Once upon a time, there were three bears. Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and Baby Bear. Just like the A & W Hamburger family, but with more fur…
One day, the three bears decided to go for an idyllic walk in the woods, to stop and smell some roses. And skinny dip in the local lake. And maybe hit the casino. Hey, bears like to shoot craps too…
While they were out, a young blondie named Goldilocks jimmied open their kitchen window, and crawled inside their modest yet modern home. She caught her new jeans on a splinter of wood from the window jam, and said something I really shouldn’t print here. Seriously, she was quite pissed off…
Once inside the three bears’ home, Goldilocks cased the joint, and filled a burlap gunnysack with a few small but valuable items – all the better to hock later in the day. Well, all except the i-Pod Nano – THAT one she’d keep for herself.
However, as Goldilocks was finishing up her “shopping” trip, she became hungry. Goldie was never much of a long-term planner, and had failed to have a light snack before starting her afternoon work.
So, she rustled through the cupboards, and found boxes and boxes of porridge. And honey. Honey and porridge – that was it. Pissed off again, she glanced around the kitchen, and noticed three half-eaten bowls of porridge on the kitchen table. THAT was more like it…
She sampled one bowl, and it was just too porridgey. Blech! The next one was too runny. Ewww! But the last one was JUST right! So she scarfed it down.
But porridge always made Goldilocks sleepy, so she decided to try crashing for a few minutes.
She found Baby Bear’s bed, but it was too wet (Baby had issues…and a plastic mattress cover).
Then she discovered that Mama & Papa Bear had separate beds, indicating that people who originally wrote fables had to be careful about sexual mores back in the day. Hey, they had Baby Bear, it’s not like they were pure as the driven snow!!
Mama Bear’s bed was not too bad, but Papa Bear’s bed had a big-screen TV at the foot, to watch sports after he had left Mama Bear’s bed each night, if you know what I mean…
So, she crashed there while watching The View. Man, that Whoopi Goldberg is one funny cat!!
But that was bad luck for Goldie, because while she was still snoring, the three bears came home. And, let’s be serious here kids, bears and humans are not a good combination.
Goldie was never heard from again.
And the bears lived happily ever after.
Chow for now!!
One day, the three bears decided to go for an idyllic walk in the woods, to stop and smell some roses. And skinny dip in the local lake. And maybe hit the casino. Hey, bears like to shoot craps too…
While they were out, a young blondie named Goldilocks jimmied open their kitchen window, and crawled inside their modest yet modern home. She caught her new jeans on a splinter of wood from the window jam, and said something I really shouldn’t print here. Seriously, she was quite pissed off…
Once inside the three bears’ home, Goldilocks cased the joint, and filled a burlap gunnysack with a few small but valuable items – all the better to hock later in the day. Well, all except the i-Pod Nano – THAT one she’d keep for herself.
However, as Goldilocks was finishing up her “shopping” trip, she became hungry. Goldie was never much of a long-term planner, and had failed to have a light snack before starting her afternoon work.
So, she rustled through the cupboards, and found boxes and boxes of porridge. And honey. Honey and porridge – that was it. Pissed off again, she glanced around the kitchen, and noticed three half-eaten bowls of porridge on the kitchen table. THAT was more like it…
She sampled one bowl, and it was just too porridgey. Blech! The next one was too runny. Ewww! But the last one was JUST right! So she scarfed it down.
But porridge always made Goldilocks sleepy, so she decided to try crashing for a few minutes.
She found Baby Bear’s bed, but it was too wet (Baby had issues…and a plastic mattress cover).
Then she discovered that Mama & Papa Bear had separate beds, indicating that people who originally wrote fables had to be careful about sexual mores back in the day. Hey, they had Baby Bear, it’s not like they were pure as the driven snow!!
Mama Bear’s bed was not too bad, but Papa Bear’s bed had a big-screen TV at the foot, to watch sports after he had left Mama Bear’s bed each night, if you know what I mean…
So, she crashed there while watching The View. Man, that Whoopi Goldberg is one funny cat!!
But that was bad luck for Goldie, because while she was still snoring, the three bears came home. And, let’s be serious here kids, bears and humans are not a good combination.
Goldie was never heard from again.
And the bears lived happily ever after.
Chow for now!!
No comments:
Post a Comment