Vindication at last, for my diet!!

If you happened to catch the news or read a newspaper these last few days, you'll no doubt be aware that vegetables have become the latest arsenic of the food chain. Tainted spinach, carrot juice, and now lettuce are all freshly-discovered health hazards, which gives me no cause for concern at all.

Oh, I've tried to add these sorts of things into my diet over the years, but they all take soooo long to eat. A Twinkie is gone in two bites, and a bag of potato chips melts in my mouth, not in my hands. Lettuce?? I don't even leave that in my Big Macs.....

So now I feel entirely justified, as I may be saving my own life by avoiding these previously allegedly healthy foods. I've yet to see a chocolate bar hit the news as a carrier of E. Coli, so tonight I will reach for an M & M, NOT a leaf. I'll leave the lettuce for the rabbits, while I get my calcium via a Milky Way bar...

Carrot juice?? Even if Pepsi made a version with caffeine-free cherry flavoring, I'd pass.

All along, health experts, doctors, and my mother have been trying to convince me of the benefits of vegetables, and now we find out that they're LETHAL!!! Pass me another pretzel, pal. Keep that celery stalk away from this guy!

Now if I could just figure out how to make a salad with peanuts, popcorn, and toffee...

Chow for now!!