Dear Provocative Twitter Followers,

Thank you so much for taking the time to connect with me online. While I certainly appreciate the eye-popping offers and sultry photos that indicate you might be Angelina Jolie's substantially more voluptuous cousin, I must sadly decline clicking on your offshore link, which I imagine is actually a fatal computer virus, or Trojan intended to collect my identity.

Even if I were dim-witted enough to click on your link, the joke would be on you. I have been praying for an end to my Windows Vista nightmare for several years now, and a comprehensive virus might just accomplish that. Truth be told though, I can't rely on that logic, as Vista defies any and all logic when it comes to a computer operating system.

As for a phishing attack, a quick overview of my personal finances would likely elicit more sympathy than success, perhaps encouraging even the most heartless of online pirates to leave what few paltry amounts of "wealth" alone in my online accounts - or worse yet, fuel a desire to spearhead a fundraising effort on my behalf.

I know you think you are fooling me with those half-naked photos of young vixens as your screen shot identity - but this isn't my first rodeo. I know that (especially based on your own Tweets) you are more than likely a middle-aged male in some faraway land, with barely even a hint of how words string together in English.

Best of luck, kind sir. May you eventually find Interpol banging down your door, or spend countless days bent over in agony, as actual Spam refuses to pass gently through your intestines.

Your North American Pal,

Dan

Chow for now...