Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Easy…easy…

Wut a cluckin’ balancin’ act!! How do hoomans wear these stupid sun glasses??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

The sun wuz shinin’ fer about 10 minutes today, so I rifled through a few drawers here in tha coop, and dug out these shades. While they do look dashin’ on me, I can’t seem ta keep the pluckin’ things on my beakage very well! It’s like a cluckin’ see-saw!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Mebbe I need a smaller pair? Or mebbe there should be some arms or sumthin’ – a coupla stabilizers that fit on tha side a my noggin?

Mr. Monopoly duz this with just one! Why can’t I make it work with two lenses?? Mebbe my beak ain’t level enuff?

I don’t dare sneeze!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, speakin’ a nuttin’ in particular, is the new Rock Band “Glee” edition out yet? With these funky shades, I could really groove ta a few cool cover tunes, a la those nerds on that TV show.

I wonder if that version comes with cheerleader costumes????

Cheeky wee poultries…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now, ya feather-deprived hair-wearers!!

Hmmm.

Methinks me waddle has taken on a life of its own…

My chin area is now the forefront of an area that when I begin to shave every morning, is sort of like kneading Silly Putty – but wobblier. Maybe “gobble”-ier would be more appropriate?

I think I could have been a bullfrog in another life!

Better take some of the clothes and neckties off of the treadmill, and see if I have any sweat pants anywhere in the closet.

Egads…

Chow for now!!

WHOO-HOO!!

WOOT WOOT!!

HUZZAH!!

Thanks, readers and listeners – over 200 episodes of my podcast interview "Talkin' With" series downloaded, in a single month – if I knew anything at all about math, I could say with some confidence that the program has grown remarkably from when I first launched it.

Cool…

Now I guess I had better keep loading interesting new episodes, to keep up the momentum.

Perhaps I could hum a few pop songs? Recite some Shakespeare? Gargle?

Or maybe just stick with what seems to be working quite well…

Chow for now!

In this current era of “celebrity”, where pretty much anyone with the IQ of a dime and an apparent inability to remember to wear underwear when venturing outside their home, there are thankfully still talented individuals with immense presence with respect to their chosen craft.

Sadly, there’s one less, with the recent passing of Canadian actor Maury Chaykin, whose credits ran the gamut of both TV and film, most roles resonating long after the show or movie was relegated to the digital storage facility.

For me, his most outstanding role was the crazed general in “Dances With Wolves”, a stunning film to begin with, but even more unforgettable as Chaykin’s character unravels into suicide. This past year, I’ve often compared that character to leaders in certain companies we’re familiar with, here in the Such Is Life household.

There are actors that have an innate ability to own the screen while they are appearing on it. He absolutely was one of them…

Chow for now!

So close – almost a cigar!

As of this morning, 176 varied episodes of my podcast interview series have been downloaded from the various sites it is available (for free I might humbly add). This would be the first month I hit the 200 download mark, if only a few more people were to visit and download (for free, I might humbly add) an episode or two.

If you have an iTunes account (and really, what sane person these days wouldn’t?), I’d also like to ask another small favour of you – if you would be so kind as to rank the site, or even write a review:

http://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/thatdanguys-podcast/id332503364

And be sure to visit before the end of the month!

Thanks, and….

Chow for now!

Cheater Post!

Turns out I can get away with a little wiggle room with today’s post – I only have to post a little preamble, and with the magic of this here link:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=6056 you get sent to a full column of mine, freshly posted online.

Gotta love technology!

Chow for now!!

I discovered yesterday, much to my surprise, that you don’t need to keep wearing the thimble, if you aren’t actually sewing anything together.

Who knew? Maybe now that poor fingertip will get to tan like the rest of them...

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Holy Pluck!

I better mow the cluckin’ lawn this afternoon…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now!!

Today I intend on finding a nice safe place ( a church perhaps…), and I will light a candle for Saint Patrick – who is apparently the patron saint of luck. If he were the patron saint of dumb luck, it would be even more appropriate.

Here’s why I feel that we need to offer up a little token of our thanks.

For the past few months we’ve had our home up for sale, in a brutal market here in Calgary. In an ongoing effort to add a little more appeal, we would burn a scented candle prior to showings, as a technique similar to baking fresh bread, or having an ocean breeze wafting in the windows during the viewing. Not much wafting ocean breezes available here in the prairies.

Well, during a home inspection yesterday, it was determined that we had a natural gas leak, from the fireplace in our family room. At any time, one of those candles we burned could have added more ka-blooey than cozy ambience.

We’ve now had that attended to, and thank our lucky stars that we somehow managed to avoid having a convertible residence. We’ve grown accustomed to having a roof over our heads, and we’ll keep it that way…

Here’s to dumb luck…

Chow for now!!

Stage West Calgary

“Two Pianos Four Hands”

Interview, Tom Frey & Patrick Burwell

Once again, I must rely on the sorcery of modern technology. If you convert today’s post to an RSS feed, a magical link to a podcast interview with the two talented stars of Stage West Calgary’s current production of “Two Pianos Four Hands” – a terrific glance at the world of aspiring classical pianists, or anyone who’s ever struggled to learn to play a musical instrument.

You can also just find the dang thing at http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/webpage , or you can download it for free from iTunes by searching “thatdanguy’s podcast”.

Enjoy!

Chow for now!!

(WHOOPS! Updated site RSS link doesn't work - just use the other methods until I figure this out)

Even though the virus e-mails that used to arrive routinely over the years has slowed down, every once in awhile some twit decides to try drifting one by my in-box.

The latest (yesterday) was sent to an e-mail address that I don’t really use anymore, but have been a bit too lazy to shut down entirely. Plus, I hate to part with things generally…

But I digress. The point is, these off-shore wackos try to entice you to click on the virus-riddled links, with something meant to pique your curiosity. In this case, a nonsensical sentence with someone’s name, that could only be interpreted vaguely as something like “needle pasture running bacon mother airplane Monica Seles”.

Huh?

Yeah, that’s absolutely a legit e-mail, and I will HAVE to click to see a tennis star running with bacon?

DELETE…..

Chow for now!

Random Headline, on the Yahoo! Canada homepage earlier:

“Man Caught Smuggling 18 Monkeys in Girdle at Mexico Airport”

First off, kudos to the gentleman for his “I-Can-Do-This”, power of positive thinking, believing that a “master plan” like that just might fly (no pun intended…OK, well, maybe just a little…)

Second, how fortuitous to have the foresight to be wearing a girdle, just when you’re hatching a plan to smuggle 18 LIVE monkeys onto an airplane – likely while whistling nonchalantly, and commenting to fellow passengers on the chance of precipitation, this time of year.

Third – I wish I could have been a fly on the wall to see the eyebrows lifting as this clown approached the security check-in – likely hoping to explain the multiple chattering and occasional shrieks of concealed monkeys as “bad guacamole”.

Makes you wonder what he tells his fellow prisoners, when they ask him what he’s in for.

Aye Caramba!

Chow for now!!

Poor Betty White…

Even though she’s on yet another meteoric career arc, irony is never too far away.

Not that I’m particularly aware of any major irony factor where Betty White is concerned, but I did happen upon a bit of somewhat humorous irony just the other day regarding the centuries-old actress, and I did need something to post this morning – so work with me here, people!

As I was saying…

I was wandering around a Best Buy store a day or so ago, and noticed a section of TV box sets. I started to make my way along the aisle alphabetically, which is where I came across a set of “Golden Girls” DVDs – the long-running hit series of which White is now the sole-surviving cast member.

The irony was located right next to that set – a collection from Playboy’s “Girl’s Next Door” – about as far removed from Golden Girls as I imagine you could ever get.

Only in the video section, would the twain ever meet…

Ooo-Eee - Whut up wit dat, whut up wit dat???

Chow for now!!

TRUTH – Ever & Always, Stranger Than Fiction

“This Is My Life”, Episode 1277

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

While Mrs. That Dan Guy was at work, we had a showing on our home. I had to vacate, and she suggested I just head over to our local tavern, and have a beer in air-conditioned comfort, while the Realtor and his clients were perusing our home.

So, I settled into nursing a pint, along with a selection of newspaper sections I haven’t been able to get to this past week. Over in the other end of the bar, there’s a group of young ladies clearly celebrating something, as there are balloons bobbing from strings around most of their chairs.

I determine to make my way through my stack of newspapers.

About 20 minutes into my beer nursing and studious newspaper perusing, I am approached by a small delegation from the aforementioned table of young ladies, including one wearing some sort of festive tinfoil crown. She apparently is a young bride-to-be, out for her stagette with friends, and they have set up a sort-of “scavenger hunt” for her – essentially a small list of to-do’s before her I do’s.

She is clearly already loosened up by the festivities and beverages, and announces that she requires (for her scavenger hunt list) a hug.

Here’s the kicker – she needs a hug from…a bald guy. And somehow, in this darkened neighbourhood watering hole – I fit the bill.

Swell…

Ever happy to oblige, and with my trademark good spirits, she is able to check that requirement from her list, and the delegation heads back over to Balloon-ville.

I get back to my newspapers, and admit grudgingly to myself that maybe there is more Friar Tuck than Frere Hair Amok lately.

About 5 minutes later, the group is once again in full approach mode – I worry that the next requirement is carbon-dating to see if I might be a fossil of some sort.

Happily, the next check-mark on the bride’s list is to buy a beer – for a cute guy!

My confidence restored, I enjoy both of my beverages, and when enough time has passed to return home seems appropriate, I vamoose.

Only in the Such Is Life household, I swear….

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by one wiry piece of poultry, on Saturdays…)

Today: Coffee Chat, With Charlie.

Howdy, humans!

This mornin’, ole Charlie’s gonna present his “Ode Ta Caffeine” – the lifeblood of any reasonable human bean. Or chicken, it would also appear…

Ahem…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Here we go…

“Coffee, Coffee, It’s So Cluckin’ Good,

Coffee, Coffee, it don’t taste like wood.

Coffee, Coffee, oh fuzzy Mama yer so divine,

(BUK-AAAAWK!!!!)

Coffee, Coffee – is there one that tastes like wine?”

Oh yeah, baby! I loves me my coffee – couldn’t start my day without it.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, I oughta submit my poetry ta a literary magazine! That’s there’s award-winnin’ prose, lemme tell ya!

Or I could always go with my famous: “There once was a chicken from Nantucket…”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now…

Every once in a while, I come across one of my old newspaper columns, lurking in the shadows online.

Not sure if I’ve ever posted a link to this one before, but isn’t it always timely to get some good advice?

Isn’t it always timely just to find something to fill blog site space??

Enjoy:

http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=146117

Chow for now!

Wild Life!

(Well, semi-domesticated wildlife anyway…)

I’ll be honest with you – I’m not sure why I shot this clip sideways – I hadn’t been drinking when I spotted the little guy outside our garage. I think I just moved the phone sideways, not realizing that the video would end up looking like I was half-hammered midway through shooting it.

Oh well, at least I didn’t do an Elmer Fudd, and REALLY shoot Bugs!

The things you see when you put out the recycling…

Chow for now!!

I refuse to start our furnace in the middle of freakin’ July…no way, Jose!

Unbelievably, we’re in the middle of some sort of relentless downpour, connected no doubt in some way to the annual Calgary Stampede in town now, trying to attract locals and tourists alike (much like my raft idea). Instead of sunny skies and warm caressing sunshine, we’ve had enough waterworks falling from the sky to irrigate Jupiter.

With the rain comes the cold – entirely far-too-frigid temperatures for this time of year, albeit I’m happy to report no snow.

Yet…

So, we are monitoring our fingertips for signs of frostbite (in the flippin’ house, for Pete’s sake…), and I am doing everything I can to avoid turning on the furnace. We’ve had jive dance contests, Jumping Jack marathons, and I’m in the process of moving our trampoline inside, to park it in front of the TV. Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are nothing, if not shamelessly creative.

The cold and rain are interesting, considering that other parts of Canada are being cod-walloped by a heat wave. Either they are holding said warm weather hostage, or the sun has decided to holiday out East for a few weeks. Hey, who needs fat cattle anyway?

Well, once the rain passes, I’ll be griping about the hot spell. It’s what I do.

Hey, did you know that Regis and Kelly, from the popular American TV program “Regis & Kelly” are filming here in Canada this week? In the beautiful warm sunshine of Prince Edward Island. Hmmm… Conspiracy theorists might make a few grumblings about that coincidence…

Chow for now!!

Building a Raft (for leisure, fun or profit)

Seeing as how we are filthy with rivers in this city, I have decided to pull a page from a great American literary classic, and use this summer to build myself a raft – a la Huckleberry Finn – to navigate these great waterways throughout the city.

Sure, it could be argued that the multitudes are already utilizing these rivers, albeit with flimsy flotation devices, and occasionally even rather sturdy water-ready floaty things.

I, on the other hand, will hew a raft from the wood of the surrounding forest, like a great Canadian lumberjack. I will lash these fallen logs together, with great vines and thinner branches, and fill in any potential holes with mud from the banks of the estuary.

I will install a skookum Captain’s Chair, because at my age, I’d just be inviting varicose veins if I stood too long piloting this craft…

Yes, I will fabricate a vessel from nature that will inspire locals and tourists alike to clamber aboard, as we set sail…err..oar…for points I frankly have yet to discover myself. Like Huck, I will learn to whistle, and charm the passengers on my raft by eating grasshoppers.

Or maybe I’ll just wear a straw hat. I want to try and be as authentic as possible, without actually being on the Mississippi.

This sounds like the adventure of the summer. I can’t foresee a single flaw in THIS plan!

Chow.

For now…

All Aboard!!!

Sigh…

Another Monday Morning. In no particular order, I’ve going to have to:

-trim the dog’s toenails,

-shave the dog,

-boil some jump-impaired frogs,

-check my lobster traps,

-whittle,

-walk the dog,

-mow ¼ of the lawn,

-try again to invent pop-peas or pop-beans,

-buy a dog to walk, shave, and trim his toenails,

-find my ice cubes recipe,

It never ends…

Chow for now!

Harp!

What like through wander lentil brakes?

Tis July Yet, and the east be the son.

Uh…a rope by any other mane…alas, pure Warwick – I newt him well…

Out out, dam snot!!

You can’t handle the troop!

Too cheep, perchance to clean…

(Chow for now…)

Chicken Scratch

(posted by an increasingly worrisome, perpetually recurring guest blogger…)

HAK!! HAK!!

Pardon me – tha fumes is ob-nock-shush here…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!

Howdy humans, Happy Saterday ta alla ya!

Ole Charlie’s just attendin’ ta a bit a fixin’ up – I’m about ta paints me a masterpiece.

I think I’m gonna do a mural a Justin Beiber – that dude is just plain awesome!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Or mebbe Lady GaGa – we’ll see how much sparkly I got in this here canna Spackle…

I wuz just supposed ta cover over the holes me and Cornelius made last week, huckin’ beer caps against the wall fer fun, but ain’t a mongo-huge picktchur a The “Bieb” a better idea?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HAK!! HAK!!!

Sorry tha fumes is makin’ my beak weak…I think I just spotted a herd a leapin’ sheep over in the corner – I must be loosin’ my mind…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, pitter-patter, better get back atter. This would be sooooo much easier if I had thumbs…

Cluck fer now!

Second Evening – Counting Frogs…

Well, after a complete debacle the night before trying to count sheep as I lay in bed attempting to fall asleep (unlike Mrs. That Dan Guy – blissfully snoring away like a blender crushing ice cubes and medium-sized gravel), I decided I might try counting frogs instead.

The traditional sheep counting hadn’t worked out. Looking at other avenues, I reckoned that frogs hopped, and if enough of them lined up on an infinite number of lily pads, I’d be set – blissful slumber would finally be mine!

Not my best idea, it turns out. Frogs don’t exactly leap on demand, even if they do just have to hop over a fence that's lower than a prostrate paper clip. When you stop to think about it, how often do you ever see a frog leaping around, except in cartoons?

To compound matters, when you do manage to line up an infinite number of frogs, on an infinite number of lily pads, who knew they’d get to chatting, and griping about that celebrity octopus that predicts the World Cup soccer winners?

“Ribbit-ribbit-show-off squid…”

“Ribbit-ribbit-see-how-smart-he-is-as-calamari…”

SHEESH! I need to count something, people – NOT listen to a bunch of obese toads griping about other water-dwellers with more celebrity cachet than themselves!

After researching recipes online (Garlic Basted Frog’s Legs…maybe I’ll count how many servings of those I can snarf down…), I determined that I better get back to mammals. If deer are mammals, then I’m set for tonight. I know they can jump over fences. Maybe I’ll hire a couple of wolves to make sure they don’t get distracted.

Only in the Such Is Life household, I’m sure…

Chow for now!

I was counting sheep the other night while trying to fall asleep, and was doing pretty good, as each consecutive sheep managed to vault over a little picket fence and scamper off into the distance. I’ll be darned if one of the little beggars didn’t trip over the fence though, just as I was almost asleep.

Well, you wouldn’t have believed the commotion in my head – sheep ambulances began to arrive, and sheep paramedics scrambled to assess the fallen sheep’s condition. You’d think one sheep bleating was bad enough, but a few of the younger ones in the crowd started in with sympathy bleating.

Soon enough, there was a growing cacophony of bleats, which caused the sheep paramedics to struggle with focusing on their patient. Even though the fallen sheep did seem to be suffering from some sort of injury, he was quite clearly still conscious, as evidenced by his infernal bleating. One sheep paramedic, clearly rattled by the racket, decided to give the victim a round of the cardio paddles.

Well, if you think sheep hair (would that be wool if it’s still on the sheep in question?) is curly just by itself, imagine what it looks like when it’s wet with sweat from building up a good head of steam to try jumping over a fence, then electrified. The damn sheep looked like a ripe dandelion with ears, about to blow apart in the wind.

Then the sheep, even as injured as he may have been, sprung up like one of those cartoon cats, pell-melled his hooves in the air frantically, and ran off in the opposite direction of the fence. The rest of the herd followed, which pretty much quashed any hopes I had of resuming my count.

Tonight, I intend on counting frogs. And they’ll have a very low fence to contend with, let me tell you…

Chow for now!!

From The Vaults…

I stumbled across a rough draft for a column earlier today. I think it was destined for my old newspaper column, or it might even have appeared in my 2003 book "Nonsense & Stuff".

Who knows? Who cares? All I know is that now I don’t have to bang my head against the wall, trying to come up with a blog topic today.

Hallelujah!

Here, in its unedited, raw, primal form is:

How To Cheer Up The Walk-In Clinic Doctor.

Have you ever found that the average general practitioner at a walk-in clinic just doesn’t have a sense of funny ha-ha? Odds are, he or she is concentrating too darn hard on maintaining your health. Here’s a few thoughts that might get their attention, and could even crack a smile or two.

************************************************************************

-When you are getting your blood pressure tested, discreetly slip on a really big plastic ear, and ask if it’s normal to feel swelling.

-Come in dressed as Garfield, and insist on whisker enhancement surgery.

-At the reception desk, ask to be seated in the smoking section of the waiting room.

-Bring point form notes of symptoms you exhibit from every ailment you’ve researched, after seeing them on an episode of ER.

-Tell your doctor you’d LIKE to have gas with oily discharge, coupled with an urgent need to have bowel movements.

-Ask for a prescription for heartstring tugs.

-When they say breathe, cough. When they say cough, breathe.

-While you’re waiting for the doctor to join you in the exam room, lower their chair as far as it will go. Laugh while you can, the lawsuit will ensure you don’t try that gag again…

-OK, this isn’t funny, this is valuable advice. If you’re getting a prostate test, insist on a very thin doctor, with even thinner hands. And don’t ever make the same mistake that I did with prostrate…

-Every time the doctor brings the stethoscope towards you, faint.

-As soon as the medical office assistant tries to leave the exam room, start barking like a seal, and clapping your hands. Point to some imaginary spot on the ceiling when she looks back in.

(I’m pretty sure that piece ended up in my book….)

Chow for now!!

Today's Post: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH!

OK, I may be exaggerating just a bit…

Click on the link below, to view footage of when I was attacked by…a Canadian goose, in Boston…he must have been on holidays as well.

http://www.youtube.com/user/thatdanguy1#p/a/u/0/PJBIlz7w5bc

Oh, the horror! I still wake up in a cold sweat, just thinking about it…

Remember, I warned you…

Chow for now!!

Good morning, Texas!

And a belated Happy Fourth Of July to you!

Statistics are an amazing tool if you happen to post content into new media. Using Google Analytics, I accidentally discovered that many of these blog posts climb to the top of Google search results (I know…hard to even imagine, but there’s no accounting for online taste).

This morning, I utilized tracking stats for my podcast interview series:

http://thatdanguy.libsyn.com/

The last couple of months the shows have been going mini-viral, recently topping well over 400 downloads. This month so far I’m just under 50, and that’s with no new content!!

But the surprise for this Calgary-area dude is that my largest numbers of subscribers are in TEXAS!!! Now, I’ve always said that Alberta is the Texas of Canada, so this discovery truly supports that contention.

And, it means I have to get off my caboose and get some new content loaded in there. In the next short while, I’ll have an interview with the two stars of Stage West Calgary’s “Two Pianos Four Hands”, plus an interview with a popular improv comedy troupe from New Orleans, recorded a few years back. I also hope to get back to Kelowna soon, to interview a rising star in the music world there that I’m a big fan of, and a fellow author who has just released a new book.

The internet is a hungry beast – I will try to continue to feed it.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Howdy, humans!

Top a tha morn ta ya!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Jus readin’ my Sunday funnies (I already red the terrific Stage West review from yesterday…scroll down if ya missed it…) – Ijust looove that wacky ole Garfield!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Some days it just takes a bit longer to get goin’ in tha mornin’ – which is why I cherish the cartoons sections. When my beak is kinda droopy, or my pinfeathers needs a bit more recreational relaxin’ – the funnies gimme that break in my day – even if I did technically just roll outta bed a few minutes ago…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sheesh! When is that spinny Archie ever gonna choose between those two chicks he’s hot for?? Although, he could just move ta Utah, and has his cake plus heat it too… That’s what we do anyhoo in the “wild kingdom”.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Moldy Feather Pluckers! How long can Dagwood possibly run that gag about 3-foot high sandwiches?? If I wuz Blondie, I’d be checkin’ out some online datin’ services – this guy ain’t got much depth…

Well, it’s been fun, but some a these cartoons got real small print, and I needsta focus. Literally.

Cluck fer now!!

2 Pianos makes for magic onstage (Calgary Herald, 03 Jul 2010, Page C4)

Stage West Calgary Review Calgary Herald

---

2 Pianos makes for magic onstage
Dan St. Yves
Calgary Herald
03 Jul 2010

The play 2 Pianos 4 Hands begins and ends with tuxedos and tails, grand musical flourishes, and in between runs a broad scale of flawless technical precision on twin grand pianos. As dinner theatre goes, the latest Stage West production ramps things up...read more...

Tech Tags: Calgary Herald newspaper ENTERTAINMENT

Whoa!

Post-Canada Day doldrums, I think. Having no small amount of struggles getting going this morning.

Or I’m just having one of those days where I don’t really feel like I have anything to scribble about. I have been meaning to write about my dry heels, to see if anyone out there has any suggestions. Or I could wonder aloud (written) why snakes take so darn long to digest their meals – especially big snakes like pythons, that can swallow whole water buffalos, and then you have to watch the whole thing – hooves, horns and all, as it makes a lazy lengthy journey through the snake’s gullet.

Nature – one wacky possibility – and technically, I think that qualifies as a bit of a post….

Chow for now!!

NOTE: In light of this being Canada Day, I am giving my grey matter the day off, and recycling an old column. Which technically may indeed have been born in this space initially, but who’s quibbling?

Really, who is it? I want names…

Here’s a (recycled) toast to our country:

Fun Facts About Canada

1) Canada is comprised of 10 (Maybe 9. Could be 11 - I really should confirm this for you…) “provinces”, which are much like U.S. ‘states”, except that 90 % of a province’s population will live in one large city, with most of the rest of that province remaining wide open. For all I know, dinosaurs still roam outside of major Canadian cities…

2) Canada has TWO official languages – English, and French. Any product sold in Canada must have both official languages on ALL of their printed matter, which assists citizens in reading the official language of their choice. Except for Spanish-speaking citizens, who pretty much have to gamble whenever they buy a product, not knowing if it might be Chicken Noodle Soup, or a quart of eggshell house paint…

3) Canada has a love affair with hockey. Over the years, we’ve cheated on hockey with curling, lacrosse, football, baseball, and basketball. Hey, when you have two official languages, you really believe the rules don’t apply to you… Hockey always takes us back, with open arms…

4) Canada has a very temperate climate, rarely ever dropping below +20 Celsius. (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! My fingers are soooooooooooo cold right now…)

5) Canada maintains some ties with that overseas country, the one with the big-eared Royal Family. As a matter of fact, the Queen is still pictured on a lot of our currency. Has been for decades. However, we look forward to the new currency coming soon from our Royal Canadian Mint – The “Celine Dion” twenty dollar bills, and the “Alex Trebek” Jeopardy series of commemorative coins…

6) Canada is enormous, but on average, about 97% empty. There’s more bare land than there are people living here. For support of this claim, just drive through Saskatchewan, and try finding evidence of settlement or civilization anywhere…

7) Canada has a very high sky. Even if you live in a big city, one of the things you will generally begin to notice about Canada is that the sky is way the hell up there, in the sky.

8) Canada has the largest population of mosquitoes in North America. And 87% of those live in Winnipeg…

9) Canada is home to The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. How often they get mounted is anybody’s guess…

10) Canada is the country of origin for The Canadian Goose – which will crap on beaches and golf courses anywhere, regardless of geographic location. Canadian geese are pretty lackadaisical that way…

11) Canada is one of the few places in the world where a spelling bee will include words like “toque”, “eh”, and “ou est les fenetres?”

Chow for now, fellow Canucks!