So, yesterday I was practicing for my proposed “Annual Walk-Like-A-Crustacean Day”, and I noticed Mrs. That Dan Guy quietly boiling a very large pot of water. She’s quite the card, MTDG…

Wow! New Year’s Eve already! Where did the year go? I had big plans for 2007, big plans I tell ya. A road trip with Charlie, more videos with Fuzzball, moister elbows…but the year just seemed to fly by. No time, no time…

So, what plans have YOU got, to celebrate the incoming new year? A big shindig? A little shindig? Anything at all to do with shins?

Being old farts here in the Such Is Life household, we are planning to avoid noisy crowded soirees and drunk-ass drivers, and just stay home. We’ll probably even go one step further, and watch senior citizen Dick Clark’s “Rockin’ New Year’s Eve” broadcast on an early Eastern feed, so that we can get our achy old carcasses into the hay well before midnight. Hey, we don’t even know what midnight LOOKS like anymore…

So, if you are out painting the town red tonight, remember to buy your paint thinner BEFORE the stores close, and for the love of Pete, be careful out there. Don’t drink and drive, and for that matter, you may not even want to play the accordion and drive.

Happy New Year!!

Chow for now!!

Today, I am trying to launch “Annual Walk-Like-A-Crab Day”. You probably remember doing this when you were a kid, but why not as an adult? Why should kids get to have all the fun??

Go ahead, give it a try! As I recall, rather than walking along on your hands and knees, you put your arms behind you (whilst facing upwards), and thrust your torso towards the sky. Then you move around as best as you can, in this entirely awkward position.

Unless that’s a lobster. I think crabs really just walk sideways. One way or the other, maybe I should consider “Annual Walk-Like-Your-Favorite-Crustacean Day”?

Rock lobster!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

So you got five toes on each a' yer feet – ya think that makes ya better than me?!?!?

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Charlie’s got a few tips today, fer plannin’ yer New Year’s Eve parties. Not that y'asked, but to be honest, if yer head wasn’t attached t’yer shoulders, you probably wouldn’t be pickin’ yer nose right now!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, ya might wanna grab a piece a paper and a crayon. Here we go:

1) Attire: That will depend on how formal the evenin’ is gonna be. Dress casual, black tie, or buck nekked. I been feather-free for mosta my life, and I try not to go outta my way just for a stupid party. I say buck nekked…
2) Transportation: Charlie likes a good time as much as the next guy, but seriously – be responsible. DO NOT chug-a-lug a barrel of paint thinner, then drive across town! Make arrangements to cab home, then bolt once you get at the street before your real home!
3) Gift for party hosts: Ha Ha Ha Ha!! YOU’RE the gift!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

4) Spirits: Here’s where ya really need ta pay attention. Stores will be closed once ya start gettin’ good an’ whiskered, so for the pluckin’ luvva Leghorn – remember to buy enough booze ta see ya through until ya gotta start sippin’ on the hosts’ supply. And remember – variety!! Me, I like my gin, but by about 11:00 PM, it can be fun ta mix a little tequila inta the pitcher, or Amaretto. Wine is for wusses. Ya won’t see any self-respectin’ chicken sippin’ onna glass a Chardonnay just before New Year’s.
5) Locations of every toilet and sink in the house: When yer cookies are needin’ to be free, ya can’t be wonderin’ where “The Crapper” is. Make that yer priority, as soon as ya arrive…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

There’s probably more to relay onta ya, but I’ve been getting’ prepped for a few hours already, even though the big day is still a few away. Never too early. Ah crap, I didn’t pick up smokes… Cluckin’ hell!!!!! Where’d I put my pants???

Cluck fer now!!

Dear Santa,

Looking forward, I should probably first mention how thankful I am that Christmas 2007 was such a good year for the Such Is Life household. You rock, bearded dude!!

But it’s never too soon to get started with planning for a new year, so here are just a few items, for your consideration. You can’t say I didn’t give you plenty of notice!!

1) It would be great if you could make the grass start to grow back, where the sun seems to miss it in our backyard. I know you may not have much experience with raising things from the dead, but it would be nice if you could try and get to this one early, in time for barbeque season…
2) I would like to ask you for good health. Not for us, for Barry Manilow – for when we return to see him in Las Vegas, we’d really appreciate it if his aged carcass was onstage…
3) Again, if you could attend to this one promptly (hey, you only work one day a year –quit groaning), I would ask you to help end the writer’s strike in Hollywood, so that I don’t miss any fresh episodes of “All In The Family”.
4) Three words – Tuba Quest 2008!!
5) You know, all kidding aside, I could use some new socks, and a tie.
6) A Michael Bolton box CD set. Man…
7) Some sort of block on Mrs. That Dan Guy’s Blackberry wireless handheld, that will prevent her from beating my current high score on Brick Breaker…
8) Less vegetables, unless you’re talking potato “chips”…
9) Psychic powers, but I’d only need them long enough to pick the mega-lotto winners…
10) Finally, my best gift of all would be a lightning bolt that strikes all the programmers of Microsoft Vista, while they are lounging in their bathtubs.

Thanks in advance,

That Dan Guy

Chow for now!!

Why Airplanes Were Invented…

It’s a 2 hour flight, from Calgary to Winnipeg. 2 hours!!! Even factoring in getting to the airport early to check in, then retrieving luggage, renting a car, and helping achieve world peace before you get on your way, you’re only looking at a total time commitment of maybe 4 hours, max.

We arrived back home here in Calgary at 2:30 AM this morning, after leaving Winnipeg by car at around 11:30. Which was the soonest we could leave, after having emergency repairs to replace a starter that either died of natural causes, or froze permanently after our plunge into a ditch on the way to Winnipeg. Either way, it was as efficient at starting our car as plugging it into an apple overnight…

So, math aside, that’s a long bloody day, driving mostly as if we were being chased by Hannah Montana fans that had just seen the object of their enthusiasm. Like we were being pursued by alligators with booster packs.

So, at the end of the day, we made it there and back, and the visits with family made it all worthwhile. But we will probably consider an airplane the next time we head out, into the Canadian winter…

Chow for now!!

Good news, bad news…

Drum Quest 2007 has been successfully fulfilled, as you can see by the delightful mini-bongo at the top of the page. There will be music, upon our return to Calgary!!

The bad news – our complications from off-roading enroute to Winnipeg have continued. Last night, leaving my parents’ home after Christmas celebrations, the flippin’ vehicle wouldn’t start. Start being the key word. Our starter is either still frozen, or f’ed, either way, we had to have it towed to a shop, which we hope will be open today. Our planned departure to get Mrs. That Dan Guy back to work tomorrow is now rather unlikely.

Ho Ho Frigin’ Ho…

Chow for now!!

Bird Brains

Greetings, featherless mammals. Cornelius D. Chicken here, a cousin of your friend Charlie. I came into town to wish him a “Happy Birthday” today, as he turns one whole year old. Pretty young to be smoking and drinking in human years, but unfortunately legal in chicken age…

And Merry Cluckin’ Christmas to y’all! Pretty darn cold out here. It is unfortunate that we were both plucked at a young age, and never able to grow our feathers back. Might also explain why I can’t fly. I’ll tell you, as a bird, it really sucks the big potato if you can’t lift off, know what I mean…

Charlie might have made a guest appearance himself today, but he discovered something called Jack Daniels, and has some Christmas bells of his own going off in his head. He was an unsightly shade of green when last I saw him.

Well, I should probably run myself. I’ve got to touch up my home perm before we head out to Christmas dinner later today.

Have a faaaaaab-u-lous day, and if you’re sticking a fork into some unfortunate turkey around dinner time, remember those that have fallen, for your pleasure.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluckers!!

So far, the family portion of this trip is going well. Other parts, not so good...

We had our first visit yesterday with some family members, but when we went to leave, my vehicle wouldn't start. Seems like the starter may have froze up when we hit the ditch teh other day. Ugh! Plus we still have to get a tire repaired, which we are on our way to do right now. Ho Ho Ho!!

We also went to The Forks yesterday, in search of some honey. Couldn't find any. A new supplier instead, which we didn't care to see. Wattaya gonna do??

Off to find a tire repair joint!!

Chow for now!!

Winter Wonderland

Greetings, any of you not out doing last-minute Christmas shopping today! Enjoy your Ultimate Fighting Experience in the malls!!

I’ve got a little story to share today, the story of two crazy travelers that decided it might be fun to drive across Canada. In the winter. Did I already mention Canada and winter??

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided at the last minute (last week) to drive out to Winnipeg (just south of The North Pole) to visit family over Christmas. Just a few days – a short, whirlwind dose of family for the holidays.

However, due to a lack of advance planning (and any excess of active brain cells), we decided it might be fun to take a little road trip. Across Canada. In the winter…

We left Alberta yesterday morning, bright and early. Even the sun was still sleeping in when we pulled out of our driveway.

Despite worries, once we hit the highway, the roads were clear and dry - not even a skiff of snow. We were able to focus on enjoying our in-dash Karaoke. Nothing beats the boredom of the open road like sing-songs with the legendary Engelbert Humperdinck…

We had breakfast along the way, and eventually entered Saskatchewan (a real name, I’m not making that up), Canada’s side-by-side refrigerator freezer with Manitoba. Again, no snow, not even a skiff. It was dandy.

We stopped for a lunch break in Moose Jaw (again, a real name. You really can’t make this stuff up. Don’t even get me started on Carrying The Kettle First Nations…) From there, MTDG took over the driving, while I kept an ongoing count of the roadside critter carnage. If you’re a deer reading this today – STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM SASKATCHEWAN HIGHWAYS!! Over the course of our travel through that province, we spotted numerous deceased deer, a dead coyote, a dead pheasant, a dead owl, and even what we thought might have been a dead wolf. This may soften my difficulties with PETA, once I report this killer province to them!

Anyhoo, all was going well, until Manitoba. We finally started to see some evidence of snow by that point. And rolling fog. But still, considering we were traversing Canada, in the winter, not too shabby.

Then things started to go awry. By the time we hit Brandon, there was blowing snow that developed into white-out conditions. Sure, you could FEEL the highway under the truck, but where you were ON it was a vague question mark…

We forged on, eager to finally arrive in Winnipeg after hours and hours and hours and hours in a moving tin can. By this time, even Engelbert was starting to grate on our nerves.

I guess family members had been watching weather and road conditions, because we started to get some text messages asking if we were OK, and who would get our big screen TV in case anything HAD happened.

By this time, just past Portage la Prairie (a French term for “carry a field in your pocket), things looked pretty good, and we were pretty determined to just get the hell to Winnipeg. This close, we thought we were out of the woods. Not that we were ever in any actual woods, but we were driving by some forests.

We texted and e-mailed everyone that we were fine, and just 30 kilometres outside of the city. Mere minutes from arrival.

Here’s the irony part of the story. Within two minutes of letting everyone know we were OK, and almost safely in, a semi blew by us, totally whiting out the road. Had to hit the brakes. For future reference, NEVER hit the brakes on an icy highway. The last thing we saw was a striped pole, which I thought was the back of the semi, and MTDG thought was a gas line. Turned out to be the last pole on the roadside, as we plummeted full-steam into the ditch. Into snow that was up to our knees, once we got out of our Jeep. Burgundy, thanks for asking.

Obviously we’re here, as you are reading today’s posting. We had a Good Samaritan stop and offer to help, but the most amazing part was an AAA tow truck that appeared almost right away, as he happened to be in the area. He had us out in just a few minutes, and back on our way in no time. We saw (within seconds) a sign saying we were just 15 kilometres out of town. That close…

Anyhow, we arrived at our hotel hours after we were supposed to. But we arrived. Holy Toledo!!

As a side note, we had a full moon lighting our way for most of our trip. Almost like a northern star. Something was sure with us last night!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Shiver me timbers, my smooth-skinned friends! It’s cluckin’ cold out there this morning!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I really need to arrange some indoor bathroom facilities here – going outside in the winter is for the pluckin’ birds!!

Anyhoo, the big day is comin’ up quick, so I gotta give ya some gift ideas, so as to maximize my stack a gifts, Christmas mornin’. If I wait for the roommates, I’ll be lucky if I get a freakin’ necktie!! They ain’t all that bright here…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Oh yeah, if you’re havin’ trouble readin’ the cartoon I posed with today, double-click on the picture. I think that makes it bigger, but I been wrong, before, and frankly – I don’t give a feathery buttock if ya can read it or not!

Humans……..

So, my gift list, if yer so inclined to play Sanny Claus:

-A new ball cap. I said it was cold, ain’t ya listenin’???

-The new Celine Dion CD and DVD set. I told ya I needed something for my indoor plumbin’!!

-6 Chicks a layin’. I have no idea where that classic 12 days of Christmas song mentions geese a layin’, but Charlie prefers his chicks. Yeh, baby.

-Any size product by my cousin, Wild Turkey.

-Peace on earth. Hey, I ain’t entirely selfish!

Merry Cluckin’ Christmas To All, And To All A Good Sight!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

OK, I have planted a little diversion for Mrs. That Dan Guy this morning (a shoe catalogue), in the hopes of getting this post past her notice. She seems to be struggling with embracing DRUM QUEST 2007…

So, I may only have but a short time to reiterate my case here, before she browses through the lovely colour photos of hundreds of new shoes, most of which she owns already anyway. But, I digress…

Ladies and gentlemen, I solemnly promise that I will NEVER hold out my hand again, if we can come to some sort of terms on this DRUM QUEST 2007. Why, I’m virtually giddy with excitement, thinking about MTDG awakening Christmas morning, to the enthusiastic sounds of “Wipe-out”, or “Smoke On The Water”, or at least what I hope will sound like the drum sections of those songs.

And, here’s the best part! You’ll be helping me get a jumpstart on my 2008 fitness plan! That’s right people, drums are hard work! Drums require lots of arm-flailing, which I believe is the seated equivalent of jogging. You’d pretty much be saving my life, by contributing to DRUM QUEST 2007!!

So, here’s the deal. Simply mail a set of new or used drums (try not to cheap out) to the address on my “Contact Me” page on my website, which you can hit via my Blogger Profile. I will then send out a tax-deductible receipt that will not be recognized by any government agency.

This humble man thanks you in advance. Now, hurry your ass up, and get those drums in the mail!!

Chow for now!!

DRUM QUEST 2007

Due to high demand (from within my own head), I’m launching a rather late campaign to help bring the pounding rhythms of drums to the Such Is Life Household.

All kidding aside, I’ve often considered that I may be a natural-born drummer. I’ve never actually been on a set of drums before, but that shouldn’t predispose a person from grasping at a dream. A dream to march to my own beat. A dream to “snare” a set of drums!

And, this isn’t one of my typical selfish pipedreams this time! Mrs That Dan Guy has ALSO hinted in the past that she’d like to become a drummer. Man, to see MTDG doing her air drums routine alone makes this plea all the more worthwhile. You could help put real drumsticks in her hands!!

So, I realize that I’ve left this kind of last minute, but really, anything would help to move this up to the next level, and make DRUM QUEST 2007 a reality. A set of bongos, a tambourine…ANYTHING drum related. I know a large Chinese gong is maybe getting my hopes up, but…

Ah, I just have to go for it. Santa never sleeps, especially when a dream is on the line. A dream, and a calling that I can hear in the quietest moments of the night. “Pa-rum-pa-pum-pum”.

Thank you.

Chow for now!!

Man, I got me some pep in my step this morning! Yabba Dabba Doo!!

Did you ever have one of those mornings where you really wished you had a set of drums? I could be serenading Mrs. That Dan Guy right now (as she’s getting ready to go to work), with a hearty rendition of “Let There Be Drums”!

Do I know how to play a set of drums? Well, no, but frankly I’ve never let little minor obstacles like musical capabilities stand in the way of my (pipe) dreams. Whatever I might end up playing probably wouldn’t sound like the original composition, but I’m sure she’d embrace my hearty attempts. Volume, they say, covers many flaws!!

You know, we do have some old pots and pans in the basement that we were planning on donating. Maybe I’ll set them up in the kitchen, and test-drive the waters a bit, so to speak. I wonder if I still have that old muppet costume up in the attic? It has been some time since I went out for Halloween as Animal…

Chow for now!!

Nanu Nanu!!

Just sayin’…

Holy Tuxedo, it’s getting’ pretty close to Dec. 25th! There’s less than a week now to get off your cabooses, and finish up your shopping, get your cards in the mail, all that fun holiday stuff.

Unless you’re some sort of weirdo, and you’ve already gone and done it all by now. Where’s the fun in that? Jostling with fellow shoppers in a crowded mall – discovering that even 27-piece tool sets have long since sold out, never mind the most popular gifts this year. THAT’S the spirit of Christmas!!

Here at the Such Is Life household, we’re taking pretty much the same approach we do every year. We discuss getting things done in November, then forget it entirely until about this time of December, and suddenly we spend the next few evenings running around like Charlie with his head cut off (ha ha ha!!), wrestling with some remarkably fit senior for the last box of Pot Of Gold chocolates.

Anyway, consider this my last warning – for this years’ Christmas tasks - get out there, and “git ‘er done”!!

Chow for now!!

Whew! Rough night last night. Didn’t get much sleep at all, for a combination of reasons. I feel like an old left-over Eggo waffle that’s been run over by a mini-van. Very sluggish…

I have all the consistency this morning of a bowl of Pork ‘N Beans, that’s been left sitting at the table too long…

I’ve got about as much pep in my step as a plastic fern. I’ve got less vim and vinegar in me today than a wooden shoe.

If personal energy levels gave off a measurable electrical force, I wouldn’t be able to power up an electric toothbrush.

My zip-a-dee-do-dah is mourning the loss of zip-a-dee-ay….

Like a dog, I’m feeling “ruff”…

Chow for now!!

Pretty overcast for a “Sun”day. Just sayin’…

So, we’re getting pretty close to crunch time, if you’re Christmas shopping for friends and family that live out of town. Canada Post, U.S. Post, Fed-Ex – they all have limited capabilities for delivering parcels that you’ve wrapped up, just in time for Dec. 24th. Those probably won’t make it to their intended recipients on time.

So, if you’re struggling with what to get that particular group of people, here’s a few handy suggestions, free of charge no less, to ease your burden, and ensure that your Christmas packages arrive in plenty of time:

a) Weed N Feed – who doesn’t have lawn in their yard, and the frustrating weeds that come along with it? This will be a cherished and appreciated gift, once opened.
b) A dog collar – it works if they already have a dog, and promises of the joy to come if they don’t. And, if you’ve ever seen “Pulp Fiction”…
c) Macaroni – It’s a tasty treat, AND a godsend for crafters. Get your weekly required dosage of carbs, or create an entire army of smiling cotton ball snow-people!!
d) Snowman Poop – Who doesn’t appreciate a good laugh around the holiday season. But PLEASE – make sure you’ve bought the novelty ones made from mini-marshmallows, NOT the packages a disgruntled neighbourhood kid is selling…
e) A harmonica – when you want to give the gift of music, but just can’t afford to ship a set of bagpipes…
f) CD’s – I understand you can pick up last year’s Paris Hilton CD for less than a dollar now…and I guarantee you, NOBODY has heard it!!
g) Light bulbs – who hasn’t had a light bulb burn out, only to find that they don’t have any lying around the basement? Give the gift of illumination this year!
h) A mouse – relive that classic holiday poem on Christmas morning, when they open up a box and a wee mouse jumps out! “Not a creature is stirring” – now it is!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Up your nose, with a rubber hose, feather-free mammal people!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Yer lookin’ at a sorrowful group here, my big-eared friends. My buddies and I are shown havin’ a little bonding time, after the memorial service for our pal Willard P. Mallard – one damn fine duck. A victim of fowl play. He choked on frozen bread crumbs. Hell of a way to go…

So, we had a service yesterday, and a few of us birds had a chance to remember ole Willie. As ducks go, he was no chicken, but us feathered folks gotta stick together. We’re all part of the same big flock, if ya know what I mean. Feathers are thicker than water. Or some other crappy sayin’ that sounds like that…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Willard was a free spirit, who waddled wherever the pluck he wanted to. He’d always be up for a game of “Duck Duck Goose”, or just goosing in general. Hey, ducks like getting’ goosed too!

One thing I remember the most about Will was that he had always hoped to go to medical school, but we used to tease him about that. I’d tell him “Why does the medical community need another quack?”

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!!!

Ooooooh. I think I made my head hurt with that one. I gotta go lie down…

Cluck for now!!

Today will likely be the last of the TV catch-phrase instalments, but I suppose never say never, eh??? I'm pretty sure (by the way) that instalment is spelled incorrectly, but Spell-Check says it's right, so who am I to argue??

OK, so I promised yesterday that we’d reflect on the popular jargon of Fonzie, from the beloved long-running sitcom “Happy Days”, who was often known to famously utter:

“Aaaay”

“Whoa!”

and also occasionally

“Cool it”.

Man, they just don’t write TV like that anymore… Denny Crane.

*******************************************************

So, we missed out on seeing Bon Jovi last night, as they rolled back through town for the second time, in under 5 months. Sold out again. Ya snooze ya lose, as Charlie might say to help console us.

In honour of their visit, I have spritzed my hair to resemble as closely as possible Mr. Bon Jovi’s classic “do” from the 1980’s. One notable difference is the wider “part” I have between both sides… Some might better describe it as “an over-abundance of scalp”…

Hey, I have a buddy (and frequent contributor to these postings) in Winnipeg that looks an awful lot like Jon Bon Jovi! I’m going to see if I have a picture kicking around, and try to get that posted over the next few days. We’ll do a comparison.

Chow for now!!

And this is how I so often find that I have painted myself into a corner…

The other day I made a comment about TV catchphrases, and then I got distracted by something bright and shiny. In this case, my computer screen, I suppose. I could also blame this lapse on Microsoft Windows’ Vista, which I still believe is The Devil incarnate, trying to destroy mankind by thwarting technology. But that’s beside the point. May Bill Gates begin to grow oranges under his armpits…huge, sweaty oranges.

So, the TV catchphrase I alluded to following up on was Jimmy “J.J.” Walker’s famous blurb on that old 70’s sitcom classic “Good Times”. However, after surfing The Google (NOT Microsoft – Yay Google!! You go, G.), I found that Mr. Walker’s repertoire of exclamations to be rather limited. To be honest, I had hoped for a bit more.

So, here we go:

“Dyn-O-Mite!!!”

And the only other one I could find:

“Kid Dyn-O-Mite!!”

Now, let me assure you, these limited catchphrases were hilarious back in the day. Even just typing them onto the page brought a little chuckle out.

And here’s a sidebar to this wacky little (derailed) train of thought. MTDG & I actually SAW Jimmy “J.J.” Walker Live, at a comedy club several years back. He was terrific, a real pro – funny as you might expect. But I think “Dyn-O-Mite” was off-limits at that stage of his career.

Ah, the circle of life…

Coming up soon – The Fonzie, who I think had a much wider range in his exclamatory catch-phrases…

Chow for now!!

12 12 07. Cool!

I am stuck on Band-Aids, cause Band-Aids stick on me.

Just sayin’…

I recently became the proud new owner of an over-sized pen. It was in a gift basket we acquired over the weekend. Maybe you’ve seen these things? They look like they might be more appropriate for Shaquille O’Neal, or The Giant from Jack & The Beanstalk. Makes me laugh whenever I use it. And, I always lower my voice, even if there’s no one else around to hear it. Go figure…

Now I need to find a giant-sized notepad, and some giant-sized envelopes, and I’ll feel like a giant myself, as I write a little letter to somebody. Somebody really short.

Anybody out there done with their holiday shopping? We haven’t even started yet. What’s the rush, I figure? All we need to do is relax, it will all work out in the end. No matter how much we drag our feet, we always come through in the end.

The end. Now there’s a good thought.

Chow for now!!

“Cowabunga, dude!!”

Every once in a while, I like to salt these postings with current, pop culture catchphrases. Tomorrow, a quote from Kid Dyno-Mite himself – J.J. Walker!!

Where was I? Oh yeah, I don’t think I was anywhere at all, really…

Do you ever find yourself wondering if fish get runny noses? And if so, how do they blow them? I experimented once with some Kleenex under water (OK, in the bathtub – what of it??), and I’ll tell you, they can’t possibly use THAT product. What a flippin’ mess!!

If fish don’t get runny noses, does the cure for the common cold lay within fishy DNA?? You don’t really see them hacking (cough), so the runny nose thing could just be one piece of the puzzle. Or could it?? If they don’t cough, maybe they ARE immune to colds!!

Now, I take triple fish oil pills every day, so I wonder if any of their amazing powers might develop in me?? Imagine – no more boxes of Kleenex emptying around the house (every day, it often seems), no more hot lemon drinks to suppress a persistent hack (cough) – it would be wonderful!!

I’ll let you know how this little experiment works out. Today, I’ll try and expose myself to some common cold virus – they’re common after all, how hard can they be to find?

More to come! Stay tuned!

Hey, come back here!! Where are you going………….

Chow for now!!

Monday morning. The streets are quiet, almost too quiet.

Oh sure, there’s a few cars idling outside - early bird owners that will no doubt beat us into the downtown rush hour.

But otherwise, awfully quiet out there.

I suppose I could go out there and liven things up a bit if I took out my set of extra-large cymbals. Who doesn’t love a good marching band, even if it is a bit on the smaller size, in regards to membership?

Or, I could get an early start on the carolling I hope to do this year! Folks might appreciate a hearty little helping of “”Frosty The Snowman”, as they get out of the shower. My portable megaphone does a dandy job of distributing vocals, in the quiet of an early morn.

Really quiet…

Whoops! There’s my toast popping up! I suppose my efforts to fill the Monday morning quiet will have to wait. I got me a date with some peanut butter…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Chicken. Charlie Chicken. Shaken, and stirred. I want it all, baby!!

So, you may be wondering why I’m lookin’ so cluckin’ debonair today. Well, fleshy humanoids with nasal hair, I’m revealin’ that I have been deluding you all along. I’m not some classless chicken that thinks with his pants, and smokes more than the average smelter factory. Brace yourself, kiddies – I’m a pluckin’ super spy!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, you heard me right. I’m in the British Secret Service, and my badge officially reads Agent 000. Top a’ the class! I’m licensed to kill, but I’m also know to make a killer omelette as well!

(Sssh!! Don’t tell the other chickens that! Our little secret!!!)

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

So, why have I chosen to reveal my see-cret eye-dentity now? Well, to be honest, I’m a little pissed at the mammals here in the house, for not only GOING to see guitar god Eddie Van Halen without me, but then havin’ the cluckin’ gall to BUMP ME, to brag about it!!

So, I used my pull wit the Queen, and my next assignment involves (and I have to use a bit a code here, if ya know what I mean) whackin’ my heartless roommates. At least the big one, with the baldin’ issues. I’m gonna show him a Goldfinger he won’t forget…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, I ask you all to kindly forget I had this temporary lapse in judgement, and felt the need to lay my cards on the table. Banjo Boy, though...read ‘em and weep!!

Buk-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Cluck for now!!!

Charlie Gets The Hook Today!! (Come back tomorrow, for your weekly dose of that foul fowl!)

So that we can bring you:

The (Late) Saturday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – VAN HALEN (Whoo-hoo!!)

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Some sons go fishing with their dad. Others help them out with chores around the house, for allowance money.

If you happen to be Wolfgang Van Halen, you’re going to be joining your dad Eddie on his current world tour, kickin’ out bass licks in arenas filled with crazy, screaming fans.

Yessir, with the exception of the original bass player, Van Halen circa 1980’s was in town last night. I had hoped to find my old pair of black and white parachute pants, but alas, it was not meant to be. Mrs. That Dan Guy must have slipped them out to a needy family while I wasn’t paying attention.

As it was, I was driving her nuts by “Jump”ing around while we were getting ready yesterday.

This was the first time we’ve both ever seen the lads, and what a show! They erupted onto the stage with their cover of The Kinks “You Really Got Me”, and it was a roller-coaster of hits following that opener. Well, there were a few dull spots where they did songs that weren’t so big, but the hits brought the crowd back to life every time.

When they did “Running With The Devil”, the whole crowd started pumping their hands out, with the pinkie and index finger sticking out like devil horns. I had a malfunction, and only my pinkie finger stuck out. It was like I was having a British cup of tea!!

It was pretty dark, so I think I avoided enormous embarrassment…

I can also see why the group decided to reunite, and hit the road again. The divorce for Eddie and Valerie Bertinelli must have hit him pretty hard – he couldn’t even afford a shirt of any kind – he performed the entire show shirtless! For the love of God, if these guys are coming to your town, buy some tickets. If I find my parachute pants, I’ll send them along to him…

They covered songs from the first five albums (David Lee Roth’s era), and for the most part, it was amazing. Some songs kind-of sounded the same, but reworkings of others were a real treat (Hey, I’m not going to list the whole dang show. If you want to know what they played, surf The Google like I did yesterday afternoon, for Van Halen set list…)

A real highlight was Mr. Roth coming out solo with an acoustic guitar, and telling a lengthy story about how “Ice Cream Man” became part of their routine, before the band rejoined him, and sizzled the side bacon out of the song. Frickin’ stellar, dude.

We hadn’t heard a single word about who was opening the show. When the lights went down, a reggae band started playing “Jammin”. Great, I thought, a flippin’ cover band. Well, the cover artist was Ky-Mani Marley, Bob’s son!! Who went on to roll out a terrific set of his own, along with a few more of “his old man’s” hits, like “No Woman No Cry”, and “I Shot The Sheriff”. What a bonus!

Actually, he was a pretty appropriate warm-up act, considering the odour that wafted throughout the Saddledome all night long. Mary Jane was definitely in the house!

Finally (my fingers are getting really, really tired), the stage was like a giant “S”, which arguably could be suggested to symbolize infinity, or the 8 PM start time of the show.

Or “Sammy”, as in Hagar, if the Van Halens were playing a cruel prank on Diamond Dave…

Chow for now!!

Charlie returns tomorrow!!

Might as well Jump! Jump!

Go ahead, Jump!

I said Jump!

Hmmm. Can’t seem to get that song out of my head this morning. Go figure. Maybe I need to hop for some reason?? Jumping Jacks?? Was I Jumpin’ jack Flash in another life??

Very puzzling…

However, that should not diminish the efforts I must lay out this morning to mend fences with The People For The Ethical Treatment Of Animals, who clearly spend waaaay too much time reading this here blog.

First off, yesterday’s commentary on freezing goldfish was entirely fabricated, and never intended to persuade children all over the world to put go out and try putting Goldie into The Stiffening Compartment of their parents’ refrigerator. Really, if you go back and look at it, I believe I offered a heartfelt-ish plea NOT to induce frostbite on Little Flipper.

At the very least, I seem to recall saying “DON’T do it” in the post, which I thought pretty much spoke for itself. If I said “DON’T strangle turnips”, would that get the vegetarians of the world upset?? Some folks are just far too sensitive.

Well, what’s done is done. I’ll try to be less of a corrupting force on the impressionable minds of the world. Charlie does a good enough job of that.

Right now I need to try defrosting a guppy.

Kidding!!!

Chow for now!!

Today seems like a good day to try and give a short, impromptu science lesson.

Kids, if you put a live goldfish in the freezer before you go to bed at night, there is really nothing that current medical science can do to wake him back up again, the next morning.

Don’t do it.

Thank you. Any questions??

Chow for now!!

You know, you just don’t see all that many Speedos when the temperature hits -20 Celsius…

Not that you see all that many even in warmer weather, thank God, but they are far more plentiful when the thermometer is on the plus side of the scale. The worst combination – a Speedo and roller skates. Some things were just never meant to be mobile.

Although, worse than a Speedo on roller skates might be a Speedo on a trampoline, even though I’m sure there’s some out there that might disagree. I for one don’t even care to imagine a Speedo unless it’s hidden appropriately under a large piece of canvas awning.

How did I even get started on this? I REALLY need to start pre-planning some morning topics…

Chow for now!!

Today’s lesson is brought to you by the letter “T”.

No, wait a minute – that’s Sesame Street. There’s no lessons here, aside from “never give in to a chicken’s repeated requests to take typing classes”.

“Less on” would be more accurate. I’m sitting here in a bathrobe and bunny rabbit slippers, eyes barely open, and hoping that just once my brain will cooperate. “Less on” my mind, “less on” period…

But, I digress. At least I think I do. When you don’t have a point, can you still be digressing from it?

And why did I consider having the letter “T” sponsor today’s blog? What has “T” ever done for me?

Although, I must admit, my beloved potato chips would simply sound odd without a “T” – poao chips. Sounds…well, it sounds like Bali slang for a potty break.

Good grief! This blog is entirely out of control! Is there some larger subliminal force at play here? Bathrobe, potty break?? What is the uniting theme, if indeed there is any theme at all?

And if the theme is the bathroom, wouldn’t “P” have been a better choice for a letter sponsor?

Just sayin’…

Chow for now!!

Could it GET any colder??

Well, I suppose it could, so I should be grateful…and just clamp my beak.

-18 Celsius this morning. We’re stuck with this “refrigerator” system for the next week at least, but it is December after all. I don’t often find a great risk of sunburn, at this time of year. Canada – the ice cube tray of Upper North America…

So, what can people do for fun, when it gets this cold outside?? Certainly not teeter-tottering, when the teeter freezes into place before it totters.

You can still jog. I sure as hell won’t, but you could. I’d spill my hot cocoa if I moved faster than a waddle.

That was “waddle”, not “waffle”, just to clarify…

You could play some street hockey, or broomball. Or curl. Those are all real sports by the way, although admittedly primarily popular in Canada, the Bahamas of the Arctic…

You could even play normal games, like Hide ‘N Seek, although if you Hide longer than 3-4 minutes, you do risk hypothermia. Ten bucks says Seek is sitting comfortably in a warm rumpus room, sitting on their rumpus, while you shiver behind the garbage cans in your back yard.

Man, all this talk is making me timbers shiver. I need to put a few more mini-marshmallows in my hot chocolate.

Chow for now!!

First off, I should probably start today by apologizing to Blogger.com, who had their wonderful site slammed yesterday by Charlie. Who was trying to load his epic ego-fest, and became testy when it took longer than 4 seconds to load. For a pre-plucked chicken, he sure can get his feathers in a knot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By the beard of Odin – it’s December 2nd already!! What is going on????

It’s bad enough November blew by so quickly – it is after all one of those wannabe months, with only 30 days. But now December is shooting by, after just a day or so of arriving. I’m not sure I can handle all this reckless speeding of the calendar!!

All of which just concerns me, as we have yet to decorate the Such Is Life household, aside from the outdoor Christmas lights I strung back when it wasn’t -22 Celsius. We are really falling behind this year. Mrs. That Dan Guy will need to pull up her socks this morning, and get crackin’. First, she may want to put on some socks. We’re pretty slow going so far today…

Can I still say “Christmas” anymore? What do the PC Police have to say about that? Who am I offending by just even mentioning “Meli Kalikimaka”, “Feliz Navidad”, or “Joyeux Noel”??? Aside from the language feature on my Spell-Checker…

Well, who cares!! I’m invoking my right as a…a…my right as…a fan of Santa Claus. He’s pretty neutral. Santa is like the Switzerland of the holiday season.

Hey, I think I hear snoring downstairs!! I better go make sure MTDG hasn’t nodded off again…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey humans! I hear winter has hit parts of Canada lately. Here in sunny Calgary, I'm just chillin'.

Oh sure, it's a bit cold, but elsewhere there's been snow snow snow. Wons wons wons. I got green grass to lounge on, and the poultry bumps on the chick I'm seein' now are outta sight!

Wow! That's a really old expression...

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

I've had a little surprise planned the last couple of weeks, but good ole Blogger seems to be incapable of loadin' it. Workin' about as good as Banjo Boy's Vista. Har Har Har!!!

Wattaya gonna do? I don't got all cluckin' morning to wait for some crappy surprise - I got eggs to hatch. Well, they ain't mine, but I agreed to sit on 'em, so that's what's a bird to do??

Man, I'm gettin' a little sweaty, loungin' around in the buff.

Hey, my surprise finally loaded!

Enjoy this Fowl Medley!

Cluck for now!!

Holy Toledo!!

It’s almost flippin’ December! What happened to November? I had big pans for this month.

Ha! I think I’ll leave that typo in. Big pans. Yessir, I had really big pans in November, and we cooked up all kinds of wonderful meals in them. The best one may have been German sausages, simmered in melted cheese, with cornmeal muffins.

As for any PLANS I may have had for November, well – that’s all water under the fridge now. Although, we did have a rather hectic month, what with a few road trips and other commitments.

I also found out this month that Stitches, The Journal Of Medical Humour folded. Over the years, I’ve had a number of pieces published in that national magazine, and they had accepted two more pieces prior to deceasing. That would go a long way to explaining why I haven’t seen a copy of those pieces, or more importantly, the dough that accompanies them.

Ugh…

Well, back to the drawing board. That means I’ve got two more pieces that may find life elsewhere. I just have to find a magazine with the similar medical slant that those guys preferred in their submissions.

They were pretty whimsical though. I don’t think they’d fit in Cadaver Monthly….

Chow for now!!

MTDG

Miller, The Draft Genuine

Might Tickle That Girl

Must Toss Dis Gum

Mighty Teeth Dent Grape

More Terrific Dashing Guy (hmm...not a bad new title for this page...)

Mucho Terrible Dancing Guy

Many Threads Do Gather

Merit The Dog Thunder (?????)

My Throat Does Gargle

Money This, Doogie Guy!! (????)

Mundane Thoughts, Done Gooder

My Theory Decrees Grandeur

Must These Dimwitties Go (on)????

Chow for now!!

I have decided that I am able to foretell the future. I’ve probably had “the gift” all along, I just wasn’t attuned to it. All the years that I’ve read my daily horoscope may have sharpened it a bit, but as of this moment, I am willing to put my powers to use, for the benefit of mankind.

So, with a bold statement like that, you’re probably expecting some sort of proof of these amazing powers. Well, you’re gonna have to go whistle, because this morning, my muse is weak, like the coffee I accidentally made by running the same grinds through the coffee maker from yesterday. Boy, I should have been able to see THAT coming, being able to tell the future and all…

However, weakened as I am, I can still toss out a few noodles, so as to dazzle and impress you:

-The Calgary Flames will lose another game, very soon.
-Charlie D. Chicken will appear in this very space, Saturday morning.
-Our milk will go sour in exactly two weeks.
-I will be rejected during my audition for Yodel Idol.
-This spring, many species of birds will migrate back to this country.
-Mrs. That Dan Guy will have a bad hair day sometime next week, and will kick an empty Kleenex box in abject frustration.
-Every morning for the next week, I will eat a cookie after I arise.
-Britney Spears will be videotaped passing gas in court.
-On Saturday, Dec. 1, there will be a point in the day where clocks read 12:34 PM for 60 full seconds.
-Within five minutes of finishing today’s blog, I will walk into a wall or a coffee table.

Amazing, eh?? I know, I’m like that Amazing Crestor guy that used to be on TV. I vow that I will never use my powers for personal gain.

But I may use them to avoid banging into those coffee tables…

Chow for now!!

We have achieved snow here in Calgary, and this time it looks like it might stay – at least until a balmy Chinook breezes in, and melts it away/makes flowers sprout/causes the lawn to begin growing again/generally makes things nice and warm again. We love our Chinooks. Hey, wouldn’t that be a great name for a hockey team??

So, I must now confess that we have just returned from a very short, short, short return trip to Winterpeg, which coincided with their loss in the Grey Cup final. For anyone we didn’t get to see, we sincerely apologize, but between the lack of time, and the flippin’ snow that was coming down Monday – well, we just didn’t get to make as many rounds this time. On the plus side (depending on your perspective), we will be back.

Our flight back home yesterday was on a primitive puddle-jumper. No TV, not even music channels. You can even watch TV while horseback riding now, so I don’t know what we did wrong to get ripped off so badly. Even the in-flight magazines (I would normally ignore aside from being a good place to dispose of my used chewing gum) were non-existent. I might have actually tried to read one, and learn about some exotic vacation destination that the airline flies to, masquerading as a piece of composition. They’re crafty, those in-flight magazines…

So, we ended up playing the sole game that comes installed on our Blackberry handhelds – an updated version of Pong. Which for the record, I have mastered months ago. And which Mrs. That Dan Guy whupped my caboose after just a few tries, almost doubling my highest score. I should have recognized all the signs (no TV, no music, no hope), and known that I was doomed from the get-go…

Chow for now!!

Sigh…

Bummer, man. I had so much confidence that my hometown (original hometown, not the two most recent hometowns) Winnipeg Blue Bombers were going to slaughter the Green Team from Saskatchewan. And yet, they did not – falling to defeat in the championship game. I am crushed, a broken man. It is entirely unlikely anything will bring cheer back to me, today.

Hey, I’ve got Rice Krispy Square for breakfast!! Yowza! Yabba Dabba Doooooooo!!!!!

Happy days are here again!

So, now I have absolutely NO sporting events to get excited about until the Stanley Cup playoffs, later this summer. I don’t follow pro cricket, volleyball, Nascar, lacrosse, dodgeball, tennis, golf, pillow-fighting, badminton, horseshoes, basketball, or hopscotch. I do watch a bit of poker, but some would suggest that’s not really a sport. To them I say – fooey! I can’t really back that up with an explanation, but how often do you get to say fooey, anyhow??

Chow for now!!

Go Bombers!!

Today is the Canadian Football League's Grey Cup final - and the Winnipeg Blue Bombers are going to whip some Saskatchewan patootie later this afternoon!

Of course, I'm rooting for the Bombers because we're from Winnipeg originally, but I'd be lying if I didn't say we rooted for B.C. when we lived there, and currently cheer on the Calgary Stampeders, seeing as how we hang our cowboy hats there, these days. Flexibility is handy, when one moves relatively frequently...

So, for any Canadian sports fans, this is a day that could be compared to the U.S. Super Bowl, or Sweden's Skittles Finale. It's big. Huge. Like seeing Lionel Ritchie live in the 80's.

You know, we've never seen Lionel Ritchie live. Wonder if he still tours??

At any rate, sometime this evening the Blue Bombers will be hoisting the championship trophy, and we'll know deep in our hearts that our support was instrumental in that success. All in a day's work, here at Such Is Life.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhh.............

Daddy's gonna need some quiet time today.....

AAAAWK!!

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn........

The roomies went out to an office Christmas party last night. Which left me alone here in the coop. Found a stash, and the rest is history. Me noggin is foggin'...

AAAAWK!!!

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnuuuuuuuu.............

Oh oh...here comes my breakfast burrito!!!

Cluck for now!!

Hey!

Hey!!

HEY!!!

Sheesh. What’s a person gotta do to get a little service around here?? I could use a muffin, or a fresh sticky bun, if you’re not doing anything better than plunking your caboose into a chair over there!!

Alright, who am I to get crabby? I’ll just go downstairs and get myself a dry old soda cracker, or lick a discarded banana peel – I’ll survive.

Be right back…
































OK, where were we? Oh yeah, entirely aimless, and without a point…

So, now that we’ve put on our exterior Christmas lights, more sheep are folding into the flock. I’ve spotted several more homes lit up now – more and more every night as we return home. Pretty soon, the whole dang street will look like a mini-Las Vegas strip – but without signs boasting Tom Jones’ pending performance.

Who by the way, is coming to Calgary. We’ll pass on seeing him, as we already have. Way back when we still used to live in Winnipeg. Terrific show. The man has pipes.

Our current concert calendar is a little barren right now. I don’t think we have any shows coming up until December. I could go into withdrawals at any time.

Well, this has certainly been a monumental waste of everyone’s time today. My humble apologies. I really should have my second cup of coffee before I sit down to do this.

Chow for now!!

Just for the sake of it, I decided to check my website hits yesterday, and found that the number was 2222.

Whoa!

There’s that wacky number thing again! The only thing that would have been spookier was if I had done it today (the 22nd), and that phenomenon occurred.

Maybe I should’ve bought a lottery ticket, or at least driven to the closest poker table to try my luck. I just don’t know what it is - me and those recurring and/or sequential numbers.

Hey, here’s another set of numbers that sums up my thoughts so far on Microsoft’s new operating system, Vista – 0000. What a piece of…it’s just …the thing is…

What can I say? Who am I kidding? It blows.

But, that could just be me. I have trouble with my electric can opener, so I’ll admit that I may be the one lacking the necessary skills. Who cares if you have to reboot the computer three or four times, just to check for new e-mails? It’s new and improved – there’s going to be a few little glitches!

Who cares if the new operating system is only compatible with brand-new Microsoft software and hardware? I really wasn’t all that fond of my peripherals anyway. You don’t have to bend my arm too hard to get me to agree to buying a new printer, digital camera, speakers, keyboard, mouse, screensaver, modem, router, power bar, blank CD-RW’S, Microsoft™-approved #2 Pencil, Microsoft™-approved ballpoint pen with Vista logo, floppy disks, headphones, Microsoft™-approved recycled white printer paper, and a complete rewiring of my home office, just so that I can be Vista compatible. It’s a small price to pay. I’m a team player, after all.

Even if the team is The Seattle Pirates…

Chow for now!!

Ugh…

The last couple of mornings have been awfully brutal on this old fart. I’ve had to get up HALF AN HOUR earlier than normal!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy has had a two-day symposium thingy she has had to attend, clear across town, at this ungodly early-morning hour. Rather than hop on a city bus at 4:00 AM, I’ve amended my own schedule, to drive her in to this shindig. What, you can’t learn anything if you start at 10:00??????

So, at great personal sacrifice to my own military-styled daily regimen, I am rearranging my mornings to accommodate this variation to our daily lives:

- No more lounging with a coffee, scanning the morning paper – I guess I’ll have to hear about the Russians attacking on the car radio…
- No time to sit and soak in the morning news – I suppose I can always find out after the rest of the civilized world if the recently hospitalized Olsen twin will begin to intake solid foods once again…
- No more healthy breakfast, a staple of my morning for years. Now, I’m forced to grab a muffin on the run, or worse yet – take my chances in some restaurant. The sacrifices I’m willing to make for this lady’s schedule…sigh…
- No more primping in front of the mirror before we leave the house. Actually, that’s probably a good thing…

So, better run. MTDG is almost ready, and her chariot must await!!

Chow for now!!

I have succumbed to peer pressure, and last night officially lit our outdoor Christmas lights.

I’m such a sheep. I could have easily waited until my Dec. 1 self-imposed start date, but driving home from the airport Sunday night, we passed literally dozens of homes, aglow in the pleasurable illumination of Christmas decorations.

I see also that my humble display (one strip of mini-lights along the garage roofline) is woefully inadequate, sort of like a guy dressed in a silver suit, holding a 40-watt bulb outside a Las Vegas casino. I am currently under-Christmased…

So, what to do? We have a few inanimate decorations we put outside as well, like a wooden snowman, but maybe this is the year I have to purchase one of those 10’ inflatable snow globes, with a turbine fan that makes the inflatable carollers inside appear to move to the accompanying Christmas music soundtrack, played on weatherproof outdoor speakers?

Maybe this is the year I get arrested by a representative from PETA, for tying live reindeer up to the front entry of our home, decorated with live flashing Xmas lights on their antlers, and a questionable elf offering rides. Make your own joke there…

I wish I could be strong, but looking at the animated snowman across the street, and the elaborate décor of our neighbour’s yards, I just know that I’ll be slipping into our local Canadian Tire, and bringing home something that will cause Mrs. That Dan Guy to slap her forehead in absolute disbelief.

Tis the season!!

Chow for now!!

I had started to write an entirely different post this morning, but as I was typing out the last sentence for today’s blog, Windows decided to “update” my computer. I didn’t think fast enough to save the post, which may or may not appear tomorrow. Right now, I’m so pissed off at Windows I could throw their friggin’ system out of a real window…

We’ve upgraded to Vista, the newest system required to use a PC, the reason for which is pretty much a new operating system means brand-new stretch BMW’s all around, at Microsoft. If there’s any advantage to this new system, I have yet to see it. This is the second time I’ve lost a document due to the system needing to reboot with a "necessary" update. You just get rattled when the computer suddenly asks you to save something you’re still working on, so I hit cancel, and then it’s too late. Most computer viruses aren’t as efficient as Vista in screwing up what I’m working on.

You may be able to read between the lines here – I hate this flippin’ operating system, no matter what they feel may have improved since XP – which by the way happened to work just fine. But, if PC users all stayed on a system too long, there would be no new stretch BMW’s in Seattle, and The Grinch (or the terrorists) would win.

So, as a computer user, the minor sacrifice I have to occasionally make by losing the entire effort I have expended is a small price to pay, to keep Starbucks’ drive-thrus alive and vibrant in Washington state.

Why in God’s name didn’t I switch to Apple when I had the chance……………..

Chow for now!!

The whirlwind return to Kelowna is almost done…

Mrs. That Dan Guy & I have been back in Kelowna (where we lived for 13 or so years), for a presentation I was invited to speak at, here at the local regional library.

The bulk of the hair I used to have, while we lived here, remained absent…

The first night, we checked in to our hotel room, then raced off to a local watering hole (while they may actually serve water there, none of us was buyin’ it, if ya know what I mean…), to meet up with colleagues and former co-workers of MTDG. That was a blast, getting to see the old gang. Not “gang” like The Switchblade Skullcaps, more “gang” like “group”.

Sorry, and not “group” like Fleetwood Mac, more “group” like…oh for Pete’s sake, you know what I mean!!

At any rate, after a great visit with those folks, we returned to our hotel room, where we grabbed a few zzz’s, before getting up to get ready for my presentation.

To kill time until she was going to join me, MTDG happened to find (of all things) a casino, right beside the large downtown hotel, close to the library.

All right, I’m totally kidding here – we’ve always knew that the casino was there.

At any rate, she managed to pick up a few bucks over the half hour she had to kill, and returned with a little extra spring in her step, in time to catch my presentation.

Which went really, really well, aside from having to cut it by half, due to other parts of the morning running overtime. No big deal, I roll with the punches, even if they are just metaphorical. It was a good group of library supporters, which I support heartily myself. I had a ball, and there was enough laughter coming from the audience to assure me they may have, as well.

From the library event, we were off to visit with family we have out here, first time we’ve seen them in over a year.

First time they’ve seen my scalp, ever…

We had a good, long visit with them, until we felt it was necessary to get back here to our room, and crash. We’ve got a brunch date with some other friends, then we’re off to the airport, back to Calgary. Whirlwind tour, loads of fun!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Holy cluckin’ Toledo!! These turkeys did it again!!

Yesterday afternoon, I noticed Banjo Boy quietly packin’ up a suitcase, and paddin’ out to the garage. So, I hopped inta some carry-on luggage, and sure as shootin’ – once we picked up the Mrs. - we’re off to the pluckin’ airport!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Soon enough, we land in some joint called “Kelowna”. I ain’t been here before, but it looks pretty nice.

The timing of the trip stinks though. I had a buddy that was supposed to stop by a couple of days ago, and I ain’t heard a peep from him. As mice goes, he’s OK, but I wish he woulda called to say he was runnin’ behind…

Well, I’ll have to make the best of it. While my roommates are snoozin’, I’m gonna head down to the restaurant in this here hotel, and try an’ order some eggs and toast – that always freaks out the servers!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!

Cluck for now!

Oh brother…

Well, as it turns out, PETA may have been the least of my worries, regarding my recent do-it-yourself garage extermination…

During a preliminary investigation, something came up that I may have neglected to mention in yesterday’s posting. Namely, the little feller was lying (harder than a railroad spike) BESIDE the trap, not actually in it.

Now, you’d suspect that NOT being “whacked” inside a trap might be more humane, but the investigators are making noises about how this uninvited rodent may have had a weak heart, which gave out when the trap was set off, without him in it. As you might imagine, it literally spooked the intestinal waste right out of him. You may also choose NOT to imagine that...

I should have known something was awry when I made the transfer from garage floor to garbage bag. Namely, I didn’t have to release Marvin from the trap. He was deceased, to be sure, but any fool could have determined he had not succumbed to trap-related injuries, rather he may have (in his final moments) been quietly proclaiming: “Elizabeth…this is the big one…”

If all THAT weren’t bad enough, a representative from the local Tom Cat Union (TCU) stopped by yesterday afternoon, to inform me that an official inquiry has begun within THEIR organization, as I may have taken work away from a unionized neighbourhood cat. And a meal, it goes without saying – which is probably the real issue here, if they were to be entirely truthful with me…

So, as seems to be typical when it comes to me and animals, I’m up to my armpits in manure.

On the bright side, new traps have been mouse-free since Marvin’s removal…

Chow for now!!

Not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse…

Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve incurred the wrath of PETA, but after last night’s brief appearance as “The Mousinator”, I may have to start looking over my shoulder again.

It’s the time of year that critters are looking for warm accommodations, and last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy went into the garage, and (much to her dismay) discovered one of those critters, scampering along the floor.

Mustering up all her pluck and will, she ran back inside the house, and insisted I come downstairs. Which I did, being well-trained in voice modulation (when your spouse has a voice as high as a mouse's, you can bet there may be one in the immediate vicinity).

Between gasps of air, she described the scenario – small, furry rodent, garage.

It’s been many years since I’ve had to assume my “Mousinator” identity, and I’m happy to report that my costume still fit. Not much of a stretch, what with it being a pair of long underwear, with an old pillowcase for a cape. Although, it may have stretched a bit more than it has in past years...

Whatever. The point is, I went about my cold-blooded business, and here is where the squeamish may want to exit (or anyone associated especially with PETA).

Wheels were set in motion that spelled doom for the uninvited meece. Plans had been laid that would bring an abrupt end to active rodentry.

Cheese, desired for centuries by discerning mice, would play a crucial role in ending Mickey Junior’s inspection of our garage…

Within mere minutes of implementing “Mousinator”, we had achieved success.

A brief service was held this morning, which coincidentally happens to be garbage pickup day.

We will remain vigilant…

Chow for now!!

I have to confess here, I’m not a morning person.

Not one bit. Not one iota. Mrs. That Dan Guy generally has to go through an elaborate series of wake-up calls and coaxing with pastries to get me out of bed every morning. I’m worse than a four-year old.

Which always make me grin a bit every morning as I sit in front of this screen, and tap out these nutty little pieces. For one thing, I typically don’t even have both eyes open while I’m doing it.

I know, I know – most often it reads like I have BOTH eyes closed while I’m writing this stuff. That actually might be an improvement I should consider trying…

But that’s the idea. I do this to empty my mind, which I suppose begs the question – what exactly gets in there, overnight???? Also, what pastries are offered, to lure me out of bed?

Many…

Chow for now!!

Comforting news, watching TV lately…

More specifically, those “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials. For my money - a fun ad campaign, but also right-on-the-money with poking shots at Windows latest operating system – Vista.

The PC guy in those commercials is trying to stem the flow of Windows clients switching back to Windows XP, and I can believe that he ain’t just whistlin’ Dixie. Vista may appear to be a slick new operating system, in the same way that a 2008 Citron looks like a new car, but acts more like a tart yellow fruit.

To be honest, I don’t even know if they make Citrons anymore, but it seemed like an appropriate comparison. Vista sucks. Vista blows. Vista is about as competent as an appendectomy performed by a jittery kangaroo. Actually, the jittery kangaroo has a better chance of performing an appendectomy than Vista has…well, you get my point.

Don’t get me wrong! Vista looks slick enough. It’s just that any program or hardware you’ve gotten used to over the past year, sort-of may not work with Vista. Sort-of, like highly unlikely, unless you surf the Google for frantic updates every other computer organization has had to develop, to fix compatibility issues. I can now print again, after “upgrading” a relatively new printer with software that Vista deems to recognize. Happy day…

But perhaps I rant here. The clock and calendar that appears on my desktop is a fine replacement for actually being able to use software I picked up 3 months ago, now unrecognizable by Vista. The spinning circle is completely captivating, as I await any of my functions to commence. This may have been invented with cats in mind, it’s like a virtual ball of yarn.

But again, perhaps I rant. For now, I’ll see how long I last with this “improved” Windows operating system. And, I’ll enjoy those “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials even more than I used to…

Chow for now!!

Whewhoo! Late start to today’s edition. Humble apologies, we’re just taking a really lazy long weekend.

As a matter of fact, we haven’t gotten out of our p-jammies since Saturday morning. Completely dishevelled and unshaven, and I look even worse than her!!

As a matter of fact, even the dog has taken to passing us with a wide circle of avoidance.

Note to self: find out whose dog that is…

We’ll have to come to life at some point. I should have been working on stuff this weekend, and Mrs. That Dan Guy had originally planned to go into the office for a while. Looks like Cheezies and chocolate-covered almonds for brunch instead!!!

Interestingly enough, no solicitors knocking on the door, or telemarketers pestering us either, which is a pretty good long weekend, if I do say so myself.

Hey, I wonder if we missed The Price Is Right? We really shouldn’t have slept in so late.

And we really should have let that dog out earlier…

Note to self: Did we get a dog? I don’t remember getting a dog…

Well, what’s done is done. We’re up pretty much at the crack of noon, and the whole…um…afternoon is our oyster. Now we just have to shuck it.

That’s not a bad idea, after all.

Just shuck it…

Chow for now!!

I’ve written here before about my propensity to frequently see consecutive or multiple numbers:

1 2 3 4, 11:11, stuff like that. Most often on clocks or timers.

I’m not the only person that this happens to. If you surf the Google with 11:11, you’ll find all sorts of crackpots…um, I mean all sorts of interesting theories about coincidental numbers. Most common of all – it’s a gateway for alien visitations.

O-kay….

Whatever the occurrence means, I’ve been experiencing this for years. I’ll be working away, and glance up at a clock, and see that it’s 3:33.

Or, I’ll be making lunch, and glance at the stove, only to see the digital display reading 12:34.

Or, I’ll be in front of a slot machine, and suddenly 7 7 7 will appear. On the machine beside the one I’m playing… One thing for sure, this numerical quirk of mine isn’t related to wealth…

So, what is it all really about? I have no clue. But if there is some sort of cosmic importance, I always figure that today is one of the pivotal days of the year for this thing, as it happens to be 11/11.

And so, I wait. I wait for Ed McMahon to knock on my door with The Prize Patrol, or a representative of the Oreo Cookie Company, delivering my lifetime supply of those new cake cookies.

By late afternoon, I will remember that this thing generally doesn’t involve monetary windfalls, and dive headfirst into a bag of potato chips.

It ain’t pretty…

On a related note, don't forget to remember those who have fought for our freedom today.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

AK AK AK AK AK AK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whewhoo!!! Captain Charlie swoopin’ in, Top Gun!!

Hey humans! Ole Charlie’s just relivin’ his air force days, what with Remembrance Day/Memorial Day coming up this weekend.

Every year, I dig up the ole uniform, and take a few runs around the house. Brings back a lotta memories…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Betcha never knew I wuz a Top Gun once!

I know, I know, I’m a hot stud, a chick magnet that pretty much lives the life of luxury, but there was a time when I had hot aviation oil streamin’ down my beak, and the high-pitched whine of turbo engines rattlin’ my pinfeathers. I don’t like to brag, but I coulda even been a hero!

Exceptin’ that I served during a lengthy run of peace time, and it was only for a few months, until the powers that be figured out I could barely see over the dashboard of the fighter jets…cluckin’ low seats…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

OK, so I almost crashed the plane into a apple tree – It coulda happened to anyone, even someone that didn’t have to sit on a phone book to see…

They may have discharged me, but they couldn’t discharge the pluckin’ pride I took in being part of…part of…the people that fly airplanes, in uniforms.

This Sunday, remember all the people that still do, in places not so safe.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!

Hey there boys and girls! Only 46 more days until Christmas!! Here’s hoping Santa visits each and every one of us, and that he has a better budget for portable electronic devices this year. I’ve waited long enough for an i-pod!!!

The past few evenings, we’ve been rerouted around a blocked roadway, in downtown Calgary. We noticed a line-up of movie trailers, and a few more catering trailers, and Mrs. That Dan Guy surmised that maybe there was a movie shooting in town.

Well, reading the paper the other day, I discovered that former Beverly Hills 90210 star Jason Priestley is in our burg, directing a movie. With another one of his former 90210 cast-mates – one of the female co-stars. Josie something - I think she has a last name similar to a vacuum manufacturer.

So there you have it – fame and tumbleweed, together in Cowtown. Read into that statement whatever you will…

Seeing that it’s already getting close to mid-November, I’m surprised that we’ve missed out on winter’s icy chill so far. We’ve had several snowfalls, but nothing really to write home about. Although, I did write home, just because…


Chow for now!!

It would be sooo cool to actually have eyes in the back of your head. I’m not exactly sure why I feel that way, or what I would even use eyes in the back of my head for. It just sounds awfully handy.

Say, for instance, you were starting to cross a street, and you heard something that sounded like your keys hitting the pavement. You could verify that, without even turning around!

You might also discover that you walked right by a $1000.00 dollar bill, and nobody else noticed it either! You’re rich! You’re rich!!

So you grab the $1000.00 dollar bill off of the street, but when you do, the eyes in the back of your head are looking straight up, which is when a pigeon flying by with a serious belly-full of buttered popcorn decides to relieve some of the pressure in his little bird belly, and launches a runny air-to-ground attack. Right onto your head!!

With the eyes in the back of your head blinded by something of a gravy consistency, but stank, you DROP the $1000.00 dollar bill. A kid with a skateboard scoops it up, and zips away into the crowd, which is moving carefully around you and your bird plop hair.

As you try to walk away with even a modicum of dignity, you don’t notice that your keys DID fall onto the pavement earlier, and a seeing-eye dog has snapped them up, for something to play with at traffic lights. When you eventually get home, you will learn this, and be forced to spend the night lying on your verandah, where a stray neighbourhood cat will claw apart your favourite suit as you sleep.

Maybe I should rethink this “eyes in the back of your head” thing…


Chow for now!

Odds & Sods…

I forgot to mention a couple of things about the Billy Joel concert the other day.

Party animals that we are, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I bought a couple of bottled waters, prior to the start of the show. The young kid at the counter told us he has to keep the lids. Seems that the Billy Joel people requested “no lids” on bottled water. I’m wondering if The Piano Man maybe has some experience with flying water bottles??? One thing for sure, we weren’t able to bring them home, so they must have scored big-time in the recycling department…

Also, at one point during the show, Joel slapped on a guitar, and introduced on of his roadies, a Mr. Chainsaw. Mr. Chainsaw did a killer version of AC-DC’s “Highway To Hell”. While the crowd loved it, they may have enjoyed hearing “Uptown Girl” more…

Well, National Squirrel Month this past October was a dismal failure. I think we only mentioned it a couple of times, but never did any features.

I had planned on doing some investigative journalism, ands going out into the forest with a video camera, to capture footage of our famous black squirrels. Didn’t make it. Too busy trying to determine whether or not I like Drew Carey as the new host of “The Price Is Right”.

Just not enough hours in the day…

Finally, I had better start doing some hockey blogging soon, before I get removed from the NHL Blogger’s site. If you need to know about hockey, press that link at the top of my page!!

My hockey tip for today: The Montreal Canadiens are going to return to dynasty status, starting THIS year! GO HABS!!!!!

Chow for now!!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Billy Joel

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

I lifted that photo off of The Google, and even that pic has way more hair on Mr. Joel’s scalp, than what we could see last night from our seat up in the rafters of The Saddledome.

As a matter of fact, I started to believe last night that Mr. Joel and I may be related. We’re both a bit…uh…huskier than the last time I saw him in concert. We both have less follicles than we had back in our salad days. Judging by both of our current weights, I don’t think either one of us had too much (if any) salad days…

The biggest difference between the two of us would seem to be that as far as piano playing goes, he’s flippin’ amazing, and I’m about as good as your average one-armed arthritic aardvark.

But hey, isn’t this supposed to be a concert review, so to speak??

We went to this show because either Mrs. That Dan Guy didn’t attend with me the first time around (over 15 years ago, so we would have at least been shacked-up at the time), or she doesn’t recall the show. She is getting pretty old, so it’s a coin toss there…

However, it turned out to be a good thing to see him again. Like so many of the rockers and artists of his era, he gave a completely different, reflective concert. This one was full of reflection, and he played a load of songs nobody expected. Or, as he called them himself – “the crap”. But there was some good crap!! I played the crap out of “Zanzibar”, back when that album first came out.

The night was not without a plethora of hits, though. That’s a lot. A whole bunch. Many. He built up a head of steam, and brought the crowd to their feet countless times. Well, countless for me after I ran out of fingers.

Too many highlights, but as many songs as he played, it was amazing hows many he didn’t: “Uptown Girl”, “A Matter Of Trust”, “Just The Way You Are”, to name but a handful. However, the ones he did play more than made up for it.

Unless you went specifically to hear “A Matter Of Trust”. Then you might have been a bit pissed, but hey, the guy can’t play all night!! As it was he ran almost two and a half hours.

Two thumbs up, our humble assessment. Great stage show, awesome backing band, and plenty of joking around by Mr. Joel, who described himself as Billy Joel’s dad at the start of the show.

See you in another 15, Billy!!

Chow for now!!

It could be just the time of year. It could be wholesale neglect on my part.

Whatever the reason, the heels of my feet are dry and/or chapped. No amount of Blistex seems to soften them up. I really must learn to wear socks whilst skiing…

So, what other options exist for dry heels? Olive oil? Day-old pasta compresses? Leeches?

I really wish I spent more time surfing the Google for practical advice, rather than snooping around to see how little poor Britney Spears has to struggle to get along on, every month (almost $700,000 – you’d think there might be a small allotment for undergarments in that amount).

No, rather than consult the Great Online Knowledge Resource for crucial health advice on achieving whiter cuticles, I roam the Google to see if David Hasselhoff has relapsed (he has). Such is the cult of celebrity, that I am unable to tear myself away from their excessive lifestyles.

What? Just buy “People” magazine? Why, I had never even thought about that. Thanks!

So, dry heels – prepare to be moisturized. I WILL surf the Google for a cure!!

What? Just buy “Dry Heel Cream” at any local pharmacy?

Oh boy…

Chow for now!!

As I sit here in a room with windows covered by blinds, it is snowing like a ticker tape parade outside. Snow is falling from the sky like the spray from a motivational speaker’s pie-hole.

Yikes. I think I may be spending too much time with Charlie!!

Let me describe this snow thing, in lighter, more gentler terms.

It is snowing right now, in a manner not entirely unlike the flippin’ stampede after a K-mart “Blue Light Special” announcement. There’s more snow coming down than a chimpanzee loves Chiquita bananas.

If snow were doubloons, I’d be shovelling up a fortune later today!!

Does any of that imagery convey what today is like here? I mean, it is November in the prairies, so snow is a fact of life.

Thankfully, we were prepared. We were prepared for snow in late August. It’s Canada, for Pete’s sake. We could get snow in the middle of what we call summer here. We already had snow, and this dump looks as harmless as the last one.

But, it did give me something to write about today…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Let’s keep it down out there today, boys & girls. Ole Charlie lost a science bet last night with a sheep dog, and now the vanilla extract I drunk is makin’ my head a little small for my brain this morning…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

And speakin’ of brains an’ science, here’s a headline from a newspaper. “Uranus Amazes Astronomers”. Uranus, Myanus…Astronomers are amazed. I wonder if it has anything to do with a black hole??

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Sorry. That was outta line. I am “amazed” at my own insensitivity. I should wash out my mouth with vanilla extract. Hair of the sheep dog…

I never really read the article. I just loved that astronomers somewhere were amazed with Uranus, or maybe Myanus. Frankly, it don’t sound like a job for astronomers as much as it should be an amazement for doctors with those rubber gloves. And why was it amazin’? Was Uranus covered in bubbles of linoleum? Was it glowin’ in the dark?

Was it whistlin’ a happy tune? Plenty of Uranuses do that after a bean burrito…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Sorry. Again, that was outta line. Nobody wants to start their Saturday morning thinkin’ about whistlin’ Uranuses. Most people don’t wanna start their Saturday morning with a gong inside their brain either, but Key Sara, Sara.

I wanted to be a junior astronomer, if ya can believe it. I bought a telescope, and put it out on the balcony of my apartment coop. The problem was, it faced directly into a hen house, and I never did point my telescope up to Uranus.

Well…maybe I…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluck for now!!

I don’t know if anyone out there watched NBC as much as we did last night, but it seemed to be “Push The Envelope Night”. More appropriately, it may have been “Groin Night”…

Let’s start with My Name Is Earl. Maybe their funniest episode ever, and sprinkled liberally with crotch humour. Not that I mean to say crotch humour is the funniest thing in the world, but in the show, it was appropriate, and funny. And certainly pushed the envelope. Is NBC still the network in last place? Just asking…

The bit they worked around was a heat-sensitive camera, that captured certain bodily areas (do I need to spell it out?), making them very visible. Alright, that description may not sound like a laugh riot, but man, was it funny to watch…

Following that, The Office had a road trip scene where goofy salesman Dwight was peeing into a can, and may have cut his Oscar Meyer on the tin, when the car hit a bump. Not your everyday sitcom chuckle material.

But long-running hospital drama ER took that risky envelope, and pushed it right out the door, with a storyline that ran through the whole show, and involved a young virginal doctor walking around with a model of…you guessed it…a groin!!

Now that I think about it, even Jay Leno had a groin bit on The Tonight Show. During one of his “Things We Found On eBay” bits, he showed a Star Wars collectible card, that had a visibly “happy” C3PO, who may have been much closer to R2D2 than we ever knew…

“Groin Night”, on the Peacock Network. Now that I say it like that, maybe it makes perfect sense…

Chow for now!!

On the run, busy day today, so this one is going to be short, and possibly sweet. Or just short and sassy.

Maybe not sassy. I'm probably too old to still be able to pull off sassy. Goofy maybe, but sassy may be a relic of my past.

Not that I couldn't be sassy if I gave it half a try - I'm just too rushed right now to even give it a half-hearted go.

And really, who needs to be sassy these days? Even cartoon kids are more smart-ass than sassy these days. So why buck the trend.

In conclusion - short, not even close to sweet, and far from sassy.

I really need to get organized before I post these things...

Chow for now!!