An Elephant Never Forgets

What were we just talking about???

Later!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Ah'm changin' mah ways, fellow hoomans - ole Charlie has seen tha light - LITTERALLY!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Lass night, aftur findin' sum 25-yeer old Scotch hidden under a box of file folders in that home office, ah wiz unwindin' with a ceegar and mindin' mah own bizniss, when ah must passed out, outta sheer eggshaustion.

When ah awoke, ah realized ah musta hadda heart attack or sumthin' while I wiz asleep - ah could see mahself inna tunnel, and tha light wuz comin' tawards me!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Then, just as tha lite got even brighter - that's when ah saw him - GOD!!

Standin' right before me, wearing' a baseball cap and a lousy mustache he musta been test-driving fer teenagers with too much acne - it wuz Tha Big Guy!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, lemme tell ya, ah sure came back ta life inna hurry - ah shook mah pinfeathers, flapped mah little chicken wings, and realized it must been a bad dream - go figger, considerin' wut shoulda been fine, fine aged booze!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

He did reach down frum tha heavens though - because ah seem ta have fingerprints on mah neck where he tried to bring me back ta life - thank God he wuz successful!

That's it - I'm goin' ta church tamorrow mornin' - this bird is gonna be clucking' a new tune!!

Haileeloolyah!!

Cluck fer now!! 

  

Student Edition Cast Impresses With Lez Mis Production

My latest Calgary Herald Blog is now live - I review Storybook Theatre's current production of "Les Miserables". These are students?? You could have fooled me!!

Check it out by clicking here!!

Later...

Flying From A Small City

Well, what an adventure yesterday, trying to get back to Calgary!

I asked my cousin to drop me off at 9:00 AM, a good 90 minutes before my flight. Which should have been perfect. As it happened, I barely made my connection...

It started with the automated checkin not offering a baggage tag option, which forced me into two blurry lines of travellers that clearly appeared to have been frozen in time long before I arrived. That was the result of just two workers trying to move passengers onto two full (oversold, actually) flights, complicated further by a broken conveyor belt for the luggage. Nothing against unions, except in situations like this where they are prevented from thinking outside the box to help out a problem that was forcing luggage to get stacked like crows on a country telephone pole...

By the time a third nonchalant employee sauntered up to check in passengers, the two lines had further blurred into a wall of first-come, first serve - the best part was a lady with about 80 pieces of luggage and a brood of moaning children that walked around all of us long growing cobwebs in the queue(s), right to the front of the line(s), and discovered that the airline did NOT have her reservation. Which brought a glacial pace to an even slower procession...

By this time, there were less than 7 minutes to my flight boarding. However, Sleepy beckoned me forward, and I was finally checked in, although I watched nervously as my luggage was stacked on top of a coffeemaker in the airport restaurant across the aisle from the baggage drop counter...

Hastening over to security, I discovered that even though I carry expedited access through that delay tactic at airports, once past the array of guards chatting about the weather, I was funnelled into the same blob of traffic that had been at the counter, rather than another expedited lane for the ritual of emptying my pockets to walk though a detector. As the time ticked by, and my boarding time was about 3 minutes passed, I shook my head, looking up to see the scanner employee notice my displeasure. This prompted my choice for a more "personal" inspection - and even more of a delay.

Eventually, I got through the tiniest airport in the world, in just under an hour. My flight left 15 minutes late, and we were off!

The story doesn't end there, but I'm choosing to ignore the delay when we landed, and had to stay out on the tarmac until our gate was cleared. The important thing is I'm home, and maybe next time I'll see if someone has a spare bazooka they can point towards Alberta...

Later!!

8th Time is The Charm??

Well, let's see if this post finally loads...

I've tried posting remotely from my iPad and my iPhone, but no luck with each effort there. I had left myself plenty of time to blog while I was at the airport, but multiple debacles there had me barely making my flight.

More on all that tomorrow - for now, fingers crossed this actually posts without an error message.

Later!

Reminder Of Frailties

Today starts the end of my trip here to Kelowna - even more of a whirlwind than our last visit. The funeral is this morning, then a flurry of family before my return flight home tomorrow morning.

Considering the nature of this get-together, the emotional side is underscored even more by the realization that there is an abundance of frailty here. For sure, emotionally, but even more so physically. Hard to see so many familiar faces challenged by the conversion of time and health.

Yet we are all out united in remembrance. That is the focus for today.

Later.....

The Long & Windy Road

...that leads from Calgary, through the Rocky Mountains, and ends up here in Kelowna, British Columbia....

Not here for a visit, unfortunately. Here to attend a family funeral for a much-loved father, brother, father, uncle, and community member. It's already been great seeing everyone, and that is only going to increase over the next two days.

For now, I need some coffee to stiffen my sense of awareness...

Later!

Living Like The King - Of Rock N Roll...

My latest REM column is live online right now - check out our tour behind the scenes of his former accommodations in Las Vegas:

Live Like The King

Later!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Woot Woot!

Choo Choo!

New light rail train station opening taday - an they got FOOD TRUCKS!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah'm hopin' they's gonna have them tiny donuts - AH LUVS TINY DONUTS!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hold me closer, tiny donut~!!~

They got a big party planned, with this new station openin', so ah'm gonna skitter on down ta see if ah kin get a helpin' a tiny donuts.

CLUCK OFF CHOLESTEROL - TINY DONUTS!!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Yessir, ah SURE hope they's gonna have tiny donuts...

Cluck fer now!! 

How To Handle A Friday

1) Conclude whatever work you are legally required to conclude.

2) Throw your hat in the air, whoop like a maniac, and run as fast as you can to freedom.

3) Live like the devil is chasing your sorry ass until Monday morning.

4) Repeat weekly.

Later!

TGIF!!!

In Loving Memory

Today's column is in memory of my uncle, who passed away far too young last night.

Here's a quick walk down memory lane, from October 2009 when he and my aunt came out to Calgary for a wonderful visit

FIFOOT (Family In From Out Of Town)

Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy

Wouldn't you know it - I've been looking for a new job, and an ad for a Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy has just been posted!

Although...

1) I don't boogie all that well.
2) I'm not even sure I know HOW to woogie...
3) Ever since I've had my collagen injections, I can barely PART my lips, let alone blow on a bugle. I can do a mean pucker though, truth be told...
4) I haven't been a boy in many, many moons...

Well, back to the job search....nertz!!

Later!!

To Dream. The Impossible Dream.

Very odd. I keep dreaming about Mission Impossible - what's up with that?

Sorry, I don't choose to accept it. I'd rather be fishin' in Possible...

Later!

The Best Laid Pans

My kitchen cupboards are a mess!

It is past time that I need to do a little reorganizing in there - well, if I hope to ever win a Blue Ribbon for Best Laid Pans in the cupboards at the upcoming county fair!

The demands of life never end.....

Later!!

Flyswatters & Toilet Brushes

If there are at least two products that I find myself having to wash my hands immediately after using EVERY time, those would be flyswatters and toilet brushes. Even if they are brand new, and I am just bringing them up to the cashier to pay for them.

My little confession, my little quirk...

Last few hours of our old internet provider! Parade at noon!!!

Later...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken..)

Hmmm..

I have an idea - an it's BRILLIANT!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

No wait - it's juss tha lite bulb - so cluckin' bright!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Actually, the pluckin' thing is followin' me aroun, even at nite!

Ah ain't had a decent sleep in days. Mebbe ah'm gittin' sum divine inspirayshun, an ah can't figger out tha message??

Or mah brain is juss on fire...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Hey, it juss blinked!

Ah'm sendin' morris code!!

AH'M A LIGHTHOUSE!!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Mebbe ah oughta go see a doctor.

Or a 'lecktrishun...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now - bein' so bright is eggs-austin'!! 

Now We've Gone And Done It!!

Well, after complaining bitterly for years, and choking back our deeply long-ingrained loyalty genes, we have cut the cord, in more ways than one.

As of Sunday, we will have a new internet provider, AND we are dropping TV and phone. Lorde (the young singer of "Royals") knows there are so many options now for getting TV via the internet, and both Mrs. That Dan Guy and I have cell phones - why pay for duplicate services??

It will be an adjustment, for sure, but we are THRILLED (T-H-R-I-L-L-E-D) to kick our old provider to the curb, and hope we are part of a rising tide that will see them swept under by their competitors.

But enough about those jackasses...

For now, we are anxious to see how this brave new world will unfold - regardless, it can't be any worse than what we've lived with for years. And helped fund with not switching...

Later!!!

Open Houses (And How They Can Go Wrong)

My latest REM column outlines how real estate open houses may still be a valuable tool for selling a home, but that doesn't mean the process is without risk - however much of a stretch some of my typical assumptions might be.

Enjoy!

Open Houses Gone Awry

Later!

To Facebook Messenger, or Not To Facebook Messenger??

Well, looks like time has run out to be able to see if someone has sent me a direct message on Facebook. Now, if I want to see those, I'll have to install Facebook Messenger.

Frankly, I'm not so sure I have any interest in doing that. Feels like we keep getting pushed around by Facebook, albeit the dang thing is free so who are we to complain - but that doesn't mean we have to jump through every new ("improved") hoop they ram down our throats, does it?

I am not so sure I'll be adding yet another cursed unknown feature, but without it, I'll be having private conversations in public.

Although, I do have text and email - so how much will my life REALLY suffer??

Social media - why do you torment us all so???

AAAARGH!!

Later...

Mr. Doubtfire

This is one of my former weekly newspaper columns that ran back in February, 2006...

       "I feel pretty.
Oh, so pretty..."

Nope, no matter how many times I try singing that little Broadway number, I
don't think I'll convince myself, much less anyone else that this guy is anything even
close to attractive in a dress.

So why then am I wearing a dress, you might ask? Well, you can thank my
cousin, who has invited me to a Valentine's Day "theme" trivia party, based on popular
Hollywood movie characters.  Her inventive idea of a sense of humor was to invite me
over as Mrs. Doubtfire, the movie character made famous by Robin Williams.

Now, right off the hop I suppose I could have protested just a bit more, but after
stamping my feet and whining for several hours to no avail, I reluctantly rose to the
challenge. My one provision -  I would NOT, will NEVER shave off my mustache. I've
only done that once before, back when I also had a full beard, and regrettably somehow
failed to connect with the notion that the last few days of summer might not be the best
time of year to try sporting a clean-shaven look. Imagine my surprise after the removal,
glancing in the mirror, and discovering that the top half of my face was nicely tanned
from the summer sun; the bottom part looked like I had bobbed for apples in a tub of
talcum powder...

So, for this party, Mrs. Doubtfire would have to live with a furry lip warmer,
which for the record I did at least try to cover with makeup. The bigger challenge was the
costume itself. My wife owned no dress nearly as stretchy as some miracle fabrics claim
to be. I had to go out, in public, and buy one.

To purchase the dress, I drove until I found an out-of-the-way thrift shop in one of
the city suburbs (far enough away from my own neighborhood, almost Alberta actually),
entered, and casually perused a few selections in the plus-size rack. The older volunteer
salesclerk was clearly as uncomfortable as I was in the women's wear section, but she
eventually mustered up the courage to ask me if I needed any assistance. I smiled, and
said that I was picking up a gift for my mother, who just happened to be about my size.
To her credit, you could barely see her eyebrows rise...

We managed to select for "mother" a nice dress, comfortable shoes, and a
brassiere that I had to take the clerk's word for, regarding fit. Leaving the store I drove
back home, but felt a little like I was trying to smuggle opium into Utah. Obeying every
speed limit along the way, I was never before so happy to see the inside of my garage.

A wig and some makeup has completed my outfit. And now here I stand before a
full-length mirror; lime-green, flowered dress; a visible mustache, covered in runny
foundation; men's glasses; a five o'clock shadow. No matter how late it is, at any bar in
the world, this gal won't be looking any better at closing time. I must remember to
properly thank my cousin, when I see her...
 
"I feel pretty..."

Macaroni Curver

Wanted:

Factory worker - required to curve small pieces of pasta for mass consumer consumption. Pasta pieces will arrive pre-cut, simply need to be curved before boxing.

If this request does not throw you a curve, please reply to the number below.

Later!!

Lazin' On A Sunday Afternoon (- But Really In The Morning)

Busy day today. But all that aside, it is time for some serious lazin'.

Too early to start in on the day, so I intend on just lazin' for a bit.

Eventually, hunger will force an end to that - but for now - LAZIN'!!!

Note To Self: Start a list of topics you can use on weekends, or any day of the week for that matter...

OK - off to continue lazin'!

Later...

Chicken Scratch

(posted by weekend guest blogger Charlie Chicken...)

Howdy hoomans - hope yer gettin' yer filla Saturday mornin' kartoons - ah juss got up, so ah gotta take a few minutes ta shake tha cobwebs frum mah skull...

An have a smoke or two...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!! 

So, ah seen sum pikchurs recently uv a amazonian bird that looks like mah ole acquaintance Hen Rietta. Ah had tah go search her out in tha convent she's been livin' in, ta grab a pitcher so's ya know THIS is the real Hen Rietta here. 

Or there - in tha convent...

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Ah oughta dig up sum old posts, ah'll see what ah kin do about that - fer now, trust me - she's makin' life a livin' hell fer tha nuns at tha convent, singing' about the hills of life, an tha sound a moo sick. 

Frankly, she's as daffy as ever - she shoulda been a duck!!!

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Well, ah needs more coffee - so cluck y'all - Charlie's settlin' in ta wake up aroun here...

Cluck fer now!! 

My List of Iconic Canadian Politicians

Later!

Have a great weekend, y'all!

"Don't Let The Bed Bugs Bite"??

How about "Don't Let The Bed Bugs live long enough to be ABLE to bite"!!

Later...

Whoopsie!

Yikes!

Almost forgot to blog today - I just got right into my day after Mrs. That Dan Guy went off to work, and completely forgot!

I can't even remember what I HAD planned to blog about!!

So, in the place of something that was probably enlightening, uplifting, and near brilliant, I simply present to you one of my favourite childhood jokes:







Damn...

Can't remember that either...

Well, remember...uhh..the sun always shines outside of the shade??

Look both ways before you cross Meryl Streep??

Hakuna matata???

Hey, look over there!!!

(Later...)

My interview with StoryBook Theatre's J.P. Thibodeau

My post today is a redirection to the Calgary Herald Blogs section, where my latest interview has just gone live:

J.P. Thibodeau Talks About StoryBook Theatre's Upcoming Season

Please check it out!

Many thanks...

Later!

Holiday!

I'm never sure what holiday exactly is going on, but here in Canada at least, we are enjoying a long weekend today. Bueno!

If this is intended to be a day of sombre reflection, that is what I am currently doing - reflecting...reflecting...

If it should actually be a day of Mardi Gras-like frivolity and celebration, I will do that instead - hey, I'm easy!

If it is a day to remember why we wear pants, I will pay homage to my own, with perhaps a relaxing ironing, or a nice hanging in the closet. Have the day off, Pants - I'll wear shorts!!

I should really look at the calendar to see exactly WHAT the holiday is for today - but after a cup of coffee or two - I am ON holiday, after all...

Later!

Laundry Day

Despite waiting for hours now, no one has come by the house to do our laundry so far today.

I'm only going to wait a few more hours....

Later!

Chicken Scratch

(posted by....uhh..Charlie???)

Apparently...

thass too close....

BUK-AAAAWK!!!!

Cluck fer now...

Thunder Only Happens When It's Raining

Also:

Water only boils when it's heating.

I only wheeze when I'm climbing.

Robins only rockin' when they're in pop songs.

(Funny, I thought this would be MUCH easier...)

Later! - Have a great weekend!!!