From The Vaults…

I stumbled across a rough draft for a column earlier today. I think it was destined for my old newspaper column, or it might even have appeared in my 2003 book "Nonsense & Stuff".

Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that now I don’t have to bang my head against the wall, trying to come up with a blog topic today.

Hallelujah!

Here, in its unedited, raw, primal form is:

How To Cheer Up The Walk-In Clinic Doctor.

Have you ever found that the average general practitioner at a walk-in clinic just doesn’t have a sense of funny ha-ha? Odds are, he or she is concentrating too darn hard on maintaining your health. Here’s a few thoughts that might get their attention, and could even crack a smile or two.

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-When you are getting your blood pressure tested, discreetly slip on a really big plastic ear, and ask if it’s normal to feel swelling.

-Come in dressed as Garfield, and insist on whisker enhancement surgery.

-At the reception desk, ask to be seated in the smoking section of the waiting room.

-Bring point form notes of symptoms you exhibit from every ailment you’ve researched, after seeing them on an episode of ER.

-Tell your doctor you’d LIKE to have gas with oily discharge, coupled with an urgent need to have bowel movements.

-Ask for a prescription for heartstring tugs.

-When they say breathe, cough. When they say cough, breathe.

-While you’re waiting for the doctor to join you in the exam room, lower their chair as far as it will go. Laugh while you can, the lawsuit will ensure you don’t try that gag again…

-OK, this isn’t funny, this is valuable advice. If you’re getting a prostate test, insist on a very thin doctor, with even thinner hands. And don’t ever make the same mistake that I did with prostrate…

-Every time the doctor brings the stethoscope towards you, faint.

-As soon as the medical office assistant tries to leave the exam room, start barking like a seal, and clapping your hands. Point to some imaginary spot on the ceiling when she looks back in.

(I’m pretty sure that piece ended up in my book….)

Chow for now!!