Happy 11^th, everyone!

Here’s a column from a while ago, seemed like a summer-appropriate post:

Learnings From My Lawn Chair

I read somewhere recently that dolphins may not be as smart as we think they are, just because they have a big brain. The writer of the article suggested that dolphins could likely be outwitted by lab rats, and possibly even goldfish. I hope the scientist the writer had interviewed for the column was talking about actual fishbowl residents, and not the cracker variety – that wouldn’t bode very well for the average dolphin.

Even though I have a hard time picturing a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish in the same laboratory classroom filling out a pop quiz, I had an even harder time with the columnist’s picks for the top ten smartest animals:

1) Great Apes (includes humans, chimps gorillas, etc): Being human, I can agree with this ranking, although the one great ape I have in my monthly poker group really isn’t all that bright…I mean, come on – who raises with a four and a seven off-suit?

2) New World Monkeys: All things being equal, are they really that much smarter than Old World Monkeys??

3) Dolphins, Whales. Etc: Wait a minute - I thought they said dolphins weren’t really all that bright?? Shouldn’t mice or goldfish be number three?? Does this researcher read his own notes?

4) Pigs: Well, Babe could sure talk up a storm, so I suppose I’d have to agree with this one as well…

5) Octopuses: I may not be an actual “scientist”, but shouldn’t that be “octopi”? Frankly, I prefer my octopuses not so much bright, but more breaded and deep-fried.

6) Crows, Ravens, Magpies, etc.: Whenever I have to eat crow, I always feel much smarter myself…and let me tell you, I can eat a LOT of crow.

7) Dogs: My wife recently enrolled me in a dog obedience school, so I’ll update you after a few lessons. Already I feel that my begging skills are sharpening considerably…

8) Cats: We used to have a pair of cats that were world-class gymnasts. That takes some brains, and on more than one occasion, they outwitted me while playing with a ball of yarn. There may be some truth to this ranking.

9) Elephants: This one surprised me. I know they’ve got good memories, but being so sluggish, I guess they must keep a lot of that brain power pent up for something. Imagine seeing a couple of those beasts working in IT positions for your computer problems! “Jumbo Solutions, please hold.”

10) Parrots: Parrots have occasionally frightened me a bit. I used to keep crackers handy, just in case I ever ran into one of those talking show-offs. If you can mimic humans, you’d have to be smarter than a pig?? So how did they end up at Number Ten?

There you have it – the apparent list of creatures ranked by superiority of intellect.Which makes me question my own, having decided to turn that list into a column.

But it could have been worse. I could have imagined the start of a joke – “a dolphin, a lab rat, and a goldfish walk into a bar…”

Chow for now!!