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Thursday, March 19, 2015

The Environment Is Important To Us

Dear Hotel Guest,

At Stayus Expensivus, the environment is very important to us. Looking around, you may find that hard to believe, but it truly, truly is. We love the environment. Air for sure. Earth, to a lesser degree. Fire, not so much. Especially here on the 99th floor...

Water is where we are really at, environment-wise.

Please help us in those efforts, especially with our water conservation efforts. Linens and towels will be replaced upon departure or if placed on the floor after multiple uses, including (and only after repeatedly used) as an after shave or shower drying aid, or to clean up coffee maker overflows.

If you are required for any reason to soak up a large pool of blood, please reconsider leaving the towel on the floor afterwards. A quick rinse and it should be as good as new.

If you are needing to swat horseflies, again we ask that you rinse the towel in the sink, let it dry, and continue to use the towel during your stay.

In the unlikely event of migrating moths during feeding season, it is recommended that you keep your towels handy, under your bedsheets, until such time as the imminent threat has passed.

While this may seem quite egregious as a requirement of your stay, we simply cannot condone the highly excessive use of clean towels, much like you choose to do at home.

I respect that it may seem a bit of a contradiction, given that we bring large glasses of ice water for your meals, even Dumbo couldn't finish those king-sized pitchers in one sitting. We still care about water, the environment, and conservation. please do not harm elephants during our stay.

We are also quite aware that the water features that run throughout our entire resort might appear to present an illusion of waste, but let us make it very clear - we churn those waters as long as they remain fluid, and then capture the waste in shot glasses which we donate to emergency animal shelters for homeless hamsters.

Again, thank you in advance for your consideration of our request - we, and the environment of our Cayman Island bank accounts thank you...


Mrs That Dan Guy said...

Whatever Hotel people! For the price you charge, I want a clean towel every hour on the hour let me tell you!
Hmmm, now I am worried. Do you think those large pitchers and glasses of water are re-used? Yuk! Bottled water from now on dude.

ThatDanGuy said...

They should have the Radio City Rockettes, deliver those towels every hour!!!