There's A Bad Moon On The Rise!

Technically, it is a blue moon - quite something. I have no data to confirm that is either good or bad.

Next week - a fine hue of beige!

Chow for now...

I Can See Clearly Now

Found my glasses!!

Chow for now...

Weebles Wobble??

Still not entirely sure just what a weeble is. Sounds like something from an episode of the original cast Star Trek series. I imagine them as small and furry. Maybe buck-toothed.

They must be pear-shaped, if they wobble so much - like those inflatable punching bags my era used to have as kids' playthings. I think Bozo The Clown was one option. When you'd pop him in the snout, he would bounce right back up again, grinning like a maniacal axe-murderer.

I guess now I had better go surf The Googler, and see if there any images of a weeble. My curiosity has officially been aroused...

Chow for now!

The Wonder That Is Apple...

It's not hard to see why Apple has recently become the most valuable company of all time. After two hours spent in a 10-minute time slot yesterday, this company has tapped into what consumers value the most. Which I believe personally is AWESOME products, along with AWESOME programs, and overall general AWESOMENESS!!!

Ahem...

:-)

What I meant to say was a dedication to ensuring that their clients are leaving with their problems solved, and their wallets still bulging with gold bullion. Unlike a Windows service appointment (which can often cost upwards of a hundred dollar bill just to walk the computer into their shop), my two-hour appointment cost absolutely nothing - although I will admit to some costs upcoming. Part of the problem we discovered was that I have to make a few upgrades to be able to perform the tasks I was struggling with - but even that will be affordable.

APPLE FOREVER!!!

APPLE RULES!!!

APPLE OF MY EYE!!!!!

Ahem...

Chow for now...

Leavin'. On A Jet Plane...

It's all over but the crying. Maybe not even crying. Our ever-so-brief run here in The Land Of My Birth has concluded, and we are back off to our current burg.

What a whirlwind! Brief family visits, a wedding, some BBQ - a swell time had by all - but now we must return to work and reality - where humble family members won't be graciously serving us meals in bed, bringing cold beverages out to our deck chairs, nor fluffing our pillows before bedtime.

No one to pre-warm our underwear in the morning. No longer will our hosts test our food before we eat it, like they used to do for visitors in olden times.

Once again, we will no longer enjoy bedtime stories read to us, before we drifted off to sleep in our room. Those nightly foot massages will truly be missed...

So long, Winnipeg. We will once again return, but for now we must leave you - although these towels we packed will remind us of you frequently. The frogs will sell quickly on e-Bay, I think.

Chow for now!

Goin' To The Chapel...

Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy, several extended family members, and Yours Truly attended a wedding yesterday, here in The Land Of My Birth. Pretty snazzy affair - the reception hall looked just terrific, and the entire evening was well-planned, classy & entertaining.

Some random observations:

* If someone ever invented sweat pants and tops that looked like a suit and tie, they would be richer than Steve Jobs and Bill Gates combined. Who enjoys wearing formal attire for an entire day and night??

* Building designers must get huge laughs at conventions when they compare stories - "And in MY hall, we had seating for over 1500 people, but we only installed TWO toilets!!"

* Sitting in the church, which the men in our group could not negotiate their way out of, I noticed some signage up about "the bread of life". Made me wonder if I was more of a bagel person...

* Despite ample opportunity over many years to learn how to do so properly, I am much more like a tazered newborn deer on a dance floor than a future contestant on "So You Think You Can Dance"...

* Never, ever set up a photo booth at a wedding reception, serve alcohol, and then encourage guests to partake. One bewildered guest (as our group was emptying out) asked where the potted plant in my hands had come from...

* Joking out loud about hoping that the main entree would be Chicken Fingers may be frowned upon by one's spouse...

* Posing with random seniors keeps them guessing...

Chow for now....

Chicken Scratch

(Posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

A'm home!!

A'm home!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah meen ta say, hello ma chilly lil friends!!

Whoa!!

After ah unzipped tha suitcase ah sneeked into, this place looked oddly familiar. Not sure where Banjo Boy and the lady floo off to, but I think I been here before. Lotsa cats - this could be a society lady's joint, one a them eggs-ssentric ones!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Good taste though - I spotted a dwarf chicken passed out on tha floor that looks like Hen Rietta! 

An, on tha plus side, ma bowel movments is returnin' ta normal. Had ta hold it fer a loooong time between crawlin' inta a suitcase, and arrivn' . Gotta be stealthy when ya do thiss kinda stuffin'!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, better see wut kinda chow I kin rustle up - it is a lil early ta be snarfin'...uhh...nah. This is entirely approp-ree-eight...

Bottoms up!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now.....

Salisbury House & Mosquitos

There are Salisbury House restaurants everywhere, a windy street corner in the heart of downtown - and I can see a rusty harmonica with Neil Young's saliva on it...

Where am I??

Second Round Of Clues:

This city typically hosts the largest number of Mosquitos anywhere, and not just any old Mosquitos. Big bastards, with tattoos and piercings. Mosquitos with stabbers the size of unicorn horns.

Where am I?

Final Clue:

There is a newly relocated NHL team here.

Discuss...

Chow for now!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Vegetarian Cannibals??

I guess it's possible, although I don't know that you could truly claim to be a cannibal if you only ate vegetables.

And why is this the second day in a row for vegetable ranting??

I guess a loophole in the vegan cannibal possibility might be if vegetables ever took human form, or became animated.

I really need to start thinking of topics BEFORE I sit down at this here computer....

Good grief.

Chow for now!

Vegetables Make Me Nervous...

Unlike junk food, which often appears to me as inviting and comforting, vegetables have a rough-and-tumble appearance that makes me question what their intent may be. I have no problem believing that they provide "roughage", what with their coarse, imperfect texture and all...

I also find that Twinkies, potato chips, pretzels, ice cream sandwiches, peanuts, popcorn, Ding Dongs, taco chips and chocolate bars (just to name a few) frequently shoot me inviting "come-hither" looks, whilst vegetables almost seem to be daring me to consume them. They're like gang members with huge beer guts and tattoos. I don't think they really can be trusted - especially if the primary benefit (bereft of pleasure) is "fire in the hole"...

So to summarize - I am unsure of those beady-eyed vegetables, regardless of what so-called experts claim. Pass me a corn dog - hey, that's a vegetable!!

Chow for now!

Things I Wish I Had Invented

How different my life would be today, had I invented:

* Carpet - who doesn't use floor covering??

* Scissors - despite warnings, often safe to run with...

* Beach Balls - OK, that one might not have made me wealthy, but they are a load of fun to bat around when they're inflated...

* Flashlights - In my version, they would actually flash...

* Football Caps - like baseball caps, but named differently.

* Income Tax - who decided governments should be the only institutions to benefit from the efforts of others?

* Capes - well, that one is still pretty isolated in popularity - but enough people would want to wear one  to make it worth inventing...

* Raspberry-flavoured hamsters - when they eventually pass away....

* Electric guitars - so much more electric than the original acoustic ones.

Clearly I am floundering here - better regroup, try again another day. Apparently, I'm no Edison...

Chow for now!

Count Down

Hee Hee...

That wouldn't make for a very intimidating vampire name!

"Count Down, with his fuzzy head and luxurious feathered plumage was overcome while approaching his latest victim. The woman slipped a pillow case over him, and he is now part of a smart ensemble in her master bedroom."

"Count Down is perhaps best known for his work at the rocket launch pad..."

"Count Down has named his newborn son Get Down tonight...."

I could go on and on. Trust me.

Chow for now!

Back To The Drawing Board...

I tried to get a little fancy yesterday in an author interview. We decided to try recording it outdoors on a lovely patio with a view of wonderful landscaping - kind of like Kelly Ripa from "Live With Kelly & Whoever" does every once in a while.

I'm not Kelly Ripa - nor do I have her budget. My gear picked up wind sounds like we were racing through tunnels on a highway. We could hear every car in the neighbourhood as they roared by. And one bird hoping for his big break in show business made so much noise you could barely hear our own conversation.

Needless to say, we have rescheduled the interview, and I return later this morning to give it another go.

This will be a series of interviews once it has been edited. She is a new author with the prestigious Hay House roster of experts that help you live a better life.

I live a better life when my recordings are useable - but I am chomping at the bit to give this one another go!

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Even as in-a-prope-ree-eight as I kin be, this seems REELY in-a-prope-ree-eight!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now....

You Ain't Nothin' But A Hound Dog...

Guess Elvis Week had to eventually creep into my blog, being a long time fan. This year is the 35th anniversary of his passing, and there have been events up the ying-yang down across the border.

That said, I often wonder how effective a statement like "you ain't nothin' but a hound dog" is to an actual hound dog. Given the constant expression on their face, I suspect they truly don't give a rat's ass about disparaging remarks, nor do they consider that disparaging at all - they ARE hound dogs, for Pete's sake!

I think the average hound dog looks at an owner that says something like that statement, rolls over, and puts it out of his or her mind immediately.

That might just be what YOU do after reading this post...

Chow for now!

Rats!

Alberta has long prided herself (hisself??) on being a rat-free province, not including local politicians and corporate executives.

That has apparently gone out the window recently, as a small group of rats have been spotted somewhere (I don't pay a lot of attention to the morning news, but I do recall something like "blah blah blah rats, blah blah blah").

The province must now work to eradicate the pests, and again - I refer specifically to the rodents, not local politicians and corporate executives.

Chow for now!

What's Gnu??

That goofy old gag goes back to the 70's - and for the record, mispronouncing "gnu" is one of my favorite things.

I used to follow a comic strip with gnus - can't remember which one that was right now. May have to surf The Googler to see if I can turn up the name of that strip - like so many great ones, now long gone.

Have you heard the gnus? There's good rockin' tonight!

There's no gnus like good gnus...

I've got good gnus, and I've got bad gnus...

Tonight, on the evening gnus..........

There's nothing gnu under the sun...

Better get out of here while I still have some small remainder of my dignity - what's that?? Too late??

Wattaya gonna gnu??

Chow for now!!

Why Do Birds Suddenly Appear?

Seriously. Why do birds have to come out of virtually nowhere all the time??

Damn things are freaky, man. One minute, no birds, the next - boom! Right there!!

The worst case ever was golfing years ago in Kelowna. I had hit my ball close to a little marsh full of bullrushes. As I approached, some manic bird with delusions of grandeur started dive-bombing me - all I saw were flashes of black feathers, beak and angry talons! Or claws - whatever...

I had to drop a new ball, as the looney twit-head wouldn't back down. I imagine he or she must have had a nest in there, but still - I've never recovered. If I would have been holding a tennis racket instead of a golf club, that scenario would have played out a lot differently...

Unlike Dr Doolittle (Mrs. That Dan Guy) who has chatted with bluebirds on the deck in the past, I can stand to do without winged psychos, thank you very much...

Chow  for now!

Closing Ceremonies

Looking forward to catching the Olympic Closing Ceremonies tonight. I've heard that the rehearsal went well last night, so it should be downright amazing when it airs on TV tonight.

I've also heard the rumours - that there will be some significant musical bands doing some renditions of pop songs - should be boffo!

It must be running live, as I can't seem to find it with the listings feature on our PVR - no big deal, we'll just scroll through the channels when we get home tonight.

Anticipation!!!

Chow for now...

An Unusually Busy Summer...

It has sure been hectic around the Such Is Life household this summer - we don't seem to be getting much of a chance to enjoy our summer!

Not that I'm complaining (I am, a little bit...) - we do enjoy keeping busy. But it seems like we've had one thing after another occupying our time since spring. The season that is, not my watch part.

Yesterday I had the good fortune to sit on a panel at the 2nd annual When Words Collide writers' conference. This event seems to be really finding its groove - despite having a number of compelling break-out sessions and an awards ceremony at the time of our panel, we still had a good turnout, and exchanged some good advice (I hope) with our audience.

Today we are on the fly again, after some household chores. Guess we'll have to record the Olympic closing ceremonies. Oh wait, we haven't watched a lick of it anyway, why start at the end??

Who knows - as a former competitive hammock rider, I know a little about the competitive spirit.

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Say, wut have we heer??

Mebbe I shud juss take a lil peek...fer purely scientifik perposes...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Don know wut "seasoned" means - mebbe they's older, or reely well suntanned...

Juss gonna werk ma way a lil closer, an crane ma neck - a....a....

CALL THA COPS!!!

CALL THA COPS!!!

THERE'S A KILLER LOOSE!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

This ain't no peep show, this 's A SHRINK-WRAPPED CRIME SCENE!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I gotta call 911 - Cluck Fer Now!!!!!

It's A Gas Gas Gas!

What many of you may not be privy to, aside from Mrs. That Dan Guy, is that while I post these daily ramblings in the privacy of our humble abode, I pass gas like a fog machine at a rock concert. Sometimes loudly and boisterously, sometimes quietly and lethally. Ka-Boom!  Pffft... Rat-A-Tat-Tat.

Constantly.

No need to respect international laws. No worries about offending priests or rabbis. Happy-go-lucky, the gas passes freely.

I can't exactly say that this has anything at all to do with the creative process, but it does wonders for my morning cramps.

Oddly enough, I once threw out a housecoat that had worn through ONLY in the buttock area. Like it has been blasted clear through.

Coincidence? I wonder...

Regardless, it is my prerogative as Master Of The House, and it feels damn good...

Chow for now!

Happy Feet! (Soon...)

My orthotics arrived yesterday, so I went to my podiatrist to pick them up and become familiar with them. It will apparently take me three-to-four weeks to adjust, but even the first few hours felt great with them in. I think that between the Birkenstocks and these puppies, I should soon see major relief!

On the downside, I realize I'm becoming quite a liability around here. Orthotics, expensive shoes, a new tire for the car, body work that still has to be done on our vehicle after The Pre-Concert Steve Martin Scraping Mishap (Note to self: Consider renaming that incident - you did NOT scrape Steve Martin...).

At any rate, I've become an ongoing drain on our pocketbook. Mrs. That Dan Guy is generally pretty even-tempered, but I think I'll try sleeping with one eye open for the next little while...

Chow for now!

Don't Ask Me To Bring Home Eggs...

Confirmed yesterday that I gave my vehicle a $200.00 car wash on the weekend. You might expect that included detailing and a candlelight meal at a fine restaurant. No, it included somehow wrenching my tire against an abutment causing a tear in the sidewall, which couldn't be repaired. So, I must now drive on a donut spare tire until I get that sorted out.

In other news, I have a used lucky rabbit's foot for sale....

Chow for now!

Were It Not For The Grace Of Colonel Sanders...

I have always recognized the limitations of my talents with respect to the kitchen. Maybe I should have taken cooking classes, or relied less on speed dial for delivery.

Whatever the reason, I confess fully, and illuminate in my monthly column:

My Monthly REM Magazine Column

Enjoy!

Chow for now...

How To Become A Human Fountain.

Through the course of my various attempts to calm down my sinus issue recently, I was introduced to something called a Neti-Pot. Sadly, it had nothing at all to do with South Asian weed. The Neti-Pot is essentially a little plastic teapot, but you would never offer someone a cup of tea from it after you've used the little beggar for the purpose intended.

In a nutshell (or the Neti-Pot itself), you add a small packet of nasal cleansing powder to some warm water. Just by saying "nasal cleansing powder", you are probably already getting an image of just what unfolds next...

Yes, you press the spout of the tea pot up against a nostril, and the healing fluid then pours out. Of your other nostril. Like a frigging water fountain. Oddly enough, it feels pretty damn good, if you think about something else while its happening. Like newborn puppies, or a really good episode of Cheers.

What it does is replace fluids, even though I can't imagine many staying behind, based on the profuse flow from the opposing nostril opening. However the science works, the damn thing is like a miracle. I'm a fan, and will probably do another round momentarily.

May post a video later...

Chow for now!

Getting Better All The Time

Well, I'm pleased to report that my sinus infection has started to retreat - thanks to copious amounts of medication, rest and a miracle known as the neti-pot. Florence Nightingale can now stand down as well, as she was on heightened alert throughout my ordeal. Yes, ordeal - discomfort is right up there on my lack of tolerance meter...

So, now that my strength is repairing, and my spirit is returning, I may be able to finally tackle another bag of potato chips, and some TV.

It's a great day for a merry ca, everybody!

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Chicken, Charles D. Chicken...)

A'm preparin' fer tha Orlympicks closin' sara-moanies.  Too early??

Cluck fer now...

I'm A Wreck....

Fruck me - I'm a freakin' disaster!!!

Battling a brutal sinus infection that thus far has proven resistant to every painkiller from ibuprofen to a few "somewhat past-their-best-before date" Tylenol 3. I've irrigated my nasal passages more than the Suez Canal. The right side of my face feels like I've been kicked by a mule.

Overall, pretty tolerable....

My dang foot has been howling, thanks to the blasted Plantar Fasciitis. I don't get my orthotics for another week or so, and needed to try and relieve the pain - so I picked up a pair of Birkenstock sandals - which have really made a difference at least for the short term.

One the negative side, my hunchback shuffle is a little less authentic...

Man, I'm a wreck - somebody stick a fork in me - it wouldn't make things any worse!!

:-)

Chow for now...

Somethin' Ain't Right...

Well, I've been up all night, thank you very much. What started as a minor irritation the last few days has blossomed into a full-blown explosion in my face. Yowie!!

I'm pretty sure it's just a sinus infection, but the throbbing never let up one iota last night, despite about 10 ibuprofen, heating pads, saline irrigation up the wazoo (honker, actually - the wazoo is apparently not clogged in any way, shape or form...), and a number of homeopathic remedies. I will now need to visit a doc to see what logical attempts might be made to clear it up.

Until then, I can only try to soothe the savage beast - no luck to this point...

Chow for now!

"I'll Eat My Hat"

Of all the boastful sayings that are uttered, I think "I'll Eat My Hat" is one of those entirely inexplicable proclamations.

First off, I had a look at my sweat band after several days of a recent heat wave. I would not eat, lick, gum or even sniff that thing - not even for money.

Then there's the thingie that projects over your eyes. Who knows what bugs, acid rain or bird droppings have settled in on the average visor? Sheesh - that there's a veritable buffet of poisons and salmonella diarrhea production! Again, pas de nibble, por favor...

Finally, the head dress portion - the actual hat or cap crown. The one part of the hat that actively absorbs hair oil, hair gel, dandruff and sweat the entire time it is sitting on your noggin.

BLECH!!!

You go ahead and heat your own hat. I'll take a Ding Dong, thanks...

Chow for now!