Howdy, Humans!!

Charlie Chicken here today, filling in for Banjo Bob, the turkey that usually fills these postings...

Holy crap, is it cold in this joint, or is it just me?????

So, if you're not aware, Calgary goes smoke-free tomorrow. Aside from a few coops that have installed special exhaust units, every other bar, restaurant, and cheap gin joint around this burg will be a haven for non-smokers.

Not like they couldn't feel free to go to public places before this policy. There were always libraries, shopping malls, and dentist's offices. But the crybabies wanted more!! "We want to eat in fresh air" they complained.

Hey, how about having a sandwich on the roof of your car!!

Anyways...

So, I'm enjoying this one last cigarette, before I risk becoming a hardened criminal, if I light up in the bowling alley like I've done every Saturday night for years...

Cluck for now!!

I probably come across as one of those grumpy old farts, on occasion. Especially when it comes to drivers, here in Calgary.

While Calgarians can be some of the nicest people you will ever meet, there are some citizens here that defy description when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Wait, no, I take that back. They become complete morons...

I can back this up with having held THREE provincial drivers' licenses in my life so far. Moving from Manitoba to B.C. inspired a column that ended up in my book. Moving from B.C. to Alberta has inspired nightmares - we generally kiss the ground whenever we arrive where we're going, if we get there in one piece!!

Think I'm exaggerating? Take a little cruise around town during a snow storm here. The morning express train in Tokyo takes more precautions than the average driver here. Sure, a few people slow down, but they only provide an obstacle course for the turkeys that feel they still need to go 110 kms in a 60 km zone...

On her drive to work yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy decided that now, just to amuse herself, she would shout out "Hot Dog!!", every time one of these nitwits raced by. When she shared that with me, I liked it so much that we played the game on the way home from the shopping centre last night. We only live 15 minutes away, and got in SIX hearty "Hot Dogs!!" along the way. Poor driving conditions, and these 6 guys (or gals) would have passed the space shuttle during a launch...

Our word for the day: "Hot Dog!!"

Chow for now!!

This is what a writer has to do when he wakes up with an empty head...just post a "classic" seasonal photo from days gone by, and then hope that something gels from the image.

So, this is a photo Of Mrs. That Dan Guy, from before we started to date. Her old boyfriend (pictured) was similar to myself, at least in size and choice of soft drink. Barry was a pretty nice guy, as a matter of fact. His biggest problem was having to conform to society's pesky rule about wearing clothes in public...

He sures looks happy in that photo!! I can "bearly' stand to look at it...

I'm not sure about what ever happened to Barry. We had heard something about him moving to an ice shelf in the Antarctic, but I hope it wasn't the same one that collapsed recently.

We had also heard that he was getting involved in the stock market, but his timing would have been off in this bull market...

Oh well, what's past is past. Just like today's posting....(thank God...)

Chow for now!!

Winter has returned to Calgary.

After several mild days, and no new snow since before Christmas, we got the white stuff again yesterday, along with high winds to help pile up the drifts.

Now I can understand that in places like Kelowna, Vancouver, or Bora Bora, snow is somewhat rare, and therefore a fresh skiff of the stuff presents a challenge, whilst behind the wheel of a moving car or truck. However, here in the prairies, winter comes every FREAKIN' YEAR!!!!!!! Why is it that people here haven't come to the simple conclusion that poor road conditions suggest perhaps even just the slightest correction to typical driving conditions??

We've seen people flying by, and that's just in the drive-thru lane at Starbucks.

We've seen people fishtailing into a complete corkscrew maneuver, without a wine bottle in sight.

We've seen impatient dough-heads gas up their beast, with absolutely no regard for the laws of physics. You can only hope (as they sail over an embankment) that your own insurance costs aren't affected by their poor judgement. Or that maybe you can pick up their refurbished, write-off BMW real cheap...

Slow down, boys and girls. Point B will still be there, even if it takes 12 minutes more to get there...

Chow for now!!

Well, Christmas is over, and Wrestling Day has passed by as well. Sure, some may call it Boxing Day, but have you ever been in a department store on Dec. 26th?? All-Star Rasslin', my friends...

We now have the sweet sounds of banjo in our home, and an alternate feather wreath for the current one hanging on our door. We can even frame a rubber chicken in either one.

One of our artificial Xmas trees expired last night, twinkling no more. I'll take a look at it, but it may be far more prudent to just let it go, rather than tinker with something that utilizes an electric current. That is, after all, how our hamster died (unexpectedly)...apparently they DON'T utilize electric currents...("Clear!" seems to work on ER)....

Sadly, life must get back to normal now. Pretty soon we'll be tearing down the decorations, and maybe some copper-colored bird will regain his or her dignity, if I can toss the old feather wreath out into the backyard while Mrs. That Dan Guy is polishing the silver.

We've gone through more batteries than that slack-ass Eveready Bunny could promptly supply, and even had to replace a strand of those new-fangled LED lights, that are supposed to last forever. I found a way to break something even THAT hardy...

Back to work, boys & girls!! Just a few more days until New Year's Eve!!

Chow for now!!

Just like in the holiday movie Polar Express, if you believe, Christmas wishes do come true...

Banjo Quest 2006 ended on a happy note, with a banjo under our Christmas tree. And, I now will be spending much of 2007 learning at least how to tune the damn thing.

Mrs. That Dan Guy has agreed to allow me to practice whenever I want to, as long as she's nowhere near the house.

She has also suggested that perhaps I set the bar too low for Banjo Quest 2006. With that in mind, there's no time like the present to unveil Cadillac Escalade Quest, 2007!! I've always dreamed of one day being able to drive to the corner grocery store, in the rare degree of comfort offered by the Cadillac Corporation. To feel plush leather beneath my plush derriere; to have the strains of Snoop Dogg droppin' it like it's hot, all the way down the block...

Ladies and gentlemen, Cadillac Escalade Quest, 2007 - for the dreamer in all of us...

Chow for now!!

From the staff and management of "Such Is Life":

Merry Christmas Everybody!!

(Especially to those that celebrate the holiday. And, for family members missing those red socks this year, please enjoy the attached photo!!)

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Just a quick posting this morning, before I run downstairs, add some Bailey's to my coffee, and begin the reveal of Christmas 2006. Will dreams come true, or will I find coal in my stocking?? Tune in to the picture gallery tomorrow, to find out. Assuming I can figure out the picture gallery...

To bring in the big day, we went out last night, to catch a pre-Xmas movie. We picked names out of a Santa hat, and ended up with Rocky Balboa. Good choice!! This is the last installment, and a terrific way to send the character out to pasture. Hopefully the lead actor as well...

If you've enjoyed any of the other movies, this one has a reflective tone that touches on some of the other movies, but brings the story to a satisying conclusion. Although, if I had one complaint, it would be that we didn't get to see enough of Bullwinkle...

Once we got back home, we watched the only Christmas movie I taped for this year, aside from Polar Express, which we had yet to watch (terrific!!). Santa Baby, starring...what's her name... the girl that's going out with Jim Carrey right now, and Norm from Cheers (as Santa).

Not the worst movie you'll ever sit through, but the cool part we discovered at the end was that it was filmed right here in Calgary!! The scenes of Santa Baby flying around downtown show very recognizable landmarks... Well, cool for us, I suppose...

Hope your day is a happy one!!

Chow for now!!

I think we may have a flock of partridge in our back yard...

I just hope they have no relation to that former pop group on TV - some of those guys have been big trouble in the last few years...

How Christmasy would that be, to have a partridge in the yard, with or without a pear tree?? Mrs.That Dan Guy happened to spot a couple in the back yard, and thought they were just some of the rabbits we typically notice there on occasion. However, when a few more flew in to join them, she reconsidered her theory. For the record, we won't be adding Bailey's to our coffee until TOMORROW morning (by the way, just a little over 10 hours before the traditional Christmas Eve gift opening!! Just one, sadly, but I hope it's the long one with the round bottom that Mrs. That Dan Guy won't even let me close to...).

I went to a local website, and the Gray Partridge is in fact native to our area, so we just may have a true sign of the holiday season, crapping in our back yard!! How inspiring!!!

Aside from the birds, we did our last bit of holiday-themed gallivanting yesterday. We drove out to Heritage Historical Village, to see the 12 Days Of Christmas experience - in a recreation sort-of like Little Houses On The Prairie. After everything else we've seen this year here in Calgary, we thought this turn-of-the- century Christmas recreation might be pretty cool - carol singing, wagon rides, specialty shopping...

We didn't get to see so much the 12 days of Christmas, as we did the last two hours. The last two hours of HUNDREDS of people squeezing into an area better suited for tens of people.

A delightful prairie polar breeze was pummeling us as we tried to find shelter in tiny pioneer stores, filled to the rafters with surly last-minute gift shoppers. If you did get inside, the lines were fifty people deep, so the best you could hope for was to have your forehead thaw just enough to sprint over to the next store, where another mass of people were squeezed like toothpaste into a 40 sq. ft. retail outlet...

We ended up still having 60 minutes left of the two hours we paid for when we were sliding down the hill back to our car. Colder and wiser, we'll probably pass on this event next year...

Chow for now!!

PS - 9 hours now before Christmas Eve gift opening!!!!

Alright…

So, our third holiday treat this year was taking in Zoolights last night, which is an annual presentation of unique and entirely creative Xmas lights, at the Calgary Zoo.

This outdoor tour is a tradition for generations of families here, as you stroll through the zoo, and see what a creative group of minds have come up with, to decorate this facility. They have bonfires set up at various spots, and hot chocolate available as well. Nowhere to be seen: hot mulled wine, or red and green beer…

Our introduction to just how upscale this event is was discovered on our hike from the parking lot, where we passed an actual mobile Starbucks location, set up to snag your loose change enroute to even getting through the doors of the zoo. It was like Santa himself had stopped by to greet you, with whipped cream and overpriced melted chocolate!!

Getting into the event, nothing could really prepare you for the extent to which they decorate the place. Over two million lights are strung between exhibits, on exhibits, and through exhibits. A couple of deer looked a little befuddled at having LED lights strung over their antlers!!

There were lights on trees, lights on buildings, and lights on bridges. Lights in the shape of giraffes, lights in the shape of monkeys. Lights as far as the eyes could see… Here a light, there a light, everywhere a light light…

It was impressive, to say the least!!

Chow for now!!

Rats!!

This one slipped completely below our radar....

Every Christmas, the best TV special we catch is Tom Jackson's "Huron Carol". Mr. Jackson is a Canadian actor, singer, and philanthropist, whose annual concert series helps fill food banks via donations. They are also consistently the best presentation of seasonal entertainment you will find.

Wel, I decided to hunt for it in advance this year, having missed the darn thing last time around. When I Googled the show, I discovered that after 17 years of touring Canada in support of this charitable effort, Tom retired it THREE years ago!! Aargh!!

I further discovered that he has replaced it with more intimate shows, called "Singing For Supper". When I saw the heading of Tour Schedule on his website yesterday, I hit the link, and discovered that Mr. Jackson was indeed coming to Calgary!

On Wednesday, the 20th.....we just missed him!!

Go to www.singingforsupper.ca for more info on this project, and if you can, try to make it out to see him. You'll get an affordable night of exceptional entertainment, and you'll support a worthy cause...

That's my sermon for today!!

Chow for now!!

For all you nay-sayers out there (or people that thought I was quackers), I present Exhibit A:

Now, if I could only have found a picture like this, with him playing a banjo!!!!

There you have it folks, the next Santa Claus - Mr. Donald Duck...

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On to other issues now:

-This will be the first year in probably a decade or so that Mrs. That Dan Guy and I won't be wearing our seasonal festive red socks to a family Xmas dinner, as we aren't anywhere near family here in Calgary. We'll probably just stay huddled in our humble little homestead, showing the socks to each other instead... Although, there must be thousands of families here that we don't even know, looking for a couple with festive red socks to brighten their Christmas...

-We plan on taking in a movie this Christmas. Any thoughts on what a good choice may be?? Ever since Ernest quit making his enduring comedy classics, like "Ernest Saves Christmas", we just can't seem to pick the winners anymore...

-If our holiday turkey makes me break out in a rash again, would a cranberry salve stop the itchiness??

-It's been almost a whole week since we've seen any live performances. I'm going a little squirrely...

-Before Mrs. That Dan Guy reads today's posting, does anyone out there know how to get mustard stains out of sofa fabric???

Chow for now!!

As luck would have it, I had a bit of spare time on my hands yesterday, to further ponder this ongoing thought of who might replace Santa, if Santa ever needed replacing. I must be watching too many Whoopi Goldberg holiday movies...

At any rate, I got to thinking that a reasonably good candidate might be rock veteran Bruce Springsteen. Let's face it, he's not getting any younger, and we already know he has the work ethic, considering his legendary 3-hour concerts (Hmmm. Wonder if Bruce is coming to Calgary anytime soon??) He's even recorded a couple of great Xmas tunes, so right there he should get the popular vote!!

Failing acceptance of Mr. Springsteen, maybe that colorful and beloved Disney character, Donald Duck?? Sure, he may not be tremendously fluent with the English language, but that hasn't stopped recent Prime Ministers & Presidents from having relatively active careers...

Donald Duck is a natural fit with a red and white suit, and just needs to grow a beard, which, who knows, may lead to extra film work anyhow, so it's a win-win situation...

Finally (for today at least), what about that dear old Betty White?? Betty's been around at least as long as Santa, and who better to get such an involved annual job done than a woman who's managed to stay employed long after much better actors have faded into oblivion?? If we ever hope to see female leaders in critical global positions, shouldn't we start with someone as important as Santa??

Chow for now!!

Perhaps you're like me, and wonder what Christmas would be like if Santa hadn't become the international symbol associated with this upcoming annual December holiday. Well, besides the little kid and his birthday, of course...

But for the purposes of today's ramblings, what if some other high-profile individual had become synonymous with the season?? Maybe Frosty, for example. I could probably live with having a jovial snowman in a top hat signifying Christmas. We already have more snowmen around the house than we do Santas, truth be told. Two of them are even animated, breaking into song and dance when you push their buttons.

Unlike Mrs. That Dan Guy, when I push HER buttons...

A bunch of elves, might work as Christmas ambassadors, but I'm not sure I like the idea of shifty little people sneaking into my house overnight, getting chimney dust all over my furniture, and getting into my liquor cabinet, while the milk and cookies little Billy left out for them goes bad...

Now that Glad garbage bag guy from the TV commercials wouldn't be such a bad choice, as he's already dressed all in white, kind of like the seasonal expectations (White Christmas). Although, he's gotta be getting pretty old by now, and may not be able to handle a big bag of gifts. Maybe I should be thinking of a retired pro wrestler???

Am I missing anybody?? Surely there must be a logical choice to replace Old Man Claus??

An inquiring mind wants to know!!

Chow for now!

OK, so we had a second holiday treat last night...we went to see Brian Hyland & Bobby Vee do a pre-Christmas rock and roll show. What can I say, they had a special ticket deal after the Michelle Wright concert, so we picked up a couple of tickets.

And we're glad we did!! I didn't expect we'd go see these guys, but we were totally blown away by both of them. I mean, come on, what are the odds of seeing the guy (Hyland) that made "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" a monster hit, back in the day??

What was most surprising for us was how good he looked, considering recent reports of his having passed away a few months back, in Florida. Turned out to be someone pretending to be him, and I have to say, if you're going to impersonate somebody, you could do worse than to pick an unrecognizable pop star from the 60's...

Bobby Vee turned out to be an exceptional showman, with a multimedia presentation of his career playing behind him, and a four-piece string ensemble to help recreate the big hits, of which he had many.

Even I learned something last night. Vee recorded "More Than I Can Say"(rerecorded later by Leo Sayer), which his buddy Buddy Holly was set to record, prior to "the day the music died"... Pretty cool. Not particularly funny, but pretty cool...

Hyland & Vee both did a bunch of Christmas music as well, so we're getting our fix of holiday tunes live this year.

So there you have it. We are seriously live entertainment junkies, without a 12-step program...

Chow for now!!!

Well, boys & girls, we're down to the home stretch!! Just another week, and that jolly fat man will finally arrive!!

Although for Mrs. That Dan Guy, the jolly fat guy spends most of the year kicking around the house...

Looking at that picture over to the left, well, it just sort of sums it all up so very nicely..."silver bells" my patootie...

So, is everyone else out there all ready for Christmas?? Or will you eventually start shopping towards the end of next week, and hope that the stores will still be stocking something other than red & green napkins and Pepto Bismol??

Is next Sunday the last possible date on your calendar left open to string up the outside lights?? And why are you driving into the woods right now with a hatchet and a flask of sipping whiskey?? Has the last sales clerk you talked to told you to go tickle your OWN Elmo??

Ho Ho Ho....

Chow for now!!

Our little holiday treat last night was the Michelle Wright Christmas show, and man, was it ever a treat!!

We've seen Ms. Wright perform live before, but last night we saw all the hits, along with much of her new album, "A Wright Christmas".

Which, by the way, is terrific. If you want just one new album for the holidays this year(unlike myself), this one would be my pick - a great blend of traditional arrangements, along with some smokin' remakes of other Christmas oldies. All with that trademark husky, smoky voice of hers...Aye Caramba!!

Looking at that picture though, over to the right there, I must say that even while sucking in my gut, it appears that I could still fit both Ms. Wright & Mrs. That Dan Guy into one of my pockets...maybe I should be thinking of a Jenny Craig Christmas...

Chow for now!!

For any family members out there, we got the last of the Christmas presents wrapped up, and sent off in the mail yesterday. The lady at the counter said it would take 4 business days for delivery, but she also suggested that Santa's elves would be busy dropping them off. Either her eggnog content was just a tad on the high side, or you'll be lucky to see the gifts in time for Easter...

Bringing the last four gifts to the local post office yesterday afternoon afforded me a little amusement of my own...

There was one rather big box, two awkwardly-shaped bubble envelopes, and another normal-looking rectangular box. Trying to juggle these items enroute to the counter, I noticed another guy with two big bags (bags...wouldn't THAT have been a good idea to bring those friggin' packages in...), also clearly destined for the Canada Post counter...

Picking up my pace, I hustled towards the door, and did indeed manage to get inside first.

However, just in front of me, a older gentleman (he looked like he might have helped pick out some of the curtains when Eve was decorating in The Garden Of Eden) managed to get in front of me, blocking the direct route to the postal outlet.

My first thought was no problem, he's going to stop right up ahead, at the multi-vitamin display. But soon it became painfully apparent, as he shuffled along at 1.5 kilometres an hour past that display, that he was headed to the same destination as myself and Mr. Baggy Bags...

We arrived at the counter later that afternoon, and after Shuffle Bob got his 6-pack of U.S. stamps, I got my parcels dropped off, and sent away.

Now, all I have to do is relax, and wait for the big day...

Chow for now!!

Sheesh!!

Colds here in Calgary sure tend to linger....

Both Mrs. That Dan Guy (who should almost get equal billing here lately - a little too prolific on the responses if you ask me) and myself have had our first prairie colds in almost 15 years, and it is not a fun thing...

Pretty much every morning, I will arise with a sore throat, that eventually calms down after a couple of cups of coffee (much like Mrs. That Dan Guy...).

We have also gone through enough Kleenex in the last couple of weeks that we could sufficiently insulate any one of the Three Little Piggies homes, even the straw one.

Now, I know it sounds like I'm just being cranky, and you're probably right. But it did give me a couple of lines this morning, did it not??

And I didn't even mention a banjo!!!

Ah, crap, there it is....

Oh well, wattaya gonna do??? Vive Le Banjo!!!!

Chow for now!!

There are some days when I feel like certain people in this house just don't care about my personal well-being...

The other night, I was relaxing after another hard day of....blogging, and ....um...newspaper reading, and reached over to take a sip from my can of cold soda pop.

Normally, this sort of thing is entirely uneventful, and results in simply quenching my thirst. That night, as fate would have it, was anything but normal...

Bringing the can down post-sip, I went to put it back on the table beside our couch. However, the can had somehow gripped a hair of my mustache, and refused to let it go. My arm, recently recovering nicely from a pinched nerve, had a full head of steam heading away from my face. The end result - I pretty much screamed out as the hair was yanked unceremoniously from my upper lip (in this instance, not at all stiff)...

Looking over at the other end of the sofa for some sympathy, I saw instead my beloved Mrs. That Dan Guy, suppressing what could only be described as a massive giggling episode, which upon viewing my hurt expression, erupted into a hearty, uncontrolled laughing fit.

Feeling my lip for signs of blood, or nerve damage, and she's howling there like Carrot Top is doing a standup routine in the living room!! Does she also kick puppies when I'm not looking??

Well, I may need to go pluck a feather off of her feather wreath, to see if she's not as insensitive as it would appear. More to come, I'm sure...

Chow for now!!

Earlier this week, maybe even over the weekend, I had a brief bit of confusion - not at all unusual here in the St.Yves household.

I had to hold off discussing it here though, until I addressed this Banjo F.O.O.E.Y. thing, which I am happy to report has lifted a great burden from my shoulders. If all goes as expected, I should be one giant step closer to my banjo dreams, the morning of Dec. 25th...

So, back to my confusion, which started innocently enough. I had heard very briefly on TV that Pinocchio had passed away, which immediately got my attention. However, the newscaster just raced by it, and I had to go out, so I was forced to specualte on how a wooden puppet might have passed away...

Now Geppetto, I can clearly understand how he might have passed on, being an old man even back when I was a kid. But his little puppet, wasn't he alive just by magic?? And if magic eventually wears off, what hope is there for people that have built entire careers around it, like David Copperfield??

Wasn't there some sort of cricket too, a pal of Pinocchio's?? Again, I could understand an insect meeting an untimely demise, just could not wrap around The Pine Guy passing instead.

As it turned out, I discovered later that day that the guy that passed away was some general, Pinochet. And, I used "that" three times in that last sentence!! Rats!! Twice again!!

You can see how a person could be confused....

Chow for now!!

I'm now on board!!

What was I waiting for??

Everyone, please support

Banjo Fooey 2006!!!!!!

(Banjo For Our 'Ome?? 'ell Yeah!!)

I should have known. My loving wife has supported me through so many other crazy schemes, she had to secretly be supporting my banjo quest. And, it turns out she was!! Just in code.

See, it turns out I remembered last night whilst lying awake in bed that she is part British/Scottish/Mr. Bean, something from overseas, and in a British accent, the clues just all unfolded. Between counting sheep, the letters of "fooey" revealed their true meaning, and now, dear readers, I can honestly say that there is cause to live, yet again!!! I'm sensing the surprise of a banjo this Christmas!!

I know that she has worked especially hard this time, to get me off the scent. All of her feeble protests just couldn't shake the nagging feeling that she really desired the sweet sounds of banjo in the house, just as much as I did. Well, now the truth is out, and God bless her, she sure did an admirable job of trying to rattle my confidence...

I promise this time won't be like when I wanted the Tony Robbins cassette tape system for ultimate success in life. Who even knows where those things are right now??

I vow to not make this banjo become the dog I ultimately dropped off at my parent's house permanently, after realizing they're just as much work to maintain as people...

This burning musical desire is nothing like the model train set still sitting in boxes, somewhere in our basement....

Banjo Fooey?? Amen, brother, amen!!!

Chow for now!!

With every passing day, December 25th gets closer and closer. For anyone out there that celebrates Christmas, I’d like to offer up some timely tips for possible gifts, for those hard-to-please folks on your list:

Jewelry is always a popular choice, but this year, why not consider jewelry made from recycled automotive parts?? Anybody can wear a diamond, but there are literally hundreds of small parts used to power motor vehicles, that might look quite unique. Worth a thought, at least…

Books will never be a bad choice, unless of course you are waiting for that now-cancelled O.J. Simpson book. Try something lighter instead, like “Attila & The Huns– Oh Yeah, We Were Naaaasty”…

You can really bring a smile to a young man’s face with a shiny new banjo. Give the gift of music this Christmas, and make the world a brighter place!!!

Speaking of the gift of music, one gift that always rocks is a CD or DVD. Unless that gift is a recording of Enya. She does NOT rock…

A unique Christmas gift is a year’s supply of soup. Any Costco will gladly sell you barrels of the stuff, and with enough chicken noodle soup running through your system, you’ll never get another cold!!!

Did I mention the smile on any man’s face, that a new or used banjo would bring???


Chow for now!!

OK, I’ll admit it. My wife and I see an awful lot of live entertainment…

We can’t help it though!! There’s an insane amount of shows that come through Calgary!! Between theatre groups and concerts, we could be out every freakin’ night of the week. Now, THAT would be wrong…

However, of all the shows we have taken in, one last night just rose so far above so many others, we had to keep pinching ourselves, to make sure we were really there experiencing it.

Last night, we were in the audience for the current tour of Tim Conway & Harvey Korman, legendary TV stars, most especially on the old Carol Burnett Show.

If you’ve never heard of any of those three people, you may just want to get back to finding out where Britney Spears was last night, without her panties…

If you do recognize those names, you can only imagine how funny they are live. Looking fantastic for gentleman of 80 (Korman) and 72 (Conway), they started the show by each doing as bit of solo stand-up, where Korman did a little bit of a “blue” routine, but clearly within acceptable levels for the audience, many just a bit younger than the comics. We had an easy time getting to our seats, bypassing all the walkers and bad hips…

Over almost two hours, these guys did some famous sketches from the Burnett show (The Dentist), and trotted out several other familiar characters (Conway’s “Old Man With One Speed”), even a hilarious appearance by Dorf, giving his tips on golf. We were crying most of the night, I can’t remember the last time we laughed soooo hard!!!

They even did a Q & A session, like on the Carol Burnett Show. These guys are such pros, turning even simple requests for an autograph into laughs.

To seque some of the sketches and costume changes, they had along a female impressionist, Louise Duart. Occasionally hot, mostly cold, she could stand to update her act. How many people still want to hear impressions of Jane Fonda??

We did have some concerns before the show though. We had crossed our fingers back when we bough the tickets, that neither one would croak before the day of the show…

Chow for now!!

I've mentioned a few times this confounded feather wreath that my wife smuggled into the house here in this space, and today I'd like to share a photo of the thing with you...

As you can see, the feathers are entirely unnatural in appearance. I fear (as does the Board Of Directors of PETA) that these feathers may have come from some rare or endangered species of bird...perhaps a condor, or even a dodo...

Yes, the occasional rooster may have shades of these feathers, but look at the tones. Are those even really feathers?? Maybe some poor red fox (not the one from Sanford & Son) is out there in some forest, entirely nude, cold and alone, being teased by all the other little red foxes??? It looks more like fox than feather, if you ask me??

If they really are feathers, they sure aren't typical of what you might see on the average robin!! Unless the robin got a dye job, unaware that some sinister forces were just waiting for a coppery, reddish tinged robin that they could pluck senseless, for the express purpose of one unnecessary wreath!!

I don't know if turkey vultures are protected, or even endangered, but do they have copper feathers?? I've been to a lot of zoos in my day, and rack my brain though I may, I don't recall ever seeing a coppery fowl or pheasant....

Hey, pheasant!! Maybe those feathers use to adorn a ring-necked pheasant!! I'm now getting a mental image of one of their long, long tails, with no further plummage along the rest of the body...the poor little pheasant...

Well, there you have it, folks. We have a (very likely illegal) copper-feathered wreath, whereas banjos are permitted in at least 8 provinces, including Alberta. Go figure...

Chow for now!!

Well, I've got the cold back that my wife and I have been playing "tag' with for the past few weeks. I was in a bit of denial Tuesday, but after emptying 4 boxes of Kleenex on Wednesday, it was getting harder to sell as "just a runny nose".

She's not entirely over hers either, so maybe this time it will just leave the building, and we can return to something other than hacking and honking...

What is hardest of all this is the brave face I am forced to put on for her benefit. What with my typical male ability to withstand complete discomfort, I have to be the rock that she can lean on for support. My natural gift at hiding even pneumonia-like symptoms gives her the strength to carry on, past the minor sniffles she has to combat every day...

With great power, comes great responsibility...

Chow for now!!

I have been known to collect a few things over the years.

OK, I've been known to collect a LOT of things over the years. I see value where others see future landfill items...

It's a mild compulsion, which I've probably inherited from my mother, who never met a Harlequin romance novel she didn't like. I'm not saying she's been at it a long time, but the characters were all just schoolyard friends when she first started reading them...

At any rate, a bit of casual reflection on collectibles got me to thinking the other day...maybe this habit is a bit borderline absurd??

Take the real enthusisatic collectors, for example. These people will not even open what they've bought, for fear of losing future value, should someone makes a movie about their item. Look at how many people are laughing now, after collecting all those Lord Of The Ring Big Gulp cups!!

We recently bought a couple of new Christmas ornaments, matching Donald & Daisy Duck figurines, and the owner of the store just showed them to me in the box. He said most people don't want them to even get exposed to the air!!

Which got me to thinking...

How do you know as a purchaser of collectibles that you are even getting what you've bought, if you can't even open the damn box for fear of oxygen erosion to the product?? What prevents unscrupulous collectibles dealers from opening these packages, filling them up with pumpkin seeds, and selling them to blissfully unaware nerds and mama's boys (which thankfully I can say I'm totally not)??

What's to prevent a sports card dealer from prying open a package of hockey cards with the help of low-level gamma rays, then slipping out the actual cards, and putting in pictures of his family vacation?? If the purchasers never even open these things, the power of the collectibles dealer for abuse is staggering!!

Of course, I could just be blowing smoke out of my beehive here...

Chow for now!!

It has come to my attention that all my bravado about Banjo Quest 2006 getting back on track since The Dixie Chicks show has sort of fizzled out. I guess I'm still trying to find a convincing argument that will finally make Mrs. That Dan Guy relent, and allow a banjo into our home...

*For one thing, banjos are generally acoustic, and therefore would not require further investment in amplifiers and such. That cost-savings alone should make a banjo attractive, but I fear even that is not enough...

*A banjo is very pleasing to the eye, what with the general construction similar to a lollipop. That reminds me, I need more lollipops...

*The upkeep of a banjo would be far less espensive than my guitars, as a banjo typically only has four strings instead of six. That is a savings of over $3.25 a year!!!!

*Some of the biggest names in entertainment have featured banjo on their songs, including Kermit The Frog, Loudon Wainwright III, and Christina Aguilera (at least I'm pretty darn sure). So why not me?? Just sayin'...

*Even kids in Arkansas get to have banjos. Again, just sayin'...

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Chow for now!!

The bottom line for Christmas movies is that they can be completely awful, aside from a happy/touching ending, and all will be forgiven...

Take "Christmas With The Kranks" for example. We watched it last night on Movie Central, and aside from a heartwarming ending, the movie never lived up to the original trailers, prior to release.

It could have had something to do with Tim Allen, who is becoming to acting what Tiger Woods is to Middle-Eastern Cuisine. Or even Jamie Lee Curtis, who over-acted as if expecting someone to tell her she was just being punk'd.

The movie offered nothing new, and even if those advance commercials offered slim hope, the scenes shown in advance were the funniest you could find, sitting through the whole show.

Why am I rambling on about a movie that's over a year old?? Well, for one thing, I have this space to fill, and have yet to buy a new Christmas CD today.

For another, even my easy-going temperament was tested as this thing droned on, so consider yourself forewarned if it should air on your own TV soon.

On the odd side, they did freeze a cat in one scene, which should get the attention of my old PETA pals...

Chow for now!!

I didn't even know Ringo Starr had made a Christmas album...

But it's a darn good one!

Every year I say "no more". I've already got enough holiday music to play a different cd every day in December with out repeating. Then, I accidentally wander into a music store, and end up with things like Ringo's collection of Christmas cover tunes. Bah Humbug!!!!

Who am I kidding? I'm a sucker for a tuxedo and a choir. I actually ensure that I check the shelves every year, and end up lightening the wallet after a few rounds. I think I started in October this year...

We've also started decorating, just a bit behind schedule. We put up one of our two artificial trees last night, and started to test drive other decorations in this new home. We had gone hogwild last year for our last home, but we are finding that this new, more compact abode doesn't feature many of the display places of the last one. We will likely have to alternate shifts holding some of the items, or pack them up until we move again...

Tis the season!!

Chow for now!!

As a humour columnist, one mine I generally fail to venture into is the world of politics.

Right now there’s a provincial race on here in Alberta to determine a new leader for the Conservative party. The ultimate winner of that contest will become Premier, replacing outgoing Ralph Klein, who added enough color to Canadian politics they should really just retire his sweater, and call it a day. Of everyone running, there’s not a soul with his sheer charisma, although there doesn’t seem to be anyone with his affection for barley and malt beverages either, so who am I to say?? Only time will tell if whoever wins will be able to generate headlines like Ralphie did…of course, they could also toss a book at a legislative page like he did…reporters love that sort of thing!

On a federal level, the Liberal party is holding their national convention this weekend, to choose a new leader. This is as exciting to Canadians right now as what the hot new color will be for the 2007 Hyundai station wagons…

As I type out this posting, the frontrunner failed to win on the first ballot, and appears to be losing support going into the second. It’s hard not to compare this anticipation level to The Cliffhanger game on The Price Is Right.

I’m off this morning to a board meeting, so I won’t be able to see the rest of this televised bored meeting…

Chow for now!!

Where does the day go??

Even though I work from home now, I seem to find my time fragmented in a million different directions. It probably doesn't help much that we lead such an active social life, here at That Dan Guy.

However, one perseveres, and eventually those deadlines get met; cds get listened to ; and the cat eventually gets the dishes from the weekend done...

This morning, I was off to what should be getting down to the last of my physio. My impinged nerve (unlike my wife's, whose last one is absolutely trodden upon regularly) is pretty much down to tingling fingertips, and the occasional sore forearm. I can live with that.

Now, I just have to find the time to put away all the heaters and extra blankets we used to get through the premature demise of our furnace....

Chow for now!!

Well, who knew comfort was a mere replaced motor away?? And who would have guessed that in a one-year old home you'd even expect to replace a furnace motor?? Bless the little minds at work, keeping employees gainfully occupied when a little thing like your home heating system dies in -40 weather...

Yes, we got fixed up yesterday morning, and delightful warm air was circulating back throughout our home. My craving for pickled herrings and sardines is diminishing by the hour...

This morning, I must crank out a quick posting, and get my plus-sized bee-hind over to a blood lab, for some of my ongoing diabetic testing for control. I'll confess - I'm just a bit overdue. To compensate, I've cut back on my glazed doughnuts. However, I may have made up for that by substituting chocolate birch bark, and salt-water taffy.... Not good...

Chow for now!

We have decided to take our Eskimo impression to the next level, thanks to our new home's subtrades, or more accurately, some of the equipment they installed.

We returned from a warm little getaway this past weekend to record low temperatures in Calgary. The last recorded time it was this cold at this time of the year (-40 Celsius with the wind chill), people were commuting to work in Conestoga wagons, and Laura Ingalls still had pigtails and a petticoat...

So, we were just starting to get used again to charming little things like frostbite and brittle automotive steel, warmed only by the Celine Dion cds in our family room sound system.

Then we got dealt another surprise. yesterday.

I returned from downtown to find the homestead just a bit nippier than usual, and our sled dogs were nowhere to be seen. Looking at the furnace thermostat, it was 17 degrees, instead of the programmed preference of about 20.

Our furnace, just over a year old, had died it seemed, leaving an open invitation for Jack Frost and Hypo Thermia to stay awhile and party. As of this morning, we have survived by the grace of a gas fireplace, a couple of little ceramic heaters, and the body heat that is provided by incessant sobbing.

We hope to report a return of heat by tomorrow...

Chow for now!!

Ah yes, it seems like just yesterday that we lived in Kelowna, where balmy weather prevailed year-round, and my winter parka was a light windbreaker....

Shovelling the driveway for the second time yesterday here in our new home, I was temporarily blinded by the fogging of my glasses, whenever I breathed. I had bundled up with a fresh buffalo carcass, and Arctic mittens. On the plus side, I couldn't gripe out loud - my lips wouldn't separate.

It's been so long since I've lived in Manitoba I'd forgotten charming little winter diversions, such as square tires on the car, and a need for things like gas line anti-freeze, or lock de-icer spray. It's easy to forget little things like that, distracted slightly as you can be when your fingers have become as rigid as fresh carrots...

We'll get used to it again. After all, we spent most of our lives in this type of climate. Electric boxer shorts are a godsend, and if I look in the closet, I'm pretty sure I still have that old red toque that we all got issued as kids here in Canada.

Chow for now!!

OK, last time with Vegas for now, I promise…

Mrs. That Dan Guy and I were reflecting last night on the history that’s being lost in Vegas, as the market there continually changes to attract the younger crowd, and their deep Texas Hold’em pockets.

When we first started to go many, many years back some of the classic joints were still up and running. We visited and got souvenirs from The Sands, where the Rat Pack of Frank, Sammy & Dean used to rule the strip. That establishment has now been evaporated, much like many of Dean’s drink glasses.

We also got a chance to visit The Dunes, before that hotel and casino was imploded on national TV. I think at the time of that visit we stayed at the original Aladdin, which we heard was bought by Donald Trump while we were there. I think he flipped it, and so did the new owners. There’s even reconstruction going on at this moment at the brand-new Aladdin.

The latest venue to close and get scheduled for the wrecker’s dynamite stick is The Riviera. It won’t be too long before the whole strip gets leveled, and they start over from scratch.

We’ll still be heading out there, on our motorized Rascal scooters, to see what they’ve built to replace it all…

Chow for now!!

Well, what a fine welcome back home to Calgary last night!

It was -31 by the temperature readout on my Jeep’s message center last night (actually morning – we got in at 1:00 AM), which warmed up to a downright balmy -27 by the time we hit downtown. One minute you’re walking down a sunny street in a short-sleeved shirt, sipping on a cold Michelob, the next minute your teeth are chattering the opening drum riff of Led Zeppelin’s “Rock & Roll”. Caramba…

And, it had snowed, so now this morning after I ingest enough coffee to get my internal temperature backup to at least 80 degrees, I’ll have to go shovel the bloody driveway. Mrs. That Dan Guy has already told me to go jump in the lake, after suggesting my pinched nerve would prevent me from doing it myself.

Well, for one thing, we don’t even have a lake anywhere near here, and if we did, it would be frozen solid…

Chow for now!!

All good things must come to an end. Even if we try to hold them back with a shotgun and liberal amounts of Jack Daniels…

Today is our last day in Las Vegas :-(

However, it has been a terrific trip, and last night we attended our last show – the reason we did this sudden impulse run in the first place (after declining 2 previous offers from friends and family). We saw Johnny Mathis, up close and personal. Well, as up close and personal as you can get with almost a 30-piece orchestra…

The very first time we came to Vegas, we saw John Byner, an impressionist famous for introducing the world to Super Dave Osborne, and his wacky impression of Mathis. This time we saw the real deal, and he exceeded any expectations we brought to the show. A voice still like melting butter, and to hear all his hits with a full orchestra, well, all I can say is we were mesmerized.

Somehow we ended up with awesome seats for all of these shows. Last night we were seven rows back. Pretty much the same for Liza and Toni...

Aside from shows, we’ve done the usual scampering between casinos and sightseeing. Best place to us so far has been The Luxor – note to certain family members!!

Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but we still have a few loose coins jingling that need to find a home!

Chow for now!!

OK, before we get going this morning (which by the way gets later every day), let me just say that I am a lifelong, card-carrying heterosexual, that just happens to have a wider scope of appreciation for musical sty lings maybe than someone named Bubba…

So when I tell you that my wife and I took in the Liza Minelli show here in Vegas last night, all that means is that we got to see one of the most legendary names in music still performing today.

After all, despite all the recent melodramas in her own life, and maybe one of the worst radars EVER for her own partners, she is the daughter of Judy Garland, and star of multiple mediums. I can’t say for sure, but it’s unlikely she’s ever had to wait for Ryan Seacrest to tell her she’s safe for another week…

We knew going in there was going to be some big moments, and we got those with her kick-ass performances of Cabaret and New York New York. But what we didn’t expect was her interpretations of other artists’ songs, plus the songbook she has of her own to reach back into. Simply put, sensational. Which when I say that, may be the reason I felt the need to clarify things earlier…

Chow for now!!

I’ve got two words that sum up our first full day in Vegas yesterday: Hooters.

In our travels, we ended up at this latest addition to the…uh…colour of The City Of Lights. And we quite enjoyed it!! Not bad gambling, the place is indeed well thought out, and had loads of nice food and beverage facilities. We may end up back there today. Just our little way of supporting those poor owls…

And, once again, live comedy takes a back seat here in Las Vegas. We tossed around adding another show to our lineup last night, and considered either Rita Rudner, George Wallace, or Carrot Top. We decided on George because, well, he’s getting old, and may not be here the next time we are.

Phoning the box office at The Flamingo, I heard a promo for the new Toni Braxton Experience, in the main showroom. Mrs. That Dan Guy, who has ears like a military bat, heard it as well. Game over, we were off to see Ms. Braxton.

And by the way, if you only know of Braxton’s mega-hit Unbreak My Heart, this lady has one heck of a song catalogue, and knows how to entertain the Bejeesus out of a crowd. We had a blast!!

As did Mr. Wayne Brady, and Alfonso Ribeiro (Carlton from The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air), who turned out to be seated just a few tables away from us…

The adventure continues!!

Chow for now!

The company has left the building, and so have we!!

Bringing our hacking, wheezing, cold-wracked bodies down to the airport last night, we got on a plane, and ended up in some place called Las Vegas...

On the flight down, we could barely keep our eyes open, and Mrs. That Dan Guy was struggling with a sore throat.

As the plane touched the runway, all that went out the window, as we hit the ground running after check-in, and spent the next four hours on the casino floor like super-hyper dervishes on full-out overdrive. Or, in layman terms, a pair of excited chickens, too dumb to know their heads have been cut off...

Wahoo!!

More to come!

Chow for now!!

You Know You Have Family Visiting When:

The first day is the only day as hosts that you keep the place as immaculate as it was when they arrived…

Even by the first breakfast morning of their stay, bed hair isn't even close to being a concern. Not even by 3:30 in the afternoon…

The first morning breakfast – a buffet of dizzying choices that would make Horatio Sanz salivate… The rest of the visit – stale cereal and toast…

By the second night, you are blaming odd lingering odours on “random methane emissions”. Hey, you’re in Alberta for Pete’s sake…

Due to a bizarre mutual bout of insomnia, you accidentally almost share a bed with your brother-in-law. Twice!

You've worn a lamp shade on your head, and it's still a few weeks to Christmas...

The staff at the neighborhood bar hollers out "Norm!!" everytime you saunter in, this past week.

Chow for now!!

It is entirely inexplicable…

Once again, we are just about to depart on a little getaway, and once again Mrs. That Dan Guy is getting sick. And once again, I am the one that has passed on what was once just an amusing frog in the throat, but is now a full-blown cold. Every freakin’ time…

The Ghetto Gang visit continues. Yesterday we watched the BC Lions maul those cute little Quebec birdies. It was painful. Whoever is in charge of allowing lions to compete against birds should be shot.

After the game, we all went out sightseeing. Did we go view the Calgary Tower?

No…

Did we peruse the incredible array of wild animals at the Calgary Zoo??

No…

Did we at least take a drive through historic Inglewood, the original downtown Calgary???

No…

We ended up at Calgary Casino, almost the first landmark you see driving out of the airport. But, they do have western sculptures in and outside the building, so it felt like a tourist attraction. Not exactly Banff…

Chow for now!!

Last night I found myself trapped in a 1980's Dudley Moore movie...

We went to bed a little late last night, after a 3-game match of Bumper Pool with the Ghettos. The men ultimately triumphed over the ladies. We were - in a word - awesome.

Exhausted after such an extended athletic output, I fell asleep almost immediately. Until about 1:30 AM, when this recurring frog in my throat began ribbiting again...

And nothing would stop it. Trying to clear my airwaves by blowing my nose, each box of Kleenex I reached for ran out after offering up one flimsy piece of facial tissue. The cough syrup I guzzled only made my hacking taste like I was trying to expel a cherry-flavored hairball..

So, I got up, and went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea, and read a bit. Only by then nature suddenly called, and I had to make a trip to our main floor powder room. Where I promptly plugged the ongoing bane of my existence...

After returning to the bedroom and awakening Mrs. That Dan Guy again, I used my amateur plumbing skills to clear the clog, and then had to deal with some post-nasal drip from bending over. The Kleenex box offered up one flimsy piece of nasal tissue...empty!!

I went back to bed and fell asleep around three am, but I had considered grabbing a throw and sleeping on the reclining sofa in our family room. Recounting this tale of woe over breakfast, it turns out I must have just passed Mr. Ghetto in the hall, having the same slumber problem I was. He DID end up grabbing the throw, and sleeping on the sofa.

We might have had an awkward moment explaining sharing that sofa in the morning, when our wives discovered us...

Chow for now!!!

We're In The Ghetto!

or

Ghetto Comes To Town...

Our first visitors to this latest home have arrived, just in time for tomorrow's Grey Cup finale. We are polishing up our hospitality, and tucking away the good silver - the in-laws are in town!!

Ghetto Girl & Mr. Ghetto (no relation to Mr. Geico) arrived last night, and will remain until early next week. Aside from running them around to show off our new home town, we will also have to modify some of our daily routines - such as breaking wind willy-nilly first thing in the morning, and streaking slowly down to the coffee pot...

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In between shuttling them last night, I had to pop out to attend a book launch for the Alexandra Writers' Centre Society, or which I am both a member and a board member. I handle the publicity portfolio, which was off to a rocky start last night. Someone must have shot the homing pigeons I dispatched to the various media outlets, as NOTHING appeared anywhere to promote the event...ugh...

I am also dealing with a small frog on my throat. Nothing serious,but those legs of his sure can flop around...

Chow for now!!

To whomever on the tech team here at Blogger.com that anonymously repaired my woeful blog site, my humble thanks. It looks so much better...

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I have discovered this past week that I have absolutely zero resistance when it comes to Christmas decorations.

My wife and I already have boxes and boxes of festive decor in the basement, but already this season we have bought cowboy-related ornaments for our tree, as we now live in a cowboy-themed province. We buckled like a big ole belt with a steer head stamped on it...

We've also picked up a wreath that matches our new colour schemes in this current house, although the old green one probably would have worked just as well. Mrs. That Dan Guy tried sneaking it into the house, but I could tell by the shade of the feathers it wasn't a new hat.

And, the other day at Canadian Tire I looked longingly at an inflatable 6' snowglobe for the yard, with a Santa & reindeer Merry-Go-Round inside. Like Barnum said, there's one born every minute, and I am reincarnated on a regular basis this time of year...

Chow for now!!

I believe we experienced our first Chinook yesterday, and it turns out to be a weather pattern, NOT a really large salmon with magical powers...

It was +12 degrees driving home last night (Celsius), so you can only imagine how sweltering it was. We had to have the air conditioning on in the car!! It was all I could do to keep from ripping my shirt off, and using it as a makeshift beret. Why I would even think about doing that is anybody's guess...

It is kind of odd, having a stretch of biting cold, then having to rifle through your drawers for your jogging shorts and silk muscle shirt. I guess we'll get used to it...

Chow for now!!


Hey, my site is back to normal!! How did that happen?????

I had a little tickle in my throat just before bedtime last night. Nothing to worry about I thought, just head off to bed...

Well, at 1:30 AM I awoke with a severely sore throat, and deep cough. Trying to lie back down, I couldn't breath. Swell!!

So, I got out of bed, and sucked on a Halls cough drop. That helped, but I still couldn't quit trying to clear my airway of what had developed into a medium-sized furball, with some unruly pieces of residual fur.

Downstairs I went, to make a cup of tea with honey, and two splashes of cough syrup for good measure. TV at 2:20 AM leaves much to be desired for anyone not interested in how to make $10,000 in just 4 days with no work yourself, or how to easily conceal male pattern balding.

I did set the VCR for that though...

I ended up reading some of Bob Newhart's exceptional new biography "I Shouldn't Even Be Doing This". But it was so good I was staying up, instead of trying to saw some logs in my warm and fuzzy bed.

Which I went back to at about 3:15 AM. However, my cough was still preventing me from sleeping, and now I had gone and woken up Mrs. That Dan Guy. Who advised me to try having some tea with honey before rolling over and trying to get back to sleep herself.

Up again, I had a second cup of tea, and alternated between hacking and chuckling. This Newhart book is just terrific... I think I did manage to fall asleep around 5 AM.

Anyhow, I sit before you today, bleary and weary. However I have a seminar to attend this afternoon, so sleep will have to wait until I get home later tonight.

At least the furball is a little smaller now....

Chow for now!!

Check back later....full plate this morning....

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OK, back from the travels!!

Yikes, busy morning today. Two rounds of back-to-back physiotherapy, for the now happily-diminishing arm and neck woes.

Literally back to back, as each therapist today tried to discover new ways to make me holler "Uncle!". I can understand the relation of these two issues to my back, but for the life of me I can't understand why one of them makes me do those hula hoop exercises...

After physio, I had to rush off to do some grocery shopping, which I can respect is likely not exactly earth-shaking news, but after having to discard all of our left-over Halloween candy due to the recent salmonella scare, I needed to replenish our "sweet" stock. Thirteen pounds of saltwater taffy should do the trick...

I also have a few more stops to make today, but I felt lunch was a necessary stop, as a cartoon I saw earlier in the newspaper made me really hungry.

On that, has anybody been reading the new Chuckle Brothers cartoons in the paper?? These Canadian guys are writing a brand-new syndicated comic strip, which reminds me a lot of The Far Side and such. Today's strip was a picture of a couple of chickens boarding a KFC airlines flight, and commenting to one another about how maybe that wasn't such a great idea!!

Chow for now!!

Still no luck getting my site here to look normal again. The profile and links are way down at the end of my postings. Quality control here at That Dan Guy is clearly marginal at best...

So, how is everyone's holiday shopping going so far?? Judging by retail displays, we should have started before Halloween. Most new displays I saw for this past October 31st event were tucked way back behind enormous Christmas decoration stacks, and the latest gizmos to celebrate Santa's arrival. Makes you feel like a procrastinator if you haven't already gotten busy hanging lights and mistletoe.

Do retailers really think that we might forget to do our annual pilgrimage to the malls? Or do they feel we now need more than just the 12 Days of Christmas to fulfill that trek?? When I'm debating real versus artificial trees with my neighbor in August, I think the holiday has maybe gone a little awry...

One problem I face every year is having the wherewithal to resist opening my wife's presents before Christmas morning. I've already opened her new Meat Loaf cd (the bat is back, third time's the charm!!), and I charged her cordless weed-wacker, just to ensure it works before the warranty runs out.

Chow for now!!

Last night my wife and I caught one of the last performances of Stage West Dinner Theatre's current production of "Dream Girls". This was our second time at this venue, and last night's production was even better than the one before.

Part of the fun is that this Tony-award winning musical is a pretty thin riff on the rise of Diana Ross & The Supremes. It also doesn't hurt that for a dinner theatre production, the professionalism was unbelievable. Indicated by a note at the entry, playing the lead role of discarded Dreamette Effie for our showing was the understudy, and she made you wonder how good the other actress had to be, if this one hadn't been the frontrunner. She was a freakin' powerhouse!!

Considering this production is just about done, the place was packed to the rafters. I'm serious - we actually saw people in the rafters.

Maybe it was a mezzanine, they do keep that area fairly dark...

The only downside of this venue is the buffet that's part of your admission. Picture to the contrary, I eat like a bird. A small, cute bird - too polite to ask for seconds at a family barbecue.

However, at a buffet, especially a terrific one like we visited last night, I swell to more...well. ostrich-like proportions regarding my appetite, and even eat stuff I wouldn't touch on a dare here at home. Drives the missus crazy...

Chow for now!!

Today I'm going to post a column of mine that ran last year at this time:

Remembering Toy Guns & Soldiers…

As a kid back in the late 60’s, I would often join with other youngsters in the neighborhood, and the whole gang of us would play War.
Sure, sometimes we played as cowboys, or space explorers, but the war games we most always ended up playing were probably inspired by the popularity of similar-themed American TV shows back then, like Vic Morrow’s gritty “Combat!” or the clever “Rat Patrol”, which incidentally happened to star a pre-“Young & Restless” Eric Braeden (Victor Newman, but it’s not like I watch the damn show…I’m just a stockpile of general trivial knowledge. PS – he didn’t have his moustache back then.).
War as a group game was great to play as a kid because you didn’t need much else aside from your imagination, and a stick for a rifle. Oh sure, most of us that were regulars eventually ended up with realistic toy accessories, but you weren’t left out just because your parents hadn’t bought you a plastic cap gun from Woolco before the weekend.
If you wanted to, you could spend your entire allowance on anything from a plastic camouflage helmet, to a toy bazooka that fired bomb-shaped missiles. A buddy and I actually ordered the “real” submarine that you could order off the back page of one of our comic books. Sadly, the submarine never did arrive, nor did we ever see our money again. Probably just as well, I would likely not fit in it today anyway…
Even more elaborate than the life-sized war gear for us kids were the countless accessories for G.I. Joe action figures, for whom you could purchase everything from a scuba set, to snappy Navy dress whites. Oh yeah, and a very realistic-looking acoustic guitar, because Elvis had one in “G.I. Blues”…
We read comic books, like Marvel’s Sgt. Fury, and comic strips like Sad Sack & Beetle Bailey. But clearly, it wasn’t just us kids that were fascinated by war. As I mentioned earlier, TV had loads of serious war shows that parents watched as well, and some admittedly not so serious, like Hogan’s Heroes. As a kid, I often wondered how Richard Dawson finally made it out of Stalag 13, and onto hosting Family Feud…
The movie theatres offered up their own interpretations and recreations, with a leathery John Wayne biting a hand grenade, or captaining PT boats in epic after epic. Mr. Wayne ultimately represented every branch of the military over the course of his career, even The Green Berets. That one even had a hit song.
Which brings us to music and war…
Around the time my chums and I were rolling around in the battlefield grass of someone’s front yard (and hopefully missing what Rover might have deposited earlier), music artists were shifting from patriotic anthems about war, to protesting it. “Give Peace A Chance”. “For What It’s Worth”. Edwin Starr’s “War”. “Springtime For Hitler”.
OK, that last one was Mel Brooks, but the point is the artists were reaching a society growing increasingly weary of war, and moving away from the patriotic ditties of the 40’s & 50’s.
Until 9/11…
After an unprecedented attack on U.S. soil, the gloves were off again, and music reflected the stunned feelings of a nation. Country artists led the charge, with Alan Jackson’s emotional “Where Were You”, and a slightly more direct sentiment within Toby Keith’s “Courtesy Of The Red White & Blue”. Elton John, in his lavish new Red Piano show in Las Vegas frames his 70’s classic song Daniel with a moving video tribute to Daniel Pearl, the Wall Street Journal reporter kidnapped and killed in Pakistan, a victim of this new war on terrorism. The first minute alone, morphing on a wounded young soldier in the foreground, sucks the breath right out of you…
Yeah, playing War as a carefree kid may have been fun, but as an adult, I couldn’t be happier that in my lifetime the sacrifices made by others ensured that I’d grow up to the ripe old age that I have so far, without ever having had to strap on a real gun with a group of my own young buddies.
As of this writing, many others have not been so lucky.
Lest We Forget…

©November 11, 2005 Dan St.Yves

I give up....

I probably shouldn't bite the hand that allows me to do this for free every day, but as you might have noticed, this page has become a visual mess.

My profile and other information is floating somewhere around the bottom of the page, and the page itself looks as if I brought it into Bobby Two-Finger's Instant-But-Not-Terribly-Accurate Blogging Service.

Apparently this may only be an issue for anybody using Internet Explorer, so maybe I should write a brisk letter of dissatisfaction to Bill Gates.

I've even tried republishing the thing, but it still looks like a loopy criminal on the lam did this while he was running way. On a pogo stick...

Ugh...

Of course, I could post this now and everything will be back to normal, so if that happens to be the case, I offer my humblest apologies....

Chow for now!!

We are currently at war....

with every blasted toilet in our home!!!!!!!!

This has to be one of the simplest household appliances, next to the common free-standing bread box but we can't master a single one of them.

We've got toilets that run, toilets that double flush, and toilets that play dead. I've got chains in the tanks that slip off, chains that get hooked and require surgery to get untangled. I've got chains that are trying to make a run for freedom down the very drain they are supposed to be operating in the first place.

And don't even get me started on ballcocks....

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem...

Chow for now!!!

Jeez, I shoulda just stayed in bed this morning….

I awoke to the disturbing news today that Britney Spears and Mr. Britney Spears have filed for divorce. She is citing irreconcilable differences.

How irreconcilable can those differences be, for the love of all that is bright and shiny??

She’s a dancer, and Mr. Britney is a dancer.

She’s a singer, and Mr. Britney is a….

Well, OK, there’s at least one difference that just may really be irreconcilable!!

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Hey! Our Flames won a game!!

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If you want to weigh in on the great James Blunt Rocks/James Blunt Sucks debate, go back a couple of days and add your comments to that appropriate posting…

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Hmm. This has suddenly become a potpourri today. “I’ll take Potent Potables for $200, Alex!”

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If there’s a finite amount of lobsters in the ocean, will there be a restaurant chain simply named “Red” someday??

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Chow for now!!

Just a brief entry this morning, as I am running late to head into town for my physio....

And appropriately, my brain is barren at the moment....

We'll continue this later.

Chow for now!!

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And, we're back!!

Say, if you're looking for something different to fill some time, why not consider catching Prince at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas??

Starting Nov. 10th, His Purpleness will be appearing every Friday and Saturday night at 3121 - a new club in that hotel.

For a mere $2875. US per person, you can catch The Paisley Funkmaster in this rush seating venue, and according to the website, he has no scheduled time he wil be appearing. The Nov. 24th and 25th dates indicate a midnight show.

But, at that price per person, you may want to be a little conservative at the gaming tables beforehand. You may also need to be Bill Gates...

Chow (again) for now!!

Oh, the humiliation...

In one ill-fated fell swoop, both my (original) hometown Blue Bombers, and my (new) hometown Stampeders will be curling, cross-country skiing or knitting instead of competing for the Grey Cup.

Life is cruel, and/or worse...

Anyhow, moving on:

"The Monday Morning Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-I-Go-Anyway Concert Review" - The Dixie Chicks!

(Or, Why I Will Never Be A Professional Concert Reviewer)

OK people, first off - Banjo Quest 2006 is back, with a vengeance!!

I spent most of last night in Banjo Heaven, as The Dixie Chicks appeared here for the first of TWO shows in The Saddledome. And what a show!!

These chicks aren't so much Dixie as they are p'd off these days, but does that ever make for a great live performance. Whatever they were sellin', the crowd was buyin'. Before they even hit the stage the crowd roared over a promotional video for their upcoming documentary "Shut Up & Sing".

When they did arrive, the crowd on the floor got up on their collective feet, and stayed that way on through the encores (one of which was an exceptional acoustic Chicks-only version of Travelling Soldier).

And, as fate would have it, we ended up on the side of the stage where Emily Robison (and her banjo) was stationed.

All I can say is that when they did "I'm Not Ready To make Nice" live, with all the genuine emotion and anger that that song addresses, the arena went a little loopy. That performance makes songs like "Cowboy Take Me Away" a little inconsequential...

The irony here is that when The Dixie Chicks first broke out, we didn't much care for them. We even missed their mainstage appearance when we attended The Merritt Mountain Music Festival on their first big North American tour.

However, by the time they released Top Of The World, we had started to listen to them, and really enjoyed what they were doing.

We certainly enjoyed what they were doing last night...

Viva la Banjo!!!!!!!!

Oh, and by the way, I was a little confused about who their warm-up act was. I had heard it was going to be Rob Schneider, which sounded to me just a little odd. I mean, I know he used to do Elvis impressions on SNL, but he's primarily known for making juvenile and entirely tasteless movies.

Turned out to be Texas alt-country singer/songwriter BOB Schneider, who did a mighty fine job as well...and as a bit of trivia, he's touring with the bass player from Los Lobos.

Chow for now!!

Spent the better part of an hour yesterday waiting in line at Coles TD Square Bookstore in downtown Calgary, for a chance to meet Stuart McLean, author and host of the popular CBC Radio program The Vinyl Cafe
http://www.cbc.ca/vinylcafe/index.html .

For anyone out there that may be beginning to wonder if I just make this stuff up every day, see the lovely photo over to the right, as "Exhibit A".

And thanks to my lovely wife, who also doubles as an amateur photographer among her many other talents!

Now if only she could figure out a few camera tricks, to make me look a little bit less like a pregnant water buffalo...is that a fan beside Stuart, or is Barney wearing pants now??

At any rate, the reason I was thrilled to stand in line for over an hour is that this guy is far and away my favorite Canadian writer, and I have a lot of those.

He was scheduled to sign copies of his new book Secrets From The Vinyl Cafe until 2 pm, but when we walked back by at about that time, the crowd was still lined up almost into the Sears store,which is pretty much in the next mall.

And he still had his warm signature smile on his face...

Coming up tonight - The Dixie Chicks, and yes Virginia, there will be banjos!!

Chow for now!!

Um, some people may want to just skip past today’s entry. Especially certain collectibles proprietors in Winnipeg…

Just sayin’…

The Saturday Morning “Nobody-Asked-Me-To-But-Here-I-Go-Anyway” Concert Review” – James Blunt

OK, I’m not going to lie here. We first caught wind of this guy on Saturday Night Live, and became instant fans. Big fans. But I’m also the same guy that has seen Chris de Burgh live in concert almost a half dozen times AND Leo Sayer at least once, so clearly I have no inner strength for resisting high-pitched male voices.

At any rate, we were not alone at this event, as Mr. Blunt packed out the Saddledome for his show.

The crowd was somewhat demographically similar to the one that also attended The Who recently, however unlike those fans, these people will likely remember where they were last night. Not a whiff of narcotic substances in the air that I could detect, although I could swear at one point I could smell lavender vanilla cranberry candles…

Actually, the crowd was skewed just a shade to the female side, but there were lots of guys there as well.

Opening act Starsailor was a bit Matchbox 20ish, with their lead singer and guitarist even looking a bit like Rob Thomas. I wouldn’t have known them if I tripped over them on the subway, but they got the crowd going, and the younger ones clearly knew their hit.

They did do a terrific unplugged medley of two Neil Young tunes though, before kicking into Silence is Easy, so I’d have to say we enjoyed them as well…

But we weren’t there to see starry sailors, we were there to see James Blunt, dammit!

Which we did.

I never got to experience Beatlemania, but this guy came dangerously close to maybe being a distant relative of that hysteria. The crowd went freakin’ nuts, and the younger members of that female-skewed audience squealed incessantly. And sang along with every song. Even the new ones!! Which by the way, if you enjoyed his first album, the next one sounds just as good.

If you hated it, prepare for another year of Bluntmania…

But I digress. Mr. Blunt was an excellent showman, and the comparison to classic Chris de Burgh is not at all unfair, as he uses some similar melodramatic devices in his songwriting. And he can cover Supertramp pretty well as well, apparently. Both he and his warm-up act used a fair bit of wah-wah pedal, which you just don't hear much anymore...

Two big thumbs, way, way up!!

Chow for now!!

Requiem For A Rodent...

It's been a tough go for rodents these past few days.

First off, there was Roseanne Barr whacking squirrels with a slingshot on last night's episode of My Name Is Earl.

Before that, Calgary made national news this week after banning the Saskatchewan Roughriders mascot Gainer The Gopher from the semi-final playoff game here tomorrow. Something about Prairie Dog Norwalk Virus, or uncontrollable diarrhea. I'm not sure what the true official word is, but the gopher is grounded.

As far as Gainer goes, we've been to a CFL game here when Saskatchewan is in town. Those fans are profuse, and crazy. Adding a gopher mascot with highly contagious strains of malaria and grasshopper breath just doesn't sound like a good idea to me...

And, still somewhat in the rodent family, it would appear that we have an obsessive compulsive rabbit in our neighborhood.

With fresh snow everywhere, we are seeing rabbit tracks throughout our back yard. Actually, we've seen Bugs himself a few times.

His habit appears to be running madly around the yard, but now we are seeing patterns. He (or she) runs in exactly the same line several times, before repeating the process in a different line.

Except for the other night, when a larger set of footprints adjacent to his (or hers) indicated a chase may have been afoot!!

A-whoooooo!!

Chow for now!!

It dawns on me this morning (hey, a bad pun!!) that I haven't talked about our TV viewing habits lately, so let's discuss that this morning...

So, to set the tone, let me just admit that my wife and I DO NOT watch any super-popular shows, like Desperate Housewives, House, or any of the Idol series. No particular reason, but admittedly it does make for some awkward moments around the water cooler most mornings.

The fact that I work at home and feel compelled to linger around our water cooler may be a bigger concern in the long run, anyhow...

So, how do we fill in time if we don't watch the highest-rated TV shows??

To start, we have adopted a couple of shows that feature the former Grand Poobah of the rock band KISS, Mr. Gene Simmons. We have been thoroughly enjoying the tongue-in-cheek peek inside their family lives on Family Jewels. And, we have just gotten on the Gene Simmons: Rock School band wagon, which I fear may still have plenty of available seats even now.

What are we watching from this new season's offerings? Well, we started to watch Heroes, but after falling asleep during every episode to date, I think we'll bail on that one.

LOVE 30 Rock, the new comedy with Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, who has yet to be as embarrassing onscreen as he can be in real life. Also, the show that follows that one, Twenty Good Years is good for a laugh or two.

There's probably more, but I have to run. Physio beckons!!

Chow for now!

"Is it hot in here, or is it just my feathers?"

This is just another example of why I can't expect a normal day in our household. Ever...

Mrs. That Dan Guy had to dress up for Halloween yesterday, and the character she had to appear as was Mrs. Peacock, from the Clue board game. Her entire collective of colleagues at work was a virtual gameboard of Clue characters.

However, as Mrs. Peacock, her costume included a large blue boa, with what I have to assume are entirely natural blue feathers. They make for excellent insulation (hence the concern over temperature), and even feature a molting feature, as I have found remnants of the boa throughout the house.

She spent most of yesterday spitting out wayward pieces that floated up around her face...kind-of like watching Sylvester after dining on a very cold Tweety (sorry, PETA, but it's nature's way!!)...

Today is a normal workday, so I am hoping to get through breakfast without a peep (heh heh heh).

Chow for now!!

Portrait Of A Bus Boob...

Further confirmation of my theory here in Calgary that when car doors close, so do drivers' brains...

Yesterday we were driving into town during a particularly long rush hour. The weekend snowfall likely added 45 minutes to our trip.

As we approached the bridge that gets you into downtown, some bozo was on my tail, chomping at the bit to get past, despite poor driving conditions. I chose the right hand lane, and sure enough he hit the gas, and came roaring up beside me.

However, he either failed to notice, or chose to ignore that the light had changed, and traffic coming from his left was now proceeding. I'm assuming that somewhere in that neck pod with hair he thought he could proceed anyway.

Until he saw the city bus careening towards him, and the poor bus driver having to stand on the brakes to avoid turning him into Cream Of Idiot soup...

We had front row seats as this guy almost became a Flyer Industries hood ornament. However, the joke would have lost a little of the giggle for us, once the impact of the bus pushed him sideways into our vehicle. Thankfully, the bus driver was able to avoid all of that.

Like the light in a closed refrigerator, all is dim when some people get behind the wheel out here...

Hey, do kids still play xylophones these days??

Man, I remember we all used to get xylophones, back when I was a still a youngster. You could whack away at those melodic strips all day long, and not once have two notes fall into a sequence resembling a song.

Did they fade away because of that perceived violent feature - thumping away at the instrument with two long sticks that featured solid ping-pong balls at the end of them??

If so, how cruel a world it has become...

Chow for now!!

This time it looks like it's gonna stay....

We awoke this morning to a healthy blanket of fresh snow outside. I can't verify the actual health of the snow, but for all intents and purposes, let's just assume all is well for the collective flakes...

Inside the house, the flakes aren't doing so bad either.

We had plans to run out and do some shopping, but I think we'll observe this phenomenom from inside today. When it snowed here earlier this month, there was an 80-car pileup on one of the major thoroughfares. It may be prudent to let a few other cars mingle before we try driving.

So, we'll just continue to stand in front of our front window, Hot Rum Toddies in hand.

Hey, getting off topic, I think my newspaper delivery person has a pretty good union. Whoever it is doing the dropoffs, the individual seems to be able to choose their own hours. Some days I get a morning paper, others are more afternoonish. Some days the little scamp even has me calling the newspaper office directly, trying to determine if I even still have a subscription.

With today's snowfall, I think I'll be whistling for awhile for today's...

Finally, something was nagging away at me, after yesterday's posting. I told my wife that the keyboard player looked familiar, playing along with blues guitarist Amos Garrett the other night. After doing some Googling (I was going to say Doodling, but I don't think that's right), I discovered that he is the former lead singer for pioneer Canadian rock band Crowbar.

Hmmm. Maybe "pioneer" and "rock band" are two exclusive terms... Anyhow, it was to my mind a cool bit of trivia for anybody out there that remembers the '70's.

Chow for now!!

I have been guilty of a touch of artistic licence occasionally here, where I stretch the truth a bit.

Ok, that's another good example. Quite often, I incorporate complete bald-faced lies if I think it might make a piece funny.

Today, I am going to swear on a stack of Archie comics that what I am about to tell you is completely true. Well, parts anyway...

So, dropping my wife off at work yesterday morning, we happened to notice a rather large, and very cavalier coyote toodling down the alley, around her office building. Remember, she works in DOWNTOWN Calgary! Which didn't seem to bother Wile E. at all.

We watched him walk by another commuter before he disappeared around the other side of the building.

Mrs. That Dan Guy caught up to her other colleague to ask if he had seen the coyote as well, and it turns out this critter is often downtown, in that very same area she used to take to walk to work every day when we were living downtown!!! Yikes!!

Anyway, so apparently we have a regular commuting coyote here in town, and to be honest, I was feeling a little sorry for him, as he appeared to just be walking on three of his legs.

Then I found out that he used the other one to hold his Starbucks, which just makes perfect sense...

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So, this is also how wacky our life can be. We decided to go out after a long week of work last night, and hit a local casino for kicks.

After making a quick and permanent deposit to the Alberta Gaming Commission's coffers, we decided to hit the lounge for a moment.

And who should be playing there but Canadian blues legend Amos Garrett http://www.melmusic.com/Amos_Garrett/index.html , which is unique in that he has recorded with some of the biggest names in the music business, but also Bonnie Raitt, who we literally just saw live in concert the other night.

He was excellent, by the way.

Chow for now!