Here's an unedited version of an old newspaper column, which appeared back in 2008. Unfortunately, the online versions are all gone, along with their website.
But I dug this up, just for shiggles:
You Know It’s Cold Outside When…
Hey, if you’ve got “dog days’ of summer, are there “polar bear days” of winter?
No matter where you may live in Canada, there are a few days each winter that rank right up there, amongst the coldest times of any given year. Colder than a paperclip in a popsicle. Colder than a penguin’s freckles after sundown. Colder than a snowball in the root cellar of an Arctic igloo…
Yes, there are days when it certainly feels chilly. But if you want to know for sure just how cold it may be outside, what are the parameters that define just how cold a day really is?
Well, you know it’s really cold outside, when a water balloon that you toss at the side of a house buckles the retaining wall…
It is definitely frosty outside when you’re out for a walk, and you stumble across what appears to be an extremely lifelike ice sculpture of geese migrating, displayed by the roadside. Then one of them faintly honks…
It is a definition of extreme cold when you jokingly try to see your breath, and it comes out like one of those solid dialogue balloons in the comic strips.
You know it’s really cold outside when you answer a knock at your door, only to find a bear with his pyjamas on, asking if he can spend the rest of the winter in your rumpus room…
It is seriously frigid outside if the local TV station’s meteorologist describes current wind chills as “cold enough to pucker a tortoise’s teeth…”
You know that the mercury has dropped substantially when your just-delivered morning newspaper tries to crawl away from your front porch, and heads under a car that’s warming up in the driveway next door.
It is totally freezing outside when you try to convince the dog to go out and do his business, and he pulls a “go ahead punk, make my day” stance on you…
It is mind-numbingly cold outside when you are out for a walk, and you come across what seems like a remarkably lifelike ice sculpture of clowns on tricycles, displayed by the roadside. Then one of them faintly honks…
You know that it’s bone-chillin’ cold outside when the sun comes up, wearing a scarf and earmuffs.
There is no question at all that the weather outside is frightful if you glance through your windows at the fruit trees in your yard, and they appear to be much closer together than they’ve ever been before. You’d go so far as to say they look like they’re snuggling…
You know that it’s humongously cold outdoors if the thermostat for your furnace is reading “I think I can, I think I can…”
You can bank on it being frostbite time outside when you are out for a little exercise stroll, and you notice what appears to be a tremendously lifelike ice sculpture of a marching band’s horn section, displayed on the main street of town.
Then one of them faintly honks…
Later!
2 comments:
So good to read this again. Hmm, I would LOVE it if a bear in pyjamas knocked at my door! I would let him in too!
An oldie but a goodie!
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