If I were the mayor of the forest, I would initiate some common sense changes, to make the woods safer for us humans when we trek through them.

First off, I’d ask the carnivores to “just say no” when it comes to devouring humans. Come on, there’s all sorts of animals out there for them to chew on, why do they need to gnaw off one of our arms? As part of the non-devouring agreement, we may have to agree to quit shooting them for rugs and fur coats.

Second, some basic hygiene changes. It’s bad enough that lazy dog owners can’t clean up after their beasts crap all over the place, but wild animal scat is DISGUSTING to step into. One simple solution would be to identify gopher holes that the animals could poop down, and cover with fallen leaves. Sure, the gophers would have to adapt, but not everybody can be a winner when the status quo changes…

Finally, I’d request more public appearances from the wild animals. How exciting is it when you spot a deer, a coyote, or a unicorn in the wild? But it can be so infrequent. My thought is that with a bit of basic training, the animals could appear together (maybe not with their natural predators), and put on some sort of small performance. Maybe a tap number, or even just running and jumping over obstacles.

There you have it. If I were mayor of the forest…

Chow for now!!