Michael Jackson?? He was kind-of a big deal back in the 80’s – big hits, huge record sales, an evolutionary nose…

I think he even had some success before that, with a band of some sort. Maybe it was something with family members? At any rate, what’s he been up to since then? Does he still record?

Wait a minute… He had a gimmick too, now that I think about it. He walked backwards, in an astronaut sort-of way. What the heck did he call that?? Backwards Astronaut Walk??? He did it in sneakers, if I remember correctly.

Wait another minute!! The mists of time are clearing – he wore like a marching band costume, and one white glove! It’s starting to become clearer. He was like the white glove cleanliness tester sergeant in the army, just with a gaudier costume. And greasy curls of hair.

Hey, didn’t he accidentally set himself on fire for a video once??

You know, the more I remember, the weirder this Jackson character is seeming to appear. The next thing you know, I’ll begin to fabricate scandals he may have been involved in, over the years.


Beat it!

Chow for now!!

Monday, February 11, 2008


Amy Winehouse Rules! The British Invasion continues, here in 2008 – with a beehive hairdo!!

(Wow. That’s a new record, even for me – exclamation marks on EVERY sentence up there…)

Anyhoo – the point I was trying to make is that while we may have been rooting for fellow Canuck Feist, that album of Winehouse’s was one of our favourites from last year. Sure, there were other good ones as well, but we wore those MP3 tracks out, over the past 12 months.

And, there’s something wickedly enjoyable about watching a performance by an artist briefly released from rehab, just long enough to sing about it. Plus, who didn’t feel just a bit more warmth in their hearts, as she thanked her incarcerated husband? Magical, just magical…

Hey, does everyone know that I’m talking about the 50th Annual Grammy Awards broadcast last night?

One of the better ones, in our books. Great performances, and a wide variety of musical styles, rather than concentrating on the crap they usually dedicate 4 hours to. I still find however that some of the awards presented are a bit unnecessary, compared to many of the others that are ignored, and simply scrolled across the screen as “presented earlier this evening”. But, that is just our humble opinion. There are probably viewers that tune in specifically for “Best Stereo Recording Of A Beat-Box Beat, Looping Over Scratchin’ Records And Muffled Microphone Noises That Barely Resemble Vocal Tracks”…

Amy, you go girl! Back to rehab maybe, but with FIVE Grammies to help brighten up the décor…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, February 10, 2008

I don’t know why, but the last few days, I’ve really been missing Halloween. Makes no sense, but I think I could get into dressing up as a pirate, and going door-to-door trick or treating for candy. I’m sure the urge will pass, but until then, it is a bloody pain to try typing with a hook on one hand, and wearing an eye-patch.


Well, at least I’ve got Easter, or something like that coming up to distract me. Mrs. That Dan Guy will get into that Little Bo Peep outfit of hers, and hide eggs all throughout the house, which I will happily hunt around for.

Too bad there aren’t any other special days coming up sooner, though. Christmas is waaaaay down the road, and Arbour Day seems like it’s NEVER going to come! February is just a barren, special-day-free month, dedicated to snow and wind chills.

Bah Humbug!!

Chow for now!!

Saturday, February 09, 2008

Chicken Scratch

Say, wuz up, my fleshy friends? Cornelius here today, layin’ down a few grooves before my little set tonight at the local Dairy Queen. Charlie appears to be MIA – that’s code for “hungover”…

Buk-Buk-Buk…Buk-AAAWK, Baby!!!!

Yeah, I got myself a little three-piece jazz band, which doesn’t sound like much, I know. But the accordion player fills in a lot of the gaps, and you ain’t lived till ya heard jazz bagpipes! Eat your hearts out, Diana Krall!

Hey, who said I looked like I was doin’ sumtin’ inappropriate to ma jazz gee-tar? Get yer smooth-skinned mind outta the gutter, and embrace the power of a poultry pluckin’!!! Pluckin’ strings, I mean ta say! It ain’t right, ta disrobe a chicken the other way!!


So, what songs do we play in these informal little neighbourhood gigs? Mostly the jazz classics – Michael Buble, Norah Jones, and a bitta Kilometres Davis (that’s Canadian for “Miles” Davis, darlin’…)

Well, I hate to cut my time short here, but we still have to sort out the arrangement to “Wingin’ It”, one of the improvisation greats. And a bit ironic when a customer orders a side of wings, while we’re playin’…

Cluck for now!!

Friday, February 08, 2008

We currently have no pets. No dogs, no cats – not even a goldfish or a budgie. As active as those rubber chickens are around here, they don’t really qualify as “live” pets.

So, what would we have, if we decided to go ahead with pets?

Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy has always been partial to chimpanzees. She’d adopt a chimpanzee in a New York minute. She’d even adopt one in a Saskatoon minute, but that is beside the point.

However, whenever we consider bringing home a chimp, we remember how well that worked out for Wacko Jacko (Michael Jackson), and the idea goes back on ice…

I’ve always thought it would be cool to have a kangaroo hoppin’ around the house, but we have relatively low ceilings in this latest residence, and I don’t think I could stand up to the PETA scrutiny if I was constantly calling emergency for Kangaroo concussions…

During the summer, it could be handy to have an anteater around the yard, to police the local ant population, for whilst I suntan and lounge around the yard (only briefly, Sweetheart – a man needs to recharge his creative juices, eh?).

But, I suppose a big-nosed anteater isn’t the best possible choice for a pet. I imagine he’d snore up a storm, if he ever crawled into bed with us, he and his humongous honker…

Say, we spend enough time around here with rubber chickens, why not some real ones? They’d sure to cheep (pun intended) to keep – just feeding them some unpopped popcorn kernels, and lettuce once in a while – for a treat.

Hmmm. May have to put some serious thought to that scenario. We’d get fresh eggs, and milk too, I think. Plus, whenever the little cluckers wear out, or get too old, we’ll be mixin’ up some batter, and havin’ us some tasty treats, along with Spuddy!

This idea has much merit…

Chow for now! (And later…)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Hi folks!

Spuddy here, to offer some counter-points to what Cranky Magoo was griping about yesterday, disparaging my potato brothers and sisters…

First off, how do you like my new hammock? Mr. Anti-Potato gave it to me yesterday, so maybe he isn’t just a big, hairless jerk after all!

Now, let’s set the record straight by saying potatoes are one of the most versatile products you’ll ever see! We’ve been loved for centuries, especially by the Irish. Why, there are some places where we are even worshipped! That’s right, worshipped. Mash that, ya big lug!!!

Now, for one thing, potatoes are almost as ethnically diverse as humans. You’ve got white potatoes, red potatoes…well, maybe that’s about it, but we aren’t one-dimensional, like carrots. Would you eat a white carrot? I didn’t think so…

For another thing, potatoes are one of the world’s favourite side dishes. You can have us baked, boiled, scalloped, mashed, and even whipped. Ooooh…hee hee…whipped. How naughty!!

The point is, rather than painting us all with the same “they’re lumpy and have too many eyes” brush, Captain Crankypants should be celebrating our diversity. We’re one of the world’s favourite side dishes.

Did I already say that??

Well, all I wanted to do was set the record straight. It must have worked, because I just got word that The Potato Griper has just drawn a nice warm bath for me. Perfect timing too, my eyes are just throbbing today!!

Potatoes Rock!!!!!!

(Editor's Note: Chow for now…chow for later…)

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

When you stop to think about it, potatoes are a rather unpleasant looking vegetable…

Sure, some of them can be smooth and soft, but most often your average potato is misshapen, loaded with protruding blind eyes, and after a while frankly – a little pungent…

Carrots are fresh, and smooth – at least the ones you buy in cello packs at the grocery store. No wonder rabbits are crazy over them – they’re tast-errific!!

Fresh snow peas are dainty, and demure, covered in little green jackets – they’re the green bananas of the vegetable world. But the potato…

A potato looks like the fat kid that you used to punch in elementary school, just for the heck of it. A potato looks like a morbidly obese raisin on steroids. And that’s when it’s fresh! Once one of those starch bombs has been lying around in your pantry long enough, it’ll start to grow more whiskers than a sea otter! Parts of it will get soft, and start to shrivel, often seeping potato juice – I think maybe those eyes are capable of crying!!

But the stink – man, when those lumbering vegetables start to turn, even the canned goods start to knock on the pantry door, asking for a pardon - hoping to vacate the proximity of a dying potato…

Now potato chips, on the other hand – there’s a delight that doesn’t turn on you. A potato chip can come in a dizzying array of flavours and shapes. A potato chip can transport delicious dip right up to your taste buds. A potato chip, is a noble thing.

Potatoes, not so much…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Indications You MAY Be Running Windows’ Vista Operating Software…

- The programs that worked well on every computer you’ve had since puberty now give out more error messages than a junior high math quiz…

- The simplest processes are now more laborious than working in a Chilean coal mine…

- You often find yourself wondering if it might be easier to insert your skull through the intricate little meshing of your metal garbage can, than it is to get through five minutes without encountering some new Microsoft “gremlin”…

- There are many moments in your computing day when you wonder if the software program you are working with was invented by Chihuahuas with severe head trauma injuries…

- You long for the days when fancy desktop graphics were no substitute for A SYSTEM THAT ACTUALLY DID WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!!!!!

- You find yourself chuckling softly that a company would launch a product that doesn’t even work with its own complementary product lines…

- You wish to God that the coin you had flipped when you went to buy your new computer had landed on heads (Apple), and NOT tails (PC)…

- You have several MacGyver moments, where you’re pretty sure you can fabricate a more effective software program with shaving cream, dry macaroni, and a 9-volt battery…


Chow for now!!

Monday, February 04, 2008

Hey, how about those New York Giants yesterday? Talk about your nail-biter Super Bowl!!

OK, I should probably just fess up and admit that we only caught the Half Time show (to preview the Tom Petty concert experience we’ll be catching live and in person later this year here - thanks to a timely piece of advice), AND the last 2:40 seconds, where the entire game turned for the Giants. We had also hoped to wind the PVR back to see the American commercials, but I had flipped to another channel briefly, which wipes out the memory. Not the brightest thing to do at that particular time…

But what was amazing to us had to be that dramatic and determined trek downfield to score, which ultimately stuck, and won New York the Stanley Cup. Or the World Cup. No, I’m pretty sure it must have been the Super Bowl…why else would they mention that throughout the whole show??

Aside from that broadcast, we also happened to catch a delightful movie With Rowan Atkinson, called “Keeping Mum”, or something like that. Hadn’t heard of it before we watched it, but can’t recommend it highly enough. A total hoot!

And, today marks the second day in a row I’ve managed to tap out a posting, without once mentioning those pluckin' chickens, here in the house.

Aw, RATS!@!#!*!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, February 03, 2008

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been extremely remiss in my NHL contributions. Completely remiss might be more accurate.

But today, I hope to redeem myself. Mrs. That Dan Guy and I attended our first Flames home game last night – and thanks to CBC, it was one we won’t forget anytime soon. We had backstage access to the taping of Hockey Night In Canada!!

It was like being a kid in a candy store, but even better than candy – there was pro hockey!

We’ve been in The Saddledome before, but the atmosphere of a Flames home game is completely off the hook: flashing lights, rockin' music, and a real-live pyrotechnic display.

Of course, I am a bit on the slow side when it comes to subtle NHL hoopla. Prior to the game starting, and whenever The Flames scored a goal (once last night, sadly) these giant flames shoot up from beside the scoreboard. I needed it to happen a second time before I made the connection with the home team… Duh!!

At any rate, we started watching the game, and then our cordial tour guide stopped by, and took us out for the go-round. First stop, walking across the catwalk that leads up to the broadcast booths, over centre ice.

Now, I wouldn’t even begin to dream of embarrassing MTDG by recounting how her knees knocked even when crossing the fake foot bridge into Walt Disney World’s Tom Sawyer Island, but we’ve joked before about how she’d have a go of it trying to walk across this catwalk, yet she did a marvellous job. It only took three of us to pry her hands loose from the gate…

Once in the booths, we had an awesome view of the action, and the broadcasters calling the game (CBC – fine gentlemen – that’s, for all things CBC…) I got some incredible pictures – one in particular of Kipper guarding his crease. Très cool!! I'll try posting more photos later.

From the bird’s nest, we were then escorted past the most important part of an NHL arena game night staple – the catacombs where the massive distribution centre for beer is held behind a locked gate. It is a sight to behold…

We passed that on the way to the broadcast trailer, where the directors and associates switch all the action from the cameras, to what we see on the TV screen at home. For those of you that were stuck at home, and not in The Saddledome… That was about the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. At least a dozen different cameras, all jockeying for the best shot to broadcast. It was like being in the control room of the Murphy Brown set…

The only downside of our evening was that Calgary, playing the Stars, ended up losing. Oh, they knocked in a tying goal late in the game, but it was ruled “no-goal” after Turco kicked the net off its moorings, likely due to a Charlie horse, or pressure from the Flames offense. I can’t prove that, but from where we were sitting, I would’ve gone upstairs to view the video. Oh, wait a minute, we WERE upstairs!!

Special thanks to CBC Affiliate Relations for making this happen. What a way to see our first NHL game in Cowtown!!

Chow for now!!

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Chicken Scratch

Ooooh….my achin’ noggin….

Cornelius and I hit the Poultry Plaza Pub last night, for a hearty round o’ Karaoke. I don’t know what’s makin’ my brain hurt more – enough beers to paralyze a poodle, or hollerin’ my lungs out ta Sammy Hagar hits…


From what I can recall (and it ain’t much, I’ll admit), we knocked ‘em cluckin’ dead! AC-DC, Aerosmith, and I think we even covered a John Denver song. Like I sez, it’s all pretty fuzzy this mornin’ – like a newborn chick.

What I do remember is the roar of the crowd. Those 6 people were goin’ pluckin’ crazy for us! Corny and I should take this act on the road!! We could call it “Beakin’ Off!!”

Ya need the exclamation marks to show how tough we are…


I hadda feelin’ whenever I sung in the shower, I was gold, but now I know fer sure. Where’s that cluckin’ David Foster when ya need him? He coulda signed the next Michael Bublé, or Justine Tinglelake last night! Cornelius said I sounded just like Rod Stewart, in the ‘80’s!!


Of course, I had to carry that crazy-haired chicken all by myself. He may be musical at his other end, but his chicken lips couldn’t carry a tune in a briefcase! Ah, I’m probably being too hard on him. He can be my Pip, or Ikette, or whatever his little heart desires.

Hey, instead a “Beakin’ Off!!”, maybe we should call ourselves “Giblet & The Drumstick”??? That’s pretty cluckin’ cool…


I need a coupla Tylenol. Out, losers…

Cluck for now!!

Friday, February 01, 2008

You know, we could possibly live in the only household where there are just as many rubber chickens as there are human beings…

Further to that, these rubber chickens aren’t all that inanimate. Every day, and I do mean EVERY day, one of them is up to something, here in the Such Is Life household. You might find one snorkelling in the bathtub one morning, or peeking out from a curio the next. They get around, these wacky birds…

All of which might rightly prompt the question: “Are these people nuts?” Maybe. Only time will tell. Or our therapists.

In other news, I think this Writer’s Guild strike has officially caught up to Prime Time television schedules. All the shows we used to enjoy are in repeat mode. Of course, there are the various reality shows and American Idol left, but we will continue to pass on those endeavours. Even couch potatoes have their pride… I for one don’t really care to watch that awkward Trump hairpiece wobble around on his puffy old head.

Viva la Movie Channel!

Chow for now!!