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Thursday, January 31, 2008

You know what they said about curiosity and cats...

Chow for now...

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I took in a Stage West Dinner Theatre production of Sweet Charity, the hit musical currently being successfully revived right now, on Broadway. The show we saw last night couldn’t have been revived with a defibrillator and massive quantities of nitro-glycerine…

The show was our first disappointment at this venue, which has had some rather professional productions the past few times we’ve been there. The show we saw last night couldn’t have been improved with a trap door and a bear on a unicycle…

What can I say? We were both bored out of our skulls. When the lights came up for the first intermission, you could tell that we had both been occupied with something other than the show – if we were going to have a second cup of coffee/how do ostriches breath when they stick their heads in the sand/what flavour gum do you suppose this is, stuck under the table??

We snuck outside in the balmy -40° Celsius weather for some “fresh air”, and to let our vehicle run for a bit (frozen battery acid doesn’t do a very efficient job of starting a car), and we found that several other folks were doing the same thing. Unlike us, they all headed for the exit, once their vehicles warmed up.

So, what was the problem? Weak casting for sure. You never believed that the lead actor would have trouble finding a partner, and for that matter, you never developed any feelings at all for her. She could have been trampled by a herd of elephants in the first act, and we’d still have been more concerned with trying to figure out the flavour of that damn gum underneath the top of our table…

This production couldn’t have been saved by a herd of stampeding elephants.

Troopers that we were, we stuck in through to the end, when many others were quietly picking up their parkas, and walking backwards towards the exits. The pivotal point in the show arrived, and with no emotional attachment to the lead character, the ending was as heartbreaking as discovering that professional wrestling is staged. As a matter of fact, after such a tepid closing scene, the actors all started to come onstage and take bows, and you wondered if several of them might have started their own cars during the intermission, and gone home themselves.

Hey, I think I may have just written a negative review! Take that,!!

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

More “Fun Facts About Canada”…

(if you imagine “facts” in the same category as “meat” in a hot dog…)

Alright, first let me apologize to the rest of the world for exporting Pamela Anderson/Lee/Rock/Roll/Biscuit…

So, today we back up just a bit, and offer a few basic facts about Canada.

1) Canada is comprised of 10 (Maybe 9. Could be 11 - I really should confirm this for you…) “provinces”, which are much like U.S. ‘states”, except that 90 % of a province’s population will live in one large city, with most of the rest of that province remaining wide open. For all I know, dinosaurs still roam outside of major Canadian cities…

2) Canada has TWO official languages – English, and French. Any product sold in Canada must have both official languages on ALL of their printed matter, which assists citizens in reading the official language of their choice. Except for Spanish-speaking citizens, who pretty much have to gamble whenever they buy a product, not knowing if it might be Chicken Noodle Soup, or a quart of eggshell house paint…

3) Canada has a love affair with hockey. Over the years, we’ve cheated on hockey with curling, lacrosse, football, baseball, and basketball. Hey, when you have two official languages, you really believe the rules don’t apply to you… Hockey always takes us back, with open arms…

4) Canada has a very temperate climate, rarely ever dropping below +20 Celsius.

(HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! My fingers are soooooooooooo cold right now…)

5) Canada maintains some ties with that overseas country, the one with the big-eared Royal Family. As a matter of fact, the Queen is still pictured on a lot of our currency. Has been for decades.
However, we look forward to the new currency coming soon from our Royal Canadian Mint – The “Celine Dion” twenty dollar bills, and the “Alex Trebek” Jeopardy series of commemorative coins…

Chow for now!!

Monday, January 28, 2008

-45° Celsius....

Flippin’ -45° Celsius, with the wind chill. Even the trees are wearing sweaters this morning!!

It should be an interesting drive into work later this morning, when I bring Mrs. That Dan Guy to her downtown office building. It’s been some time since I’ve driven on square tires, but like riding a bicycle – it’s something you really don’t forget.

On the plus side, the snow they promised alongside this cold snap has yet to arrive, so I won’t be out shovelling the walk in weather that would make a polar bear hanker for a hot tub….

When the mercury dips this far down, you get to experience some unique and different phenomena around the house. For one thing, our peep-hole in the front door has a coating of ice around it, like a piece of six-month-old chicken in the freezer. I’m sure if I stuck my eyeball up against it to look outside, I’d be trapped there until spring.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll ask MTDG to check and see if it’s snowing outside right now…

Better run. I’ll be adding to global warming for a good chunk of the day, letting my poor motor vehicle try and warm up…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Well, the doodle has hit the windmill now!!

As I type this, Winter has abruptly arrived, and it’s brought a few friends – ugly, frigid friends. The temperature for the next few days is going to be around -28 Celsius (that’s colder than the backside of a penguin’s kneecap), with “ginormous” amounts of snow. The snow started falling about 15 minutes ago, and it’s coming down sideways, thanks to strong, gusting winds.

So, essentially we may have to live off of leaf dew and reruns, as we may end up trapped inside our home. Damn my decision NOT to pick up a new Wii gaming system!!!

Oh well. I suppose we’ve had it pretty easy so far, this winter. We’ve spent several weeks outside barbequing, and lounging on lawn chairs, while doves have fluttered above our heads, singing their little hearts out. When I look out in the backyard right now, I see several frozen lumps of feathers on the ground, which I have to assume used to be live, singing doves. Good thing we built a gate when we had a fence put up – coyotes looooove dovesicles.

Well, all this talk of food is making me hungry. Better go make MTDG and I breakfast, while we still have power…

Chow for now!!!

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Chicken Scratch

Yo-Ho-Ho, me featherless mammal friends! Arrr!!!!!

Pluckin’ avast, and ahoy! The tall ship sails at midnight, and me crew is preparin’ to scuttle some plunder, or plunder some scuttle. Who the cluck knows??

As ye can see by me ship (way off in the distance there), I’ve abandoned me land-lubber ways, and taken to the high seas. I’ve answered the call of the rum! Arrr…


Me hook is still being fitted at the factory, and me peg leg was chewed up by sea termites, but me eye patch should be enough to invoke fear in yer hairy carcasses! Ahoy! Avast!! ARRR!!!!


I must admits tho, this flippin sea-farin’ gets a bit hard on a rum-filled tummy. All the cluckin’ liftin’ an fallin’ of the waves, and if I eat one more cluckin’ lemon or lime to prevent scurvy, I’ll puke out a drink with an umbrella in it! By the end of this week, I may give up on Fish ‘n Chips forever!!



And for the love of One-Eyed Pete, couldn’t the builders of peer-at ships add a bit of cushioned leather here and there? Those wooden seats are murder on the pinfeathers!!

Me First Mate is shouting down from the Crow’s Nest. Sumthin’ about a Miss Hawaiian Tropic’s Bikini Contest in Fort Lauderdale. We shove off at dawn!

Ahoy!! Ahar!!


Buk-AAAAAAAAWK, mateys!!!

(Cluck for now!!)

Friday, January 25, 2008

I’m picking up some vibrations. Vibrations suggesting that today is Robbie Burns Day. I’m not sure why we celebrate a day in honour of a fictional cartoon boss from The Simpsons animated TV program, but if we get the day off because of it, I’m all in!!

No day off? What kind of cheap-ass holiday is that?

It would make more sense to celebrate that Scottish fellow, with the same name. You could tie a lot of things into something like that. You could eat haggis, read poetry – even slug back a few snorts of 25-year old Chivas. A wee dram, as a Scot might say.

To celebrate Mr. Burns, we’d have to do something related to operating a nuclear plant, which in my case could prove to be catastrophic. I’m still wondering what happened to my freckles, after watching a can of soup heat up in the microwave the other day. Seriously, give that machine some space when it’s operating…

Well, if I’m not going to get the day off to pay my respects to Mr. Robbie Burns, then screw him, AND his buck teeth! I choose instead to knock back a few glasses of Scotch, read a bit of poetry, and defrost a leg of lamb in the microwave.

From a healthy distance…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Has anyone out there got a spare dollop of BBQ sauce? About enough to coat say, a well-plucked chicken??

Just askin’…

Mrs. That Dan Guy & I went out last night to a little cocktail soiree – a delightful Client Appreciation evening thrown by the Realtor we dealt with, here in Calgary. Charlie and Cornelius wanted to attend, but with so many facilities going non-smoking at the beginning of the year, I couldn’t take the chance that they would have behaved themselves. Smoking or not, I have a hard time imagining Charlie behaving himself…

At any rate, the venue for the evening was an elegant downtown restaurant, Teatro – located directly outside a major Calgary theatre complex. We’ve always been curious about what the restaurant was like, so it was very opportune to be invited there. And, we have been short a few pieces of cutlery since we moved here, so we looked forward to finishing off our set – matching or not…

As we had expected, the place was pretty darn nice, and the food (hors d-oeuvres. Not actually horse, as far as we know) was to die for. They had some sort of jumbo shrimp that was almost worth getting into a fist fight over, and a mushroom crepe that was every bit as good.

And, the mingling was enjoyable also. A pretty good group of people, this fellow’s clientele. MTDG even ran into a colleague. Go figure.

We spent a few minutes watching people skate on the outdoor ice rink in the park beside the restaurant. A pretty darn good evening.

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Man, is it ever getting tough to find new episodes of prime time television programs. You’d almost believe that they’ve cancelled all the shows!

Which, frankly, wouldn’t make the Earth stop turning, but think about watching nothing but football and infomercials. How long would it take before you turned your TV set into an aquarium? Which I suppose was easier back when you had those big honkin’ TV sets, and not these current flat screen models. You’d probably need to find some really skinny fish…

I heard on the news today that the writers and the producers will be getting back together for more discussions this week. Why hasn’t anybody considered taping this? Talk about a reality show!! Writers ask for an extra .00003 cents for every episode aired online. Producers erupt and bring in Donald Trump, who accidentally fires the entire kitchen staff. Hey, he’s getting older, and his eyes ain’t as good as they used to be…

I should probably pitch this idea to someone that can actually make it work, eh? (see that discreet bit of Canadiana I just slipped into that sentence??) This could be my ticket to untold riches!!!

I has a dream…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Fun Facts About Canada

(A new feature, which will likely appear whenever I remember that I have launched a new feature… )

So, I’d like to enlighten readers today with some fun facts about this crazy country I live in. Not knowing where my three readers may actually be located themselves, I have deduced that some may not actually be FROM Canada, and…taking that logic one step further, may not even know much about Canada itself.

So, I have determined that for potential readers in say…Cow Pasture, Lithuania…and “Good Morning” to y’all out there…I will start to include some Fun Facts About Canada, from time to time.

So, we’ll start off today with 6 generic bits of generally general knowledge about Canada.

1) Canada is enormous, but on average, about 97% empty. There’s more bare land than there are people living here. For support of this claim, just drive through Saskatchewan, and try finding evidence of settlement or civilization anywhere…
2) Canada has a very high sky. Even if you live in a big city, one of the things you will generally begin to notice about Canada is that the sky is way the hell up there, in the sky.
3) Canada has the largest population of mosquitoes in North America. And 87% of those live in Winnipeg…
4) Canada is home to The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. How often they get mounted is anybody’s guess…
5) Canada is the country of origin for The Canadian Goose – which will crap on beaches and golf courses anywhere, regardless of geographic location. Canadian geese are pretty lackadaisical that way…
6) Canada is one of the few places in the world where a spelling bee will include words like “toque”, “eh”, and “ou est les fenetres?”

Chow for now!

Monday, January 21, 2008


It is knee—knockin’ cold out there today (-21, but -30 with the wind chill)!! You could freeze an egg on the sidewalk, if you could find a sidewalk under all the snow…

Winter in Canada – the stuff that legends are made of. Legends of palm trees swaying, in some tropical paradise…

Oh well, hypothermia is the small price we have to pay to enjoy an abundance of beavers, and Tim Horton’s coffee.

Had some fun with Windows Vista yesterday, for anybody keeping score. Just for kicks it seems, the new operating system decides to “remove” a few functioning programs from time to time. This weekend it was my wireless keyboard and mouse.

When Vista decides to terminate something, it is damn efficient at disabled said peripheral or program. You virtually have to lure Harry Potter over, to invoke some sort of magical incantation, and even then - if Harry has forgotten to bring his eye-of-newt, you’re screwed.

Someday I will come to understand how this product is supposed to enhance my computing life. For now, I just try to find softer places on the wall to bang my head in frustration, and await the day I can send this Vista operating system to a cozy resting space at the bottom of the ocean. Any ocean. As long as it’s wet, and deep…

Chow for now!!

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Man, you make one or two mentions about how “light” winter is so far this year, and suddenly you get two days of snowfall, and -17 temperatures. Go figure…the Gods Of Winter are testy….

So, I’ve spent the last couple of days shovelling the driveway, and knocking snow crystals off of my morning newspaper. We can no longer see the dull, brown grasses of our neighbourhood, once again covered under a carpet of white cloud droppings.

All of which makes it far more likely that we will stay indoors today, and sort out our vegetable crisper, or snap rubber bands at each other. We are easily amused, that way…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Chicken Scratch


Claws for concern!! Claws to be alarmed!

Dear Great Chicken, if this is a dream, PLEASE let me wake up now!! I promise, I will swear off Bacardi Jell-O shooters FOREVER!!!


I’m pretty sure I was watching Matlock last night. Yeah, yeah - that’s the ticket. Matlock. A cluckin’ Matlock marathon. Too much Andy Griffith – ya gotta start hallucinatin’, right??

I gotta get to detox. I gotta join the celebrity bandwagon, and get off the wagon. If I had any feathers left, I’d hafta get plucked, to cleanse my sorry butt-aaawks!! This is worse than my last trip to Amsterdam!!


Mama Mia, if I don’t wake up RIGHT AWAY, I’m gonna drive to the nearest Colonel Sanders Chicken Ranch, and offer myself up to the program. THAT’LL wake me up, that’s for cluckin’ sure!!!!!!!!!

Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O…..


Snap out of it, man…this is just a bad Polish sausage dream sequence! You’re alright. You’re nestled in your cozy little bed, and Banjo Boy is off somewhere doing sumthin’ stupid. All is well in the world.
All is well in the world…


Cluck!! For now!! Wake up!!!!!

Friday, January 18, 2008

Thursday, January 17, 2008

The Thursday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway" Concert Review - George Carlin

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

Funny. Funny, funny, funny...

Chow for now!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Wednesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Michael Bublé.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

OK, there seems to be a pattern emerging here, one we see at more and more live shows. It must be our advancing years or something. The pattern is – the vast majority of concerts we attend now seem to feature orchestras. As did Mr. Bublé last night at the Saddledome. A sold-out Saddledome no less…

This show was one we were both looking forward to, and may have been one of the most “fun” shows we’ve been to. He was having a ball onstage, and doing everything he could to ensure we did the same, even up in the cheap seats. He turned a lumbering hockey arena into an intimate Vegas showroom, and channelled all the playfulness of the old Rat Pack, as he trotted out his versions of classic big band swing, and contemporary crooning.

Being a Canadian touring through the Canada leg of his worldwide wander, he did a groovy version of “Fever”, which he intro’d into with a smoky jazz remake of Stompin’ Tom Connors “The Hockey Song”. A total hoot!!

Of course, I may come across as a bit biased here…

But you can’t help it. For all the guff this guy took early in his career as a Sinatra wannabe, he showcased why he’s selling out arenas in 40 countries. He’s the real deal – buckets of talent, loads of charm, and as evidenced by the ladies in the crowd last night – a whole caboodle of sex appeal. Me, I just like his singing…

However, whenever I see a show with a big orchestra, and a crooner like Bublé, I can’t help but be reminded of something I’ve never been able to live down – our first trip to Las Vegas. Where I refused to shell out a staggering $45 per person, to see Harry Connick Jr. Instead, I picked up MTDG and I tickets for the show in our own hotel, “Playboy’s Girls of Rock & Roll” (I kid you not) for a mere $10. per person, in The Sweaty Palm Lounge. We were the only couple in the room. Rarely does a day go by without a reminder of that decision…

At any rate – if you’re a fan, you know his music, and he did all his hits, plus the cover tunes that got him where he is today. A highlight was opening act Naturally 7 returning to the stage as part of a gospel choir, to kick the bejeebers out of “That’s Life”. Freakin’ astounding.

As you might guess, two thumbs up…

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Big wind storm last night. Gusts up to 100 kilometres an hour! That’s almost as fast as an Olympic sprinter on steroids!!

Speaking of steroids, I saw a news scroll on TV this morning, suggesting that R & B singer Mary J. Blige is being investigated for steroid use. How exactly is that a problem? Will she have an unfair vocal range advantage over other singers, or will it just enable her to beat Britney Spears to the next Dr. Phil session?

Inquiring minds…

Hey, how often do YOU hear phrases like:

“That bloody chicken!”


“Keep that goddam chicken out of my bed!!”

We live with two rubber chickens, both being far cheaper to maintain than kids or real animals. However, the latest addition to the Such Is Life household (Cornelius) is…um…inquisitive, I guess I would say. He turns up in the strangest places.

I think we’ve actually started to play Chicken Tag, where we will both cautiously open doors and lift covers, to see if he may be hiding there. Whoever finds him is then “it”.

Yes, we lead a sad and pathetic life, here in the Such Is Life household…

Chow for now!!

Monday, January 14, 2008

7 minutes.

That’s how long we lingered with the Golden Globes “newscast” last night. What a stinker!

I thought that the People’s Choice Awards was a bad enough presentation format, but without a doubt, that effort may be worthy of an Emmy (if the writers ever quit striking) nomination, compared to the snorefest that was the retooled Golden Globes.

Not that we live and breathe by these award shows here in the Such Is Life household, but once a year, you get a guilty pleasure out of celebrities and wannabes dressing up, and suffering through 3-4 hours of taping, hoping in the slim chance that they may walk away with a little glass globe, or gilded doll.

Actually, I think that our 7 minutes may have been padded a bit, as we were both occupied with other things while the broadcast was going on. The sheer painfulness forced us to move away from the show. Those hosts (from one of those faux celebrity news magazine shows – I will admit to not having a clue which one) were abysmal. Interjecting their own opinions among the announcements, gave the show all the class of an elementary school washroom. It would have been better if they at least had members of the Hollywood Foreign Press, or even Screech from “Saved By The Bell” – he’s got more credibility than the two they enlisted to MC the shindig. Ugh!!!!

Wattaya gonna do? The beat goes on, and next up – The Academy Awards. Held in a Denny’s with a partial view of the Hollywood sign, by a co-host of Celebrity Night Court, and Danny DeVito’s third cousin.

That’s entertainment!!

Chow for now!!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I finally decided to check out The Glenbow Museum, where “The World Meets The West”. If I’m not mistaken, the name is derived from “gle”, which is ancient Greek for “Washrooms On The Fourth Floor”, and “nbow”, which is aboriginal for “Now Accepting American Express”.

This adventure has been on our to-do list since we arrived here in Calgary, but with all the live shows and trips we take, it has been virtually impossible to squeeze in. However, there was a huge installation of Emily Carr works, entitled “New Perspectives On A Canadian Icon”, which MTDG was rather insistent we see.

For the uninitiated, Emily Carr is one of Canada’s most famous landscape and First Nation’s artists, with the single irony that considering her last name, apparently never painted automobiles. Go figure…

I should probably clarify, she wasn't First Nations herself, she travelled Canada documenting First Nations, and aboriginal icons (totem poles and such).

The Glenbow Museum is a misleading structure. You have no idea of the enormity of the collection until you start walking. Even with breaks and a brief shot of a defibrillator (I’m fine now), it took us five flippin’ hours!!

However, it was well worth the investment of our afternoon. The Emily Carr collection was astounding – we had no idea of the varying range of styles she exhibited during her career. Some of her work even resembled that European guy, Vinnie Van Gogh.

The balance of the museum was a diverse blend of history – Asia, Africa, First Nations, and at least one large buffalo. He may have just gotten lost in there himself though…

One display was a bit disappointing, we have to admit. “Dream: A Tale Of Wonder, Wisdom & Wishes” was fairly dull. Imagine those glow-in-the-dark stars you put on your child’s bedroom ceiling, and that was pretty much it.

All in all, there’s just so much to see. We got herded out at closing time with the very last section pretty much done. With what we did see, we agreed on giving the joint two hearty thumbs up.

But they were awfully tired thumbs…

Chow for now!!

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Chicken Scratch




Hey, can’t talk right now, I’m cluckin’ scuba divin’’!! You’ll have to read my mind this morning. Salt water makes me think of chicken noodle soup, so I need to keep my yap shut!!


So, despite reports earlier in the week that I may have been slow-cooked, I am clearly still away on my holiday, and currently underwater. If I still had my feathers, I’d be one soggy bird. I will say, it is pretty hard to keep my smoke lit right now…


And, I can tell ya, I ain’t missin’ Canada any, right now. Keep the snow and cold, I just might make my coop here permanent! They worship chickens down here! I’m treated like royalty – the way they keep feedin’ me, I’m practically porkin’ out! A couple more pounds, a bit more waddle, and I’m legally a duck.

Man, this scuba divin’ is somethin’ else, lemme tell ya! Although, fish seem to be a little on the dim side, mentally speakin’. Not much for conversation. And I gotta say, it smells a bit fishy down here, the longer ya stay… I don’t think these guys shower very often…


I’m huntin’ for buried treasure this mornin’. I need to fund my extra-particular activities, and rum ain’t as cheap as ya might figure, given my tropical location. If I can score a few gold doubloons, I can also pick up a few decent cigars, maybe a air-conditioned room at the hotel. Lemme tell ya, sweaty poultry bumps don’t seem to be that big a hit with the chicks down here, capeesh??


Well, I see what might be either a shipwreck, or a Buick. I’m goin’ in!!

Cluck for now!!

Friday, January 11, 2008

January 11th. Or, for my continuing “funky number” thing – 1/11…

We are clearing our plates here at the Such Is Life household, for this weekend’s presentation of the 2008 Golden Globes. Due to the ongoing writer’s strike, it will be a press conference, rather than the typical glitzy affair, with big Hollywood stars and horribly-written jokes. Should be interesting. Like taking driving lessons from Britney Spears…

We also watched one-half of the historic “Talk Show Trade-off” last night, where Jimmy Kimmel appeared on The Tonight Show, and Jay Leno was set to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Some pretty funny stuff on Leno, can’t wait to see the second half.

Seeing as how today’s posting is rather dry (OK, totally boring), I’ll leave you all with one of my favourite childhood jokes. Not a typical scenario for this space, but desperate times call for desperate measures:

What’s green, and sings?

Elvis Parsley!!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Yesterday, I may have misled readers, regarding Mrs. That Dan Guy’s habit of snoring like a 25-pound mosquito on steroids, whilst sleeping. She is flat-out denying this occurrence, most likely because she’s asleep while doing so, and entirely unaware that the noise she does make would register on the Richter Scale.

I, on the other hand (a gentle, soothing hand) make less sound while sleeping than a wave gently lapping at a shoreline, than a feather lying on a pillow.

However, MTDG would lead you to believe that I, a documented Light Sleepy Breather, am the culprit in this (totally forced) drama. I say, NOT GUILTY!!

Hey, do chickens snore?????

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, January 09, 2008


Pretty tired this morning. Not sure why, we went to bed at a reasonable hour last night. Although, it could have had something to do with Mrs. That Dan Guy snoring like a condor with nasal congestion, once she drifted off…

Funny, you’d think that I might be the one that snores in this household, but apparently (as far as I’m aware), I typically purr like a kitten – a gentle, soothing purr, that assists with relaxing Mrs. That Dan Guy, as she drifts off to saw logs with a two-toothed chainsaw.

I’m not sure why that is. I guess I’m just a light sleeper, so my breathing patterns must just follow suit, and sound like light cotton, floating on a warm summer breeze – like soap bubbles, rising every so quietly from one of those little soap bubble blowy thingies…

I’m like a human relaxation CD, without the forest noises, and babbling brooks!!

You know, I should probably pursue the possibilities of marketing my “Soothing Sounds Of Sleepytime” – maybe I could get Mrs. That Dan Guy to record me, whilst she stays awake, so as not to have the repetitive sound of a jet engine backfiring, in the background…

I must explore this some more!!

Chow for now!

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Frankly, I just don’t know how we’re going to recover from this…

I awoke today to news that The Golden Globes have been cancelled, and The Academy Awards may very well suffer the same fate. NO AWARDS SHOWS???????? For the love of Pete, what are we expected to watch?? News? CNN? Cooking and exercise programs??

You can get important, breaking news (Britney Spears Packs Green Peas Into Ears, Dr. Phil Advises On Fertilizers!)on just about any old channel or show, but NO AWARDS SHOWS!! For the love of Pete, how many red carpets will suffer because of this outrageous decision? Will Joan Rivers need to discuss fashion as common people come and go from a Wal-Mart in Idaho?

I’ve been OK with regular prime-time shows winding down, because this has allowed us to start watching the “History Of Ecru Poodles” DVD box set we ordered off of late-nite info-mercials, back in October. Fascinating, let me tell you…

However, we LIVE for awards show, here in the Such Is Life household. LIVE for them, I tell you! Why, we still have a European MTV Music Awards show on file that we need to clear off, as soon as we learn how to select the proper bow for an ecru poodle’s hair.

Writers, PLEASE – make an agreement with Hollywood, before we lose The Academy Awards! Is being fairly compensated really more important than allowing America to watch Teri Hatcher give out the award for “Best Assistant Audio Technician In A Silent Film”??

Think of the little people…

Chow for now!!

Monday, January 07, 2008

I know that the last we had heard, Charlie was enjoying some warm weather somewhere – I didn’t realize it may have been a crockpot!! Pass the potatoes!


You know, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that it’s winter, where we park our own cabooses. There hasn’t been any new snow in ages (not that I’m complaining, mind you), the thermometer has been rather mild, and my toque is starting to get just a little bit dusty. I think I like these winter Chinooks…

Another clue could’ve been the penguin I saw hitchhiking yesterday, trying to get over to Winnipeg…

So, with such a lovely stretch of mild weather in early December, does this mean I can dust off the Speedo for a trip to the beach in February? Can I start planning my siestas in the backyard sun, just a few weeks from now?

Will NHL hockey have to start winding up by early March? Which reminds me, I’ve been REALLY lax in my contributions to NHL Bloggers the past little while, so PLEASE, visit those fine folks, and peruse that fine area of Blogger

Well, looks like yet another warm winter day today, so I better get crackin’. I have to mow the lawn, and trim back the rose bushes. Oh well, it’s better than having to carve my way out of an 8’ snow drift, if you get my drift!!

Chow for now!!

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Chicken Scratch

Well, baste my buns and call me crispy – I’m so relaxed right now I could poop!


Happy Saturday, my featherless human friends. Ole Charlie decided to cut loose from Winterland, and hit the beach! While all you saps (includin’ my roommates) freeze yer patooties off, I’m getting’ a healthy golden glow on my poultry bumps, WITHOUT layin’ in a pan at 450°! Plus, the view here at the beach ain’t so bad, neither…summa you humans can really pull off a thong…

I prefer to keep my location a secret, otherwise there’d be a stampede ‘a flaky goofballs, which I ain’t in the mood to deal with right now. I need ta rest these old bones – see how salt water softens up my achin ‘ole claws.

I also need ta get this cluckin’ suntan lotion outta my eyeballs – it’s makin’ me look weepy!!


Ah, this is the pluckin’ life! I got me a hang-glidin’ date later this afternoon, and I got a keg chillin’ back in my hotel room. Once I’ve guzzled my body weight in barley an hops, I’ll see how many sea shells I can huck inta the roof of my room.

Well, better get back to the task at hand here, fleshies. While yer out freezin’ yer tootsies off wherever ya are, I got a pineapple sweatin’ beside me.

It’s a good day…


Cluck for now, losers!!

Friday, January 04, 2008

All of those folks (or just one, under different names for different cultures) could stand to use a shot of deodorant now and then…

Is this the first weekend of 2008? I really should consult a calendar, but I’d bet money that this is indeed the first weekend of 2008.

Hey speaking of betting, did I already mention that we went to check out the brand-spanking new Grey Eagle Casino, here in Calgary? No spanking, but it is one heck of a huge casino. And bingo, but frankly, bingo has no appeal for us. Too much like math with all those numbers.

We went on New Year’s Day, and after some initial success, we managed to come to understand how they keep their doors open. We said some final goodbyes to our money, as we headed out the door. Man, when you don’t win, casinos are a really bad thing!! A bit of a racket, actually. Nicely decorated mind you, but a racket nonetheless.

So, speaking of Las Vegas, I have yet to make my first visit to any of the various websites that indicate who (performers) may be coming to that sleepy little burg. I’m slipping, I guess. Maybe later today, after The Price Is Right

Finally, some parting words of advice: I know this should probably go without saying (at least now I do), but sneaking up and surprising sleeping rottweilers is NOT a good idea, no matter how funny it is when you do it to your partner…

Chow for now!!

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Whoa! Seems I had a Bobby Ewing moment yesterday! I had this weird dream that 2008 had already passed by. And the worst part – Microsoft had already launched a new operating system!! I shouldn’t have woken up…

Happily, it was all a dream, and the New Year is just getting underway. Getting underway with the return of late-night talk show hosts! Bearded no less, from what we saw of David Letterman, and Conan the Irish. I recorded Leno, but have yet to see if he also has embraced facial fur… I can confirm that Craig Ferguson had a naked face, last night.

Letterman was a gas last night, with Robin Williams as his first guest. That’s like unleashing a tornado in a mobile home park – all hell breaks loose, you just have to stay out of the way. A good note to return on. And CBS’ (Letterman’s) gang of companies is back officially, having cut a deal with the striking Writer’s Guild. Now, if only the management company for David Hasselhoff Productions could listen to reason…

Better fly – I actually have things to do today. Really!

Chow for now!!

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Well, with the New Year pretty much passed-by already, what were your major achievements in 2008? Did you do what you wanted to do? Did you change your life for the better? Did you get those hair plugs you were thinking about??

Well, here at the Such Is Life household, 2008 was pretty tame. Mrs. That Dan Guy talked me out of sending a package of loose Carpenter ants to Microsoft headquarters, and I tried with little success to master the mini-bongo I received for Drum Quest 2007. Man, that seems like such a long time ago now…

Looking forward to 2009, I must admit to being just a bit nervous about MS Windows’ new operating system – “Burnt Ozone”. Considering I never was able to make “Vista” work back in 2008, I hold little to no hope for “Ozone”…

May the programmers of these operating systems develop toothpicks in the bottom of their feet, before they begin barefoot Jumping Jacks on pavement...

Our joint exercise program for 2008 was also doomed, once the networks brought back Leno & Letterman, which we get here on early Eastern feeds. We are prisoners on our own reclining sofa…although we are fed better than prisoners you see in movies.

So, as 2008 comes to a close, we must prepare for more frivolous goals and resolutions for 2009, which we will very likely dash by mid-day, January 1.

Time flies….

Chow for now!!

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

(Whoa! Yesterday was my 666th post!! 2007 ends in the devil's hands!!)


A new year, a new conflict with Windows Vista, the operating system that makes a horse and buggy look like a Ferrari…

Today, trying to simply get online and post a few bits of silliness (as I try to do every day), my computer failed to recognize my mouse. OK, it’s wireless, but come on – even a friggin’ 1970’s Atari game system should be capable of working with something that you’ve loaded by a CD. Apparently, that’s asking too much of Windows Vista, which makes a butter churn look like the Land ‘O Lakes dairy plant.

Not only does this idiotic operating system get punked by wireless peripherals, it even gives a big “Doh” to the rest of the computer. I had to crash the system to shut it off, as even the built-in mouse couldn’t remember whether or not it liked cheese anymore.

Thank you, Windows Vista (which makes two tins cans and a strand of binder twine look like Bell AT & T), for getting my new year off to such a delightful start…

May every programmer involved with this boondoggle develop sandpaper between their thighs, just after signing up for a major marathon…

Chow for now!!