We went to see some harness racing yesterday, for the first time ever. It’s like horseracing, but with the riders on a little buggy behind the horse, instead of riding on top, like they do with thoroughbred racing…

Which ended up as some relief. We had originally wondered if they just tossed old harnesses off the roof of a building, to see which one might land first. Horses just added to the excitement!!

Now, as I’m still cautiously guarding my 2-week old PETA apprenticeship membership, I should qualify that they don’t throw the horses off a building. The animals and their rear-end jockeys race around a track.

And as I don’t want to offend any other readers, what I mean to say by “rear-end” drivers is that the jockeys sit in one of those aforementioned buggies, behind the horse. Sheesh…so little time, so many to offend.

Oh well, at least I’m not Mel Gibson…that guy knows how to offend people!

Anyways, the point of this whole exchange (now that I’ve apologized and clarified to everyone well in advance) is that harness racing is quite a bit of fun. We stayed for 7 of the 11 races, and managed to bet successfully on a couple of winners. Thankfully for the track owners, we were less successful on many other wagers.

My wife (as usual) picked the most winners. My horses frequently led the field right out of the gate, but sort of settled into a nice safe place near the very back of the pack by the time the finish line appeared. Sort of a gradual transition from Sea Biscuit to Stale Biscuit…

Speaking of biscuits, we left our suite a little bit behind schedule, and had to grab lunch at the racetrack. As is typically the case with racetracks, arenas, and football stadiums, you are allowed the privilege of eating cold wieners in colder buns, French fries that are one large solid blob, and popcorn that has actually passed an expiry date. Makes you reflect on why you never see any of the racehorses in the concession lineup…

One of the fun aspects of picking horses at the track is going by some of the wacky names that the owners come up with. Here’s just a few we had to choose from:

-Vanishing Equity
-Left At Sale
-Pan Roll On
-Whoop As
-Widdle Diddle

Very punny…

Chow for now!!

The Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest owes me a new back…

We attended a screening a weekend or two ago, when we discovered a theatre in our new neighborhood. However, hundreds of other people were doing the same thing (attending the movie, probably not exploring a new neighborhood). Which meant that by the time we patiently snaked our way through a lengthy lineup at the concession stand, and made our way into the movie, we had no other option for seats aside from the very front row. Thank God it wasn’t an Imax movie…

Anyhow, we settled in, and after about the first hour, I could feel a little pinching sensation in the small of my back – a bit of an oxymoron that, given my size…

The crab-like pinching started to grow from a guilty pleasure to downright uncomfortable, which caused me to squirm frequently in my seat. By the end of the first couple of hours, I was sitting like a fireplace poker, with my legs sticking straight out into the void in front of our front-row seats.

When the movie ended, we headed out, and I felt like my back was maybe a little sore, but nothing to write home about (although I did drop a short note in the mail). Until the next morning, when I tried to get out of bed... That’s when a spasm not unlike a flaming arrow entering my lower back at a pretty high speed made me double over like I was trying to sneak into a high society cocktail party without an invitation.

Hunched over, I had to hobble my way over to the bathroom, just to see my face in the mirror, indicating the level of pain I was enduring, which was sharp.

Over the next few days, and several back and muscle pills, I regained some limited use of my back, but still felt a lot like a fairly drunk Herve Villechaize doing the Limbo at a summertime poolside party.

Today, I’m starting to feel better, but I’m cursing Jack Sparrow, and the rest of his scurvy pirate crew. Although I’m a little less miffed today, after winning $100 at the casino last night…

Chow for now!!

I’ve taken to viewing my wife’s arrival to our hotel, then greeting her on the intercom with various outburts, as she enters the building (we have a monitor in the entry that you can view on our TV screen, hence alerting me to her pending arrival).

The first time, I said something like “Welcome to Temp-Abode. For service in English, please press 1”. The camera picked up a substantial amount of embarrassment on her face, as well as amusement. Nobody else was in the vestibule at the time.

The second time, I hollered something like “Preparing to beam aboard, Captain”, in a Scottish accent. Another fellow coming home for lunch almost caught my Star Trek reference, and my wife entered a little more hastily than the last time…

By the third time, I started crooning. Referring to The Elevator/Waiting Area Manual, I started with that old 70’s background hit - Feelings, by Morris Albert. No longer showing consistent signs of amusement, I had to rack my brains to offer even better greetings whenever I saw her tug open the outside door…

I’d like to say I thought of something even more brilliant after all that, but for the next two days I suspect she began to wait outside until other people arrived, and she would come in along with them. One time I buzzed her in, and the puzzled guy in front of her wondered how the door automatically opened – some security feature that is, he said. She just smiled and suggested that the front desk was buzzing the door open for delivery people, even those dressed in a suit and tie.

Yesterday, I did a Supremes hit, followed up with an Elvis “thank you, thank you very much”. She laughed in spite of herself, and when she approached the elevator, the lady at the front desk was laughing as well.

Do you suppose that they monitor the entry system??

Chow for now!!

Didn’t hear the idling rocket-sled again, late last night. That’s a good thing, I think. Actually, my wife confessed to hearing the same noise some time ago, so there really may have been alien visitors chillin’ outside our window!! How cool is that??

I only wish I could have caught a glimpse of the little rascals the other night. People have argued for decades now about the existence of intelligent life outside of the recently-reduced cast of The View, and I am really beginning to believe they were right outside my bedroom window…maybe beginning their galactic newspaper delivery route???

If there really are life forms out there from distant planets, are they as crazy about Texas Hold ’Em poker as our society is right now?? Do their athletes dope up on steroids, then deny it even as they are sprouting extra ears? Would I feed them carrots and sugar cubes??

Aliens have been depicted in countless movies and TV shows as anything from a furry little Furby to a bald cannibalistic predator. They’ve been imagined as looking just like human beings, or as glisteny space-age robotic creatures. In my imagination, most aliens would look like that hilarious Mork guy, but wouldn’t have spent the last 12 years playing more serious roles in movies.

Tonight, I’m going to stay up a bit, maybe read a book. If I hear that idling airplane noise outside, I’ll catch the buggers on my Handy-cam. The world needs to know!!

Chow for now!

Couldn’t sleep last night. It was pretty hot, and then there was the disturbing noise outside…

OK, now this may sound a little bit weird, but I swear it happened!!

After we went to bed last night, I sort of flipped and flopped for a while, like a freshly landed mackerel. Just as I thought I might finally be falling asleep, I heard what sounded like an airplane, or other such jet-propelled device. However, this noise was right outside our 4th-storey window…

First off, I handled it rather tactfully, shaking my wife and asking her what the hell that noise was. She was as sound asleep as a moss-covered boulder, and gave me absolutely no response. Fearful of a flying saucer idling outside our window, and entirely uninterested in any sort of late-nite alien probing, I tiptoed out to the living room, turned on all the lights in that room, and sang “Kumbaya”, acapella. After about 15 minutes, I realized that while I was feeling much better, I had abandoned my spouse.

After another ten minutes of “Kumbaya”, I decided to turn on the hallway light, and check on her. Thankfully, all was well.

So, I am not sure that I can say this for certain, but my hypothesis is that either a brief downtown visit by extraterrestrials may have occurred just after midnight, OR a very upscale burglar with one of those rocket-sleds that Luke Skywalker used in the first Star Wars movie couldn’t get our bedroom window open, and left for easier pickings…

Either one could have happened.

Chow for now!

Been awhile since I’ve been able to catch The Late Late Show, with TV’s Craig Ferguson. In our new time zone, it’s not so much late late as it is early breakfast…

However, through the magic of the wonder-gift to mankind that is the VCR, I taped the show, to watch during my actual breakfast. I’m glad I did.

Now, here’s where I hope that none of the other late-nite hosts are reading this, but Mr. Ferguson is head and shoulders the best monologue guy out there. Sorry (other famous talk show host) guys, Mr. Ferguson is just plain terrific at his opening segment. And now he has a brand-new set, to enhance the viewer experience even more!

Yes, I am easily amused…but if you don’t already watch the show, you really should tune in…the guy is funny!!

Also coming in handy that we owned a VCR was the scheduling conflict we were faced with during prime time last night. Last Comic Standing, and Rockstar: Supernova were on at the same time, so we taped Comic, and watched Star. Tonight we’ll try to screen The Comic, but there’s also the results episode of Supernova. Waaay too much to try and juggle, but we persevere nonetheless.

Short, dull, but an entry nonetheless…

Chow for now!!

Why are there no obvious industry standards for coffee containers??

Looking into my kitchen right now, I see that the coffee we are currently consuming is sold in a plastic tub-like carton. That’s not only a whole lot of “c” sounds, but just one of several packaging options available to coffee manufacturers.

We used to buy coffee in a can. A metal can. No clear difference in the quality of the coffee, but maybe it lasts longer in the bomb shelter than the plastic ones?? I only need it to last as long as we are making coffee, not until the insect family rules the world…

If I’m not entirely loopy, I seem to remember coffee also being available in a small paper-like brick, that you would slice open and pour into your coffee-maker. Or into a plastic/metal coffee tin…

Come to think of it, the brick could also be made from a malleable metallic-like wrap, whatever you call that product that is one step up from aluminum foil. Faux alum??

If you’re super-wealthy and la-de-da, you can buy whole coffee beans, and grind them into a plastic baggie, offering yet another option for coffee storage. Is this wide array of containers really necessary, just for a morning pot of coffee?? I think not…

For now, due to price and ease of outlets for purchase, we will likely stick with the plastic tub. We do not endorse this specifically, and would advise you to follow your heart regarding your own coffee container choices…

Chow for now!!

Over the weekend, we accidentally contributed to the renewed wealth of The Walt Disney Company. Like millions of others, we took in Pirates Of The Summer Box Office…

In our defense, it was as accidental as finding a movie theatre in our new neighborhood. We were originally looking for a furniture store, not an action-packed, specials effects-driven swashbuckler yarn capitalizing on tall ships and short pirates. We had hoped to one day soon view Superman Returns, but that was not meant to be this weekend. We were sucked into the inescapable box office vortex of swash and buckles…

I must confess to an urge that may have compelled me to view this movie, more than most of the millions of others in attendance. Back in Kelowna, I was a bit of a pirate legend myself, due to a classic charade clue I gave during a family game of Guesstures. The fact that no one playing was able to interpret my brilliant and sublime clue is of no consequence – to this day everyone that was there speaks in hushed reverence of what had to have been the best clue ever for “hook”. I’d love to share it with you all, but you may one day find yourself playing Guesstures, and desire to use it for yourself. Screw you – it’s my clue, and my clue alone… However, as the one hint I will allow, it definitely conjured up a vivid image of a pirate.

So, how was that Caribbean Pirates movie, you might ask? Well, for Pete’s sake, if you haven’t seen it by now, you are either Amish or claustrophobic. Even goat-herders in Luxembourg have given this movie two thumbs up, so get a life, and get out to your local theater!!

We did quite enjoy it though…

Chow for now!!

My lettuce is wilting…

Every once in a while, we try and introduce “real foods” into our diet. Just to keep the chocolate and pretzels confused, my wife and I will have a handful of carrots. If I get really serious, I’ll buy a batch of lettuce. The lettuce will then be entirely forgotten in some refrigerator drawer, until it begins to do a pretty decent impression of a tree in fall –limp brown leaves slowly croaking in the cold…

There are theories out there that humans are supposed to be vegetarians by nature, but being raised on meat and potatoes myself, vegetables are pretty much window-dressing for the plate, to curiously sample between forkfuls (hey, forkful must be a real word!! Spell-check didn’t highlight it…go figure) of succulent beef. I know that potatoes are technically a vegetable, but seriously, they get a free pass, being such a perfect compliment to meat. The versatile potato: bake it, boil it, mash it, mmm-mmm-good!!

This time of year, when the mercury lingers above 30° C, I tend to get brief yet compelling urges to try and eat more (allegedly healthy) vegetables. Especially a salad. However, even if we have a tasty Caesar salad one day, it could be weeks before I remember that poor head of lettuce in the crisper. Unlike Kraft Dinner, lettuce is entirely wimpy in its ability to “keep” until the next time we crave it. Is this some kind of prefabricated plan by farmers, so that we are forced to return again and again to the market, to pay a king’s ransom to the vegetable producers, once our lettuce has spoiled??? I may need to Google this, and find out the facts!!

Chow for now!!

We are homeless no longer!! Yesterday afternoon we removed the final subjects on our purchase, and in early September, we will be tax-paying Calgarians.

Having spent so much of our early time in this city’s downtown, I must admit that I will miss much of that area. Calgary has a robust yet attractive downtown, with loads of greenspace to wander through.

Our home is a little further away than that. Leaving downtown you pass the suburbs, then more suburbs. We are about the third suburb away from downtown, and there are still a couple more suburbs past our own new neighborhood. Calgary does tend to sprawl…

So that is our tradeoff – The Burbs versus The Bustle. Instead of walking hurriedly with our Grandly Frapping Cocco-cinnos among skyscrapers, we will be ambling along sidewalks in our Dockers’ flip-flops, while marveling at the texture of freshly-fertilized lawns. Our dog Tunamelt will be trained to not only clean up after himself, but he will also immediately compost his by-product once we return home – for our backyard organic herb garden.

I may take to smoking a pipe again…

This is good, looking forward to taking possession of a home. We will get to put our own signature on the place, and find out once and for all if purple goes with yellow in our family room.

More tomorrow. We have discovered that there is an IKEA here.

Yadda, dabba, and do….

Chow for now!!

We are dealing with a recurring pink facecloth, here in our temporary, pre-house hotel suite. We have no idea why this blasted thing keeps turning up, but every day it returns.

It doesn’t match any of the other towels here, which are uniformly white. As a matter of fact, it kind of stands out in its full-blown pinkness, as it sits there on the bathroom counter every day.

We’ve tried to get rid of it. We’ve thrown it on the floor, which is the universal hotel code for replacing towels. We’ve tucked it under the counter, under the fresh roll of toilet paper and the typical hotel room mini-box of half-empty Kleenex. No matter – it returns every day after housekeeping has come and gone. Taunting us…

We could throw it out I suppose. That’s one option. We are not violent people by nature, and now more than ever we can prove that, as my application for membership in PETA is finally under serious consideration by their approval committee. I hope they decide quick – I’m really missing my fresh Alberta beef, especially with a hearty au jus…mmm….

Do any of you out there have a problem with this sort of thing (the pink facecloth I mean, not the beef)?? Does your housekeeper place an unwanted pink facecloth in your bathroom, for no logical reason?? If you’ve had to resolve a similar situation, what was your solution?? Is there a former housekeeper buried somewhere in your backyard?? Have you ignited a frustrating facecloth in a fit of anger?? I have an inquiring mind, and I need to know!!

Chow for now!

Read in the paper the other day that the fellow who became semi-famous while trying to trade a red paper clip for a house has now achieved his goal. After loads of bartering and wacky item exchanges, he finally picked up the keys to a house. In…Saskatchewan. Oh well, a house is a house…maybe he’ll be close to the set of Corner Gas. He won’t run out of wheat anytime soon, either.

This kind of stuff does inspire me though. As my wife and I are in the middle of buying our next home, I will attempt to trade what we end up with for a red paper clip, after all is said and done. I’m hoping we have less complicated exchanges to go through, but I suspect that after this dude’s success, there should be a rash of eager copycats. I’ll keep you posted…

On last night’s Rockstar: Supernova results show, the bottom three contestants got a chance to redeem themselves. Personally, if I was either super or nova myself, I’d have sent all three home. However, network executives tend to appreciate their shows running longer than a couple of weeks, so we’ll have to endure repeat appearances by some of these characters again. Oy…

Speaking of the rock stars, is it just me or are the three aging members of this new super-group maybe a little too mellow-looking now to be passing themselves off as quasi-metal kings?? Tommy Lee looks like he could be babysitting my imaginary grandkids, and the other two band-mates could be professional bowlers for all I know. We’ll just have to see, as the show comes around to concluding some day. At least it isn’t America’s Got Talent.

Which by the way was pretty entertaining to some degree itself last night. Do the producers of that show really believe that some of these competing acts are talented?? I balanced a running lawnmower on my chin just the other night, and my wife frequently snaps her fingers to old Miami Sound Machine songs, with a far less outdated mustache than the guy doing it last night. Maybe I should abandon this blogging gig and refresh my Lord Of The Dance tribute act. I could be missing my calling!!

Chow for now!!

Well, by early next week (or sooner) we will know if we have a new place to call home. Just the formality of a few standard conditions are left to satisfy, before we sign off on the deal.

We started our search with a rather substantial list of must-haves, and/or can't-do-withouts. After experiencing enough time hunting for houses to educate ourselves on this here red-hot Calgary real estate market, we settled on a lovely home with a modern brown paint scheme inside the home.

We had hoped for a quick possession - we will be in before Christmas. We had wanted privacy - which we will have as long as we never step outside. It's all about compromise, and flexibility with your wants and needs.

Kidding aside, we love the place, and can't wait to confirm that we were the fortunate bidders. Time's a tickin' in our rental unit, and my wife has way too many shoes to keep in a shopping cart beside the downtown bridge...

On an unrelated topic, how about that Rockstar: Supernova last night?? I didn't hold out much hope for the show at the outset, but I'm finding now I kind-of enjoy it as much as I did the INXS version. I will be glued to the tube tonight, to see who gets eliminated. Depending on who that may be, I will either be toasting the producers with a fine champagne, or gnashing my teeth and throwing popcorn at the screen. That's just my Rockstar passion coming out, I suppose...

Chow for now!!

Interesting....

Every time I hit a key on my keyboard, a letter or something appears here on this screen... If I hit enough keys, I get sentences. Not exactly what the average person might call coherent, but sentences nonetheless!

So, if this theory of mine is correct, I just have to keep pressing keys, and eventually I might actually write something. A sonnet perhaps, or something that might pass as prose? Given past experience, more likely just a steady supply of blither, but who am I to say??

Yes, it's indisputible. Every freakin' time I tap the keys, all these little black letters continue to line up, until they make their way to the end of the page. Then they automatically start a new sentence below the first one. Already I can look back and see three paragraphs of varying length. Four if I include this current one.

Now five, but this is really a short one.

I'm hoping it doesn't become too evident with this lecture of discovery that I awoke with bupkiss to write about, but I think I may have cleverly dodged that bullet. I guess we'll see..

Instead of these scientific pursuits, I should spend my time a little better. Like maybe trying to figure out how to spell bupkiss...

Chow for now!!

Dang!!

Thought we had found ourselves a new home yesterday - even had a back-up to choose from. However, after the dazzle of enthusiasm became tempered by the reality of practicality, neither one ended up working for our needs. We remain homeless...

Which means we'll hit the bricks again, maybe with our heads if we continue having no luck. The market here in Calgary can best be described as a "sellers' market", where essentially any old house will sell for many, many pesos over what might be considered a more realistic actual value in a normal market. We are beyond thrilled...

We had written off a few other choices that we may revisit today, in view of our escalating urgency, or what Realtors refer to as "motivation". We have an abundance of motivation. We frankly have excessive motivation right now. We are so motivated our poker faces are like that of an unusually giddy circus clown, with big red-and-white grins if we see a roof with only marginal leaking into the living room space.

The hunt continues. We feel lucky...

Chow for now!!

Good Sunday Morning!!

We arrived (safe and semi-sound) in Calgary last night. Got in quite a bit later than we had planned, but that's what happens when you're saying goodbye until the cows come home, and wrapping things up at your old home far longer than the average championship shuffleboard match.

Packing a substantial load of "can't be withouts" into my Jeep, I had left about a six inch line of sight for the rear view mirror, which filled in as I made my first left turn out of our subdivision. From Kelowna to Calgary, I then had to rely on "The Force" to ensure it was safe to change lanes. Only heard screeching brakes three times, so my "Force" is pretty strong!! Obi Wan would have been proud...

Today we go out with our Realtor again, to try and find our next homestead. I'm not saying we're extremely motivated now, but unless every one we see is on fire or inhabited by dancing grizzlies, we'll be warming up the chequebook...

Our search for a new home so far has been somewhat fruitless, so we're going to be accepting today that fruit is just not an option at this time. Four walls and a roof will do just fine...

And, after worrying so much about not having internet access to share this ongoing drama with the world, I have managed to stay online everyday. My perfect record remains intact. So what if I had to break into a church in the dead of night, and hack my way past some pretty questionable online confessionals, just so YOU could read about my move??

Gotta run!!

Chow for now!

Friends and family - just like some calling card plans, you'd be lost without them...

The last couple of days in Kelowna for my wife and I have been a blur, as we tried to cram in as many visits with those two groups as we could, prior to leaving this morning. Yesterday alone we squeezed in visits with at least three different groups of people, in addition to others we saw mostly in passing (by, not gas). The day before we had two separate functions, to juggle between must-do chores, packing and cleaning. We are making the most of a rather short window for visiting...

However, that's it. We load up this morning after breakfast, and hit the road. As I said yesterday, that's a figurative term, especially for someone as clumsy as I am...

One of our get-togethers yesterday was on the spectacular patio at the Hotel El Dorado. Right on the waterfront, this was a sobering reminder of what we'll miss once we're in Calgary (after more than a couple of Smirnoff Ice(s), we may not have been all that sober). We like lakes. Lake Okanagan in particular. Just Google that and you'll see what I'm sayin' .

Well, better boogie. We have to load up, and get rollin'. Alberta is calling!!!

Chow for now!!

Today is housecleaning day. Our former home was emptied out by the movers yesterday, NOT the repossession company... Man, watching movers work can be exhausting!

Now we want to take today to make the place sparkling clean for the new owners, and hope that when we find a home on the other end, those people will have done the same for us. Having been a Realtor for 11 years, you often never knew what you'd find when you unlocked that front door on possession day.

The cleaning shouldn't be that hard. We'll essentially run the garden hose into the house, and spray what we can, before we soak it up with paper towels. Anything above the water line will just need a quick Swiffering.

Swiffer. Boy, there's an oddball word you may not have been able to use a few years ago, without seemingly questioning someone's manhood... Now, everybody I know Swiffers. They Swiffer in the morning. They Swiffer in the evening - all over this land.

Chow for now!!

Yikes!!

It all becomes extremely real today as I sit here right now, typing away while wedged between multiple stacks of moving boxes. The van arrives shortly, and our house here in Kelowna gets packed up and shipped off. Well, not the house so to speak, but the contents for sure...

Moving is stressful, no matter what anyone tries to tell you. You will always accidentally pack some vital item that had been set aside, which may not reappear until you repack to move again in another distant time. Conversely, you will keep out something ridiculous, like a kayak, just in case you pass some rapids on the way to your new home.

No Blow Dryer + Unnecessary Plastic Boat = Spouse's Last Nerve Audibly Popping...

So, we embark on a brand-new journey. With a map this time, as my sense of direction is only as good as my field of vision, which ain't sayin' much...

We'll be spending today and tomorrow visiting friends and family here, before we hit the road, which is always a term that gives me a little cause for concern, knowing how clumsy I have been known to be. Rather, we will simply hope to smoothly propel ourselves along the road.

Simply pimply.
Soothingly Smoothly.

Not sure what that was all about, but I felt it was worth sharing at the time. Not so sure looking back right now...

Also not sure what my Internet capabilities will be for the next few days, so I apologize in advance if I'm unable to update this thing. Not quite techo-capable enough to be doing this from a cellphone just yet.

Having a cell phone might make it a whole lot easier...

Chow for now!!

There's frequent irony in my life. A column I currently have running in a national magazine in Canada is a tongue-in-cheek study on how to become a better procrastinator. Clearly, I am on my way to a Master's degree....

In a little over an hour and a half from now, packers will arrive to start in earnest with our upcoming relocation. I spent last night racing from room to room, separating out items that might literally cost me my life, should they be packed up until we find a new home in Calgary. That task continues the minute I sign off today, as our two biggest rooms remain un-scouted. Hey, that could be a real word....

Granted, we have been away, and other pesky tasks have chewed up my time, but once again I find myself watching flood waters rise, while wearing paper shoes. I have no idea what that means, but if it catches on, you heard it here first...

Of all my moves, this has been the hardest. Not only because we hate to leave what may well be one of the most beautiful places in Canada, but also it seems we have malicious gremlins at work, adding stress to an already stressful enough time.

We shall persevere. After all, as a Master Procrastinator, I won't even get to worrying about these challenges until months after we're gone!!

Chow for now!!

Clumsy seems to my primary operating function lately...

I was rinsing a couple of tubs out in the sink yesterday, when I somehow managed to knock an entire roll of paper towels into that same full sink of soapy water. Even though I may have been the quicker picker upper that time, it was all for naught - the paper towel was as soggy as a hound dog rolling in a wading pool...

Just the day before, I had gone to enter our bathroom at night. I've gone in there many a night before, and my hand typically slides along the wall until I hit the light switch, and then I will continue along to go about my business.

That night was not what I would call typical. I hit the exhaust fan instead of the light, and my head hit the wall instead of the open space just after that. Almost like having a set of pedestrian brakes.

My air bag failed to go off, leaving me with a little bit of an imprint of corner wall on my cheek. And for the record, eyeglass manufacturers seem to have the correct distance on your nose well planned out - the closer a pair gets to your face, the less precise they become...

My wife can easily attest to my clumsiness, and I have written about it regularly in my weekly column. Not many other people can boast that they have inflicted a 6-inch scar on their buttocks staining a deck. Not many people would even admit to that, I suppose...

I have standing spousal orders to look down when I walk, as I have tripped over my own shadow. I own no power tools. We have a webcam in our kitchen (linked to E.M.S.) if I'm using knives. Paramedics know me by name - I even get a Christmas card from one, addressed to "Crash Test Dummy".

So, should all this be of any concern to me this week, as I prepare to take my first aerial gymnastics lesson??? Should I warn my new partner?? Am I still afraid of heights??

Chow for now!! (for all of you signature watchdogs out there...)

Well, the big day is fast arriving...

On Wednesday, packers will begin the task. On Thursday, the movers will finish it off. On Friday, my wife and I will clean up the rest of our beloved Kelowna townhouse, and prepare to drive off to Calgary on Saturday morning. We are moving...

Her career is taking us away, off to Alberta, which is a blank page for both of us. So far, we've really liked what we've seen, but having virtually no winter to speak of here in Kelowna, there is that one little flag of concern...

She's the lucky one. She's already there working, while I'm left here to panic, and/or wait until the last possible minute to begin sorting what household items stay, and which items go. If only there weren't so many good reruns on TV at this time of year...

Today I have some running around to do, then I need to do a room-by-room analysis of what can wait until that very last possible minute, for me to then actually do something about it. I predict one very, very late night, Tuesday...

We are not new to this moving thing. We've done it several times over about 20 years. However, for every other one of these relocations, she has been in charge. Even with movers and packers helping out, the burden of a successful move rests on my shoulders this time around. The burden that weighs as much as one of those grey Acme safes that Wile E. Coyote was so fond of using to ambush that really fast desert bird. The burden that whispers to me in bed at night, questioning why I'm eating potato chips instead of mapping out tomorrow's tasks...

It will all work out, in the end. The movers will have a large semi-trailer, and all my omissions of organization will stay in there until our next home, when I will be hoping desperately to unload a blow-dryer worth its weight in gold, before my wife awakes in her new home.

Chow for now!!

Whoever invented corkboard had to have bordered on genius. Whoever then added borders or frames so we could hang corkboard on a wall, well...that there's your genius!!

Looking around my office right now, I've got two cork bulletin boards that I use religiously. Well, not so much religiously per se - I don't sacrifice live goats to the darn things... However, I do use them a lot. On one, I have posted a handy calendar. On another, I have a poster (OK, a page from a motivational calendar that I ripped out) that inspires me, with a quote about taking action. And someday, I will.

I keep tacks separated by color on the corkboard, just in case I need to pin a flyer or some other such reminder. Nothing there right now, so my remindering is taking a short break. However, if I had a dentist or doctor's appointment, that would be my go-to place, to...uh...remember it!!

Looking at both of these huge boards right now, there really is a lot of empty space. Do I need two cork bulletin boards, or is this just my excessive North American greed coming into play?? Could I comfortably get by with just one, instead of being "Mr. Big Shot Fancy -Pants With Two Corkboards"??? Hmmm...

This bears more consideration. This may even be a chance to incorporate that motivational poster advice, involving taking action.

After another cup of coffee perhaps.....

Chow for now!!

Why do plastic bandages smell so bad these days? After a day or two, you do not want to have one pass anywhere near your nose...

Fabric ones don't seem to be as bad, but I've noticed they tend to get dirtier, making them a tad unsightly. People looking at you might wonder if you ever bother to shower, even if you just have. The fabric seems to be a dirt magnet.

Not that plastic ones are any better, mind you. In between collecting dirt at the edges, and eventual fraying, they have a far shorter shelf life than they used to. I remember having bandages for weeks when I was younger, and they looked as good by the end, as they did at the outset. They worked fantastic to heal wounds, while you were walking five miles to school every day, in 18" of snow, uphill...

I wonder if they still have bandages with little cartoon characters on them?? I seem to remember Scooby Doo Band-Aids, or some other wacky conceptual themes like that. Come to think of it, I know for sure they used to sell Mickey Mouse bandages - that aging, over-sized rat sells himself out for anything...

They should bring back that idea, but with celebrity mug shots. That would be cool...

That's a wrap!!

Chow for now!

Today is the start of the annual Calgary Stampede. We happened to fly in to Calgary last night (returning from Boston), as throngs of temporary Stampeders arrived to partake in the western-themed extravaganza. As a matter of fact, three large planes arrived at the exact same time, sharing one luggage carousel. Even the priest in line ahead of me had a surprisingly short fuse, being jostled about as he was by eager passengers, hoping to reunite with their luggage. I can't be entirely positive that he flipped one lady the bird, but he sure wasn't offering a traditional sort of blessing...

What a frigging madhouse!! Unlikely cowboys and cowgirls everywhere, with friends or family hollerin "Yee-Haa!!" whenever they spotted a familiar cowpoke. Did they really do that sort of thing in the Old West???

To be honest, my wife and I bought a couple of wicker-ish (straw??) cowboy hats last week, before we left for Boston, hoping to blend in (for Calgary, silly...not Boston. We bought lobster bibs for that...).

We also listened to hours of country music, trying to get hip with the jive. We needed some boot-scoot in our boogie; some honky-tonk in our badonkadonks. For older cowboy readers, we needed some Happy in our Trails...

Shortly, the big kickoff parade heads through downtown Calgary. On a slightly unrelated note, how about that Rock Star: Supernova?? We missed the first twenty minutes of the debut episode, but hard to say yet if this round will draw an audience, for a theoretical "supergroup".

After the parade, I have no idea what goes on, but maybe we can catch some small part of it, being here as we are...

Chow for now!!

You know, I've seen a museum or two in my day, but certainly nothing that stands up to the level of Boston's Museum Of Fine Arts. Aye, caramba!!!!

Before we even left home, I had planned on catching a special exhibit they just happened to be running at the museum while we were in town: "Americans In Paris". This is a collection of famous paintings by Americans that had skedaddled over to Paris in the late 1800's (hence the name - sheer brilliance!!), including "Whistler's Mother", legendary even to an arts buffoon like myself. The display called it something else, like "Study In Black & White, Number 1", but they couldn't fool me. I know a whistling mother when I see one...

From there, my wife and I were literally pelted by an onslaught of art, a bom-bahd-ment (New England accent...) of culture, including huge names like Van Gogh, Picasso, Degas, and Monet. Even in the washroom, they had original felt drawings by somebody with a large nose named Kilroy, indicating he had been there. It was mind-numbing.

Then there were artifacts from almost every ancient civilization - Egypt, Greece, Rome, and Boise. We couldn't even begin to soak it all in, especially after our tour got interrupted by an evacuation, of which they wouldn't share with us as to the cause. While waiting to get back inside, a goose nipped at my pocket. God's truth...

Today is it. We depart, back to Canada. Kicking and screaming, but we both looooved Boston, and intend on getting back here. Way too much to see and do.

However, if I ever see anything containing lobster again anytime soon, I may bite my own pocket....

Chow for now!!

Well, at least we got a boat ride...

After experiencing the dress rehearsal for The Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular the day before, we thought we may not want to be in a cozy little crowd of 500,000 yesterday, for the real deal. So, we booked our behinds on a fireworks cruise.

When we arrived at the harbor, there were a couple of ships lined up, and we settled onto a bench with a nice couple from Chicago.

There was one cruise before ours, and we were surprised to notice that a modern, sleek twin-hulled catamaran was being loaded for that one. An older, cramped, somewhat rusty tub appeared to be the only one left for the next group - our group. You could hear the ripples of concern begin to circulate throughout the crowd on the dock...

So as not to allow those of us who had arrived early to get cold feet, they began to board our cruise ship, the Rusty Tub. We had arived two hours early, and in the surprising crush of people anxious to board what looked like a retired tugboat, we ended up in the lower level, where we enjoyed a three-hour complimentary sauna, with a lingering flavor of salted seaweed in each labored breath.

I imagine it was with our safety in mind that The Tub made its way out to the general area of the fireworks, but kept to a very safe distance of several miles away, in case any of the fireworks embers might ignite the original wood hull, or the many fiberglass patches. We were grateful that squinting almost made it seem like we were watching "The Spectacular" on a cell phone screen... Several Lions attending an international conference were loudly planning a mutiny, gathering up a supply of the onboard hot dogs - stiffer than a billyclub...

Suddenly El -Floato De Rusti hauled ass over to another vantage point, where we could see the illumination of fireworks, from behind a row of tall buildings. It was unforgettable...

Today, the Boston Museum Of Fine Arts...

Chow for now!!

Wow!!

Big day in Boston yesterday.....

My wife and I got an early start to our day, having breakfast in our hotel here at the Omni Parker House. This restaurant has seen its fair share of history, boasting Malcolm X as a former busboy, and Ho Chi Minh as a former pastry chef. It also happens to be where John F Kennedy proposed to Jackie. I think a couple of recent American Idol contestants will be future waiters there...

From breakfast, we rushed off to the Government Center, to catch a subway to Prudential Center. Are there no Middles here??

At Prudential Center, we took a 90-minute "duck" ride, on a World War II amphibious vehicle. That was a total hoot, although ducks don't technically hoot. Had lunch at a restaurant chain called Legal Seafood - no illegal lobsters crossing the border for that joint's customers...

We followed lunch up with a view of Boston from the 50th floor of Prudential Tower's Sky-Walk attraction. I could have swore we were only on the 49th storey, but still, why quibble...

Zipping back to our hotel room, we caught our breath before we had dinner, and caught a pre-4th of July Fife & Drum concert, in the courtyard of Old City Hall. Made me wish I had taken my high school fife lessons more seriously... This is one historic burg to spend catching the Independence Day holiday!!

We closed our evening with the free dress rehearsal of The Boston Pops, on The Espalanade. There was a sea (no pun intended) of people doing the same thing, and we got treated to what the world can view tonight, on national TV. Dr. Phil and his wife hosting, plus guests like one of those aforementioned American Idols singing the national anthem. Also Rockapella, and Steve Tyler & Joe Perry doing a couple of huge Aerosmith hits. Absolutely surreal.

More to come!!

Chow for now!

Catching up...

The other day I remarked that I may have missed a day of blogging, and it would appear I was mistaken. I had just done it in a seriously shortened version, in the wee hours of the morn. For anyone that cares....

Anyhow, our "Most Excellent Boston Adventure" continues today, as we are preparing to jump on a subway, to attend a World War II amphibious "duck" ride. It will tour us through Boston, and at some point prove to us that it is indeed capable of water propulsion. We are told to sit in the middle, definitely not at the back...

After that, we will be in the general area of The Boston Museum Of Fine Arts, and plan on adding that to our visit. It just so happens that a famous picture (immortalized even in Bugs Bunny cartoons), "Whistler's Mother" is here for a showing, so we have at least one brush with greatness on this trip...

Actually, we've had many brushes with greatness so far. Our hotel is right around the corner from a historic graveyard, eternally housing the parents of Benjamin Franklin, in addition to the remains of Thomas Jefferson, Mr & Mrs Paul Revere, and Mother Goose to name a few. Yes, Mother Goose. Pretty wild, eh??

The restaurant in our hotel (Omni Parker House) has seen the likes of Charles Dickens, John Wilkes Booth, and in this very restaurant, John F Kennedy is said to have proposed to Jackie. We are nutty for U.S. history...

Anyway, better run. We've got to grab a breakfast on the run. More to come!!!

Chow for now!

Quite a night last night. We attended the closing banquet for the annual National Society Of Newspaper Columnists conference, and was it ever a doozy!!

These affairs are always memorable, but this one had several highlights worth mentioning...

The dinner was held in the rooftop ballroom of the Omni Parker House Hotel, in Boston. This place is crazy with history, on top of simply being one of the nicest old hotels we've ever been in.

The formal part of the evening included awards for attending columnists, and a special presentation for legendary columnist Art Buchwald. Due to health, his daughter was in attendance to accept on his behalf, and he did appear in a short, pretaped video.

After that, a 30-piece gospel choir blew whatever was above the rooftop off the building, closing the night.

Then we ended up in the legendary NSNC hospitality suite, where these conferences really come to life. Had a chance to revisit old friends, and meet new ones. You often pick up more in these gatherings than you do at the actual workshops. Perhaps several malty beverages enhances the workings of the learning part of your brain...

A good time had by all...

Chow for now!!

Nuts!!

I think I forgot to blog yesterday, which would be the first time since I started this thing...

However, it was due to circumstances beyond my control:

a) the dog ate my computer,
b) I spent the whole day milking cows and fetchin' eggs,
c) aliens abducted me, while I was playing Little Green Men at a local casino....

And those are just the legitimate reasons I neglected to do my update. There may have also been a small amount of "oops" involved...

As was the case the other day however, I''ve only got time for this very short posting. More to come soon.

Chow for now!!