Chicken Scratch

Pluck my feathers and call me bouillabaisse – it’s March!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, it’s March, and I already hate me some cluckin’ ducks. Anaheim Ducks, to be exact… Their pluckin’ goalie gets my giblets – what kinda name is Giguere anyways…

Hey, ice is kinda cold to lay on, even miniature ice. Don’t I look like a giant on this here little rink?? Chickenzilla!! Rarrrr!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, today I’m lyin’ here on this scale-model sheet of hockey ice, because I happened to find it in the basement of the house. I wish I could tell ya that I got a funny recollection from my days of peewee hockey, but I don’t.

Although, I was kinda the Tie Domi of the chicken circuit, back in my day. I was the meanest son-of-a-crowin’-rooster the opposing team ever had the misfortune to run into.

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I got in my share of fights, even in the juniors – where it was frowned upon. I didn’t care – every little jersey I could pull over the head of some other loser was a feather in my cap. Helmet. Crown…

Which gave me plenty of time to relax in the penalty box. I rode the pine there for most games, but it beat he hell out of having to race down the ice to try to score. How are ya supposed ta keep your cigarette lit, skating like a pluckin’ missile down the ice? I like my pace leisurely – they don’t even pay ya in beginner hockey!! Cluck that!!

Buk-AAAAK!!!!

Well, before my pinfeathers freeze permanent here, I better scatter. I’m datin’ the Watusi triplets tonight, and I’m visitin’ the spa, to get my comb waxed. Hasta cluck vista, baby!!

Cluck for now!!

Feb. 29th? Feb. 29th???

Boy, this really bakes my cookies. An extra flippin’ day this year, that I’m going to have to duplicate so many things I thought I could let slide.

For one thing, I’ll be having an extra breakfast this morning – how’s that supposed to help my diet?? Add in the extra lunch, supper, and intermittent random snacking – yikes!! I’m going to have to see if Richard Simmons is on speed-dial. I need to sweat with an oldie!!!

Is there even TV programming for an extra day of the year? Do the networks schedule for quirks of nature like this? I’ll bet “The Price Is Right” host Drew Carey is thinking the same thing I am – I don’t get paid enough to have to absorb 24 whole extra hours in a year!!!!

Frankly, we should get some sort of rebate for this frivolous addition to the calendar. Make it a day off, so that we can maybe begin to embrace this oddball intruder into our lives. I mean, what’s that all about? A day that can only be bothered to come around once every so-and-so years? Get your act together, Leap Year!!

Ahhh, wattaya gonna do? I’ll just have to make the best of it, and pace myself through this challenge of an additional entire day and night. This extra blog alone is killin’ me! My fingers are only conditioned for 365 days of typing – not almost a whole extra year!!

Almost…

Chow for now!!

This is going to be my first-ever Leap Year blog (tomorrow morning).

Great! A whole extra day this year that I have to come up with something off the top of my head. Thanks a lot, Romans – and the calendar you rode in on!!

Chow for now…

Turns out that even with Mrs. That Dan Guy’s blessing, getting your hands on a live mongoose is not as easy as I thought it might be.

First, I thought there might be a few at the local SPCA. No dice. They’ve got ferrets (similar, but different) rabbits, dogs and cats, but not a mongoose to be found. The young lady at their desk yesterday pretty much looked at me like I was quackers. Nuts. Bonko!

So, my next stop was the local zoo – which turns out to be very territorial about their mongooses. What, people coming to the zoo are going to notice one missing??

So as a last resort, I hit “The Source Of All Knowledge” – Wikipedia. Where I typed in “mongoose”, and discovered that in fact mongooses (rarely mongeese) CAN actually be domesticated, and even taught to do tricks. Hey, the only trick I’m interested in is having them make rattlesnakes disappear…

Speaking of rattlesnakes, MTDG had a relatively logical question the other night. Are there even rattlesnakes IN Calgary? My reply was “why take chances?” Still have her full blessing to bring home a mongoose, but considering the difficulty I’m facing – I’m beginning to wonder if she hadn’t already consulted “The Source Of All Knowledge” before I did…

One interesting thing about the mongoose – they giggle when they mate! Hey, don’t take my word for it – check it out yourselves:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mongoose

Mongooses – the laughing lovers of the animal kingdom!!

Chow for now!!

Again With The Fun “Facts” About Canada!

(Facts sold separately. Batteries not included)

Welcome back to another lesson of Canadiana. That’s a real phrase by the way, unlike much of the rest of today’s posting. All things Canadian are considered Canadiana, similar to all things Pamela Anderson are Andersoniana. I know – sounds crazy, but that’s how it works up here!

Well, enough ado, and even more than enough Gesundheit – let’s get on with our lesson:

* Canada has a mint, which produces the coins that Canadians use in day-to-day transactions. These transactions can include, but are not limited to: purchases of Starbucks coffee, purchases of McDonald’s hamburgers, and purchases of Wal-Mart retail items. Hey, aren’t those all American companies???

* Canada could not afford to jazz up its name with I, E, O,U, or even Y during confederation. Pat Sajak refused to cut Canada any slack with bonus vowels…

* This has nothing to do with Canada, but I just realized that my command of the alphabet may be in serious Jeopardy, after reviewing the order of vowels in that last statement. Hey, that’s TWO game shows I’ve mentioned so far today!!

* Canada has several cities large enough to be recognized worldwide: Toronto, Montreal, and Vancouver for example. Not so much recognized worldwide: Estevan, Portage La Prairie, and Frozen Moustache…

* One of the most remarkable things about Canada, is that if you scramble the letters, you can spell “Dan Caa”. I know, sounds a lot like “danke”, eh?? Danke Schoen!!

* Famous Canadians: William Shatner, Wayne Gretzky, Celine Dion. Not-so-famous Canadian: Jim

Well, there’s another half-dozen “Fun Facts About Canada”. If it seems a bit light in the fact department, my internet was briefly down this morning for maintenance. I had to go pretty much just from memory.

Good thing it finally came back up, eh??

Chow for now!!

How about them Academy Awards last night?? Not a bad little broadcast, all things considered. With the writer’s strike settled, Bruce Vilanch (large, hairy star and writer for Hollywood Squares, and The Oscars) was able to work his “magic”, and pen jokes for the show. As were other less hairy writers.

I think considering it was a landmark broadcast (celebrating 80 years – almost as old as Joan Rivers…), the producers put a real effort into the show. Lots of historic clips, and even a long-winded honorary award winner, who was well into in his late 90’s. Boy, if Anna Nicole Smith was still alive…

No big surprises, I thought. Considering all the speculation beforehand that goes into who will win what, most winners came out as predicted. The only thing that disappointed me was not being able to see Ratatouille accept any awards in person. How can you not be free for the Academy Awards broadcast??

Hey, how about host Jon Stewart bringing out that co-winner for Best Song, who didn’t get to say her thanks? I thought that was a pretty classy move. I think they cut out showing the employees of Price Waterhouse, but it was worth it.

Well, running behind today, so I better wrap this up.

That’s a wrap!!

Chow for now!!

Last night, I started to worry about rattlesnakes. This is not a good thing. The average house has so many entry points for those slithery intruders – and ours is no exception!

Truth be told, every time we open the garage door, a rattlesnake could be beetling in, fast as his little scaly underbelly could crawl across the concrete floor!

Every time I open the front door to pick up my morning paper, a rattlesnake could be tiptoeing in from the side, with me completely unawares....

But not anymore! I’ll be looking now, rattlesnakes – so be on your best behaviour! I will not tolerate a single rattler inside this home!!

Man, the more I think about it, a rattlesnake would have endless possibilities for hiding places in here. Under sofas, in the heating vents, under Mrs. That Dan Guy’s extensive and comprehensively large shoe collection…

A rattlesnake could easily crawl up our stairs, and hide under our bed, or in our closets. He could hide among the many wires that inhabit our audio/visual centre…

Why, a crafty rattlesnake could even patiently await in our bathtub, as we keep the shower curtains drawn. Imagine that – opening a shower curtain, and having a bloodthirsty rattlesnake uncoil, in a savage lunge of poisonous death!! From a freakin’ bathtub!!

I’m starting to get the willies, just thinking a bit more about this…

I wonder how much a mongoose costs???

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Greetings, feather-deprived knuckleheads!!

Ole Charlie is forgoin’ his usual mug shot, so as to share with you a little cartoon he spotted in the newspaper the other day. See above...

In the openin’ frame of the strip, beloved cartoon cat Garfield is grinnin’ one of his trademark grins.

WHILE BOILIN’ A CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAAAAAAWK!!!!!!!!!!

So, Mr. Garfield – you find it amusin’ to imagine gnawin’ on a claw?? Well, let’s see how funny you think THIS is!!

I hereby offer a bounty. A bounty of 100 pieces of corn, to WHOEVER brings me the head of that obese tabby. My violin needs new strings, and your whiskers look to be just about the right size, you cacklin’ cannibalistic cat-brain!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

My tennis racket needs re-stringin’, and for that matter, I know a ukulele or two that could stand to refresh their music-makers. I wanna twang a tail!

Garfield, if yer readin’ this – yer days are numbered! One a my buddies will tip-toe into yer house, in the dead a the night, an’ get hisself a new fur coat. Check yer Meow Mix pal – I don’t know what we’re gonna do to it, but ya ain’t gonna like it!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I’ve never been so outraged in my life. That really ruffles my feathers – even if I ain’t got none no more! What, ya couldn’t fit Odie inta the pot????

I’m too angry. I gotta fly – if I could I would, lemme tell ya!. Hope I calm down by next week. Hope I got a newly strung racquet ball racquet by then…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now!!

Holy Spiced Garbonzo!

Where the heck did February go?? One minute, I’m debating whether or not to write a Valentine’s Day column this year or not, then I look at the calendar, and it’s almost flippin’ March!! (Never did write that column, for the record…)

So, with just a few days left in the second month of the new year, how can a person possibly wring as much out of it as possible, before the next month pops up on the calendar??

- Knit. Knit anything. Knitting is one of the secrets of old age. Why do you think so many seniors knit?? It slows time, I tell you!!

- Watch televised curling. You’ll slow down the passage of time so much that you’ll think you’ve got rigor mortis setting in.

- Never mind the current ongoing presidential nomination efforts – spend time watching any of the various provincial or national Canadian political endeavours. Watching a glass of Coke go flat is more invigorating.

- Update your computer operating software to Windows Vista. This won’t slow time down a bit, but your mental breakdown might get the urgency of passing days reprioritized, into wondering why all those toasters are flying around your living room…

- On a more serious note, dust off that old debut album by pop icon James Blunt. Relaxation has never sounded so good…

- Hey, here’s a simple solution: cut the last week right off of the wall calendar! How can time pass if it isn’t even connected to the calendar anymore??

**********************************************************************

Not sure if any of those will help you, but I’m going to go spin that James Blunt CD right now. I’m getting less stressed out, just thinking about that…

Chow for now!!

I really need to start diarizing my upcoming events more efficiently…

Last night, we forgot to watch for the total lunar eclipse, which was supposed to be spectacular. I love me a good lunar eclipse… We ended up being inside a mall instead, looking at totally loony paperclips. Nowhere near the same thing…

These electronic day-timers are a marvellous technological innovation, when you remember to use them. Otherwise you key in and look at blank virtual pages, where your reminder should have been. If you remembered to even look at your day-timer, to see if you did indeed enter anything. I may need to set reminders to check and see if I entered a reminder. This could end up being a vicious circle…

Well, excuse me for now, folks. I need to go look for my blogging muse, which has apparently decided to sleep in this morning …

Chow for now!!

Every day, there is one issue that bubbles up to the top of my consciousness, and therefore appears here, as my topic du jour.

This morning, the only thing bubbling up to the top of my consciousness is that I need to go down to the kitchen, and make some toast, or I will literally die of starvation. This, even though I carry enough spare “energy” around to shame the average camel’s ability to last without sustenance. Yet I truly feel that I am just on the verge of collapse, unless I immediately gobble down some darkened, warmed bread.

With generous applications of peanut butter…

So, forgive me if I seem unfocused this morning, as the hunger pangs are stronger than normal - somewhat like the cast of “Stomp”, banging garbage can lids against the inner walls of my stomach. This must be how bears feel like, after hibernation ends.

You know, it may be prudent in the future to store some grapes or dry cereal beside my computer, so as to satiate this persistent gnawing in my abdomen. Even a dry cracker or two, with maybe just a dollop or two of peanut butter. We’re not uncivilized after all, here in the Such Is Life household…

Man, all this talk of food isn’t helping my condition any. I can’t think of anything else right now!! My keyboard looks like an ocean of liquorice, with icing on the keys. My desk looks like the most humungous chocolate bar ever created!!

Charlie just walked by with the morning paper, and I’m envisioning him with a generous covering of Shake N’ Bake…

I’d better depart, before I do something drastic, stupid, or both.

Chow for now!

Well, the Academy Awards are coming up this weekend, and thanks to the writers’ strike being settled, should feature all the razzle-dazzle typically associated the broadcast.

I’m feeling a bit psychic this morning, and would like to make a few predictions about some of the big winners. These are guarantees, folks! Call your Vegas bookie, and prepare to retire wealthier than a junior Trump!!

Best Actress:

Hillary Swank should snag this one, for her work in Million Dollar Baby. I’m pretty confident on this one…

Best Actor:

You can bet Grandma’s dentures that Jamie Foxx will pick up this year’s trophy, for his marvellous portrayal of Ray Charles, in the biopic Ray. He’s so spooky good, you can almost envision him picking up a real singing career, after all is said and done…

Best Movie Not Nominated:

Elf. That Will Ferrell is freakin’ hilarious!!!!!

Best Appearance of French Fries In A Scene:

The Sopranos, Episode 27. OK, technically this might be my first big stretch, seeing as how the Sopranos isn’t technically a theatrical release. I’d still bet on it.

Best Director:

Clint Eastwood, for Million Dollar Baby. Man, this film could scoop a few trophies this year. It’s the female Rocky of our era!!

Best Use Of “Ecru” In Set Design:

What the hell: Million Dollar Baby…

Best Picture:

Here, I must admit to being torn. Conventional wisdom leans towards Million Dollar Baby, but I just can’t quit thinking about Elf. Go with “The Baby”, to be on the safe side….

That’s it folks! When you cash in your winning bets, remember That Dan Guy!!

Chow for now!!

Today is some sort of scattered Canadian holiday – “Family Day” here in Alberta, and “Louis Riel Day” in Manitoba. At least those are the two that I’m aware of. Mrs. That Dan Guy doesn’t recognize today’s holiday, and is busily preparing to head off to work. I’m preparing to enjoy “Stay In My Pyjamas & Housecoat Day”, which is eerily similar to every other day of the week around here…

Actually, I kid. I’m preparing to hop into the shower myself, as one of my volunteer positions falls onto today. Would have been a much better day to stay under the covers and sleep until noon (which I NEVER do, seriously), but duty calls….

So, if I’m not mistaken, it’s President’s Day down across the American border. I’m never sure about these more obscure holidays. I do believe that most folks in the U.S. shop for linens at local malls today, but maybe not so much if they live in places like Washington state, or Lincoln, Nebraska. Those sound like very presidential places to me, with possibly less frantic linen shopping.

Linen. Bedding. Back to bed…

Hey, we ended up watching the British Academy Awards last night. A briefer version of the North American counterpart, with funnier accents. Not a bad show, all things considered, although they all started to sound like Harry Potter after awhile.

Chow for now!!

And we’re back…

After getting the hook from a chicken every Saturday, I feel like I have to play catch-up on the Sunday following.

So, here’s the (belated) scoops du jour:

Friday night on The Tonight Show, with Jay Leno, I tuned in to watch Russell Peters, a talented Canadian stand-up comic, who is exploding world-wide right now. You know, I should say that I mean he’s becoming very popular. Exploding is probably not the best describer in these current times we live in…

At any rate, he was great, and pulled off a hilarious set. But prior to his appearance, Jay was taking questions from the studio audience, and front and centre, there was a guy wearing a Calgary Flames' jersey! Of all the people to zero in on – a Calgary Flames' fan. Go figure. What a small world it truly is…

More fascinating than that, we watched Las Vegas, the delightful series. And as we’re watching, there’s a storyline unfolding where Montecito Casino owner Tom “Moustache” Selleck is apparently killed in a plane crash. And who do they bring in to sing at the funeral??

JAMES BLUNT!! That’s right, and all capitalized for impact: JAMES BLUNT!

He shows a humble sense of self-deprecating humour with his one spoken line, then launches into one of the hits off of his latest album. TV magic! 25 years, from now, this will be like that finale of Newhart, where Bob wakes up next to Emily…

There is hope yet, for the boob tube…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Mmmmmmmm…….

Well, howdie-do, my mammalian amigos! Charlie’s just enjoyin’ a nice bubble bath, after a rewardin’ an’ fruitful Valentine’s Day…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Yeah, the ole pinfeathers needed a bit o’ TLC, after I entertained a little Cornish Game Hen on the 14th, and boy – was she game – if ya get my drift!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, I can tell ya wanna ask, but yer too shy – so I’ll just go ahead an’ tell ya: “Charlie, how do ya pull off a successful Valentine’s Day, guaranteed to be magical and…rewardin’?”

Well, this is how it is:

First, ya need some good mood music. Not some crap by one a them froo-froo boy band goobers! Sumthin’ classic – like Barry White, or REO Speedwagon…

Second, ya need to set tha mood. Spread crap like rose pedals around – chicks dig that! And for the love a Pete, hold off on bringin’ out toys, until ya know ya got things in the bag!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Next, ya need booze. Loads a booze, or at least wine that has a alcohol content higher than a Dr. Pepper. I prefer Claws N Beaks Cellar Chardonnay myself, and I ain’t had no complaints from my lady friends…

A nice touch (that ALWAYS works for me, but remember kiddies – I’m a professional!) is a warm bottle of Professor Feathers’ Pinfeather Massage Oil – to soothe the savage beak, as I always say.

Remember though, this comes later in the evenin’ – it can put a crimp in thing s if ya start with offerin’ a massage… an yer droolin’….

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Well, that’s summa my tips. I ain’t givin’ away the farm, so be a man! Improvise! Summon your inner clucker!

Cluck for now!!

After the 50th Annual Grammy Awards broadcast, I ran right out and bought a copy of Herbie Hancock’s “Album Of The Year” – River, The Joni Letters.

OK, technically I may have waited a day or two…

Alright, alright, so it was a week! Who tracks this stuff anyway????

The point is, I picked up what took home the top trophy for best recording last year. And in the process, I believe I discovered a massive Grammy voter conspiracy – they were all kidding!!

Now, I should preface this pending rant with a short comment on how much a fan I am of Mr. Hancock. His last album, Possibilities, was stellar. Astounding. Lush and delightful. This one, the one that won “Album Of The Year”, is not. Not ANY of those things. Frankly, it would have to get jolted with a cattle prod to elevate above “dull as a funeral dirge…”

The album is absolutely lifeless. Everyone sounds like they’ve been hit with elephant tranquilizers. Tina Turner – so understated you’d think she was on sleeping pills, and maybe even sleeping for that matter. Four of the tracks sound exactly the same, like elevator Muzak that’s been harpooned with elephant tranquilizer. Hell, I’d say that a harpooned elephant sounds like it’s sitting on the damn thing…

Even the seductively effervescent and charming Corinne Bailey Rae can’t bring life to the most beautiful song in the world, River, which makes one WANT to be harpooned with elephant tranquilizers…

What a bummer….

Replies to comments will be a bit behind this morning folks – off first thing for my regular quarterly early morning diabetes blood-work. If I need to calm myself down, I’ll pop this CD into my i-Pod…

Chow for now!!

Happy Valentines Day!!

WARNING:

Do NOT Read Today’s blog, if you don’t want to learn the well-kept secret identity of the Deal Or No Deal banker.

You’ve been warned…


Alright, if you’ve stayed this far, you can only blame yourself if this information crushes and exposes this long-kept secret.

The Deal Or No Deal banker is…..

Academy Award nominated actor Liam Neeson!

That’s right, just look at that Oskar Schindler profile. It has to be him. Plus, what the hell else has he been in lately? Big shot Hollywood actors have bills, just like the rest of us (although rather than health insurance and mortgage payments, they’re up-keeping Lear jets and caviar farms). So why wouldn’t he get behind a disguise, and keep the old cash flow going?

Liam Neeson – Deal Or No Deal banker. You heard it here first….

Chow for now!!

(Yet Even More) Fun Facts About Canada

(assuming “fact” to be somewhat loosey-goosey in the accuracy department)

Welcome to yet another instalment of my outreach program to the rest of the world, offering insights and observations of “The Great White North” – Canada…

* The national symbol of Canada is the beaver. That’s right, a hairy, buck-toothed rodent tree-eater was the best symbol we could come up with. Hardly the majestic eagle that symbolizes the United States, but probably way better than our second choice, the mosquito…

* Canada is home to the world-famous Royal Canadian Mounted Police. Which I believe I’ve already mentioned in a past Fun Facts episode, but we’re awfully proud of them, so live with it…

* Canada shares the rugged Rocky Mountain range with the United States. We are in talks to move them a bit more to the middle of Canada, as Alberta and British Columbia have enjoyed them far too long already.

* Canada ran out of good names for cities much sooner than the United States did, which is why you’ll find places like Moose Jaw, Red Deer (???), and Kumquat on a Canadian map…

* Canada has a wide range of directions, such as North, South, East and West. Not to mention the exotic ones, like Northwest. We named a mounted police force after that one! (Not all of our police forces are mounted, despite those two examples…)

* We’ve personally seen a live beaver here in Calgary, igniting a spontaneous moment of pride in our national symbol. Until he passed gas, and we had to move along. Beaver toots are brutal, dude…

* Canada is home of some of the Great Lakes. And many Not-So-Great Lakes…

* Canada’s national anthem is “O Canada”, which is just before “P Diddy” in the dictionary…

* Canada needs a haircut.

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That’s all for today, kiddies! Hope you learned something new, in today’s instalment…

Chow for now!!

Hey, does anyone else out there remember Michael Jackson?? He was kind-of a big deal back in the 80’s – big hits, huge record sales, an evolutionary nose…

I think he even had some success before that, with a band of some sort. Maybe it was something with family members? At any rate, what’s he been up to since then? Does he still record?

Wait a minute… He had a gimmick too, now that I think about it. He walked backwards, in an astronaut sort-of way. What the heck did he call that?? Backwards Astronaut Walk??? He did it in sneakers, if I remember correctly.

Wait another minute!! The mists of time are clearing – he wore like a marching band costume, and one white glove! It’s starting to become clearer. He was like the white glove cleanliness tester sergeant in the army, just with a gaudier costume. And greasy curls of hair.

Hey, didn’t he accidentally set himself on fire for a video once??

You know, the more I remember, the weirder this Jackson character is seeming to appear. The next thing you know, I’ll begin to fabricate scandals he may have been involved in, over the years.

Hey…………….

Beat it!

Chow for now!!

Whoo-Hoo!!

Amy Winehouse Rules! The British Invasion continues, here in 2008 – with a beehive hairdo!!

(Wow. That’s a new record, even for me – exclamation marks on EVERY sentence up there…)

Anyhoo – the point I was trying to make is that while we may have been rooting for fellow Canuck Feist, that album of Winehouse’s was one of our favourites from last year. Sure, there were other good ones as well, but we wore those MP3 tracks out, over the past 12 months.

And, there’s something wickedly enjoyable about watching a performance by an artist briefly released from rehab, just long enough to sing about it. Plus, who didn’t feel just a bit more warmth in their hearts, as she thanked her incarcerated husband? Magical, just magical…

Hey, does everyone know that I’m talking about the 50th Annual Grammy Awards broadcast last night?

One of the better ones, in our books. Great performances, and a wide variety of musical styles, rather than concentrating on the crap they usually dedicate 4 hours to. I still find however that some of the awards presented are a bit unnecessary, compared to many of the others that are ignored, and simply scrolled across the screen as “presented earlier this evening”. But, that is just our humble opinion. There are probably viewers that tune in specifically for “Best Stereo Recording Of A Beat-Box Beat, Looping Over Scratchin’ Records And Muffled Microphone Noises That Barely Resemble Vocal Tracks”…

Amy, you go girl! Back to rehab maybe, but with FIVE Grammies to help brighten up the décor…

Chow for now!!

I don’t know why, but the last few days, I’ve really been missing Halloween. Makes no sense, but I think I could get into dressing up as a pirate, and going door-to-door trick or treating for candy. I’m sure the urge will pass, but until then, it is a bloody pain to try typing with a hook on one hand, and wearing an eye-patch.

Arrrr…

Well, at least I’ve got Easter, or something like that coming up to distract me. Mrs. That Dan Guy will get into that Little Bo Peep outfit of hers, and hide eggs all throughout the house, which I will happily hunt around for.

Too bad there aren’t any other special days coming up sooner, though. Christmas is waaaaay down the road, and Arbour Day seems like it’s NEVER going to come! February is just a barren, special-day-free month, dedicated to snow and wind chills.

Bah Humbug!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Say, wuz up, my fleshy friends? Cornelius here today, layin’ down a few grooves before my little set tonight at the local Dairy Queen. Charlie appears to be MIA – that’s code for “hungover”…

Buk-Buk-Buk…Buk-AAAWK, Baby!!!!

Yeah, I got myself a little three-piece jazz band, which doesn’t sound like much, I know. But the accordion player fills in a lot of the gaps, and you ain’t lived till ya heard jazz bagpipes! Eat your hearts out, Diana Krall!

Hey, who said I looked like I was doin’ sumtin’ inappropriate to ma jazz gee-tar? Get yer smooth-skinned mind outta the gutter, and embrace the power of a poultry pluckin’!!! Pluckin’ strings, I mean ta say! It ain’t right, ta disrobe a chicken the other way!!

Buk-Buk-Buk…Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

So, what songs do we play in these informal little neighbourhood gigs? Mostly the jazz classics – Michael Buble, Norah Jones, and a bitta Kilometres Davis (that’s Canadian for “Miles” Davis, darlin’…)

Well, I hate to cut my time short here, but we still have to sort out the arrangement to “Wingin’ It”, one of the improvisation greats. And a bit ironic when a customer orders a side of wings, while we’re playin’…

Cluck for now!!

We currently have no pets. No dogs, no cats – not even a goldfish or a budgie. As active as those rubber chickens are around here, they don’t really qualify as “live” pets.

So, what would we have, if we decided to go ahead with pets?

Well, Mrs. That Dan Guy has always been partial to chimpanzees. She’d adopt a chimpanzee in a New York minute. She’d even adopt one in a Saskatoon minute, but that is beside the point.

However, whenever we consider bringing home a chimp, we remember how well that worked out for Wacko Jacko (Michael Jackson), and the idea goes back on ice…

I’ve always thought it would be cool to have a kangaroo hoppin’ around the house, but we have relatively low ceilings in this latest residence, and I don’t think I could stand up to the PETA scrutiny if I was constantly calling emergency for Kangaroo concussions…

During the summer, it could be handy to have an anteater around the yard, to police the local ant population, for whilst I suntan and lounge around the yard (only briefly, Sweetheart – a man needs to recharge his creative juices, eh?).

But, I suppose a big-nosed anteater isn’t the best possible choice for a pet. I imagine he’d snore up a storm, if he ever crawled into bed with us, he and his humongous honker…

Say, we spend enough time around here with rubber chickens, why not some real ones? They’d sure to cheep (pun intended) to keep – just feeding them some unpopped popcorn kernels, and lettuce once in a while – for a treat.

Hmmm. May have to put some serious thought to that scenario. We’d get fresh eggs, and milk too, I think. Plus, whenever the little cluckers wear out, or get too old, we’ll be mixin’ up some batter, and havin’ us some tasty treats, along with Spuddy!

This idea has much merit…

Chow for now! (And later…)

Hi folks!

Spuddy here, to offer some counter-points to what Cranky Magoo was griping about yesterday, disparaging my potato brothers and sisters…

First off, how do you like my new hammock? Mr. Anti-Potato gave it to me yesterday, so maybe he isn’t just a big, hairless jerk after all!

Now, let’s set the record straight by saying potatoes are one of the most versatile products you’ll ever see! We’ve been loved for centuries, especially by the Irish. Why, there are some places where we are even worshipped! That’s right, worshipped. Mash that, ya big lug!!!

Now, for one thing, potatoes are almost as ethnically diverse as humans. You’ve got white potatoes, red potatoes…well, maybe that’s about it, but we aren’t one-dimensional, like carrots. Would you eat a white carrot? I didn’t think so…

For another thing, potatoes are one of the world’s favourite side dishes. You can have us baked, boiled, scalloped, mashed, and even whipped. Ooooh…hee hee…whipped. How naughty!!

The point is, rather than painting us all with the same “they’re lumpy and have too many eyes” brush, Captain Crankypants should be celebrating our diversity. We’re one of the world’s favourite side dishes.

Did I already say that??

Well, all I wanted to do was set the record straight. It must have worked, because I just got word that The Potato Griper has just drawn a nice warm bath for me. Perfect timing too, my eyes are just throbbing today!!

Potatoes Rock!!!!!!

(Editor's Note: Chow for now…chow for later…)

When you stop to think about it, potatoes are a rather unpleasant looking vegetable…

Sure, some of them can be smooth and soft, but most often your average potato is misshapen, loaded with protruding blind eyes, and after a while frankly – a little pungent…

Carrots are fresh, and smooth – at least the ones you buy in cello packs at the grocery store. No wonder rabbits are crazy over them – they’re tast-errific!!

Fresh snow peas are dainty, and demure, covered in little green jackets – they’re the green bananas of the vegetable world. But the potato…

A potato looks like the fat kid that you used to punch in elementary school, just for the heck of it. A potato looks like a morbidly obese raisin on steroids. And that’s when it’s fresh! Once one of those starch bombs has been lying around in your pantry long enough, it’ll start to grow more whiskers than a sea otter! Parts of it will get soft, and start to shrivel, often seeping potato juice – I think maybe those eyes are capable of crying!!

But the stink – man, when those lumbering vegetables start to turn, even the canned goods start to knock on the pantry door, asking for a pardon - hoping to vacate the proximity of a dying potato…

Now potato chips, on the other hand – there’s a delight that doesn’t turn on you. A potato chip can come in a dizzying array of flavours and shapes. A potato chip can transport delicious dip right up to your taste buds. A potato chip, is a noble thing.

Potatoes, not so much…

Chow for now!!

Indications You MAY Be Running Windows’ Vista Operating Software…

- The programs that worked well on every computer you’ve had since puberty now give out more error messages than a junior high math quiz…

- The simplest processes are now more laborious than working in a Chilean coal mine…

- You often find yourself wondering if it might be easier to insert your skull through the intricate little meshing of your metal garbage can, than it is to get through five minutes without encountering some new Microsoft “gremlin”…

- There are many moments in your computing day when you wonder if the software program you are working with was invented by Chihuahuas with severe head trauma injuries…

- You long for the days when fancy desktop graphics were no substitute for A SYSTEM THAT ACTUALLY DID WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO!!!!!!!!!!

- You find yourself chuckling softly that a company would launch a product that doesn’t even work with its own complementary product lines…

- You wish to God that the coin you had flipped when you went to buy your new computer had landed on heads (Apple), and NOT tails (PC)…

- You have several MacGyver moments, where you’re pretty sure you can fabricate a more effective software program with shaving cream, dry macaroni, and a 9-volt battery…

AAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Hey, how about those New York Giants yesterday? Talk about your nail-biter Super Bowl!!

OK, I should probably just fess up and admit that we only caught the Half Time show (to preview the Tom Petty concert experience we’ll be catching live and in person later this year here - thanks to a timely piece of advice), AND the last 2:40 seconds, where the entire game turned for the Giants. We had also hoped to wind the PVR back to see the American commercials, but I had flipped to another channel briefly, which wipes out the memory. Not the brightest thing to do at that particular time…

But what was amazing to us had to be that dramatic and determined trek downfield to score, which ultimately stuck, and won New York the Stanley Cup. Or the World Cup. No, I’m pretty sure it must have been the Super Bowl…why else would they mention that throughout the whole show??

Aside from that broadcast, we also happened to catch a delightful movie With Rowan Atkinson, called “Keeping Mum”, or something like that. Hadn’t heard of it before we watched it, but can’t recommend it highly enough. A total hoot!

And, today marks the second day in a row I’ve managed to tap out a posting, without once mentioning those pluckin' chickens, here in the house.

Aw, RATS!@!#!*!

Chow for now!!

I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been extremely remiss in my NHL Blogger.com contributions. Completely remiss might be more accurate.

But today, I hope to redeem myself. Mrs. That Dan Guy and I attended our first Flames home game last night – and thanks to CBC, it was one we won’t forget anytime soon. We had backstage access to the taping of Hockey Night In Canada!!

It was like being a kid in a candy store, but even better than candy – there was pro hockey!

We’ve been in The Saddledome before, but the atmosphere of a Flames home game is completely off the hook: flashing lights, rockin' music, and a real-live pyrotechnic display.

Of course, I am a bit on the slow side when it comes to subtle NHL hoopla. Prior to the game starting, and whenever The Flames scored a goal (once last night, sadly) these giant flames shoot up from beside the scoreboard. I needed it to happen a second time before I made the connection with the home team… Duh!!

At any rate, we started watching the game, and then our cordial tour guide stopped by, and took us out for the go-round. First stop, walking across the catwalk that leads up to the broadcast booths, over centre ice.

Now, I wouldn’t even begin to dream of embarrassing MTDG by recounting how her knees knocked even when crossing the fake foot bridge into Walt Disney World’s Tom Sawyer Island, but we’ve joked before about how she’d have a go of it trying to walk across this catwalk, yet she did a marvellous job. It only took three of us to pry her hands loose from the gate…

Once in the booths, we had an awesome view of the action, and the broadcasters calling the game (CBC – fine gentlemen – that’s cbc.ca, for all things CBC…) I got some incredible pictures – one in particular of Kipper guarding his crease. Très cool!! I'll try posting more photos later.

From the bird’s nest, we were then escorted past the most important part of an NHL arena game night staple – the catacombs where the massive distribution centre for beer is held behind a locked gate. It is a sight to behold…

We passed that on the way to the broadcast trailer, where the directors and associates switch all the action from the cameras, to what we see on the TV screen at home. For those of you that were stuck at home, and not in The Saddledome… That was about the neatest thing I’ve ever seen. At least a dozen different cameras, all jockeying for the best shot to broadcast. It was like being in the control room of the Murphy Brown set…

The only downside of our evening was that Calgary, playing the Stars, ended up losing. Oh, they knocked in a tying goal late in the game, but it was ruled “no-goal” after Turco kicked the net off its moorings, likely due to a Charlie horse, or pressure from the Flames offense. I can’t prove that, but from where we were sitting, I would’ve gone upstairs to view the video. Oh, wait a minute, we WERE upstairs!!

Special thanks to CBC Affiliate Relations for making this happen. What a way to see our first NHL game in Cowtown!!

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Ooooh….my achin’ noggin….

Cornelius and I hit the Poultry Plaza Pub last night, for a hearty round o’ Karaoke. I don’t know what’s makin’ my brain hurt more – enough beers to paralyze a poodle, or hollerin’ my lungs out ta Sammy Hagar hits…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

From what I can recall (and it ain’t much, I’ll admit), we knocked ‘em cluckin’ dead! AC-DC, Aerosmith, and I think we even covered a John Denver song. Like I sez, it’s all pretty fuzzy this mornin’ – like a newborn chick.

What I do remember is the roar of the crowd. Those 6 people were goin’ pluckin’ crazy for us! Corny and I should take this act on the road!! We could call it “Beakin’ Off!!”

Ya need the exclamation marks to show how tough we are…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I hadda feelin’ whenever I sung in the shower, I was gold, but now I know fer sure. Where’s that cluckin’ David Foster when ya need him? He coulda signed the next Michael Bublé, or Justine Tinglelake last night! Cornelius said I sounded just like Rod Stewart, in the ‘80’s!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Of course, I had to carry that crazy-haired chicken all by myself. He may be musical at his other end, but his chicken lips couldn’t carry a tune in a briefcase! Ah, I’m probably being too hard on him. He can be my Pip, or Ikette, or whatever his little heart desires.

Hey, instead a “Beakin’ Off!!”, maybe we should call ourselves “Giblet & The Drumstick”??? That’s pretty cluckin’ cool…

Buk-AAAAWK!!

I need a coupla Tylenol. Out, losers…

Cluck for now!!

You know, we could possibly live in the only household where there are just as many rubber chickens as there are human beings…

Further to that, these rubber chickens aren’t all that inanimate. Every day, and I do mean EVERY day, one of them is up to something, here in the Such Is Life household. You might find one snorkelling in the bathtub one morning, or peeking out from a curio the next. They get around, these wacky birds…

All of which might rightly prompt the question: “Are these people nuts?” Maybe. Only time will tell. Or our therapists.

In other news, I think this Writer’s Guild strike has officially caught up to Prime Time television schedules. All the shows we used to enjoy are in repeat mode. Of course, there are the various reality shows and American Idol left, but we will continue to pass on those endeavours. Even couch potatoes have their pride… I for one don’t really care to watch that awkward Trump hairpiece wobble around on his puffy old head.

Viva la Movie Channel!

Chow for now!!

You know what they said about curiosity and cats...

Chow for now...

Last night, Mrs. That Dan Guy & I took in a Stage West Dinner Theatre production of Sweet Charity, the hit musical currently being successfully revived right now, on Broadway. The show we saw last night couldn’t have been revived with a defibrillator and massive quantities of nitro-glycerine…

The show was our first disappointment at this venue, which has had some rather professional productions the past few times we’ve been there. The show we saw last night couldn’t have been improved with a trap door and a bear on a unicycle…

What can I say? We were both bored out of our skulls. When the lights came up for the first intermission, you could tell that we had both been occupied with something other than the show – if we were going to have a second cup of coffee/how do ostriches breath when they stick their heads in the sand/what flavour gum do you suppose this is, stuck under the table??

We snuck outside in the balmy -40° Celsius weather for some “fresh air”, and to let our vehicle run for a bit (frozen battery acid doesn’t do a very efficient job of starting a car), and we found that several other folks were doing the same thing. Unlike us, they all headed for the exit, once their vehicles warmed up.

So, what was the problem? Weak casting for sure. You never believed that the lead actor would have trouble finding a partner, and for that matter, you never developed any feelings at all for her. She could have been trampled by a herd of elephants in the first act, and we’d still have been more concerned with trying to figure out the flavour of that damn gum underneath the top of our table…

This production couldn’t have been saved by a herd of stampeding elephants.

Troopers that we were, we stuck in through to the end, when many others were quietly picking up their parkas, and walking backwards towards the exits. The pivotal point in the show arrived, and with no emotional attachment to the lead character, the ending was as heartbreaking as discovering that professional wrestling is staged. As a matter of fact, after such a tepid closing scene, the actors all started to come onstage and take bows, and you wondered if several of them might have started their own cars during the intermission, and gone home themselves.

Hey, I think I may have just written a negative review! Take that, argy.ca!!

Chow for now!!

More “Fun Facts About Canada”…

(if you imagine “facts” in the same category as “meat” in a hot dog…)

Alright, first let me apologize to the rest of the world for exporting Pamela Anderson/Lee/Rock/Roll/Biscuit…

So, today we back up just a bit, and offer a few basic facts about Canada.

1) Canada is comprised of 10 (Maybe 9. Could be 11 - I really should confirm this for you…) “provinces”, which are much like U.S. ‘states”, except that 90 % of a province’s population will live in one large city, with most of the rest of that province remaining wide open. For all I know, dinosaurs still roam outside of major Canadian cities…

2) Canada has TWO official languages – English, and French. Any product sold in Canada must have both official languages on ALL of their printed matter, which assists citizens in reading the official language of their choice. Except for Spanish-speaking citizens, who pretty much have to gamble whenever they buy a product, not knowing if it might be Chicken Noodle Soup, or a quart of eggshell house paint…

3) Canada has a love affair with hockey. Over the years, we’ve cheated on hockey with curling, lacrosse, football, baseball, and basketball. Hey, when you have two official languages, you really believe the rules don’t apply to you… Hockey always takes us back, with open arms…

4) Canada has a very temperate climate, rarely ever dropping below +20 Celsius.

(HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! My fingers are soooooooooooo cold right now…)

5) Canada maintains some ties with that overseas country, the one with the big-eared Royal Family. As a matter of fact, the Queen is still pictured on a lot of our currency. Has been for decades.

However, we look forward to the new currency coming soon from our Royal Canadian Mint – The “Celine Dion” twenty dollar bills, and the “Alex Trebek” Jeopardy series of commemorative coins…

Chow for now!!

-45° Celsius....

Flippin’ -45° Celsius, with the wind chill. Even the trees are wearing sweaters this morning!!

It should be an interesting drive into work later this morning, when I bring Mrs. That Dan Guy to her downtown office building. It’s been some time since I’ve driven on square tires, but like riding a bicycle – it’s something you really don’t forget.

On the plus side, the snow they promised alongside this cold snap has yet to arrive, so I won’t be out shovelling the walk in weather that would make a polar bear hanker for a hot tub….

When the mercury dips this far down, you get to experience some unique and different phenomena around the house. For one thing, our peep-hole in the front door has a coating of ice around it, like a piece of six-month-old chicken in the freezer. I’m sure if I stuck my eyeball up against it to look outside, I’d be trapped there until spring.

Hmmm. Maybe I’ll ask MTDG to check and see if it’s snowing outside right now…

Better run. I’ll be adding to global warming for a good chunk of the day, letting my poor motor vehicle try and warm up…

Chow for now!!

Well, the doodle has hit the windmill now!!

As I type this, Winter has abruptly arrived, and it’s brought a few friends – ugly, frigid friends. The temperature for the next few days is going to be around -28 Celsius (that’s colder than the backside of a penguin’s kneecap), with “ginormous” amounts of snow. The snow started falling about 15 minutes ago, and it’s coming down sideways, thanks to strong, gusting winds.

So, essentially we may have to live off of leaf dew and reruns, as we may end up trapped inside our home. Damn my decision NOT to pick up a new Wii gaming system!!!

Oh well. I suppose we’ve had it pretty easy so far, this winter. We’ve spent several weeks outside barbequing, and lounging on lawn chairs, while doves have fluttered above our heads, singing their little hearts out. When I look out in the backyard right now, I see several frozen lumps of feathers on the ground, which I have to assume used to be live, singing doves. Good thing we built a gate when we had a fence put up – coyotes looooove dovesicles.

Well, all this talk of food is making me hungry. Better go make MTDG and I breakfast, while we still have power…

Chow for now!!!

Chicken Scratch

Yo-Ho-Ho, me featherless mammal friends! Arrr!!!!!

Pluckin’ avast, and ahoy! The tall ship sails at midnight, and me crew is preparin’ to scuttle some plunder, or plunder some scuttle. Who the cluck knows??

As ye can see by me ship (way off in the distance there), I’ve abandoned me land-lubber ways, and taken to the high seas. I’ve answered the call of the rum! Arrr…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Me hook is still being fitted at the factory, and me peg leg was chewed up by sea termites, but me eye patch should be enough to invoke fear in yer hairy carcasses! Ahoy! Avast!! ARRR!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I must admits tho, this flippin sea-farin’ gets a bit hard on a rum-filled tummy. All the cluckin’ liftin’ an fallin’ of the waves, and if I eat one more cluckin’ lemon or lime to prevent scurvy, I’ll puke out a drink with an umbrella in it! By the end of this week, I may give up on Fish ‘n Chips forever!!

Arrrr!!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

And for the love of One-Eyed Pete, couldn’t the builders of peer-at ships add a bit of cushioned leather here and there? Those wooden seats are murder on the pinfeathers!!

Me First Mate is shouting down from the Crow’s Nest. Sumthin’ about a Miss Hawaiian Tropic’s Bikini Contest in Fort Lauderdale. We shove off at dawn!

Ahoy!! Ahar!!

ARRRRR!!!!!!

Buk-AAAAAAAAWK, mateys!!!

(Cluck for now!!)

I’m picking up some vibrations. Vibrations suggesting that today is Robbie Burns Day. I’m not sure why we celebrate a day in honour of a fictional cartoon boss from The Simpsons animated TV program, but if we get the day off because of it, I’m all in!!

No day off? What kind of cheap-ass holiday is that?

It would make more sense to celebrate that Scottish fellow, with the same name. You could tie a lot of things into something like that. You could eat haggis, read poetry – even slug back a few snorts of 25-year old Chivas. A wee dram, as a Scot might say.

To celebrate Mr. Burns, we’d have to do something related to operating a nuclear plant, which in my case could prove to be catastrophic. I’m still wondering what happened to my freckles, after watching a can of soup heat up in the microwave the other day. Seriously, give that machine some space when it’s operating…

Well, if I’m not going to get the day off to pay my respects to Mr. Robbie Burns, then screw him, AND his buck teeth! I choose instead to knock back a few glasses of Scotch, read a bit of poetry, and defrost a leg of lamb in the microwave.

From a healthy distance…

Chow for now!!

Has anyone out there got a spare dollop of BBQ sauce? About enough to coat say, a well-plucked chicken??

Just askin’…

Mrs. That Dan Guy & I went out last night to a little cocktail soiree – a delightful Client Appreciation evening thrown by the Realtor we dealt with, here in Calgary. Charlie and Cornelius wanted to attend, but with so many facilities going non-smoking at the beginning of the year, I couldn’t take the chance that they would have behaved themselves. Smoking or not, I have a hard time imagining Charlie behaving himself…

At any rate, the venue for the evening was an elegant downtown restaurant, Teatro – located directly outside a major Calgary theatre complex. We’ve always been curious about what the restaurant was like, so it was very opportune to be invited there. And, we have been short a few pieces of cutlery since we moved here, so we looked forward to finishing off our set – matching or not…

As we had expected, the place was pretty darn nice, and the food (hors d-oeuvres. Not actually horse, as far as we know) was to die for. They had some sort of jumbo shrimp that was almost worth getting into a fist fight over, and a mushroom crepe that was every bit as good.

And, the mingling was enjoyable also. A pretty good group of people, this fellow’s clientele. MTDG even ran into a colleague. Go figure.

We spent a few minutes watching people skate on the outdoor ice rink in the park beside the restaurant. A pretty darn good evening.

Chow for now!!

***********************************************

Man, is it ever getting tough to find new episodes of prime time television programs. You’d almost believe that they’ve cancelled all the shows!

Which, frankly, wouldn’t make the Earth stop turning, but think about watching nothing but football and infomercials. How long would it take before you turned your TV set into an aquarium? Which I suppose was easier back when you had those big honkin’ TV sets, and not these current flat screen models. You’d probably need to find some really skinny fish…

I heard on the news today that the writers and the producers will be getting back together for more discussions this week. Why hasn’t anybody considered taping this? Talk about a reality show!! Writers ask for an extra .00003 cents for every episode aired online. Producers erupt and bring in Donald Trump, who accidentally fires the entire kitchen staff. Hey, he’s getting older, and his eyes ain’t as good as they used to be…

I should probably pitch this idea to someone that can actually make it work, eh? (see that discreet bit of Canadiana I just slipped into that sentence??) This could be my ticket to untold riches!!!

I has a dream…

Chow for now!!

Fun Facts About Canada

(A new feature, which will likely appear whenever I remember that I have launched a new feature… )

So, I’d like to enlighten readers today with some fun facts about this crazy country I live in. Not knowing where my three readers may actually be located themselves, I have deduced that some may not actually be FROM Canada, and…taking that logic one step further, may not even know much about Canada itself.

So, I have determined that for potential readers in say…Cow Pasture, Lithuania…and “Good Morning” to y’all out there…I will start to include some Fun Facts About Canada, from time to time.

So, we’ll start off today with 6 generic bits of generally general knowledge about Canada.

1) Canada is enormous, but on average, about 97% empty. There’s more bare land than there are people living here. For support of this claim, just drive through Saskatchewan, and try finding evidence of settlement or civilization anywhere…
2) Canada has a very high sky. Even if you live in a big city, one of the things you will generally begin to notice about Canada is that the sky is way the hell up there, in the sky.
3) Canada has the largest population of mosquitoes in North America. And 87% of those live in Winnipeg…
4) Canada is home to The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. How often they get mounted is anybody’s guess…
5) Canada is the country of origin for The Canadian Goose – which will crap on beaches and golf courses anywhere, regardless of geographic location. Canadian geese are pretty lackadaisical that way…
6) Canada is one of the few places in the world where a spelling bee will include words like “toque”, “eh”, and “ou est les fenetres?”

Chow for now!

Caramba!

It is knee—knockin’ cold out there today (-21, but -30 with the wind chill)!! You could freeze an egg on the sidewalk, if you could find a sidewalk under all the snow…

Winter in Canada – the stuff that legends are made of. Legends of palm trees swaying, in some tropical paradise…

Oh well, hypothermia is the small price we have to pay to enjoy an abundance of beavers, and Tim Horton’s coffee.

Had some fun with Windows Vista yesterday, for anybody keeping score. Just for kicks it seems, the new operating system decides to “remove” a few functioning programs from time to time. This weekend it was my wireless keyboard and mouse.

When Vista decides to terminate something, it is damn efficient at disabled said peripheral or program. You virtually have to lure Harry Potter over, to invoke some sort of magical incantation, and even then - if Harry has forgotten to bring his eye-of-newt, you’re screwed.

Someday I will come to understand how this product is supposed to enhance my computing life. For now, I just try to find softer places on the wall to bang my head in frustration, and await the day I can send this Vista operating system to a cozy resting space at the bottom of the ocean. Any ocean. As long as it’s wet, and deep…

Chow for now!!

Man, you make one or two mentions about how “light” winter is so far this year, and suddenly you get two days of snowfall, and -17 temperatures. Go figure…the Gods Of Winter are testy….

So, I’ve spent the last couple of days shovelling the driveway, and knocking snow crystals off of my morning newspaper. We can no longer see the dull, brown grasses of our neighbourhood, once again covered under a carpet of white cloud droppings.

All of which makes it far more likely that we will stay indoors today, and sort out our vegetable crisper, or snap rubber bands at each other. We are easily amused, that way…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

BUK-AAAAAAAAAAAWWKKKK!!!!

Claws for concern!! Claws to be alarmed!

Dear Great Chicken, if this is a dream, PLEASE let me wake up now!! I promise, I will swear off Bacardi Jell-O shooters FOREVER!!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I’m pretty sure I was watching Matlock last night. Yeah, yeah - that’s the ticket. Matlock. A cluckin’ Matlock marathon. Too much Andy Griffith – ya gotta start hallucinatin’, right??

I gotta get to detox. I gotta join the celebrity bandwagon, and get off the wagon. If I had any feathers left, I’d hafta get plucked, to cleanse my sorry butt-aaawks!! This is worse than my last trip to Amsterdam!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Mama Mia, if I don’t wake up RIGHT AWAY, I’m gonna drive to the nearest Colonel Sanders Chicken Ranch, and offer myself up to the program. THAT’LL wake me up, that’s for cluckin’ sure!!!!!!!!!

Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O…..


HELP!!!!!!!!!!!

Snap out of it, man…this is just a bad Polish sausage dream sequence! You’re alright. You’re nestled in your cozy little bed, and Banjo Boy is off somewhere doing sumthin’ stupid. All is well in the world.
All is well in the world…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

Cluck!! For now!! Wake up!!!!!

An Absence Of Dignity....

Chow for now!

The Thursday Morning "Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway" Concert Review - George Carlin

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer...)

Funny. Funny, funny, funny...

Chow for now!

The Wednesday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To, But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review – Michael Bublé.

(or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer…)

OK, there seems to be a pattern emerging here, one we see at more and more live shows. It must be our advancing years or something. The pattern is – the vast majority of concerts we attend now seem to feature orchestras. As did Mr. Bublé last night at the Saddledome. A sold-out Saddledome no less…

This show was one we were both looking forward to, and may have been one of the most “fun” shows we’ve been to. He was having a ball onstage, and doing everything he could to ensure we did the same, even up in the cheap seats. He turned a lumbering hockey arena into an intimate Vegas showroom, and channelled all the playfulness of the old Rat Pack, as he trotted out his versions of classic big band swing, and contemporary crooning.

Being a Canadian touring through the Canada leg of his worldwide wander, he did a groovy version of “Fever”, which he intro’d into with a smoky jazz remake of Stompin’ Tom Connors “The Hockey Song”. A total hoot!!

Of course, I may come across as a bit biased here…

But you can’t help it. For all the guff this guy took early in his career as a Sinatra wannabe, he showcased why he’s selling out arenas in 40 countries. He’s the real deal – buckets of talent, loads of charm, and as evidenced by the ladies in the crowd last night – a whole caboodle of sex appeal. Me, I just like his singing…

However, whenever I see a show with a big orchestra, and a crooner like Bublé, I can’t help but be reminded of something I’ve never been able to live down – our first trip to Las Vegas. Where I refused to shell out a staggering $45 per person, to see Harry Connick Jr. Instead, I picked up MTDG and I tickets for the show in our own hotel, “Playboy’s Girls of Rock & Roll” (I kid you not) for a mere $10. per person, in The Sweaty Palm Lounge. We were the only couple in the room. Rarely does a day go by without a reminder of that decision…

At any rate – if you’re a fan, you know his music, and he did all his hits, plus the cover tunes that got him where he is today. A highlight was opening act Naturally 7 returning to the stage as part of a gospel choir, to kick the bejeebers out of “That’s Life”. Freakin’ astounding.

As you might guess, two thumbs up…

Chow for now!!

Big wind storm last night. Gusts up to 100 kilometres an hour! That’s almost as fast as an Olympic sprinter on steroids!!

Speaking of steroids, I saw a news scroll on TV this morning, suggesting that R & B singer Mary J. Blige is being investigated for steroid use. How exactly is that a problem? Will she have an unfair vocal range advantage over other singers, or will it just enable her to beat Britney Spears to the next Dr. Phil session?

Inquiring minds…

Hey, how often do YOU hear phrases like:


“That bloody chicken!”

Or:

“Keep that goddam chicken out of my bed!!”

We live with two rubber chickens, both being far cheaper to maintain than kids or real animals. However, the latest addition to the Such Is Life household (Cornelius) is…um…inquisitive, I guess I would say. He turns up in the strangest places.

I think we’ve actually started to play Chicken Tag, where we will both cautiously open doors and lift covers, to see if he may be hiding there. Whoever finds him is then “it”.

Yes, we lead a sad and pathetic life, here in the Such Is Life household…

Chow for now!!

7 minutes.

That’s how long we lingered with the Golden Globes “newscast” last night. What a stinker!

I thought that the People’s Choice Awards was a bad enough presentation format, but without a doubt, that effort may be worthy of an Emmy (if the writers ever quit striking) nomination, compared to the snorefest that was the retooled Golden Globes.

Not that we live and breathe by these award shows here in the Such Is Life household, but once a year, you get a guilty pleasure out of celebrities and wannabes dressing up, and suffering through 3-4 hours of taping, hoping in the slim chance that they may walk away with a little glass globe, or gilded doll.

Actually, I think that our 7 minutes may have been padded a bit, as we were both occupied with other things while the broadcast was going on. The sheer painfulness forced us to move away from the show. Those hosts (from one of those faux celebrity news magazine shows – I will admit to not having a clue which one) were abysmal. Interjecting their own opinions among the announcements, gave the show all the class of an elementary school washroom. It would have been better if they at least had members of the Hollywood Foreign Press, or even Screech from “Saved By The Bell” – he’s got more credibility than the two they enlisted to MC the shindig. Ugh!!!!

Wattaya gonna do? The beat goes on, and next up – The Academy Awards. Held in a Denny’s with a partial view of the Hollywood sign, by a co-host of Celebrity Night Court, and Danny DeVito’s third cousin.

That’s entertainment!!

Chow for now!!

Yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I finally decided to check out The Glenbow Museum, where “The World Meets The West”. If I’m not mistaken, the name is derived from “gle”, which is ancient Greek for “Washrooms On The Fourth Floor”, and “nbow”, which is aboriginal for “Now Accepting American Express”.

This adventure has been on our to-do list since we arrived here in Calgary, but with all the live shows and trips we take, it has been virtually impossible to squeeze in. However, there was a huge installation of Emily Carr works, entitled “New Perspectives On A Canadian Icon”, which MTDG was rather insistent we see.

For the uninitiated, Emily Carr is one of Canada’s most famous landscape and First Nation’s artists, with the single irony that considering her last name, apparently never painted automobiles. Go figure…

I should probably clarify, she wasn't First Nations herself, she travelled Canada documenting First Nations, and aboriginal icons (totem poles and such).

The Glenbow Museum is a misleading structure. You have no idea of the enormity of the collection until you start walking. Even with breaks and a brief shot of a defibrillator (I’m fine now), it took us five flippin’ hours!!

However, it was well worth the investment of our afternoon. The Emily Carr collection was astounding – we had no idea of the varying range of styles she exhibited during her career. Some of her work even resembled that European guy, Vinnie Van Gogh.

The balance of the museum was a diverse blend of history – Asia, Africa, First Nations, and at least one large buffalo. He may have just gotten lost in there himself though…

One display was a bit disappointing, we have to admit. “Dream: A Tale Of Wonder, Wisdom & Wishes” was fairly dull. Imagine those glow-in-the-dark stars you put on your child’s bedroom ceiling, and that was pretty much it.

All in all, there’s just so much to see. We got herded out at closing time with the very last section pretty much done. With what we did see, we agreed on giving the joint two hearty thumbs up.

But they were awfully tired thumbs…

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

Fooof….

Fooof….

Fooof….

Hey, can’t talk right now, I’m cluckin’ scuba divin’’!! You’ll have to read my mind this morning. Salt water makes me think of chicken noodle soup, so I need to keep my yap shut!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!!

So, despite reports earlier in the week that I may have been slow-cooked, I am clearly still away on my holiday, and currently underwater. If I still had my feathers, I’d be one soggy bird. I will say, it is pretty hard to keep my smoke lit right now…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

And, I can tell ya, I ain’t missin’ Canada any, right now. Keep the snow and cold, I just might make my coop here permanent! They worship chickens down here! I’m treated like royalty – the way they keep feedin’ me, I’m practically porkin’ out! A couple more pounds, a bit more waddle, and I’m legally a duck.

Man, this scuba divin’ is somethin’ else, lemme tell ya! Although, fish seem to be a little on the dim side, mentally speakin’. Not much for conversation. And I gotta say, it smells a bit fishy down here, the longer ya stay… I don’t think these guys shower very often…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

I’m huntin’ for buried treasure this mornin’. I need to fund my extra-particular activities, and rum ain’t as cheap as ya might figure, given my tropical location. If I can score a few gold doubloons, I can also pick up a few decent cigars, maybe a air-conditioned room at the hotel. Lemme tell ya, sweaty poultry bumps don’t seem to be that big a hit with the chicks down here, capeesh??

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, I see what might be either a shipwreck, or a Buick. I’m goin’ in!!

Cluck for now!!

January 11th. Or, for my continuing “funky number” thing – 1/11…

We are clearing our plates here at the Such Is Life household, for this weekend’s presentation of the 2008 Golden Globes. Due to the ongoing writer’s strike, it will be a press conference, rather than the typical glitzy affair, with big Hollywood stars and horribly-written jokes. Should be interesting. Like taking driving lessons from Britney Spears…

We also watched one-half of the historic “Talk Show Trade-off” last night, where Jimmy Kimmel appeared on The Tonight Show, and Jay Leno was set to appear on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Some pretty funny stuff on Leno, can’t wait to see the second half.

Seeing as how today’s posting is rather dry (OK, totally boring), I’ll leave you all with one of my favourite childhood jokes. Not a typical scenario for this space, but desperate times call for desperate measures:

What’s green, and sings?























Elvis Parsley!!!!

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chow for now!!

Yesterday, I may have misled readers, regarding Mrs. That Dan Guy’s habit of snoring like a 25-pound mosquito on steroids, whilst sleeping. She is flat-out denying this occurrence, most likely because she’s asleep while doing so, and entirely unaware that the noise she does make would register on the Richter Scale.

I, on the other hand (a gentle, soothing hand) make less sound while sleeping than a wave gently lapping at a shoreline, than a feather lying on a pillow.

However, MTDG would lead you to believe that I, a documented Light Sleepy Breather, am the culprit in this (totally forced) drama. I say, NOT GUILTY!!

Hey, do chickens snore?????

Chow for now!!

Umnmnmnmnnnnn……….

Pretty tired this morning. Not sure why, we went to bed at a reasonable hour last night. Although, it could have had something to do with Mrs. That Dan Guy snoring like a condor with nasal congestion, once she drifted off…

Funny, you’d think that I might be the one that snores in this household, but apparently (as far as I’m aware), I typically purr like a kitten – a gentle, soothing purr, that assists with relaxing Mrs. That Dan Guy, as she drifts off to saw logs with a two-toothed chainsaw.

I’m not sure why that is. I guess I’m just a light sleeper, so my breathing patterns must just follow suit, and sound like light cotton, floating on a warm summer breeze – like soap bubbles, rising every so quietly from one of those little soap bubble blowy thingies…

I’m like a human relaxation CD, without the forest noises, and babbling brooks!!

You know, I should probably pursue the possibilities of marketing my “Soothing Sounds Of Sleepytime” – maybe I could get Mrs. That Dan Guy to record me, whilst she stays awake, so as not to have the repetitive sound of a jet engine backfiring, in the background…

I must explore this some more!!

Chow for now!

Frankly, I just don’t know how we’re going to recover from this…

I awoke today to news that The Golden Globes have been cancelled, and The Academy Awards may very well suffer the same fate. NO AWARDS SHOWS???????? For the love of Pete, what are we expected to watch?? News? CNN? Cooking and exercise programs??

You can get important, breaking news (Britney Spears Packs Green Peas Into Ears, Dr. Phil Advises On Fertilizers!)on just about any old channel or show, but NO AWARDS SHOWS!! For the love of Pete, how many red carpets will suffer because of this outrageous decision? Will Joan Rivers need to discuss fashion as common people come and go from a Wal-Mart in Idaho?

I’ve been OK with regular prime-time shows winding down, because this has allowed us to start watching the “History Of Ecru Poodles” DVD box set we ordered off of late-nite info-mercials, back in October. Fascinating, let me tell you…

However, we LIVE for awards show, here in the Such Is Life household. LIVE for them, I tell you! Why, we still have a European MTV Music Awards show on file that we need to clear off, as soon as we learn how to select the proper bow for an ecru poodle’s hair.

Writers, PLEASE – make an agreement with Hollywood, before we lose The Academy Awards! Is being fairly compensated really more important than allowing America to watch Teri Hatcher give out the award for “Best Assistant Audio Technician In A Silent Film”??

Think of the little people…

Chow for now!!

I know that the last we had heard, Charlie was enjoying some warm weather somewhere – I didn’t realize it may have been a crockpot!! Pass the potatoes!

************************************************************************

You know, it’s getting harder and harder to believe that it’s winter, where we park our own cabooses. There hasn’t been any new snow in ages (not that I’m complaining, mind you), the thermometer has been rather mild, and my toque is starting to get just a little bit dusty. I think I like these winter Chinooks…

Another clue could’ve been the penguin I saw hitchhiking yesterday, trying to get over to Winnipeg…

So, with such a lovely stretch of mild weather in early December, does this mean I can dust off the Speedo for a trip to the beach in February? Can I start planning my siestas in the backyard sun, just a few weeks from now?

Will NHL hockey have to start winding up by early March? Which reminds me, I’ve been REALLY lax in my contributions to NHL Bloggers the past little while, so PLEASE, visit those fine folks, and peruse that fine area of Blogger…

Well, looks like yet another warm winter day today, so I better get crackin’. I have to mow the lawn, and trim back the rose bushes. Oh well, it’s better than having to carve my way out of an 8’ snow drift, if you get my drift!!

Chow for now!!

CHARLIE!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

Chicken Scratch

Well, baste my buns and call me crispy – I’m so relaxed right now I could poop!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Happy Saturday, my featherless human friends. Ole Charlie decided to cut loose from Winterland, and hit the beach! While all you saps (includin’ my roommates) freeze yer patooties off, I’m getting’ a healthy golden glow on my poultry bumps, WITHOUT layin’ in a pan at 450°! Plus, the view here at the beach ain’t so bad, neither…summa you humans can really pull off a thong…

I prefer to keep my location a secret, otherwise there’d be a stampede ‘a flaky goofballs, which I ain’t in the mood to deal with right now. I need ta rest these old bones – see how salt water softens up my achin ‘ole claws.

I also need ta get this cluckin’ suntan lotion outta my eyeballs – it’s makin’ me look weepy!!

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah, this is the pluckin’ life! I got me a hang-glidin’ date later this afternoon, and I got a keg chillin’ back in my hotel room. Once I’ve guzzled my body weight in barley an hops, I’ll see how many sea shells I can huck inta the roof of my room.

Well, better get back to the task at hand here, fleshies. While yer out freezin’ yer tootsies off wherever ya are, I got a pineapple sweatin’ beside me.

It’s a good day…

Buk-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck for now, losers!!

Sasquatch.
Bigfoot.
Yeti.
All of those folks (or just one, under different names for different cultures) could stand to use a shot of deodorant now and then…

Is this the first weekend of 2008? I really should consult a calendar, but I’d bet money that this is indeed the first weekend of 2008.

Hey speaking of betting, did I already mention that we went to check out the brand-spanking new Grey Eagle Casino, here in Calgary? No spanking, but it is one heck of a huge casino. And bingo, but frankly, bingo has no appeal for us. Too much like math with all those numbers.

We went on New Year’s Day, and after some initial success, we managed to come to understand how they keep their doors open. We said some final goodbyes to our money, as we headed out the door. Man, when you don’t win, casinos are a really bad thing!! A bit of a racket, actually. Nicely decorated mind you, but a racket nonetheless.

So, speaking of Las Vegas, I have yet to make my first visit to any of the various websites that indicate who (performers) may be coming to that sleepy little burg. I’m slipping, I guess. Maybe later today, after The Price Is Right…

Finally, some parting words of advice: I know this should probably go without saying (at least now I do), but sneaking up and surprising sleeping rottweilers is NOT a good idea, no matter how funny it is when you do it to your partner…

Chow for now!!

Whoa! Seems I had a Bobby Ewing moment yesterday! I had this weird dream that 2008 had already passed by. And the worst part – Microsoft had already launched a new operating system!! I shouldn’t have woken up…

Happily, it was all a dream, and the New Year is just getting underway. Getting underway with the return of late-night talk show hosts! Bearded no less, from what we saw of David Letterman, and Conan the Irish. I recorded Leno, but have yet to see if he also has embraced facial fur… I can confirm that Craig Ferguson had a naked face, last night.

Letterman was a gas last night, with Robin Williams as his first guest. That’s like unleashing a tornado in a mobile home park – all hell breaks loose, you just have to stay out of the way. A good note to return on. And CBS’ (Letterman’s) gang of companies is back officially, having cut a deal with the striking Writer’s Guild. Now, if only the management company for David Hasselhoff Productions could listen to reason…

Better fly – I actually have things to do today. Really!

Chow for now!!

Well, with the New Year pretty much passed-by already, what were your major achievements in 2008? Did you do what you wanted to do? Did you change your life for the better? Did you get those hair plugs you were thinking about??

Well, here at the Such Is Life household, 2008 was pretty tame. Mrs. That Dan Guy talked me out of sending a package of loose Carpenter ants to Microsoft headquarters, and I tried with little success to master the mini-bongo I received for Drum Quest 2007. Man, that seems like such a long time ago now…

Looking forward to 2009, I must admit to being just a bit nervous about MS Windows’ new operating system – “Burnt Ozone”. Considering I never was able to make “Vista” work back in 2008, I hold little to no hope for “Ozone”…

May the programmers of these operating systems develop toothpicks in the bottom of their feet, before they begin barefoot Jumping Jacks on pavement...

Our joint exercise program for 2008 was also doomed, once the networks brought back Leno & Letterman, which we get here on early Eastern feeds. We are prisoners on our own reclining sofa…although we are fed better than prisoners you see in movies.

So, as 2008 comes to a close, we must prepare for more frivolous goals and resolutions for 2009, which we will very likely dash by mid-day, January 1.

Time flies….

Chow for now!!

(Whoa! Yesterday was my 666th post!! 2007 ends in the devil's hands!!)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A new year, a new conflict with Windows Vista, the operating system that makes a horse and buggy look like a Ferrari…

Today, trying to simply get online and post a few bits of silliness (as I try to do every day), my computer failed to recognize my mouse. OK, it’s wireless, but come on – even a friggin’ 1970’s Atari game system should be capable of working with something that you’ve loaded by a CD. Apparently, that’s asking too much of Windows Vista, which makes a butter churn look like the Land ‘O Lakes dairy plant.

Not only does this idiotic operating system get punked by wireless peripherals, it even gives a big “Doh” to the rest of the computer. I had to crash the system to shut it off, as even the built-in mouse couldn’t remember whether or not it liked cheese anymore.

Thank you, Windows Vista (which makes two tins cans and a strand of binder twine look like Bell AT & T), for getting my new year off to such a delightful start…

May every programmer involved with this boondoggle develop sandpaper between their thighs, just after signing up for a major marathon…

Chow for now!!