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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Aye Caramba!

Or, should I say “hola”?

Yesterday I Tweeted a gag on Vincent Van Gogh’s favourite song, without any knowledge that it was actually his birthday! What are the odds of diong something like that – a few billion to one? Insane…

It was actually conceived after an e-mail exchange with my sister, yet somehow serendipitously got posted on the famed artist’s birthday. You just can’t plan for stuff like that.

Well, I imagine if one was inclined to actually research and plan their writing efforts, maybe the odds would be a lot closer. That’s something you can certainly rely on rarely happening in this space!

Chow for now…

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I’m pretty sure I saw a puddy tat.


No, wait…that was Sylvester…

I did not see a puddy tat…

Chow for now.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

I’ve been relatively fortunate over the years here, with respect to spammers. Considering the locations of my audience from Google Analytics, I would expect it to be to a lot worse.

The last couple of days, a group of online casinos (probably all the same virtual owner) have been posting comments, almost making some small degree of sense relative to the actual blog post. But not really, so I’ve taken them down, which is really easy now with the Comments section feature. You can not only remove unwanted comments with no trace that they ever existed, you can mark them as spammers at the same time.

It is a delight. Not so much for the spammers, but certainly for myself, and my readers in Belarus. No ruse here!!

Chow for now…

Monday, March 28, 2011

I understand that blogs are somewhat passé these days, abandoned in droves for the micro-blogs of the Twitter world. Which would make perfect sense, as I have now linked almost everything I do online here now, instead of back over at my old main traditional website (which I really should reactivate…). Just in time for readers to have abandoned ship – excellent!

Oh well, at least I Tweet, so hopefully there will continue to be a few dinosaurs like myself that continue to visit old-fashioned blog sites like these. The social media sphere is a fickle place, which is why I’m trying a bit of everything these days. Like that fertilizing fly food that you fling at a wall, something has to eventually stick. Or stink…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

In America (the U.S. of A.), if a politician were to be found in contempt of the very system they proclaimed to stand for, they would likely face some sort of sanctions, be asked to step down and hastily hustled off into the hinterlands, or be impeached.

In Canada, if you are found to be in contempt of parliament, you get a mulligan. The government is dissolved, and an election is called. The hope is that you will simply surf back into power, having pressed the reset button. Taa-dah!! I'm ba-ack!!

Well, I for one hope that the current regime has pressed the ejection seat button, and that they get formally invited by the people of Canada to explore the hinterlands. Let’s get the next batch of liars and promise breakers in, and see what they might do differently…

Chow for now!

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger, and fashionista Charlie Chicken..)

Howdy hoomans!!


Check out ma new threads, Peeps – a fancy para "dee-zyner" jeans, left at tha door yesterday. Someone obviously recognizes wut a glamour-puss I iz!!


Acid-wash, I suspeck. Ya see these brands on them Calvin Climb models inna magazines all tha time! And now on ole Charlie…

I may hafta head ta tha mall, ta strut ma pinfeathers. Tha chicks dig this sorta stuff. Makes a manly man look even manlier…


I gotta pick up a copy of that new CD anyway, with tha hit “Friday” song – I wish I wuz as good a songwriter az that lady iz. She’s given The Beeb a run fer his money!


I oughta cum up with a song about my new jeans – “New Pants, New Pants, Ha Ha Ha”, or sumthin like that. Mebbe sumthin that actually rimes wood be better…

OK, I’m off ta tha mall – I can workon my song lee-ricks while I’m drivin an text them back to myself…

Cluck fer now!!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Thank God, It’s Fry Day!!

Yessir, this is the one day of the week that I am allowed to indulge in French fries, thanks to that old classic saying about the tasty fast food delight.

I often wonder how these old sayings come about, and if it would have actually been better named if it were “Fries Day” – but who am I to quibble?

Hello Ronald; Well howdy there A & W; Buenos Nachos Burger King – I will have a small order of your freshly deep-fried potatoey things!! Salt them suckers up while you're at it!


Thank God for Fry Day….

Chow for now!

(chow down...)

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I think I might have wickets - you know, that disease you get when you’re out at sea without fruit.

I haven’t technically been to sea lately per se, but I did have a bubble bath last night, and didn’t have any fruit at all while I was sunken in the suds. I suppose I could have grabbed an apple on my way in, but who can think about all those sorts of logistical concerns – I just wanted to unwind among bubbles…

Now, I’m covered in wickets. I think. It could also just be that I need to put some lotion on my skin.

Maybe I’ll try that, before I make a doctor’s appointment…

Chow for now.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

If I could only have one TV show to watch it would have to be, hands down, no contest Showtime’s “Shameless” (yeah, that’s right - we get big-time American programs here in Canada..). Still working through the first season, what a joy ride!

Admittedly not for EVERY taste, the rough-and-tumble adventures of the Gallagher family are like a freakin’ rollercoaster – hilarious one moment, exhausting the next. For such outlandish characters, you can actually see real life through their eyes, unless you’ve perhaps lived a life untainted by anything other than roses and sunshine. If you thought Three’s Company was risqué, you may want to pass on this show…

Of course, how bad can it be, when the talents of William H. Macy are on display, and Emmy Rossum creates a character country miles away from her cherubic Christine in the film version of “The Phantom Of The Opera”??

Like the recently departed and profoundly entertaining “Saving Grace”, “Shameless” is a refuge from the schlock that passes for network television these days. Catch an episode, and let me know if you agree…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Nat King Cole was a merry old soul

And a merry old soul was he;
He called for his band, and for a drum roll
And he called for his Fiddlers Three.
Every fiddler had to piddle,
But it was show-time, so no go!
Oh there's none so rare, as can compare
With Nat King Cole and his Fiddlers Three!

Chow for now!!

Monday, March 21, 2011

What does that old saying “till the cows come home” mean, really?

Why would you put off doing something just because your cows are out and about? Why did you let them go out in the first place? If they’re teenage cows, you need to have more rules, I think. If they’re old cows, let ‘em go I say – they ought to know well enough when to come back home.

You frankly need to show your cows who’s the boss (that you are in fact the person in charge, not episodes of the old Tony Danza TV show…). I guess we also need to be honest about what may have happened to make them go out in the first place…how are things at home with you and your cows??

Chow for now…

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Ah yes, springtime in Canada – the below-zero temperatures, the fresh snow covering several inches of the ground – why, it’s downright balmy! Where’s my hammock???

Is that a frozen robin I see, on the branch over there? Could be a magpie, hard to tell with the coating of ice…

Guess my tomatoes are goners, having been foolish enough to leave them outside on the patio overnight.

Oh-oh…speaking of that…has anyone seen Sparky??

Oh my…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Chicken Scratch

(posted by a wolfen guest blogger, Charlie “Howlin’” Chicken…)



I thinks I’m turnin’ inta a where wolf! Can ya see tha hair sproutin’ from my poultry bumps??



Yessir, I’m like that dude in the Trilite movies, that’s more wolf than actor. I’m a powerful beast a prey, with no mercy fer hoomans. Unless they got some Alpo fer where wolves…



Thas right, folks – tha power uv tha full moon has overtaken my gentle demeanour, and awakened tha beast inside, tha beast that craves hooman blood – or mebbe a coupla doughnuts.

Tremble in yer boots, peeples of tha world – tremble I tell ya!! I am unable ta control tha forces that inhabit ma body. I’m also unable ta control my bladder apparently – I really gotsta pee rite now…

Well, I suppose I can terrorize hoomanity later, I see one uv them local jackrabbits by the bushes, so I better make chase (after I use the little chicken’s room)…



Cluck fer now.

Friday, March 18, 2011


As of this morning, officially surpassed 2000 downloads of my audio interview series!! (or just click on the photo collage above)

Author Will Ferguson, actor Jamie Farr, cartoonists Chuckle Bros., and author/screenwriter W. Bruce Cameron tied for first place. Listeners coast-to-coast in North America, plus downloads in Japan, U.K., and China.

Chow for now!!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Almost forgot (scroll down to read actual post made earlier this morning)

Happy Anniversary, Such Is Life!

Here's the first post from 2006:

Chow (until you read the following post) for now...
Cn I mke n entire post without using the first letter of the lphbet?

Probbly, but it will sure look wcky!

I cn see why Wheel Of Fortune gets so mny of those letters clled. Very useful in mny words…

One thing I sure won’t be ble to use, the bbrevition for lcoholics nonymous!

Or tht orgniztion for utomobiles, tht rescues them on the rodside…

Hee Hee! I’m sure giving Spellcheck grief with this bit…

Not to mention nyone trying to red this…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Have you ever looked at a new Word doc, and wondered what was behind the fresh white page? On my computer, there’s a blue background, but I can’t quite make out what’s behind the page…

There’s a shadow, over to the right, so it really just seems to reinforce that there IS something behind the page. Maybe more pages? Maybe a duck?

Maybe a babbling brook, teeming with wildlife, bathing beauties, and Grizzly Adams?

Not sure how all that would fit behind there, but it sure is on my list of suspects…

Chow for now.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Steve Martin

Rare Bird Alert

Most vivid dream in a looooong time last night, and the first one I’ve remembered in quite some time as well…

Details are sketchier now that I’m awake, but in a nutshell, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I joined her sister and hubby from the “Hood”, on a Thanksgiving vacation to Steve Martin’s farm. Yes, Steve Martin, the banjo-playing actor and comedian. Turns out the in-laws knew him and his family, and finagled us an invite along with them.

Nice spread by the way – the Martin farm…

However, Mr. Martin was entirely indifferent to me, even though I tried explaining to him that I was a huge fan, and had even recently written to his record company to try and acquire a review copy of his new CD – “Rare Bird Alert” with his bluegrass banjo band (true story BTW – available in stores this week!! And don’t forget to catch him on Letterman Wednesday!).

Anyhow, while wandering around some of his farm’s outbuildings, I managed to find a big pile of…well…there’s no pretty way to say this, but – manure. Coming as no big surprise to Mrs. That Dan Guy, I somehow managed to end up coming into contract with said manure, causing her much embarrassment.

That’s about the time I woke up.

Wonder what it all means??

Chow for now!!

Monday, March 14, 2011

The Big Yawn

Read a piece in the paper a day or so by yet another entertainment writer, sniveling about what he referred to as anthemic songs. In a nutshell, his soapbox was covered with spittle over artists and songs he felt are vastly overplayed, over-rated, and entirely unnecessary. I think the spark for his piece was the latest single from Lady Gaga “Born This Way”, and he blasted songs from the past few decades including “I Will Survive”, “Greatest Love Of All”, and others similar (as in NOT recorded by some unknown indie artist only he and twelve other people worship).

At any rate, it gets a bit tiresome after awhile, all these “experts” blathering on about songs we need to be protected from. The problem is, most of the songs he referred to have sold multiple millions of copies, and the artists (for the most part, rehab stays excluded) have sold out arenas and stadiums to adoring fans since releasing many of the aforementioned songs.

Here’s my humble philosophy on this – taste is subjective, opinions don’t seem to be. Most critics feel that mass appeal is a symptom of poor taste, and therefore endeavour to shield us all from these offensive performers.

Really? Let’s put it this way – even the worst bubble gum music from the 1960’s STILL finds airplay somewhere. Yet have you seen a review from the 60’s anywhere? We all still remember the Gloria Gaynor hit “I Will Survive”, but are newspapers and websites ANYWHERE still running poor reviews of the song?

If someone can sell 20, 000,000 copies of a song, and sell out a 20,000 seat arena, I’ll listen to the critics when they can do the same thing with one of their reviews.

'Nuff said…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Whack-a-do, Whack-a-do, Whack-a-do-do-do.

Chow for now…

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Random (Chicken) Thoughts

Don’t buy me no brush fer my birthday, I already gotsa comb!!


Sure, mebbe ya got “goosed” in tha past, but ya ain’t lived till ya been “chickened”…


Gotta get out this weekend, I bin feelin’ cooped up lately…

(Hee Hee Hee…)


I only work one day a week – itsa claws in my contract…


I’m gonna donate my lips ta sigh-ence wen I pass on – so they can use ‘em inna lab as beakers!!

(Har Har Har…here all week folks, try the chicken feed…)


I gotta new Twitter account. Thinkin’ a callin’ it “Chicken-@!#* My Dad Says”…


Omigod I’m funny – so funny I could just cackle…mebbe I should find a open mike nite somewhere.

Cluck fer now!

Friday, March 11, 2011

If I Were A Carpenter (My Bookshelf Wouldn’t Look Like A Triangle…)

Chow for now….

Thursday, March 10, 2011

New information out regarding quantity of wood woodchucks capable of chucking.
Variants include size and age of each woodchuck, size of wood chucked, and prevailing weather conditions.
Also factored into equation: altitude, density (forest versus flat open space), fitness regimens, steroid use, specialized training, and variable of termite infestations.
Charting variants per capita, grouped by ages, best guess is a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as comparably-sized woodchucking mammals.
Now you know...
Chow for now!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Darkness Comes At Night

Chapter Four

Chester dropped his cigarette to the ground, absent-mindedly grinding out any lingering hot cherry. As he was snuffing out the smoke, he realized he had just lit the thing. Maybe it was time to start focusing a little bit more.

Standing just outside the shadow of the streetlamp, Chester blended into the beigeness of the sidewalk’s concrete. After two hours of standing in the shadows, without clients to observe, he questioned his motives – was it really supposed to be Tuesday night, or Thursday – the damn days just look so much alike on the calendar…

Determining his skulking to be a misguided effort, Chester adjusted his hat, took off the listening device cleverly concealed as a Sony Walkman – and wandered up to his favourite late-nite coffee shop. The Bottomless Cup was closed however, legal notations posted on the glass window. Seems they had fallen into rent arrears somehow. Chester grumbled, and started down the sidewalk towards his studio apartment.

Just a few feet from the coffee shop, gunshots rang out – close enough to merit his investigation.

Close enough, had he not come to his stakeout unarmed. Taking a wide circle away from the direction of the shots, Chester blended into the darkness. The darkness that comes at night…

(Chow for now…)

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

"The lone and whining road,

Leads me to Ecuador.

Will never mist appear,

I’ve seen that goat be-fo-ore…

It always Leeds my hair,

Leeds me to Ecuador…."

Thang Q, here all week folks!!!! Try the veal...

Chow for now!!

Monday, March 07, 2011

Today, I’m getting on the bandwagon, and finally going green.

On second thought, maybe I should have a doctor look at this questionable toe…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, March 06, 2011

Shouldn’t that old hit pop song have actually been titled “I’m Leavin’ IN a Jet Plane”??
After more than 23 years, search for Waldo officially called off…

New male pattern balding discovered: paisley.

Young Paris Hilton sees oven in use: “That’s hot!”

Building hut in back yard. Thinking of calling it “Jabba”…

Arborist doing inventory: One, two, tree, four…

Wouldn’t advertising flyers be far more interesting if they actually flew??

Chimney sick – think it has the flue…

Less hazardous, costly super-hero musical planned for Broadway: “The Amazing Caterpillar-Man”.

How planning and procrastination bit me in the ass: Should have taken the time to finish writing the full name of my business on the company van before heading off to pick up Junior at school yesterday. Had a devil of a time trying to explain to the arresting officers that the name of my business is Free Weed REMOVAL…

Need to get new internet toaster – too many pop-ups denied lately…

Mad Hatter medicated, now just miffed.

(Chow for now…)

Saturday, March 05, 2011

Chicken Scratch

(posted from the Hoosegow apparently, by incarcerated weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)


Guard! Occifer? Occifer???

Hey, we’re outta bathroom tissues here,or even a few wood shavings! Howza bird gonna do his bizness??


What a pickle!! Man, ya firget ta pay fer one lousy Bieber CD, an tha Fuzz gets all bent outta shape. Now, I’m dancin’ ta tha Jailhouse Rock!!

Actually, I’m dancin’ aroun’ either petrified mice, or really solid dust bunnies. Ain’t these jokers ever hearda brooms??


Hey guard guy! Yo, screw!!



If only I had a few more feathers, or wore pants – I’da never got caught! Curse that musical genius for releasin’ remixes a his hits!! I can't resist his melodies!!

Hey, how long can they hold ya for, if ya confess ta yer crime? Damn my bum knee, and ingrown toenails!! So much fer a quick getaway…


Guard!! Lemme talk ta my lawyer, an do ya mebbe got any Johnny Cash records I can lissen to??

I needta make sum calls…

Cluck fer now!!

Friday, March 04, 2011

To Blog, or Not To Blog…

I Blog, Therefore I Am…

A Blog From My Hand Is Worth Two Anheuser-Busch…

Tis A Fah Fah Better Thing to Do, To Blog…

You know, a person could really milk this for hours. With no raging topic today (seriously, the cyber-world has milked every possible iota out of the ongoing Sheen lunacy, I’d say), I find myself once again tap-dancing to get a post whipped together this morning.

At least tomorrow Charlie will arise from his slumbers to help out. Today, I must face the keyboard alone, without a friend, without a peacock feather - without a tiara.

Feathers? Tiara? I’ve probably said too much…

Until tomorrow then…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, March 03, 2011

I’m pretty sure that there’s a cat, or other animal under our bed. We haven’t had pets for many years now, thanks to my suddenly developing an allergy to pet dander. However, SOMETHING must be living under our bed, because throughout the night I hear (and smell –whew!!) foul things. Frightening things. Things that would make a weaker man whimper.

Mrs. That Dan Guy SWEARS it isn’t her, but I kinda wonder if she’s lying. She sure giggles when these infractions “let loose”. And she often waves the blankets. Frankly, I’m just not buying the animal defence…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Cold snap for the foreseeable future. Hope to feel my knuckles again sometime in April…

Yes, it is colder than a penguin’s fish locker right now here in Calgary, and if you can believe what you hear (you should, especially if it came from TV), it may get even colder. Have to dig around and find my long underwear.

Say, has anyone ever invented battery-operated knickers? Just what the doctor ordered for frigid weather…

While I try and survive this latest onslaught of Canadian hardiness building, check out my latest REM column, poking fun at city slogans. Maybe ours should have been “Calgary – We’ll Flash-Freeze Your Meat…”

Chow for now!

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

I hereby notify the execs, producers, and talent scouts at CBS that I am available immediately to fill any recently vacated roles on certain hit sitcoms. Frankly, I’m two-and-a-half men just by myself…

Chow for now!!