Why do some authors feel a need to use "pen names"?

Since hearing about this practice, I've had to go around my own office, and come up with some monikers for any and all of MY various pens.

I've now got a Bic ballpoint named Arthur. I've also got a Sanford Sharpie that's not all that sharp, so I'm going to call him Bob. No reason really...

I've got a really nice engraved Cross pen and pencil set I got as a going-away gift from my former colleagues in real estate. I'm calling the pen Itchy, and the pencil Scratchy. Again, no particular reason...

I have a blue Paper-Mate pen that makes me think of Ed, so that there's his name. I even have a Staples brand writing instrument, which I'm calling Hoo-Hah, just for fun.

Man, a lot of people make pens. I've got a Parker that I'm naming Peter, as a tribute to Spiderman. I've got a stack of personalized pens from hotels and resorts (affordable souvenirs), which I'm just going to call Whistler, Rhombus, Gaylord, and Super Eight.

I'm pretty sure we've got more pens in the kitchen drawer downstairs. I'll go find them, and continue this process throughout the day...

Chow for now!!

The Thursday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-I Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Bonnie Raitt
(or Why I Will Never Be A Professional Reviewer)

Last night my wife and I enjoyed yet another excellent live event here in town - the legendary Bonnie Raitt. She appeared as a fundraiser for The Pembina Institute (www.pembina.org), an organization dedicated to alternative energy solutions.

In the heart of oil country, that might be a little bit like inviting PETA to a pig roast, but the audience didn’t seem to mind, they even applauded a brief presentation just before Bonnie’s set.

And what a set!! Over the course of more than 90 minutes we heard hits, new material, and songs going back as far as the 70’s. Absolutely flawless, Raitt and her band were able to generate enthusiasm for the new songs, typically a rough go for most other artists.

This was our first concert inside the Jubilee Auditorium, and even though we were so far back we were sharing popcorn with a family of bats, the sound and sightlines were terrific. We had brought along a little pair of binoculars, and even from that distance, Ms. Raitt looked sensational. Hey, for 57-odd years old, Ashlee Simpson should hope she looks half as good by the time she turns thirty…

But I digress. In a nutshell, we loved the blend of blues, funk, New Orleans and roots she served up. Four encores (including a fabulous Thunderbirds cover, along with a John Prine song) didn’t hurt either.

Opening act Maia Sharp started with acoustic guitar, before switching to funky piano, and sax. She did a fine job as well, and joined Bonnie for several songs later on.

Two big thumbs up!! Go Bonnie go!!

Chow for now!

You might think that having three toilets in a home would be a virtual smorgasbord of choices for places to do your business. That is, as long as they all work…

We have one that re-flushes itself repeatedly once you’ve pulled the handle. We have one that requires you to hold down the handle and guess how long it will take to engage. And, we have another that works most of the time, but has been known to run continuously as soon as you get downstairs.

As toilets are probably one of the simplest household appliances (and in our joint – one of the most important aside from the refrigerator), my inability to resolve any of these ongoing malfunctions will likely hold me back from ever hosting a home improvement show. Unless I get to achieve the “before” scenarios for Holmes On Homes…

Chow for now!!

I think my left thumb is too light...

Whenever I have to type capital letters, I do what I'm supposed to do - I press down on the "shift" key with my left thumb. But there are rarely capital letters upon conclusion of that effort when I look up at the screen. So, my assessment is that my left thumb is either hollow, or is in need of some focused exercising.

I should get an x-ray to see if the bones in the thumb are all there, or determine if there just might simply be a jelly-like substance that at least keeps it from hanging limp.

If the bones are all there, then I need to make it sweat with some oldies, or perhaps do either "Tae" or "Bo". I don't particularly care to have to register the thumb with law enforcement agencies, I just need it to press more consistently...

Now, I'm just assuming here that I'm left-thumbed, much like I'm left-handed. Perhaps I could learn to use both thumbs, become amphibious as they say. There does appear to be a "shift" key on the right-hand side of the keyboard.

This is my dilemma of the day....

Chow for now!!

Week Four of National Squirrel Month!!

(Nothing official, just something I'm trying to get off the ground - tell your friends...)

Well, today marks my last posting on this exciting new proposed national holiday....support has been, in a word - overwhelming.

Ah, who am I kidding... National Squirrel Month is turning out to be as popular as National Bubonic Plague Day. I'd have an easier time selling pogo sticks to legless caterpillars...

It's probably my fault. I feel I really may have peaked back in Week Two with my tribute to celebrity squirrels. People love celebrities, and I should have held that blockbuster week back, in retrospect. Well, it's all a learning curve here at the National Squirrel Month Foundation. We'll test the waters again next year...

For anyone out there looking to close off the month in support of our cause, why not gather up a few acorns, and leave them at the bottom of a tree in your local park? Maybe drop off a couple of videos of Disney's beloved Chip 'N Dale, who although technically might be chipmunks, as far as stars go, they are the Vince Vaughn and Steve Carell of the squirrel world.

Chow for now!!

So, we've been in our new home for almost two months now. You'd think we might be pretty much set up by now.

NOT!!

There has yet to be a single room in this joint where we can hang a shingle that says "done". Some are close, but most are no cigar. Not even a cheap Cuban cigarette...

After our initial haste to unpack enough boxes to find my remote controls and a tube of toothpaste (hey, we needed to be presentable to the public and each other...and remotes are what separate us from apes) things have slowed down substantially. We still have no idea where half of our dishes are. There are literally dozens of stacks of unopened moving boxes in the basement, or as I like to refer to them: "surprise!!"

One problem is that most of the trinkets and furniture we owned for our past homes don't work in this one. This has activated a dormant shopping gene in my wife, and brought some of the brightest smiles I've ever seen to commissioned salespersons at the local malls. Until we return everything we bought the night before, because we have all the decorating skills of a color-blind crow...

At some point this place will feel like home. For now, it does a great job of keeping the winter outside, and at least I can change my channels from the comfort of my sectional recliner...

Chow for now!!

Well, my wife and I have officially lost what was left of our limited (and shared) marble supply...

Driving down the road yesterday to go do some shopping, we were blasting the brand-new Sarah McLachlan CD in the vehicle. The problem is...the disc is a new Christmas collection!! Not even Halloween, and we're spinning O Little Town Of Bethlehem!! Thankfully for us, the men with the white suits and butterfly nets must have been home watching a hockey game on TV.

It's all Jay Leno's fault, though. He had Sarah as a guest on his Tonight Show the other night, and I knew I needed to have this album as soon as she started to perform Joni Mitchell's River. I'm weak that way...

The disc is exceptional, if not a little too early in the season. It made us desperately want to go back home and start decorating, but we settled for grabbing a big bowl of popcorn, and watching Deal Or No Deal instead. We can be really flexible on these pressing urges...

So, there's my complimentary Saturday morning tip - buy the new Xmas cd from Sarah McLachlan. It's a keeper!!

Chow for now!

Hey….

I’ve got little bumps behind my ears!! Is this normal?? Does anybody else out there have a ridge of minute bumps towards the bottom of their ears?? Behind the things, I mean - not underneath them…

Now, as usual, I begin to panic. Have these bumps always been there, and I’ve just never noticed them?? Did they recently appear as a warning that I have inadvertently contracted malaria from touching a grape in the supermarket? Or am I growing scales after foolishly stopping to touch that iguana in Petland the other day?? Why me??????????

Of course, I am getting older. It could be that the flesh behind my ears needs more sun, and it is dappling due to a lack of exposure. Or maybe I’m developing that Elephant Man condition!! I can’t go out in public with a trunk!!!

Calm down, man… There has to be a logical reason for these bumps. If I’m lucky, I’ve just gotten an allergic reaction to vegetables, and I’ll have to forgo those deadly buggers at mealtime…

I’d better run, see if I can get a better look at these things with some mirrors.

Hopefully, back tomorrow…

Chow for now!!

Sidebar: Much as I’d love to post these blitherings first thing in the morning, the site itself often handcuffs me. Today it has been particularly useless trying to get on and post.

My humble apologies. Wattaya gonna do…

My reintroduction to winter continued yesterday, when I spotted a block heater extension cord in Canadian Tire. And why I'm having to get reintroduced to winter in the middle of freakin' October is just plain cruel...

Anyhow, for those of you fortunate enough to not know what the heck a block heater is, it is an internal device in your automobile's motor that when plugged in, allows the car to start easier in cold temperatures. I'm looking into a portable garage with a small furnace, to avoid any possible problems when the temperatures here plunge...

Thank God the mercury is rising. Yesterday and today are around +9, which is a far friendlier space on the Celsuis scale. Not as friendly as +20, but I'll settle for anything with a plus...

Chow for now!!

Monday and yesterday it was snowing here as if Mother Nature was getting paid by the snowflake. Not quite a blizzard, but for someone that for over a dozen years was used to one week of winter in January, it was more than just a little bit disconcerting.

And in celebration of said snowfall, motorists celebrated the early arrival of winter here with a 50-car pileup. Yessir, a 50-car pileup. If you're gonna do something, do it big...

The funny thing is, most of the white stuff was gone by late afternoon yesterday, which is fine by me. The only shovel I still own comes with a little plastic flourescent green pail, that I usually take to the beach every summer.

I'm told that this is a frequent occurence here, even later into winter. Chinooks will drift in, and warm up cold fronts. I'm not sure I like the idea of schools of salmon in charge of temperatures, and I am more than a little concerned about which end of their bodies do the huffing and puffing to affect the weather. Fish all by themselves don't exactly smell like Oscar de La Renta - how bad do they smell passing gas??

Chow for now!!

A few years back I wrote a column on the difficulty of opening a new DVD. They seal those things like they contain the guarded codes to a treasure trove of wealth beyond imagining. When you finally get them open and watch the stupid things, you wonder why you bought a movie version of The Dukes Of Hazzard in the first place...

Well, now the powers that be have started to utilize these packaging techniques for new compact discs. I bought one the other day, and trying to open it just about sent me over the edge, although in my case, that edge is never too far away.

What made it so bad was that is was a discount cd. A cd that no longer enjoys time at the prime locations by the cash register, but kind of vies for your attention as you walk by some dusty bins way in the back of the store.

After I bought it and headed back to my vehicle, I hoped to play it in the car. I used a key to assist with removing the shrink wrap.

But after the shrink wrap was gone, there was a seal of white tape along the top, with little lettering saying "PULL" along one side.

When you pull something marked "PULL", you expect that maybe, just maybe, it pulls. That is never the case. These cd/dvd protective tapes are designed to just have the word "PULL" come off by itself, leaving an adhesive that would be hard-pressed to release even underground in North Korea. And as a lifelong nail chewer, I am usually left to try prying off that blasted tape with a key that looks relatively thin, but is in fact quite chubby placed alongside a sealed cd.

Whoops!!

Gotta run. More later...

Chow for now!!

Week Three of my unrelenting attempt to establish National Squirrel Month!! Tell your friends!

(I fear though that I may have peaked in Week Two, with the celebrity squirrel feature....wattaya gonna do??? We must continue to move forward...)

After doing a Google search for squirrels today, I stumbled upon a cool squirrel wildlife rehab site. I felt a bond instantly, as I am undergoing rehab for this persistent blasted impinged nerve in my neck (literally, a pain in the neck...). Although I suspect these folks don't have little cots set up in triages for squirrels with similar complaints, I do imagine that they perform some sort of rehabilitative work, so as to allow the little critters to get back out there and forage freely for nuts. And maybe berries. I honestly don't know what squirrels really eat out there...

You have to check out the site just for the graphic logo, a squirrel dressed up as a nurse:

http://www.squirrel-rehab.org/

Seeing is believing...

Seeing as how that logo is probably copyright protected, I didn't feel comfortable with cutting and pasting it in to today's blog. You'll just have to hit the link...

So, my questions today (with this bizarre squirrel topic) would be:

1) Do squirrels have the same injury rate as humans do - such as the high percentage of accidents that happen in the home?? How dangerous can a hole in a tree really be??
2) Does this rehab center simply address orphaned squirrels, or do they occasionally deal with things like arthritis and diabetes? What is the sugar content of an acorn??
3) Are there little ambulances that the center dispatches for the squirrels, or do they just use a broom and a dustpan??
4) Are my friends at PETA going to go through the roof with that last query??
5) Does squirrel taste like chicken?
6) If PETA wasn't ticked off before, might they be now?
7) Do they allow squirrels to intern at the center?

There's probably more things I'd like to know, but for now, there's your third week of National Squirrel Month. Still nothing official, just something I'm trying to get off the ground.

Chow for now!!

I must have a deathwish...

Or at the very least, my spidey senses must be dulled by time and too much junk food.

I came home the other day to a message on our telephone's answering machine, which turned out to be from my wife. I continued on with a few things while the message was running in the background - putting away groceries, hanging up my coat, getting a drink of water...

...reading the paper, making lunch, painting a few chips on the hallway wall, mowing the lawn, building a scale model of the Paris Hotel & Casino (Las Vegas) with ucooked pastas that we had in the cupboard...

...hanging a picture, doing the weekly bookkeeping for a local home-based accountant business, having a mid-afternoon snack, painting my scale model of the Paris Hotel & Casino (Las Vegas) with various bits of makeup my wife keeps in the master ensuite...

I hit "stop" after all that, with the message still going on. And at that point, I pretty much forgot about the whole thing until later that night, while my wife and I were having dinner.

"Did you get my message?" she asked.

"Umm...yes" I replied. But my awkward and guilty look gave me away...

"I, uh, stopped it midway..."

".............." (there may be youngsters reading this)

In my defense, I must assume that I am simply a victim of Adult Male ADD.

And I also have absolutely NO poker face...

Chow for now!!

“The-Saturday-Morning-Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-It-Is-Anyway-Concert-Review – Hal Ketchum”
(or, "Why I Will Never Be A Professional Reviewer…")

Many, many years ago my wife and I were surfing the late-nite TV channels, and happened upon Austin City Limits, a terrific live music showcase program. There was a guy playing some songs there that caused us to pause and continue watching. By the time he performed “I Miss My Mary”, we were fans. The next day I went out and bought a copy of Hal Ketchum’s Past The Point Of Rescue, and got better acquainted with this country singer/songwriter/storyteller.

Last night we had the pleasure of taking in a live performance by Mr. Ketchum, and I’m realizing that already owning 3 of his albums just isn’t enough – I’m going to have to go shopping again...

Over the course of a mighty long set, and even longer encore, he displayed the charm and talent that has helped him sell loads of albums, and left you wanting even more. Mixing his big hits with what sounded like sure-fire future hits in his new material, the man and his band gave the crowd some value-added renditions of country, blues, and faith-based songs.

He brought the house down though with what he described as “the sickest song I’ve ever written”, about the abrupt termination of a one-night stand. You had to be there… This guy is the Harry Chapin of country music.

And by the way, the venue (Frank Sisson’s Silver Dollar) is a great place to see an artist up close and personal. There really isn’t a bad seat in the house. It reminds me of one of the places my wife and I used to go see live music, back when we were still courtin’.

(Courtin’?? Dear Lord, have I just let it slip out how old I really am???)

Anyway…fantastic show, catch him if he’s ever in your area!!

Chow for now!!

I don't know what it's like where you live, but around my town, I am beginning to discover an interesting similarity between big trucks (half-ton and higher) and dinosaurs. In recent years, light passenger trucks have bloated up to almost the same size as semi-trailer tractors, and that's not even touching on the biggest of them all - the Hummers. Let me explain how I came to my conclusion of that claim:

Dinosaurs were big and intimidating behemoths, once upon a time. Big trucks these days are bigger than your average soup can factory, and if approaching you from behind, can be very intimidating...

Dinosaurs came in many different colours, and so do big trucks.

Nobody ever told dinosaurs what they could or couldn't do while in motion, and apparently owners of big trucks feel the same way...

Despite their large size, dinosaurs had very small (often peanut-sized) brains in charge of their operation. Ditto, big trucks.

Dinosaurs (at least in film and TV portrayals) had bad temperaments. Big truck operators seem to become a blend of Yosemite Sam and Thelma & Louise after starting their vehicles...

But maybe that's just my perception...

Chow for now!!

Another afternoon start...ugh!!

Well, the site appeared to be down this morning when I tried to log on, so it's not entirely my fault this time...

Anyhow, we're up and running now, so on with the show:

Rod Stewart - "Still The Same" (Great Rock Classics Of Our Time)

I picked up this new cd a day or two ago, and I'm wondering if I need to file a complaint on the grounds of false advertising...

Oh. there's the odd "rock classic" or two on here, but there's also cover versions of pop hits by Bonnie Tyler (?) John Waite (??) and OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN (?????). In what alternate universe do these guys fit in as classic rockers?? What, he couldn't get the rights to cover any Donnie & Marie classics??

Granted, the Newton-John tune was written by Bob Dylan, but his is not the voice you hear whenever "If Not For You" is playing in your head. Not that it often plays in my head, mind you...

Overall, most of these songs are note-for-note reproductions of the originals, with Rod's vocals dropped in. Man, his back catalogue on its own has most of the "great rock classics of our time". Why not leave "Love Hurts" for the next American Idol soundtrack, and remix "Maggie May"?

Or at least bring something different to the table when you're covering "great rock classics of our time"...

Still, this is unlikely to offend the droves of fans that bought more of his American Songbook releases than Bayer pushes Aspirins in a year, so he should do OK. Maybe on the "Still The Same II" we'll get his classic rock versions of "Feelings" and "Mmm-Bop"...

Chow for now!!

As an adult male for some time now, I can only assume that I must have been distracted by something bright and shiny, the day that they handed out male attributes...

Take sports for example. Other guys will pencil their lives around sporting events, but unless playoffs are on, I could care less. Oh, I enjoy attending live events occasionally, like football and hockey, but unlike the rest of the male world, spending an entire weekend watching big-screen TV "matches" puts me to sleep faster than a Clay Aiken cd.

Now it turns out that I'm not even loyal to my "home team".

Born and raised in Winnipeg, I have always been a fan of the CFL's Blue Bombers, and the NHL's Winnipeg Jets. Once the Jets were sold off to Phoenix, I tried rooting for the Coyotes, but I suppose the wounds were just too fresh. Plus, they stunk.

After moving to British Columbia, I tried (really, I tried) rooting for the BC Lions, but I always stayed true deep in my heart to Winnipeg's Bombers. One of the hardest days of my life was attending a Bomber game in Winnipeg, where BC was mopping up the field with the home team.

Also while in BC I tried to embrace the Vancouver Canucks hockey team, but I was distracted briefly by a fling with The Anaheim Mighty Ducks, due to a lifelong infatuation with ducks. Don't ask...

However, they stunk. And, I still missed Winnipeg.

As a youngster, I was a huge fan of The Montreal Canadiens, but oh boy, have they been bad in recent years. No self-respecting hockey fan would be...wait a minute...I'm not a self-respecting hockey fan!!

Now, we live in Calgary. I'm liking those Stampeders on the football field, but I think I'll also keep an eye on those Blue Bombers. The Calgary Flames have a great track record, despite being a little sluggish out of the gate this season. That said, compared to Vancouver - they have a Stanley Cup.

And compared to Winnipeg, they have a team...

Chow for now!!

Yikes!!

Afternoon blog....

Well, spit happens, I suppose.

I had a full morning today, not the least of which was my physio. Happy to report that my arm is starting to act less and less like a drawbridge these days. I only have to raise it one or two times a day now, to relieve the pain. I'm a human toll booth!!

Also had to find some other places in downtown Calgary this morning, to take care of a few outstanding chores. I needed to find the main office of the parking authority, to pick up what they call a "Smart card" here, for the parking meters. At $3.00 per hour to park downtown, I don't think it's just the cards that are pretty smart...

And, I also had to find a place where I could view my traffic infranction photo. Yes, I regret to say that we somehow managed to get a traffic ticket - failing to stop at a red light. We won't do that again, even accidentally as we did this time. We could park downtown for a loooong time with the fine that comes along with that bad boy...

Finally, we are officially Albertans, as of this weekend. My wife and I finally managed to fulfill all the requirements for switching over our vehicle insurance (which includes being able to name fruits by their Latin origins, and also requires just a pinch of the eye of a newt. I think I can also transport three head of cattle at any given time), so we now have Alberta plates on both vehicles. Pretty overwhelming.

We'll pick up our cowboy hats this weekend...

Chow for now!!

Vindication at last, for my diet!!

If you happened to catch the news or read a newspaper these last few days, you'll no doubt be aware that vegetables have become the latest arsenic of the food chain. Tainted spinach, carrot juice, and now lettuce are all freshly-discovered health hazards, which gives me no cause for concern at all.

Oh, I've tried to add these sorts of things into my diet over the years, but they all take soooo long to eat. A Twinkie is gone in two bites, and a bag of potato chips melts in my mouth, not in my hands. Lettuce?? I don't even leave that in my Big Macs.....

So now I feel entirely justified, as I may be saving my own life by avoiding these previously allegedly healthy foods. I've yet to see a chocolate bar hit the news as a carrier of E. Coli, so tonight I will reach for an M & M, NOT a leaf. I'll leave the lettuce for the rabbits, while I get my calcium via a Milky Way bar...

Carrot juice?? Even if Pepsi made a version with caffeine-free cherry flavoring, I'd pass.

All along, health experts, doctors, and my mother have been trying to convince me of the benefits of vegetables, and now we find out that they're LETHAL!!! Pass me another pretzel, pal. Keep that celery stalk away from this guy!

Now if I could just figure out how to make a salad with peanuts, popcorn, and toffee...

Chow for now!!

Week Two of Squirrel Month!!

(Nothing official yet, just something I'm trying to get off the ground...tell your friends...)

This week I'll touch on some celebrity squirrels, mostly from the past. There doesn't seem to be too much demand for celebrity squirrels these days...go figure.

Over to the right hand side, I've lifted and pasted a picture of Rocky, famous pal of Bullwinkle The Moose. As far as squirrels go, Rocky has done pretty well for himself.

Growing up, I lived on a steady diet of these two cartoon characters. While Bullwinkle had star billing, and probably the most imitated voice ever by stand-up comics, Rocky was the brains of the operation. And, as a forerunner of political correctness, his headgear always reminded kids that when they flew, they shouldn't be shy about using safety gear. He was also a role model for buck teeth.

I'm not sure what Rocky is up to these days, but I'm sure the ongoing royalties from the show have kept him in a pretty good lifestyle. I'd guess he spends a lot of time golfing, which would keep him in wooded areas, and allow him to pick up the odd acorn or two along the way.

Another celebrity squirrel that comes to mind became famous on jars of peanut butter.

I would have bet money that a squirrel appeared on Jif Peanut Butter, but apparently it was Skippy. I have eaten virtually every conceivable brand of peanut butter over the years, so who made what never really mattered. But for Squirrel Month, let's credit Skippy with being our celebrity squirrel from the land of peanut butter...

Skippy still appears to this day on millions of jars of peanut butter, so he certainly didn't have as good an agent as Rocky. However, he looks pretty young, so maybe he can move up to other products when his current contract expires.

There you have it folks, two of the most famous squirrels you will likely run across. Next week, I'll hope to find something just as exciting for Week Three of Squirrel Month!!

Chow for now!!