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Sunday, September 30, 2007

I have seen my future, and it ain’t pretty…

No, this isn’t some Photoshop trick. That is indeed my scalp you are gazing at. I’ve got less hair than Charlie!!

It was an unintentional gaze into my future though. I may not have much left on top, but what was once there was infinitely better than this!! I’m smoother than my own bottom!!

What happened was sort-of an innocent mistake. My last stylist relocated, and I went in the other day for a little trim. The new stylist asked if her predecessor trimmed the top short, and (being a clueless male) I said yeah, I think so.

Here’s where the problem gets compounded. I take my glasses off for a haircut, and without glasses, I can’t see past the length of my extended arm. So, what the stylist was doing didn’t seem at all out of the ordinary.

Little did I know...

At any rate, when she was done and I put my glasses back on, I looked into the mirror and saw someone my Dad’s age. No, that’s wrong. Even my Dad still has more hair than this.

Even an egg has more hair than this…

That’s what you get when you continually write columns about having no hair – a self-fulfilling prophecy!!

Oh well. It will grow back. Until then, I’ve got a terrific selection of baseball caps to try out.

Chow for now!

Saturday, September 29, 2007


Chicken Scratch

Happy Saturday morning, my poultry-bump-free amigos!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Ole Charlie’s feelin’ a little bagged this mornin’, folks. I been fightin’ the cold that my roommates have been passin’ back ‘n forth, and I think it done did caught up to me…

Plus, they ain’t exactly prompt on cleanin’ up my litterbox, if ya know what I mean…Germ Alert!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, ya know how polite I usually am, but to give you some idea of how we’re all doin’ around here, let me paint a little picture for ya.

Ya ever heard that ole sayin’ “Slicker than the snot on a rooster’s beak”? Well, with three colds in the house, there’s snot ON the beaks, IN the beaks, all over the beaks!!! It’s a cluckin’ mucous factory in here!!

Buk-AAAWK!!!

And I have to say, Mrs. That Dan Guy sounds like a Canadian Goose honkin’ when she blows her nose. Just sayin’…

Which is still better than Banjo Boy, who groans every time he blows his honker, like he’s just passed a marble through his honker. The boy is a total wuss!! Which may explain his fascination with that high-pitched yowler Blunt.

Cluck! Better scatter. My beak is startin’ to dribble again. Chicken wings ain’t meant to hoist Kleenex!!

Cluck for now!!

Friday, September 28, 2007


It’s a great day to be alive, boys and girls!!

Of course, even if you weren’t (alive), this is probably still pretty big news.

Mr. James Blunt has just assumed the Number One position atop the Canadian album charts this week, according to published reports. He knocked Kanye West out of the top spot, rocketing to # 1 about as fast as Garth Brook’s comeback single on the country side.

So, can there be any further debate? The man is a recording monolith, and as I said the other day, there’s loads of potential hit singles on his new disc, so expect him to stick around for another couple of bazillion airplays, kiddies.

Boy, if Mr. Blunt ever put out a live album, he could surpass “Frampton Comes Alive”, “Cheap Trick Live At Budokan”, “Raffi At The Quelph Day Care Centre”!! He’s huge!!

But, I admit I may be a bit biased here.

***********************************************************************************

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are both grappling with pre-holiday colds. Nothing builds enthusiasm for a getaway like phlegm lodging in about ¾ of your throat.

However, once again I find I must recommend Cold-FX, the wonder drug for fighting colds, originated here in Canada. MTDG’s symptoms have lessened since she began her regimen, and my own seem to be held at bay with the product.

Chow for now!!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Well, there you have it, folks! I’ve been saying all along that September was flying by, and look at that calendar! There’s just a few days left…

If only December could do the same. Oh wait, that’s not too bad a month, holiday-wise.

If only January could do the same...

I’m a little dopey this morning. Had some tossing and turning in bed last night, and as a result got up a couple of times. Therefore, I’m kinda feeling it, whilst trying to propel my carcass along this morning.

Man, does network TV ever blow at 2:00 in the morning! Not that it’s all that great at prime time either, but in the wee hours of the morning, you really have to work to try and amuse yourself. While watching TV…

First off, you’ve got infomercials up the wazoo. Infomercials for products you’d have to have been kicked by a mule to think you actually need.

And how do these wizards always come up with $19.95 for every single product they offer?

“A new magnetic duster, harnessing the power of unicorn hair, just $19.95!!”

“Will you pay $1000 for this edible vacuum? NO! Will you even pay $500 for this revolutionary new edible vacuum? NO!! For just three equal payments of $19.95, you’ll be eating dirt in style!!”

I have to admit, I jotted down the number for that amazing new potato peeling glove. Have you seen it? You just rub a potato while wearing these abrasive gloves, and seconds later, you’ve pulverized the peel, and hold in your hands a potato literally begging to be boiled. Sure, the gloves look like you’ve been working on the transmission of a school bus, but I’m sure they just wash off with one easy motion.

Anyhow, I’m whacked, and sitting here pounding this out hasn’t helped. I’m going to go put my head down, and dream of my potato peeling gloves.

I wonder what they’d do to a gerbil???

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Once upon a time, there were three bears. Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear. Just like the A & W Hamburger family, but with more fur…

One day, the three bears decided to go for an idyllic walk in the woods, to stop and smell some roses. And skinny dip in the local lake. And maybe hit the casino. Hey, bears like to shoot craps too…

While they were out, a young blondie named Goldilocks jimmied open their kitchen window, and crawled inside their modest yet modern home. She caught her new jeans on a splinter of wood from the window jam, and said something I really shouldn’t print here. Seriously, she was quite pissed off…

Once inside the three bears’ home, Goldilocks cased the joint, and filled a burlap gunnysack with a few small but valuable items – all the better to hock later in the day. Well, all except the i-Pod Nano – THAT one she’d keep for herself.

However, as Goldilocks was finishing up her “shopping” trip, she became hungry. Goldie was never much of a long-term planner, and had failed to have a light snack before starting her afternoon work.

So, she rustled through the cupboards, and found boxes and boxes of porridge. And honey. Honey and porridge – that was it. Pissed off again, she glanced around the kitchen, and noticed three half-eaten bowls of porridge on the kitchen table. THAT was more like it…

She sampled one bowl, and it was just too porridgey. Blech! The next one was too runny. Ewww! But the last one was JUST right! So she scarfed it down.

But porridge always made Goldilocks sleepy, so she decided to try crashing for a few minutes.

She found Baby Bear’s bed, but it was too wet (Baby had issues…and a plastic mattress cover).

Then she discovered that Mama & Papa Bear had separate beds, indicating that people who originally wrote fables had to be careful about sexual mores back in the day. Hey, they had Baby Bear, it’s not like they were pure as the driven snow!!

Mama Bear’s bed was not too bad, but Papa Bear’s bed had a big-screen TV at the foot, to watch sports after he had left Mama Bear’s bed each night, if you know what I mean…

So, she crashed there while watching The View. Man, that Whoopi Goldberg is one funny cat!!

But that was bad luck for Goldie, because while she was still snoring, the three bears came home. And, let’s be serious here kids, bears and humans are not a good combination.

Goldie was never heard from again.

And the bears lived happily ever after.

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

One of the quirks of driving to our home is that you are pointed right at the Rocky Mountains. It looks like you’re driving right into them. Until you hit our street, where you have to turn, and subsequently end up in a suburban neighborhood with pretty much no view of those mountains.

Yesterday, driving home myself, I saw that the peaks of those Rocky Mountains were capped entirely in fresh snow, which makes them even more impressive to view (until you end up in our suburban neighborhood, turn, and completely lose sight of them).

This is a nice visual, but it also means that with fall barely a few days old, winter ain’t so far away.

As a matter of fact, we awoke yesterday to a balmy –3 outside, so Mrs. That Dan Guy had to throw on the oven, the fireplace, and sit on a heating pad, while nursing her first cup of coffee in the morning. What I’m saying is – it’s chilly now.

Pretty soon, we’ll have to turn on the furnace. When we still lived in Kelowna, it was an annual ritual to see how long we could go, before we finally gave in and fired up the central heating system. Sometimes it was late October; once we even hobbled into November.

Now, we’re thinking about turning it on (the furnace, the furnace) in the last week of freakin’ September!!! With all the big oil money floating around this town, you’d think SOMEBODY might be able to do something to make it more…well…tropical here. And global warming, come on!! –3 does NOT feel like global warming to me!!

Oh well, wattaya gonna do? Just enjoy the sun while it briefly shines down in the afternoon.

And join Mrs. That Dan Guy on the heating pad at night…

Chow for now!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Having had about a week now to (continuously) play the new James Blunt CD – I have reached a verdict.

Terrific!! Fantastico! Wunderbar!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls – have no fear. Mr. Blunt has created yet another monster batch of future hits. Maybe not another “You’re Beautiful”, but there’s some terrific, terrific songs on this disc…

As a matter of fact, it almost has the feel of a Beatles album – one of the poppy ones of course.

Hey, wouldn’t it be fun to imagine (no pun intended) a NEW Beatles?

Paul McCartney is still around, so he could keep his original role.

Ringo. What’s he doing these days? Working at a Kinko’s somewhere? Let him back behind the drum kit, and you’ve got 50 percent of the band back together again. More than enough to keep hard-line sticklers happy.

Then, instead of something tacky and predictable like Julian or Sean Lennon, why not James Blunt?? Come on, he’s British, he’s tall and thin, and he has that high voice. It’s almost spooky I tell you. I’m getting poultry bumps just thinking about it!!!

To round out the new Fab Four, you could really shake things up, and maybe have Norah Jones as the serious one. That works on a number of levels.

“And now Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a really big shew…Paul, James, Norah and Ringo – The Beatles!!!””

Crowd goes wild…

Man, I gotta get this idea into the hands of somebody that can do something with it…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

It's not like we're admitting that summer is over, but yesterday we took down our gazebo, and packed up our lawn furniture...

Good thing, too. Last night it started to rain like a cheap motel room shower, so we would have had to wait DAYS until everything dried up again. As a matter of fact, it's still raining this morning.

I also mowed the lawn, which is neither here nor there, but it fills up a sentence or two here. Sorry...

So, with all that done, I think we are now officially prepared for fall. Looking out at our empty back yard, with the neatly manicured lawn, I wonder, "hey, who the hell's yard is that"?? The only thing missing is leaves to rake up, which is a good thing, seeing as how we don' t have trees of our own in the yard. I'd hate to be raking up some other person's leaves.

We do have wasps though. On the other side of the fence, in one of our other neighbor's yards, there's a healthy, well-producing wasp nest. Which made taking down our gazebo just a little bit more entertaining when they swooped in to help out. But, we persevered (and dodged a lot), until the task was done.

See you next year, summer...

Chow for now!!

(Hey, aren't these things supposed to be funny???)

Saturday, September 22, 2007


Chicken Scratch

Howdy-Doo, humans!
Today, ole Charlie is gonna try and get some proper breakfast tips into your thick skulls. Go grab a notepad…

Buk!

So, did yer mama ever tell ya how important breakfast is?? Well, lemme tell ya – it’s the most important pluckin’ meal of the day!!

Buk!

And what do YOU usually have for breakfast?? Eggs & bacon? Heart Attack Benedict? Coronory blockage Macmuffery?? MORON!!!!

Buk!

Cluck me!! Pluckin’ hiccups…I need ta guzzle some water, or somethin’…

Anyhoo, you have to start having a proper breakfast. Now, just cause ole Charlie enjoys the “Breakfast Of Champions” every day (coffee and several delightfully lengthy smokes), doesn’t mean that’s healthy for everybody. It may keep me as thin as an anorexic heiress, but it could be unhealthy for YOU.

Buk!

Crap!! Somebody pop a paper bag while I ain’t lookin’…

Humans oughta be eatin’ stuff like cereal, and low-fat muffins that taste like perfumed dog turds. They should eat fruit, and other boring things. AND UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES, should you ever have cereal that tastes good. Ya hafta eat plain, grain, grown with rain stuff.

Buk!

Mother Teresa… C’mon, somebody scare me. Tell me that Fiddy Scent has to retire now that Kanye outsold his record…

So, to sum things up – for a healthy human breakfast – no flavor, no enjoyment. If t tastes like the container your old toaster came in, it’s probably healthy for ya.

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

Hey, that’s better!!

Cluck for now!!

Friday, September 21, 2007

Back when we still lived in Kelowna, we played a little game where we tried to see how long it would be each year, before we turned on the furnace.

More often than not, it was late into October. One time we even stretched into November!

Not here in Calgary. We should have fired up the afterburners days ago. Every morning lately I awake to Mrs. That Dan Guy chipping icicles off her cheeks. I have a cup of unintentional iced coffee. The only thing preventing immediate hypothermia is my flannel long-johns…

Yes, we’ve skipped right by fall here, and seem to be experiencing the arctic chills of winter. I’ll only be able to stubbornly refuse to turn on the furnace so much longer, or I may have to thaw the shower before I can step in.

I think what makes it so cold is the mountain air. Whenever it gets rainy or wet outside, the thermometer drops like an Acme anvil just before The Roadrunner speeds safely by. It’s a wet cold. Cold Wet. Flippin’ chilly…

Which reminds me of the old “Mexican Weather Report” – Chili Today, Hot Tamale!!

Ha Ha Ha!! Ba-Doom Boom! Here all week, folks!!

Anyhoo…

I guess what I’m getting at, in my own terminally miserable way, is that the last few mornings have been bloody cold in the house.

Chow for now!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Special Emergency Edition Of

Chicken Scratch

By all things feathered and holy, for the love of The Great Rooster, I am pleadin’ to alla ya today! I believe I may be in imminent danger, if not about to totally lose my cookies…

Do ya see what I’m posin’ with here?? Yeah, the brand-new James Blunt CD. Banjo Boy here raced out to buy it cluckin’ TWO DAYS AGO, the first day of release…like some heart-broke schoolgirl. He musta been first in line when the stores opened!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!!

Oh, he can tell ya he bought it for Mrs. That Dan Guy, but he’s full of batter – he played it TWICE before he even went to pick her up!!!! I’m dyin’ here!!

Please, I begga ya, get me outta here before I peck my own eyeballs out!! Or bite off my ears, once I find ‘em…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

The worst part is, he sings along!! This guy couldn’t carry a tune in a takeout container!! I’ll let you decide which one I’m talkin’ about here…

Please, take me into yer heart, and yer home. I promise to drink less if I get outta here, and I’ll do what I can about my smokin’.

I can’t make any promises about the chicks…

Ah, I can’t make no promises about nuthin’…who am I kiddin’???

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

But I need to get outta this Blunt Zone toot sweet, there’s no tellin’ what’s next. I gotta get out before TDG gets a tattoo of James Blunt on his Butt-AAAAWKS!!!!

Cluck for now!!





Wednesday, September 19, 2007


The Wednesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Art Garfunkel

(or, Why I Will Never be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Well, we were certainly looking forward to this one, we two old fogies. This was a fundraiser for alternative energy gurus The Pembina Institute (http://www.pembina.org/), and I think one of only two Canadian dates. Last year was the exceptional Bonnie Raitt. Go back into the archives for that one…

One of the best shows we ever saw in Winnipeg was Paul Simon, one half of Simon & Garfunkel. Last night, we got to catch the other half of that famous partnership. The soft-voiced serious one. With the Caucasian afro. He still looks the same as he always has - like an electrocuted Q-Tip wearing a necktie.

This is trivia only, but he’s touring with James Taylor’s longtime pianist. Who knows, could be a Jeopardy question someday.

So, now we can say we’ve seen both Paul Simon, AND Art Garfunkel, just not together as Simon & Garfunkel. Which is how they’ve spent a lot of their career “together” anyhow…

Anyway, there’s a review to be done here, enough idle chit-chat!!

Mr. Garfunkel hit the stage with that unique voice of his, somewhat like frosted icing. I can’t recall which one of his own songs he started with, but it was well received. As was “Homeward Bound”, with which he followed that opener. The crowd went nuts. Clearly, we were secretly lusting for Simon & Garfunkel songs.

Which we ended up getting, happily. Over the course of over 90 minutes, Mr. Garfunkel played songs from his many solo albums, and a few surprises, like a tune by Randy Newman, and a lullaby by Mary Chapin Carpenter. But he acknowledged that the crowd seemed to light up a bit more whenever he threw in something like “El Condor Pasa”, or “Scarborough Fair”…

I sort-of expected to hear stuff like “The Boxer” (we did), but we were surprised and treated by hearing most of the Simon & Garfunkel biggies – “The Sounds of Silence”, and “Mrs. Robinson”, during which he joked about the reasons he and Paul Simon had broken up years ago. He has quite the dry wit.

Of course, he brought the flippin’ house down with “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which wrestled out a few sniffles from MTDG beside me… That alone was worth the price of admission…The song – not the sniffles…

Add in a latin-flavoured reworking of “Cecilia”, plus too many other highlights to list, it was a crazy-terrific evening. He closed with an oldie cover from the 50’s – “Goodnight My Love”.

Not the funniest review I’ll admit, but one GREAT show!!

Chow for now!!!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Hic…

Good day, eh. Welcome to today's blog.

Hic…

Super-early start this morning, as I have to be somewhere bright and early. I can guarantee early, but bright may be in doubt.

Hic…

I guess it’s not so early, now that I look at the time. I’ve been dragging my sorry carcass so far, since crawling out of bed.

Hic…

Flippin’ hiccups!!!!!!!

Wow! I’d better start getting ready. We’ve got to leave in about 50 minutes. Oh, wait. That’s MTDG that has to take so long to get ready. I just have to comb what’s left of my hair, and sniff a shirt.

Hic…

AARGH!! I have to drink some water…

Hic…

Quick, somebody scare me. Tell me that Britney Spears is going to sing and dance again…

Hic…

Oh boy. I hate having the hiccups. I feel like I’m trying to mildly project my breakfast or something.

Hic…

Alright, that’s it. I’ve gotta go breathe into a paper bag, or something. This is driving me nuts.

Chow for now!!

Hic…

Monday, September 17, 2007

The 17th??

What is going on with this month?? I feel like I’m in a horse race, but I’m the only nag pulling a cart…

At this rate, it’s going to be October in no time. Give it another 10 or 12 days, and we’ll all be singing those familiar October songs again. Like…like…oh, you know which ones I’m talking about…

So, no matter how much I plead, it’s becoming clear to me that September has its own agenda – so screw the rest of us that might like to see it linger a little bit.

Maybe the month has a big head, because of that old Earth Wind & Fire song about it? Or maybe it’s been out on bail, and needs to get back in a hurry? Whatever the reason, these 17 days seem to have FLOWN by.

Like those flying penguins I’ve been seeing… I know – I thought we had sorted out that whole penguin/can’t possibly be penguins thing, but man, do they ever look like penguins!! Although they aren’t black and white. More two-tone beige…

How did I get back on those stupid birds?? I’m still perturbed about the fleeting month here. I’m so perturbed by the fleeting month, I haven’t been able to fully allow myself to enjoy the Stampeders weekend massacre of that green team from Saskatchabush…our team killed ‘em!!!

I’m falling apart here…football, penguins, rapid-passing months…I’ve lost all semblance of sanity in my ramblings…

What’s that?? What sanity??

Chow for now!!

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I don’t want to give anyone out there the impression I might be a little looney, but I’m pretty sure we have penguins flying over our house at night…

Sitting in our yard, there’s a certain time of evening that these mystery birds start flying across the sky. The only birds they seem to resemble are penguins, at least in form. They do NOT appear to be wearing tuxedos…

Now, I am aware that penguins are small, flightless birds, which would present the first challenge to my theory. Also, we live in ALBERTA, not either of the arctic zones. We are also completely devoid of pickled herring as a native food for them. I’m pretty sure the average penguin could find an Oreo cookie without much difficulty…

But these birds DO look like penguins!

Now, in retrospect, we have occasionally enjoyed a spirit beverage while sitting in the yard, so this could be similar to Loch Ness Monster and Ogopogo sightings… At least it ain’t Flyin’ Elvi!!

Chow for now!!

Saturday, September 15, 2007


Chicken Scratch

Happy cluckin’ Saturday, mammals!! Tickle yer arse with a feather??

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

So, not much goin’ on today – pretty quiet in the hood. I been keepin’ a low profile this week. Behavin’ myself for a change. Maybe I’ll even tutor some kids for kicks.

Yeah, absolutely nothin’ new this week. Just a dull, dull week around this pluckin’ joint. I read some Cosmo magazines, and caught up on some Oprah video I was behind on. I think I even knit my aunt a set of leg warmers. Tame stuff…

What?? Ya say I look different this week?? What the pluck are ya talkin’ about????

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!

Charlie looks like he has every other cotton-pickin’ week, you near-sighted hairless monkey!!!

Aw, crappy doodles….

Busted…

Alright, so I had a little “elective surgery”. The copy of Cosmo I read had an article that said that chicks still dig a full head of hair. I ain’t ever been all that hairy on the roof, so I HAD to get creative. I found a ad in the phone book for hair augmentation, so voila! Charlie with a bouffant!! Wattaya think??

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think I got a bit a danger to me now – a toucha wild man. And lemme tell ya – so far, the chicks dig it!! If I learn howta play guitar, all you featherless homeboy sapiens better get friendly with the Maytag repairman – there won’t be any chicks left for the rest of ya!!!

Maybe I should add one of them growths under my chin…

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Despite my repeated protestations, September continues to speed by. No regard for my feelings, this hasty month!

Here we are, already the freakin’ 13th!! Did September become unionized, or something??? Can’t it be more like August, and take some time to kick back a little???

At the rate this month is flying by, we’ll be carving pumpkins in no time – picking the ants out of Santa’s beard, before we place him on the stairs.

SLOW DOWN, SEPTEMBER!!!! I’m warning you – I need more time to embrace this month.

Although, is there anything you really miss in September? It’s not technically fall, and it sure ain’t summer – the temperature outside today was 1 degree Celsius!! Even Beluga whales like their water warmer than that…

So, would I miss much if September continued to careen along its current hasty linear timeline? Sure, the trees change color, and go through instant balding. National Squirrel Month would be here sooner. And my lawn may rebound from the summer scorching. I suppose I should have watered it once or twice, like my neighbors kept doing…

So, there you have it. I am coming to terms with this sprinting month. Go by quickly September, if that’s what floats your boat. See if I care.

I’ll be too busy watching the new fall TV season to give a rat’s patootie…

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

The rain (last night) fell mainly on the plain, and went down the drain.

By George, I think I got it!!

Yessir, boys and girls, it rained cats and dogs here last night. As a matter of fact, it’s still coming down right now. An abundance of wet – a gaggle of rain drops. When we leave later this morning, will they keep falling on my head??

Hope it’s not Kentucky Rain. That stuff keeps falling down.

If it does, who’ll stop the rain?? Still I wonder…

Have YOU ever seen the rain? I mean, it’s not like rain is something out of the ordinary, so of course you’ve probably seen the rain…

Whatever. I don’t know why I’m being so weird this morning. Must be that rainy day feeling again. You know – it’s raining, it’s pouring, Mrs. That Dan Guy is snoring…

What is pretty cool is listening to the rhythm of the pouring rain. Very rhythmic.

It is supposed to warm up later today, so likely the rain, rain will go away, but you never know - it might come back another day. What can you do? Rain’s like that.

At least it’s normal rain. I’d be worried if it was like, red rain or something freaky like that.

And, on the plus side, there’s no thunder n lightnin’. Frightenin’…

If it was raining here, was it also a rainy night in Georgia? And really, why would I even need to know that??

Better pack it in for today. I’m totally losing it, and I don’t want to upset anybody with this aimless rant. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for blue eyes, crying in the rain…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Has there ever been an alternate design for the common office paper clip?? They’ve looked the same to me for years, but surely someone didn’t get out of bed one morning, twist a piece of wire, and become the richest joiner of loose papers in history…

If I had been left to invent the paper clip, it probably would have looked more like a slag of molten metal, to act more as a paperweight, than a paper gatherer and collector.

You haven’t lived until you’ve seen some of the creative solutions I’ve come up with for different conundrums, over the years.

And how I wish I could come up with even just a couple of examples, but for the love of Pete, I’m just waking up here. I haven’t even finished my FIRST cup of coffee, let alone swept the bulk of the cobwebs out of my brain.

So, rather than regale you with witty commentary of the nutty things I’ve done (and had come back to bite me in the ass), I’m giving you this little teaser.

Frankly, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened more often, in over 550 postings. No, I get up, I prop one or more of my bleary eyes open, and eventually rumble up the stairs (early morning natural gas) to try and compose this drivel.

Wait, where was I? Was I still talking about paper clips? Was I trying to elicit sympathy for something that nobody is FORCING me to do? Or was I just trying to delicately confess to being a small part of global warming in the morning??

How did I get so far off track this morning?? I’ve lost my moral compass. No, that’s not even right. I’ve lost something though… I should start leaving bread scraps along the way…

At any rate – paper clips. What a modern wonder. No slight to staples, but for joining pieces of paper, how would we live without them???

Chow for now!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Holy Tomato Paste, Batman…what the heck is happening to September???

Today is the flippin’ 10th already!!! Is September in some sort of foot race?? Does it have somewhere to be by a certain date?? Or is it just that with summer pretty much over now, the calendar gods just feel hey, why should days linger lazily anymore??

Or, am I the only one here with a) wrinkled knuckles, and b) a feeling that the month is flying by at warp speed????

Now I’m starting to feel guilty about watching Britney Spear’s lip-synched return last night. Those were 15 minutes I could have been tilling the garden, or finishing up my 3-D paper-maché model of Saskatchewan. No matter how hard I try, it still just looks like a rectangular pancake…

And how about that performance?? The news channels are already gong on about how she looked like she had walked into a wall several times, and it was painfully obvious at several points when she was desperately trying to remember the words, that her voice was still coming out of the speakers, clear as a bell.

Stick a fork in her folks, I think she’s done!!

But I’m digressing here. Why on earth does time have to fly, when it can take a Greyhound for considerably less money? Can’t I enjoy the days just a little bit more?? By tomorrow, it’ll be the end of the month, and I’ll have to start planning my annual "Birds Of Prey" Halloween costume yet again.

Slow down, Month. I’m warning you!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, September 09, 2007

I’m not sure if anybody out there can help me with this, but I’m looking for some sort of cream that actually does remove wrinkles.

I’ve noticed over the last little while that all of my knuckles have become completely surrounded by wrinkles. Every freakin’ finger!!

As hands are generally visible all day, I’m starting to get totally paranoid about how my hands look, with all of those pruny fingers. And the wrinkles are deep, man. Craters…

So, yet another life crisis. You just get used to dealing with nature’s creative methods of ventilating the back of your head, and then this! Laugh lines on your flippin’ knuckles!!! What’s next, big fleshy puckering on your elbows and knees?


HEY!!!


Omigod, I’ve got big fleshy puckering on my elbows and knees!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m melting down!! I see a bright white light!!


HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be 15 again, and riding my red CCM bicycle long a carefree trail in the woods.

Although, there are wolves in the woods, look at poor Little Red Riding Hoodie.

Was there ever a carefree time in my life?? This is becoming really troubling. Curse you, wrinkled fingers, curse you!!!

I need another coffee…


Chow for now!!

Saturday, September 08, 2007


Chicken Scratch

CANNIBALS!!!!!!

I live among meat-eatin’ cannibals!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!!!

Welcome, fleshy readers. Just happy to be here today, seein’ as how my roommates are plottin’ my untimely demise. Will ole Charlie be soup, or skewer?? Cluck me!!!

You can live among people, and never really know ‘em. Here I thought I was getting’ a free pass, as the resident chicken philosopher. Now, I see I’m future chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot pie. I’m just happy Mama Wings didn’t live to see the tragedy of this day…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, I gotta sleep with one eye open. I may have to hire a watchdog, to look after my best interest (and valuable pinfeathers).

All along, I thought I had friends here. I though Banjo Boy just slobbered in his sleep, now I see he’s dreamin’ of Chicken Royale!! I don’t wanna drown in fettucini sauce!! I got my pride!!

What the cluck is this world comin’ to? Can’t humans be happy with cooked cows, and vegetables? Save A Chicken, Fry A Fish!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Man, my comb is getting’ droopy. I’m losin’ the will to live… When will the axe fall?? I’ve heard all about that “chicken with his head cut off” claptrap, now I gotta be fast as a roadrunner, so it don’t happen to me!!! What’ll happen to my kids????? Woe is me!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!!!

Self defense. That’s the ticket. They’d never convict me, if I showed them the evidence. It’s every chicken for hisself…

Cluck for now!!

Friday, September 07, 2007


I wonder sometimes if Chewbacca still has all his original hair. Wouldn’t Wookies eventually go bald, like anyone else?? There’s something unsettling about thinking that a giant hairy beast that can pilot a spacecraft may be wearing a toupee…

A toupee that looks like the daily hairstyle of The View’s Meredith Vieira…

Speaking of bad hairdos, I hear on the news this morning that Britney Spears is going to be launching her official comeback on a music awards show this weekend. Here at the Such Is Life household, we will be clearing our schedules to attend this event, albeit from the safety and comfort of our reclining sofa.

This performance could mark a musical highpoint of the year, like back when Friskies or whoever first launched that famous “Meow Meow Meow” song for their commercials. That tune was on everybody’s mind for years! Go Britney!! And don’t forget, it’s “yay yay yay yay” after every other lyric…

Wow, I’m all over the map this morning! And snarky! I should have finished my first cup of coffee before I jumped on board today.

Could be because I had such bad luck myself this week, at the Meredith Vieira Wig Factory. Her style just isn’t suited to a husky older fellow like myself. I look like that old stand-up comic, Emo Phillips, pictured above - for no apparent reason - at the start of this blog.

Bet you were wondering how I’d tie that in, eh???

Chow for now!!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

video

The Return Of Fuzzball

With: "The Sound Of Summer" (granted the summer of 1967, but summer nonetheless).

Imagine if you will a little baseball cap on the sidewalk, for our furry busker...

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

The more I think about it, the more I find favorable comparisons, regarding my being a Pharaoh…

Considering that every bone in my body still aches from a simple garden shed set-up clearly indicates I could use limitless volunteers, to help with future projects like that. Even my corpuscles are throbbing, and they generally tend to be pretty resilient...

I then recalled that pharaohs are often bald. Well, I’m awful close. Like Yul Brynner in The Ten Commandments, nobody’s gonna call me Curly anytime soon. A few wayward sprigs just don’t hide the rooftop that much anymore…

Pharaohs are OK with snakes, and I don’t have a big problem with them either. As long as they’re behind glass, or in another country altogether.

Again, using Yul Brynner as my pharaoh role model, the ancient Egyptian rulers were fond of loincloths and elaborate neck dressings. Pretty much my attire at the start of each and every day. My staff sits beside the computer desk here…

Not my staff as in employees. My staff like rod and staff/walking stick/imperial piece of lengthy wood. No pharaoh worth his salt would be caught dead without a staff…

I really thought I had more tangible comparisons, but it is quickly becoming clear that I am stretching it, at the very least.

Regardless, it is the pharaoh’s life for me. So let it be written. So let it be Dan…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Long weekends tend to confuse me. Is today “Monday”, or “Tuesday”? Will “Friday” feel like “Saturday”?

Will I be able to type more than four words in a row this morning, without quotation marks?

Will I come to resent the next weekend, when it only consists of two (very short) days?

Seriously, I love my long weekends, but it really throws a monkey wrench into all the other ones. I don’t like them nearly as much as I do the longer ones. Sort-of how I like my monkey wrenches more than any of the non-monkey ones…

So how do you accept these extended weekend stretches as they were probably intended (boom sales periods for the liquor stores), without being absolutely miserable when a full week follows the next 2-day weekend??

Well, maybe you should trick your mind into thinking you’re NOT at work on a non-holiday. Pretend you’re at a lazy, warm beach, and kickin’ back in a lawn chair. As a matter of fact, bring your lawn chair to work on whatever day you feel should be the natural holiday.

Pack some hot dogs for lunch. I don’t know how you’d heat them up, I haven’t really thought this through that far. But some of those photocopiers get pretty hot after running for 20 minutes or so…

Wear your beach clothes – the ones that hang down past your knees and your crevasses like rapper pants. Don’t be afraid of a loud T-shirt, with statements like “My Coffee Cup Is Really Filled With Corona!!” Make your biggest decision on this non-holiday holiday whether you should wear a plaid bandana, or a baseball cap.

There you have it. Every week that isn’t legitimately awarding you a long weekend, can become one with simple amendments to your weekday.

Next week: dealing with the extended and/or permanent vacation that may follow this advice…

Chow for now!

Monday, September 03, 2007

I must be starting to lose what's left of my marbles....I thought I had brought home a green tea latte yesterday, but for the life of me, I couldn't find it anywhere...

Whatever.

So, I think I would have been very well suited to have been a Pharaoh. You know, one of those ancient Egyptian rulers that had thousands of volunteers working on pyramids and such.

Yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I spent an entire flippin' day, out in the hot sun. Not tanning or lounging - we had to erect a garden shed before late December, and yesterday was our day to do it.

So, with tools in hand, and a song in our hearts, we set about the task. First order of business, find a level piece of land in the roller coaster track that is our yard. Rather than in a corner, as we had hoped, the only level piece of dirt in our entire backyard ended up being directly in the middle.

So we laid the floor, and all was well - the sun was shining a bit brighter and hotter, but we still had a song in our hearts.

Then came the walls. Which as we fitted one piece into place, a previous section would fall apart. By the time we made it to the fourth side, the first side literally crashed to the ground. The second wall teetered, but only partially decomposed. And that ole sun, well, it really stretched out and shone. Like a space shuttle rocket, boosting away from the earth. Even our sweat was sweaty......

With some persuasion, and after a break sitting in our downstairs freezer, we were able to prop up the sidewalls with a variety of items, including but not limited to tennis racquets, and a copy of Dear Abby's Best Columns.

We were pleased to note that the roof went together exceedingly well, until the next page in the manual indicating a step we had not previously been made aware of, and had to dismantle half of both sides of the roof sections. The song in my heart was getting a bit darker...

The shed now stands completed. But if I had been a Pharoah, my volunteers would have had the joy of completing that task. And this morning, I wouldn't feel like a baked potato that had been shot down the street by a hockey stick.

Chow for now!!

Sunday, September 02, 2007


Chicken Scratch

Howdy-doo, mammals!! Pardon me, whilst I finish up my green tea latte…holy cluckin’ hen feathers – is this EVER A GOOD DRINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

So, last night the Banjo Buddies went to see Billy Bob Thornton, and didn’t take along ole Charlie. Here’s wishing them all he best with the flea circus I set free in their bedroom suite…

If there’s one actor I always thought I could relate to, it’s gotta be Billy Bob. He’s pluckin’ funnier than hell, and more than just a little bit crude on occasion. I’m funnier than hell, and often crude. Especially if somebody’s got an eye on my chicken wings!!

Plus, he’s a lady’s man, while I remain the original chick magnet.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Anyways, I woulda killed to be there, and see Mr. Bob. We coulda swapped stories about the best beer to have with chicken feed, or chatted about how he could hook me up with that Halle Berry hubba-hubba from one of his movies. I coulda been a roadie for him!!

I will not soon forget this, Evil Oppressor Of Poultry!!!

Anyways…say, this green tea latte is one swell swig of brew. I mean, it ain’t about to replace beer in my diet, but for a Sunday morning, to help prop up my battered soul, it hits the spot.

Hmm…should I ever use a sentence with the word “batter” in it???
Buk-AAAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Saturday, September 01, 2007


The Saturday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Billy Bob Thornton.

(or, Why I Will NEVER Be A Professional Concert Reviewer)

Huh???

Billy Bob Thornton?? Bad Santa Thornton??

Oh yeah, boys and girls, THAT Billy Bob Thornton, who rolled into Calgary last night to kick some Cowtown ass. Musically anyway…

Some of you out there already know that he records. I wasn’t aware that he had FOUR albums out, but I had heard one of his earlier singles, “Angelina”, back when he was still married to Ms. Jolie. Not surprisingly, that song was not on the playlist last night…

What was on the playlist was an opening set of killer country rock – edgy and relentless. Hillbilly rock. Kick-ass country. One song even mashed together some Beatles, and The Who, as well as one Mott The Hoople cover a la hillbilly.

His band, The Boxcutters…no, that’s wrong. You’d never get on a plane with THAT name. The Boxmasters, I think. Could be The Boxmakers. At any rate, something boxy…

Billy Bob & his Boxy Band were having a ball up there, and the crowd (sold out) was lovin’ every minute of it. For the record, he’s a chain smoker, and likes his bottles of beer while performing. If you see a show advertised for your area any time soon, get out there and see him. He may be running on borrowed time. Although in one of his trademark commentaries throughout the show, he did suggest that he’s heard from one two many Twinkie-eating doctors telling him to quit smoking, and he’s willing to bet there’s less chemicals in a cigarette than there are in your average Twinkie. The night was peppered throughout with his banter, as funny as you’d expect, but make no mistake – he’s dead serious about this music gig.

At any rate, first set was a killer. After a brief intermission, they returned, with a change of costumes (very liberally – more of a dressing-down for a grunge festival), and spent the next hour cranking out a hard rock set, of even better quality than the first hour. Among the originals and other gems, we were treated to a smokin’ cover of 70’s pop song “Hitching A Ride”, and a bit of a kick at Canada’s Avril Lavigne, when they couldn’t stop grinning through a run of the “I Want To Be Your Boyfriend” song she’s accused of plagiarizing.

I have to say, this was one terrific show. There were more tattoos onstage than at an L.A. Ink taping, and every time Billy Bob gave that famous half-grin and wink, the ladies went nuts. What can I say – the guy has charisma…

Two thumbs up!!

Chow for now (Charlie returns tomorrow morning)