Ah…Monday morning! A fresh new week begins. The sun is shining, the birds are singing – say, one of them birds might be pretty tasty barbecued…

I can only eat birds and fishes for the next few days, thanks to the latest indignity related to my advancing years. A male of my…uh…experienced years apparently needs to monitor certain body areas for health, and one of those areas is located where I don’t often get to keep an eye on it.

Part of this monitoring requires “samples” – gross, disgusting samples which will require me to - and there’s just no pleasant way to describe this – find out what it’s like to be paper-trained.

The joys of getting older. God help me…

Chow for now!!

Mrs. That Dan Guy has one of those uncomfortable “stitches” in her side. Literally!

After the removal of two wisdom teeth last week, she had a couple of stitches that the dentist had to sew in, after he tore out a sizeable portion of her jawbone, or something like that. They were the dissolving kind, so it was just a matter of time before she would lose them.

However, she had grown to enjoy them, and frequently interacted with them, most especially with her tongue. As a matter of fact, they had become quite chummy.

Yesterday, after breakfast, she made the usual rounds, and discovered (to her horror) that the stitches had vamoosed – likely swallowed along with bacon and eggs.

Will a stitch in side save time? We shall see!

At the very least, it’ll be like a 60’s “bubble gum” pop song:

“Yummy Yummy Yummy, I Got Catgut In My Tummy…”

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

HIC!!!

HIC!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

S’what’s shakin’, mammal-face??

HIC!!!!

Hey. how come ole Charlie ain’t never seen this space here before? These is SOME friendly little buddies…

HIC!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Pluck me…is that the room spinnin’, or's my eyes onna wrong sida my head?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HIC!

A corkscrew! A corkscrew!! My kingdom for a corkscrew!!

HIC!!!!

Oh yeah…heh heh heh…I already FOUND a screwcork…

HIC!!!

AAAWK-BUK!!!!

Huh????

Wuzzat??

Oh-oh…I think I got into these plcukers a bit too early for this mornin’ – I think my beaks gonna blow…

HIC!!!

LOOK OUT!!!!! MAKE WAY!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now…….

Alright AC-DC, what the heck is up with you guys? No Calgary stop on your current tour? You’re killin’ me here!!

To make things worse, TWO of my sisters-in-law have seen you so far, as you’ve traipsed across the frozen wastelands of Canada – in two different Canadian cities! I know Mrs. That Dan Guy has been adamantly on the record as saying a pack of spitting camels couldn’t drag her into one of your concerts, but I’m pretty sure I could have persuaded her to attend, if you would have at least had the courtesy to BOOK A SHOW HERE!!!!!!!!

You’re killin’ me…

AC-DC, I wanted to be back in black, I wanted to walk on the highway to hell!

I would have been about to rock, and I would have saluted you!

Bah humbug…

Chow for now!!

If I had to try and nail down who I consider to be among the best actors of all time, my list would include people like:

1) The “Sham-Wow!” commercial pitchman guy – man, there’s one talented actor!

2) Juan Valdez – the guy says so much about coffee, by saying so little…

3) Valerie Bertinelli – come on – not only is she part of classic rerun TV, she’s carved out a whole new niche as a spokesperson. That’s talent!

4) Jack Lemmon. Waaay more talented than his college roommate, John Lime.

5) The Kool-Aid pitcher – he just seeps of refreshment in his role.

6) Christopher Walken. A dramatic actor, a comedic actor, an actor whose head of hair knows no boundaries. The man is a pioneer.

Running out of time, so I better wrap up with Walken. More on this topic later…

Chow for now!!

Someday I hope to understand how it is that Microsoft and Windows rule the personal computing world.

(If this was Twitter, today’s post would already be done.)

I’m just downloading about 34 updates for my net-book, which the operating system had previously been unable to detect, even with a bloodhound and Google Mapping. I knew something was up, as Windows typically needs plenty of tweaking and attention, such as it is. However, nothing seemed tobe updating over the past few months, so I worried that perhaps something was amiss. My updates were – a-missin’…

So, they are now downloaded, and installing. Hopefully all will be well in my Windows world soon.

The price one pays for not going Mac…

Chow for now!!

Every once in awhile, I imagine that I may be missing my calling in life. How am I supposed to know if I had really been meant to pursue a life in science, discovering a cure for liver spots?

How do I know that I wasn’t meant to be a beet farmer, or a Danish prince? All legitimate options, by the way.

I’ve always felt that maybe my minor interest in dragonflies meant that I should have become an insect scientist (there must be some sort of technical word for that endeavor, but it’s barely 7 AM for Pete’s sake!). Knowing I should have done that, and didn’t – would really bug me.

Hee hee…

Chow for now!

(1280 posts to date - that adds up to 11!!)

Everyone should send kind thoughts to poor Mrs. That Dan Guy today. Later this afternoon (and after a lengthy tooth-and-nail fight to keep them), our local dentist will tighten his vise-grip pliers, and extricate a few of her wisdom teeth. She has held onto them for years, ignoring advice to have them removed.

Not too long ago, while enjoying our popcorn and toffee diet, two of them shattered – I kid you not. Shards of tooth everywhere, but attached no longer where they should have been. I think I took a piece of enamel shrapnel in the cheek.

After our epic dust-up playing cards the other day, I hope she can afford to lose any more wisdom…

Hee hee…

Chow for now!!

It was ugly…and almost awkward.

It was bad after the first ten or twenty in a row – even worse after thirty or forty. Things were bleak for my opponent, who appeared entirely unable to regroup, nor gather any reasonable, meagre form of capable or effective defense.

History will recall it in song and poetry, like other epic bloodbaths.

Even though it was just an evening of Crazy Eights out in the gazebo, it will be remembered forever as “Mrs. That Dan Guy’s Waterloo”, or “The Night Of Relentless Losing”.

Thankfully I am humble, and have chosen not to rub this in her face…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Sniffffffffff……..

Hello, humany peoples, and fellow cluckers. Ole Charlie here, takin’ time to stop an smell tha roses. So what if teknikally they ain’t so much roses as they are…well, who knows WHAT they are??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, it’s a sunny cluckin’ day, an I’m out walkin' in the woods, stoppin’ to enjoy the wonders a nature – even if ya do have ta watch where ya walk, so as not to step in somethin’ notso wonderful in nature…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Umm…anyone know the way outta this god-forsaken nature-land? I’ll confess – I started out walkin’ a while ago, and now every pluckin’ flower looks alike! I shoulda dropped some bread crumbs…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

HOLY CLUCK!!! Wuz that a fighter jet, or a bumblebee? Are those wolves I hear barkin’?? Wut kinda nutbar goes off into the woods anyway? I could be watchin’ The Nature Channel if I wanted ta see greenery…

I THINK I SEE A ALLIGATOR!!!

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Cluck for now…………………

Quite the exciting day, yesterday. Not one of your “average” days (ie: nothing to write about here) in the ole Such Is Life household…

First off, I received confirmation that I’ll be included among the media folks invited to interview Joyce Dewitt (one of the stars of “Three’s Company”) at our local Stage West theatre restaurant, which is gracious, considering my newspaper column doesn’t even run here in Calgary. It will be part of my growing catalogue of audio columns, which I must get out to a market here somewhere. That should be a hoot.

Second, after only one day on my amazing popcorn diet, I had a follow-up report yesterday afternoon from my internal medicine specialist, indicating that my ticker (not my Timex – the internal one) has improved tremendously – I may have to develop a late-nite informercial pitching this incredible new discovery – who knew popcorn could do what broccoli was never able to do, AND in such a short time!!

GO POPCORN!!

Finally, while out for a late-nite walk with Mrs. That Dan Guy, we were in the home stretch (literally – we were just a few doors down from our house) when we saw a young punk step out of the shadows, and break into a parked car. Delightful. He grabbed something out of the vehicle and sprinted away into more shadows. How’s that for a warm fuzzy feeling, just a few doors down from your house?

We called the cops, who were prompt to respond, but the thug had already vanished.

May need to redirect my Gopher webcam to the street – at least our gopher isn’t thieving from parked cars.

Chow for now!!

VINDICATION!!!

I read a piece in the newspaper yesterday, proclaiming popcorn to be a health food. Well, it took long enough.

Yes, experts now agree that as a whole food, popcorn is an essential staple of your daily diet (or something to that effect, basically), although they stopped short of recommending soda and Maltesers in combination. Soon enough – patience is a virtue.

Now that popcorn is recognized as a dietary boon, can potato chips, pretzels and peanuts be all that far behind? I hope not.

Omigod, what about hot dogs? My mind is literally swimming with delight.

I’m going to be as fit as that Tony Little guy, without sweating my kabuki off on one of his Gazelle contraptions!

Some days, life is just great…

Chow for now!!

I wish I had become a weather forecaster – what a great job! No requirement to ever be right, even whilst looking right out a window to see snow falling in abundance, and saying (with an entirely straight face) that it’s going to be “sunny all day”. What a hoot!

Chow for now!!

It was too good to be true…

After crowing about how successful I was with updating some technology here in my home office – I was promptly humbled by that very same technology – I’m always available for random humbling, it would appear…

While I was able to successfully install a new wireless router, as I used the ole Crapmaster 2000 yesterday, I experienced constant loss of my internet connection. Brand-new router? Couldn’t be the culprit, so I assumed it had to be the hardware on the Crapmaster. I determined I had to search for and download driver updates. A walk in the park.

I’m not sure what park I thought I’d be walking in, but I ended up lost in some pretty deep woods, and there weren’t no fairy-tale gingerbread houses for me to stumble along into. It was dark, and foreboding – like I was in a world with no Celine Dion, or BeeGees.

Mrs. That Dan Guy was foolhardy enough to poke her head in, whilst I was gasping for air (did I mention the humidity in that forest?) – what she saw wasn’t pretty. I was becoming just a little frustrated at the fact that I could no longer even consider accessing the internet – it seemed that my driver update had removed the function entirely!! Let me tell you, I was using “darn”, and “nuts” profusely.

After banging my sloped forehead against my desk for an hour or so, I must have accidentally rebooted the computer – which at that point somehow regained the magic of an internet connection. Fearing I had lost my mind, I shut it down immediately, so as to keep the magic trapped inside. Soon, I will start it up, and see if it is still there.

Wish me luck.

Chow for now!!

Yesterday (all my troubles seemed so far away…) was “Technology Day" here in the “Such Is Life” household. I was in charge of updating our woeful wireless internet, and Mrs. That Dan Guy’s workspace. Being a natural expert with electronic devices, the process only took 10 hours, and that doesn’t include the time I spent (fruitlessly) Saturday.

The last time I tried to update our wireless router, the ole Crapmaster 2000 and its Vista OS protested – crashing and giving me more blue error screens than a dunces' tournament of Jeopardy. Despite online tech help, I ultimately had to uninstall the router and software, and retreat back to my 1981 router, with an effective wireless distance you couldn’t even spit past.

The new router this weekend seemed to be a better fit, with absolutely no crashes this time. But the first stab was more like a poke with an unsharpened pencil – it would not work no matter what I tried. Reluctantly, I reverted back to the old router, once again.

Sunday morning, armed with grit, determination and a ball peen hammer, I tried once again, ever the optimist. Once again, I was thwarted – the computer and router failed to communicate. Raising my hammer, I noticed a “Help” number on the router packaging, and figured I may as well give that a try.

After about 45 minutes of very technical jibbity-jabbety, and a tour of places my mouse has never taken me before on my computer – THE FREAKIN’ ROUTER WORKED!!! Some sorcery I will never understand was required, but who cares – it works!

After a short break to make my brain stop hurting, I added a wireless keyboard and mouse to MTDG’s home workspace, to make her life a bit easier. We are now practically reveling in wirelessness.

Chow for now!

Travel Tips – Reflections From The Road (earlier this year...):

Tip #1 – When you are travelling, different cities enjoy varied success with hailing taxicabs.

In the example posted above, the gentleman beckoning for a cab has yet to discover that the Las Vegas strip is NOT a street in downtown Manhattan – he has clearly been waiting longer than your average grizzly bear, to no avail.

So, our travel tip for today is – if you’re in Las Vegas, proceed to an actual cab stand, rather than taking your chances out on the boulevard.

And remember folks – have your pets spayed or neutralized!

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Give me strength, Great Rooster…give me strength…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Humans, lemme state for the record that I bear no responsibility whatsoever for what some dumb clucks do for fun in this here coop!

Jumpin’ inna shower this mornin’, I had the chicken nuggets scared outta me by this here moron, Cornelius. If ya wanna play Hidin’ Seek, then let your fellow particy-pants in on the game…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I had the lassed laff tho – he’ll be nursin’ his noggin for a week or two, after I clobbered his stoopid chicken head with a bottle of conditioner. The stoopid look on his face wuz from AFTER the reminder a whose boss aroun’ here!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Anyone else wanna be funny? Bring it on!

Cluck for now!!

What is the best cereal ever?

There’s been so many good ones over the years – Fruit Loops, Count Chocula, Lucky Charms – but which one is the best of all time?

Then there’s the duds – Puffed Rice, Rice Krispies, Bran Flakes, Bran Clumps, Bran Boat Anchors – what cereal is the WORST of all time? Even a cup of raw sugar couldn’t make some of those shredded cardboard options palatable. Which ones turn YOUR stomach?

Which delights am I missing? Sugar Corn Pops, Sugar Marshmallowed Chocolate Bites, Sugar Snack, Frosted Sugar Delight, Spoonful Of Sugar… Hmmm…no wonder I have diabetes…

Chow for now!

I must eat…

Chow – for now!

I’m not so sure that we still have a gopher living under our front door stairs. At least, I haven’t seen him/her lately. The lawn is intact – either we have one lazy gopher, or he/she has moved on up to finer accommodations.

Of course, maybe the gopher shares our interest in travel, and is currently playing Craps in some casino out Nevada way. Or, maybe he/she failed some courses in the regular year, and is forced to attend summer school sessions to work towards his/her graduation next year.

Or, maybe the little rodent is well-heeled, and is vacationing in the south of France at the moment.

Whatever the case, I’m inclined to spray some water or sand into the space between the ground and the stairs, to see if anyone’s home – or in need of a shower.

Overall, he/she has been pretty well behaved, so the lack of rental income hasn’t been so bad…

Chow for now!!

I awoke to the news today that longtime music partners Brooks & Dunn are calling it quits – pending a farewell tour. Of course, the news came from Mrs. That Dan Guy, who can on occasion be a less-than-reliable news source. Point in case – I have yet to see anything official about the Brooks & Dunn announcement on the morning news – so she could just be delusional.

In that case, I hereby make my own announcements:

· * Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie are set to star in a Broadway revival of “Grease”.

· * Bob Barker confesses to being forced off of “The Price Is Right” hosting duties, to pave the way for Monty Hall’s return to TV. No one having consulted Monty, he declined, and producers had to scramble to find another host. I really wish this train of thought had been going somewhere…

· * Fruit Of The Loom announces the breakup of their popular spokes-models, as Apple signs deal to promote No-Name long-johns. Grape is crushed…

· * Jonas Brothers accidentally take music lessons – career is over!

Still no word on Brooks & Dunn – I say MTDG is nuts…

Chow for now!!

I found some “older” newspapers around the house yesterday – papers I had previously set aside when I couldn’t read them earlier. One of my (many) quirks I suppose, not being able to let something like that go to recycling, unless I at least even casually peruse the stupid things.

At any rate, many of the stories were about a pending election, with some fella named Obama running for the presidency of the U.S. of A. Also steady coverage of a pending divorce settlement between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. One cartoon in particular was hilarious, with McCartney hanging suspended, while Mills whacked him with a stick – a la a piñata – to the tune of “Can’t Buy Me Love”.

Wonder whatever happened to her? Him, we saw live twice this year…

Chow for now!

“One man, racing against time.”

“An epic battle between a single mortal and the elements.”

“A face-off between energy and willpower…”

*****************************************************

(Technically-speaking, I’m trying to finish and post this blog before the battery on my laptop dies…

Not as easy as it sounds, when you’re using over-sized paws on a miniature keyboard…)

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

Blech….

Hello, my flesh-covered amigos – ole Charlie is just getting’ ready for his annual bath – sumthin’ I ain’t so fond of, truth be told.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

I know, hi-Gene’s a pretty important thing, but have ya ever had to walk around with wet feathers? Clean or not, it ain’t pretty…

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Every year about this time, I hold my nose, and just go ahead with this bathin’ thing. Far as I’m concerned, I smell pretty good, as far as a piece of poultry is concerned. I’d be more worried if I wuz a perpetual gas-bag, like El Bald-O that shares our space here – that clown oughta try havin’ more fiber with his pinto bean breakfast burritos!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, I see that the sun has decided ta stop by an’ visit, after 4 weeks of gloom and preciped-ation. Maybe I don’t HAVE to drip-dry after all!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Alright, let’s get this over with…cluckin’ water and soap – a bird could catch his death a cold with all this tom-foolery…

Cluck for now!!

08 07 09…not quite 07 08 09, but pretty close…

I hear that some Aerosmith concerts in Canada are unlikely to go ahead, with the recent stage accident that hobbled singer Steven Tyler. Already, the Winnipeg show has been torpedoed, and there are question marks about the Saskatchewan shows. The newspaper here suggests the whole tour could be mothballed.

Not that I find that amusing in any way – we had initially wanted to catch the tour when it rolled through Calgary. But, I wrote a newspaper column of my own a few weeks back, poking fun at how Aerosmith were notorious (back in their heyday in the 70’s) for cancelling shows, ESPECIALLY in Winnipeg. Times change? Apparently not.

So, now with my new-found Nostradamus-like powers of precognition, I will divert my attention from aging rockers, to the third race at Belmont later today. How does “Foul Wind” sound? Sounds like a winner to me!!

Chow for now!

Off bright and early this morning for a Thallium Stress Test – a follow-up to one that I had done a few years ago. Looking for signs of improvement, I suppose.

This is an interesting test, as you are injected with some sort of radioactive dye, yet gain absolutely no powers similar to those of The Incredible Hulk, or Batman. Technically, Batman isn’t well-known for having special powers in the comic universe, but he’s the one that sprang to mind at this early hour.

The “stress” part of the test is supposed to be running on a treadmill for a few minutes, but that’s a breeze compared to the omissions I have had to make the past couple of days – no caffeine, and no chocolate. Isn’t there some sort of human rights violations in these cases?

I’ve also been fasting since midnight, so I just don’t have the energy to put up much of a fuss. It’ll be all I can do to program my VCR before we leave the house…

Chow for now!

Slower than a feather bullet.

Less powerful than a loco motion.

Look, there on my desk – it’s a Windows Vista computer!!

I know…broken record, but come on – despite countless updates, this system still performs like Forest Gump after a lobotomy with a felt marker. There are times (like this morning) where it just zones out during boot-up, and forgets that it needs to continue the process. Sure, maybe there’s a problem or two that needs attention from an IT professional. Personally, I’d like to drop a heavy IT professional ON it – whilst the developers of this abomination operating system are piled underneath it.

I know what’s coming. I’m going to have to pay for either a complete reload of my computer, or for someone to install a new OS – either way, I am hissed at it. Hissed off, that’s what I am.

Holy zit, this thing gets my goat. Some days, it operates so close as to mimic a real computer, that I almost forget how zitty it really is. Then, on a fine frosty morning in August like today – it forsakes me, and I am left holding back from dropping an Acme safe on it.

Oh well, at least after it takes half an hour to start, I’ve got something to write about here.

Lucky you…

Chow for now!!

Yo Ho Ho, and a bottle of rum!

Avast, mateys…

Arrr…

Shiver me timbers, buoys and gulls – it’s so wet outside I thinks me brain’s gotten soggy by osmosis – And if I do say so myself, I thinks Mrs. That Dan Guy might be exhibitin’ signs of scurvy! ‘Scuse me while I prepare her a meal of lime and lemon peels...

This is what you get from griping about a rainy summer – the flipping rain decides to really settle in and stay awhile – I’m pretty sure I caught a family of raindrops speaking to a Realtor about a condo that's for sale down the block.

But seriously folks, this is getting a little silly already. We’re into August, and the thermometer has yet to even threaten reaching +30º Celsius. It’s barely even reached a mid-range 20-something since we’ve returned from our travels. Aye Caramba!! My parrot’s got frostbite on her beak!

Well, one thing for sure – my garden hose is facing unemployment if this keeps up. No brown patches on the lawn THIS summer.

Better go bail out the bilge a bit…I think me planks are smellin' a bit gamey...

Chow for now!

It’s not wise to screw with Mother Nature – paraphrasing admittedly a shade wrong, wasn’t there a popular commercial with that message a few years ago? Maybe it was a few decades ago…

At any rate, after griping about rainfall here recently, we got that in spades overnight – a massive storm cell blew into town around 1:30 AM, bringing heavy winds, hail, thunder, lightning, buckets of rain, and several small household pets that formerly lived in areas that the storm had passed through previously. At one point, I could feel my house a’rockin’, and glancing outside, nobody was brave enough to come a’knockin’.

It was so stormy, it even awoke the deeply sleepy Mrs. That Dan Guy, who normally hibernates like a Kodiak when she retires for the evening. It is a Kodiak, isn’t it? I think a Zodiac is an inflatable boat…

Anyhow, we watched the storm for a bit, and confirmed on The Weather Network that is was indeed inclement outside, before heading back to bed around 2:00 AM. Hence my late start this morning (NOT that we were watching The Game Show Network, or anything like that once we crawled out of bed…).

Working on my second cup of coffee, almost feel like I could run a few miles once I’ve read the morning paper. If only Wii consoles had a virtual running program…

Chow for now!

When you factor in that this is officially a long weekend, I presume that I can dawdle a bit getting started on this here blog.

At least, that’s my story, and I’m sticking with it…

Powerful winds and rain outside the city last night, seeing as how it is a holiday weekend here – inclement weather remains as our one reliable tradition in Canada. A presumption of the gods regarding any group of people that continues to live in a country covered in snow most of the time sadistically desires pelting rain in the few remaining warmer months.

We received the heavy winds (no rain to speak of) in the city, but that thankfully passed along soon enough. Our resident gopher must not like the gusts, as he has been rather low-key the past few days.

Hey, we were catching up last night on some TV recorded while we were away, and watched one of our three favourite shows, “Live From Abbey Road”. Yesterday’s trio of performers were Brian Wilson, Martha Wainwright, and Teddy Thompson, the latter we had both never heard of before. Too bad – he’s an exceptional singer/songwriter. The show closed with a duet of he and Martha on The Beatles “We Can Work It Out” – and now I MUST have that rendition! Wow-zer!! Spectacular…

Sheesh – all over the map today. Must have been those strong winds…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Charlie’s Pluckin’ & Cluckin’ Music Reviews:

“Across The Universe” Motion Picture Soundtrack

Mornin’, ya hairy mammals! Charlie’s hear ta edjacate ya taday. I’m gonna bring some culture ta yer empty noggins, even if it kills me in the process!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Today, I wanna talk about a nifty little soundtrack album, from a movie that featured lotsa Beatles songs. Havin’ eaten my fair share of beetles over the years, I’m kinda partial to their music.

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Any-hoo, when I saw this terrific movie, I really enjoyed the soundtrack to it. Cover versions by cast members of Beatles songs, but lotsa them are pretty cluckin’ good – sumthin’ ya can’t always say about Beatles covers, ain’t that right Peter Frampton??

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Sure, the movie was aimed at the youthful, but if ya enjoyed beetles when ya grew up, like I did – ya just might enjoy this soundtrack album. While it don’t contain “Good Mornin’” or any other songs with chicken an rooster references, I can look aside from those exclusions to still find a few ditties to enjoy. Who don’t enjoy a pleasant ditty every once inna while?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Plus, one of the producers of the album is T Bone Burnett, which is way better in my books than Chicken Wing Magoo!

Cluck for now, losers!!