Once upon a time there was a young man named Little Jack Horner. He lived at the corner…of Figgy Puddin’, and Christmas Pie (streets).

Jack had an abnormality – as people often did once upon a time. Jack’s claim to nursery rhyme fame was a digit of some concern. He suffering from Throbbing Thumb Thenthaythun. The only relief he could ever find was to thrust his thumb into places he came upon – bird’s nests, honey jars, even overripe melons if they happened to be handy (no pun intended…).

One day, while sitting eating curds and whey, along came a spider. Jack chided the spider for being in the wrong nursery rhyme, and the spider sulked off, without even so much as a lick of whey. The smell of warm curds almost lured him back, but alas, Jack waved his Throbbin’ Thumb towards the exit – spider begone!

Finally one morning Jack found warm Christmas Pie at his breakfast table, which I will have to presume has absolutely no baked elf content, but may contain moderate traces of reindeer. Whatever possessed Jack that morning is lost in the dust of history, but he took one look at that Christmas Pie, and he put this thumb right inside it. Legend suggests he pulled out a plum. More likely, he pulled out one messy thumb…

For no reason, he exclaimed to his mother, “Oh what a good boy am I!!”

“Shut up and eat your breakfast, Junior” she commented, passing him a napkin.

Now I must ask – how does this story become a famous nursery rhyme?? Must have been a shortage of good newspapers back in olden times…we may never really know.

Chow. For now…