Greetings, beakless mammals!!

Charlie, the original chick magnet, is here to tell you: you snoozed, you loozed...

That’s right ladies, I’m off the market. I found me a new lady friend, and I have to tell you, things are going pretty cluckin’good… BUK-AAAWK!!!!

Sorry…it’s in my programming…

I was surfin’ a new online singles site last week (whathaveIgottolose.org), and found my new Honey-Bunny. She’s a doll! A real class act…and I know a little something about class!!

Yeah, I know. There is a bit of an age difference, but in chicken years, we ain’t that far apart. At least I think so…if it works for dogs, why exclude chickens??

So far, we are totally compatible. I like pecking feed off the ground – she enjoys throwing it there. She’s so fond of chickens, she even has a feather pillow!! Although, I’m hoping those feathers came off naturally. I wouldn’t want some other dumb cluck to go through a plucking like I did this week…

BUK-AAAWK!! Pardon me…

Better run. We’re going mini-golfing this morning. I love that – the buildings on the course are all life-sized for a guy my height!!

So ladies, I wish I could have let you down easy, but life’s life. A chicken like me ain’t gonna be free forever, and someone with a sharp eye knows a catch when she sees it. She’s even calling me her little “Wild Turkey”!!

I can live with that…

Cluck for now!!

Today, I must enlighten you all, to something I’ve kept hidden for many months now.

It gives me no pleasure to share this, as it reflects poorly on someone that many of you feel is a kind, well-intended person. Which is just not true…

Mrs. That Dan Guy takes liberties…with Charlie the Chicken!!

That’s right, and don’t even try for a minute to think I’m not telling the truth here. I’ve got examples, and if necessary, I can support them with photographic evidence.

Just the other day, Charlie dressed up one of her little teddy bears as a pirate. Personally, I found it to be good harmless fun, and enjoyed a good chuckle myself. Not Mrs. That Dan Guy!! She ripped the costume off of that little bear (tears streaming down his furry little cheek), and PUT IT ON POOR CHARLIE!!!!

To be fair, he was still a little hung over, and didn’t notice for a few hours, but still…

Then, just yesterday, that same little bear (who may or may not have made himself a little ghost costume with a handkerchief ) had another costume ripped right off of his frail torso, and unceremoniously installed onto Charlie. Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a cigarette lit, while under a sheet?? It’s not even a very good idea!!

So, there you have it. Mrs. That Dan Guy appears here on occasion, like sweet little Mary Poppins, when it truth, she’s clearly got chicken issues. Spoon full of sugar, or overly-anti-poultry???

Time will tell…

Chow for now!!

Tremble, mortals! The Calgary Flames have quit playing possum, and now prepare to decimate any in their Stanley Cup path!!

(I’ve been really bad with my NHL Bloggers commitment as of late. Here’s where I suck up…)

Yes, after fooling opposing teams for long stretches of this current season, The Calgary Flames have won three of their past consecutive games, and appear reinvigorated, ready to lead the post-season charge.

For the Vancouver Canucks, I wish Long-o the same healthy play-off run his predecessor, Mr. Dan Cloutier typically enjoyed. He doesn’t necessarily need to have the frequent injuries Cloutier seemed to attract for every playoff run, just maybe if he could suddenly develop agoraphobia, or become horribly allergic to his goaltender mask.

This is where I now show my more widespread ignorance of teams beyond Calgary and The Canukes. I’m pretty sure there’s an Avalanche of some sorts in the hunt for the playoffs, but if my morning news roundups are accurate, they’re more of a light skiff this year…

Our provincial rivals, The Edmontonian Oilings, are not even looking past golf club selection right now.

But sadly, this is where my hockey knowledge ends. I could probably name a few more playoff contending teams (California Golden Seals, Quebec Nordiques??), but if somebody told me there was a team in Nashville, I’d be fooled like a four-year old believing in the tooth fairy.

The point is, none of that matters. The Flames have sprung from their doldrums, and stand ready to wreak havoc on all the lesser teams in their path.

Maybe that was some of the characters in The Lord Of The Rings….

Go Flames Go !!!!!!

I’m officially falling apart….

It may be time to reexamine my health regimen, as it seems that my “regimen” thus far as a predominant couch potato is coming back to bite me in the ass. Yes, that’s right – I said ass…and it ain’t “petite”…

During routine testing for my diabetic control the other week, an EKG found “abnormal T-waves”. I didn’t know anything waved in an EKG. I was well aware of a bunch of spiky lines on paper, but waving?? What in the name of everything holy is modern science capable of now???

Anyways…

So, I was shipped off to see some sort of fancy internal medicine specialist, who advised me that the medical community approaches diabetics as if they have already had one heart attack!! How unfair is that? It’s like my golf handicap just increased after being told I could only use one arm to swing!! It’s like finding out my chocolate chip cookies have tofu and zucchini in them!!

Anyways…

So, this internal medicine specialist has scheduled me for a “stress test”, where I’ll be forced to listen to an entire Justin Timberlake cd.

Kidding, it’s not that bad. I’m going to get some sort of radioactive fluid injected into me, and then I’ll have the proportionate powers of a spider. Or they’ll be able to track my ticker as it pumps the KFC gravy through my veins, to determine the efficiency of my plumbing. Hey, after three of four beers, my plumbing works JUST fine…

So, a new adventure begins. He recommends I lose 60 pounds, so this week we’re gonna poison Sparky.

KIDDING!!! Sheesh…

Fat Actress – meet Fat Writer…

Chow for now!!

Am I starting to turn Scottish?? Or, at the very least, am I developing some deep bond with aspects of all things Scottish??

Here’s the deal.

For some time now, I’ve mentioned how my favorite late-nite TV talk show host has been Craig Ferguson – a Scot. A flaming Scot!! He just connects with me at least, kickin' out some of the most original monologues I’ve seen.

Then, one of my favorite finds of 2006 was the “Born To Roll” CD, by Canadian country artist Johnny Reid. To the best of my knowledge – Scottish! With that vocal blend of classic Rod Stewart (pre-schmaltz-era) and John Mellencamp (one of which at least has another Scottish connection), his album was amazing – every song fantastic.

Then, just the other night on The Tonight Show (with Jay Leno – sorry Craigster…we hit it by accident…), we caught this new kid – Paolo Nutini. Decided yesterday to pick up his CD, and it is also an aural treat. Original, with tons of soul, and great even on the first spin. This kid could be as big as James Blunt!!

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Why am I sitting here raving about some French kid?? Well, it would appear by his brogue and inflections – HE’S SCOTTISH!! Yes, with a French name like that, he’s a Scot!! At least, that’s my assessment.

All of this is making me think of another band I used to enjoy, back in the day – The Sensational Alex Harvey Band. They were fronted by a quirky Scottish lead singer, whose name just escapes me at the moment…No matter – they were Scottish, and they were a pleasure to listen to.

So, there you have it. I’m either going mad, or turning slightly Scottish. Only time will tell which it is…

Chow for now!!

PS - today's "word verification" letters were "sjjar", almost exactly Jar Jar Binks!!

Your official TV summary – Sunday Night In The La-Z-Boy…

For our money, a big, big nite of television viewing last night…

Of course, nothing that anyone else was probably watching. We don’t tend to follow the herd with respect to things like “Desperate House-Hives”, or Donald Trump’s “The Apprentice Of Groom”. Ya have to tip your hat to him though, if not just in the benign hope that he puts it on that dead Chihuahua he calls a hairdo.

(Isn’t is a bit ironic, given the biggie-sized spat they’ve had lately, that he sounds a lot like Rosie O’Donnell when he talks?? Maybe it’s just me…)

We did catch a few finales though. “Grease – You’re The One That I Want” managed to conclude its run by taking an entire hour to award the lead actors their roles for the Broadway revival. The male and female lead we both felt were the strongest, won. Much to our surprise… Now, if we could only pick the horses at the racetrack that well, we’d be laughing all the way to the bank…

On Movie Central, we caught the series finale of “Rome”, the sprawling, epic historical melodrama that had tens of people glued to sofas around the world. Even though we thought the first season sucked, we had faith in the second. And it did indeed suck less than the first one. This was the mega-event that failed to inspire audiences. More people tuned in to old reruns of Bugs Bunny playing a Roman soldier, than bothered to watch this show. Next up for these producers – “Greece – You Areth The Oneth That We Wanteth”…

Finally, our beloved “Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels” is back. Not so much his actual family jewels, just the “reality” show we enjoyed last season. Frankly, he can keep his jewels. Just keep filming the show though – it is hilarious!! We are learning so much about life and reality through their own family journey…

Note: We both watch this while wearing our chunky-heel shoes, and moderate amounts of leather. Hey, you need to set a tone, you know…

That’s it, kiddies. Stay safe out there!!

Chow for now!!

I’m starting to take a little more notice of the “word verification” letters that appear at the “Publish Post” area, down at the bottom of where I type out this daily blather…

For some reason I have yet to comprehend, I have to verify my posting before I can post it to my own blogsite. Now, if I HADN’T ALREADY SIGNED IN AS MYSELF in the first place, it would make some sense to have to go through this additional step.

Originally, it was just a step that had to be followed by anyone online trying to post a witty comment to the blog. This process is apparently meant (from what I understand) to prevent spammers and scammers from posting to the blog. HA! Has anyone there seen who HAS already been posting comments??

But, I digress. The first time these letters got my attention, was when they spelled out “argni”, almost exactly the ID letters of a regular poster, “argy.ca” (argy.ca – for all your collectibles and memorabilia needs – just a mouse-click away!!).

Today, the word verification letters are “merpe”, which is almost “herpes”. Which , of course has no relevance whatsoever, aside from maybe (and I’ll admit it could just be my own worrying here about his lifestyle – no proof on this yet) Charlie, that foul-mouthed, anorexic chain-smoking chicken that fills in here on the weekend.

At any rate, it could just be my own wild imagination. However, I will be paying more attention to those letters, and stand ready to report to you if they ever spell out “Vancouver Canucks in Conference cellar”, or “Flames Win Another Stanley Cup!!”

Chow for now!!

NOTE: As an ironic aside, and maybe due to slamming the process involved, this posting wouldn’t publish this morning. Nor would it copy, so that I could paste it into a Word document and try again. No sir, had to retype the entire thing, and hope it may work again, with another posting. You have to LOVE technology

Oooooo.....

A little sensitive still, after a feather transplant last week. I ain't gonna be doing any Jumpin' Jacks anytime soon...

Yeah, I got tired of being nekked all the time. I live in Alberta, not Florida - I was getting poultry bumps ALL the freakin' time!!

So, wattaya think? I may have gone for one of the more unnatural-looking color schemes. Instead of rooster, I think I got mid-80's Liza Minelli, or maybe I even look like I'm wearing Richard Simmons' bathrobe??

I guess I gotta let it grow on me. Hey!! Transplanted feathers growing on me! HA Ha Ha!!!!!!

Oy...

Hey, I hope these cluckin' things aren't flammable...

"New York, New York!!!! Start Spreadin' The News!!!"" HA HA HA HA !!!!!

(Hak hak hak!!) Ugh...pardon me...a little loose saliva there...

Hey Toots - got a match???

Cluck for now!!

TGIF!!

Hey, wait a minute..EVERY day is Friday for me...

+++ So, what is the deal with dry erase markers?? What sort of sorcery allows for markings to be wiped off with a simple swipe of a paper towel?? Is it really gone, or is it like invisible ink - just hiding from mortal view??

+++ I need to buy a DVD recorder, so that I can preserve valuable news coverage on things like this current Anna Nicole Smith hubbub. You can't get stuff like THAT in DVD box sets...

+++ How can I have a Planter's Wart on my foot, if I don't ever plant anything??

+++ If Mrs. That Dan Guy was a wart, she'd be a worry wart...

+++ I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

+++ Upon careful study, I can say without a doubt that Pop Tarts contain NO pop...

+++ I can also denounce that ridiculous old saying about how "a watched pot never boils". I watched one just the other day, and it most certainly did boil. Now, if you were to say "a watched pot never GETS boils"...

+++ I am trying out one of those astronaut diapers while I compose this posting today, and it seems to be pretty efficient...

+++ Hmmm. Interesting. A second pot that I am watching is NOT boiling. Perhaps I was hasty in my prior conclusion...

+++ Say a little prayer for The Calgary Flames. We need a healthy stretch of wins here, as the regular NHL season winds down...

And, that's what happens when I sit down here in the morning, with no pre-determined subject matter...

Chow for now!!

Yesterday's snow?? All gone! It warmed up here by mid-afternoon, and the whole mucky mess disappeared. But you get the unsettling feeling that it is always hiding somewhere, just out of sight, ready to return at any given time. You can never let your guard down...

Today, I'd like to take a few moments to talk about the letter "S". No, you haven't accidentally surfed the Google over to a Sesame Street site, I've just got nothing else in my brain this morning (how's THAT for a free setup, Mrs. That Dan Guy??)...

The letter "S" is one of the more helpful letters in the alphabet. It makes words plural, like cantaloupes, or mooses. It makes a word like "sassy" sound...well...sassy...

It is also used in some bad words, like the one adults use in the place of the much more refined and socially acceptable "poop". And, of course, it would be "poops" with an "S"...

Not to be mistaken with "Proops", the guy with the glasses from "Whose Line Is It Anyway"...

"S", like every other letter, is available in both capital and lower case. It often starts a word, but can also finish it. Sometimes both, as in: "stinks".

Like today's posting...

Chow for now!!

PS - Farewell to David Letterman's pal, recurring character Larry "Bud" Melman (not a single "S" in sight), real name Calvert DeForest. Died Monday at age 85...

It's the first official day of spring, and I'll be celebrating it later this morning by shoveling snow. I couldn't be happier...

Yes, looking out my window this morning, we got a healthy dumping of the white stuff overnight, and it continues to fall, even now. It looks downright springy...for Siberia!!

I suppose it could be worse. What with global warming, it could be sunny, warm, and one might see unsightly palm trees swaying back and forth, in a gentle tropical trade wind. My neighbor could be out mowing his lawn in a Speed-o, and I'd be snagging a few fresh oranges from our backyard orchard.

Ok, so what the hell is so bad about that scenario?????

I guess I'll just have to make the best of the snowfall. This will provide us with complimentary entertainment for our ride into downtown this morning. Nothing showcases the driving skills of average Albertans like bad roads!!

And, I can continue to chisel up my pecs with the assistance of my snow shovel, clearing the sidewalk and driveway. It's like a free gym membership!!

If this weather keeps up, I'll shortly make Brad Pitt look like Jim Belushi, from a physical fitness standpoint, at least. Yessir, I am becoming as fit as a Russian lumberjack!!

Well, one more cup of coffee, then I'd better start getting ready. Need to feed the dogsled team...

Chow for now!!

Today I'd like to take you on an imaginary Powerpoint journey, through a selection of my favorite imaginary photos:

SLIDE #1

This is a picture of frost on the trees yesterday. When we were driving home last night, all the trees were covered in a coating of some really shiny hoarfrost. And I have to ask, is any frost that bad, you have to call it a hoar??

SLIDE # 2

This picture just kills me. I don't know how I was even able to take such a clear photo, as I was frantically swerving to avoid the jackass that was cutting me off. A local daily occurence here is "I HAVE TO BE FIRST IN LINE", and the participants in this game will go to any length to be the car ahead of you. I ran out of film as we settled into the ditch beside the road...

SLIDE # 3

Look at the size of these white rabbits we get in our back yard!! They could be mob enforcers!! This one was particularly brave - as you can see by his nonchalant use of our BBQ...

SLIDE # 4

I really shouldn't include this one, but I thought the sight of Mrs. That Dan Guy in her flannel robe and hair curlers made for an interesting early-morning science statement, on how we occasionally pick up U.S. radio station broadcasting signals...

SLIDE # 5

Finally, here's a shot of a bowl of cereal. I call it "Still Life Study # 4". I could probably use that same title every night (self portrait) after dinner, once my carcass gets settled onto the sofa....

Chow for now!!

(PS - my word verification letters to allow for this posting today were "argni". Almost argy. Spooky, huh??)

We are SOOOO goofy here in the Such Is Life household...

(How goofy are you??)

We are so goofy, we continue to watch "Grease - You're The One That I Want", even though we don't want anyone involved in the show...

Yes, we are such sheep that we continue to tune into one of the worst shows in television history. Most hosts indicate frequently throughout these "talent" competitions how many millions of people are glued to their TVs for the show. This past Sunday, one of the living drips that hosts this show commented on a difference of 1% in the votes between the two male competitors. I think that 1% may have been the entire viewership, and I would go so far as to say that it's 1% of the viewers in Tuktyuktuk...

I'm not saying this show blows (it does), but even the judges on the "celebrity panel" go out for coffee during the performances...

I'm not saying this show lacks dazzle (it doesn't even reach glimmer), but a canine high school musical production of Dead Man Walking would feature more star-power...

Yet, week after week, as uninterested as we are, we continue to watch young hopefuls have their dreams crushed on national TV. I'm starting to feel like I should enroll in some 12-step Donald Trump withdrawal program.

Thankfully, next week wraps up the competition's run, and two youngsters will get the chance to appear on Broadway in this famous musical. Undoubtedly to receive glowing acting reviews, compared to performers such as singer/dancer Sylvester Stallone and that dead guy in My Weekend At Bernie's.

Get tickets to opening night though. I wouldn't plan too far ahead for that run...

Chow for now!

Mmmmmph!!!

Rrrgggghhhhxxx!!!

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

##**!!@@@##!!^^!!!!

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!!

Hope you party your beak off!!

I got my party hat, a CD of classic Irish beer-drinkin’ songs, and a stack of potatoes. How more Irish can you get, without being Bono??

Oh yeah, there may also be a small bottle of “happy happy” here as well, another Irish tradition. I’m as Celtic as a friggin’ Irish Rover!! Stick around, I’m doing The Lord Of The Dance after a few more beers…

Whoa! Is that potato starting to rot, or is cousin Clucky firing from close range?? Feets of flame my puckered beak!!

OK, so here’s my checklist of all things Irish:

Bad teeth – check. Heck, I’m not even sure I have ANY teeth…

A funny accent – check. Fer shurr, Fah-ther O’Gilligan…

A shillelagh – check. Carved it myself, out of old-growth, rainforest mahogany…smooth as a baby chick’s bottom…

A funny green hat – check. Thank you very much, vitamin bottle…

A pot of gold, at the end of the rainbow – Ha! Who am I cluckin’ kiddin’???

Alright, I’m all set. Let the pluckin’ festivities begin!! I’m gonna be as sober as a Pogue by noon!!

Hey, I think I'm getting a rash on my Shamrocks from these friggin' potatoes...

Cluck for now!

Once again, I have struck out....

For over 3 1/2 years I've written a weekly newspaper column, and year after year I consider cranking out a column on St. Patrick's Day. Yet year after year, I end up throwing in the towel, and writing a piece about something else - like why my exercise regimen is only producing results in the muscular bulge of my belly...

This year I even started a column, but abandoned it. My compromise was a piece on the 70's Scottish supergroup, The Bay City Rollers. Hey, Scotland's pretty close geographically to Ireland, after all...

Do I have a problem with potatoes and green beer? Am I not a big enough fan of U2 and The Pogues?? Did I get the crap beat out of me in elementary school by a leprechaun?? What is my block with this annual event??

Of course, maybe I shouldn't be trying to sit down and write a column after a hefty infusion of potatoes and green beer. Makes me want to nap, truth be told. And other things, involving the production of natural gas...

So, this weekend, have yourself a very happy St. Paddy's Day. Don' t let the fact that I am mentally paralyzed from writing about it deter you from enjoying your own celebrations. Don't let the thought of my weeping into my keyboard soften the jubilation of your own opportunity to wear a green plastic hat, and kiss Blarney stones (you shameless hussies!!).

I'll be OK...

Chow for now!!!

Last night, completely out of the blues, we ended up at the Calgary International Auto & Truck Show. Held in the Roundup Centre & Corral, you get an immediate mental image of a group of dusty old cowpokes, herding these new vehicles into the venue.

Well, at least I did...

It would seem that this is an annual event here, and a chance for consumers to view every possible new vehicle made and offered for sale by modern man. It also allows non-consumers (lookey-loo's) to sit in vehicles that they would NEVER be able to purchase, without first cashing in on some incredibly astronomical lawsuit settlement money, from something like...well, it would have to be big - like proving a cereal company had products that maliciously decomposed your brain fluids...

Every major and minor auto dealer was represented there. Many had sales reps on site, pouncing like catapulted flaming jungle cats as soon as you showed the slightest interest in a vehicle. One young fellow tried to pre-approve us while using mental telepathy skills to determine how many $5 bills were in my wallet. The show-offy bugger was off by one!!

Most other sales reps used the more time honored tradition of a casual once-over for obvious tire-kickers like us, then went back to reading their newspaper, or Blackberrying their boyfriends for a fresh latte - stat!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy had a chance to sit in a particularly luxurious Infinity, appointed up the wazoo with every conceivable luxury. To her credit, it took three burly gentlemen to remove her hands from the steering wheel...

I tried to sit in a brand-new Range Rover (price tag - an affordable $100,000+), but the sales rep saw me coming, and triggered the remote locks well in advance. Something about how poutine leaves a really stubborn stain on the leather seats...

All in all, it was a good time had by all. When we do get serious about a new vehicle purchase, we'll go where we usually do - Paulie's Rent-A-Wreck Discount Sales Showroom...you get a free jerry can of gas with every used vehicle!!!

Chow for now!!

Well, it would appear that my Move The Pittsburgh Penguins To Winnipeg Campaign 2007 was a miserable failure. I read something in the newspaper the other day that suggested there may have been a deal struck, to keep the team there in The Pitts city.

Man, Winnipeg would have been PERFECT for a team called The Penguins. For one thing, there's over 11 1/2 months of winter there, damn near optimum conditions for those sorts of birds.

For another, they've got a brand-new arena, which would have been home to an NHL team, rather than hosting the "Canadian National Broomball Sweepstakes". And canoe expositions... I think they even still have a CFL team there, but I could be mistaken on that. It's not like they were in the Grey Cup or anything...

How about affordable housing? It's not like penguins have bottomless pocketbooks. Winnipeg still has some of the most reasonable house pricing in Canada, if you exclude everything east of Quebec. And where else can you get the world-famous Junior's hot dogs, or a Salisbury House nip?? Forget pickled herrings, the penguins could feast on some of the best fast food anywhere (they don't get that shape by eating their vegetables, for Pete's sake)!!

Sadly, The Penguins may never know just how ideal they could have had it, in Winnipeg. Where were the visionaries, the dreamers, the movers and shakers?? Where were the captains of industry? Where was I going with this????

Chow for now!!

Heard it through the grapevine (go ahead, try not to hum it!!) recently that one of our nieces had her wisdom teeth removed the other day. That got me to thinking of when I had mine done, quite awhile back...

I had heard from everyone about how unpleasant a procedure it was, but to be honest, it was a walk in the park for me! Flossing was a bigger inconvenience.

It's probably due to my high threshhold for pain. Where other people might find it painful (or at the very least like a whopping hammer of thunder striking their face), I didn't even need sedation. Nor pain-killers after the fact. I do remember dozing off in the chair, entirely oblivious to the team of oral surgeons hard at work. I seem to remember giving them a nice tip afterwards, good help being hard to find even back then...

After the procedure, I walked home from the clinic, which if I recall was just short of 8 miles. It was a sunny day, and I did get held up briefing, shooting some hoops with a group of kids about half-way along the trip.

The post-operative experience was as painless as the work itself. I remember hearing from some others that had had their wisdom teeth removed before (wusses), and all they could go on about was the swelling, and more non-stop drooling than a senior citizen's centre during Golden Girls. I appeared almost under-nourished - no evidence at all of major dental work.

So, take heart, young niece! You may not be as tough as this old guy, but I guarantee, you'll live to see another day. Everyone is different when it comes to recuperation.

Schluter!!

Chow for now!

Oh-oh...

Seems we missed out on some sort of deadline. Something to do with income tax. THAT can't be good.

I think it was an optional one though, so we may be OK. It was regarding RRSP's. From what I can determine, this is some sort of tax deferral program - you delay paying taxes by shoving money into some sort of protected account.

This would assume that we save money. We much prefer to spend it, often as fast as it comes in. Saving it would just seem to be...well...assuming for one thing that we will never win a big lottery jackpot before retiring. Why would we crush our ambitions in that way??

Plus, as far as retiring goes, we will either have left-over money, or we won't. That's what family and friends are for, once we are penniless and in immediate need of housing, plus three regular meals a day. We wouldn't dream of actually socking money aside for that eventuality...

Besides, with all the time we spend in casinos, scratching Lotto tickets, and urging on fleabag nags at the horse races, our ship HAS to come in, at some point - right?? It is a game of odds...

So, while we may have missed out on the deadline for RRSP contributions, we are far from worried. We have a fallback plan (hey there beloved siblings!!), and we are actively pursuing our future retirement wealth (Move your butt, Tiny Dancer!!).

What more could we be doing??

Chow for now!!

NOTE: "Such Is Life" is unavailable today, due to the moronic new early Daylight Savings Time start...

That Dan Guy is currently very busy, changing times on the many clocks, watches, timers, and electrical appliances in his home and car.

We hope to return by tomorrow, but this is an overwhelming, unwelcome task, at a much earlier time of the year. Who was the bozo that decided this kind of selfish crap?? That Dan Guy should still be lounging around in his underwear, or enjoying a second cup of coffee. But no, he's out changing clocks. Clocks and watches he never asked to be changing at this time of day, or year.

But no one cares.

In place of today's posting,please enjoy the picture of The Cat Choir, found somewhere online while surfing The Google.

That Dan Guy is very aware that Saskatchewan doesn't even bother with this blasted Daylight Savings Time Thing. He's just sayin'...

Chow for now!!

Word up, featherless friends!!

My cousin Ken Francis is in town. And how ironic is that?? His initials are K.F.C.!!!

Ken is from the West Coast. Lots of chicken farms out there. He's not as lucky as me, gettin' to stay indoors all the time. Oh well, better than being battered and fried at least...

So, I've been teaching the ole Kenster a few things about city living - how late you have to stay up to see the really good stuff on cable TV, the magic of breakfast Pop-Tarts, and flush toilets. He REALLY needs to get used to that last one....

So far, he's been a pretty easy mark. I mean, come on, look at that sweet innocent face. He can't play Texas Hold 'Em for crap, so I'm really stuffing some chicken scratch into the old feather pillow this weekend!!

He also can't handle his booze all that well. More for me!!!!!

We plan on hitting the town tonight. I'm gonna show him a few things that might impress his colleagues back home. A tattoo of the Van Halen logo on your badonkadonk can get some attention, if ya know what I mean...

There's this great little roost here, just filled with chicks on a Saturday night. Cluckin' Hey!!!!

And that's enough for you guys today...the rest is on a need to know...

Cluck for now!!

"The Friday Morning Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review" - Meat Loaf!

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer)


Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I finally had the chance to see Meat Loaf live. So, we did...

Mr. Loaf is still one heck of a powerhouse , although we differed this time on that thought. Mrs. That Dan Guy felt he may not have been as vocally capable as he once was. I thought he just used a few vocal shortcuts, to prevent his head from exploding...

What can we say?? We heard everything we hoped to, and many more. He even kicked into "Paradise By The Dashboard Light" for his second song. That's a lotta confidence in your songbook, to flip off one of your biggest hits so early in the program!

That there's what you might call a rock classic - I know that back in my mobile DJ days, there was never a wedding or other such function that I didn't spin that particular tune. Still got the crowd going crazy last night.

I'd have to say Mr. Loaf did a pretty good job of blending the music from his three Bat Out Of Hell albums, even though some grumblers out there might discount II & III. I found some of those songs went over just as well as his most successful, first album tunes.

But speaking of that first album - Holy Toledo!! Finally getting to see him stretch those pipes of his on Bat Out Of Hell, which closed the pre-encore part of the show, was insane. My ears are still ringing (and yet no one is answering...go figure), but it was a spectacle. Terrific!!

Opening act Marion Raven was none too shabby, with a soaring, powerful voice herself. However, after seeing as many live shows as we do these days, you can't swing a dead cat without hitting 10 or 12 talented young female vocalists. She sure didn't stand out in a crowded field.

But, that's just me...

I also can't help but notice that concert-goers now are less concerned with the actual concert, than running up and down the stairs of the arena. Sometimes they'll return with a beer or a Coke. Most times I think they just use the facility for a cardio workout.

Awfully expensive aerobics class, if you ask me.

Chow for now!!

(Cue Kansas - "Happy Anniversary Baby")

That old 70's classic rock reference is my subtle way of starting today's column with a little bragging. Yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I celebrated 20 years together (not all of them married. Those statistics also include a lengthy dating run).

Yessir, 20 years ago I succumbed to her feminine wiles. It may have been a pair of high heels, who can remember - it was 20 freakin' years ago!!

Back then, I had a mullet that would have made Billy Ray Cyrus proud. Oh yeah, I was a catch...

So, how did we choose to celebrate such a milestone?? We went for the first time, to dine in the Calgary Tower revolving restaurant...(it's like a giant concrete merry-go-round, in the sky!!)

For our first visit, we were on a learning curve. Take parking for example. We were thrilled to be able to have the opportunity to pay a company $5.00 for the privilege of attending an evening at their facility. That was tempered somewhat afterwards, when we discovered upon our return to the car that being 15 minutes ahead of the evening parking rates boosted our fee to an even more delightful $7.50...

But, we were out on the town, 20 years strong!! Is an outrageous parking fee too much to ask??

Not as much, apparently, as being kicked in the Elmos with another admission fee - to the tower itself, just to get into the restaurant!! Over $13.00 just to get access to the elevator (discounted thankfully because we planned on eating there - Hallelujah for small miracles!!).

Once in, and my wallet only throbbing softly by that time, we took the elevator for the ascent to the revolving restaurant. Which made it all worthwhile once we walked in, to the panoramic view of our new city. Pretty freakin' awe-inspiring...

We had a fantastic meal (mmm...buffalo tasty...), all the while enjoying a stellar, bird's-eye view of Calgary drivers exceeding speed limits, and causing needless accidents (kidding...)

We did get a spectacular view of the gridlock traffic trying to access the Saddledome for Rod Stewart. That alone was worth the price of admission. Of course, that will be us tonight for The Loaf, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

After all was said and done, we had a ball. We had previously reserved a private, window-facing alcove, which is like being in your own private world (aside from all the other diners, which we could clearly hear talking out in the cheap seats, but why quibble??)

Here's to the next twenty, Mrs. That Dan Guy!!

PS - keep me out of direct sunlight....

Chow for now!

Today may not be the funniest posting I’ve ever put up here, but every once in a while the odd serious item can crop up in your life, and I had that happen just the other day….

During a routine trip to see a dermatologist here in Calgary last week, he carefully examined a spot on my chest that he deemed to be of concern. He even lopped it off!!

And you all thought I was a wacko collector of oddities…

Well, after a trip to my family doctor Friday, that former lop of my flesh and blood turned out to be basal cell carcinoma, one of the most common forms of skin cancer. Thank you very much, Mr. Sun!!!

Thankfully, the piece removed was small, and I go back in 8 weeks to ensure all is okey-dokey. It turns out that basal cell carcinoma is a slow, easily treatable cancer if caught early, and mine was removed hastily.

The fact that it is a slow cancer to spread is somewhat a testimony to my own DNA, which is sluggish to get going at the best of times.

So, for the foreseeable future, I’ll have to require Mrs. That Dan Guy to do frequent random body searches for funny-looking things on my body (bee-have!!), even into the odd cavity or two I suppose…

At any rate, be careful out in that sun, kiddies!! Put on sunscreen, wear lots of clothing, buy yourself a big-ass sombrero. Having a doctor carve you like a Christmas turkey is not something I want to be doing frequently!!

Chow for now!!

Great...

In my eagerness to post yesterday, and corresponding lack of attention to the day of the week, I conjured up the wrath of that cantankerous weekend chicken, after my faux pas with the date of said event. Which begs the question - what does that featherless stand-in for Don Rickles do during the week anyways??

Oh well, maybe it's better that I don't know....it's bad enough that my keyboard usually smells like an inappropriate birthday party in Amsterdam after he gets his one-day-a-week here, online.

So, Happy Big-Day today (not yesterday...ugh). The mail room of Such Is Life is a bit behind this week, so make sure you watch your postal box in the upcoming...uh..next few days or so.

What else??

Well, I see that there are now some tickets available for a second show, to see Keith Urban, but I think we'll pass, and see him another time. We've already got at least two shows a month booked, and more coming, so something has to give.

However, that is admittedly subject to change, as we are totally looney in our entertainment affliction here. We see another huge star this week, and when I say huge...well, it's an appropriate description.

Chow for now!!

Charlie here, bustin' in on a week day to correct Banjo Boy. Who needs to learn how to read a calendar, or listen closer when his wife is talkin' to him.

The birthday reported in an earlier post

today happens TOMORROW, you freakin' wacko!! Try running a Q-tip through your ears once in a while....

And Keith Urban?? For the love of all things feathered, you didn't go see The Emeralds, the group who did that huge hit "The Chicken Dance". Why cry in your milk over an Australian cowboy???

Who needs this?? I'm outta here.

Later....

Cluck for now!!

To a certain reader out there formerly “In The Ghetto” by nickname, Happy Birthday, Olde Pharte!!! And it's a big one!!

I don’t want to betray how old this person is now, but let’s just say that she used to skip rope with Moses' sister!!!

I am reluctant to suggest that she's really, really old now, but The Museum Of Natural History's oldest exhibit doesn't even go that far back in time...

This person is soooo old... (HOW OLD IS SHE???)

She's so old that Granny from The Beverly Hillbillies looks like a teenager beside her!!

(Got a million of 'em. Here all week folks. Ba doom boom!!)

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Anyhow, on to other burning issues of the day.

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1) We were depressed the other day to miss out on Keith Urban tickets. He sold out faster here than Van Morrison and Il Divo combined. FOUR MINUTES!!! By the time I got into Ticketmaster online, the only option available was to do valet parking. Would have been a great show, with The Wreckers opening up.

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2) We are about ready to throw in the towel with Grease - You're The One That I Want. I'd say the show "underwhelms" but that is being as conservative as I've been earlier about The Blogger Formerly Known As Ghetto Girl's age. The show stinks...

For one thing, the Broadway show is about music and life back in the 50's. Yet, the contestants continuously compete with songs from people like Bryan Adams, and Queen. Kind of blows of the image of seeing an actor in a black leather jacket, doing a pop ballad from the late 80's.

Aside from that, and to be a little more technical in my grievances, the show just plain sucks.

Can we tear ourselves away though?? That is the burning question...

Chow for now!!

We got lucky last night!!

Okay, maybe that's not the best choice for an opening sentence, but we really did get lucky...

We had tickets to go see John Berry, a favorite singer/songwriter on March 24th. Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy happened to be listening to the radio the other day, and she heard that the date HAD BEEN CHANGED!! To last night, for Pete's sake.

If she hadn't heard that, we would have missed one fine live show, as this guy knows how to work a crowd, like he did last night.

You may not have even heard of Mr. Berry. He had a big hit back in the mid-90's with Your Love Amazes Me, and a bunch of other songs on a self-titled cd. You can go check out www.johnberry.net to find out more about him. Hey, I never said I was a professional concert reviewer here...or information provider, for that matter!!

Currently, he's touring in support of an album that he likens to Willie Nelson's "Stardust", basically loads of classics. Note: No Rod Stewart anywhere on the album...

At any rate, Holy Toledo, are we ever happy we made it, and didn't miss it. The show was fantastic, and we got to chance to chat with him afterwards. Neither The Mrs nor I was bright enough to bring the camera though...

Wattaya gonna do?

Anyhow, have a great rest-of-your-weekend, and watch out for chain smoking, anorexic chickens that pretend to be your new best friend!!

Chow for now!!

Weekend greetings, featherless freaks…

I’d like you to meet my buddy Spuddy. I’m trying to soften up my image here in this blog, and being out partying in public without my underwear, along with someone that looked a lot like Britney Spears, just hasn’t cut the mustard for some readers.

So, say hello to my little friend. He’s so goldarn cute, he makes me want to squeeze the starch right out of his cheeks. Or whatever potatoes have on the side of their face…he does seem to have an awful lot of freaky-lookin’ eyes everywhere…

This picture was taken after we watched a movie on DVD together: "The Notebook”, with those cute little Canadian stars, and old James Garner. That’s right, a chick flick! What’s it to ya!! (No sir, we didn’t watched “Chicks Gone Wild – Moose Jaw”…not us!!)

Spuddy also seems to be smiling a lot. Either he’s mashed some of his own potato, or he got whacked in the head by a spatula. Either way, I don’t think he’s got too much between the ears, if ya know what I mean…

(Crap. I gotta pull this off, so I need to suck it up, get a stiff upper beak here. Make nice for the people, Chuckie...)

Yeah, I aim to clean up MY image, turn over a new feather so to speak. So a good pal like Spuddy will make me look good here on the weekend, while the rest of the time I hit the horse races, and brew bathtub whiskey from Banjo Boy’s Quaker Rolled Oats…

Better run. This bowl is starting to get a little rank, and I know it ain’t me!!

Cluck for now!!

In the remote chance that I may offend parcel carriers everywhere today, let me just say in advance that twice bitten, third time not friggin' likely...

So, two different parcel delivery services have failed recently in the single purpose of their existence. They could not (for the life of them) correctly identify numbers on a house. Two different companies!! Do the owners of these organizations not practice with flash cards???

Maybe I'm being too hard here. I mean, both companies did get the CITY right. They just failed miserably at matching all three of our house numbers to the address on the delivery invoice.

The first time (let's call the company "Percolator" to prevent a defamation lawsuit), the parcel delivery driver roared past our home, and I thought to myself: "Wow, what are the odds that Percolator would have two deliveries on the same day, on the same street?"

As day turned to night, and my lonely vigil on the stoop eventually succumbed to the heart-breaking reality that my delivery was not going to happen, I went online, and discovered that my ladder had been successfully delivered. Just not to me!!!

One angry e-mail later, and Percolator eventually arranged to have me go directly to their depot, and pick the damn thing up. Which reminds me, what did we ever do with that ladder anyway??

No matter. We were able to conveniently pick it up, after a short drive across town, in rainy weather conditions.

Then, just the other day, another parcel was supposed to be delivered. Once again I looked outside, and noticed a (name changed to protect my ass) VPS van, speeding eagerly by the house. I thought: "Wow. What are the odds that VPS would have two deliveries on the same day, on the same street?"

Are you following me here??

Sure enough, delivery was to some fortunate soul somewhere in our neighborhood, but not us.

Again, online tracking determined the package to be successfully delivered. Thank God I wasn't waiting for a pizza, for an emergency gall bladder transplant...

One more e-mail, and the problem was sorted out. Our package arrived, and my life goes back to normal.

Well, as normal as it ever gets in this joint...

Chow for now!!

A few months ago, a buddy tipped me off about another buddy, one that I had long lost track off. Well, technically I moved away, so maybe it was the other way around...but now we're just quibbling.

Anyhow, turns out this guy I knew way back when has had a recent run of good fortune in his acting endeavors. Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were watching a movie called "The Big White", starring Robin Williams, and at one point there appeared to be a familiar face. Sure enough, the credits confirmed my suspicions - Stephen Eric McIntyre.

Now, I knew him when he was only Steve McIntyre, so this is all new to me. However, ending up in a feature film with Robin Williams can't be all that shabby. Add Eric, heck I'd add Captain Plymouth Toboggan for that matter...

Back when I knew him, McIntyre was part of a long-running troupe called Theatre X.

No, not that kind of troupe, you sick puppy!! Theatre X was one of the best improv troupes in Winnipeg, decades before Whose Line Is It Anyway. And I was their groupie... For years.

I couldn't afford cable...

At any rate, another buddy mentioned that Mr. Stephen Eric McIntyre was now a member of the cast of Falcon Beach, a hip show for even hipper young folk. That last sentence exposes me as well out of that age bracket...

The point is, I taped a couple of episodes to my Hi-Fi Betamax, and lo and behold - there he was - Steve McIntyre!! Playing a dastardly villian named Mook. Or Moop. Maybe Moot, the sound isn't so good on that old Beta machine...

However, just as I was (virtually) reunited with my old pal, he was whacked!! Extinguished! Moy-da'd!!

(If you watch the show, you already know this, as it happened several weeks back. Sorry, things just get jammed up in the hopper, here at Such Is Life...)

So, there you have it. If you happen to be at some future cocktail party, and hear some balding old fool in the corner dropping a name like Stephen Eric McIntyre, you could very well be in the presence of That Dan Guy...

Hey, I also heard that The Flames won a shootout last night. Quiver, mortal Canucks!!! The end is nigh!!!!

Chow for now!!