Go, Canadiens!!

How much is one person supposed to endure?

First, the Anaheim Ducks, the defending Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks no less, were sent along early to the golf course. Last night, the hometown team was brutalized out of the playoffs as well. I must now fall back on my default team – the team I worshipped right from my youth.

Go, Montreal!!

Nothing like major-league sports to bring out loyalty in a fan…

During breaks in the hockey game last night, MTDG and I flipped over to CNN, to peek in on the Pennsylvania primary coverage. Talk about your epic battles, that there is shaping up to be a doozy. Despite being repeatedly checked into the boards, Clinton dusts herself off, and scores when it counts. This long and drawn out nomination process in the States sure makes Canadian politics seem even duller than they actually are, in real life.

Now that I have the morning to reflect over how we spent our evening last night, I’m kind of regretting postponing watching Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels, to stay with the hockey game. Oh well, it’ll perk up our evening tonight, as we recover from our disappointment over last night’s events.

At least it didn’t snow again, as it had been forecast…

Chow for now!

What to do? What to do to get your mind off of a fourth straight day of snow, in the third week of April??

Well, for one thing – think warm thoughts. My…my elbows are sooo warm…

(HOW WARM ARE THEY???)

My elbows are so warm, I could incubate eggs on…hey, wait just a cotton-pickin’ minute!!

I do have something to relate today, after all…

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were driving home from work, and approaching a familiar pedestrian overpass, that we underpass every day. Yesterday however, we noticed a bit of a commotion as we approached it.

As we drew closer, we could see some sort of character, dancing around. Once we were able to clearly make it out, it was…a dancing chicken!! Can you believe it? Some local radio station mascot, doing the chicken dance, to promote some service in the area of the overpass.

He was hilarious. His costume was pretty authentic, and with a house full of miscellaneous chickens here, we should know. His scrawny little chicken legs were flailing around, during his enthusiastic huckstering of whatever product or service it was – we were laughing too hard to read his sandwich board sign.

Just as we drove underneath him, he turned around, and mooned oncoming traffic.

Only in our world…

Game Seven tonight, GO FLAMES!!!

Go Flames!!!!

Ahem…

So, it would appear that we didn’t get the third straight day of snow (today) as previously forecast, at least not so far. And it can’t snow once the sun comes up, right? I think my shovel is officially off the hook.

I suppose the continued stay of winter here is somewhat appropriate, considering we are in the middle (or muddle in some instances) of the 2008 Stanley Cup playoffs. It always feels a bit more authentic watching grown men skate around on a sheet of ice, when you have three-foot snow banks outside your own front door. By the time the whole endeavour winds down in mid-August, you can lose your sense of reality over sporting games on sheets of ice – how can that be, you ask – when you’re sweating like a yak in flip-flops, a Speedo and muscle shirt??

And just while we’re on the topic of sweating yaks, if you are wearing a muscle shirt in really excessively hot temperatures, consider shaving, if you happen to be as bodily-hair blessed as Sasquatch. It can be extremely unbecoming to watch how human body hair reacts, when combined with heat and sweat. Blech….

That’s my tip for the day, folks!

Chow for now!!

Day Two, Snow-Swept Tundra…

As I gaze out my front window today, I simply view a vast sea of white. The driveway I shovelled yesterday is covered over once again. The roads are somewhat cleared, but blowing winds have undone what the road-clearers accomplishing overnight. In the third week of April, we have been buried under by Mother Nature’s sense of humour, or a terribly excessive case of dandruff. Bah, humbug…

In the distance, I’m pretty sure a couple of polar bears are chasing a seal that was foolish enough not to use the pedestrian crosswalk, a bit further away from their den. There is smoke rising from all the roofs of the other igloos in our neighbourhood, as furnaces have been turned on once again – today it is -20° C, with the wind-chill. A perfect temperature for setting ice cubes.

A navy icebreaker is trying to open up parts of the creek alongside a nearby golf course. Even with 3-foot drifts of snow, calls of “fore” can still be quite clearly heard. I can’t imagine any endeavour I would be that passionate about, to have to wear a ski suit just to participate.

And worst of all, we have a basement full of tulips, which we had hoped to plant in our yard this weekend. Now we’ll have to buy a goat, to feed them to.

Life – so fragile, and often so cruel…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

"Springtime In Alberta"

Charlie Chicken here, reportin’ live from the scene of my front stoop, where boatloads of snow has fallen overnight, and continues to crap up the roads. As you can see, the level is dangerously close to my pinfeathers…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

The long-term forecast indicates snow, followed my more snow, and then a bit more snow - over the next three days. Even Frosty the cluckin’ Snowman would be inclined ta say “Hold off there, Mother Nature – it’s April, for Pete’s sake!!”

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

By the hammer of Thor, my cluckin’ chicken legs are losin’ feelin’ My knees are like those old clacker toys from the '70’s – they keep bangin’ together, and if my teeth chattered any harder, I could hire myself out as an electric stapler!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Back to the news. There’s cluckin’ snow everywhere ya look. I’m pretty sure that my pinfeathers are collectin’ snow, the longer I stand out here and talk to YOU turkeys! This is for the birds!! I don’t make enough chicken scratch to stand out here in my birthday suit, and point out sumthin’ as obvious as snow everywhere the pluckin’ eye can see!! I’m a professional, for pity’s sake!! Why ain’t I interviewin’ Oprah???

I’m done with this @#*#@ !!!

Cluck for now!!!!!!

**********************************************************************************
Had a glass of milk last night before bed, and I’m pretty sure there were literally CHUNKS of Vitamin D, clearly visible to the naked eye. Aren’t the nutrients in stuff like milk usually somewhat hidden? Or were those solid matters something altogether different than nutrients?
**********************************************************************************
Bad evening on the ice for the Calgary Flames last night. They are now down a game in the playoffs, and need to win two in a row, to advance to the next level. Whose knees do I have to wallop with a collapsible baton??
*********************************************************************************
I see that famed children’s entertainers The Wiggles are coming to town, for a concert. Appropriately enough named, if I was a kid, that’s what I’d be doing if one of those weirdos ever came close to me – I’d be wiggling my carcass away as fast as possible…
*********************************************************************************
We were supposed to have a Dairy Queen Dilly Bar, once we returned home from the Brooks & Dunn/Alan Jackson concert the other night. But we never did. That makes me sad…
*********************************************************************************
I don’t know about the rest of the country, or where YOU live, but we are forecast to receive 3 straight days of snow, here in Calgary. Ah, springtime in Canada…
*********************************************************************************
Wow!

I got nothin’ to go with that – just felt like exclaiming something…

*********************************************************************************
Chow for now!

The Thursday Morning ``Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Brooks & Dunn, and Alan Jackson.

(an abbreviated version, due to time crunch this morning)

(Oh yeah, also knows as Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Yee-Haw, pardners! Last night the missus and I went country, with a couple of Nashville’s biggest touring acts. Acts that we have already seen perform live, even though it would have been 18 or so years before, for both of them…

The old Saddledome was bootin’ and scootin’ with those ole guitar-pluckin’ buckaroos Brooks & Dunn. These cowboys have more hits than Barry Bonds, and we heard a lot of those last night. We last saw these fellers when they had their first or second album out, so much has happened in the interim. They were on their game, and from our vantage point up in the rafters, the crowd on the arena floor was on their feet for the whole dang show. Two belt buckles up, for a mighty fine bit of entertainin’…

Then Mr. Cool himself strode out onto the stage, Mr. Alan Jackson. Last time we saw him, he had an inflatable rubber juke-box slowly spring to life, during his hot new hit of the time. Last night, when he performed the same song, a digital jukebox rotated on the three split screens, so what can you say – times change… Pretty darn cool, if you ask me.

Again, this guy has more hits than William Tell had holes in apples, so it was a challenge to hear every one that we had hoped to. But he did an admirable job squeezing in what he did over the course of his energized, peppy little set. He just has this “aw, shucks” personality that the crowd soaks up, charms the pants right off of them. We were too far away to see anyone pantless in the crowd, but you can bet your Bippy that there were many.

I could go on and on, but we’re rushing out the door extra early today, so let’s just say this would have put a smile on the sternest steer’s face.

Ride ‘em, cowboys!!

Chow for now!!

Does anyone else out there worry about what ingredients may be in a wrap, or soft taco? They always seem so secretive to me. All wrapped up, no way to see what’s going on in there…

At least with a hamburger or hot dog, you have a bit of a viewing window, to know what’s going on in between the buns. As a matter of fact, you can often CHOOSE what goes in between the buns. That sort of power gives me the confidence to confidently bite into a hamburger or hot dog, and know (as I believe I may have brought up in the past) that I will NOT chomp down on say, for example, a miniature Frisbee, or a stack of poker chips…

Wraps, or soft tacos however…well, that’s an entirely different playing field. Those things can (on occasion) be entirely delicious, but they can also hide things in their overall wrapiness, and closed ends – hide ingredients that WOULD give me grave cause for concern!

Maybe I worry too much…

Eh…

Chow for now!!

What a day, yesterday!!

First off, as you may be able to deduce from Cornelius’ photo, there’s a bit of premature spring fever in the air around here. Corny was anxious to cool off, as the temperatures hit about 20° C here on Sunday. We had to turn off the furnace, plus crack open some windows.

Well, come morning, it was pretty nippy in here. Even our remote control had crawled under a pillow on the couch overnight, in search or warmth and comfort. Windows were closed, and furnace fired back up. Songs were sung in jubilant joy for the invention of warmth.

However, later in the day – soaring temperatures once again required that we – you got it – turn off the furnace, and crack open some windows. The remote peeked out from its cozy little vantage point, but refused to leave the space it occupied underneath a couch pillow. Wuss…

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I had settled in for the evening, watching TV, while our recording machines where busily recording all the TV we couldn’t watch at one time. When the power went out on our entire block…

How fragile a world we live in, when Howie Mandel can suddenly vanish from your TV screen, and you’re left with a blackened abyss. An abyss without Deal Or No Deal. It sucks, let me be the first to tell you…

Anyhoo, we popped on the laptop, and read e-mails that had already been delivered, to pass the time. We went to bed when the power didn’t come back on by 11:00, but just as I was falling asleep, the power did indeed return to our outlets – TV on full blast; dishwasher completing the cycle interrupted; Charlie caught with a beakful of my cold beer, in the light of the open refrigerator door…

Once all those annoyances had been attended to, including the pilfering poultry, it was back to bed for this old cowboy.

Spring is in the air, though. I just may join Corny in that birdbath if the temperature climbs again today…

Chow for now!!

Running a bit behind today, as we have an unusually early departure time this morning.

In lieu of an actual posting, I am going to jot down a few of my favourite childhood jokes – still as clear today as they were almost a hundred years ago…

Joke # 1

What is Snow White’s brother’s name??

Egg White – get the yolk???

Get the “yolk”!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!

Joke # 1

It must be raining cats and dogs outside….

Why do you say that?

Because I just stepped in a poodle!!

Stepped in a “poodle”!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

Omigod, those just KILL me!!

Better run…

Chow for now!!

(GO FLAMES!!!!)

“Talkin’ ‘Bout Monkeys…”

Friday night, we went to see Dr. Jane Goodall, and her fascinating presentation: “Talkin’ ‘Bout Monkeys!”

It may actually have been “Gombe & Beyond”, but whatever she called it, over the course of about 90 minutes, we heard all about her life, and her career in Africa – learning about chimpanzees.

For example, did you know that humans have about 98% of their DNA in common with chimpanzees? Men have even more!

Dr. Goodall stood alone on the rather large stage, and spoke with charm, humour, and much passion about her life’s work – starting back in 1960, after growing up reading about Tarzan and (the other) Jane. Funny, I’ve been reading about Spiderman since I was a kid, and despite every effort I employ, I am still completely unable to swing from webs, or crawl vertically up the side of skyscrapers. And it’s not for a lack of trying, let me tell you…

Dr. Goodall covered the changes she has seen in 48 years of research, and unfortunately, none of it was very good. When she began her program, there were over 1 million chimpanzees in the wilds of Africa. Now, most of them work in low-paying fast food restaurant jobs.

No, no –just kidding. The bad news was that there are now less than 100,000 chimpanzees, left trying to survive in the wild. At this point, I should probably direct you to www.janegoodall.ca , for actual facts, because really, this probably isn’t the best place to come for actual facts and truth. But this is a serious topic, so please, visit that website, and you might view just a fragment of what we were treated to, Friday night…

Chow for now!!

Oooo Oooo Oooo….

Chicken Scratch

Alright, boys. It’s just one loss – we can get it back!!

GO FLAMES!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

That’s right, featherless fiends, it’s NHL playoff time, so ole Charlie’s got a repeat picture for this weekend – I ain’t posed for my official photographer yet. But hey, it’s better’n last week – Banjo Boy didn’t even run my column!! Bastard!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

So, the Flames/Sharks series is tied 1-1. But let’s just keep in mind – at the end of the day, a shark is just a big fish, and a Flame WILL burn their finny caboose. Batter up, Sharks – time to head into the deep fryer!!

Man, I get so cluckin’ excited, come playoff time. For one thing, I ain’t wore pants since the series started. I picked up more potato chips than a person should ever eat over the course of a decade. And, I’m sitting on a keg of beer, as I type this out!! Hockey Rocks!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

But try explainin’ that to the Piddleburger Doughhead here. He can’t figure out why they don’t try dribblin’ the puck. He thinks the defensemen are short stops.

I ain’t sayin’ he’s a bit on the slow side when to comes to hockey, but he thinks Wayne Gretzky was a Russian villain, in a Austin Powers movie. This boy is dense as a old-fashioned wooden hockey stick!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Better run, I need to pick up cheese and baloney, and I don’t wanna lose my spot on the La-Z-Boy…

Cluck for now!!

Today’s Music Review: Madonna, “The Immaculate Collection”

Every once in a while, a CD comes out from a new artist, and I have to marvel at how much the performer sounds like a music veteran. “The Immaculate Collection” is one of those CDs…

From lead track “Holiday”, down to the second-last song “Justify My Love” (the closing song ain’t so great), Ms. Madonna shows much promise as an artist – she could very well have a few hits on this album!

In particular, “Like A Virgin” is downright danceable, even though a bit risqué in the titling. I suppose as long as she doesn’t influence younger listeners, this song might prove to be popular, given time.

Also notable – “Like A Prayer”, somewhat the “other side of the coin” to the clearly sexually themed aforementioned virgy song. I can almost see her, dressed demurely, a role model for youngsters with this song.

Another track I quite enjoyed was entitled “Material Girl”, obviously a tribute to fabric, and maybe even the joy of cobbling together your own clothes. Has anyone ever seen a picture of this young lady? She seems to me to be a fresh-faced, innocent little warbler, aside from the smutty title of that song about some virgin…

Although, maybe there is a darker side to this newcomer. In “Papa Don’t Preach”, she’s pretty much invoking atheism, or at the very least, she seems uncomfortable with sermons.

Hmmm. I may have to re-listen to this disc. Now that I think about it a bit more, I’ll bet if I played it backwards, there could even be satanic messages hidden within the tracks!!!

Well, so much for my glowing endorsement. Even though many of these songs sound like they could do pretty well with a bit of radio airplay, or a video on TV, I’m not so sure I can endorse this woman, after sober second thought…

Today’s rating: 2 out of 5 stars…

Chow for now!!

NHL Hockey – The 2008 playoffs begin, with a RESOUNDING Calgary Flame victory over the San Jose Sharks last night, in Game One of their series. OK, 3-2 may not seem all that “resounding”, but it is in the win column, so take that, el Sharkos…

Viva Le Calgary Flames!!

Enjoy the sushi this round!!

Chow for now...

Now, I don’t want to worry Mrs. That Dan Guy, but if we could all keep this a bit on the downside for now, I’d sure appreciate it…

Last night, I thought I might relive part of my youth by bringing home one of those classic science projects for kids – an ant farm.

The problem is, I sort-of tripped, coming in over that stupid threshold from the garage, which I will admit I’ve been told to repair time and time again – but I need to purchase a hammer. Which I suspect I had better put onto our grocery list pronto…

Anyhoo…

Well, this stupid ant farm hits the floor, and all I hear is this ugly “breaking glass” sort-of sound – then there’s this massive sprint – a sea of tiny black marathoners that decides its Spring Break here in the Such Is Life household. NOT GOOD!!!

Luckily, we happen to keep one of those handy little mini, hand vacuums right there in the mud room, which I put into employment immediately. However, some of these sprinters must have been Kenyan, because they had a clear advantage on the rest of the runners. Gone in 60 seconds!!

So, until I spot these little beggars again, who are sure to start rooting around for food sometime soon, I need to make sure that MTDG has NO idea that we have some uninvited houseguests.

And until this does resolve itself, I had better hold off on picking up a new ant farm…

Chow for now!!

It is a bit funny, considering how many shows we see, that we had to miss out on the biggest musical event this year in Canada. The Junos, a Canadian version of The Grammies (on a lower scale, but we ALSO participate in the actual Grammies), were filmed live - right here in Calgary this year. And a former Calgarian (Feist) cleaned up, winning I think just about everything she was nominated for.

We had to pass, considering we were flying back in from Ohio (via Chicago) on the big day of the event, and didn’t want to encourage our typical luck when travelling, which is to have at least one flight get delayed or cancelled, and miss the show completely. We did record it, so nobody spill the beans, please!!

The Junos can be one of the best awards shows on TV, next to Broadway’s Tony Awards. I know – what a stretch, eh??

Oh Oh!!

I just said “eh”!!

The universal Canadian detector, which came up frequently last week, whenever fellow attendees noticed Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were from Canada.

“So, how was your flight, eh?”

“So, even Canadians have male pattern balding, eh?”

“Do you have a pet beaver, eh?”

If only we would have been with a couple from North Dakota, to divert some attention away from ourselves…

Where was I??

Oh yeah! The Junos – best show on TV, yada yada yada…

Well, for MY money, the Junos can often be the best dang thing on TV when they roll around, and this year, we could have been in the audience! Life can be so cruel!!

Oh well, we’ve got tickets to hear Dr. Jane Goodall talk about monkeys later this week, so hopefully that will solve the sting of our Juno wounds. And for the record, I don’t think the Junos have anything to do with “Juno”, the recent hit movie written by a Canadian, and starring a young Canadian. But spooky in the similarity department, eh???

Aw, crap….there I go again….

Wattaya gonna do???

Chow for now!!

A bit sluggish out of the gate this morning. Combination jet-lag, exhaustion, and maybe just a bit of a reaction to the A & W hamburger meals we picked up at the drive-thru, on the way home from the airport last night. Beef can be playful in a body with a weakened immune system...

I could also be sluggish this morning due to trying to clear up the hard drive of our PVR, filled to the gills with all the TV shows we recorded while away this past week. I didn’t realize we watched as much TV as we apparently do, or maybe this was just a one-time programming quirk – each and every program we watch over the course of a month happened to be on in the six days we were away??

I’ll summarize this Bombeck conference once I regain full mental capacity (careful…I DO read the comments posted here…), but for now, a cup of coffee is beginning to sound like practical medical advice.

What I can say is that even though we had talked about skipping a year of this event (which only runs every second year ANYWAY), once you get back from something that was as exceptional and rewarding as this workshop was, you already begin planning your next trip out…just to see how they can top what they pulled off this time around.

I just may need to get a pacemaker installed, before the 2010 instalment…

Chow for now!!

GO FLAMES!!!!!

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop

Day Three

This event passes so goddam quickly. Hard to believe last night was the final evening of the 2008 conference, but man, was it memorable.

We had exceptional sessions throughout the day, including a speaker over lunchtime that had been a staff writer for Phyllis Diller, and Bob Hope, among her many, many other humor-writing credits. She was a complete hoot and a holler.

The big surprise of “The Weekend We Came To Dayton To Hear Garrison Keillor” was Mike Peters (pictured above – not sure why I happen to appear as if I’m attempting to smuggle out a table setting in my derriere..), political cartoonist, Pulitzer Prize winner, and creator of the long-running Mother Goose & Grimm comic strip. He literally destroyed the ballroom last night with his manic presentation, and endless wealth of hilarious recollections of his life. I told him he was the funniest person we had EVER seen, and we’ve seen some of the biggest and best.

Genuinely nice guy.

What can I say? Now, we sit in our hotel room, waiting for our Room Service breakfast, before we then get ready, pack, and head on home. Hearts heavy with the news that screen legend Charlton Heston has just passed away. Like we weren’t depressed enough already…

Ugh…

Chow for now!!

Erma Bombeck Writers' Workshop

Day Two

Last night’s keynote presentation duties were filled by a couple of young film-makers – Matt Sloan & Aaron Yonda. They created the internet sensation Chad Vader video series, spoofing Star Wars. Pretty funny stuff. They outlined what they did to get successful enough to leave their day jobs, and also shared just how…umm…dedicated internet fans can be. Far more than print fans, apparently…and even less shy about expressing their opinions.

Yesterday was also the first full day of writing courses. I had to choose from a full slate of offerings, each and every one looking as good as the other. Well, some were dressed a little better than the others, but all in all, hard choices to choose from. If you know what I mean…

Today, another full day of writing courses, and even more top-notch speakers. This is always a crazy weekend. But for now, I had better hop into that shower…

Chow for now!!

Erma Bombeck Writers’ Workshop- Day One

Thursday night is always the gala Workshop launch here in Dayton, typically starring the big-name keynote speaker. Last night featured the keynote speaker that helped sell out the entire workshop in less than 100 hours this year – Garrison Keillor.

There’s no way to downplay how much I was looking forward to hearing the creator of countless Lake Wobegon stories, and A Prairie Home Companion. Much like everyone else in attendance last night, his easy-going presentation was perhaps the primary reason for attending this year’s event.

And what a presentation! Part tribute to Erma Bombeck, part master class in humor writing, Keillor had the crowd roaring with scripted and ad-libbed reflections on what makes writing funny. I’m hoping his speech is included in the MP3 set I’ll be ordering today, otherwise I’ll have to rely on notes scribbled hastily, while laughing my backside off – not tremendously legible.

An added perk was an interview he did at the very end of the show with two of Erma’s adult children, if that makes any sense at all. He opened the floor to questions, and we all had a rare opportunity to find out what it was like, growing up as fodder for one of America’s most enduring humorists. Pretty cool, for lack of some description more eloquent…

Better run. The official courses start this morning, and I need to catch one of the shuttles over to the University of Dayton.

More to come!

Chow for now!

Oh yeah – I forgot to mention yesterday that when we finally arrived at the hotel, and were checked in, the room assigned for us was 111. How freaky is that?? I truly have no idea why these sorts of numerical combinations continue to appear for us (if there is even any reason at all), but anything that involves 111 or 1111 or 1234 always makes us feel like there’s some sort of meaning.

At any rate, yesterday was our one free day, before the conference launches. We hopped a cab out to the mall, heading out to where Mrs. That Dan Guy had been receiving transmissions from a shoe store there, before we even landed yesterday. Maybe that was the significance of those numbers – I think she wanted to purchase 11 pairs of shoes, in 1 visit!! Egads…

The trip was successful. Shoes were indeed acquired, and I bought a stick of gum for myself, a memento of this fine little city. Having chewed it yesterday after dinner, I may have to find something else today to remember this trip…

We watched a movie in our room after we had gone for dinner and drinks (we are TOTALLY wild and crazy…), but when MTDG went out for some “fresh air” later, we ran into a fellow Canuck – one of the faculty members for the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers’ Workshop. Gordon Kirkland, who invited us back into the local watering hole, for one quick drink before last call.

He had us both laughing our fool heads off, with stories and anecdotes from his career, and everyday life. We had a blast.

And, while we were there, two members of the Bombeck family stopped by to say hello to him – so we actually had a multiple Bombeck experience at the Bombeck conference – way too cool!! 111?? I think so…

Registration is later this afternoon, and the big kick-off dinner and major keynote speaker begins this evening. More to come!!

Chow for now!

Greetings, from the sprawling metropolis of Dayton, Ohio. That’s right, we’re on the road!

We have rolled into Dayton in advance of the Erma Bombeck Humor Writers’s Workshop, which actually runs this weekend. But having missed several portions of other conferences in the past due to flight problems, we now opt to arrive well in advance.

And, we almost had a little April Fools’ Day joke played on us, but it wouldn’t have been so funny.

Yesterday, we decided to do an early web check-in for our flight, then head off to the airport. Once we arrived, we decided to grab a little lunch before boarding. Well, we got to the ticket counter, and the twit…ummm…service rep from the airline said that we were late, and the flight was closed. NO amount of begging and pleading was about to change her mind, even though we showed on the computer as having already checked in.

She did suggest trying another airline, and that was when we met a customer service champion, who not only got us onto a flight leaving in less than two hours from the one we were supposed to be on, but also made the purchase price disappear, swapping out our old tickets. We got really lucky…

So, long story short, we landed in Dayton just around 11:30 PM last night, but here nonetheless. Happy campers!

So, today we plan to get out and do some sight-seeing, such as it is in Dayton Ohio.

Chow for now!!

Today, we are officially suspending “Things-I-Wouldn’t-Put-In-A-Hamburger Week”, here at Such Is Life, due to overwhelming item choices, and reader feedback. While it was fun to determine the many products I would NOT insert into a hamburger, ultimately the choices were surprisingly numerous.

So, we move on. Everyday is a learning curve in the Such Is Life household, and one never knows (especially Mrs. That Dan Guy!) what is around the corner, on any given morning when it comes to these blog postings.

With that in mind, I am pleased to announce “Things-I-Wouldn’t-Put-In-A-Hot-Dog Week”!!

Ha Ha!!

Just kidding!

THAT would be crazy… I’ve got so many other pressing concerns – such as ensuring my mongoose importation documents are in order, rattlesnake patrols around the general property boundaries, monitoring my Chicken Cams to stay on top of poultry proceedings around this place – why, I’ve almost got a full time job just in everyday household maintenance!!

Although, I can say with relative certainty that I would probably NOT want to include peanut butter on my hot dogs…

Chow for now!!

Something else I would probably tend not to include in a homemade hamburger? Blue Cheese. Who the heck ever thought that blue cheese might be something to try tasting? Ewww!!

I can’t even stand the salad dressing version if I’m walking by it at a salad bar…

OK, that was artistic licence back there. While I can confirm that blue cheese salad dressing in fact exists, I can’t really say the same thing about a salad bar – although I have read about them…

I guess if I thought really hard about it, I probably wouldn’t be too interested in adding cocoa to a hamburger. I like cocoa, but I would probably restrict that delight to a cup accompanied by boiling water. I guess you could dunk a hamburger into a cup of cocoa…

Some other random items (in no particular order) which I would not care to include in a hamburger:

Pancakes

Potatoes

Canned Ham

Ostrich Knuckles

A copy of “Huckleberry Finn”

Shingling Tar

Shingles

Kraft Dinner

Oatmeal

Again, this is hardly a definitive collection of ingredients, but should you ever decide to invite us over for a barbeque, kindly have this list in your possession for reference.

Chow for now!!

I enjoy my hamburgers. I’d even go so far as to say that hamburgers just might be the very best meal in the whole wide world.

However, there are ingredients I just can’t see adding into the average hamburger sandwich. For example – peanut butter. I also love my peanut butter. But I don’t think I’d ever want a bacon double peanut butter cheeseburger. Blech…

Also something I’d probably not choose to insert into a cheeseburger: popcorn. Maybe on the side would be fine, but definitely not between the buns.

It would probably be a healthy addition to a burger, but I think I would choose not to push sour little crab apples into my Big Mac…

Hmmm. I really thought there would be a lot more food choices I would not be comfortable adding into a hamburger, but now I seem to be drawing blanks.

Any thoughts???

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

aaawk…

Hey, keep it down on those keyboard keys – I got me a doozy of a brain banger this mornin’…

Man, ya check out one innocent little All-You-Can-Drink Margaritas night at the local TGIF, and suddenly ya find yerself serenadin’ the cleanin’ staff at Wally’s All-Nite Bowl-O-Rama… I may have made a bit of a fool a myself…

aaaawk…

Is it just me, or does everybody’s temples in here beat like a bass drum in a marchin’ band?? One a my ears seems to be missin’…

I think this pretty much wipes out my dry streak – I had been watchin’ my booze consumption for the marathon I’ve entered this spring, but there’s a pretty good chance I made up for lost time last night. I thought I had just one or two, but it feels this mornin’ like it coulda bin more like three…

aaaawk…

I do have a dim memory of some tough-talkin’ mallard suggestin’ he could put back more Margaritas than any chicken in the house, but that’s about the last thing I remember. I don’t even recall seein’ him again – no…wait a minute - I do remember now. Last I saw, he was waddlin’ along through the kitchen, and one a the cooks invited him in for a look at the pate preparation area. Hope he doesn’t “spread” himself too thin!

Ooooh…bad joke and poundin’ head makes for one unhappy chicken. I gotta hit the bricks. Or my coop…

Cluck for now!!!

We really need to start digging a little deeper – tossing a few bucks towards the resident poultry population here just ain’t cuttin’ it in the housework department…

As you can easily determine from recent hidden camera footage, this was the end result of our asking Cornelius to help out by doing a load of laundry. Honest to Pete, we didn’t ever consider for a minute that this hair-brained chicken had never used a washing machine before! He thought it was a carnival ride! As if he wasn’t “spinny” enough already…

At any rate, without going into great detail about the REST of the disaster, all I want to mention before I drop the subject completely is that soap added to clothes in the DRYER cycle is one uncomfortable surprise when you’re rushing to get dressed for work in the morning…

Sometimes I have to wonder just who rules the roost around this place…

Chow for now…

We’re back!!

Ok, well at least one of us appears to be back in a full-ish sort of reasonable health. Mrs. That Dan Guy had to stay home again today, but she's almost out of the woods, with respect to her flu bug. Why she was out in the woods with a flu bug instead of a wood tick, or caterpillar is anybody’s guess – we have always been odd that way…

So, the back story to our struggles with this recent bout of illness can now be told (and we thank the paparazzi for respecting our privacy during this difficult time). It just so happened to coincide with another rush trip to Winnipeg, this time for a combination 50th Anniversary (that’s the Golden one…), and 75th birthday celebrations for my parents. Unlike modern-day couples with age differences in the 5-to-35 year range, my parents were typical of their generation – they were the same age – and, as a matter of fact, celebrate their birthdays in the same month! How’s that for keepin’ it simple?

At any rate, we were no longer than just freshly arrived in town, when a flu bug was handed off to us – we thought it looked a little cute, and took it along quite willingly. Our mistake.

By Day Two of our visit, I awoke to some mild nausea, sitting beside the bed. That sentence can be read any number of ways, and still remain a fairly accurate account of the occurrence.

I’ll spare you all the gory details of cookies and their tossing, but for the big formal dinner at a fancy Winnipeg restaurant, let’s just say I was far quicker on my feet than the entrees had been, prior to seasoning and serving. MTDG became symptomatic a day or two later.

Whoa! Better run!! I’ve gotta be somewhere this morning…

Chow for now!

There is some small bit of humour in the two of us being home sick. We both rarely ever take ill, so we are absolutely miserable when it does happen. We definitely do not handle convalescence time well - we'd rather be going toe-to-toe with our typical everyday life.

However, shtick happens, and life (as it often does in THIS joint) steers your boat off course. So, now the two of us are stuck home, about as healthy as a jug of milk left out on the kitchen counter for a month in the summer.

Clawing our way back ever so slowly, for today:

Chow for now!!

Starting to feel a bit better, but this bug I picked up has still got a wee bit of a grip on me. For a small bug, he's got large hands...

And now, as of early this morning, it would appear that I have inadvertantly chosen to SHARE this bug, much to Mrs. That Dan Guy's delight. She awoke today with similar symptoms, and a look of pure evil in her eyes...I may not live to see noon!

All things must pass (especially with this flu bug), so within the next day or so, we'll both be back up to speed. Without a need for speed, when it comes to washroom sprinting...

Chow for now!!

It's gonna be a short one today. Picked up some kind of bug over the weekend, and still not back up to full speed.

I'm hot and bothered. My throat is as dry as a furnace room in an ocean liner. I've yakked, and had many mad dashes to the throne room. In short (and not entirely unrelated), I've been feeling like crap.

Blech!!!

However, life goes on. This too shall pass. As will anything I eat over the next 24 hours, if the last 24 are any indication...

Chow for now!!

And so it is now officially Easter Day. Truth be told, I’m not exactly 411 with what an “Easter” might be.

I could understand “Yeaster”, which might relate to bread, or some other sort of baking. I’d imagine a person could earn themselves a degree in Advanced Yeasting, or Yeastery…

Buffets might lend themselves to a “Feastery” this weekend. “All You Can Feaster, for Easter, just $18.99!”

You could be a vegetable farmer, if you were a “Peaster”. Although I think you’d also have to dabble as a “Cornster” and maybe even a “Carroter” to really make some big bucks…

“Keaster” is what a person might fall onto, if they slipped on some ice, or a banana peel. Those damn banana peels…always tripping people up!

“Measter”. Hola! I am “Measter” That Dan Guy, and this is my wife, Measus That Dan Guy…

I fear this is doing nothing in increase my knowledge of what exactly an “Easter” is. I think I’d better hop on The Google, and get my smarts tuned up…

Chow for now!!

Happy “Heaster”!?

Chicken Scratch

Easter? Eggs??? They ain’t BUNNY eggs, you heathen human beans!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Well, good mornin’ anyways.

So, ole Charlie is knucklin’ down, gettin’ ready to do his taxes. Man, who knew numbers could make a noggin hurt so bad??? These tax turkeys must get paid by the form!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Every year around this time, I have ta get creative – find ways to explain how I spend or obtain my chicken scratch. Not like it’s anybody’s business! A chicken has a right ta sum fundamental privacy, if ya asks me…

Buk-Buk-Buk….

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, here’s the plan for this year – I’m livin’ off a charitable income trust, funded by interest payments from the orphanage I run. Who’d take money from a guy that runs an orphanage? Ha Ha Ha!!!!!

If they don’t like that, they can batter my backside, and kiss….

Sorry. This really gets my giblets. The cluckin’ government always has their hands out, but what do I get in return? I don’t get no subsidy to offset the cost of my claw-softener lotion, or the loads of anti-histamines I have to take every day, to clear off the runny parts on my beak. It all adds up, for cluck’s sake.

AAAAWK!!!!

Better wrap it up early this week. My numbers ain’t balancin’. I think I may need to find someone to act as my ailin’ aunt, to get a bit more tax breakage….

Cluck for now!!

HEY!! By switching to Firefox as a web browser, I was finally able to post a picture for Charlie's last posting on Saturday. AND, my posting is way easier. Go figure...

Now if I could only install a Mac onto this inept piece of MS Turtle Turd, I'd be laughing....

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Happy Good Friday, to those of you out there that celebrate this special day!

I wonder if anyone in a position of influence has ever considered trying to launch
"Thank God It's Good Friday", which to my mind seems like a perfect fit. Imagine how successful a restaurant chain with THAT name might be!

Although, TGIGF is a bit more cumbersome...

You know, with the weeks dragging along throughout the year, maybe we need a TGIW, for those middle-of-the-week hump days. But if you partied too hard on TGIW, you wouldn't be thinking TGIT, come Thursday morning. You may not even return to consciousness before TGIF.

Maybe we should leave well enough alone...

Chow for now!!

I’m nervous. Truly frightened…

I have just read that Microsoft Vista has some sort of new update or patch or skull and crossbones – something that is alleged to be “repairing” or “improving” the software. I see a small icon on my taskbar that indicates the dreaded “New Updates Are Ready To Download”. I don’t think I’m ready to see my life flash before my eyes…

However, now that these “updates” are loaded onto my computer, I suppose I have no choice BUT to allow them to “repair”, or “improve” my computer’s operation.

Of course, I thought I was “improving” my life by upgrading to Vista in the first place…

See you tomorrow. Or not?????

Chow for now!!

March 19th already!!!

Where the hell does the time go?????

One day you’re just adjusting every blasted clock in the house for some wacko annual Daylight Savings Time ritual, then you find you’ve lost TWO weeks of daylight AND night-time!

Sheesh…hard out here for a crimp…

I had big plans for mid-March, let me tell you – big plans!!

I had wanted to:

a) Row row row my boat. Gently down a stream.
b) I was going to repair Mrs. That Dan Guy’s shower curtain, which she apparently uses for chin-ups, whilst showering…
c) I had every intention of stopping to smell the roses. They just seem to be unavailable at this time of year, under the snow and such.
d) I was going to run with scissors. No, wait! I did do that yesterday…
e) Even though I’m pretty much 30 years behind, I was going to try and teach the world to sing, imperfect harmony. Ha! That was a complete typo (imperfect), but it’s probably way more appropriate to MY singing lessons…
f) I still need to help bring sexy back….

And there’s so much more! Slow down, Father Time!!!

Chow for now!!

The Tuesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Martina McBride.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

Man, it seems like it’s been soooooooo long since I’ve had the chance to do one of these. Our social calendar clearly needs some massaging…

Anyhow, last night we addled into The Saddledome to catch someone we’ve wanted to see for a long, long time – and finally had the tickets in our hot little hands (my hands are somewhat hairier than Mrs. That Dan Guy’s…).

The show opened with someone I don’t think we could ever get tired of seeing – Canadian Scottish country rocker Johnny Reid, for whom we have an uncomfortably strong affection – as a performer. He ended up blowing away the middle act with his well-chosen set from his ample library of killer recordings (I confessed, didn’t I? We have an uncomfortably strong affection for his recordings…).

He ended his opening set to a resounding, solid standing ovation, and after a short break, current Nashville hit-makers Little Big Town lit up the stage. Little Big Town is sort-of like a countrified Abba. Actually, they’re very much like a countrified Abba, without the pop hooks. Although Fleetwood Mac might have been another worthy comparison, after they launched into a delightful cover of “Go Your Own Way”, towards the end of their set. As good as they were, they never lit the crowd the same way Johnny Reid did. One can only hope that they shuffle the line-up for the rest of the Canadian tour dates, not that that matters to us – we’ve already seen the show. Just sayin’…

After a short intermission, Martina herself arose from below the stage, and ripped the roof off with her most recent hit, which I also have to admit is pretty ballsy – like, why wouldn’t you save that for later?? But it worked – the crowd went nuts.

If you’re not familiar with Martina McBride, she has a string of hit singles, and she can be best described as a petite powerhouse, with the vocal punch of a Himalayan avalanche. She’s got pipes. And we heard all of those singles, plus many more showcases for her powerful range. Our McBride dreams have now come true…

A stellar evening of entertainment – and we did pretty good at the casino before the show as well. God Bless This Crazy, Wonderful World!!

Chow for now!!

Happy Anniversary!

(Oh, and Happy St. Patrick’s Day to anyone sober enough to know that…)

Today is the 2nd anniversary of this wacky blog. Two full years of committing nonsense and stuff to cyberspace, where Italian spies in very high places peruse each posting on a regular basis – to determine secret messages I may be inserting.

And what a ride it has been! What started out as an irregular daily mental meandering has sharpened over the many months into complete and absolute mental meanderings. Along the way I’ve inherited several rubber chickens, a banjo, and ensured that future generations will come to wonder why I was ever allowed near a keyboard.

As I sit here this morning, sipping on my coffee, I can’t help but wonder why I can’t feel my left butt cheek. But that’s OK – I’ve got a spare.

I hate to cut this big moment short, but we’re leaving early today, and I need to get some chores done before we depart. Green beer doesn’t just mix itself…

743 blogs so far, and hopefully many more to come.

Chow for now!!

No Country For Old Movie-Goers…

So, on a whim last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I decided to take in a movie, to replace the postponed Lenny Kravitz concert we had cleared our evening for.

We had wanted to see The Bucket List, the buddy comedy with Jack Nicholson, and Morgan Freeman. The Bucket List however didn’t give a flying leap about OUR preference, having long ago departed the mainstream movie theatre chains.

So, after gazing at a selection of people and movies we had never heard of before, and my losing a short game of Rock Paper Scissors, we opted for the heavily Academy Award awarded “No Country For Old Men”, for which Tommy Lee Jones had been nominated for Best Actor, and Javier Bardem WON, for Best Supporting Actor.

Why do I get the feeling you already know where this is heading????

Anyhoo, we settled into our seats, and readied our popcorn for the dimming of the lights.

Show time!!

The movie started out enjoyable enough, with James Brolin’s son setting up the story’s narrative – stumbling into the aftermath of a drug deal gone wrong. Man, he looks more and more like his dad every time I see him…

At any rate, without spoiling the rest of the movie, what happens after the opening scene drives the rest of the movie, and ultimately introduces viewers to Arlo. Or Ergo. Maybe it was Anton – Bardem’s homicidal maniac hit-man enforcer character. Who by the way really should have won for Best Actor. Tommy Lee Jones was like some kind of slow-talking afterthought. But that’s just one man’s opinion, even though he was in a very minute part of the film – Best Actor?? HA!

But again, I have digressed. The (completely ripped-off for Best Actor) Bardem character spends the next 90 minutes or so grim-faced, and whackin’ everyone in sight. He is a delight. Hey, I just wrote a poem, I think so!!

At any rate, all this build-up ultimately leads to the most disappointing ending I’ve ever seen, and we’ve seen a lot. The whole theatre seemed to feel the same way, once the credits started to roll. A collective groan permeated the theatre, like fog on an early morning London street corner. Like freckles on Raggedy Ann.

Our final conclusion – probably about one thumb half up. Javier Bardem is enjoyable, and the movie starts out well enough, but maybe they should have brought Will Ferrell in about halfway through, to lighten the atmosphere. Then you wouldn’t have cared so much when the ending sucked The Big Potato…

Chow for now!!

6:30 AM Monday, still can't load a friggin' picture...

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As of 10:00 AM Sunday, still no luck loading a photo...

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NOTE: Due to what I suspect (but can't prove) is yet another frustrating episode in the ongoing conflicts between MICROSOFT and Blogger, no picture is loading today. Check back - these things eventually clear up

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Chicken Scratch

Fascinatin’…

Get out! I didn’t know that…

Well, hello my big hairy friends! Just catchin’ up on my readin’, with my stereo blastin’ out some classic guitar pluckin’.

I’m gonna be a psychic!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Found this ESP book at the local library, and now I’m gonna expand my mind (which frankly is already bigger than most in THIS household…HA HA HA HA HA!!!).

If I can enhance my latent psychic powers, I will rule the roost! Rule the world!!

I’LL RULE THE GALAXY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’. Charlie, not everybody can harness the lightning. Not every ole chicken can rope the wind. Well, Ole Charlie is here to tell ya, if Jennifer Love Hewitt can whisper to ghosts, then this chicken can pick the winner for the fourth race at Belmont!!

Hey, I won’t be greedy! I’ll only use my psychic powers in random intervals, so as not to alert the authorities to my wiles. One little lottery here and there, a few sports bets from time to time – just enough to lift my standard of livin’. I’m barely scratchin’ out a livin’ here….

I wanna claw my way to a joint of my own – where I don’t have to walk into a bathroom that Banjo Boy has just vacated. Ewww!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, my fine humany friends, the next time you read this column, I should be well on my way to playin’ Tiddlywinks wit Donald Trump. Advising Elizabeth Taylor on new perfume smells.

I’ll be getting’ my chicken-pimply self a chimp!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Later, losers!

Cluck for now!

With plans to adopt a platypus or mongoose essentially stalled, I am now investigating alternative pet options.

Having recently seen a coyote by the side of the road, they look an awful lot like a dog – so they would be one consideration. That would help control the roadrunner population around here as well.

I suppose I could live with a bird, dull as they are, if it were an eagle or a hawk. I’d even be OK with a Peregrine falcon. A man could play “fetch” with an eagle or a hawk, if you happened to be throwing small rodents. An owl is out of the question – all that damn “who-ing”…I’ll tell you who – the chef who is about to prepare owl soufflé!!

Also out of the question – rattlesnakes, which is why I wanted a mongoose in the first place. Honestly, I still have yet to confirm that rattlesnakes are even indigenous to our area, but one can never be too careful where it concerns rattlesnakes.

Chow for now!!

Fables Revisited: The Turtle & The Hare…

Once upon a time, there was a slow, slow turtle, and a dashing, speedy hare.

The slow, slow turtle would amble sluggishly along, all the doo-dah day. The hare would rocket about like a pinball…thingy – pinging hither and thither.

Often, their paths would cross, as the turtle would be heading (ever so slowly) to the supermarket to do his grocery shopping, and like a comet in the night – the hare would rocket by.

One day, a bookie decided it might be fun to try running some numbers, pitting the turtle and the hare against each other, in a foot race. Or paw race, I suppose…

Odds were laid, and both the turtle and the hare were convinced to participate. Hey, getting part of the gate money adds up…

The hare, feeling perhaps somewhat over-confident in his obvious speed advantage, decided to pack a cooler of carrots, and run barefoot. The turtle, slow and steady, wore sneakers, and a Nike baseball cap (details were unavailable at press time confirming sponsorship).

The starting gun was fired, killing just a single pigeon who happened to be hovering too close to the starting line. The racers were off!

The hare bounded down the road, until he disappeared off into the distant horizon. The turtle moved almost two and a half feet in the same time.

After some passage of time, the turtle passed the hare, napping by a tree, on the side of the road. His confidence was further crushed by this brazen display of arrogance by the rabbit.

The hare opened one eye, and sneered at the turtle – laughing at the painfully slow progress of the shelly dude.

Just as the turtle was about to burst into tears, a coyote popped his head out from behind the tree the hare was resting against, and gobbled up the hare in two quick snaps of his raggedy jaws.

The turtle continued along the road, until he crossed the finish line, becoming an instant celebrity in the process. Currently, he has been seen keeping close company with Paris Hilton, and plans to release a fitness video.

The moral of the story – Nature is a cruel mistress….

Chow for now!!

Heh Heh Heh….

Always just a shade nervous whenever Windows decides it needs to “automatically update” my computer. Usually this happens whenever it’s been working relatively well for a few consecutive days…

This morning, while trying to get an early start on my blog, Windows indeed indicated that it had an “update” to “improve” the operation and security of my computer. I’m not sure why Windows gets up so goddam early in the morning, just to snoop inside my computer’s hard drive, but after losing data and sanity after past updates, I always grit my teeth just a bit, before I agree to allow these “improvements”.

Well, as it happens, the downloading was uneventful, and thus far, I still seem able to word process, and access The Google. All of my teeny icons are still wherever they usually appear on the screen. And, my screen for that matter appears happy and well-nourished.

Is it possible that Windows has accidentally downloaded an effective update? An update that ultimately WILL improve my computer’s operation and security??

Time will tell…

Chow for now!!

Ripped off!!

Our hopes and dreams are totally dashed!!

Woe is us!!

After waiting for weeks, I read in the newspaper this morning that the Lenny Kravitz concert we were supposed to see this weekend has been POSTPONED! POSTPONED!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Apparently he’s fallen ill, on OUR leg of his tour. "Are you gonna go my way?" Not right now!!

Damn rock n rollers… Couldn’t be bothered to consume a cup of Echinacea for his own health benefit, and now WE have to suffer for it!

OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

AND the new show is supposedly pushed off until NOVEMBER!! NOVEMBER!!!!!

Feh!

Ripped off!!!!


Chow for now…

Ah, my beloved Microsoft Vista. Once again, it seems unable to recognize the wireless keyboard that enables me to type out these daily ramblings.

Once again, this “improved” computer operating system is about as “improved” as Fred Flintstone’s foot-powered soft-top convertible.

Once again, this “improved” computer operating system is about as useful and convenient as a Styrofoam boat anchor.

And you know, that’s not a bad idea for a secondary use for this here computer either…

Chow for now…

At One With “The Majesty Of The Mountains”.

(Actually, “At Two”. Someone Had To Be There To Take The Flippin’ Picture…)

As you may be able to deduce by the background in the picture up there today, I was recently posing in front of a mountain range. The Rocky Mountains. The Canadian part of the Rocky Mountain range to be exact, whose American portions were made famous in the 1970’s by John Denver, as he gushed over them in one of his songs. He did love his Rocky Mountain high…

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were up for the first time ever in Kananaskis Village – a bee-oo-tiful part of rural Alberta, a mere 45 minutes from our front door. I had a health fair to attend, in my capacity as a Canadian Diabetes Association volunteer. MTDG stowed away in the van, popping out after it was too late to turn back for home…

At any rate, once we arrived at Kananaskis (Gesundheit!!) and set up the diabetes display, we took a little wander, and shot a few photographs. It is breath-taking. So breath-taking, we are still waiting for our breath to be returned.

Around this beautiful resort, there is a trail intended for viewing these mountains, called the Village Rim Trail. So we rolled up the rim (ouch! Totally Canadian inside joke…), and took a few more shots, which you can view at this handy-dandy link:

http://photoshare.shaw.ca/view/8053591844-1205081130-75026/

I am now going to depart, so as to warble about these Canadian portions of the Rocky Mountains, in the hopes of achieving similar success as Mr. Denver.

For today, I bid you a fond adieu…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Come on, chicken…THINK!!

It’s Saturday mornin’, and people are expectin’ your pearl drops of wisdom – this ain’t NO time for writer’s block!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Uh, top a the mornin’ ta ya, humans. Ole Charlie was just talkin’ to hisself, to coax out a few thoughts, like I usually do here on the weekend. But the ole well seems to have run dry this particular mornin’. What the cluck….

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

What’ve I got…

Well, tomorrow starts Daylight Savings Time, where I get ripped offa an hour of my beauty sleep. My poultry bumps are gonna be draggin’ Sunday, that’s for pluckin’ sure!!

How come none of the political parties down in the Unitey Steaks didn’t nominate a chicken? I think that HAS to be discrimination of some sort. I’ll tell ya one thing – a clucker that was President would convert KFC into Kentucky Fried Cattle faster than yew can say “Chicken Knuckles”…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Dear God, this is just painful today. I got nuttin. I got doodly.

I got a scratch on my pinfeathers these damn short wings o mine just can’t reach…

Well, I think I need to crawl back inta my coop, and catch a little siesta, so as my brain clears up. What the pluck?? That didn’t make a lick o snese!!!

I’m outta this popsicle stand. Amuse yerself for once!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!

Cluck for now!!!

There are days when a person just craves a Dunkin’ Donut. Craves a Dunkin’ Donut more than coffee, more than even finding a twenty dollar bill on the grass in your back yard, obviously dropped by a bird that had scooped it up from an outdoor café, where it had been left to pay for a light lunch, but with its absence now appeared that the diners had perhaps dined and dashed.

Oh, we’ve got donut joints up here in Canada. Tim Horton’s, Robin's. We even have a few rare imported Krispy Kreme outlets. They ain’t Dunkin’ Donuts though. A Dunkin’ Donut is about as perfect a donut as you’re ever going to find.

I’m not going to offer any proof of that claim. Does the Pacific Ocean need to prove how pacific it is? I say no – it is what it is, and that’s good enough for me. Plus I’m too distracted by my Dunkin’ Donut desire to even think straight at this point. I’m looking over at a little Frisbee on my bookcase, and it looks just like a double chocolate that’s been dyed blue.

Mwaaahhhhmmmmmmm………

Guess I’ll have to settle for a local donut. I can always dream of Dunkin’…

Chow for now!!

Over the last couple of days, achieved jointly with equal doses of stubbornness, frustration, and Red Bull, I have successfully managed to fix a couple of long-standing problems with my computer’s new operating system. As Mike Tyson used to say, “I am ess-tatic”!!

Yessirree, I am now once again able to send and receive e-mails – which has greatly enhanced my happy factor. Nothing like being cut off from the outside world by defective technology to enable negative thoughts to enter your mind (I wished that everyone responsible for the Vista OS would grow elephant trunks, and then catch the worst head cold ever).

I’ve also started to solve other issues, so there is hope. I may be once again a happy PC customer. We’ll see.

In other news, some of my “real” weekly columns are now available online.

Go to:

http://www.eventpub.com/

and scroll down the left hand side of the page, until you see “Featured Columnist”.

In the archives, you will find:

“Change Is Really Really Good”

“Cruising For A Bruising”

and

“Behind The Scenes With Hockey Night In Canada”.

All good fun…

Chow for now!!

You know, I didn’t realize just how uncomfortable I am with heights, until I just now looked down from the office chair I’m sitting on. Wow! That floor is pretty far down. Now I’m starting to think that that old commercial “I’ve fallen, and I can’t get up” wasn’t so funny after all…

Try it for yourself. Pull out a chair, sit down, and then gaze downwards, until you can clearly see the floor below. It may help if your chair has arms, so as to grip for safety when you start to go woozy.

Funny, I’ve never felt this way on the sofa, but it reclines, so I’m waaaay back from visible vertigo issues. Plus that Howie Mandel is so darn funny, it takes my mind right off of plummeting from the comfort of a couch.

Now I’m going to have to rethink the barstools we have at our elevated kitchen island nook. I’m either going to have to install large fluffy pillows around them, or seat belts. What kind of a headline would THAT make?

“Man Meets Maker Munching Macaroni – Impact Dents Linoleum…”

No way! Not this cowboy! I’m going to steal a page from the Japanese, and eat on the floor from here on out. Legs crossed, meditative, and barefoot – I’m going to leave elevation to giraffes and daredevils.

Chow for now!!

That’s what you get for utilizing artistic license. Playing fast and loose with the facts. Making things up out of thinnish air…

Yesterday (or so) I suggested that an albino rattlesnake might be able to tiptoe into the garage, under the camouflage of snow cover.

Well, you woulda thunk that the albino rattlesnake was the key clue in my twaddling of the facts there, but in fact, it was “the camouflage of snow cover”. We had NO snow on the ground – the brown carpet of hibernating grass outside our home would have made an albino rattlesnake stand out like an icicle with fangs. Like a scaly white sceptre of all-too-obvious snakery…

So, Mother Nature (being the card she is) decided to provide us with some fresh snow overnight - for our drive into work today (MTDG, not me – I would LIVE in a housecoat and slippers if she didn’t need chauffeuring).

The moral of the story kiddies – be careful what you wish for, or write about – because ole Mother Nature can be quite the clown…

Chow for now!!

Still sorting out the logistics of purchasing a mongoose. Not getting much help from the local pet stores though – they all think I’m trying to pull their legs… If I could get the blasted mongoose, SOMETHING would be pulling on their legs – THAT’S for sure!!

To be fair, my urgency has diminished, what with the lack of apparent rattlesnakes in and around the home. Although, I shouldn’t relax my guard just because there’s snow on the ground outside. What if an ALBINO rattlesnake tiptoed in from outside, while I had the garage door open??

I must remain ever vigilant, as Lord, Master, and Protector of this domain…

Now, where does a person have to travel, to find mongooses (rarely “mongeese”) indigenous? Europe? Asia? Nebraska? I don’t believe they are native to any part of Canada.

So much on my plate…

Chow for now!

Cooking With Dan Lesson #11

Appled Chicken

Greetings, dear readers. Today I’m putting on my Rachael Ray hat, and sharing some tips on preparing Appled Chicken, a cherished Such Is Life household recipe.

First, you will need the ingredients:

1) A chicken – preferably fresh and clean, but if you’ve got a pesky one around your house that keeps drinking your beer without permission, grab the little clucker by the scruff of his neck, and pluck his caboose clean…

2) An apple – I’ve always tried to use apples fresh from the vine, or at least something that professes to be organic. Failing those simple criteria, a lowly crate apple from a supermarket display should do the trick just as well…

3) A large platter, to contain the poached poultry, and gleaming apple.

4) Balsamic vinegar. It’s the only thing that seems to clean the gravel out from between the claws of the average free range cackler…

5) Beer. To stuff the bird. So as to have him woozy enough not to notice the preparations for dinner, to which he is invited, but will not be seated, so to speak…

6) An oven. I always assume this goes without saying when cooking is involved, but some people need pictures drawn…

OK, you’ve got your ingredients, and your chicken is sufficiently snockered. If his singing and swaying is bothersome, simply club the bird once with a can of frozen peas. The peas may come in handy, after he’s out of the oven.

Once the bird is immobilized, pop it into a pre-heated oven (425°), for about 35 minutes. Ensuring that he is a golden brown (or grey – some birds just don’t bronze), remove him from the oven, and place him on a platter. Give the apple one last polish, and firmly implant it in the beak. Serve with fresh greens, or thawed peas. Serves 4.

Enjoy! Salut!! Bon Appetit!!!

Chow for now…