Last-Minute (Male) Shopping Tips

As the days left before Christmas Day grow ever less, here's an old column that I can't remember where it did run - could have been the newspaper, could have been a newsletter. I sure hope a better version ran in the newspaper...

Regardless, dated as it may be, there are still a few relevant thoughts within the paragraphs:

Last-Minute Male Christmas Shopping Suggestions

If you, much like myself, find yourself looking at the calendar today still needing to begin your Christmas shopping, I offer not only my sympathies, but also a few handy last-minute suggestions:

1. Your sister still remains on the shopping list today. You just can’t figure out what she might like this year. She certainly didn’t appreciate the Girls Gone Wild – Moose Jaw DVD you got her last year. What might possibly redeem you this time out?
1. Books are always a good choice. She likes reading (just don’t try being funny again. Raising Earthworms For Fun & Profit was not a terribly good choice no matter how much her husband laughed…). 
2. Say, why not a day spa gift certificate? Just remember, the massage parlor YOU enjoy may not be suitable for her…
3. How about a pony? So many girls want a pony.  But check out her condominium strata rules first, just to be on the safe side...

1. Your mother’s name hasn’t yet been stroked off of your shopping list. What has she hinted at for this year’s gift?
1. Well, she has been quite taken by all those George Foreman commercials, (although she doesn’t seem to have any real interest in his actual grilling products…).
2. I think she was just kidding about that Extreme Makeover for your Dad.
3. I also seem to think your Dad was just kidding about sending her name in for Wife Swap (he doesn’t realize it’s just another reality TV show…)

1. Your boss is still on your gift list. What on Earth would she appreciate as a Christmas gift?
1. If you recall from last year, she didn’t share in your appreciation of the Victoria’s Secret pin-up calendar collection…THAT was awkward…
2. Also awkward, the boudoir photo you gave her of yourself the year before…you could have at least shaved your back before they took the picture…
3. Hey, she’s just your boss, for Pete’s sake Put a bow on a can of macaroons, and get home to your family… 

1. Your best buddy is still on your list, despite all the clever hints & sticky notes he has left discreetly on your desk, in your car, plus the billboard located on your drive in to work in the morning. What would make him a happy guy?
1. You know, the poor guy probably doesn’t even realize he could use a good nose hair trimmer…
2. This magical season might be the best time to try confessing (in a funny snowman holiday card) that you were the one that had accidentally bent his 3-iron shaft last summer, when he went to the snack shack to buy a round of beers…
3. You could back up his dumb-ass story the next time he calls in sick, suggesting to the boss that you guys had ended up in 47 frames of sudden-death overtime in your bowling league playoffs the night before…

1. Your wife is still on your list, as of today. Get a grip man, THINK!!!! What would she like most of all this year?
1. Diamonds are a great idea! You probably couldn’t do too badly with a nice bracelet, or some earrings. Maybe a rhinestone navel chain?
2. Hey, didn’t she say something about going on a nice vacation? Stop by the travel agency; see how far $75.00 in Air Miles gets you…
3. You know, she just might believe that new 3-iron really IS for her, this year…tell her it’s a sports-themed hiking stick!!

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Later!