Howdy, Humans!!

Charlie Chicken here today, filling in for Banjo Bob, the turkey that usually fills these postings...

Holy crap, is it cold in this joint, or is it just me?????

So, if you're not aware, Calgary goes smoke-free tomorrow. Aside from a few coops that have installed special exhaust units, every other bar, restaurant, and cheap gin joint around this burg will be a haven for non-smokers.

Not like they couldn't feel free to go to public places before this policy. There were always libraries, shopping malls, and dentist's offices. But the crybabies wanted more!! "We want to eat in fresh air" they complained.

Hey, how about having a sandwich on the roof of your car!!

Anyways...

So, I'm enjoying this one last cigarette, before I risk becoming a hardened criminal, if I light up in the bowling alley like I've done every Saturday night for years...

Cluck for now!!

I probably come across as one of those grumpy old farts, on occasion. Especially when it comes to drivers, here in Calgary.

While Calgarians can be some of the nicest people you will ever meet, there are some citizens here that defy description when they get behind the wheel of a vehicle. Wait, no, I take that back. They become complete morons...

I can back this up with having held THREE provincial drivers' licenses in my life so far. Moving from Manitoba to B.C. inspired a column that ended up in my book. Moving from B.C. to Alberta has inspired nightmares - we generally kiss the ground whenever we arrive where we're going, if we get there in one piece!!

Think I'm exaggerating? Take a little cruise around town during a snow storm here. The morning express train in Tokyo takes more precautions than the average driver here. Sure, a few people slow down, but they only provide an obstacle course for the turkeys that feel they still need to go 110 kms in a 60 km zone...

On her drive to work yesterday, Mrs. That Dan Guy decided that now, just to amuse herself, she would shout out "Hot Dog!!", every time one of these nitwits raced by. When she shared that with me, I liked it so much that we played the game on the way home from the shopping centre last night. We only live 15 minutes away, and got in SIX hearty "Hot Dogs!!" along the way. Poor driving conditions, and these 6 guys (or gals) would have passed the space shuttle during a launch...

Our word for the day: "Hot Dog!!"

Chow for now!!

This is what a writer has to do when he wakes up with an empty head...just post a "classic" seasonal photo from days gone by, and then hope that something gels from the image.

So, this is a photo Of Mrs. That Dan Guy, from before we started to date. Her old boyfriend (pictured) was similar to myself, at least in size and choice of soft drink. Barry was a pretty nice guy, as a matter of fact. His biggest problem was having to conform to society's pesky rule about wearing clothes in public...

He sures looks happy in that photo!! I can "bearly' stand to look at it...

I'm not sure about what ever happened to Barry. We had heard something about him moving to an ice shelf in the Antarctic, but I hope it wasn't the same one that collapsed recently.

We had also heard that he was getting involved in the stock market, but his timing would have been off in this bull market...

Oh well, what's past is past. Just like today's posting....(thank God...)

Chow for now!!

Winter has returned to Calgary.

After several mild days, and no new snow since before Christmas, we got the white stuff again yesterday, along with high winds to help pile up the drifts.

Now I can understand that in places like Kelowna, Vancouver, or Bora Bora, snow is somewhat rare, and therefore a fresh skiff of the stuff presents a challenge, whilst behind the wheel of a moving car or truck. However, here in the prairies, winter comes every FREAKIN' YEAR!!!!!!! Why is it that people here haven't come to the simple conclusion that poor road conditions suggest perhaps even just the slightest correction to typical driving conditions??

We've seen people flying by, and that's just in the drive-thru lane at Starbucks.

We've seen people fishtailing into a complete corkscrew maneuver, without a wine bottle in sight.

We've seen impatient dough-heads gas up their beast, with absolutely no regard for the laws of physics. You can only hope (as they sail over an embankment) that your own insurance costs aren't affected by their poor judgement. Or that maybe you can pick up their refurbished, write-off BMW real cheap...

Slow down, boys and girls. Point B will still be there, even if it takes 12 minutes more to get there...

Chow for now!!

Well, Christmas is over, and Wrestling Day has passed by as well. Sure, some may call it Boxing Day, but have you ever been in a department store on Dec. 26th?? All-Star Rasslin', my friends...

We now have the sweet sounds of banjo in our home, and an alternate feather wreath for the current one hanging on our door. We can even frame a rubber chicken in either one.

One of our artificial Xmas trees expired last night, twinkling no more. I'll take a look at it, but it may be far more prudent to just let it go, rather than tinker with something that utilizes an electric current. That is, after all, how our hamster died (unexpectedly)...apparently they DON'T utilize electric currents...("Clear!" seems to work on ER)....

Sadly, life must get back to normal now. Pretty soon we'll be tearing down the decorations, and maybe some copper-colored bird will regain his or her dignity, if I can toss the old feather wreath out into the backyard while Mrs. That Dan Guy is polishing the silver.

We've gone through more batteries than that slack-ass Eveready Bunny could promptly supply, and even had to replace a strand of those new-fangled LED lights, that are supposed to last forever. I found a way to break something even THAT hardy...

Back to work, boys & girls!! Just a few more days until New Year's Eve!!

Chow for now!!

Just like in the holiday movie Polar Express, if you believe, Christmas wishes do come true...

Banjo Quest 2006 ended on a happy note, with a banjo under our Christmas tree. And, I now will be spending much of 2007 learning at least how to tune the damn thing.

Mrs. That Dan Guy has agreed to allow me to practice whenever I want to, as long as she's nowhere near the house.

She has also suggested that perhaps I set the bar too low for Banjo Quest 2006. With that in mind, there's no time like the present to unveil Cadillac Escalade Quest, 2007!! I've always dreamed of one day being able to drive to the corner grocery store, in the rare degree of comfort offered by the Cadillac Corporation. To feel plush leather beneath my plush derriere; to have the strains of Snoop Dogg droppin' it like it's hot, all the way down the block...

Ladies and gentlemen, Cadillac Escalade Quest, 2007 - for the dreamer in all of us...

Chow for now!!

From the staff and management of "Such Is Life":

Merry Christmas Everybody!!

(Especially to those that celebrate the holiday. And, for family members missing those red socks this year, please enjoy the attached photo!!)

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Just a quick posting this morning, before I run downstairs, add some Bailey's to my coffee, and begin the reveal of Christmas 2006. Will dreams come true, or will I find coal in my stocking?? Tune in to the picture gallery tomorrow, to find out. Assuming I can figure out the picture gallery...

To bring in the big day, we went out last night, to catch a pre-Xmas movie. We picked names out of a Santa hat, and ended up with Rocky Balboa. Good choice!! This is the last installment, and a terrific way to send the character out to pasture. Hopefully the lead actor as well...

If you've enjoyed any of the other movies, this one has a reflective tone that touches on some of the other movies, but brings the story to a satisying conclusion. Although, if I had one complaint, it would be that we didn't get to see enough of Bullwinkle...

Once we got back home, we watched the only Christmas movie I taped for this year, aside from Polar Express, which we had yet to watch (terrific!!). Santa Baby, starring...what's her name... the girl that's going out with Jim Carrey right now, and Norm from Cheers (as Santa).

Not the worst movie you'll ever sit through, but the cool part we discovered at the end was that it was filmed right here in Calgary!! The scenes of Santa Baby flying around downtown show very recognizable landmarks... Well, cool for us, I suppose...

Hope your day is a happy one!!

Chow for now!!

I think we may have a flock of partridge in our back yard...

I just hope they have no relation to that former pop group on TV - some of those guys have been big trouble in the last few years...

How Christmasy would that be, to have a partridge in the yard, with or without a pear tree?? Mrs.That Dan Guy happened to spot a couple in the back yard, and thought they were just some of the rabbits we typically notice there on occasion. However, when a few more flew in to join them, she reconsidered her theory. For the record, we won't be adding Bailey's to our coffee until TOMORROW morning (by the way, just a little over 10 hours before the traditional Christmas Eve gift opening!! Just one, sadly, but I hope it's the long one with the round bottom that Mrs. That Dan Guy won't even let me close to...).

I went to a local website, and the Gray Partridge is in fact native to our area, so we just may have a true sign of the holiday season, crapping in our back yard!! How inspiring!!!

Aside from the birds, we did our last bit of holiday-themed gallivanting yesterday. We drove out to Heritage Historical Village, to see the 12 Days Of Christmas experience - in a recreation sort-of like Little Houses On The Prairie. After everything else we've seen this year here in Calgary, we thought this turn-of-the- century Christmas recreation might be pretty cool - carol singing, wagon rides, specialty shopping...

We didn't get to see so much the 12 days of Christmas, as we did the last two hours. The last two hours of HUNDREDS of people squeezing into an area better suited for tens of people.

A delightful prairie polar breeze was pummeling us as we tried to find shelter in tiny pioneer stores, filled to the rafters with surly last-minute gift shoppers. If you did get inside, the lines were fifty people deep, so the best you could hope for was to have your forehead thaw just enough to sprint over to the next store, where another mass of people were squeezed like toothpaste into a 40 sq. ft. retail outlet...

We ended up still having 60 minutes left of the two hours we paid for when we were sliding down the hill back to our car. Colder and wiser, we'll probably pass on this event next year...

Chow for now!!

PS - 9 hours now before Christmas Eve gift opening!!!!

Alright…

So, our third holiday treat this year was taking in Zoolights last night, which is an annual presentation of unique and entirely creative Xmas lights, at the Calgary Zoo.

This outdoor tour is a tradition for generations of families here, as you stroll through the zoo, and see what a creative group of minds have come up with, to decorate this facility. They have bonfires set up at various spots, and hot chocolate available as well. Nowhere to be seen: hot mulled wine, or red and green beer…

Our introduction to just how upscale this event is was discovered on our hike from the parking lot, where we passed an actual mobile Starbucks location, set up to snag your loose change enroute to even getting through the doors of the zoo. It was like Santa himself had stopped by to greet you, with whipped cream and overpriced melted chocolate!!

Getting into the event, nothing could really prepare you for the extent to which they decorate the place. Over two million lights are strung between exhibits, on exhibits, and through exhibits. A couple of deer looked a little befuddled at having LED lights strung over their antlers!!

There were lights on trees, lights on buildings, and lights on bridges. Lights in the shape of giraffes, lights in the shape of monkeys. Lights as far as the eyes could see… Here a light, there a light, everywhere a light light…

It was impressive, to say the least!!

Chow for now!!

Rats!!

This one slipped completely below our radar....

Every Christmas, the best TV special we catch is Tom Jackson's "Huron Carol". Mr. Jackson is a Canadian actor, singer, and philanthropist, whose annual concert series helps fill food banks via donations. They are also consistently the best presentation of seasonal entertainment you will find.

Wel, I decided to hunt for it in advance this year, having missed the darn thing last time around. When I Googled the show, I discovered that after 17 years of touring Canada in support of this charitable effort, Tom retired it THREE years ago!! Aargh!!

I further discovered that he has replaced it with more intimate shows, called "Singing For Supper". When I saw the heading of Tour Schedule on his website yesterday, I hit the link, and discovered that Mr. Jackson was indeed coming to Calgary!

On Wednesday, the 20th.....we just missed him!!

Go to www.singingforsupper.ca for more info on this project, and if you can, try to make it out to see him. You'll get an affordable night of exceptional entertainment, and you'll support a worthy cause...

That's my sermon for today!!

Chow for now!!

For all you nay-sayers out there (or people that thought I was quackers), I present Exhibit A:

Now, if I could only have found a picture like this, with him playing a banjo!!!!

There you have it folks, the next Santa Claus - Mr. Donald Duck...

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On to other issues now:

-This will be the first year in probably a decade or so that Mrs. That Dan Guy and I won't be wearing our seasonal festive red socks to a family Xmas dinner, as we aren't anywhere near family here in Calgary. We'll probably just stay huddled in our humble little homestead, showing the socks to each other instead... Although, there must be thousands of families here that we don't even know, looking for a couple with festive red socks to brighten their Christmas...

-We plan on taking in a movie this Christmas. Any thoughts on what a good choice may be?? Ever since Ernest quit making his enduring comedy classics, like "Ernest Saves Christmas", we just can't seem to pick the winners anymore...

-If our holiday turkey makes me break out in a rash again, would a cranberry salve stop the itchiness??

-It's been almost a whole week since we've seen any live performances. I'm going a little squirrely...

-Before Mrs. That Dan Guy reads today's posting, does anyone out there know how to get mustard stains out of sofa fabric???

Chow for now!!

As luck would have it, I had a bit of spare time on my hands yesterday, to further ponder this ongoing thought of who might replace Santa, if Santa ever needed replacing. I must be watching too many Whoopi Goldberg holiday movies...

At any rate, I got to thinking that a reasonably good candidate might be rock veteran Bruce Springsteen. Let's face it, he's not getting any younger, and we already know he has the work ethic, considering his legendary 3-hour concerts (Hmmm. Wonder if Bruce is coming to Calgary anytime soon??) He's even recorded a couple of great Xmas tunes, so right there he should get the popular vote!!

Failing acceptance of Mr. Springsteen, maybe that colorful and beloved Disney character, Donald Duck?? Sure, he may not be tremendously fluent with the English language, but that hasn't stopped recent Prime Ministers & Presidents from having relatively active careers...

Donald Duck is a natural fit with a red and white suit, and just needs to grow a beard, which, who knows, may lead to extra film work anyhow, so it's a win-win situation...

Finally (for today at least), what about that dear old Betty White?? Betty's been around at least as long as Santa, and who better to get such an involved annual job done than a woman who's managed to stay employed long after much better actors have faded into oblivion?? If we ever hope to see female leaders in critical global positions, shouldn't we start with someone as important as Santa??

Chow for now!!

Perhaps you're like me, and wonder what Christmas would be like if Santa hadn't become the international symbol associated with this upcoming annual December holiday. Well, besides the little kid and his birthday, of course...

But for the purposes of today's ramblings, what if some other high-profile individual had become synonymous with the season?? Maybe Frosty, for example. I could probably live with having a jovial snowman in a top hat signifying Christmas. We already have more snowmen around the house than we do Santas, truth be told. Two of them are even animated, breaking into song and dance when you push their buttons.

Unlike Mrs. That Dan Guy, when I push HER buttons...

A bunch of elves, might work as Christmas ambassadors, but I'm not sure I like the idea of shifty little people sneaking into my house overnight, getting chimney dust all over my furniture, and getting into my liquor cabinet, while the milk and cookies little Billy left out for them goes bad...

Now that Glad garbage bag guy from the TV commercials wouldn't be such a bad choice, as he's already dressed all in white, kind of like the seasonal expectations (White Christmas). Although, he's gotta be getting pretty old by now, and may not be able to handle a big bag of gifts. Maybe I should be thinking of a retired pro wrestler???

Am I missing anybody?? Surely there must be a logical choice to replace Old Man Claus??

An inquiring mind wants to know!!

Chow for now!

OK, so we had a second holiday treat last night...we went to see Brian Hyland & Bobby Vee do a pre-Christmas rock and roll show. What can I say, they had a special ticket deal after the Michelle Wright concert, so we picked up a couple of tickets.

And we're glad we did!! I didn't expect we'd go see these guys, but we were totally blown away by both of them. I mean, come on, what are the odds of seeing the guy (Hyland) that made "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini" a monster hit, back in the day??

What was most surprising for us was how good he looked, considering recent reports of his having passed away a few months back, in Florida. Turned out to be someone pretending to be him, and I have to say, if you're going to impersonate somebody, you could do worse than to pick an unrecognizable pop star from the 60's...

Bobby Vee turned out to be an exceptional showman, with a multimedia presentation of his career playing behind him, and a four-piece string ensemble to help recreate the big hits, of which he had many.

Even I learned something last night. Vee recorded "More Than I Can Say"(rerecorded later by Leo Sayer), which his buddy Buddy Holly was set to record, prior to "the day the music died"... Pretty cool. Not particularly funny, but pretty cool...

Hyland & Vee both did a bunch of Christmas music as well, so we're getting our fix of holiday tunes live this year.

So there you have it. We are seriously live entertainment junkies, without a 12-step program...

Chow for now!!!

Well, boys & girls, we're down to the home stretch!! Just another week, and that jolly fat man will finally arrive!!

Although for Mrs. That Dan Guy, the jolly fat guy spends most of the year kicking around the house...

Looking at that picture over to the left, well, it just sort of sums it all up so very nicely..."silver bells" my patootie...

So, is everyone else out there all ready for Christmas?? Or will you eventually start shopping towards the end of next week, and hope that the stores will still be stocking something other than red & green napkins and Pepto Bismol??

Is next Sunday the last possible date on your calendar left open to string up the outside lights?? And why are you driving into the woods right now with a hatchet and a flask of sipping whiskey?? Has the last sales clerk you talked to told you to go tickle your OWN Elmo??

Ho Ho Ho....

Chow for now!!

Our little holiday treat last night was the Michelle Wright Christmas show, and man, was it ever a treat!!

We've seen Ms. Wright perform live before, but last night we saw all the hits, along with much of her new album, "A Wright Christmas".

Which, by the way, is terrific. If you want just one new album for the holidays this year(unlike myself), this one would be my pick - a great blend of traditional arrangements, along with some smokin' remakes of other Christmas oldies. All with that trademark husky, smoky voice of hers...Aye Caramba!!

Looking at that picture though, over to the right there, I must say that even while sucking in my gut, it appears that I could still fit both Ms. Wright & Mrs. That Dan Guy into one of my pockets...maybe I should be thinking of a Jenny Craig Christmas...

Chow for now!!

For any family members out there, we got the last of the Christmas presents wrapped up, and sent off in the mail yesterday. The lady at the counter said it would take 4 business days for delivery, but she also suggested that Santa's elves would be busy dropping them off. Either her eggnog content was just a tad on the high side, or you'll be lucky to see the gifts in time for Easter...

Bringing the last four gifts to the local post office yesterday afternoon afforded me a little amusement of my own...

There was one rather big box, two awkwardly-shaped bubble envelopes, and another normal-looking rectangular box. Trying to juggle these items enroute to the counter, I noticed another guy with two big bags (bags...wouldn't THAT have been a good idea to bring those friggin' packages in...), also clearly destined for the Canada Post counter...

Picking up my pace, I hustled towards the door, and did indeed manage to get inside first.

However, just in front of me, a older gentleman (he looked like he might have helped pick out some of the curtains when Eve was decorating in The Garden Of Eden) managed to get in front of me, blocking the direct route to the postal outlet.

My first thought was no problem, he's going to stop right up ahead, at the multi-vitamin display. But soon it became painfully apparent, as he shuffled along at 1.5 kilometres an hour past that display, that he was headed to the same destination as myself and Mr. Baggy Bags...

We arrived at the counter later that afternoon, and after Shuffle Bob got his 6-pack of U.S. stamps, I got my parcels dropped off, and sent away.

Now, all I have to do is relax, and wait for the big day...

Chow for now!!

Sheesh!!

Colds here in Calgary sure tend to linger....

Both Mrs. That Dan Guy (who should almost get equal billing here lately - a little too prolific on the responses if you ask me) and myself have had our first prairie colds in almost 15 years, and it is not a fun thing...

Pretty much every morning, I will arise with a sore throat, that eventually calms down after a couple of cups of coffee (much like Mrs. That Dan Guy...).

We have also gone through enough Kleenex in the last couple of weeks that we could sufficiently insulate any one of the Three Little Piggies homes, even the straw one.

Now, I know it sounds like I'm just being cranky, and you're probably right. But it did give me a couple of lines this morning, did it not??

And I didn't even mention a banjo!!!

Ah, crap, there it is....

Oh well, wattaya gonna do??? Vive Le Banjo!!!!

Chow for now!!

There are some days when I feel like certain people in this house just don't care about my personal well-being...

The other night, I was relaxing after another hard day of....blogging, and ....um...newspaper reading, and reached over to take a sip from my can of cold soda pop.

Normally, this sort of thing is entirely uneventful, and results in simply quenching my thirst. That night, as fate would have it, was anything but normal...

Bringing the can down post-sip, I went to put it back on the table beside our couch. However, the can had somehow gripped a hair of my mustache, and refused to let it go. My arm, recently recovering nicely from a pinched nerve, had a full head of steam heading away from my face. The end result - I pretty much screamed out as the hair was yanked unceremoniously from my upper lip (in this instance, not at all stiff)...

Looking over at the other end of the sofa for some sympathy, I saw instead my beloved Mrs. That Dan Guy, suppressing what could only be described as a massive giggling episode, which upon viewing my hurt expression, erupted into a hearty, uncontrolled laughing fit.

Feeling my lip for signs of blood, or nerve damage, and she's howling there like Carrot Top is doing a standup routine in the living room!! Does she also kick puppies when I'm not looking??

Well, I may need to go pluck a feather off of her feather wreath, to see if she's not as insensitive as it would appear. More to come, I'm sure...

Chow for now!!

Earlier this week, maybe even over the weekend, I had a brief bit of confusion - not at all unusual here in the St.Yves household.

I had to hold off discussing it here though, until I addressed this Banjo F.O.O.E.Y. thing, which I am happy to report has lifted a great burden from my shoulders. If all goes as expected, I should be one giant step closer to my banjo dreams, the morning of Dec. 25th...

So, back to my confusion, which started innocently enough. I had heard very briefly on TV that Pinocchio had passed away, which immediately got my attention. However, the newscaster just raced by it, and I had to go out, so I was forced to specualte on how a wooden puppet might have passed away...

Now Geppetto, I can clearly understand how he might have passed on, being an old man even back when I was a kid. But his little puppet, wasn't he alive just by magic?? And if magic eventually wears off, what hope is there for people that have built entire careers around it, like David Copperfield??

Wasn't there some sort of cricket too, a pal of Pinocchio's?? Again, I could understand an insect meeting an untimely demise, just could not wrap around The Pine Guy passing instead.

As it turned out, I discovered later that day that the guy that passed away was some general, Pinochet. And, I used "that" three times in that last sentence!! Rats!! Twice again!!

You can see how a person could be confused....

Chow for now!!