Come this time of year, my thoughts turn to very serious matters - dandelion control, propane levels in my gas grill, and finding the worst possible televised train wreck, to watch over the next few weeks.

I"VE FOUND IT!!!

"The Next Big Thing - Greatest Celebrity Impersonator" debuted last night, and this is so far beyond train wreck you'd have to lay down new tracks to reach it!!

How bad is it? Well, if you surf The Google with "Next Big Thing", it doesn't even come up!! Even my neighbor's dog Spurs comes up, in surfing The Google. You really have to add the whole title, or it doesn't rank at all...

The show itself? Well, for starters, how about a host and judges that even the best-connected entertainment know-it-alls have probably never heard off? Does that suit your fancy? These guys couldn't get arrested for stealing time, which is their greatest crime after the first hour last night.

And the "greatest celebrity impersonators"??? I'll admit, there were one or two accidental talents on the show, but overall - HUMONGOUSLY HORRENDOUS!! John Byner would be rolling over in his grave, waking up Rich Little to warn him of their shattered legacies (what, they're dead, aren't they??)...

This is absolutely must-see TV, if you enjoy cringing in sheer horror at what human beings honestly believe to be talent...

I LOVE IT!!!

Chow for now!!

Yesterday I completed six weeks of topical treatment for skin cancer. That was the follow-up prescribed, after the dermatologist snipped the initial piece of offending, questionable skin off. Somewhere, a tiny fleck of my flab is floating in a test tube, or has already been medically disposed of. The loss has not helped me fit into my jeans any easier, I must admit...

So, how am I celebrating the end of the treatment? Well, for one thing I will no longer have to remember the discipline required to attend to that task every frigging day. It added several seconds to my morning routine, which quite frankly I resented. I could have been spending that time playing Free Cell, or online Black Jack. We'll never know (I suppose) if I may have had a chance to face off against the bass player from Maroon 5 in Celebrity High Stakes Black Jack, and that troubles me...

All that time spent, these past six weeks has also probably hindered my partying and boozing. Who knows, I may have been the one person that finally got through to that poor, misguided Lindsay Lohan (get through to her maybe, but I still wouldn't have accepted a car ride while hitchhiking from her...I ain't THAT crazy!!)

I guess we'll just have to see what the future holds for those extra few daily seconds now, each and every day a fresh chance to do something new and meaningful in my life.

For today, we'll start with a fresh game of Free Cell.

Chow for now!!

Shiver me timbers, maties!! Ahoy, and swabbie on the deck!! Today's column is gonna be soggier than a soda cracker from Davey Jones' locker!! Rrrrr!!!!

That's right people - this past weekend, we finally broke down, and went to see the big summer "blockbuster" movie - Spiderman 3!

In a theatre. With hundreds of screaming young fans. And a barrel of popcorn that must have been sprinkled with golden flakes...

Actually, we caught a matinee screening, so there were less than a hundred fans in the theatre. There may have been less than fifty. I mean, Spiderman 3 is already a week or two old, so the hysteria is pretty much over and done with. I think the throngs may have been out looking for ogres or peer-ats. We had our choice of any seat in the house, of which we chose to sit in two.

So, how did Spidey stack up this time around? Well, not to sound blasphemous, but I thought this one had lots going on, with nothing much happening. Loads of cool new special effects, an extra love interest for Spidey, and almost three hours of action. But no emotional connection. It didn't tangle me in its web, not even once.

Don't get me wrong. It didn't suck. But it didn't stay with me either. Kinda like one of Tom Cruz's Mission Unpoppable movies - interesting while it's on, but gone forever after it's finished - mental cotton candy.

Will that prevent me from seeing Spiderman's 4-12?? Not freakin' likely!!!

What MIGHT stop me is spending 80 dollars for a bag of day-old popcorn, with more unpopped kernels, than puffy whitish/yellow ones. This is the second time we got popcorn that could be carbon-dated. If you're gonna charge caviar prices for a product, at least have the decency to make it the same day!! This stuff tasted like toe jam!!

Sorry...maybe it was just me...

At any rate, Spiderman 3 - for our money, not all that great. But don't let that stop you from checking it out. It may be YOUR cup of tea...

Chow for now!!

This past weekend we had some family visit, from the Okanagan. Where it has been almost 30 degrees most days. Where snow hasn't been seen since...the 1990's...

Aside from the snowfall for their first day of the trip, it turned out to be not too shabby, after all. I think the thermometer may have gone up to 20-ish for Saturday, when we hit the Calgary Zoo. You can never get enough zoo...

Actually, it was a better visit than the first time we had gone by ourselves, last year. I think the animals were holding job action last year - they were extinct from viewings...

This time, we saw virtually every advertised animal, and loads of their respective bambinos. Some just hours old - gross -clean the dang critters up, for Pete's sake!!

We walked for about 4 hours, all in all, then came home and collapsed. This is our first time out of bed since Saturday afternoon. If it weren't for the Doritos in our night table drawer, we may have perished...

Happily, we survived, and at least one of my legs seems to have circulation again. I'll be back playing competitive Ping-Pong in no time!!

Chow for now!!

The Sunday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review” – Mary Wilson of The Supremes...

(or, "Why I Will Never be A Professional Concert Reviewer…")

Editor's Note: Once again, this really should have been a "Saturday Morning" concert review, as we saw Ms. Wilson Friday night, but that cursed anorexic, chain-smoking chicken rules the roost here on Saturday mornings…

Ugh…

At any rate, we did indeed get to see another living legend Friday night, Mary Wilson – The Original "Dream Girl", one of the original Supremes, back in the day - with Diana Ross, and Florence Ballard.

Funny how it goes. Just across the street from last night’s show, we saw a live production of Dream Girls. Then we saw the movie when it rolled through town. It all comes full circle by seeing Ms. Wilson peform live.

Two words: Wow!

What a show! At a glowing 63 years old, this lady still hits every note, and a few more you weren’t even expecting!!

From cool cover tunes from artists like Joe Cocker, The Rolling Stones, Robert Palmer and more - not to mention just about ALL of The Supremes hits – “Love Child” “You Can’t Hurry Love” “Baby Love” “Stop In The Name Of Love” and on and on…she rocked the joint. Mrs. That Dan Guy even hit the dance floor, and not literally! You can't sit still for that stuff!!

Sure, you could argue that Diana Ross was the dominant voice of most of those songs. Well, we’ve seen Diana Ross live too…and Ms. Wilson is more than capable of doing the songs justice. She was there, for Pete's sake!!

On a side note, and to carry on this Dream Girls string - one of her back-up singers looked like Eddie Murphy, who played a James Brown-styled character in the movie version. Well, I thought it was interesting, anyway...

A great night out!!

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Well, I'da thought I wouldn't still be needin' this crap by now, but not here in Cowtown!!

Yeah, that's right - snow skiis, snowshoes, all I need to find is my wooly red Voyageur toque.

The snow is gone today, but can you believe it? Shovellin' snow in May?? I never thought I'd ever embrace the idea of coatin' myself in batter, but at least that would keep my cluckin' pinfeathers warm!!

So, do Speedos here come with earmuffs? Flip-flops fit inside galoshes?? With all that modern science can do, why do we still have to suffer with WINTER???

Ah, wattaya gonna do? My natural predators (Col. Sanders, Albert & Walter) spend winters in Florida, which allows me more freedom here to hit the slots and horses. So, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow, Baby-Cakes!

Lookin' back at that picture up top, I seem to be reposin' in an unnatural angle, what with my neck and all. Looks like I maybe told Tony Soprano to go blow bubbles. Happy to report that I am just double-jointed, in my neck. Not to worry.

And no, I didn't recently escape a wringin'... My head ain't goin' anywhere soon.

Except maybe to a local card table - Daddy feels an inside straight comin' on!!!

Cluck for now!

What's that green stuff on the ground, around our house??

Why, I think it's grass!! Summer must be coming...

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Visiting family members had a chance to view first-hand the volatility of our climate here, as I had to shovel snow (un-freakin' believable...) for their arrival yesterday. It had pretty much melted by lunchtime, but better safe than sorry. We do live pretty close to Canada Olympic Park, but doing sudden ski jumps in our driveway is one lawsuit I hope to avoid..

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"Pirates Of The Caribbean - Third Kick At The Cashbox" opens today. Which reminds me of a joke I heard on the radio yesterday:

Why couldn't the little girl go see the Pirates movie?
Because it was rated "Rrrrrr"!!

Ha ha ha ha ha!!

Rated "Rrrrr"!! Get it, matey??

Pirates will be the third of three recent third franchise sequels we have yet to catch. We really need to do some catching up. Spidey, Shrek and Depp, with generous helpings of popcorn.

Chow for now!!

This is a photo taken about 15 minutes ago, from our front stoop. Yes, today is MAY 24.

The funny thing is, we have family arriving from the Okanagan later today for a visit, and they don't even get this sort of weather during the freakin' winter!! So, leave those shorts in the suitcase folks, we're goin' tobogganin'!!!

This white stuff fell overnight, and it must have been ambitious, because it had only been lightly snowing earlier in the evening, when Mrs. That Dan Guy and I went for a walk. I haven't looked at my tulips yet, but I fear they may be shivering in mortal fear of their lives.

Or, a neighborhood rabbit has already chewed them into pellets, and the snow won't really matter anyway...

So, wherever you are today, should there be a warm ray of sunshine, think of us shoveling the driveway here...

Chow for now!

We are a house divided, as of late last night...

With the Anaheim Ducks winning their (totally exciting) round of the Stanley Cup finals, I will now be rooting for them, while someone else here in the house will be supporting the lone Canadian team left in the race. Good luck with that...

On the Stanley Cup playoffs - I am downright spooky. Here I was, a few mornings back, trying to come up with something to fill this space at 7 AM. I made a few cavalier predictions, ALL OF WHICH CAME TRUE!!!

What makes it sad, so so very sad, is that for a couple of people that enjoy the odd visit to the horse racing track, or a casino, WE DIDN'T BET ON ANY OF THIS!! I was right on every single outcome,and I didn't bet on it, ANYWHERE!!!

I could be rich right now! Rich beyond belief! I could be driving one of those Segway personal scooters to the neighborhood Starbucks! I could be eating those super-small bananas, the ones they don't even CALL bananas at the grocery store!

I COULD AFFORD TO BUY GAS FOR THE CAR!!!

But no. Not me. Just give a gift of accurate predictions to the rest of the world,and not take advantage myself. What a putz...

Anyhow, Senators in 6,even though I'll be cheering for The Ducks.

You heard it here first.

Chow for now!!

There's something wrong about having to put your furnace back on, well over midway through May. Just wrong. But we have done so, twice now. We're either getting old and wimpy, or this city has an interesting perspective on what summer should feel like.

The other day, we had snow coming down in the middle of the day. Not for a movie special effect, but for freakin' real.

Last night, a couple of minutes before midnight, I awoke to some strange racket. When I got up and looked out the window, there was sleet, or at least really buffed-up raindrops pummeling the house. When I awoke this morning, I gave in to the muttering of the frozen penguins in our living room, and turned the furnace on, yet again.

Now, one might assume that with the coating of blubber I surround myself in, I might be a bit more impervious to these radical temperature changes. However, that appears to be another scientific theory proven false. I was freezing my ding-dongs off....

So, here's hoping that July and August bring a reprieve from snow, and that temperatures eventually allow the puddles in front of our boulevard to thaw...

Chow for now!!

"I'll take Potpourri for $1000, Alex"...

Happy Holiday Monday to you. For us, that is up for debate at the moment...

It is FRIGGING SNOWING HERE RIGHT NOW!!!

By the hammer of Thor, what is going on with the weather in this city?? It was in the high 20's the other day, and now we'll be tobogganing to the corner store for our decaf lattes. Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy will, anyway...

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On the matter of the home stretch for this year's Stanley Cup playoffs, I don't want to say I told you so, but I'M A FREAKIN' PSYCHIC!! Not only did Ottawa advance as I had predicted, the Anaheim Ducks are one win away from facing The Senators in the final.

If only I had been smart enough to bet on all of that...

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We slept in a bit today, which accounts for the very tardy start for today's posting. I was exhausted from a long day of watching Mrs. That Dan Guy file household folders, and the exciting overtime goal for the Ducks. Plus we watched The Sopranos.

At my age, all that excitement can tucker a person out...

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I should run. We still have to have some breakfast, and then I may need to shovel our driveway.

Does Denny's deliver??

Chow for now!!

Hey Ray! Hey Sugar! Tell "em who we are.....

Well we're big rock singers, we got golden fingers
and we're loved everywhere we go.

We sing about beauty and we sing about truth
at ten thousand dollars a show.

Well it's all designed
to blow our mind
but our minds won't really be blown

Like the blow that'll get you
when you see your picture
on the cover of The Rollin' Stone...
*********************************************************************

There. Now good luck getting THAT song out of your head for the rest of the day...

(Note: Those lyrics were not used by permission. That was foolhardy and stupid (closely related) on my part. If you wrote that song, or own the rights to it - please - I beg you - I am but a humble wanderer in this life - a modest one at that. PLEASE consider not suing my ass off.

However, if you notice a sudden spike in sales of Dr. Hook's Greatest Hits, I would ask you to consider throwing a few sheckels in my direction...)

(Additional Note: I've been singing that song for years, and admit that only some of those lyrics may in fact be accurate. Like "Lucy's In the Rye With Dinah".

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Alright, lissen up everybody. I got my Blue Cross certy-fication last week, and I'm now authorized to give you some safety tips for this long weekend...

First lesson - booze and floatin' don't mix. If you're gonna get snapped on Schnapps, stay out of the cluckin' pool!! I may be a semi-professional lifeguard now, but I don't wanna be givin' mouth-to-mouth to some slob that still has chili burger in his jowls!! I'm slatherin' on SPF 3 so that I can score some chicks, NOT a hernia pullin' Free Willie outta a wadin' pool...

Second lesson - Heat stroke. If ya stay out in the sun too long, you may pass out. Good for you! that's what it feels like, for all my brothers and sisters under heating lamps everywhere. What goes around, comes around, you deep-fried barbarians!!!

Third lesson - cuts and bruises. If ya hit skin hard enough, it's gonna break open. So (and this may sound a little rudimentary) DON'T have any accidents!! Even though I gotta minor degree in "Gauze Application", I don't need no freakin' mammal blood gettin' on my Eddie Bauer linen T's....

Fourth (and final) lesson - CPR. In the unlikely event that you might need emergency resuscitation, please be advised that you ain't lived till you been "slipped a little beak". It will be my pleasure to answer the age-old question: do chickens got teeth??

Cluck for now!!

Welcome to a long weekend!

Technically (not to throw cold water on the celebrations) the weekend is the same size as it always is. The correct term should be "short week". At least, that's my story...

Regardless, it all boils down to one (or two if you've got a good union) less day(s) working for "the man". One more day (or two) to not shave or shower. One (or two) more chance(s) to come up with wacky ideas for staying home sick (example: "Boss, I think I got a fevered ovary!!")

So, what are YOUR plans for the "short week"? Are you going to hold a parade in your neighborhood, in celebration of not having to sit in your dimly-lit cubicle for 8 more cursed hours? Are you going to burn some meat over an open fire, in a crowded public campsite, and try to remember the chords to "Kumbaya"?

Are you going to be taking advantage of this extra time by clearing off the episodes of :Walker Texas Ranger" you never got around to viewing, back when you taped them all those years ago?? Don't be so quick to judge - I still have episodes of "Growing Pains" and "L.A. Law" we need to clear off of Betamax tape...

Whatever it is you choose to do this short week, please drink responsibly, wear protection, and try not to use poor grammar. There's just no excuse for poor grammar...

Chow for now!!

Soon, the day-to-day operations of the Such Is Life household will hold less meaning, less brightness. The spark will be gone, birds won't seem to be singing as loud...

That's right, ladies and gentlemen - TV's "season finale" time has arrived. All our favorite shows are winding down. Sadly, some are going to be gone for good this year. It's enough to make a person hold daily wakes on the sofa (in prime time), offering potato chip sacrifices to the TV gods...

Some shows knew in advance thay they were taking a long final walk on a short pier. Others discovered their demise after the regular season wrapped up. And, like most things in nature out of our control, horrific shows remain on the air. The TV gods are clearly an ironic bunch...

However, good bad or indifferent programming aside, we the viewers are left to sort out the empty shards of our lives, until the new season begins again. Oh, we'll surivive. I imagine we'll watch shows we never had any interest in before, maybe even start watching our local news broadcasts. In the fall, we'll have to discover new shows, to replace the ones we lost this season.

If we're lucky, at least one will feature a family of blue collar, wise-cracking squirrels, that co-exists with humans. THAT"S entertainment!!

Hey, if the Geico cavemen can get their own series...

Chow for now!!

When someone breaks a record of some sort, I'm often happy to share in the pride of that achievement. Not sharing as in taking credit, just appreciative of how some person or group can do something so significant as to make a new record of some kind, in their chosen field of pursuit.

Today's record, not a time for celebration. Gas prices at the pump here have hit an even newer high, enroute to what experts are saying now will be higher prices at the pumps than ever.

An athlete at least has to do some preparation to break a record. Train or whatever. These oil companies just decide one morning that their snowy owl sausages aren't exotic enough anymore, and so decide (en masse) to poke prices up, so as to afford breakfast ham shaven off a frozen mammoth's ass.

Sure, to their credit, there are mitigating circumstances. As consumers, we tend to travel more in the summer months, so why be happy with what they've been collecting all this time? They've gotten so adept at screwing the public over, you'd almost think they had government experience.

Reminds me of that old T-shirt you used to see, a few years back:

"Don't Steal From The Government. They Don't Like The Competition!!"

Chow for now!

You just can't do it all....

I read a terrific newspaper review of Chris Isaak's recent weekend show here. Regretted immediately not having been there. We missed it, as it sold out almost immediately.

We had to pass on it actually, as we already see about two major concerts a month. You just have to let a few go along the way...

It would be a full time job, to see every act coming through this town. We do our part, but after a while, you really have to think carefully about who you want to shell your sheckels out for. It's not every day that you get a chance to see someone like James Blunt!!

In the next few months, we are going to miss out on:

My Chemical Romance
Big & Rich with Gretchen Wilson
Roger Waters
Rush
Boyz II Men
Jann Arden
Feist
Blue Oyster Cult
The Killers
Gwen Stefani
The Dandy Warhols

...just to name some major headliners. There's more artists in so many other venues, it makes your head want to explode. Well, mine anyway...

Chow for now!!

Hockey News!!

As one of the most erratic contributors, today I hope to fulfill even just one tiny iota of my ongoing NHL Blogger commitment...

Here we go:

Well, we're down to the final four teams vying for Lord Stanley's cup, this go-round. And some fine pairings, if you ask me. To make things patriotic, there's one last Canadian team left standing to root for, The Ottawa Senators.

(Note: if you're a real hockey fan, this is all going to be a bit redundant. You probably already know all or most of this. I'm being very thorough though, so as to fill up space in this posting...)

So, with the knowledge that Ottawa is going to ultimately win this little puck derby, let's review the other three teams, that will be eliminated:

The Buffalo Sabres: Frankly, why Buffalos (Buffali? Bison??) would even carry sabres is beyond me. I've never seen one standing upright, as that would kep their mouths too far away from the grass they typically graze on.

If they did stand up, they'd be too weak from lack of nutrition to hold their sabres in any sort of menacing way. I give Ottawa two more games to put these guys to bed...

Detroit Red Wings: These bastards eliminated my Calgary Flames, so they are GOING DOWN!! Go Ducks!! Bring your Wing-clippers on the tour bus! Ducks in six...

Anaheim Ducks: I have to admit, I was one of those fans that never lost my soft spot for these Mighty Ducks. I do wonder what happened to their coach. I haven't seen Mr. Emilio Estevez behind the bench this entire playoff. I have seen former Winnipeg Jet Randy Carlyle, which is kinda cool.

Once the Ducks deep-six Detroit, they will ultimately lose to Ottawa in a five-game run.

You heard it here first folks!

PS - Congrats to Team Canada, for bringing home the gold medal in that dust-up!

Chow for now!!

My second-ever column appeared in yesterday's Calgary Herald. You can view it by hitting on this link:

http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=272739dc-d19f-464f-b52c-8660542ab814

A timely piece on the current rising gas pump prices...

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I attended a full-day Live Smart Diabetes Expo yesterday, in my capacity of a Canadian Diabetes Association Volunteer. Quite an eye-opening day. There were all sorts of booths loaded with diabetes products, and an entire day of presentations by various diabetes professionals.

I also found out that I have something in common with Elvis & Johnny Cash - they were both also diabetics. Not only that, at various times in their careers, they brought varying degrees of "sexy back". I'm in good company, aside from the fact that they're both now deceased...

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Finally (need to have some breakfast, my tummy is growlin'), I was rather disturbed to awake yesterday, to claims that Charlie Chicken is Spiderman. What a major letdown for kids everywhere, when an anorexic, chain-smoking chicken pretends to be a cultural icon.

Wait a minute. isn't that what Paris Hilton does every day???

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Crappydoodles…

Forgot to put on my mask, so now I’m cluckin’ busted! Ya got me. Yeah, that's right - I’m Spiderman.

Please, hold your a-claws. It's embarrasin'...

I know what you’re thinkin’. How do I hide my beak, while my mask is on?? Well, pretty much the same phenomenon that lets Aquaman live underwater, while he ain’t got no gills…it's science, you smooth-skinned mammal!!

So, by now you probably also know, I’M CLUCKIN’ LOADED!! My movie is doing so good at the box office these days, I’m gonna have to buy a bank, just to save on deposit fees.

Buk-AAAWK!!!

This ain’t no “chicken scratch” income, featherless wonders! Charlie’s gonna get some Trump hair!!

Although, I see it ain’t exactly coming to me directly, so I better make a phone call or two. My agent may already be livin’ in Bora Bora, with a Hilton sister…

What’s that? I look taller onscreen? Hey, “movie magic” Toots!! They even do some digital “enhancing” - making me look like that jockey from Sea Biscuit, when my mask is off. I guess the animator wasn’t familiar with maybe a Clooney, or a Pitt…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Well, better get my pinfeathers in gear. I gotta go patrol for evildoers. With great power comes great responsibility…blah blah blah…

Not cluckin’ likely! I’m just gonna swing by the local Hooters, see what my owl buddies are up to today!!

Cluck for now!!

Ouch!!

I've got a repetitive stabbing pain, in my derriere area!

Oh, wait a minute...nothing to be concerned about. It's just getting close to summer, so gas prices are shooting through the roof. I thought that sensation was oddly familiar....

Wow! I don't know about where you all live, but yesterday we had a substantial pump price hike, immediately on the heels of the last hike just a few days ago. Brace yourselves boys and girls, I think the oil companies are out to break records this year!

You have to respect that they will only raise prices because they can. As silly consumers, we tend to travel more at this time of year, so why not profit a bit from that?? Seems to me that they've taken a page from the government ("Your Money Is OUR Money"), and the only option we have left is to circulate all those e-mails boycotting certain gas stations on certain days. That has worked before, hasn't it??

I worry that this tactic will spread to other areas of my life. What if the ice cream companies learn how many Creamsicles I eat in the summer? They could double the price for July and August, and I'd be slipping a magnet into little Billy's piggie bank, to help sustain my habit!!

What if the Speed-o swimsuit manufacturers discover my recent ambitious plans to help "bring sexy back"?? I sweat like a yak, and the cost of those flimsy fabric lower-body snugglers are high enough already!!

So much to worry about, if you just allow yourself...

Chow for now!!

Man....

As many live shows as we see, we just can't seem to fit them all in, here in CowTown. This city just seems to draw far more top-notch performers than we've ever had access to before (outside of our beloved Las Vegas)...

Case in point - today I opened up the newspaper, and discovered an ad for "Dancing With The Stars - The Tour". We could see that guy formerly from N'Sync - Joey Fat One!!

In this instance,we'll probably pass though. "Dancing With The Stars" is one of those "reality" shows that we just can't stand. Actually, we've never even watched a single episode, which indicates just how much we can't stand the thing. I can see Jerry Springer dance, dodging airborne folding chairs on his own "talk" show, thank you very much.

Say, that was a whole-bunch of quotations marks, in that there last sentence...

Besides, I've got far too much of my personal time dedicated lately to "helping bring sexy back" (there's those damn quotation marks again!) to be glued to the boob tube for Billy Ray Cyrus two-steppin' to Abba songs. I hope to update you on those ongoing efforts (sexy back)soon.

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Finally, we had some older guy in a white suit, and black string tie lurking around here the other day. Says he's the "legal guardian" (damn quotations!!) of Charlie, our offensive weekend chicken.

Wonder if that gentleman realizes that Charlie is A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Good mornin', Ladies and Gentlemen...

Ah'm lookin' foah an acquaintance of mine, and ah was hoping you might be of some assistance.

This little fellow is one of mah...special friends. A feathery friend.

He went missin' some time ago, and ah would surely like to see him return home, safely.

His name is Charles, and ah believe he is what most people might consider slightly "fowl".

He is an innocent babe, ladies and gentlemen. Without mah ongoing care and consideration, one can only imagine the sort of trouble an impressionable young bird like himself might get into, in a strange place, with no friends or family.

At one of mah fahms, Charles enjoys a life of luxury, free fruhm the temptations of modern science. Charles has never touched a drop of alcohol, nor has he ever been swayed by the peer pressure of tobacco smokers. He enjoys some of the finest grains available. Why, he'd be about as juicy as a fresh mint julep, right about now...

Uh, not that that has anything to do with anything!! Ah just want to see poor Charles, who at this very moment may be shivering in mortal fear someweah, brought back home safe and sound.

Please help. Yoah assistance would be greatly appreciated...

Chow for now!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy has had a relapse of her recent deep-chest cold bug, so she has chosen to stay home today. Any chance for me to remain in bed (offering comfort, of course) is irresistible. Hence my late start today...

Of course, I could be excused for being tardy anyway, as earlier this week (yesterday??) I received the results of a recent MRI. This had been ordered MONTHS ago, to assess the cause of a pinched nerve in my neck.

Well, it would appear that modern science has discovered just that. "A moderate degree of right neural foraminal stenosis, possible affecting the exiting nerve root at this level".

Say WHAT??????

If I had purchased this lousy body of mine at Wal-Mart or Costco, I'd be happily returning the plagued collection of skin and bones, thanks to both of their store's liberal return policies. Now, I have to see yet ANOTHER medical expert, to assess corrective measures, or carefully study "A Night At The Roxbury", for repetitive neck exercises.

Oh well, at least my posterior fossa (including the basal cisterns, cerebellar tonsils, midbrain and pons, clivus and AADI) are within normal limits. Accepting of course that MTDG might challenge the midbrain and pons findings...

How will this affect my ongoing efforts to help Justin Timberlake "bring sexy back"???

Stay tuned!!

Chow for now!!

Well, with The Calgary Flames and The Vancouver Canucks eliminated from the Stanley Cup playoffs, I guess the only thing a Tim Horton's coffee drinker can do now is root for The Ottawa Senators. That's somewhere out east, isn't it??

I have every confidence that Ottawa will be up to the challenge of this latest round of the playoffs, but just in case, perhaps every good and faithful Canadian hockey fan could do THEIR part, to assure we get into the finals.

First off, we'll need to find that ex-husband of Tonya Harding, and then we're going to have to pick up about 15 or so of those collapsible batons....

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With all this talk over the weekend of the Kentucky Derby, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I felt like we needed to do something, to somehow participate. No, I don't mean watching it on TV.

We went to the horse races here, on Sunday. Always good fun, and this time,we actually picked a winner!!

In Race Six, there were a couple of horses that just jumped out at us. Once we recomposed ourselves, and the aggressive nags were taken back to their stables, we picked a couple that came across the finish line, in the exact order!!

To "place", we picked "Banjo Babe", and I'll be gosh-darned is she didn't do just that. A banjo never lets me down...

To "win", we picked "Tartan Star", which I didn't confess to MTDG until he won, the reason why.

Which was, just hours earlier I had submitted a past column electronically to Scotsman.com, to see if they may run it in their papers in Scotland. I'd say that my horse choice actually winning is a pretty good sign. That kind of thinking of course has me still confident that I will be elected "Lord Of The Leprachauns", because I've eaten Lucky Charms every week since I was a kid...

Chow for now!

The Sunday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway-Concert-Review" - B.B. King

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

[Note: This should have been The Saturday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review", but it was pre-empted by that abrasive rubberized piece of weekend poultry...]

So, Friday night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I finally had the chance to see B.B. King, in concert. Why in God's name haven't I ever seen him live before?? Holy Toledo, what a show!!

We had heard from others that at 81, he was past his prime, over the hill. Well, considering that he has skyrocketed up to the top of our "favorite concerts" list after that show, I don't think I could have handled seeing him in his prime!!

MTDG was smack-dab in the middle of a brutal cold, which she is currently in the process of passing on to me. We had to ply her with more over-the-counter medications than they typically inject into turkeys before Thanksgiving, but it was worth it - she absolutely loved the show!!!

At any rate - the show...

There was no warm-up act, save for the crackerjack B.B. King Blues Band, which did two extended blues jams (highlighting each individual member), before Mr. King arrived, onstage.

And the only other time I've seen a crowd go that crazy before, when the artist just comes onstage, there was a tall guy dressed in black, who simply said: "Hello, I'm Johnny Cash..."

Mr. King has to sit down to perform now, but that didn't diminish one second of his skills, or his voice (that still sounds like it did 30 or 40 years ago - clear, growly, and stronger than most singers 1/3 of his age).

He played for over 2 hours, so there's not much chance of mentioning all the songs. And by the way, for a blues giant, he's also a very charming comedian, telling story after story about growing up, and working in the cotton fields of Mississippi. He had that crowd in the palm of his hands all night long. When he did sing-a-long songs, he didn't proceed until the audience was damn-well singing along, like on U2's "When Love Comes To Town", which he was quite proud to inform us had been written for HIM!!

B.B. King is a diabetic, like myself. That's about the only similarity I could find. To say we both play the guitar would be like saying we both breathe, but I'm the asthmatic kid from down the block. Not even close...

The biggest reaction? "The Thrill Is Gone", given a crazy, extended workover.

We are extremely grateful we decided to sit in on this one...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Happy Cinco de Mayo!!

Buk-AAAWK!!!

Me and my little bear buddy are down here in Tijuana, trying to find a cheap onyx chess set, and maybe a few worms in a bottle of firewater. PARTY!!!!!!

Seriously, I don't got a clue what this Cinco de Mayo is all about, but if it means "party till your tail feathers hurt", I'm in!

This is one scary town though, I hafta say. We crossed a bridge to get here, and lemme tell ya, some of the locals were looking at me like I was edible, or sumthin'. We had to hustle into the closest Cantina, and settle into this here sombrero. MUCH friendlier...

Buk-AAAWK!!!

Fuzzy here has already lost his lunch, after chewing too many dingle-balls off the sombrero. They ain't grapes, you lunkhead!! Sheesh, the crap I put up with, not having a valid driver's licence for the next three months...

We are having some communication problems. The senoritas here ain't so fluent in English. I've been tryin' to impress a few with my Foghorn Leghorn impressions, but all I get is blank stares. I say, I say boy....

Oh well, we're warm, we're richer than Donald Trump down here with twenty-seven bucks Canadian between us, so watch out, amigos!! Charlie's gonna cha-cha with a cucharacha!!!

Buk-AAWK!!

Cluck for now!!

And another Canadian team bites the dust...

I haven't had a chance to read the morning paper yet, but from what I've heard on TV so far, the Vancouver Canucks were eliminated from the Stanley Duck playoffs.

Oops! My bad! That should have read Stanley Cup...

I must apologize. Between "bringing sexy back", and all of our favorite shows on Thursday nights, I forgot to tune in. Well, at least ONE former Canuck still has a shot, in Detroit :-)

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Holy Doodles, has it ever been raining like blazes here the past few days. We can see Canada Olympic Park from our back yard, and the people racing down the slops aren't using skis right now - as a matter of fact, they look suspiciously like rambunctious otters...

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The Kentucky Derby runs this weekend. If he's still in, give me twenty bucks on Sea Biscuit...

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Is it painfully obvious that I've got nothing to work with again, this morning??


Chow for now!!

Tentative Schedule, Day Three - "Bringing Sexy Back"

(Note: Even though Mrs. That Dan Guy and I are both under the weather today, I am forced by the weight of this ongoing endeavor to stick to my schedule)

Morning:

Once my headache is gone, I will fuel my body with some form of healthy breakfast food (OK, who am I kidding - Fruit Loops), and begin my exercise regimen. As this is Thursday, that will consist of taking the garbage out to the curbside. That will be followed by arm curls, as I lift several more cups of coffee into my system...

Late Morning:

Tuck MTDG into bed for a nap, to help her fight her cold. After that, I am testing several new muscle shirts, for maximum "sexy factor". While allowing maximum bicep exposure, they should at least TRY to mimimize love handles, and adorable little pot belly....

Later Morning:

Stretching exercises, to appear natural in public when striking impromptu "sexy" poses. These could include, but are not limited to pretending to yawn (while expanding freshly shaved pecs), bending over to pick up dropped coin (remember those new, tighter jeans I mentioned the other day?), and spontaneous Jumping Jacks.

Lunch:

Grilled cheese and peanut butter sandwiches. A carrot.

Afternoon:

Experiment with various body oils, for maximum "glisten" factor. Hoping the one with Aloe Vera will soothe this blasted itching on my shaven chest...

Later Afternoon:

Choose which favorite Rihanna songs I'll use for my Aerobics tape.

Late, Late Afternoon:

Faint.

Dinner:

Left-over KFC, but I'll eat it while standing on a scale, to ensure I don't exceed my target weight for the day.

Evening:

Relax, until it all starts over again tomorrow.

Chow for now!!

It's been an interesting ride, the last few weeks. I've had a Thallium Stress Test, to see how efficient my ticker is. I've had some follow-up on my skin cancer, and all seems well in that department. I'm also very recently recruited into the world-wide efforts to help "bring sexy back"...

Late last night, the crazy joyride of my life continued. I had a long-awaited MRI, for the neck and arm issues that plagued me last year. THAT was an experience!!

If you've never had the pleasure, an MRI is an elaborate X-ray process, where you are inserted into a gigantic tube, and must sit still while industrial sounds not unlike early Lou Reed albums pound away in the background. I'm a fidgeter, so having to stay still for 15 minutes or so is like asking Ellen DeGeneres not to dance so much on her show. Ain't gonna happen.

But it did. I managed to avoid having to scratch my nose, or pace (awfully hard to pace in a form-fitting cylinder) for the prescribed time period.

While reposing motionless, this over-sized toilet paper roll emits constant and varying loud sounds. As I was already trying to pass the time by humming the Barry Manilow soundbook (in my head), one of the noises became familiar. Like a rock guitar chord.

Turned out to be "Running Back To Saskatoon", by The Guess Who. At least, to my ears.

In between all these blasts of random noises, I could swear I heard birds chirping. Either the medical facility has some animal control issues, or I have a vivid imagination. I choose to blame the hospital....

After all was said and done, they roll you out, and you're on your way. Non-radioactive, unlike the Thallium test. Results in about a week.

My medical adventures, in a nutshell!!

Chow for now!!

I have decided, after long and well-mulled consideration, to assist Justin Timberlake in his efforts. I'm going to help "bring sexy back".

I know, I know - where am I going to find the time, what with my hectic schedule and all? Well, I know this task won't be without sacrifice, but I think ultimately, "bringing sexy back" will benefit ALL of mankind, won't it??

To start, there's a few small changes I can make. It is spring after all, so my turtleneck sweaters should be heading deep back into the closet anyhow. My rayon sleeveless pullovers will now feature TWO, yes TWO undone buttons at the neck, allowing my chest hairs to playfully peek out. Sexy....

I have decided to purchase a new pair of jeans, just one pant size smaller. The result is obvious - sexy....

And hey, if Prince can wear high-heel platform shoes, why can't I (even at my current 6'2")???
I think the extra proportion can't help but bring a little sexy back, no??

This isn't a selfish thing. I really feel that just one man can't do the job himself. That has to be why he split up with Cameron Diaz - the task was just too overwhelming. Now, he can afford to relax a bit, maybe take the odd weekend off. I'll be doing what I can, and maybe all of you can do the same, out there in Readerland.

Think about it. If we all just wore something a little more flashy, a touch more clingy, we could all be helping fulfill Mr. Timberlake's goal of "bringing sexy back". I hope I don't cause any accidents, while I'm walking down the street in my high-heels and unbuttoned dress-shirt, but it's a price we may all have to accept, in this global effort.

Help "bring sexy back". Operators are standing by...

Chow for now!!