A blank page. A screen unblemished by typeface and or goofy graphics, shooting for a cheap laugh.
That would be any site other than this one, I figure. Where no low hasn’t already been achieved, or further depths aren’t just as likely. Yes, here in the Such Is Life household, we strive to ensure that we have standards, low as they may be.
Our humble apologies…
Chow for now.
Hey, we’re finally seeing a bit of summer, here in soggy ole Cowtown! It hit 30° for the first time yesterday, and it appears that the thermometer will be lingering in the higher numbers for the next few days.
Boo-Yah!
Now I will rapidly plant some corn and lettuce, so that I can garnish the bologna I picked up from the deli yesterday. Mmm-mmm good!!
Chow for now!
As we’re coming up to the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, it dawned on me that I have an interview with a comedy troupe from New Orleans that I should edit and post on my podcast site. It was quite a bit of a hoot, although due to time constraints, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I didn’t get a chance to stick around and see them perform.
I’ll try and get that done over the next few days, and then I’ll post a link to that here – but for now, here’s a column that resulted from the interview, which seems to still be lurking around online:
http://www.eventpub.com/stories.php?id=118477
Enjoy!
Chow for now!!
You know, I often wonder why (usually immediately after I’ve done something) I haven’t thought things through thoroughly, before proceeding.
Take my post from a few days ago (please – ba-dum-bum) – I presented an entire blather stream that began almost at the extreme far end of the alphabet, specifically the letter “W”.
"Why?" Exactly.
Today, in deference to the START of said alphabet, I present for your reading enjoyment (hee hee hee – why yes, I may very well be completely delusional, thank you…) a selection from – the letter “D”.
-Dapper Dee Drives DeSoto Daringly!
-Darting Dachshunds Dive Down Driveway!
-Delores Dates Danny, Dumps Darren!
-Dustin Dieber Doesn’t Dominate Dance Domain…
-Do Dingoes Dangle Der Dinner?
-Da Doo Doo Doo, De Da Da Da
-Dynamic.
-Disney’s Duck, Donald?
-Dis dumb, daresay…
Chow for now!!
Our cat has been hiding under the bed for what seems to have been an awfully long time. Weeks, maybe?
It’s been SOOO long, I frankly don’t even remember what kind of cat it is.
For that matter, now that I think about it a bit longer…I’m not even sure we have a cat anymore!
Which would explain the food and water that hasn’t been touched by the back door, and the remarkable condition of the kitty litter box – it’s so pristine you could eat out of it!
Not that I’d want to consider that, even if it were true that we are in fact…cat-less!
Now, why would Mrs. That Dan Guy encourage me to maintain some façade of pet ownership, if we are lacking in any sort of live feline companionship? Is it some sort of test of my responsibility quotient? Is she secretly “punking” me, and posting my efforts on the Yoo-Hoo Tube?
Some days, I sure wish I had a better sense of awareness…
Today’s post is brought to you be the letter “W” (just for shiggles…)
Waddle.
Wiggle.
Wobble.
Waffle.
Wee Walter’s winter wiener was wrinkled.
Why would Wendy wallow wistfully?
Where we wiffle, we wattle!
Wallop.
Wherefort wart whoa, Womeo?
Wakka Wakka…
Whirrr….
Well, we-xcuuuu—se we!!!
Why?
Chow for now!!
Happy 11th, everyone!
Here’s a column from a while ago, seemed like a summer-appropriate post:
Learnings From My Lawn Chair
I read somewhere recently that dolphins may not be as smart as we think they are, just because they have a big brain. The writer of the article suggested that dolphins could likely be outwitted by lab rats, and possibly even goldfish. I hope the scientist the writer had interviewed for the column was talking about actual fishbowl residents, and not the cracker variety – that wouldn’t bode very well for the average dolphin.
Even though I have a hard time picturing a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish in the same laboratory classroom filling out a pop quiz, I had an even harder time with the columnist’s picks for the top ten smartest animals:
1) Great Apes (includes humans, chimps gorillas, etc): Being human, I can agree with this ranking, although the one great ape I have in my monthly poker group really isn’t all that bright…I mean, come on – who raises with a four and a seven off-suit?
2) New World Monkeys: All things being equal, are they really that much smarter than Old World Monkeys??
3) Dolphins, Whales. Etc: Wait a minute - I thought they said dolphins weren’t really all that bright?? Shouldn’t mice or goldfish be number three?? Does this researcher read his own notes?
4) Pigs: Well, Babe could sure talk up a storm, so I suppose I’d have to agree with this one as well…
5) Octopuses: I may not be an actual “scientist”, but shouldn’t that be “octopi”? Frankly, I prefer my octopuses not so much bright, but more breaded and deep-fried.
6) Crows, Ravens, Magpies, etc.: Whenever I have to eat crow, I always feel much smarter myself…and let me tell you, I can eat a LOT of crow.
7) Dogs: My wife recently enrolled me in a dog obedience school, so I’ll update you after a few lessons. Already I feel that my begging skills are sharpening considerably…
8) Cats: We used to have a pair of cats that were world-class gymnasts. That takes some brains, and on more than one occasion, they outwitted me while playing with a ball of yarn. There may be some truth to this ranking.
9) Elephants: This one surprised me. I know they’ve got good memories, but being so sluggish, I guess they must keep a lot of that brain power pent up for something. Imagine seeing a couple of those beasts working in IT positions for your computer problems! “Jumbo Solutions, please hold.”
10) Parrots: Parrots have occasionally frightened me a bit. I used to keep crackers handy, just in case I ever ran into one of those talking show-offs. If you can mimic humans, you’d have to be smarter than a pig?? So how did they end up at Number Ten?
There you have it – the apparent list of creatures ranked by superiority of intellect.Which makes me question my own, having decided to turn that list into a column.
Dear Soda Cracker Manufacturer,
Good morning, and thank you in advance for listening to my concerns. Which it turns out, are manifold.
While I have enjoyed your product immensely for several decades now, the inconsistency of your product has prompted this action, in the hopes (however dim) that bringing these concerns to your attention will generate some inward reflection, at the very least.
First off, how is it even possible to overcook soda crackers – so much so that they look like they have grown tree bark? Soda crackers are typically expected in lighter shades, NOT sporting George Clooney’s tan. If No-Name Brand manufacturers can remember this rudimentary technique, wouldn’t it be reasonable to expect a major manufacturer to do the same?
Second, is there any way to possible correct the setting of your machinery – the one in particular that packages each individual cell of crackers? Not much of an adjustment, mind you – just enough to prevent 90% of the product from arriving pre-crushed. Handy as that is for enjoying your product with soup, a meal of cheese and crackers gets a bit more complicated.
I could go on, but that should be enough to at least open a file, and perhaps prompt some internal investigation. I look forward to your response.
Thanks,
That Dan Guy
Timely Look Back…
Hey, how about this handy little online find? I came across an old column of mine from The Calgary Herald that’s quite timely, as we currently watch the summer gasoline pump price increases.
Enjoy!
http://www.canada.com/calgaryherald/news/story.html?id=272739dc-d19f-464f-b52c-8660542ab814
Chow for now!!
Toast. Dry cereal. Stale cinnamon buns – what a boring group of breakfast choices!
How about:
Scrambled ostrich eggs, with liberal sprinkles of braised raccoon meat.
Freshly kneaded caviar cornbread.
Antelope biscuits.
Any sort of fruit medley that doesn’t sway either way in the “too tart” or “too sweet” spectrum. And doused by spilled goblets of brown sugar.
Bacon from a warthog. The animal, not students from the Harry Potter school…
Chitlins – I have no idea what those are, but they sure sound exotic…
Hmmm…now I’m even hungrier than before I had to MAKE a decision…better grab a muffin…
Chow for now!
Chicken Scratch
(posted for no apparent reason by a rebellious, cantankerous, somewhat delusional rubber chicken, every weekend…)
Wuuuuzzzzuuuuuupppp?????
BUK-AAAWK!!!!
Hey, remember that ole Budwizer commercial? Wutta trip! My favourite wuz tha frogs, but tha footsball players were pretty funny too.
What the cluck does that hafta do with me sittin’ beside this Labatt’s hat?
Who cluckin’ knows??
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
This does remind of sum great country songs tho – like “Pretty Good At Drinkin’ Beer”. I can relate ta that! Budwizer, Labatt’s, Hangover Rover – they’re all pretty cluckin’ good as fur as I’m concerned.
Whoops! I said fur…
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
An me barely even sportin’ any feathers!!
Wut the cluck???
“Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey…”
Rotatin’ rooster on a roto-rooter! I can’t get these country songs outta my head!! I think I must be part cowpoke!!
BUK-AAAAWK!!!!
Too much beer an pickup trucks!
Too much beer period………………..
I gotta lay my ole crown down…
Cluck fer now!!Wow!
The interview with the cast of “Two Pianos Four Hands” that I posted a couple of weeks ago on Libsyn/iTunes is getting loads of downloads. In a short while of availability, it’s already almost caught up to the interviews with Joyce Dewitt, and “8 Simple Rules” author W. Bruce Cameron.
Amazing…
Bruce Cameron, by the way has a new book out that’s going pretty viral itself. “A Dog’s Purpose” is an amazing read, written from the perspective of the dog, and I’ll be posting links to reviews I get published soon.
Coming soon, more goodies! Keep your aluminum foil alien-emitted microwave protector hats firmly on your heads, and keep checking back!
Chow for now!
We have a family (or a clan) of coyotes that gets to howling late at night in our neighbourhood. Sometimes it’s due to the trains that roll through the area, and sometimes I think they howl because of that nutty Vince on late-nite infomercials. If he ain’t floggin’ Sham-Wows, he’s pluggin’ Slap Chop, or Bat Mop, or Crap Drop. Somewhere, 1980’s Madonna is still looking for her telephony over-the-ear microphone set, and one night at 3 AM she’ll spot Vince wearing it.
I don’t think she’s gonna love his nuts.
Sure, this all sounds a little bit inappropriate, but…oh, that’s too funny – there’s the blasted Slap Chop commercial again!! Good grief – martini, Houdini, Zucchini – only on TV!!
Say, how come MY order hasn’t arrived yet, now that I think about it…
Didn’t this whole ramble start off with coyotes? I think I may have ADD…
Chow for now!
I guess my blog has “arrived”. After 4 years of daily postings, I finally got my first spammer onboard the other day. Imagine my delight!
I hope I don’t have to start playing around with requiring moderation before posts from readers can go up on the blog – it’s nice to just let everything go on cruise control. As you may be able to tell if you’re a regular reader here, I’ve always believed that less is more. Kind of like the requisite talent for all the current “celebs” that grace all the newsmagazine shows these days.
What exactly is a Kardashian anyway???
Anyhow, I’m hoping this is an isolated incident, and that this clown moves along to some other poor sap with his jerseys, or whatever he hopes to have readers click on only to have thier computers infested with viruses, worms, and decaffeinated coffee.
Leave this space alone Cyber-Spammer, so that rubber chickens can share their innermost thoughts with the world, and I can continue to plead my case for a world where Celine Dion releases new singles every day of the week.
Nirvana, dude…
Chow for now!!Do you ever find yourself wondering if someone really IS a hoot and a holler?
And can you really be both?
Maybe. I suppose you could holler while you’re hooting, or hoot while you’re hollering.
But how does that explain someone that is considered to be both, at the same time?
I imagine I’ve been a hoot on an occasion or two. I have hollered, once I think I even yodeled.
This is getting off track a bit, but once I did spurt Orange Crush through my nose. That could have been a hoot and a holler moment…
So much to contemplate…
Chow for now!!
Tried putting together a homemade milkshake today…it certainly didn’t resemble anything I’ve ever picked up at a fast food restaurant drive-thru window.
First, I poured milk into a tall glass – seemed like a logical first step. Then, I started to shake it.
Took some degree of time as well as liberal amounts of paper towels to clean up the milk that spewed everywhere, whilst the shaking was underway. Tried a second time, but for this bout I held my hand over the glass.
Despite shaking my glass vigorously, the milk just seemed to stay thin in composition.
This is not what you’d consider a successful trip to the kitchen. I better visit a recipe book…
Chow for now!!
