Once upon a time there was a lazy grasshopper, with a soul patch and thinning hair. The grasshopper was sunning himself one fine morning, when a whistling ant happened by, obviously hard at work during siesta time.

The grasshopper ran what passed for his hands through his soul patch, smirking at the ant’s clearly insane work schedule. “Hey, Ant” the grasshopper hollered, “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy!!”

The ant stopped briefly, pulled out a can of Raid, and covered the grasshopper in toxic sludge until a solid cocoon consumed the snarky slacker.

“Jack be nimble fool!!” the ant proclaimed, before returning to her endless chores. 

And she lived happily ever after...

Chow for now!!

The March Of The MAC (in May...)

Tis a slow process, trying to convert over from Windows/PC - at least when you’re remaining busy with pressing projects that require software that you’re familiar with over on those other machines. 

Ah well, at least I no longer have to try correcting typed words like “sjkeat”, “mnbvc”, and “qlkaixno” like I did all the time on that cursed netbook keyboard - great idea, wrong layout for anyone other than Tinkerbell using the miniaturized typing space.

So far, the word processing has been easy to pick up with my usual “Manual, what’s that??” learning technique. I still have to figure out how to post in a readable size on this blog, but we’ll see if today’s test works better than the last few days. I don’t want people getting turned off here if the font is making them squint like Mr. Magoo.

Chow for now!!

To sleep, perchance to dream.

To dream, perchance to imagine oneself neck-deep in a swimming pool full of thousand dollar bills, while chocolate-covered almonds rain down from cotton candy clouds.

To be delusional, perchance to imagine oneself in that swimming pool, when in reality, oneself is  dropping a brick attached to a string from the upstairs landing, hoping to extract a tooth attached to the aforementioned string, to save money.

To practice ill-advised home medical procedures, perchance to find oneself in an emergency room, because the molar was reluctant to exit via the procedure, and the weight of the brick was just enough to get oneself off balance, when oneself glanced over the landing. Not quite enough of a fall to bring about unconsciousness, but more than enough to require a hasty trip to the hospital....

To ad-lib the cause of your injuries, perchance to alert the attending physician to discreetly invite         

evaluators and investigators, even though the injuries are clearly impact related. After a brief flurry of questions, it is assumed by all involved that your story holds sufficient water to allow you to return home, where a bit of rest and medication will return your wounded body to normal.

So then, to sleep, perchance even to dream...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Howdy, hoomans!!

Say, that Boston is one great city - for no pertikular reason, I’m gonna give ya a overview of wut makes tha city of chowderly love such a wunerful place!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

First off, as everyone knows, it’s famous fer it’s Boston Pea Soup. Man, ya ain’t lived till ya git yerself a bowl a hearty Pea soup. Yeah, they got seafood and other delicate seas, but fer my money, it’s all about tha soup in Boston.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Second, Boston is steeped in histery, pun intended. Years ago, peeple there held a Boston Mr. T. party, celebratin’ that life uv tha famous ackter. At one point, them scallywags even went so far as ta throw him inta tha harbour! Ain’t that a gas?? 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Famous landmarks abound in Boston - like the Cheers bar frum TV. An there’s a battle ship also named after a TV show, Ole Ironsides. Fer all I know, Boston just mite be Hollywood East!

If yer inta tha ghoulish, ya can even fine Mother Goose’s grave in tha heart of tha city! Along with other popular histerical figures, like Paul Revere. 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I heer they even got a perfeshunal hockey team there, but that ain’t no big deal fer this humble clucker...

Cluck fer now!!

MacBook Conversion, Day Two

Even though my primary computer use is being delayed (converting over from  Windows) dues to pressing deadlines with programs I’m more familiar with in that OS, I’ve now pretty much abandoning Windows when it comes to my ongoing daily social media posts.

Which is great, as I had been posting everything from the little netbook I picked up a year ago. It’s only the second day, and already I can see spaces between my fingers again, as the fused claws that my hands had become to type on the miniaturized keyboard have started to separate. By Sunday, I should be able to wear gloves again, and pack my mittens - although this is Canada, so one should never get too presumptuous so early...

I also loaded a few pics and docs onto the MacBook, and even without knowing what I’m doing (need to be careful here, that applies in almost every area of my life...), I was literally DAZZLED  by the wonders of Apple’s features. I could swear, even though it’s been raining day and night since February, beams of sunlight poked through my shade, illuminating the keyboard. A chorus of birds arose from the trees outside, and a deep, powerful voice emanated from seemingly nowhere, assuring me that life could only get better from here. Hallelujah!!

I’ve still got a ways to go, but from what I’ve seen to far, my technological days of torment may be behind me.

Chow for now!!

Well, this may prove to be an interesting experience, or at the very least, ground-breaking for me at least. Today’s post was created on a MacBook!

Not just any MacBook - what makes this moment far more special (aside from moving towards attaching my Windows computers to a long anchor chain unattached to a seafaring vessel) is that this particular MacBook used to belong to my late sister-in-law. She was on a Mac long before I started to have fainting spells, inner cranial drum solos, and frustration beyond the level attained being trapped in an elevator with ambient nature sounds on a loop. All that due to my buying a computer with an early version of Windows Vista, an operating system that should have led to firing squads for anyone associated with the blighted development and rollout.

Ironically, I started my computing life on an Apple, but had to switch to Windows when I was a Realtor in B.C. I survived for years, until the cursed day I “upgraded”, to Vista.

But, I ramble - let’s just hope that this is a return to happier days for Mrs. That Dan Guy and I, MTDG having to endure countless howls of anguish from my basement office space. That’s the nicest thing I can say about what she has heard over the years.

So, this is tremendously cool on many levels. I am back on Mac, and I have a little piece of my sister-in-law that will be with me every day.

My first Tweet went flawlessly earlier this morning - let’s see how this blog posts!

Onwards, upwards, and blow this out yer arse, Windows Vista!!!

Chow for now...

After last night, it has come to my attention that I am Mr. Opposite – everything I hope for turns out the other way, without fail.

So, presuming my new name to be true, I:

1)      Hope that The Vancouver Canucks win the Stanley Cup,

2)      Wish that the lucky numbers I used for this weekend’s lotteries don’t turn up a single match, let alone all six.

3)      Have my fingers crossed that Mrs. That Dan Guy will cook her signature ratatouille and grits tonight (again…).

4)      Hope that my latest writing project will be ignored, and I won’t even be considered.

5)      Wish that I’ll have thigh chaffing every day this summer.

6)       Will become allergic to chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter sandwiches.

7)      Will not get asked to guest-host The Price Is Right.

8)      Hope that Apple will not send me a new i-Pad 2 to test drive.

9)      Will never find that chocolate-covered almond that rolled under the sofa.

I would have come up with 10, but that would have been too “Letterman”…

Chow for now!!

Do you ever wonder if Jane Goodall’s mother wished she would just quit monkeying around, and find a real job?


I think my tongue has designs on that there all-day sucker.

A picture can indeed be worth a thousand words. I’ve just taken a picture of a sign that says “A Thousand Words”…

I have vivid memories of when I was a baby. It was yesterday, when my wife wanted to watch “Dancing With The Stars” during the hockey game…

I like my coffee black, and my antlers pointy…

Sure like to watch that fitness program, but who left the remote way over there???

Being up there and all, I wonder if God actually does dance with the stars??

Qwerty: that odd man is very qwerty.

Robots enjoy a salt and battery for lunch…

Chow for now!

How many blogs would a blogger blog if a blogger blogged blogs?

Well, a blogging blogger would blog as many blogs as a blogger would blog, if a blogger blogged blogs.

Funny, when you say “blogger blogged blogs” out loud, you sound a bit like a harelip vampire…

Chow for now!!

Nuts!


Relying entirely on yesterday’s well-advertised Rapture, Rhapsody, or Rupture, I didn’t think I’d have to be blogging this morning. Now that the world is still spinning, and reality TV will still be airing on every blasted network, I am wearily resolved to having to come up with a post for today…

Well, there is going to be a Rapture for something in this household, sometime early next week. I’m not yet at liberty to say exactly what it might be, but let’s just say that it will allow me to explore entire new vistas, sprawling vistas of beauty and wonder.

As a result, something in this household will be meeting an abrupt finale, like every woebegone Idol contestant before the Top Ten are chosen. Hmmm…interesting. I just maligned reality TV earlier in this post, yet I easily fell back on it for an quick reference. I am nothing if not opportunistic. Which reminds me, I had better get that oppor tuned sometime soon…

I also note that these posts don’t seem to be linked to Facebook right now (through Networked Blogs) because of that Blogger glitch last week, so I think I can safely say (without offending family and friends on that social media site) GO SHARKS!!

Sharks versus Bruins, yeah baby, what a finale THAT will be!!

Chow for now…

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

Rotisserie? Muss be tha French spellin’ a Rotary, tha innernashanal service group. Makes me downright proud ta be poultry…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I’m sher there muss be Knights A Columbo Chickens, Lions, and even Elk. We gotta stick tagether, us ammimals!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, maybe I shood volunteer with ma local chapter uv Rotisserie Chickens, seeif I can give back ta my commune-ity. I could be a inspiration ta all tha little cluckers out there!!

Ya probably get a nice vest, with lots a badges!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

It wood look good on my bizniz cards too!

Judgin’ by the logo, I may have ta learn how ta cook? Not sure what tha knife an fork is for (hey, Mrs. That Dan Guy – do ya want a fork n’ knife?? Heh Heh Heh…)

Or maybe as members we get ta manage local restaurants, or food banks? It’s gotta mean sumthin???

Do ya take a pledge a allegants ta cutlery??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I must go online, and Google this out – get a sign-up sheet. I’m in a givin’ mood taday!!

Cluck fer now!

Fuzzy Wuzzy wuz a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy wore polka dot underwear…


We interrupt this blog post with breaking news from the President. Of The National Society For The Preservation Of Online Dignity:

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I am appearing before you today through typed text, with assurances that we are currently monitoring the situation in the Such Is Life blogspot. It has come to our attention recently that despite our ever present vigilance for dignity and appropriate conduct online, some characters persistent in presenting material not suitable for dignified blog readers. Such is the case with the scribbler associated with this space.


Alcoholic rubber chickens, pirated schoolyard jokes from nearly 50 years ago, all while producing flatulence that would flatten a professional chili taster working 80-hour weeks. Despite repeated warnings, and viewing the start of today’s post, it is clear things have not improved.


I assure you that we are giving this repeating offender one final warning, before we act to remedy this situation once and for all. We beg your indulgence as we work to a satisfactory conclusion with respect to this individual.


Thank you, good morning, and God bless the internet.”

…Fuzzy Wuzzy ate a pear, Fuzzy Wuzzy got “familiar” with a French au pair…

Chow for now!!

What exactly is “dust” anyway? You can “dust” a counter or cabinet top earlier in the day, and mere hours later a thin cover has already returned. Sometimes, dust can congregate and create a fuzzy beard along the sides of furniture. I’ve sneezed in the past, and watched a cloud of dust rise into the air like an erupting volcano.


But does this nuisance have a purpose, other than to insulate household items that have no need to be insulated? Is it necessary as a naturally occurring presence to inoculate household dwellers from sitting on sofa tables? Does it occur merely to allow pharmaceutical companies to manufacture asthma medications?

Or are the Swiffer people blowing it into our homes overnight, chortling to themselves as they distribute the clingy debris, knowing we will be forced to purchase their product to remove it from every possible item in our homes, including cats and lethargic TV watchers?

I have a curious mind, I know…

Chow for now!!

“The Secret To Pippa's Fab Butt? It's Easier Than You Think”


So what are we to derive from a (Globe & Mail.com) headline like the one pasted above, aside from the complete and apparent utter collapse of dignity in reporting?

Are we teased to wonder if this is an invitation, or merely a helpful tip to put down the Twinkies and get out of your pyjamas if you hope to look “fab”??

Hard to believe that even with the reams of material written about the recent Royal Wedding, a posterior still gets the most attention. Or is it??

One thing’s for sure – a time is approaching on the imminent horizon where TV hosts like Maury Povich and Jerry Springer will be remembered as charming little remnants of a far more innocent time...

Chow for now!

Favorite Jokes Of My Youth:


“Why did the two crows land on the telephone pole?”

They wanted to make a long distance phone caw!!

Chow for now!

I’ve found that an apple a day isn’t quite enough to keep the doctor away – if you throw enough of them at him though, he will eventually retreat…


An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and takes a whole lot less water to swallow down…

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Two bushes in the hand, four birds in the bushes, one in the hand, carry the two…

The early bird gets the worm. The brunch bird typically opts for the Grand Slam…

A penny saved is a penny earned. Penny notes that she was simply out for a morning swim, and did NOT need to be saved from anything…

Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees, especially if they are clothes trees…

I have decided to quit storing my needles in haystacks – I can never seem to find them when I need them!

The wayward wind is a restless wind, although most winds are restless just by definition…

I Tater-Tot I taw a puddy tat!!

Chow for now!

Interesting…


Someone must have hacked Blogger a couple of days ago. You couldn’t load new posts for the longest time (a couple of days ago), it deleted a day’s post (now restored), and removed responses to comments. Plus I see that my latest posts haven’t been forwarded to Facebook from Networked Blogs.

At least this time, it wasn’t just me. I noticed lots of people commenting about the issue.

But, was it me that broke it?

Makes you wonder, knowing my history…

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger and bird that drank someone’s last beer, Charlie Chicken..)

Uh, kin we talk???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck. Fer now, I hope…

Friday the 13th!


Where did our black cat go? Maybe when I broke our bathroom mirror this morning, he hightailed it into hiding?

I’ll just go prop a ladder up against the entry to the attic, and I can walk around it while I see if that brings him out of hiding.

Or, I could just spill some salt on the floor – he sure likes his salt!

Chow for now!

Hmmm…


Interesting “blast from the past” column of mine that I happened to come across today in the online hinterlands.

Coincidence? I think not – Fate is caressing my tortured soul:

http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:6pCdweq5-DkJ:eventpub.com/includes/datafiles/print.php%3Fid%3D139340%26title%3DI%2520crave%2520an%2520%2591Apple%2591+thatdanguy%40shaw.ca&cd=19&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=ca&source=www.google.ca

Chow for now!!

It’s funny how your dreams can get tempered with age. At one time, I dreamed of living on a tropical isle, being fed shaved coconut by nubile natives, whilst getting fanned with a giant palm frond.


Now, I’m dreaming of applying some topical lotion to an itch I can’t quite reach, vacuuming up the friggin’ coconut shavings from Mrs. That Dan Guy’s breakfast donut, and after I post this, I have to go out and trim the “fronds” of our diseased elm tree.

Aloha Oy!!

Chow for now...

Technology hates me.
What have I ever done to technology to deserve this? Frankly, I’m a little perturbed. Often, as soon as it's convenient and reasonable, I embrace technology. Yet still technology chooses to hold me at bay, whilst embracing others with reckless abandon. Technology is like a common flu virus for many, a rare and unattainable dream for me.


Actually, I think technology just likes to play with my head. Take this netbook computer for example. It is now playing an extended game of Hide N Seek with me. I save files, the computer hides them. Sometimes in other folders, sometimes even moving the folders themselves. Makes for great fun!

When that stray meteor hits the Earth, and wipes out all this fancy-pants technology, don’t look for me to hold any wakes or memorial services. I’ll be happy as a clam chipping away at my tablet of piece of stone…

Chow for now!

I joked in my Twitter post today something to the effect that President Obama should be able to request proof that Trump’s noggin-warmer is actually hair. The bigger point is that even with all the technology at our modern disposal, as a people we are far less likely to believe things if someone is bleating loudly enough from the hinterlands.

This really isn’t a new phenomenon. Elvis is still alive somewhere, eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches in Costa Rica maybe. Aliens have landed and probed thousands, although not anyone we’d really like to see probed, or escorted off the planet.

Conspiracy theories will continue no matter how much evidence is presented to the contrary. I’d like to get one started here myself today.

In a Wal-Mart in Canada, I am convinced beyond all reasonable doubt that I saw Angelina Jolie, canoodling with Elvis, whilst carting around several adopted alien children.

Let the rumour mills begin!!

Chow for now… 

The rain in Spain (or here) falls mainly on de plane.


Boss! Boss! De Plane!!

Wet with rain?

Yes, from falling on de plane.

In Spain (or here).

(I think I have officially lost my mind...)

Chow for now…

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken…)

That sounds like a incomplete sentense, if ya asks me. “Happy Chicken Ta Go…”WHERE???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Let’s try an come up with sum options.

How about:

Happy Chicken Ta Go...

1) Ta Extremes In Brave Fight Fer Bannin’ Gruesome Chicken Wing Specials?

2) Potty (too much coffee I think, influencin’ ma brain right now…)

3) 12 Rounds With Jose Cuervo (fer alla you country music fans out there…)

4) Boldly Where No Man Has Gone Before (or poultry, ta be more spacific…)

5) Bonkers. I don even know wut that is, but it sounds like fun…

6) Tha Distance. Wut pluckin’ distance? Who knows? Who comes up with these sayins anyhow?

7) Gemtly inta tha good nite. Really? Wut the pluck is “gemtly” anyhow?? BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

8) Fer Tha Gold – Gold Bond, fer this persistent chaffin’ between my chickeny thighs…

9) Go? Wut happened ta “ready”, an “set”?? A bird’s gotta be prepared, ya know…

10) All Chuck Norris on tha buffoon that fergot tha mushrooms on tha pizza I ordered…

Hey, thas a lotta possible finishes ta those sentences. My werk here is dun.

Adieu, pale hoomans. Chicken out…

Cluck fern how!! (Hee Hee - “Fern’ – Cluckin’ auto-correct… )

Yay!! Crude oil prices are plummeting, so gas prices will finally start to come down as well!!

Yeah, right…When the people (us) are at your (money-sucking producers) mercy, and no one is willing to step in and bring prices into line with reality (as opposed to the criminal “uncertainty in the marketplace” theory that always floats out as the prices race up to the heavens), expect to just keep getting stabbed in the gentles as these well-dressed stick-up artists continue to pocket billions. I mean seriously, how many Lamborghinis do oil company executives need? One for every day of the week, AND an alternate for…

Oh-oh…

Oh boy...

Judging by the direction this tirade is headed, I think this post qualifies as a “rant”. I think I also should have come up with a blog post today BEFORE I filled up my gas tank. Which should last me much longer this time, after I finish welding the harness and reins to the vehicle. I’ll get more fresh air now that I’ve removed the windshield, and Mrs. That Dan Guy has always loved horses, so now she gets to enjoy time with some of these majestic beasts every day, as we gallop in to work!

Hi Ho Silver – or should I say Crude???

Chow for now…

If you’re in the Calgary area, join me tonight as I host the launch of the latest issue of FreeFall Magazine, Canada's Magazine Of Exquisite Writing:

 

Join Us for a CELEBRATION of the contest winners An evening of readings and festivities to showcase the Annual Prose and poetry Contest Winners, and to launch Volume XXI Number 1. When: May 5, 2011 starting at 7:00 PM Where:Shelf Life Books #100, 1302 - 4 Street SW Calgary Readers: Fran Kimmel Cassy Welburn Rosemary Griebel Gabrielle Volke ©2011 FreeFall Literary Society of Calgary | 922 - 9 Ave SE Calgary, AB T2G 0S4

This should be a terrific evening! Stop by and enjoy some wonderful readings!

Chow for now!

Today, on "The Generally Hospitalized Wrung-Out Wrestlers Olive My Chitlins":



Rex discovers that Olivia has begun treatment for the heartbreak of psoriasis, even though their healthcare coverage fails to cover the costly treatment. Flash gets a mysterious letter in the mail, indicating that he has officially been chosen as one of only 13 million finalists in the Reader’s Digest sweepstakes, even though he’s several months in arrears with his subscription.

Over in Swan Landing, Muriel discovers a lump on her nose, and worries that she may have contracted acne from the paper towel dispenser in the washroom at the club. How will she hide the unsightly blemish from Taco?

Gwendolyn’s evil twin sister has just this morning come upon a prenup that Leslie had agreed to, before marrying Argyle. With no apparent gain in assuming her sister’s identity, Gwendolyn packs to leave Swan Landing, gathering whatever she can find of intrinsic value – lingerie, shoe liners, and a ceramic mongoose.

While showering for his two hour shift at the executive offices of Sparse, Empty & Barren, Kachoo discovers evidence of male pattern balding. This bodes poorly for his advancement interview this afternoon. He reaches over for the shower flask, and knocks back two hardy slugs of Wild Turkey, straight-up.

Preparing to divorce Chad, her seventh husband, for the third time, Strawberry finds a credit card receipt outlining testicle enhancement surgery. Has Botox finally gone too far, and should she spend one more night in the home, just to satisfy her piqued curiosity?

Stay tuned – all this and more tomorrow, on "The Generally Hospitalized Wrung-Out Wrestlers Olive My Chitlins"…

Chow For now…

Let’s have a little summary, shall we?


So far this year, in no particular order, I have rooted, hoped, cheered or prayed for:

1) The Calgary Flames

2) The Chicago Blackhawks

3) The Montreal Canadiens

4) #@*!ing snow to quit falling

5) World Peas

6) ANYONE but the Conservatives to win this latest Canadian election.

Well, like my odds of enjoying fresh BBQ unicorn steaks, a man can dream.

Anyone out there that you’re about to place a bet on, that you need me to exercise my Gypsy Curse skills on? No charge!!

Chow for now...

Well, nothing I have to say today will take precedence over:


a) Osama bin Laden’s hastened arrival at his “reward” and 50 vapid virgins. With any luck, those virgins will be camels…

b) Canada’s Federal Election – will Minority Steve’s gamesmanship (and threats of awkward sexual relations with camels unless he is anointed “King Of The Land”) result in his coveted majority, or will the Canadian voters cast him off into another minority or worse? Stay tuned, this will be a bumpy ride. And, get out there and vote Canada, I already have!!

c) My order from Donald Trump’s House of Hardy Hairpieces arrived last night – I’ll be arranging the implanting later this afternoon.

Chow for now!

Get Out & Vote Tomorrow, Canada!

Despite proclaiming this latest trip to the ballot box as the united attack of an opportunistic, ill-advised coalition, Minority Steve is currently (and quite suddenly) asking many of these same opponents if they would care to dance. In today’s headlines, contempt-of-parliament Harper is courting Liberal voters. Yesterday, he finally mused aloud about accepting any mandate the Canadian voters give his Conservative party. I’m guessing that while he might indeed work with a mouth full of bile through another minority mandate as Prime Minister, that largesse would likely not include acting as Leader Of The Official Opposition.

For the love of Pete, people - get out and vote tomorrow! Either vote Harper into a full majority so that you can compare apples and oranges against past governments (we'll move to Costa Rica though), or take a chance, and see if another party can finally unite this fractured parliament.

Don’t make me send a letter to Trump, asking if he’d be interested in running OUR country…

Chow for now!!