The tooth and/or sinus pain persists. Now a dull ache, but an infernal, incessant ache nonetheless.

However, it is getting better, even if it may take until spring 2012 to get there.

On the allergy testing front, the dermatologist’s staff took off the shallow ice cube trays they had taped to my back for the past couple of days, and mapped out circles in an ultraviolet pen. Friday, they’ll observe my reaction, and hopefully confirm that I am aggressively allergic to fruit, vegetables, and exercise.

Chow for now!

This is my third attempt at loading this post today. I lost the entire effort I composed earlier, and then a subsequent second version.

This is what you get - email me if you're curious, otherwise, I'm not going through the effort again.

Chow for now.

And how was YOUR week?

An entertaining week in the Such Is Life household, at least for That Dan Guy - not that MTDG got off much easier, living it vicariously through me...

I’ve been fighting some sort of sinus, toothache, Universe-created Dan torture device for much of the week, which has delayed my latest audio interview. Hoping to get that done today, tomorrow morning the latest...stay tuned on that front.

On a positive note, the discomfort (ie: blinding pain, throbbing discomfort, general discombobulation) forced me to try and see the doctor that replaced our former, beloved family physician, who has sadly left the country. Her replacement arrives at the clinic by a leisurely 3 PM - and has yet to impress us in just a few visits to date.

So, I tried a walk-in clinic in our new neighbourhood, and discovered that even in their own large, multi-room office, only one doctor was on duty, handling both pre-booked appointments, and wayward souls foolish enough to believe in any such animal as a “walk-in clinic”. Not having packed a lunch or 8-12 hours of Find The Word puzzles, I dragged my pain-wracked body out to much display, which didn’t even hazard a glance from the receptionist.

I ended up at the medical facility adjacent to our local shopping mall, where we go anyway for blood work and x-rays (once found my missing house key - don’t ask...). Not only did they have a full complement of polite and helpful staff at the reception desk, but the doctor that saw me (within the same day - how progressive!!) utilized a blend of natural remedies, in addition to pre-prescribing me the antibiotics that seem to be finally bringing my chipmunk cheek down to a cherubic chub.

Yesterday, you may have heard about the nor-easter that blew through town, literally. It closed most of downtown, blowing out office building windows, and toupees from oil patch executives. Their young wives weren’t even able to chase the hairpieces down fast enough in the gusts, but thankful squirrels are busily insulating their winter nests with the Trump-brand flying follicles.

Here at home, ice pack on my cheek, I heard the sound of a freight train passing by our yard, which caused me to look outside, not living anywhere near train tracks. It was out the window that I noticed our neighbour’s fence. In the pine tree behind our own home.

Don’t ask why, but I felt compelled to go out and rescue the damned thing. Which backfired when the screws protruding scratched my hand open, temporarily distracting me from the throbbing beat of my expanded sinus.

That would have been pleasurable enough, but as I dropped the fence panel to truly gather up enough extension to curse at the top of my lungs, my hat blew off. Turning to chase it, the wind blew a tree branch over my forehead, caressing the area below my epidermis (the underdermis??) - I’m single-handedly keeping the Band-Aid company dividends well above normal levels.

Screw the fence I finally deduced, as I returned to the safety of our home. Only to hear a loud crash - from the patio table overturning and shattering into a million little pieces (apologies to James Frey) - which is how I came to open the bottle of vodka MTDG found in the empties pile later in the evening...

Today, I had test strips and duct tape adhered to my back for the rest of this week - it just gets better....

Chow for now...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

HEY!

I ain't the one with tha clogged sinus holes!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Does x-rays cook yer goose???

HALP!!!!!

Cluck fer now.........

Chicken, and pending podcast interview postponed until tomorrow, and/or Monday.

Went to Doc yesterday, interesting blend of prescription and naturopathic options to try clearing up this sinus issue. Some relief, but no sleep due to MTDG's schedule are keeping me foggy, unfocused, and...wow - can you see those bats???

Chow for now...

Ugh....

This sinus issue is really taking the steam out of me. No sleep night before last, and had to get up again last night to try and settle it down. I've shot more salt up my nostrils than you'll find on the average small order of fast-food fries.

Have to see the doc today for some relief, but first hopefully a short nap...

Later....

Chow for now.

Battling some kind of sinus issue the last few days. I think there’s a bug in there, or maybe it’s inflamed. What do funky sinuses (sini??) do to give a person grief?

All I know is that it is friggin’ throbbing off and on - even woke me up in the wee hours of  the morning. Watched a bit of TV with an icepack on my cheek - it is a glamorous life I lead.

And considering that’s the piece I chose to go with for today’s post, I really need to consider getting a life...

Chow for now!

“Flawtography By Dan” - Episode #011

Tom Jones

In 2009, Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were walking through Central Park in New York City, when I had to do a double take. Then, later in the day, we walked right by legendary Welsh superstar Tom Jones!!

This is a shot from right beside him, just a few feet away from a voice and sheer raw sexuality that has launched thousands of panties over the years. It was a little overwhelming, but I managed to keep mine on. Frankly, I'm sure he prefers to actually see them coming, as opposed to being blind-sided...

Please, ask permission if you plan on using it anywhere...

Chow for now!

I always wonder what’s going on - on my back. Being behind me and all, it evades my general attention, which means literally ANYTHING could be happening back (no pun intended) there.

I know hair grows, even where the sun don’t shine. I know freckles congregate. But what else may happen there over the course of the day is anybody’s guess.

For all I know, Texas Hold ’Em poker tournaments, math quizzes, or heated arguments between my shoulder blades occur without my ever bearing witness. I know there are frequent gaseous emissions back there, so maybe environmental protests occur?

I might try fitting a camera to the inside of my shirt, and see if I can get the skinny where there ain’t any skinny.

I’ll keep you posted...

Chow for now!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken....)

“Ah buleeve ah kin fly....

Ah buleeve ah kin touch tha sky...”

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hoppin' horny toads, I muss be dreamin’!!

Either that, or I should look fer sum pearly gates - I ain’t never hopped this high before!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Wut the cluck - wuz that a jet??

Haveta start watchin’ how many Tylenol I take, usually I’z only floatin’ if I gotta hit tha biffy real bad...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Funny, I can’t feel ma hands - oh. No, I ain’t got hands - but I think ma wings is gonna come in awfully handy up here!!

If I could only smell somethin’ familiar, to know that I’m still alive. Ma cigarette, a hot cup of coffee....Banjo Boy’s constant gas - ANYTHIN’!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Calm down, Chuck - this hasta be a dream. In ma vershun a heaven, ma sofa is made outta Marlboro’s, and these clouds would tasty like cotton candy. Soaked in beer. 

Sumthin’ ain’t addin’ up....

I’m just gonna close ma eyes, click ma claws together, and hope I wake up sumwhere familear. I’d even settle for seein’ Lozenge Head again....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck. Fer Now. I hope...

Made an executive decision this morning - bumping Charlie to Monday morning. Not sure who’s going to be more upset - the bird, or readers that skip the weekend post to avoid him :-)

Last day today, of my three-day writing intensive. Considering I’m teaching humour-writing, it seems incongruous to say “intensive”...

 Better run - still gathering pieces for today’s session.

Chow for now!!

Stage West Calgary
"Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

The official Calgary Herald Review!

http://www.calgaryherald.com/entertainment/Joseph+Technicolor+coat+looking+good+Stage+West/5735360/story.html?cid=megadrop_story

(Charlie bumped to tomorrow...)

Just a quickie (post) today. I’m frantically putting last-minute tweaks and adjustments into my 3-day “Add Some Funny To YOUR Writing” weekend intensive, which starts tonight. I think it’s going to be an action-packed weekend, and every time I think I have everything in there that I want to convey to the attendees, something else pops into my mind. At some point, I will just have to settle down and presume that I have enough course material to choke a water buffalo...

So, it may be an entire weekend of truncated posts, but there should be posts of some sort.

Fasten your seatbelts!!

Uhh, if you’re not attending, I suppose that’s not really not going to be necessary...

Carry on!

Chow for now!!

PS - My official Calgary Herald review of Stage West Calgary’s current production of “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” should be out soon. I’ll post that when it is available online!

My New Dream (literally, Any Dream Will Do...)


I’ve never really fully explored the world of yodeling. While I may not be able to carry a tune in a suitcase, yodeling seems to allow for a little more...umm...vocal wiggle room when it comes to anyone knowing that you may be entirely untalented.

I don’t know that you necessarily HAVE to be Swiss to be considered an amateur or professional yodeler. I imagine even Japan must harbour the odd yodeler or two.

Lords knows I’ve survived enough karaoke in my day, but I can’t recall hearing many yodelers. I could be on to something - a niche of unmined riches?? With an orchestra, how cool would that be?

Any time that I have seen a yodeler, it’s pretty much been an imitation of a tomcat having his whiskers pulled out. If I were to add a little something - say, perhaps...ABBA!!!

The Yodeling BJORN. Man, I think I’m actually on to something this time...

Chow for now. Oh-De Lay-Dee-WHooooooo.....

"Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat"

Stage West Calgary

(photo courtesy Stage West Calgary) 

The Wednesday Morning “Somebody-Asked-Me-To, So-Here-I-Go” Entertainment Review: 

Stage West Calgary’s Production of “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat”...

(or, The Early Review - official Calgary Herald review to follow!)

I will confess right up front that I wasn’t all that familiar with this enduringly popular piece of musical theatre. I only knew that 70‘s pop star Donny Osmond had a successful revival run with it, and that it may have been based on a Dolly Parton song.

Turns out it’s so much more - a Bible-based morality parable touching on jealousy, overcoming adversity, redemption, and a compelling lesson in how to squeeze the largest cast I’ve ever seen onto a medium-sized stage.

To director and choreographer Liz Gilroy’s credit, the seamless shifts between scenes with so many people onstage is almost another Biblical miracle. The cast by itself is super-sized, but add in the children that form the rapt recipients of the narrator’s telling of the tale (as it literally unfolds on stage), and you have some massive traffic control concerns when Egyptian  maidens are shimmying to a 60’s rock groove...

Of all the productions I’ve seen here at Stage West over the years, this may have been about the tightest group yet. The gang of about a dozen brothers of Joseph were flawless in their vocals, no matter what style they were singing - and there are many musical styles in this early Tim Rice/Andrew Lloyd Webber effort - almost as many styles as Joseph’s coat has...technicolors...

I will further confess to being a sucker for choirs, even if they are pint-sized. The children’s choir for this production enthusiastically jumped in when their roles required it, and sat patiently for those sections as observers.

I also really enjoyed the nicely assigned set pieces. I don’t know why images of Egypt make me think of Las Vegas casinos, but the costumes, set and props here worked well to set the stage.

A few times the band drowned out the actors, but overall there were moments for many to shine. As I mentioned earlier, this cast has an abundance of strength in the vocal department.

I do wonder if morality tales have lost a bit of their edge for a generation that learns their life lessons from reality TV competitions. Even though you knew the finale was unfolding, and forgiveness and redemption were imminent, I personally didn’t feel any emotion over the ending. Do we need to update our parables to have Jeff Probst extinguishing a tiki torch? Time will tell.

You know, as for the creators of this show (Rice/Webber), if they stick with this line of work, they could have a career in musical theatre - some of those songs are downright catchy!.

As for “Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” - great music, sparkly costumes, and a wealth of talent - all in all, great seasonal fare!

I’ll be submitting my official Calgary Herald review, and will post a link here when that runs. Also check back for my interview with the director and “Joseph”, actor David Cotton.  

Chow for now!!

Woke Up With A Whopper....

...of a headache...

have to shrug it off though - busy, busy busy.

My writing course is indeed a go this weekend, so I only have a few days to smooth out any wrinkles. Technically, I actually have to build the wrinkles, the skin and the bones - but hey, I work best under pressure :-)

Also I’ll be writing a couple of reviews over the next few days on top of that obligation, plus the usual taxi service I provide daily for Mrs. That Dan Guy. Crappy tipper, by the way....

So, heating pad on my neck, Tylenol in my tum tum - and we’re off to the races.

Let the games begin!!

Chow for now...

NO POST TODAY

I would just like to announce that there will be no blog post today. Occasionally, these mornings arise where try as I may, try as I might - there is nothing. Zip. Zero. The cranium is vacant.

Most days that happens, I try and cover up with some silly bit about how I “have nothing”. Today will not be one of those days. I respect my reader(s) too much to try and pass off a sow’s ear as a silk purse. Sure, you could say that pretty much every day here is a sow’s ear to some degree, but hey, you’re the one reading this stuff!

No, I am completely at peace with knowing that I am going to sacrifice consistency for substance. Some stands are just worth taking, like when a guy pees. Especially if he’s been driving for a really long time, and he finally finds a rest room that looks like it might not be harbouring serial killers finding their victims along major highway systems.

I think it’s actually my sacred duty to hold back from an obvious “phoning it in” post, when I don’t really have a valid topic to expand upon, and share. Although, it would be really cool if I could phone it in, as my two-finger typing style has resulted in two really buff index fingers, beside eight other fat, atrophied hand digits. Kind of like how Popeye has really big biceps, but a body that otherwise defies the science of muscular development. It’s like Sylvester Stallone’s arms on Shia Labeouf. Whose last name is technically “The Beef” in French, by the way - which is kinda funny, considering his scrawny physique. Ou est Labeouf? Pas de beouf, Shia....

But, I ramble. Let’s just say here that I am truly sorry. I have nothing, and that’s what you’re getting here today. A blank cheque. A barren page. Tumbleweeds of the word processor.

Suck it up, buttercup.

Chow for now!!

Maybe the worm is turning?

We sure didn’t hit the jackpot on 11 11 11, but that could be due to not actually participating in anything that might have brought that option forward.

Mrs. That Dan Guy DID find that dime on the ground though, which has to count for something. Plus, when I went to pick her up between her two jobs on the 11th, a guy offered me his ticket for the downtown parkade. Which had actually expired two hours before ( he must have been having a good chuckle as he drove away), but didn’t matter to me, as I just sit in the car and wait. However, it did alert me to something which we hadn’t known before. The lot right behind MTDG’s workplace is...LOT #11....

Also a possible sign of turnaround - just a few days ago I was informed that my upcoming class (“Add Some Funny To YOUR Writing”) was likely to be cancelled, due to low registration. However, I got an e-mail that it now looks to be going ahead after all. Not exactly the gainful full-time employment I’m looking for, but a few bucks to help out anyhow.

Onwards and upwards, 11 (and your friends 11 & 11). Let’s see if this Year Of Harvest is more than just smoke blowing up my a##...

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie “Fallon” Chicken...)

Won’t You Pop Ma Balloon?

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Won’t You Pop Ma Balloon??

http://www.latenightwithjimmyfallon.com/video/wont-you-pop-my-balloon-11111/1365780/ 

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Pop ma balloon, ya featherless cluckhead...

Cluck fer now...

Whoo-Hoo!

Woot Woot!!

11 11 11

I await The Universe, lay it on me baby!!

Until my 11 11 ship comes in, I am passing time trying t guess how many peas are in this can of Friendly Giant Sweet Peas. It’s a fairly good size for a can, so it would likely be more than a hundred, but less than a thousand.

I’m taking a bit of a scientific approach to this effort - presuming that for every inch of can, there is likely about 87 peas. The can is approximately 5 1/2 inches high...multiply by 87....which would lead me to believe that there are...less than 1000, definitely.

Once I find my calculator, I will confirm that. After I’ve submitted my guess to the prize committee, I will empty the can of peas, and begin the laborious task of confirming my guess. Hey, I only have to be closest to the actual amount - with only one entry, I have a pretty good chance of winning.

I fervently hope that if I do win, it isn’t my entire 11 11 11 windfall....

Chow for now!!

Taking It Back

I am officially cooling to the prospect of leaving our future to the mercy of fresh-faced mopes in HR offices, fending off “mature” applicants (like we are Lord Voldemort), in hopes of discovering “talent” in 14-year olds.

Recent changes and opportunities have reminded me that I have better things to do than worry about sculpting an application to appeal to someone that can’t even spell “application”, let alone stay out past their school night curfew.

My writing regularly appears across Canada. My digital efforts are attracting followers on four to five continents on a regular basis. One recent MC gig was more gratifying than a week’s worth of trying to scale the fences of recruiting software, only to presume that my efforts will get sorted out by myriads of filters that only pick up on “awesome”, “like, wow”, or “Kardashian”.

Screw it, I say - focus on what works, and quit banging your head against impregnable walls.

Ironically, on that note, after turning to more practical and modern alternate efforts to keep our spirits up here in the Such Is Life household, my turned back to conventional “faith” will be turned back around for my upcoming Stage West review.

“Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat” . Go figure...you can run....

Chow for now!

Off to see the doc today, for the followup on Mrs. That Dan Guy’s last round of surgery. We’re hoping that we get a clean bill of health this time around, and that she can get on with what passes for our life these days.

As for me, I think I have become partially dyslexic while typing. Every frigging time I try and type “the”, it comes up “teh”. Also, when I type “Chow for now”, I occasionally find “Chow fro now” - which is also somewhat annoying.

!woN roF wohC

Interesting...

No matter how many letters I “type” onto this space, the white space continues to grow underneath, entirely unaffected. I’m talking entirely. Unaffected.

I wonder if I can scroll down, and start typing backwards?

Nope. That just erases what I’ve posted before. How confounding...

It’s like a bottomless pit of whiteness!

You know, even in reference to a virtual page, that just sounds wrong...

Chow for now!

Hey, my national column is online super-early this month:

http://www.remonline.com/home/?p=10354

OK, technically it’s at my wife’s expense, but she can’t be the only one out there doing this!

Chow for now!

Reminders...

I attended the 8th Annual Canadian Diabetes Fall Forum yesterday. Technically, I did more than attend. As a long-time volunteer I was tapped to be this year’s MC, which was a new experience, having simply manned the CDA display table in the past.

Here’s the funny thing - despite being still at least neck-deep in what seems like the longest possible stretch of bad luck conceivable, the simple act of being visible in a high profile event led to my being approached repeatedly throughout the day. Between questions that I had to steer to actual experts, and stories of personal struggles with diabetes (and more), I felt a bit like Dr. Phil, or maybe Dr. Pepper - all I did was listen and steer people in the right direction. But the feeling was a nice reminder of better times, and what we are both working to get back towards.

Interesting...

I actually felt so swell, I didn’t even swipe the boxes of Kleenex from the public washrooms in the hotel, which I had been scoping out earlier in the day.

Chow for now!!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger...Charlie Chicken....)

ANGRY BIRD!! ANGRY BIRD!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Me and Pig here is demonstratin’ tha amminosity between pigs and birds, which appeers so popular in tha Smartphone games. Pig has taken over ma home, so I gotta fly thru a slingshot ta evict him. Why don’t hoomans do this fer deadbeat renters???

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ackshualy, since ma car insurance expired, mebbe I could convince Pig ta ride me around - groceries, haircut - that kinda thing?? 

That, or introduce him ta sum eggs an toast....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Now, why couldn’t I have invented this stoopid game? The hoomans have just gotten addicted to tha silly thing, and eventually, it will get into tha antique tellyphones that the hoomans here use. Can ya play games on tin cans attached ta strings?

Hey! 

Pig!! Less burritos fer breakfast, ya heer me??? Groddy!! Pee-yew....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Alright, I better take Pig fer a walk. Things is getting misty in heer....

Cluck fer now!!

If We Didn’t Have Bad Luck....

You know you’re courting the dark forces of the universe when every single thing you do seems to go sideways. Into oncoming traffic. Under falling satellite debris. Into a giant pile of beetle-infested elephant dung...

One little recent splurge was an inexpensive electric toothbrush I picked up for Mrs. That Dan Guy, who was beginning to have some minor swelling of her gums. OK, technically ballooning. I picked her up a Colgate Motion at Wal-Mart.

Yesterday, while watching the morning news before driving her to work, there was a feature on the Colgate Motion - and the recall due to “explosions”.

Hee Hee Hee...”explosions”...

Talk about making your mouth pop with freshness!!

Needless to say, once I’ve removed the Colgate Motion from a place where the sun don’t shine, I will be taking advantage of their generous recall offer.

Please, Colgate Motion - don’t explode yet!!

Chow for now!

"Kelp! I need some bunny.
Kelp! Not just any bunny.
Kelp!
You know I need some Juan,
Ke-e-e-lp!!"

At least, that’s how I remember the lyrics to that song...

Chow for now....

(Oh my - my 2111th post...)


11 02 11

I think I’m going to like November. For one thing, every day of the month is sandwiched by 11’s (see above) - which can’t be bad.

For another - if this is really supposed to be our “Year Of Harvest”, what better month than the 11th?

Finally, finally...well, that was all I had - but if either one is an indication that our woes will finally conclude, how great would that be?

Actually, with my knowing that I don’t have a second go-round of skin cancer, and Mrs. That Dan Guy just a few days away from seeing how successful her own second round of surgery went - maybe the boat is finally steering away from the iceberg?? We’ll see. We need substantial proof that we are exiting the Lord Voldemort Era of our lives, but sound health is a pretty encouraging start.

Time will tell, if November is friend or foe. Time will tell...

Chow for now!

Hmm. 11 01 11 - A plethora of my recurring 11’s!!

Now, where my windfall at??? Bueller???

Oh well, onward and backwards...

So, I could go for the easy targets today - like certain “celebrities” in the news, but really, aside from most of the world, who really cares?

I choose to talk today about something far more important, intricate, and with far more depth than the latest faux celebrity-du-jour: my left index fingernail.

I’ve got this odd nail development going on, which could be because I have to wear so many bandages to cover the cracks I seem to keep getting from “the heartbreak of psoriasis”. I’m not sure if it’s a cuticle, or a fingernail tip - it’s the part at the very end, which is clearer than the rest. Or maybe the rest doesn’t seem to be very clear because there’s finger underneath it.

Still with me? My humble apologies...really, this is as earth-shattering as all the talk shows and news channels that are wasting energy and inflated opinions on a 72-day marriage...

Anyhow, I believe I will trim this unseemly nail, so that it matches the others. I wouldn’t want to offend a cashier somewhere.

Chow for now!