Chicken Scratch

Alright, lissen up everybody. I got my Blue Cross certy-fication last week, and I'm now authorized to give you some safety tips for this long weekend...

First lesson - booze and floatin' don't mix. If you're gonna get snapped on Schnapps, stay out of the cluckin' pool!! I may be a semi-professional lifeguard now, but I don't wanna be givin' mouth-to-mouth to some slob that still has chili burger in his jowls!! I'm slatherin' on SPF 3 so that I can score some chicks, NOT a hernia pullin' Free Willie outta a wadin' pool...

Second lesson - Heat stroke. If ya stay out in the sun too long, you may pass out. Good for you! that's what it feels like, for all my brothers and sisters under heating lamps everywhere. What goes around, comes around, you deep-fried barbarians!!!

Third lesson - cuts and bruises. If ya hit skin hard enough, it's gonna break open. So (and this may sound a little rudimentary) DON'T have any accidents!! Even though I gotta minor degree in "Gauze Application", I don't need no freakin' mammal blood gettin' on my Eddie Bauer linen T's....

Fourth (and final) lesson - CPR. In the unlikely event that you might need emergency resuscitation, please be advised that you ain't lived till you been "slipped a little beak". It will be my pleasure to answer the age-old question: do chickens got teeth??

Cluck for now!!