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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

New Year's Eve Invitations To Avoid...

Here's an old newspaper column, recycled here for the sake of I'M ON FREAKIN' HOLIDAYS!!!

Ahem...

Enjoy!

New Year’s Eve Invitations To Avoid…

New Year’s Eve, possibly the grandest party night of the year. A New Year’s Eve function can range from something intimate (just you and your partner), to a full-blown black-tie evening in the most formal ballroom in town, filled with hundreds of other couples.
A bad night will ultimately mean you, Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve, the sofa, and whatever brand of inexpensive vodka that is traditionally served with Cheezies… 
The best New Year’s Eve parties typically sell out fast, so you should determine to make a quick decision when invited, so as not to be left back at home on that sofa. 
That said though, there are certain invitations you may want to delay agreeing to, in the hope that a better one comes along before January 2:

-You might choose to pass on an invitation to attend the Dec. 31 soiree of the local chapter of Drying Paint Observers. Those coverall tuxedos are expensive to rent…

-You could attend the 3rd Annual New Year’s Eve Banjo Polka-palooza. Hearing Auld Lang Syne by a trio of banjos is honestly like nothing else you have ever heard…  

-Dr. Shaky Tweezer’s Evening Of Complimentary Root Canals may be advertised as a big gala event, but I think you could probably find a better way to spend New Year’s Eve.

-It’s ultimately your decision, but I’d be inclined to pass on an invite to the New Year’s Eve Annual Awards Monologue Banquet Of Sedated Octogenarian Accountants… 

-It wouldn’t be a hard decision to avoid an invitation to The Flatulence Anonymous New Year’s Eve Baked-Bean Dinner & Dance. Unless they invite you back again as Keynote Speaker…man, those beans are good with a little cheddar cheese on top…
-It would be entirely proper to decline an invitation to Hugh Hefner’s Scandinavian Playmate Pajama Party & Strip Poker New Year’s Eve.
                                        Hey, wait a minute….     

-As curious as you may be, I think you’d have a better New Year’s Eve if you passed on the “When Is Grandpa’s Boil Gonna Burst? Sport & Betting Event”.

-I think your boss is maybe overstepping his boundaries when he invited you to his New Year’s Eve Magical Dusk-To-Dawn Evening Of Inventory Control


-It just might be me, but anyone overly squeamish should plan to avoid the Left-Over Meals From “Fear Factor” & “Survivor” New Year’s Eve Buffet. Especially the “Items They Couldn’t Keep Down” Sampler Platter… 

************************************************************************

Later!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

4 comments:

Mrs That Dan Guy said...

I think the winner is: Flatulence Anonymous! I'm in. Baked beans? You can't lose.
You and me baby. Let's "flatulence" the night away.

Happy New Year!

ThatDanGuy said...

News Flash: You are a Charter Member, in the FA Hall Of Fame...

Mrs That Dan Guy said...

Hey! Let's be clear. I am a Charter Member by "invitation only". I thank you, as a long-standing member and President of FA, for making me an "honorary" guest, very kind of you.

ThatDanGuy said...

Uhh, I believe you have that the wrong way around, Gas-Master Flatu-Lady!

I bean gassed, man!!!